OMG how embarrassing! How to stop feeling so awkward

0:00You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey everybody, it's Marielle. I think we all have memories that make us cringe, right? Something we did that was just really embarrassing or uncomfortable. They tend to play on repeat for me when I'm trying to sleep. But enough about me. Let's talk about this other guy's awkward memories.

0:25I had gotten in my head before middle school that the key to my social success was to be professional and mature. This is Ty Tashiro, a psychologist and a social scientist. He says as a kid, he was inspired by the character Alex P. Keaton on the 80s sitcom Family Ties. He was kind of this old soul who carried around a briefcase and wore pressed khakis and starched shirts. And so that's that was exactly what my wardrobe looked like. Good idea, in theory. I kind of look like a 40-year-old accountant to age 12. So Ty remembers pulling up in the car with his mom on the first day of school. And as we were driving around the roundabout, I just saw the kids.

1:14Heavy metal was very popular at the time. So we were in leather pants and these cut-up halter tops and wild hair. And I'm like, I have no idea what was going on or how I navigate any of this. Ty says this is one of many times he's felt awkward in his life. One of many times he's struggled to maneuver through the intricacies of social interactions. By the way, he's also written a book on this topic. It's called Awkward, the Science of Why We're Socially Awkward and Why That's Awesome. That's a very positive spin on it, Ty. I like where this is going. I think awkwardness tells us a lot about just how important social relationships are to us.

1:57As humans, we're so reliant upon other people for our survival and for our well-being. And so over time, we've evolved to have brains that are incredibly intricate at understanding social situations, at deciphering other people and what they might be thinking. And then also wondering about, hey, what do I need to do to be a cooperative and helpful person so I can fit in and be a part of this group? Tai says that is why it can feel so terrible when you do something awkward or embarrassing, even if it's a small thing, like you have spinach caught between your teeth or you forget to zip your pants.

2:34In the moment, it sure feels like it's a huge deal. And we do have those physiological reactions, the flushing of the face, the rushing blood, and that feeling of panic that we really need to fix what's gone wrong. But he says these feelings can give us intel about who we are and who we want to be if we can learn how and when to embrace them. On this episode of Life Kit, what to do about all those awkward moments in your life. Reporter Andy Tegel is going to break down why we get so embarrassed about the things we do, talk us through how to manage these moments when they arise, and give us tools to maybe, just maybe, stop reliving that moment from the third grade talent show.

3:16You did your best, kid. Let it go.

3:39Okay, who's ready to get comfortable with getting uncomfortable? Yeah, me neither. Deep breath. To start, let's acknowledge we all suffer moments we wish we could instantly undo. But the pain of embarrassment, social missteps can be a lot more severe if you struggle to interpret the norms everyone else just seems to intuitively understand. I am an autistic person. So I think about all the times where it's almost kind of like everybody has this rulebook and this manual that you just didn't get during the onboarding. Eric Garcia is the senior Washington correspondent at The Independent and the author of We're Not Broken, Changing the Autism Conversation.

4:25He says that the social pressure he feels, not knowing the rulebook, can have big ripple effects. For example, some neurodivergent people experience something called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. And it's something you feel very viscerally. It's more than just the normal, oh, I got rejected, this is terrible, I feel embarrassed. It's like it's a physical thing. Now, you don't have to be neurodivergent to be hypersensitive to rejection or failure. And struggling with social cues doesn't automatically mean you have autism. There's a gray area here, and likely a lot of overlapping struggles between neurodivergent and neurotypical people, according to Tai.

5:05His research points to three traits that awkward people may experience. Trouble communicating, trouble executing and navigating social skills, and obsessive interests. And so, yeah, you know, there's variability across all three areas, and it actually forms this nice bell curve. So the average person in the population has a few awkward characteristics. And folks who are socially awkward just have more of them and they have them more intensely. Where you fall on that curve likely plays a role in just how much cringing you do at yourself in everyday life. Which makes sense. That's what that feeling is programmed for after all.

5:43See, embarrassment and awkwardness aren't universal. They're uniquely formed by our culture, our social context, and our sense of self to help guide us back to the safety of our clans. The thing is, our sense of self can be a surprisingly slippery thing. Takeaway one, you're not who you think you are. But that's not as big a deal as you think. A lot of people talk about how they hate hearing the sound of their own voices. And you do hear yourself differently than other people are hearing it. Melissa Dahl is a writer and the author of Cringeworthy, A Theory of Awkwardness. She taught me this really interesting idea about our self-identity called the irreconcilable gap.

