The cost of being there: budget for your friend's celebrations

0:00You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

0:08Hey everybody, it's Mariel. Have you started getting wedding invites for this year yet? What about invites to big milestone birthday parties or anniversaries? Book launch parties and baby showers? Gender reveals and graduations? Christenings? Bat mitzvahs? If we're lucky, we get lots of opportunities every year to celebrate with our people. And I really mean that. It is a blessing to spend this kind of time together and toast to life. But damn, does this stuff get expensive? The digital finance company Achieve did a survey in 2024 about the cost of being there for community celebrations. Three in four respondents said celebrating other people's big life moments was interfering with their financial well-being.

0:51The extent to which that happened was really surprising to me that it was that high. Austin Kilgore is an analyst at Achieve's Center for Consumer Insights. 79 % said that it takes them more than a month to prepare financially to attend a major life milestone. Included in that 79 % was 18 % who said it would take them over six months. So it really speaks to the kind of paycheck to paycheck nature of many American households. Our reporter Andy Tegel has been looking into this. And on this episode of Life Kit, we talk about the cost of being there. January is a good time to take stock of what events you have coming up this year, what your budget is, and what you can say yes and no to.

1:30And we're going to help you do that.

1:52Andy, hi. Hey, Mariel. We're talking about these big, expensive milestone events. Birthdays, graduations, weddings. weddings I feel like these events have a habit of piling on top of each other in the same year like I remember having seven weddings one year you just end up spending so much money so much money Mariel oh my gosh yeah that that was me too I think my record was eight weddings in one year I was asked to be a bridesmaid like three times within that year and you know the thing about these events, Marielle, is that they are in fact getting more and more expensive. They're getting bigger and bigger.

2:31You're not just imagining it. There's a few forces at work here, according to Austin at Achieve Financial. So the pandemic created this huge party backlog. And when things started opening up again, that drove up prices, which have gone up a huge amount anyway because of inflation in general. Also, people feel a lot of pressure to keep up with their friends on social media. And don't worry, we'll get there. Okay, how expensive are we talking here? Yeah, I've got a few hard numbers to illustrate that for you. The average cost for a wedding guest in 2023, according to The Knot, was around$580. That's all in cost, so including travel, accommodation, attire, wedding gifts.

3:09The average cost of being a bridesmaid is around$1 ,900. Again, that's according to data from The Knot. It's harder to find exact numbers for groomsmen, but most sources ballpark it around $1 ,600. Now weddings, of course, aren't the only milestone events that we spend money on or that are getting bigger and more expensive. They're just the parties that seem to have the most data collected about them. We do know that the average cost of a kid's birthday party, for example, has risen to$314. And I can attest, after throwing my son's first birthday and attending several celebrations from baby showers to graduations to bachelorettes, all of these gatherings can be way, way more expensive than the average.

3:46And as a result, the people throwing these events often expect guests to show up and go all out. I haven't gone to bachelorettes, which now I actually just say no to. But I, you know, you go to a group house a lot of the time with a bunch of women that you don't know that your friend knows from like other parts of her life. And then you end up sleeping on an air mattress because there aren't enough beds for everybody, but paying the same amount as everybody else. And then they buy house things that no one consults you on, like a bunch of necklaces in the shape of genitalia or like little props to use for photos or whatever.

4:26And then they charge you. You get a Venmo request after for all of those things that you didn't really feel like you co-signed. Yeah, I'm really glad you bring this up. It's a common complaint. And, you know, I think the point here is it can be really expensive to be there for your people. Of course, we want to show up for our friends and our family on the big days, but it's hard when it feels like it costs you an arm and a leg to share in those special moments. And according to one of our experts, there's one particular culprit at work here. I think it's a lot of social media. I think it's a lot of social pressure to feel connected.

5:00So this is Jasmine Ramirez Ibabuchi. She's a financial therapist and one half of By Any Means Coaching. They're a husband and wife financial coaching company centered on financial literacy for the BIPOC community. We're going to hear from her partner, Chijosie, a financial strategist as well a little later. And what she says is that social media has expanded the scope of what a social event can be or can look like and has also heightened and intensified that keeping up with the Joneses phenomenon you're talking about. These things add up and they cost money, you know, especially if you see other friends that might be in different financial situations that are spending a little bit more on their own milestones.

5:36Like, oh, this person had lobster at their wedding. I think we need to have that. And it just continues to add to the pressure of what things need to look like and what it should be. None of this is breaking news, but social media can really magnify all of these things and make people feel like they have to go all out because it seems like everybody else is and everybody else can afford to. And so when you're a guest, it's hard to know what to do, right? And I feel like the solution can't be to just spend all of your money on other people's events? I mean, that's the million dollar question, right?

