Bert Kreischer: Living in the Weeds (Re-Release)

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1:20Rob Lowe:Hey, everybody. Welcome to Literally. It is your humble host, Rob Lowe. So in 1997, Rolling Stone does an article about the biggest party school in the world and picks one guy in particular as the biggest partier at the partiest school in the world. And that launches Bert Kreischer. From those humble beginnings, this guy has accomplished so much in comedy, but is literally playing the Greek theater in Los Angeles and baseball stadiums and arenas. And if that isn't the magic of show business, I don't know what else is. Let's get into it with Bert Kreischer.

2:11I never thought in a million years that I'd be talking to you.

2:14Rob Lowe:Do you remember the first time you told the machine story? Was it one of those things where you're like drinking beers with the dudes and you're like told the story and everybody laughed and you went, hey, maybe there's something there. No, no. So this will get into the weeds. But so when I went to Russia. No, weeds are what we live in the weeds. We live in literally in the weeds. This is where we live. um when i when i was in russia i then backpacked through europe and uh and my girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend while i was there so when i came home that was my reality i didn't tell anyone the machine story i kind of it was like i didn't tell any stories about how was your trip because i was like i was literally the town cuck so everyone knew they'd been hooking up all summer and everyone knew it and so that was what i talked about that's all i ever talked about was getting cheated on i was doing love line with dr drew random and uh someone from my class called in and said why don't you tell drew about the time you robbed your class in russia and i went oh yeah yeah yeah and drew's like what wait what and i said when i was 22 i got involved with the russian mafia he's like what and i told the story for the very first time on love line like the very first time ever i was and then he made me come back the next night and tell it again he was like tell it again and the next night it got better it was better because that's how a story works is you you start to you remember things a little better you you know that you can lead in with certain things and then i told it two more times one on elliot in the morning one on my buddy cow head show and then on rogan and i knew i could tell it but it was like i didn't know if it was gonna be i i just it was like a story i'd tell friends um but after i told on rogan then joe was like you need to tell this on stage and i was like oh it's not a stage story and he was like no no and he said on his show which was at the time becoming wildly popular i don't think any of us knew it but he's like from now on this man is only to be known as a machine and you need to yell out the machine when he's on stage and force him to tell this story and that weekend i was in columbus ohio and they were yelling the machine through my whole show and i was like guys i'm not telling it And this dude in the front row goes, Bert, you have to tell it.

4:28This is your story. Don't worry. We'll fake laugh, but you have to tell it so it'll get good. And so I told that story for about, honestly, probably a year before it got remotely good and four years before it got like, like real good. And then, and then, uh, and then, cause I didn't have an ending to the story. The story didn't have an end that cause I thought the end was tonight you party with us. I thought that way and it just didn't ever delivered the pop that I wanted it to and then one night in Columbus Ohio random I was back in Columbus Ohio and I was telling the story and there was one part where he spits vodka in her eyes and shuts the door and I was like you know he should say something there and they had this thing they would say all the time all the time was this is Russia this isn't America this is Russia and he was like fuck that bitch this is russia and then i was like oh i have an end of the story i have an end of the story the cop the cop when he goes tonight you party with us i just go i'm not in trouble and he leans in close so i could smell his morning cigarette and he goes no fuck that bitch this is russia like and i was like and then the story had an end they clapped and it was good and i was like now i can and then i recorded it for my showtime special and then and then by the way we want to get really into the weeds did not misread my contract posted that was allowed to post four clips i posted like 35 minutes of this hour special 45 minutes of this hour special on facebook and the machine

5:55Rob Lowe:was one of the clips and i went viral wow so a nice mistake worked out in your favor oh it was it was all i mean i remember the day it was crazy the day it went viral uh i remember my wife was like i think your story's going viral and i was like no i was because i always i always say should i know how to work the internet that and and i looked at it and i was like no that's got to be wrong it says i think the very first time i looked at it said like 700 000 views and i was like no that can't be right i've never gotten that many views and then i refreshed the page and it was at a million and i went hold on hold on hold on and then that night i got in bed with leanna she was like no for real it's going viral and she showed me the video and it was three million and it was just it was like anytime you refreshed it you get another another 500 000 another 700 000 and uh and right now it's i I think on all platforms, it's at 88 million.