6:28This is a term coined by psychologist Philippe Rochat out of Emory University. It works like this. Most of the time, we exist in our own heads. So we see ourselves a certain way, how we carry ourselves, how smart or interesting we are. And we might assume that other people see us in that same way. But the reality is there's usually some distance, that irreconcilable gap between your own self-image and an outsider's perspective of you. Melissa's theory is that we cringe when there's a big disconnect between those two selves. The moments that make us cringe are the moments that trigger a sense of like, oh my gosh, I think I'm putting myself out there one way, but other people are seeing me in this other way.

7:08Think back on any recent moments of embarrassment or awkwardness. Forgetting someone's name, going in for the hug at the same moment they reach for the professional handshake, accidentally liking your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's Instagram post from 10 years ago. The pain you likely felt was perhaps the result of the collision of those two yous, the flawless self you're supposed to be and the self you were instead. But supposed to be is the operative phrase in that sentence. Because our self-conscious feelings aren't always accurate. For example, Melissa told me about this famous study. It was on something called the spotlight effect.

7:47And it's basically like we assume more people are paying attention to our faults and our embarrassing missteps than they are. So in a study from Cornell from 2000, they put a bunch of participants in a room and then had one person show up five minutes later. And they made them wear a really silly T-shirt. Side note here, it was a t-shirt with a large picture of Barry Manilow that the researchers had pre-interviewed students about to confirm it would be sufficiently embarrassing. Anyway. Then afterwards they asked them, okay, how many people do you think will remember that you're wearing this ridiculous t-shirt?

8:22T-shirt-wearing participants guessed that the number would be about half. In reality, less than a quarter remembered who was on the shirt. Which kind of cracks me up because the advice typically goes like, oh, like no one's paying attention to you anyway. And like, that's not actually what the study found. Like, some people are, just not as many people as we think. What the study reminds us is that we're all the main characters of our own story. In our heads, the spotlight always shines more brightly on us. But the science says otherwise. Those researchers found that we tend to overestimate both how deeply we're being observed and how much others care about what we do.

8:57So relax. Even if you do walk into that meeting with lipstick on your teeth or a rip in your pants, Chances are, most of the people in the room didn't even notice. And that brings us to takeaway two. Lighten up. Diffuse awkward moments with acknowledgement and levity. Okay, so now that we've all gained some perspective about our self-conscious feelings, let's talk strategies for dealing with awkwardness in real time. All of our experts agreed. If you run face-first into an embarrassing situation, just face the thing head-on. Put it all right out on the table. You know, say, oh, well, I am so sorry you've had to look at that smidge between my teeth for however long this has been going on.

9:40That was awkward. Now, it shows to the other person that you understand what social expectation is and that you don't intend to continue being awkward in that way. And it allows you to move on from the moment. Whereas if you don't put the awkwardness on the table, it has this weird way of lingering through the rest of the conversation. When you say fall on your face in front of hundreds of strangers, it's easy to want to just curl up in the fetal position and will yourself to disappear. But Eric says don't underestimate the generosity of other people in those most cringeworthy of moments. If you can show that like you can pick up from your hiccups, people have a large amount of grace with that.

10:24You know, like you play a bum note in a song, like you just kind of just keep pressing through. You get the point. Leaning right into it, laughing it off, and taking your foible in stride is a far easier, far smoother road to social recovery than, say, completely avoiding that you accidentally sent that risque text to your mom instead of your bae. Or giving up your absolute favorite coffee shop because that barista caught you spill your entire latte down your front. And you can, and should, apply this lightness to your embarrassing memories, too. Have you ever been minding your own business, laying down to sleep, driving down the road and a familiar song comes on and bam, you're hit with a mortifying flashback from sixth grade?

11:09Melissa uses a fitting name for this, a cringe attack. The things that stick in our memory are the things that make a deep cut emotionally. A time that you were really, really afraid or really angry, anything that's like emotionally heightened is going to stick in our brains. So it makes sense that embarrassing moments stick with us. If you find that you're frequented by the same intense embarrassing memories, there are some things that might soften the edges a bit. For example, in her book, Melissa wrote about a study showing that if you can shift the focus to other details surrounding a cringe attack, Like, what did the room look like?

