How to find a supportive queer community

0:00You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey everybody, it's Marielle. You want to go dancing?

0:13This is the sound of more than 100 people line dancing to a song called Thick as Thieves by Lauren Alaina.

0:23It was a warm Tuesday night in Brooklyn, New York. And the event that got them on the floor is called Stud Country, a queer line dancing night. Life Kit producer Margaret Serino was in attendance. Is this y 'all's first time here? We're regulars. Regular? What would you say, what number is this roughly? It's definitely in like the 50s. Definitely between like 50 and 100, though. There are multiple places to do it. We go multiple times a week. These are the friends that I talk to every day. And I just love everyone in this community so much. I'm in like 12 Lion Jan's group chats. Oh my God. Like, it's really hot.

1:02People are kind of sharing what's been going on in their week. New people are asking some of the regulars to show them around the dance floor. It's really amazing. That last voice you heard is Sean Monaghan. He's the co-founder of Stud Country. Sean says he feels something particular in this space. That collective feeling of joy, like, when there's 200 people in a room together, just like all feeding off each other's emotions is a spiritual thing. Sean and Margaret got to talking about the power of a space like Stead Country, especially if you're just coming out or if you're coming into your identity as LGBTQ or queer.

1:41When did you come out, if I can ask a personal question? I came out recently, I'd say like three years ago. I'm in my late 20s now, but at the time I felt like everyone had already done it. And I felt, I still feel like I'm figuring out, I mean, it took me a long time to figure out where my community was. Isn't that so cool? You can be kind of a guide for people. It is so cool. And it just like, does make me feel so connected by like, oh, we all had to do this really hard thing. and it feels awesome to see people starting to like tiptoe towards that because you know they're just gonna like so much of what was holding them back is gonna disappear i realized that like through my partner coming out i was able to tell him some advice that i wish i had been told oh i wish someone said this to me or i wish someone gave me this kind of comfort

2:43on this episode of life kit how to find queer community no matter how old you are or where you're at in your relationship to your sexuality or gender identity. You might use the word queer for yourself or not. You might be unsure what word, if any, feels right. Margaret is going to share stories from Sean and other people about the communities that have transformed them. We're thicker than our accents, thicker than our hair, thicker than the Georgia and Louisiana, thicker than molasses from the Patrick to the Saint.

3:21Exploring a new identity is something to celebrate. It doesn't matter if you're questioning, if you haven't told anyone, or if you've told everyone. It doesn't matter if you're not sure that queer applies to you. If you're listening to this, if you're beginning the search for your own community, I want you to know that I'm excited for you. But let's back up. Are you excited? Are you scared? A little bit of both? Our first takeaway, make note of all your emotions. Some of them might be more complicated, and they might take longer to reveal themselves. Like, maybe what you feel is grief. I felt that grief myself, right?

4:00I was like, wow, what could my family of choice have been like? What could my life experiences have been like? If I had, you know, the safe space to actually explore these inklings that I had throughout my life as a young person. That's Elsa Lau. They're a clinical psychologist, and they also run a support group for queer professionals. Elsa says that if you didn't have that queer community earlier in life, you might be mourning the version of yourself that could have been. But if you can, don't shy away from this grief. It can tell you something about what you want in your life now. What you value, what you want your family or community to look like.

4:39How can you create that reality for yourself now? Or let's say you're angry at specific people in your life, at everyone, at yourself. That feeling can point you in the direction of the wounds requiring your attention. Most of us are in the community to some extent undoing, it might not be explicit traumas, but very implicit death by a million paper cuts. These injustices are woven into our bodies and our stories, and we might not be very cognizant of that. Maybe you're ashamed. If people in your life have condemned your sexuality or gender expression, if you've internalized those messages. Right?

5:25It's like the voice is coming from inside the house. It's no longer the parent or the neighbor or the teacher, right? It's a reaction that's in our nervous system that sounds like our own voice. Look, these complicated feelings are not going to resolve overnight. But Elsa says the antidote is community. Being in groups where your presence isn't just tolerated, but celebrated. People who can celebrate you, who love you for the things that other people are like, okay, I'm kind of okay with this in your life, but it's your choice or it's something that I don't understand. When you're in a space where people are actively cheering for you on your side, because they see part of themselves in you, they make those things feel more real in our body.

6:17So let's get down to business and find the people who will celebrate you. Takeaway two, cast a wide net. Now, a quick note. If it's your first time in a queer space, or really any space that's explicitly for a marginalized community, remember to be respectful. A lot of people might be here because it's a rare chance for them to feel comfortable. So be mindful of that. It's okay to ask questions. It's okay to be curious. And it's okay if you mess up or put your foot in your mouth. But in those moments, make sure you genuinely apologize and commit to improving the next time around. With that in mind, let's return to Sean Monaghan.

7:00First up, Sean didn't think line dancing would become his thing. But he was new to L.A. and still having a hard time finding his people. Then, one night, he went out to this country-western gay bar called Oil Can Harry's. This is your first time here. How can you sense community here? Like, you're brand new. But it truly was the first time I went there, like, some of the regulars asked me out on the dance floor. And it was just this immediate welcoming and warm embrace. That night, he fell in love with line dancing. And he was inspired to start Stud Country with a friend. It wasn't just about being in a queer space.