6:47Rob Lowe:In the terms of great stories, what else even comes close? Can you think of anybody who has, I mean, everybody goes, have you ever heard Robin Williams talk about golf? That's one people like to talk about. I mean, there are people's bits that are just classic like that. I'm trying to think of what do you have favorites? Ron White's tater salad story is one of my favorite stories ever. Ron White changed the way I did stand up in a lot of ways because my wife's a redneck so we went and saw the Blue Collar Comedy Tour in theaters we saw it in theaters and when he told that story I was like that's the perfect that is the perfect story Jay Larson has an amazing story about getting called into a wrong number there's some really great stories I get to hear a lot of them but Ron White changed the way I did because I heard that story and I was like that was more my natural when I first started in stand up I was more like I talked about going to Disneyland on acid and getting off, getting to a fight, uh, at a school.

7:44And like, I was more of a storyteller when I saw that I said, yeah, I think I should lean into the stories. And I did. But the one thing that changed the most, and this is the weirdest part is I watched Ron perform and I was like, Oh, I hope he tells tater salad. And he didn't. And I remember the feeling as a fan going like, God, it's my favorite story. I wish he would have told it. And I was a comedian too. So I had the opportunity to talk to him. And I said, I was, he, I was like you're hilarious I wish you had told tater salad and he goes I don't tell it anymore I said why not and he goes I don't want to and I was like I was like wow and as a fan I was like that really bums me out like I would definitely pay for like 20 tickets so that my family could hear that story because I'd love to show that story to my family it's one of the best stories ever and then as a comic I went when I went to retire the machine story people said to me in the audience uh that's the only reason we're here I brought 20 people to hear that story and I was like okay so i'll do it for this run and and uh and then i'll retire it but then the venues just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger and then it was clubs and it was rock venues then it was theaters and now it's arenas and so i i keep figuring as long as this this this uh this builds and it gets bigger i'll just keep telling because i don't want to you know i i've had comics tell me to stop telling it like comics like friends going man you should you should retire it and then they go and they do like uh a baseball we do baseball baseball parks over the summer there's a tour called fully loaded and one of my and the best comics in the country do it with me and uh every single one of them go the pop when you say when i was 22 years old i got involved with the rest mafia like dude you can't stop telling my story you just got to keep telling it until and i'll tell it until the day i die i'll be shirtless at 75 take just going when i was trying

9:30Rob Lowe:me too it's the same for bands yeah like i'm sure they get tired they think about retiring the hit the big hit you know what i mean and you see bands like that where you're like i'm just making this up because i've never seen them but like led zeppelin they're not gonna play stairway to heaven i saw steely dan i saw steely dan in at the hollywood bowl by the way huge steely dan fan played same huge huge huge yeah huge me too man he played like four songs you knew and the rest were all stuff new stuff and i was like no and i was like i was like okay and then i don't know i know you're sober but like sometimes when you get high you're like come on man just just take me there like get me there like i want to i want to feel that moment where i look up to the sky and I go this is everything that everyone ever promised me and everyone's singing and he didn't he didn't and that was what's adversely we went and saw Jimmy Buffett the night after I did Red Rocks Jimmy Buffett was at Red Rocks and my wife is not a Jimmy Buffett fan I'm a big Jimmy Buffett fan I grew up in Florida and my wife said uh do you think he'll play Margaritaville and I went oh you've never been to a Jimmy Buffett concert I go baby he's playing it twice jimmy knows what's yeah and and that's i had a conversation with chris porter a fantastic comedian a fantastic mean we were getting high in a bathroom in omaha in his hotel room and he's like so you still tell the machine store i said chris man you'd be shocked how many people don't know who we are like you'd be shocked how many strangers show up in these clubs and i go the next tomorrow night do me a favor say i'm in the back of the room and that i'm i've asked you to tell two of your best your taco bell bit and this bit and he was like okay and he did it and he was like oh man i it murdered it destroyed and he was doing it during the track the check spot but yeah it's like if you go see a band i want to see the hits you know and but now now granted that like someone like bill burr rogan or jim jeffries or like some of my best friends segura um i always i want to see what they're working on you know because i like to see where their brain is and what they're working on but you know if you take me to see ron white i want to see tater salad you know yeah by the way have you as a steely dan fan have you seen the the making of asia that documentary yet oh i'm about to change your life for real yeah so you find it on youtube oh my god they they must have done it it feels like they did it in the mid 90s but it's fagan and becker together and it's a series of making albums so there's the making of rumors there's the making of asia there's the making of i don't know whatever oh my god yeah i see it do you see it yeah i got a part one part two part three part four part five part six it is first of all there's this great moment where my favorite moment is they're they're listening to Black Cow.