6:06You have to make decisions about these milestone events based on your values and your resources. And luckily, we have some tools and some data that can help you with that. According to that Achieve survey, a fair amount of Americans are willing to go into debt for this stuff, especially for close friends and family. Now, is that ever a good idea? Jasmine says from a strictly financial perspective? Probably not. But also... At the same time, money is very emotional. If your sister's getting married, I'm doubtful that you're going to be like, I'm not going to do what I need to do to get there, right?

6:40Obviously, we want to limit it and we want to be mindful about those things. But I think making that personal decision for yourself and what you're comfortable with and having a plan. Yeah. And the new year seems like a good time to map this out, right? To look at what events you're invited to and how much each of them could possibly cost. Yeah, just like anything else, right? Just like all the other financial planning you're probably doing around this time of year, you want to make a plan, right? And financial strategist Chidozi Ibabuchi, he's the other half of By Any Means Coaching, can help us out with that.

7:09He says one thing that can be helpful is if you've already attended an event like this previously, doing a kind of postmortem before going to the next one and breaking down the cost can really help you out here. We spent$1 ,000 on these types of occasions. Let's plan that out for the following year ahead of time. So maybe let me put money into a separate account. Maybe it could be 50 bucks a week or 50 bucks a month. That adds up to how much you think you may spend. And that's a really cool automatic way to start saving towards these expenses. So, you know, if you don't have previous knowledge to rely on, he says, take the time to do a little bit of research.

7:45Just a little bit of research and make a budget for yourself. It doesn't have to be something super extensive. We have our lodging. We have our transportation. We have our food and beverage and we have our activities. We try to keep it very simple. Those are the categories. And how much do we anticipate spending in those categories? And then work backwards from them.

8:05Okay, takeaway one. Make an annual budget, including a line for how much you'll be able to spend on other people's celebrations. Weddings, birthdays, baby showers. Then tally up the events you have this year and get a sense of where you might need to stretch. You can look at events you've attended in the past to estimate costs and start saving if you need to. So what happens when you do this accounting, this budgeting? You look at all the events that you're invited to this year and you realize, I cannot afford to go to all of these. You know, it's going to happen. So I spoke with etiquette expert, Micah Meyer.

8:44She is the founder of Beaumont Etiquette, and she had a lot of good tips for us on how to handle this. First up, if you know you're not going to be able to attend something, especially if it's a big event like a wedding mariel, you want to let someone know as soon as possible. In some cases, people might have a second or a third round invite list and they're waiting for those RSVPs to come in to see who else they might potentially have room for. Mike also mentioned, and I should say feels pretty strongly about this, that for weddings specifically, even if you're not attending, this was news to me, she suggests still sending a wedding gift.

9:18She says it doesn't have to be something super fancy or expensive. The idea of having to cover the cost of your plate is a myth. It is not something you have to do. She wants to dispel that. She says sentimental gifts are absolutely okay. Micah has often recalled in interviews that the best gift she ever received when she got married was a watercolor painting of the place that she and her husband met. Just to give you an example. Etiquette is such an interesting thing because I think it reveals a lot about what we value as a culture. And I have always felt like I'm very happy for my friends when they get married.

9:52And that's not the only celebration that's important. Like it's put up on this pedestal. You have to do this. But what about people who don't get married, you know, and they never get that sort of attention from anyone or anyone helping them to build their new life or buying them pots and pans for their kitchen? Absolutely. Everybody deserves pots and pans. We should celebrate people fully and not just because they're choosing to partner with someone. Only you can decide what your values are and how you spend your money will reflect your values. You don't have to say yes to everything and you don't have to give a gift, but if you can swing it, it's a thoughtful thing to do.

10:29Yeah. When you're declining an event, does it help to explain your financial situation? Yeah, that's a really good question. My guess suggests offering a note with your regrets. Obviously, depending on your relationship with the person, that might look or sound differently. But no matter what, here's what she says when it comes to weddings specifically. You have to remember that it's somebody's biggest day or most special day, perhaps, of their life, and they wanted you there. So to reciprocate that emotionally, if you can't be there, and just saying how grateful you were to be invited even might be a nice way to start.

11:06So Micah says it's okay to keep it simple. But in other cases, for other events, it might not be a bad idea to go into a little more detail about your current financial situation. Austin says that's actually what's been happening more and more. One of the things that we saw in the survey was that Gen Z and younger millennials were more likely to say that they've had to miss an event, a major milestone of a friend or family member because of financial considerations. But they're also more comfortable discussing it and sharing, citing that as a reason for why they can't attend something. It sounds like we're moving into loud budgeting territory.

