Overcoming romantic obsession

0:01You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, it's Mariel. I saw this video the other day of a little bird that's sitting on somebody's kitchen counter. It must be a pet. And the bird, it sees a potential mate on the floor. So it jumps down and sidles up to the other bird. Nuzzles it. Tries to mount it. Yes, that's the yin-yang twins playing in the background. The iconic seduction song, Wait the Whisper Song. It came out in 2005. Anyway, then you realize the other bird, it's not actually a bird. It is a bird wind-up toy. I feel like I've done this before in dating. Set my sights on somebody juicy, slid into their view, did my little mating dance, and then realized they were not a suitable companion.

0:59And yet I couldn't stop thinking about them, even after I knew they were a wind-up toy. I would say limerence is an altered mental state fundamentally. So it's a state that many of us go into in the early stages of love. And it's kind of a profound romantic infatuation with another person. So the kind of early experience of limerence could quite be well described as a love intoxication. Tom Bellamy is a neuroscientist and author of the book Smitten, which is all about the neuroscience of this state called limerence. Limerence is a term coined by a psychologist named Dorothy Tenov in the 1970s.

1:37And Tom says it's essentially when you get an extraordinary natural high from being with or around another person. You feel euphoric and exhilarated and you have this strong desire to bond with them, typically romantically or sexually. And that's not always bad, right? You might feel limerence in the early stages of a healthy mutual relationship. I felt that myself. But sometimes these feelings get pointed in the wrong direction. You have them for someone who you can't or shouldn't be with, and you get all twisted up. Limerence, if it goes on for too long, usually either because the other person isn't available or they're incompatible in some way, and there's some uncertainty around it, so you're not actually able to form a healthy bond with them.

2:22then it can take quite a negative turn. Sure, you still get that high feeling when you're with them but when you're not, you get anxious and instead of desiring them in a straightforward way you crave them. And it kind of develops into an obsession that's very hard to break and so I think limerence, certainly in those later stages is very well described as addiction to another person. Tom started writing about and researching this topic after he experienced this kind of limerence. limerence that was a problem. He was happily married, but that didn't stop him from developing this craving for somebody else.

2:59My first thought obviously was, well, what's going on in the brain? What's happening to me? How can I make sense of this experience that I'm going through? And so I then came across the book Love and Limerence by Dorothy Tenoff and realized that this described exactly what I was going through, but that I had a perspective on it with an additional sort of 40, 50 years of neuroscience research, I had a completely different perspective on limerence compared to when the book was written in the 1970s. So he started a blog anonymously, and it grew and grew until he had a large following and a community of people who'd been through the same thing.

3:36And so that also gave me a huge kind of database of information of what limerence is and how people experience it and the effect that it has on our lives. On this episode of Life Kit, I talk to Tom about limerence. What does it feel like? When does it become unhealthy? And how can we snap ourselves out of an overwhelming crush or remove ourselves from a romantic relationship that's become unhealthy and addictive? That's after the break.

4:09I'm looking at the list here from the book of symptoms that are characteristic of the condition frequent intrusive thoughts about the other person an acute need for reciprocation of equally strong feeling insecurity or shyness when in the presence of the other person often manifesting in physical discomfort like sweating, stammering, racing heart, an aching sensation in the heart when uncertainty is strong, a remarkable ability to emphasize the positive features of the other person and minimize or empathize with the negative, exaggerated dependency of mood on the other person's actions, so elation when they're reciprocating and devastation when you sense disinterest from them.

4:55Yeah, I've been there. Yeah, it's a common experience for me that when I describe the symptoms of limerence, people split into two camps. Either they say, just as you have, oh gosh, yes, I've experienced that. Or they say, that doesn't sound healthy, that sounds neurotic. So some of us go into that very intense state of intoxication and addiction, but others don't. You talk in the book about how unhealthy limerence is a lot like gambling. It's like you go to the slot machine and then most often you don't get a payout, but sometimes you get a big one and then you get nothing for a while and then you get like just a little small reward and something about that really keeps you hooked.

5:43For some people the thrill of winning in gambling is so exhilarating that it's a very powerful reward that can get reinforced. It's the same idea so when we were talking about uncertainty in a relationship or uncertainty about being able to form a bond with the person that you're limerent for that's what's going on in gambling addiction as well. The payouts are intermittent, so they're not predictable. There isn't really a pattern to the payout from the slot machine. And so you end up in a situation where you have what the psychologist called an intermittent reinforcement schedule. Because it's not predictable, because there isn't a pattern that you can actually learn, you kind of just keep reinforcing that dopamine drive that wanting drive and so that is what would be happening in a scenario like say a situationship where sometimes they're very affectionate sometimes the person obviously shows that they're attracted to you and you're together and you're enjoying each other's company but other times they're not available or they're not forthcoming and maybe they're emotionally withholding and so it's very difficult in that scenario for you to kind of settle into a state of thinking, oh, I can learn what predictably gives me the good reward.

