When your best friend tells you to stop texting her

0:00The last time Antonio Mays Sr. heard from his son, it was in a note the 16-year-old left in the family's garage. He told me he was going to make me proud. Antonio Jr. left home to join a protest in Seattle. A week later, he was shot and killed there. I need some arrest made, justice for my son. Listen to We Keep Us Safe on the Embedded podcast from NPR.

0:26I was telling Megan all about this. I was dog sitting for three days. Really? I feel like I don't have the, what's the word? The stamina, the like. Constitution. I was starting to be like, can I have a baby? Like if I can't even do this for three days. And you know what they say? It's one of those things like when it's your dog, it's different. Like when it's your baby, it's different. Yeah. I was never a kid person. I just remember being like, they're just sticky. all the time. Why are they always sticky? And now my kid is always sticky. And I'm like, yeah, fine with it. You get conditioned to being a gross cesspit and like always having like jam and yogurt.

1:05I don't know if you're selling this. I don't know if you're selling it. Sorry. Cesspit.

1:14Hello and welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit, the series where you send us your questions and we try to dole out some helpful advice with help from the collective wisdom in our archives. I am Mariel Segara, and as always for Dear Life Kit, reporter Andy Tegel is here. Hey, Andy. Hi. And we've also got our digital editor, Malika Grieb here. What's up? Hello. Hello. Hi, I like your Dodgers jersey. Me too. Thank you. It's the Filipino edition. Oh. Envy. Cool. A lot of envy. If you have a question for us, please get in touch. Write us or record yourself asking your question and email the file to lifekit at npr.org.

1:54Okay, Andy, let's get started. What's our first question? All right, let's do it. So Lizeth writes, my best friend is expecting her first child and we live in different countries. I want to be supportive, but my friend was clear in setting a boundary. No texts or communication until she appears with news when she has time and energy to do it. I just want to be a good friend, but I miss her. How can I be supportive, respect your boundaries, but still be there, even in the distance? I'm a childless person, and I don't plan to have kids. But being an auntie with my friend's child would be a dream.

2:27Wow. That sounds painful. Can I just say, this sounds like a red flag for me, for the friend. Like, is she okay? Is the friend okay? Like, this is a long-distance friendship already. Like, long-distance friendship is what? Sharing memes with each other. Sending those Instagram videos to each other. Like, how do you feel right now? Are you okay? Do you need anything? And like not wanting any of that communication is kind of wild for a best friend dynamic. Or like, does this friend just not know what's going to happen? Like, I'm thinking like first baby on the way, there's a very high possibility.

3:00If this is really what they think they need, there's a very high possibility if this person is really your best friend that that's going to change. So like, if it were me, if this was my best friend telling me this, I'd be like, okay, I'm going to do my best to respect what you think that you need. but I'm going to send you a giant care package. And in that giant care package, there's going to be like a menu of options. And that menu of options, it's going to be like a plane ticket that's going to be like ready to go. A diaper delivery, it's going to be like a food train, whatever. And the other thing I might do is I'm going to like call that panel of experts that knows her.

3:30I'm going to call your partner. I'm going to call your mom. I'm going to be like, is she okay? This is a strange request with a baby on a way. And although you can send something like a care package, like you said, Andy, and just be clear that they don't need to respond. Totally. Yeah. I will say, though, like the desire to be a supportive adult in a kid's life, I mean, it makes a lot of sense. And you mentioned that you don't have children and you don't plan to. We actually did an episode on being child free. And one of the points that people made was just because you're child free doesn't mean you don't like kids.

4:05And in fact, like kids are often a part of your community and you want to play a role in their lives, just not as their guardian. So that impulse makes a lot of sense, but this might not be the right child and the right family to do that with right now. And there are people that you'll meet who you haven't even met yet who you could become an auntie to. So just look out for those opportunities, too, and, like, share your love where it's appreciated. Don't put all your eggs in this basket. Yeah, that's true. Never put all your eggs in one friendship basket.

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6:40All right, next question. Next question. All right. Brian writes, I am a single father of two kids, a girl, 13, and a boy, 11. Both play in a variety of sports. We spend countless hours, days, and weekends at competitions, tournaments, practices, games, and other gatherings. Personally, I think they should be spending more time improving themselves in their sports independently. But their mother thinks being enrolled in an activity is important to their improvement and to limit screen time. She often dismisses my concerns with, it's just a busy time in our life. It's exhausting spending three to five hours a day supporting these activities on top of everything else I have to do.

