Should you let your kid quit something?

0:00You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, everybody. It's Marielle. Our visuals editor, Beck Harlan, is a self-described quitter. She says she's always been okay with throwing in the towel, especially when it comes to hobbies. When I was a junior in high school, I did join the cross-country team. And the practice after our first official race, instead of running the route that the coach had mapped out for us, I decided that I would just run home and never come back. Karate, softball, soccer, dance, clarinet, piano, golf, Girl Scouts. Beck quit them all as a kid. Now, I should say there's a lot she hasn't quit.

0:46She's a committed and loyal friend and partner and a talented artist, writer, and photographer. But now that she's a parent of a four-year-old, she's seeing those quitting instincts pop up again. She and her husband put their son in swim lessons. And the kid hated it, right? Like begged every time not to go. This kind of brought up for me that my husband and I have very different approaches to extracurriculars and quitting. I was like ready to write the email telling the swim school, thank you, we're done. And my husband was like, no, we signed up for this. We're going to finish it. To quit or to tough it out?

1:29That is the question. On this episode of Life Kit, Beck talks with two psychologists who work with children and families about what to do when your kid wants to call it quits. Is it inherently bad to let your child quit something? Will that discourage grit and foster low self-esteem? Or on the other hand, will forbidding quitting cause anxiety and resentment? And maybe most importantly, what do you say when your kid tells you they're done with basketball forever?

2:15so before we dive in a quick note every family is different and has different resources and values We know a lot of activities require financial commitments, and in many cases, it's a privilege to have your child in an activity that they could even consider quitting. It's taking careful planning and saving to get there. So we don't take this conversation lightly. Also, a lot of this advice applies not only to extracurricular activities, but it could be put into practice if your kid starts resisting or having trouble adjusting to other things. A summer camp, aftercare, even a friendship that they used to enjoy.

2:51So I would encourage the takeaways we share in this episode to be viewed not as prescriptive, but as a guide for your own exploration. So when your child comes to you saying they want to quit XYZ, it turns out the first thing you should look at is actually yourself. That's takeaway one. Pay attention to your intention. What are your values personally as a parent? What you want to teach your child? just figuring out what the values are for the family. That's like the first question. That's Crystal Lewis, a child psychologist and clinical researcher at the National Institute of Mental Health. She's also a board member for the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

3:37Crystal says figure out your own why. If you're parenting alongside someone else, you might discover that you don't agree. Maybe you have different whys. Crystal says try your best to have those discussions away from your child. Either way, if your kid wanting to quit elicits a strong reaction in you, what might be at the root of that? Maybe something influenced by your own experience? So what is your intention behind having the child tough it out? And a lot of times our intentions get muddy with our own desires. That's Vanessa Lapointe. She's a psychologist, a parenting coach, and the author of Discipline Without Damage.

4:24And so we start to put on to our child. Like, we think they have to, you know, learn about adaptation and they have to become resilient and they need to have grit or they're never going to make it in life. Or maybe, maybe it's that, you know, as a kid, you were never able to play team sports because your parents didn't have the money for that. So you're going to make sure that your kid gets to play team sports. Of course, there are some non-negotiables. For Vanessa, that was swimming lessons because she lives near water. It's a safety issue. But for the most part, she says that if your intention is anything other than wanting to give your kid a cool experience and provide an opportunity to try something new, then you might be doing it for the wrong reasons.

5:10There's this very famous quote by Carl Jung where he once said that the biggest burden a child will ever carry is the unlived life of the parent. And in the sport world in particular, you see that play out over and over and over again. Now, it's important to know that younger kids may not be developmentally ready to appreciate one of the big parts of what most adults take for granted, that hard work and practice add up to the mastery of a skill. One of the really important considerations, developmentally speaking, is to understand whether or not the child has matured enough from a neurological standpoint to be able to have what we call mixed feelings.

5:55We know that they don't become more skilled at that until somewhere around age 10. Putting too much pressure on an outcome might actually lead to more frustration for you and your kid. Maybe save those lessons about sticking it out for when the kid is older. So when very young children are having a tricky go at a sport and then well-intentioned grown-ups say things like, Well, you know, if you just practice, it'll get easier. If you just spend a little more time, it's going to get better. Kids don't speak that language. She says for younger kids, whatever the activity is, it is much more important that it be focused on relationships and play.

6:40They need to enjoy going to this activity and spending time with the people who are there. Yes, they will probably pick up some skills along the way, but the main point at this stage is connection and play. After all this reflection on your values, now it's time to reflect on the kid in front of you. That's takeaway two. Consider the temperament of your child. Vanessa explains a framework she uses to think about it. I think about temperament a lot through a model put forward by a man named Thomas Boyce, orchids and dandelions. And it's kind of a continuum. One isn't better than the other. It's just data.