11:44What else happened that weekend? You might be able to lessen the strength of the emotion tied to the memory. Also, going back to that spotlight effect, it might help to remind yourself those past moments probably weren't as big a deal to everyone else as they were to us back then and almost certainly aren't now. But you could also, you know, just try giving yourself a break or maybe even a pat on the back. Just thinking about, okay, thank God I'm cringing over my past self because that's suggest some personal growth, hopefully. It's a reminder of how far I've come. Like, I really hope, like, looking at my writing 10 years ago makes me cringe because otherwise I haven't gotten any better.

12:24In a different light, you might see a cringe attack as an old friend back for an unexpected visit. Like, oh, you again. Nice to see you, old me. Weren't you hilarious? So glad I know better now. And now that we've widened the lens on ourselves, let's turn that curiosity outward. Takeaway three, challenge the source of your social discomfort. So my name is Pilvi Takala. I'm a visual artist and I make mostly video work. Okay, so this is a technically accurate description of what Pilvi does, but I'd argue her actual medium is awkwardness. In the form of what she calls performative interventions. Essentially, Pilvi goes into a space with certain rules or social structures, a subway, an art gallery, an amusement park, and then finds a way to publicly but subtly challenge those social contracts.

13:16Like the stroker, for example, in which she lightly but consistently invaded people's personal space in an office setting. Confusion and discomfort usually ensue. The main thing in my practice that I have grown is the muscle for dealing with awkwardness and being in situations that are uncomfortable. One of the works that had the most lasting impact on her is called The Trainee. The premise was simple. Pilvi would secretly embed herself in a financial services company for a month. With the blessing of a few higher-ups in the company and in collaboration with the museum, posing as a trainee in the marketing department.

13:50For about the first two weeks, she played it straight. Just took some time to learn the company culture, understand what was what, where the break room was. And then I stopped doing anything. No, really. Anything. For hours. For days. I was just sitting. I didn't touch my phone. I didn't have a pen or paper or fiddle with anything. I was just sitting and people did find that very uncomfortable. If anyone asked her what she was doing, she simply told them brain work. Sounds pretty tame, right? But see, like many corporate workspaces, Pilvi observed that busyness was an assumed part of the culture, even if it wasn't productive or work-related.

14:30Texting a friend, going on Facebook, everyone just had to be doing something. So when she did nothing at all, things got awkward. It was funnily lack of contact rather than some kind of conflict. Instead, they like stop asking me for lunch And I could feel it was in a very small little gestures. And I caught like some people like looking at me in the background and so on. But it was very minimal. Then some emails started to go to my superiors like, hey, what's going on? What Pilvy was pushing against was this norm of performative busyness. The way work, especially office work done on computers without any physical products, needed to look.

15:13Why is it more okay to spend an hour of company time gossiping in the break room with a co-worker than to sit quietly at your desk looking out the window? Where's the harm? I kind of reached the goal of that there's an unwritten rule, but there's not really a consensus of like why this is a problem. Even though entirely peaceful, Pilvi says her lack of activity was threatening to some people because it didn't fit in with the general order of things. If you can stand to sit in a while though, So Pilvy says awkwardness offers space for growth. It can help you act with intention, not just on reflex.

15:46And if I don't want to be uncomfortable, then I don't learn so much about the world. So instead of immediately running and hiding the moment you, say, realize you've been rocking a price tag sticker on the front of your sweater, you let out the world's loudest sneeze during a solemn moment of silence, or you blurt out exactly why and how awfully your day is going when that, hey, how are you? Was clearly just a nicety? Try to take a pause and consider the context of the situation instead. Is the rule you feel you broke one worth following? Did you cause any actual harm? Sometimes the answer to those questions is yes, and making amends is in order.

16:25Other times, maybe it's best to shrug those cringy feelings away or to actively ignore them. Research has shown, for example, that fear of embarrassment can get in the way of health and safety. It's been shown to contribute to unsafe sex practices when people don't want to ask for advice or can't work up the courage to buy condoms. It's kept people from flagging potential medical issues for fear of looking foolish in front of their doctor. And can make bystanders less likely to help a stranger in need if there are others there to judge how they act. Which is all to say, pausing to question and weigh out the risks of those awkward scenarios is always a good idea.