7:18The financial side is also ridiculous. I don't know how families do this, especially single parents. How can I navigate this with my children? I want to be supportive. However, at what cost to my mental, physical, and emotional well-being? I hear this a lot. That's a big no for me. I feel like I'm not doing that. But I'm also not the most – I'm just thinking about myself. I'm not also the most motivated to do a lot of extracurriculars. So I'm curious to hear about what you all will say. Wait a minute, Malika. You do all sorts of extracurriculars. I know, I know, I know. What are you talking about?

7:52I don't do like organized extracurriculars. Organized ones. Okay. Like I'm not going to like be in a class. Okay. Are you just saying sports? Like you're just not big on sports? I just think that it's so tiring for the parent and for the kid. But I want to like just hear what y 'all have to say. You know what? Just to that point, Malika, I feel like what you're getting at is that you do a lot of unstructured play. Like you'll be like, what do I feel like doing? You let yourself get bored for maybe a microsecond and then you're like, I'm going to build a fountain in my backyard. But like all these ideas are coming from you.

8:29Nobody told you to do them. Right. And they come when you got a little bored, which that is definitely an asset for kids, I think. What I was going to tell Brian is that I'm like I'm just I'm tired for him. Poor Brian. It sounds definitely like both Brian and his kids are pretty overscheduled. So the first thing I'm wondering is how do your kids feel about that? I feel like, you know, ages 11 and 13, that feels old enough to have at least some say in these scheduling decisions. That's often our first takeaway at LifeKit is consider why you're doing this. Do you actually enjoy this? Are they like actually talented in sports?

9:06If they're not talented, take them out. Just kidding. Oh, my God. Hot take. I don't know about all that. Wait, wait. On a serious note, though. Yeah. A lot of the – one refrain that I hear from parent friends here in my community in Nashville is that, like, organized sports for children is so intense. You know, everyone thinks that they're raising, like, a little NFL player, you know. And that's not going to be the story of everybody. There's got to be some kind of, like, lower-key, middle-ground level of organized sports activity that is just a little chiller than others. Mm-hmm. But I don't think it's necessarily about them having to be good at it.

9:48Like, do they enjoy it? Do they enjoy being in all of these sports? Then from there, first, your time is as valuable as theirs. Like, period, full stop. Love that. If you're going to keep the schedule, at the very least, you have to carve out some dedicated parent PTO. This is something we talk about a lot. Every parent deserves to protect a few hours, a day of the week, a weekend every month, whatever feels actually achievable and maintainable just for you. But I also think it's totally fair to go to your kids, to go to their mom and say, you know, let's just pick one sport. If you need a sport, if you need that organized activity, one sport per kid per season.

10:24Like I'm a parent, but I'm also a person. I want you to be involved, but I shouldn't have to spend every free waking moment acting like a shuttle service or an equipment manager. I think that also teaches kids how to make priorities, right? Because as adults, they're going to have limited income like most people and they're going to have limited time like all of us. And so they need to start learning how to budget those things. And so you can say to them, like, what are you most excited about? I mean, along those lines, the last thing I was going to say is because it's like the mom was talking about, like, they need to be scheduled because they need to be away from their tech.

10:58And so along those lines, my last suggestion was about an episode we did for how to be better screen time role models for kids. I interviewed this researcher, Jean Twenge. She has these 10 rules for raising kids in a high-tech world. And one of them was in the absence of devices, give your kids real-world freedom to help them be more independent. So, for example, letting them go to the grocery store, like letting them bike to the grocery store if it's close enough. Having them get the groceries, having them bring them home, having them cook dinner with those free afternoons. Yeah. And then two for one, dad, you don't have to cook dinner.

11:33Cooking skills are much more important for the average adult than soccer skills. Dang, she said it. During the World Cup season, no less. I know. Mariel Segara hates the World Cup. Just kidding. Just kidding. Andy, you want to take us to our next question? Next question. Yes, I will. Okay. Our next question. Dear Life Kit, after a pleasant four-way conversation with my wife, my pregnant daughter, and my son-in-law, we all say, love you, bye, or something to that effect. Recently, my son-in-law started embellishing the phrase by saying, love you, bye, send money. What? I don't know if he's serious or joking.

12:16We've given them money in the past, but we've never been specifically asked for it. How do I respond? Wow. He's bold. He's bold. um yes malica please yeah okay so there's two things here one is that like i love that he's in a relationship with his father-in-law where he can tell him he loves him let's give him his flowers for that okay i think there's no way around this other than to just pull him aside address the elephant in the room and say in a kind way like i notice you've been joking about needing money are you are you guys okay are you in a tough financial spot and i think just like addressing it right there hopefully tells the son-in-law like okay yeah that might have been an awkward joke to make and we'll shut the joke down but then it also shows the son-in-law that yeah the father-in-law hears what he's putting down and he's addressing the issue right i think conversation is often the answer when it comes to money awkwardness so many things get weird because people don't want to talk about money it's awkward talking about money though i hate talking about money.