7:05And so you end up just constantly in a state of uncertainty, and that can deepen the addiction. I think what happens in these situations is you keep going back to the other person, hoping they can fix things, right? And almost thinking they're the only person who can make me feel better again. yeah and i mean there's other details to the neuroscience as well about it that are a bit depressing when you reflect on it but in that sort of later stages of addiction it's more that you desperately want contact just to relieve the pain rather than that it is actually exciting or you know euphoric or rewarding anymore it's just being absent hurts so you have you know almost withdrawal pains if you try to detach from somebody that you've you know been limerent for for a long period of time and the way that the brain works is it's a bit peculiar that reward and motivation is actually separate at a neurochemical level from liking so wanting and liking are actually different drives in the brain so you can get into a state where even after you stopped liking something, like if you're addicted to a person that's not treating you well, you still want them.

8:29I think that that's so powerful because a lot of us have experienced that, wanting someone who we don't even like or who doesn't treat us well. And it's easy to beat yourself up for that and say, what is wrong with me? That is so pathetic. First of all, that's not a great way to talk to yourself, but also learning about the neuroscience of it, I think, is really helpful. Yeah, I agree. I mean, I think, again, a lot of addicts feel guilt because they know what I'm doing is destructive, but I can't stop myself. And if you do understand the neuroscience of it, of what's happened, it makes sense. Oh, yes, I have actually driven my brain into this state, But that is also a starting point for trying to change your behavior so that you can get out of that state.

9:21After the break, we'll have tips on how to move on from limerence.

9:31Well, let's talk about getting out of it. How do you start to step back? How do you start to say, OK, I'm breaking this addiction? so I think the starting point is to begin with your mindset recognize that what's happened is that you followed completely natural urges completely natural processes that feel good and in many contexts are good because you know falling in love with another person and getting head over heels for them actually does feel fantastic if things go well. But it's happened in a context in which it's not good for us. And so the kind of mindset shift is to get into that idea of, okay, well, this is all happening in my head.

10:23It's happening within my brain, within my mind. So that's where I need to fix it. And so kind of realizing I don't need to change the behavior of the person that I'm infatuated with it is going to be within my own mind that I can recover from this state and so then reverse the behaviors that you would that you were following that were reinforcing the limerence and do the opposite so you kind of if you like you've accidentally trained yourself into limerence now you can deliberately train yourself out of limerence Okay, takeaway one is to shift your mindset. There's nothing to be ashamed of here.

11:10Having a crush on somebody or being in those early stages of a relationship with them, that is a very strong natural high. It's just that sometimes, especially if you can't be with them or if they're not a good fit for you, these feelings get all twisted up and they turn into a behavioral addiction. You feel like you need this person. You overvalue their opinion about you and your life. When that's the case, it's time to step back. And you can do that. You give a few strategies in the book on how to get over limerence, and one of them is to limit contact. Yeah, so cut off your supply, basically.

11:49So as far as you can, it's not always possible, of course, that sometimes you can't necessarily control if you're going to have contact with this other person. but as far as you can limit contact so that you're not reinforcing the the addiction you're not reinforcing that connection and limiting contact isn't just about like i don't date this person anymore or i don't get into long conversations with them or whatever but it's also i don't look at their social media and i don't daydream about being with them exactly so any of those sorts of things will reinforce the desire, reinforce the connection.

12:30So you want to try and first look at the things that are within your control, like blocking them on social media or using software to mean you literally can't connect with them, but then trying to reduce in-person contact as well. Takeaway two, limit contact. That also means you cannot be friends, At least not until you're over this crush or these feelings. You're trying to do incompatible things to stay close to this person while also losing your romantic feelings for them. Also, your feelings are not likely to stay buried. If you're really crushing on them, it's going to show itself through jealousy, weird behavior, coldness, attempts to smell their hair when you hug them goodbye.

13:16Seriously, take a beat. Take many beats. okay another strategy you offer is to train your brain right like to show yourself that you can exercise self-discipline and you can start by simply noticing the urges you have around this person so it's recognizing when those impulses when those urges are coming up from the subconscious that when that wanting drive is pushing you that you you train your executive brain by recognizing it and even as a first stage you don't have to take any action you can you know in theory but just behave exactly the same way as you would have done but just spotting it is very powerful that all that was a limerent urge oh that's my brain trying to push me to connect that's my reward seeking urge so the psychologists sometimes call this metacognition you're sort of thinking about thinking so you're recognizing your thoughts as you have them and then processing about what the meaning of those thoughts and the meaning of those feelings are and so that can be very useful as well because that is a point at which you can kind of exert your willpower to intercede and think oh that was a limerent urge i've decided not to act on those takeaway three train your brain when you find yourself wanting to interact with this person or get their attention recognize that urge for what it is even if you act on it this time that'll remind you that you do have free will and that you have choices you can also do things that reinforce your self-discipline unrelated to this person make small promises to yourself and keep them i'm going to drink a glass of water every morning when i wake up i'm going to go to bed by 11.30 p.m.