7:23And so if you think of the dandelion on the one end, a dandelion you can plant in a crack in the cement and forget to water it. And not only will the dandelion survive, it will probably thrive. So if your kid is a dandelion, they tend to roll with the punches. Not super phased easily. They're hardy. Then there's the orchid kid. And if you've ever tried to grow an orchid, you will know that they require like just the right amount of water and just the right humidity and just the right temperature and just the right light conditions and just the right everything. And if you don't get it just right for the orchid, they don't adapt and they're not going to survive.

8:04An orchid kid might need some more support in their activity or some smart compromises to how they do the activity. I'm always telling parents you have to sniff your children because there sort of steadfast rules about how we're meant to do all of these things, and instead be really guided intuitively by what you understand your child's needs to be. So sniff your kid, or in other words, observe them, not only during the activity, but before and after too. Crystal says that younger children especially may not have the language to explain what they're feeling or experiencing, So you have to use your detective skills.

8:45What am I noticing with my child when they're complaining and saying they don't want to go? Have we not even left the house yet? When is that complaint coming up? And does that match their behavior once they're there? Are they anxious in this situation? Are they just bored? Are they over the activities? Sometimes, you know, kids will complain. But then when we see them out on the soccer field, they're actually having a good time. You know your kid better than anyone. Are they typically okay in a less than perfect setting, even if they're not jazzed about it? Or are they going to wither under these stressors if nothing changes?

9:21If your child leans more orchid and you see that they're really struggling, maybe they just need a different environment. And for those of us who say, well, they just need to toughen up, that is life. Like when you're 37 and your boss is barking at you, you're going to have to figure it out. And so isn't that why we send our five-year-old to soccer? No, because your five-year-old's not 37. Your five-year-old's five. And for your five-year-old to grow into a 37-year-old who's able to take heat like that, they need to have a childhood where they've had a lot of practice and a lot of experience of being regulated emotionally.

10:00Of course we want our kids to stretch and grow and challenge themselves. It feels so good to accomplish something that you couldn't do before. But you're weighing the cost and the benefit because it's our job to protect our kids. Crystal says a good metric for knowing if you need to exit is to ask, is this causing more distress and difficulty than enjoyment? Is this one activity having a negative impact on their overall well-being? We look at the environment of the activity, if it's a kind of toxic or unhealthy environment, difficulties with the coaches or teachers or even the other kids, it might not be a good fit for your child.

10:41Abuse and bullying are beyond the scope of this episode, but if you discovered anything that suggests your child's physical or psychological safety is at risk, that is definitely code red. Crystal says that a few signs to look out for include your kid being incredibly afraid to leave the house or to separate from you, refusing to be around or being constantly concerned about certain people, increased aggression, regressive behavior, or outright refusing to go to the activity. Our experts say in this situation, you need to take action, remove them from the environment, and seek help from a trusted authority.

11:22Hopefully, you've discovered through all of your observations that they're safe, even if they're not loving the activity. Now, it's time for takeaway three. ask your kid what's up maybe and this is going to sound overly simple they just had a terrible horrible no good very bad day the rule of thumb is that we never quit on a bad day maybe you've been working on a certain skill and you were really convinced that today was the day where you'd feel like you had conquered it and you just kind of don't get your toes across the line When you feel really defeated, it is natural to want to quit. Adults do that too.

12:01So if you learn that your kid just had a tough day, let their big emotions settle a little before making any decisions. If it's not just defeat from a bad day, do a little more digging. Crystal shares some ideas for questions to get you started. How do you feel about this? What do you like about it? What don't you like? As you learn more, your questions can get more specific. Do you feel nervous when you have to go out on the soccer field or when we're leaving the house? Are you worried that you're missing out on little brother gets to watch the show that you want to watch? There can be all these data points.

12:34I think it's just kind of asking the questions to see what your child's saying. Even if they've been complaining, I think you have all the info, you've heard it a million times. Just go ahead and ask anyways, because you might be surprised what you learn. See what they will verbalize, right? And then maybe it's as simple as that for them to tell you like, well, I'm hungry when I'm there. I get hungry, so I don't like going to soccer. Then you realize like, oh, it's not the activity, right? There's this data point of like, it's later in the day and my child's hungry. Being hangry. We can all relate to that.

13:08And hopefully it's as simple as that. Or maybe you discover it's something a little trickier. And they're scared that no one will talk to them. Or that they get really embarrassed when they strike out. Another thing to consider is if your kid might be experiencing burnout. Crystal says this is a common reason for losing interest in an activity. Maybe they just need a break. She says pay attention to the child's mood. Have they been having a lot of ups and downs? If they're verbalizing or displaying signs of anxiety or fear to go to activities when before they seem to be okay. Are they more irritable than usual or more avoidant?

13:47And some other signs might be, you know, the child's going to the activity, but they're just zoned out. They're daydreaming. They have trouble focusing. A lot of times that just results from the fatigue they're experiencing and that they're just feeling tired. Kids should have some unstructured free time every day. So if your kid isn't getting that, make space for it in your routine. Is there an hour each day that they can just either do whatever they want, unwind, some sort of relaxation activity for the child and the family? That's more important. So even if they have seven or eight different activities, we want to make sure they also have time for themselves and just time to unwind.