13:17Yeah. You love talking about money, Marielle. You love talking about money. I kind of do. I don't know. I think like we actually just did an episode on financial guilt. And one piece of advice that Lauren Williams, the financial planner, gave us is if you are going to give money to someone in your family or your friend, first think about how much you want to give and can afford to give before you have a conversation with them or ideally before they even ask you because that can help you make decisions from a place of tapping into your values and from a clear-headed place versus making decisions from a place of guilt and pressure.

14:01Yeah absolutely. Would we want them to pay us back? What would we be willing to give them money for? All of those things so like you're on the same page when you go to them and you have your clear boundaries set up. I think it all starts with a conversation.

14:19This message comes from Jerry. Are you tired of your car insurance rate going up, even with a clean driving record? That's why there's Jerry, your proactive insurance assistant. Jerry compares rates side by side from over 50 top insurers and helps you switch with ease. Jerry even tracks market rates and alerts you when it's best to shop. No spam calls, no hidden fees. Drivers who save with Jerry could save over$1 ,300 a year. Switch with confidence. Download the Jerry app or visit jerry.ai slash NPR today. All right, Andy, last question. Okay, let's do it. Dear Life Kit, my husband and I have dear friends that we've known for about a decade.

15:00We love them both. They're kind and generous, but every time we're with them, she's mean to her husband. She gets super irritable and critical, and he's clearly stepping on eggshells and super deferential. Do I risk our friendship by pulling her aside and confronting her? I know marriages are private and challenging, but it's so uncomfortable and sad to witness her cut him down. Yeah. Yikes. I mean, obviously, we don't know what's happening behind the scenes. I mean, there are two options here, right? You could talk to her or you could talk to him. Either way, one way to start is by telling them how much you value them and the friendship.

15:37That's advice we've gotten from the psychologist Marissa Franco in an episode about conflict in friendship. Because that signals the reason you're bringing the issue up is because you're invested in them and because you care about them. So you could go to the wife and say, hey, I really value our friendship and there's something I want to talk about. Like I've noticed a few times recently that you put Tim down when we're all hanging out. Can we talk about that? Like what is going on for you guys? And the other version is going to the husband saying something similar. Like I noticed Tammy puts you down a lot in front of us.

16:16Are you okay? Do you want to talk? Even if they don't want to talk, you can tell them that it makes you uncomfortable and make the request that they don't do it in front of you. I think that's all really good advice, Mariel. Plus one, no changes. No comment. Andy has comment. I don't have a comment. I just, you know, I think other people's marriages are such tricky territory. Yeah. This is true. Your very best friend in the world, maybe. Maybe you can say something very gently one time. And I think you should still prepare for it to backfire, you know. because if you're wrong, because if you caught them at the wrong time, you know, because if you're just seeing that sliver, you know, like you said, Mariel, like you have no idea what's happening the rest of their life.

17:07Actually, Andy, you had this dear life kit once. And I don't remember the exact context. So maybe you can try to remember, maybe this will jog your memory, but it was something about how like just support your friend, you know, you don't have to like try to fix what's going on between the friend and the spouse. Just ask the friend, like, how are you doing? Are you okay? How have you been? Like, let me take you out. That's what it was. It was like, mind your business. Yeah, but also like support the friend who's hurting. It's like, you can be right, but your friend's never going to thank you for that.

17:37You know, like what good will come from that, like of you pointing that out, right? Like they need to, it needs to come from them. It needs to come from their own heart, basically. And all you can do is be ready to help them, help them through it. But saying they're awful doesn't help in the situation if they're still in the relationship. If they're like energy vampires too, and you're not feeling refreshed hanging out with them, then also it's totally okay for you to put a little distance between yourselves. Pull back. Right. Okay. Before we go, Malika, let's share a comment that we got in response to our last episode of Dear Life Kit.

18:18And this comes from a listener on Spotify. Yes, this was someone who was reacting to the question in our last episode where someone was dealing with extra responsibilities at work. Basically, they were picking up a lot of slack because a colleague was out. One of our Spotify listeners had this suggestion. Say to your boss, here are the things I am working on. Which of these things should I hold off on so I can take on this other responsibility? If the answer is do it all, then the conversation should become about additional pay or title. Dang. I love that. It's one of those like – Expert level.

18:53Yeah. Yes. If this, then that. Tool for the toolbox, yeah. Mm-hmm. Love that. All right. Once again, if you have a question for Life Kit, send it to us. We want to hear your questions about money, about health care, about staying organized, about messy breakups or annoying friends, whatever you got. But email us your question or record yourself asking it and send the file to lifekit at npr.org. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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