11:42Loud budgeting. Exactly correct, Muriel. Jasmine's going to break down that idea for us. Loud budgeting is really just sharing what your financial goals are with your friends, with your family, and really inviting them into a sneak peek into what your life is like as you're budgeting. So, for instance, an example could be like, you know, I can't make that dinner tonight because I'm saving for my car. How about we do dinner at home and we can, you know, I'll make something right. Research shows there's a lot of benefits to loud budgeting. You know, when you're honest about your situation, you don't have to overextend yourself financially.

12:17It can eliminate this need to have it all mentality for you. And also, hopefully. When they're talking about money, their friends and family are like on board with it and want to support them in that. And so it's definitely a powerful tool that can decrease shame, increase sort of awareness and increase hitting your financial goals at the same time. I guess it's also when you've made a budget like we talked about at the beginning of the year, then you can feel more confident in yourself when you tell people that's not in my budget. I can't afford that. Yeah, you're holding yourself accountable to the to the goals you made at the beginning of the year.

12:56takeaway two you might not be in a financial position to go to everything you're invited to this year let your values and relationships guide what you say yes and no to maybe you pick your best friend's birthday over an acquaintance's wedding there's no right or wrong here but when you do say no to things consider sending a gift or a heartfelt note that explains why and if you're comfortable with it it's totally fine to give your finances as a reason another potential benefit when you have a lot of milestone events coming up is that it might open up avenues for collaboration or cost sharing with friends so austin said the thing about attending milestone events like baby showers or graduations is a lot of the time you're getting invited along with other friends right um and chances are at least some of your peers might be in the same financial position as you are so if you say you know it'd be hard for me to make that trip right now, maybe you can share a hotel room or carpool or go in together on a baby shower gift, right?

13:52There are a lot of little ways that might make costs a little more manageable if you're sharing the burden. If you're hosting one of these events, what can you do to be kind to your friends and considerate of their financial situations? Yeah, that's a good question, Marielle. So I think, you know, loud budgeting can certainly still apply for people who are planning events. Chidozi did have some great advice for us on financial planning for group setting specifically. And that was to plan costs ahead and to set very clear expectations. So for example, if you're going to ask someone to be a groomsman.

14:27Hey, here is what the expectations are in terms of cost for the actual wedding itself. So what you're going to wear. Here are the different events that, you know, are a part of it. What is generally the cost, food and beverage travel that are expected around it? So giving them a heads up of, hey, you being invited to this, here's what the total cost may look like. Let me know if that works for you. And I'm happy to have offline conversations. If this doesn't work for you, it's okay. So, you know, give people a deadline and give people permission to say no. What if you really don't want to say no to someone, but you can't afford all of the bells and whistles of their event?

15:08And is there a way to brainstorm or collaborate on other options? Yes, absolutely. It doesn't just have to be 100 % yes or 100 % no. Negotiation is allowed. Here's Jasmine. Being invited to be in a bridal party is an invitation. So there are maybe some parts that you can participate in and others that you can't. Maybe you can't make the bridal shower, but you can make the bachelorette. Or maybe you can, you know, get your bridesmaids dressed, but you're going to do your own hair and makeup instead of having to pay for it. So I think that there's conversations and certainly negotiation that can be had in these spaces and can really be an opportunity to lean into vulnerability and really strengthen that friendship and that bond that you have with that person.

15:52Okay, I want to ask you about one problem that I've run into, especially at bachelorette parties. you end up grouped together with a bunch of people who you may not know they're friends of the bride and you want to support your friend but you get rolled financially you know it's like the group makes decisions or the maid of honor makes decisions about what everyone is spending and then you just kind of have to say yes if you're in for a penny you're in for a pound kind of thing. Splitting the bill when it comes to big milestone events is a big issue. It's a common issue. It's something that I talked to Chidozi and Jasmine about.

16:30We talked a lot about the difference between equal versus equitable, right, which is treating everyone the same versus treating everyone fairly based on their individual needs and circumstances. So they said when it comes to group trips, when it comes to group activities for milestone events, the key is to plan ahead with enough time to give people options that work for everyone. And not everyone has to split everything equally. Here's to Josie. We know that Airbnbs come in all different shapes and sizes, right? You can have a single bed with a suite, or you can have, you know, a bunk bed situation.

17:05Each person may have to pay different depending on their style and what they're comfortable with. So if someone only coming for a day or versus someone who wants a larger room or doesn't want to share with another person, their cost is going to look a little bit different than the other people. And everyone has the same deadline to opt in or opt out. Question. What is the statute of limitations?