12:29Rob Lowe:Oh, my God. And he's like, and it's like, and the corner of my, I saw you at Rubies. You were very high. You were high. And Fane's going, you were high. You were very high. Like he's commenting along with it and being so funny. Yeah. And then they did this whole bit with Michael McDonald where they isolate on Peg. They isolate his vocals. and it's so insane i love that you're doing this because this is something i hang my hat on people you you you don't know how much of a fan i am of yours when good things happen to you i get excited it sounds crazy when you're on rogan i got excited because i've been a rob fan since day one since i'm no way i saw fucking young bloods like i like i was come on dude i i to this day you're not going to remember this moment in your life to this day when i get the girls and we go to school back in the day the my phrase was the same phrase you said after you got in the fight inst elmo's fire and you grabbed the sacks and you looked in your blood off your lip and you look at the group you go let's rock i love i say that to the i say that to the girls all the time let's rock i love it it's just such a great and so i'm a fan so when like when you did you did what was the show you did with Fred Savage oh the grinder my buddy Jared wrote that that was his show but when I saw you on it and I watched you kill it or when I saw you in Tommy Boy like as a fan I feel like I won because my guy is doing great things and so I apply that to my career and the way I look at things I love being a fan of shit I love being into shit like like Jeff Tweedy I'm a big fan of Wilco and uh nikki glazer goes says to me have you ever have you ever heard his living room albums and i'm like what she goes oh oh back in the day for 25 grand his wife had him do living room shows and she'd donate the money to charity and it's all acoustic and it's him messing up and him like starting a song and then forgetting the lyric but it's it's just recorded in living rooms and i the second you show a fan something cool it's the funnest thing it's you know it's the thing i have against bullying my daughter isla is was into anime and she shared that with her friends and they made fun of her and you watched her get small and you go oh that's that's yeah oh it broke my heart because when you share stuff like when you share like hey i'm a big fan of this i hope you like it when you share that you're really sharing who you are with people and and it's and when you connect with someone when you're a fan of someone together like we both like steely dan that energy back and forth is the coolest thing ever and you allow people to do that you give that off but that's the coolest thing about entertainment business is is being able to share that with people like whether it's movies or music or comedy but also it happens to us like i got kids that are i had one kid tell me one time i don't i don't follow sports i've never been to sports comedy is my thing and podcasts and you're my guy and every time you succeed i feel like i picked the right guy and i was like and it made it makes total sense and i feel that way about you it's really cool like i got really excited when you did rogue and i was really fucking excited because i was like yes i'm like for many reasons i'm like i'm obviously i'm really good at crimes with joe but i'm like i'm like oh this is fucking awesome i was like in my head i'm like roblo gets it like he gets it like he's doing like he gets it like oh

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19:05I mean, you're, I literally, I was talking to my wife and, uh, I was talking to her this morning and she goes, she goes, Rob fucking low. I go, yeah. And she goes, if anyone can get you to be sober, it's him.