14:26So just a reminder, there are countless reasons that could be at the root of your child's desire to call it quits. Super tough day, trouble making friends, performance anxiety, maybe a coach they don't click with, being hangry, FOMO, burnout. This root cause is what you want to home in on at this stage of the game by putting together what you know about your kid, what you've observed about them and their environment, and what you've discovered by talking with them. That's crucial before approaching the next takeaway. Figuring out what's next. Takeaway four. Discuss the options. Now it might surprise you that there may be more than two options here.

15:09It's not necessarily just quit or tough it out. What's the gray area here? What can we modify? Is there a way to just either give them a break somehow or reduce the amount that they're engaging in the activity? And that could sometimes be helpful. If it's a little bit of anxiety or nervousness about going to the activity, it might just be a conversation about how that's helpful and how anxiety helps us. And I think also it's just talking through, you know, well, we made this commitment. What does that mean to you? And then what does that mean to me as a parent? Get creative. Are there other ways to stay engaged that still relieve a little bit of the pressure or anxiety?

15:48It could be. Well, since we signed up, we are going to go. But you can sit on the sideline and watch or sit and talk to the coach. And so it's like we're still going to carry out this commitment, but here's how we're modifying it, which is very important. And that's something where you're still teaching the child, like, we made this commitment, so we're going to have to go. but I'm not going to force you, right, to do something that's super uncomfortable. Embrace the gray area. Maybe you decide it's okay to be 10 minutes late so that your kid has time for a snack. Or you bring their younger sibling to practice too so that they get to actually spend time together on the bus.

16:22Or maybe you help them practice their dribbling at home because you discovered that they get embarrassed doing it in front of their friends. So I think you can have these conversations and figure out a good plan without just immediately jumping to, we're going to quit this activity, or it's like, no, absolutely not. You're going to finish this out. Whatever you decide, maybe they stick it out. Maybe you compromise. Maybe they quit. Don't put too much pressure on this one activity. I really get how for a lot of parents, these decisions in the moment, they feel like such big things. And I think for us as parents to all just like, like take a breath and realize in the grand scheme of things, this isn't actually a big thing.

17:14So what do you do the next time a request to join something comes up? That's takeaway five. Debrief and set expectations. Let's say your kid really wanted to quit their dance class and you decided that was okay, but now they're coming to you wanting to take a series of ice skating lessons. What kind of conversation can you have with them? So let's think through how this other activity went. What did you like? What did you not like? Do we think this is a good choice moving forward, given some of the similarities, or, you know, this is going to be very different, and we know that this is going to be a challenge, so how can we prepare for that?

17:53If you think it's best to take a pause, that's okay. Or rather than just going all in, see if there's a way to sample the activity before signing up for a long series of lessons. So sticking with the ice skating example, maybe your child's never been on the ice before. It could be helpful to just kind of do some level of exposure. So hey, maybe we should just go ice skating for fun. Give them some level of like, this is what it might be like. And then the child can say like, oh, this, yeah, this is really hard, but I want to learn this. And so then you can kind of prepare them for, yes, it's going to be hard and this is how we're going to get through it.

18:31So a quick update. I know you've been wondering. My son is actually still in swimming lessons. We figured out through a little investigating that he was scared of putting his head under the water. And when my husband told the coach, they all agreed he didn't have to get dunked during swim class. The switch flipped. He was happy to go to lessons from that moment on. Of course, you actually do need to get your head wet to swim, and he decided to take that leap in his own time, in a different setting when he was really comfortable, when we were swimming with his cousins on vacation this summer. Now, he does himself at swimming lessons.

19:10Like, literally, he takes his hand and puts it on the back of his head, and he shoves his face in the water. okay it's time for a recap takeaway one pay attention to your intention be honest with yourself about your values and remember the point of extracurriculars is mostly that your kid has cool experiences and tries new things takeaway two consider the temperament of your child you know them and you know when something is too much for them if they're in the panic zone they're not going to thrive. Takeaway three, ask your kid what's up. See what they'll verbalize about their emotions and experiences.

19:52Takeaway four, figure out a plan of action that honors your family's values and also your child's temperament and experiences. And remember, there are often more than two options. Small tweaks can go a long way. And our fifth and final takeaway, debrief and prepare for next time. Before you start something new, talk with your child about what worked and didn't work last time, and consider giving them a chance to explore the activity before committing.

20:27That was LifeKids visuals editor, Beck Harlan. For more LifeKid, check out our other episodes. We've got one on how to know if you're overindulging your kid, and another on what to do if your child is misbehaving. You can find those at npr.org slash life kit. And if you love life kit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at life kit at npr.org. This episode of life kit was produced by Margaret Serino. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our digital editor is Malika Green.

21:03Megan Cain is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Claire Marie Schneider, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Kwasi Lee. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.

21:33Thank you.