7:39It was about being in a room full of strangers, moving together in unison, and seeing this shared passion play out on the dance floor. The dancing is like this glue that brought so many disparate people together. Is this anyone's first stud? Woo! Oh my gosh! Welcome, welcome, welcome. You are officially indoctrinated into our family. It's fun to try something new within my community that feels a lot different than the usual party. After the first dance, I was like, oh, we're coming back. Because now I want to learn the dances. I guess you could argue that I'm hooked. I'll for sure come back. Like I said, I want to be on those people's level.

8:23Stud country, yeah, has its regulars. But a lot of them had never line danced before this. Everybody, when they start, they're like, how does everyone know the dances? What's going on? But actually, a lot of people just were that new person. And there's so many examples of people that had zero dance experience, that had two left feet when they started. And they just kept at it. And now they're some of the best dancers at the party. There's a queer community for almost every hobby you could have, even ones you hadn't ever considered. There are queer rock climbing groups, queer mahjong nights, queer surfing orgs, queer needlework circles.

9:02Tapping into a common interest is a great way to ease into a community. And if you're nervous about being the newcomer at the queer event, Sean says don't be afraid to ask for some company. Ask for someone to, like, go to a gay bar with you. Also, like, it's totally fine if you don't like the gay bar you go to. Maybe you don't want to go to a bar at all. Sasha Jones is the CEO of Cuties, an L.A.-based queer community org with a special focus on creating events for people of color. It originally started as a coffee shop and sober space. The intention, I think, was to always have a space where folks could come and spend daytime hours with each other, a place where we could gather that wasn't centered around alcohol and partying.

9:52For Sasha, these kinds of gatherings are crucial counter-programming to other kinds of queer events that revolve around nightlife. There are a lot of sensitive, introverted people in our community, and I think it's really nice and helpful for them to be able to know that, like, I can show up to this place. I can show up by myself. It's not going to be super loud. It's going to be, like, comfy. There may be space for me to meet someone there. Maybe you want a space where queerness is also an expression of activism. Devane Murthy is a steward of Blue Stockings Cooperative Bookstore. It started in 1999 as a volunteer-powered women's bookstore, and over the years it's grown into a hub of mutual aid and other activism.

10:38They're having a unionizing meeting to lesbian craft nights that are masked. We're able to distribute Narcan or train people. Like literally this space saves lives, you know what I mean? The bookstore has helped Devane find a community of people who share their values and their vision for the future. And that's what's kept them motivated. Somehow we're still able to be positive and show up and leave feeling fulfilled in the work that we're doing. because I think we give queer and trans folks the opportunity to believe in a different future and a different reality.

11:22So when you first search for that elusive home base, cast a wide net. Keep a list on your phone or in your notebook of anything you come across that strikes your fancy. Weird niche hobbies, physical activities, outdoor gatherings, reading groups, mutual aid spaces. No matter your lifestyle, there is something that will work. And if you don't immediately find that perfect event or you're let down by the ones you do attend, don't lose heart just yet. Takeaway three, it's okay to ask for exactly what you're looking for or even create it for yourself. Look, finding your people might not be so straightforward.

12:04Just because someone falls under the queer umbrella doesn't mean they're automatically your people. It might indicate that they have some shared experiences, but they could have drastically different personal values. They might be moving through different phases of life and maybe part of different careers or just overall just value systems. That's Elsa again. They told me that some people might have a second crisis. They might feel let down if they experience discrimination within the queer community. We would all hope that coming out or exploring a new identity means you're leaving behind the people who other you, but that's not always the case.

12:45There can be subtle transphobia, subtle biphobia, subtle trans-femphobia or trans-maskphobia, and so these things are part and parcel of the experience. This is why it's important to find the groups that support you in every regard, whether that's along the lines of sexuality or gender expression, racial or ethnic identity, disability, neurotype, or even just shared values. And if you still can't find the thing, make it yourself. Maya Satya Reddy remembers feeling really lost in the years right after she graduated from college. When I graduated as, you know, like what, a 21-year-old in the world, I was like, I don't know where my community is.

13:33Like, where is it? In college, it was built in. She had all these student groups she was super involved in. But freshly in the post-student world, she was like, where is my student group? How do people make new friends after school ends? What she was really looking for were other queer Asians. And essentially, I was just like, you know what? I'm going to create this space that I'm not feeling for myself. And that's how Queer Asian Social Club came around. Maya's the founder of Queer Asian Social Club. Now they host book clubs, make zines and podcast episodes, and share queer Asian history. But at first, Maya really just wanted to find people she could relate to.

14:14She wanted to create a space separate from other mainstream queer spaces, which could be majority white, cisgender, and specific to gay men. Yeah, I was just like, I want to create the space, so I'm going to create it. Finding her people has helped her feel less invisible. It's also led her to deepen the connections with her ancestors and her spirituality. A big part of my growth and my journey into understanding what being queer Asian means to me was a lot of reconnecting with Hinduism and Indian culture and realizing that Hinduism and Indian culture are just inherently queer. Like, all of the Hindu gods are reincarnating to, like, every gender.