19:17Rob Lowe:I was going to say, well, I was going to throw down the gauntlet to say, you have this entire podcast to, to convince me to give up my soul. No, no, no, no. This is your time. You have the floor. I'm open. I'm open to everything. It's one day at a time. This might be the day. This might be the day. Today might be the day. You might be the guy. Me, you, and Ben Affleck. Oh, Ben. Ben, Ben, Ben. It stinks because the idea of like, uh, of like when, when, you know, celebrity parties and then they get their shit together and then they're just killing it. But I always go, the idea of them partying is way sexier than the way they actually partied.

20:06Like, like I always think like, oh, it'd be fun to fall off the wagon. Have, have like, have a moment. I've seen dudes fall off the wagon that, that really had problems and it never is as sexy as you want it to be.

20:19Rob Lowe:no i mean look it's all everybody wants to think about how it'd be so hot to be in the south of france and in the 60s and the stones and they're recording in a chateau and you're tying off with keith and and you know but then you don't want to think about you know he's shitting the bed in the morning yeah do you know what i mean he's got blood coming out of his no yeah like you don't You don't ever think of that stuff. Do you ever miss having a drink?

20:53Rob Lowe:No. I think for the first, maybe the first year, year and a half, I did from time to time. And then wine culture started. Oh, yeah. Two things. I've missed a lot. I've missed a lot. And I'm a little, I missed fancy Cuervo. cuervo by the way i i why do you think i only drank cuervo gold i bet you you can do the math yeah yeah that's why yeah oh really that's why cuervo gold was because that steely dan told me to do it you know the uh that that lyric um and what is it uh the cuervo gold the fine colombian yeah make tonight a wonderful thing never was a pot guy oh never was a pot guy i i was never a pot guy um but as i've gotten older like uh i'll take like edibles at the end of the day to like go to sleep oh that's the other thing edibles i mean you know i might get the old the uh the odd pot brownie made by emilio estevas um who was really i mean he was like fucking julia child's with his pot really and and and and i and then i could kind of enjoy it a little bit but i'm i'm feeling like if it had come in a gummy bear oh i might have had a whole other whole other you know vibe going for me we i've i found these really great edibles that are uh there's they got cbd in them and they're very chill and they and they're they let you sleep my recovery on my whoop was like in the 90s and so and and i was and i had the perfect mix i had uh um blanco tequila and a gummy and i was i was like the only problem is i was eating like crazy every time i ate i was like this is the best i've ever had in my life yeah the eating thing that's leading man has to watch that i have i have i have a i have a um i have a viral clip about me saying i'll never quit drinking and uh it i it just was i didn't even mean for it i just was it was like my love letter to alcohol and yeah but for me my thing really is treats like i'm really obsessed with treats like i need a reward in order to work because i work pretty i work pretty hard but if i don't have a treat coming to the end of the day i almost don't have anything to look forward to and i get bummed yeah me me too i just replaced it i i've now it's a cigar or uh so i'm a big cigar guy what do you smoke uh i just had a um a mini churchill um it was i'm trying to think of who made it i think it was romeo and julietta mini church i'm a big tatuaje guy i love tatuaje uh the cojones they have is one of my favorite smokes i got a bunch of rocky patels given to me by an arena um every year i do i celebrate winston churchill day i uh by living the way he lived so i get up at seven in the morning and i have a soft scotch with eggs bacon ham a tomato i eat it in my bed soft scotch and a cigar in bed and i read the paper and take meetings for about three hours uh and then i have champagne at lunch and uh and then cognac at night and i just lived the way he lived and it's really fun it's january 24th i do it every year this year i did it in amsterdam i was in amsterdam at the grand hotel and they came in i had a butler and he came in and he served me breakfast in bed and uh it was it's fucking awesome okay here's what you have to figure out a way to do you have to be playing somewhere near london and you need to go to blenheim palace that's where churchill was born really and blenheim palace is is you if you go there you'll recognize it it's been in a ton of movies it's the most it's sort of considered the most beautiful um palace in in the world and it's still in the same family and i've been there a number of times for um um bird shoots and uh you can see where churchill like literally like the room he was born in and do all that if you could figure out a way to celebrate churchill day at blenheim palace Yeah, that would be great.