17:31I'm going back to the friend who I don't even talk to anymore and her friends from this bachelor party and being like, I'd like a refund on that one night I didn't stay and then also prorate it because I slept on the floor. It's awkward, right? It's a hard conversation to have. So, you know, something Jasmine said was if it's really uncomfortable to stay with the group in the fancy place, you might find an excuse to not stay in the actual place, right? You might find like a cheap hotel outside of the thing and just pay for the activities that you go to the group with, something like that. But I think the bottom line here is you don't just have to pay for it if you don't want to pay for it.

18:12If you don't want the genitalia necklace, you don't have to just pay for the genitalia necklace. What am I supposed to do with it, Andy? You know what? Where does it go? I can't wear it out. I wish I had the answers for you. It's a right of path. We all have them in our pen cups, I think, because that's where mine live. What else do you do with it? So obviously, the thing about this is you're going to have to have communication. You're going to have to communicate beforehand. You're going to have to communicate during. You're going to have to communicate after. That can be difficult. You're going to have to have someone who's super organized.

18:43you're gonna have to negotiate all of that can be difficult um there is a lot of technology that can help you out right that can take a lot of guesswork out of this uh split wise is a popular app tab is another one of our experts mentioned for some of these things that can at least take some of the math out of this you can decide beforehand how much a night is worth at a vacation rental how much a bigger room is worth versus you know getting one of the bunk beds it'll require talking to people but you know save yourself some of the stress some of the pain takeaway three if you do want to go to an event but cost is an issue there might be some flexibility you could collaborate with friends on a gift you could opt out of the bachelorette party or only go to some of the activities you could stay at a cheaper place be up front with the group and with the person who's throwing the event about your cost constraints and work out a solution before the event begins that could save you from straining your relationships I feel like the solution to all this might just be don't have so many friends you know

19:48I mean you know something another way to phrase this is like it's a good problem to have that year when I had when I was eight eight weddings and a bridesmaid for all of them and didn't have two pennies to rub together like what a good problem to have that there was like so much love to go around and you know it was a it was a hard year for for very very good reasons yeah You could also just choose to say no. That is also a very valid option depending on what your goals are. And that's exactly actually what Jasmine and Chidozi said, is that wherever you are with your life, wherever you are with your finances right now, just try to embrace that.

20:21Here's Jasmine. There's seasons for spending, seasons for saving, and be mindful of what season you might be in. You might be in a different season than a friend or a family member and just lean into it. What I'm hearing is permission to reconsider spending all of your money on other people. Because I think that if friendships are real, then your friends will be your friends, whether you spend a ton of money on them or not. Yeah, I think that's really the final answer here. We don't put ourselves through all this for the parties or the plates of food. You do it to be there for the people you love and to share in the memories.

20:59It's so cliche, but time is priceless, right? Time is the most valuable thing we can give to each other. Takeaway four. There are seasons for spending and seasons for saving. Embrace the season you're in right now. And yeah, it can feel awkward being that friend who has to say no to things. And it can also be difficult attending things that are just out of budget. No matter what you decide, know that your friends will understand if they are your friends and that there are many, many ways to show someone you love them. Yeah, there are lots of ways to show love. And a lot of them don't involve spending money, right?

21:40So you want to have friends who will see that and appreciate that about you. The fact that you show up for them with soup when they're sick, you know, or maybe you come over when I was sick and I went through chemo like my friend came over and did my dishes while I was laying on the couch or things like that. They know when you had the job interview and they check in and say, like, how did it go? Or they're so excited when you got the new job, whatever it is like it's it's effort, but it's not necessarily money. Of course, it's I mean, these milestone events, they're about being with your people.

22:13It's not about the gifts you give or the backdrops you take the pictures in front of. Yeah, it's about how you show up for people all year long. Yeah, no special date on the calendar required.

22:27Okay, time for a recap. Takeaway one, look at all the big events you've been invited to or you expect to be invited to this year. And make a celebration budget for yourself. Takeaway two, pick what you say yes and no to based on what or who you value most. When you do say no, consider sending a note, a gift, and giving a reason. That could be a financial one. Takeaway three, if you really want to go to something but it's out of your budget, there might be some wiggle room. You could opt out of certain parts, find cheaper lodging, collaborate on a gift. Don't be scared to talk about it and just be up front early to avoid any communication issues.

23:09Takeaway four, if you can't go to a friend's event for money reasons, you can still give them your time, support, and love. Friendships are about how you show up all year long, not just one specific calendar date.