15:10I'm not eating lunch at my desk this week. Tom says small things like that can have spillover effects in other parts of our lives and help us exercise self-discipline when we have the urge to, say, look at our crush's Instagram. Another strategy that you offer in the book is about spoiling the rewards you're getting from this person. And you talk about that in terms of daydreams. You say if you find yourself fantasizing about this person, turn your daydreams into your daymares. That's right. Can you talk about that? Yeah, so the idea here is that you want to break the association between the person you're infatuated with and reward.

15:52So the idea with a daymare strategy is that you take a daydream that you've had and you turn that previously pleasant daydream into a nightmare. If you had this daydream about driving off into the sunset with them, now you change it and they suddenly shout stop the car stop the car and they jump out and say this is a terrible mistake I don't know what I was thinking you know and they run off and you're left there feeling foolish and ridiculous

16:23all right so takeaway four spoil the rewards for yourself if you're always fantasizing about this person change the ending of those daydreams so it's not fun to get lost in them anymore You could also think about the details of this person that you don't like. The way they treat you, for one. Like that time they were supposed to meet up with you and never showed. Or the fact that they always wear cargo shorts and you think they look bad in them. What you're doing here is intentionally trying to give yourself the ick. There's one last stage that is very important. And that last stage is everything that I've kind of been talking about so far is pretty negative.

17:02It's pretty demoralizing. So you're spoiling rewards, you're training your brain, you're breaking contact with somebody that, you know, used to be, even if it was unhealthy, a source of excitement and exhilaration. So it's very important that you have something positive to look forward to as well as you're going through this process. And so that's, you know, the concept that I call purposeful living, where you essentially have to think about using the experience of a negative limerence episode as an opportunity for renewal, that you've learned something about yourself and that you can then use that to improve your life, looking to a more positive future.

17:50Yeah, and you don't necessarily just have to go from one relationship or crush or whatever into another romantic pursuit. No, absolutely. It's probably a good idea to take a break from romantic things until you're sure, you're confident that the limerence has passed. Takeaway five, to overcome limerence, live with purpose. Find the things that you enjoy and that offer new rewards that are, as Tom puts it, similar in scope to the feeling of limerence. So basically get your thrills somewhere else. I feel like I've been doing that this summer by playing softball. I love the way it feels when I successfully make a play, the way it feels when the ball lands in my mitt, when my bat cracks against the ball and sends it flying through the air, when I high five with my teammates, when my foot hits home plate.

18:39That's a high. And it includes connection with other people and successful completion, which is one thing that's lacking from an unhealthy limerence situation. Still, if you're someone who's experienced limerence, you might be wondering, how am I supposed to date? It's kind of a bummer if you've had one of these unhealthy crushes before or unhealthy romantic situations, because then going forward, you're not sure you can trust yourself when you like somebody. Because it's like, it led me astray last time. Maybe I just like people who are emotionally unavailable. law yes um and that can be actually true in the sense that you may identify the things that attracts you or causes the limerence within you to be something negative you know um so if it's people that treat you badly or people who are very you know sarcastic or put you down or something like that often it can be the case that the triggers for that early excitement that that glimmer predict bad outcomes for a long-term relationship and in that case you know it is sensible to to see it you know the limerent glimmer almost as a warning sign rather than you know, a sign of promise.

20:06And, you know, limerence isn't necessary to have a full and happy romantic life. This has been so wonderful, Tom. I really have, I loved the book. I learned a lot from it, learned even more from this conversation. That's great to hear. Thank you. That was Tom Bellamy, neuroscientist and author of the book Smitten. okay time for a recap takeaway one shift your mindset having a crush on someone or being really excited about them isn't necessarily a bad thing but if you find that you're craving a person you can't be with or someone who you know isn't good for you it's time to step back takeaway two limit contact try not to see them or text them or look at their social media or daydream about them as much as you can.

20:58Takeaway three, train your brain to recognize limerent urges and call them out to yourself. Also do things that reinforce your self-discipline unrelated to this person. Takeaway four, spoil the rewards that come with this person. If you're always fantasizing about them, turn those daydreams into daymares. Intentionally give yourself the ick. Finally, takeaway five, to make unhealthy limerence less likely, live purposefully. Find the things that you enjoy and that offer new rewards that are similar in scope to the feeling of limerence. For more Life Kit, subscribe to our newsletter. Every Friday, you'll get even more expert advice on health, money, and more, all curated by the Life Kit team.

21:43And we're hard at work, by the way, on a special series all about credit card debt. You can subscribe at npr.org slash LifeKit newsletter. This episode of LifeKit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Garib. Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from David Greenberg and Jimmy Keeley. Fact-checking by Tyler Jones. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.