17:00If you never feel embarrassed about anything and you always think you're like fantastic at everything and do everything perfect, then I think something must be wrong. We all need to bear our blushes sometimes. So we're all in this together. Takeaway four, all for one and one for awkward. There's power in the collective cringe. To feel embarrassed, like it kind of means you're seeing yourself through somebody else's eyes, which means you're kind of putting yourself in someone else's shoes. It's a version of empathy that unfortunately is kind of hurtful towards yourself, but it does suggest that you're able to see life from another perspective than your own.

17:35Embarrassment and empathy have a lot in common. So try to extend that emotive power outward. Because we could all stand to trip on each other's proverbial shoelaces a bit more, no? Eric says from a neurodivergent perspective, this is especially important to think about. For all the talk that we're not, that neurodivergent people are not empathetic, I actually think we are incredibly empathetic because we're trying like hell to understand the rules so that we can make neurotypical people comfortable because we don't want to be embarrassed. He says it doesn't take a whole lot to make more space for empathy and social awkwardness.

18:10I think it's just about recognizing that not everybody functions the way that you do. I think that what a lot of times you could do is you could kind of be a liaison for your friends. For example, Eric talked about a colleague of his who has an autistic son and helped advocate for Eric at work. Once, his editors reached out to him like, hey, we really like Eric, but sometimes he can go on too long at editorial meetings. What do we do? He says, we'll talk to him about it or like have an invisible signal. So like in editorial meetings, if I was going on too long, there would be like hand signals or things like that.

18:39That was really helpful. Like being somebody who's willing to interpret and guide can be really invaluable. Beyond that, Melissa says awkwardness can be a signal of opportunity to do better in larger structural ways, too. In her book, she pointed to the End the Awkward campaign in the UK, for example, which works to combat the awkwardness people feel speaking with or even just being around disabled people. And Ty says don't forget the unique strengths of awkward people. Like, for example. If I want an opinion about an outfit, I'm not going to ask my socially fluent friends. You know, I'm going to ask an awkward friend because they'll actually tell you.

19:12Like, you know, that looks terrible. Also, because awkward people have tendencies towards obsessive interests, that can also lead to extraordinary outcomes. So there's this strong correlation between social awkwardness and creativity, social awkwardness and innovation. And so awkward people can add to our professional lives or even our social lives with these unique solutions to situations through their obsessive interests and through this unusual perspective that they have on the world. The thing about these self-conscious emotions is, if we let them, they can be really isolating. But clearly, we all stand to benefit from embracing the awkwardness in ourselves and in others, and doing what we can to make the most of our embarrassing moments.

19:57These feelings are just so wrapped up in empathy and connectedness. Even the most outwardly confident presenting person experiences these feelings. I came to see these moments as potential moments for connection with people. Even if it's horrible in the moment, you just have to remember that, like, it's going to make a really good story eventually.

20:23Okay, did that story go on for, like, way too long? Oh, my God, so embarrassing. I'm sorry. Time for a quick, quick recap. Takeaway one. Embarrassment and awkwardness are the result of the self in our heads being at odds with the self out in the world. This can be tough, especially if you struggle navigating social norms. But good news, no one notices or cares about your mistakes nearly as much as you do. Takeaway two, lighten up and laugh it off. When dealing with awkward moments in real time, don't ignore or avoid. Face them head on and with a light touch. Give yourself as much grace as you would a friend and move on.

21:02Takeaway three, challenge the source of your social discomfort. Before you let your embarrassment take the wheel, consider the context of your awkward situation. Did you actually break any rules? Did you cause any real harm? Takeaway four, remember, everybody's awkward. There's power in that shared experience, in big ways and small.

21:26That was Life Kit reporter, Andy Tegel. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We've got one on working through feelings of guilt and another on how to get rid of negative self-talk. You can find those at npr.org slash LifeKit. And if you love LifeKit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash LifeKit newsletter. Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at lifekit at npr.org. This episode of LifeKit was produced by Margaret Serino. It was edited by Claire Marie Schneider and Megan Cain. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Garib.

22:01Megan Cain is our supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Sylvie Douglas and Sam Yellowhorse Kessler. Engineering support comes from Zoving and Hoven. Special thanks to Joe Shapiro. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.

22:27Thank you.