14:58And there's so much queerness there. And it was so wildly affirming to me.

15:10okay you've homed in on some events that you feel connected to now you have to keep going back this might be easier said than done you might be feeling anxious or insecure at this point which makes sense you're in a new social situation and you're in a transitional period of life Takeaway four, remember that there's no one way to be queer. Don't let specific people or spaces tell you otherwise. I told Maya that when I first started going to queer events, I was filled with all of this doubt. I had this one fear that I'd get locked into a conversation and immediately get found out as an imposter because I didn't know the right lingo or the right references.

15:55And this fear led to some misguided and anxious behaviors of mine. I remember going on TikTok, searching queer, and literally trying to teach myself all of the slang so that I could, like, work it into conversations naturally. Yeah, don't do that, by the way. But Maya told me she could relate. I'll go onto Twitter and, like, the meme of the day is somebody saying, I'm 17 and afraid of Sabrina Carpenter. And it's like, if you're not chronically online, you have no idea what that means, right? Basically, there's a lot of pressure to be plugged into online queer culture. And if you don't get it, right, like it's super intimidating.

16:37You're like, I don't feel queer enough. Like, I don't feel like I'm a part of this community because I don't get it. But here's Maya's reframe. All of us are creating this culture together in real time. Like we're constantly defining and redefining it. Don't take anything that is on social media as a guidebook on how you should be queer. That can be so limiting. Queerness is expansiveness. So no, there's no lingo you need to know, and no one is going to quiz you at the function. You don't need to look a certain way or act or dress a certain way. You don't need to have a label or feel 100 % confident in the label you use.

17:23I think it's one of those things where you have to rip the band-aid off. The hardest part is getting there. The hardest part is the negative self-talk, the imposter syndrome where I'm not sure, I don't know if I'm queer enough, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to wear, I don't know, I don't know. The fear of, like, not enough-ness is society getting in the way of us living in our truth. That's Sasha again. She told me that another insecurity she hears from people is around being the new one. You know, feeling baby gay or baby queer. But no one's going to know. Nobody knows anything about you walking into a space.

18:07So they don't know if you just came out yesterday. They know nothing. And look, you might come across someone who does know and then chooses to tease or make fun. That obviously never feels good. but do your best to treat those moments as what they are. One person making one comment, not the entire queer community coming down on you. Let those moments guide you closer to the people who do truly welcome you and make you feel at ease around them. Our final takeaway, takeaway five. You are part of a lineage of queer people. Connect with your elders to find a deeper meaning in your queerness. at Stud Country, you'll see people of all ages dancing together.

18:52We have people that are in their 90s. We have people that are like just over 21. There's a super long history of line dancing in the queer community specifically. That's Sean again. For him, preserving this history is part of the fun. He likes bringing back old dances from the 80s and 90s, making sure they stay alive. The elders in our community truly, they were doing dangerous things when they built this community, when they laid this foundation. Like, it was illegal for men to dance together. Sean likes teaching these dances, yeah, in part to honor those older gentlemen. But he says that when times feel hopeless, this history can renew your optimism.

19:33Oftentimes, elder queers are helping some of these younger generation folks remember where we started. And that that can be a course of hope. Look where we started and look where we are now. Really, Elsa says, everyone can learn from the queer people in their lives. No matter your culture, your sexual orientation, or gender identity, there are so many expectations for how you're supposed to live. What a family looks like, who you should love, how you present yourself to the world. When queer people push back on these expectations, they can help everyone do the same. I do think that when we have more examples of more options of how to be in the world, it frees up people to make truly agentful choices.

20:20And to think, sometimes this can all get started with one line dance. Can you feel like that energy? Like, I feel like that's a lot of the people here. They find it and they like, it just like changes your life. Very much like church. We're all in the same place at the same time each week. We're really just all here to like love on ourselves, love on each other. Like, I think that's what's important. We need queer community, especially now, continuously. We need to keep being together and having joy. This is beautiful.

20:54Okay, it's time for a recap. Takeaway one, know all of your emotions, the good and the bad. Takeaway two, cast a wide net. But remember to be respectful as you explore. Takeaway three, ask for exactly what you're looking for. Or create it. Takeaway four, commit to a space for a bit. You might need to work through some surfacing anxieties. And takeaway five, rely on your queer elders to find deeper connection.

21:30That was LifeKit producer Margaret Serino. For more LifeKit, check out our other episodes. We've got one on how to explore your gender identity for the first time and another on how to navigate your first queer relationship. You can find those at npr.org slash life kit. And if you love Life Kit and want more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at life kit at npr.org. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Serino. It was edited by Megan Cain and Destiny Adams.

22:03Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Garib. Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Claire Marie Schneider, Sam Yellowhorse Kessler, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Gilly Moon. Special thanks to Kiara Eisner and River Williamson. I'm Mariel Segarda. Thanks for listening.

22:33Thank you.