25:08That would be super sick. That would be awesome. That would be, I like eventizing life. I like having things to look forward to. Like I love, I'm sure that there's a therapist that could probably break down, very easily whittle down what my problem is. But I love like, I love like when you go, oh, we're all going to Hawaii at the end of the month. And then you get this thing that you're looking forward to and you can talk about it. I love that about everything.

25:33Rob Lowe:and so uh and so like i i because you work you work hard and you travel hard i mean i i get it it's and being there's nothing more brutal than being on the road it's it's it's you know there's been a thousand songs written about it and you know then you're out on the stage for that moment in time and it's it's great i i started doing my own show about four or five four or five years ago i would love to do a q a with you that would be fun oh let's done yeah done all right my team needs to make a note of this. We're going to do a Q &A. Great. You guys listening in there? You're paying attention, right?

26:09Rob Lowe:I'm in the professional studio today, so I can actually see them while I talk to you. But it looks like they're playing Tetris or Nintendo or something. It doesn't look like they're paying a ton of attention, but they say they are. Has Charlie Sheen tried to sue you over a copyright infringement on calling yourself the machine? No, he is not. Well, he should. Because he was the machine. Was he? he was the machine yeah machine oh yeah he was over that was machine that was his thing really and i was like how is charlie not reached out and gone dude dude come on there was uh there was well there's a bunch of machines albert pool host is the machine uh oh yeah the box the boxer uh who was the boxer my wife is my one the one guy my wife is she's in love with well she's in love with the weirdest people uh the boxer was the machine he was uh he was like 49 years old when he won the title he had been to prison bernard hopkins bernard hopkins was the machine he's copywritten it he has the copyright to it and then uh yeah my wife's two cheats are bernard hopkins and dwight yokum dwight yokum with with or without hat uh either or she doesn't care.

27:25She thinks he's gorgeous. She thinks he's the coolest guy. He,

27:30Rob Lowe:his performance in sling blade is one of my favorite performances an actor has ever given. If you haven't seen sling before, I just assume everybody's seen sling blade because Billy Bob Thornton won the Oscar for it. And it's one of the great performances of old time. But Yoakam's work in that is beyond amazing. Yeah. I was going to, I was trying to get him to play at our house for her 52nd birthday. for her birthday. She celebrated her 50th during COVID. So I was going to blow up, but his price point was, uh, pretty hefty. Too much. Oh, like, it's so funny. I had the same with when I, I had the same trying to figure out some for my wife's birthday.

28:11Rob Lowe:And I was like, people charge a lot of money. I'm glad. Good. They should. But you're like, you start going down that list and then you realize why you see the same people at every charity thing. Cause they're like the ones that are, affordable i i wouldn't even do it i i wouldn't do it i would like to if i was going to do anything i'd like to uh attend dudes bachelor parties like that would be fun like like you can hire me to come to your bachelor party and i can just i'll just be there and just hang out with you guys and party with you guys and make it fun that's a good one i bet you could see a lot of stuff uh yeah i went to mark norman is a comedian very funny i went to his bachelor party and i and i was the only one that was like really rich and so i was like fuck it let's get let's get a boat let's go two boats we're gonna go fishing we're going to strip clubs we're getting car we're getting a car service we're gonna get like i just was like throw money at it so we had a blast throwing money at it is usually a good thing to do i you know particularly when it comes to you get what you pay for oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you know you know these days with coke they give you a um i didn't do coke my cardiologist would kill me but we did get coke at his bachelor party and uh they give you a tester for uh fentanyl no yeah well it makes sense yeah i was like see that's the part that's the part i that's the part i don't miss obviously is like that you you know you just don't know what you're what you're getting today i mean you know i listen i I hit it at the right time.

29:44When I was running wild, that's the other part is I don't regret it

29:49Rob Lowe:because I feel like I left nothing on the table. You did it. I left it all out. Your partying is like how I feel about college. When I left college, I was like, seven years, I'm good. I did it. I did everything I wanted to do. Rolling Stone magazine wrote an article about me calling the number one party animal in the country. I'm ready for the next phase of my life. There's no reason for you to go back. You've had fame for so long, but your first splash of it was the funnest time to be in Hollywood. That was the funnest time to have ever existed in Hollywood. I feel bad for kids getting famous now because they have to talk politics.

30:28They have to talk woke talking points. They got to be careful what they say. They have social media. They've got to represent themselves on social media. like you just got to run it at like at the best fucking time

30:44Rob Lowe:yeah i agree i've i've thought about it a lot going well i mean would i would it have been better to be i don't know cary grant and those days no would it have been better to be rudolph valentine no would it be better to be uh you know leo now no it's that was it that little like that late 70s into the 90s was the time the 80s basically was the 80s because you guys there was a little bit of responsibility like back in the day they could have killed a woman and like and gotten away with it like back in the 20s but you your group is like the funnest and it was like oh it was the fucking best i'm so glad you like those movies i i love that they still have a life you know they and a movie like tommy boy which which was not looked upon when we made it as anything really um is is the one out of all of them that is that that has become um like a just occupies a place in people's hearts that i never ever would have guessed did you feel did you feel like when you were younger that you were underrepresented in your talents because you were sold to america as as literally a heartthrob but you your comedic sensibility is so strong i wonder like i was i always wonder that did you think when you were doing all these movies where it was like uh rob we just need to throw a little water on you and and let's see your chest and can you flip your hair back and and were you like hey i'm really fucking funny too by the way i i mean you know and that's why i've always been so grateful to it was really lauren michaels and Mike Myers, who really acknowledged that when I hosted SNL the first time and that's where all those movies came from.

32:38Rob Lowe:And I was so relieved and so happy because that's what I love. Like we were talking about The Grinder. That's the most fun I've ever had on a TV show. And I've been on a bunch of them and I've got a new one. I got a new one on Netflix you're going to love called Unstable. Ted Sarandos, I'm going to do a name drop, who runs Netflix and knows every piece of film ever recorded by anybody. I mean it. He's encyclopedic in his knowledge. So he's seen everything anybody's done, which means he's seen everything I've done. And he's like, it's the funniest comedy part you've ever had. And I'm like, ever?

33:14Rob Lowe:He goes, yes. And it may be because I co-created it with my son. It's my son and I, basically. Yeah. And you're really going to like it because it's me back to doing just, hard comedy, hard, like a super hard comedy character. Um, but I love it. I love that. And I love that it came, you know, in the mid part of my career. Cause it gave me a whole, you know, new, um, a new area to be excited about. How cool you haven't even gotten to play an old man yet. You still have like all those years when you're in your seventies to play old men. Like how cool is it? You got to play all the actors. Yes, that's, that's exactly it.

33:55Rob Lowe:It's like you do your, I don't know, who would have been my young ingenue phase, and then you get to do your leading man phase, and then you get to do your old. Because those old man parts, they're amazing. On Golden Pond. I think of On Golden Pond all the time. That movie was so big. It was like the one movie we owned on or didn't return on VHS, so we always had it. So I could watch On Golden Pond over and over and over again.

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35:47Rob Lowe:You know, Jane Fonda made me an honorary Fonda. Really? I am both an honorary Fonda from Jane and Peter. Wow. So it wasn't just, I mean, Jane and Peter said you are here. They didn't knight me. I don't have a thing on my lapel or anything or a medal. But I am an honorary Fonda and an honorary Baldwin. Oh, wow. That would have been a fun family to grow up in. Yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine? I can. But you can kind of see it, right? You can kind of see where I could be like the long lost Baldwin or the long lost Fonda. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The one that when Billy brings his chick home for Thanksgiving, sits down and she sees you and she goes, oh, I didn't know this guy was a Baldwin too.

36:34Shit.