Chelsea Handler: International Boyfriend

0:00The only way anything happens, good, is one day at a time, I think.

0:15Hey, everybody. Welcome to Literally. I'm very excited today to have Chelsea Handler making her return to the podcast after years of avoiding us, frankly. I'm just going to say it out loud. I mean, I never know what I'm going to get with her. This could be the beginning of something great, or it could be the end. And it is the beginning of a new concept, a crossover concept. So the first half of this interview is here on Literally. But then you got to go to Chelsea's podcast, Dear Chelsea, to get the other finishing part of the podcast. So here is part one. Chelsea Handler on Literally.

1:08Handler, first of all, I always got to know where you are. Are you up in Whistler? I am. I am in Whistler. Yes. Good eye, Rob. Okay. So tell me, how was the ski season? Is it still going on? Let's get to the important stuff first. Absolutely. First of all, the ski season was great. I was working so much this year that I didn't even really get to enjoy it. I missed all the powder days. I got three powder days in early January. But then, you know, everything, I just had to keep going back and forth. And I only got 25 days of skiing in this year. And that's not terrible. But, you know, it's not my dream.

1:45My dream is to get 50 days a year. But my body is starting to react to skiing in a way that is saying, no, thank you. And I have to figure out what kind of exosomes or drugs I can take to continue to perform on the slopes in the manner in which I have. I 100 % agree with you. I didn't get any ski days this year. I just didn't. Rob Lowe. And Rob, listen, I have heard you talk a lot about skiing. I've heard you, I've heard, I've met people here in Whistler who have skied with you. One person who said that you spent a lot more time taking pictures of yourself on the slopes than actually skiing. But with the caveat that you are a decent skier.

2:27I would direct everybody to my TikTok right now. Go to my TikTok or my Instagram. And I have a couple of great Whistler Powder Day videos that are just, I don't know about you, but I like to ski with a videographer if there's great skiing just because you just, it's such great. I go back and look at it like on a year like today where I didn't get this year where I didn't get to ski. I can go, oh yeah, that was a great one. It gives you a good memory. Well, you know, every year on my birthday, I ski in my bathing suit and then I film that. So I have that always to reference. So this year, I had to ski in my bathing suit three times this year.

3:05I did it for my 50th with a group of girls. We rented a mountain in Idaho. And then I did it for this ad I did with Gold Bond because they wanted to do like beat the Guinness Book of World Records with as many people skiing down the mountain as possible. Wow. And then the third time, my girlfriend's 50th birthday, she's like, okay, we all have to get in bathing suits. I'm like, that's my idea, bitch. Yeah. And anyway, I did it again. And I was like, okay, enough with the bathing suit skiing. You know, you really kind of have to prepare for that. Yeah, well, I was going to say, by the way, I think I can never get too much Chelsea bathing suit content.

3:38So I, as an audience member, I say, keep it going. Now, as a practical person, someone who is himself now on the cover of AARP, and I wish it were a bit. I really do, but it's sadly - But it's not a bit, is it, Rob? No, it isn't. It's not a bit. Let's talk about aging. Let's talk about how you feel about aging. For sure. So let me ask you this. Because you look exactly the same. So obviously things are going great for you. I mean, possibly you're bald underneath that baseball cap, but I doubt it. I can't imagine you being bald. But even if you were bald, you'd still be good looking. Let's do a reveal.

4:12I see your fake tail coming out of the back. There's just a lot of, look, it's like, it's. How old are you, Rob? It's a mop. Look at that mop. I've got a mop growing. So that's why I got to put the hat on. There's no way anyone your age looks like you. How old are you now? 62. Oh, my God. That's how old Ralph Fiennes is. Did you see pictures of him recently online? Ralph is 50, 62? He's 62, and he had to get his body together for that movie, The Odyssey. And so all of these pictures of him have been going viral. He looks amazing. And he's shredded and ripped. He looks amazing. I want a part so badly where I can just avail myself of the team that goes, wake up now, eat this, get on this treadmill, lift this weight, eat here again, get this massage, do this stretching, take this injection.

5:06What's in it? Just take it. Testosterone, basically. Yeah, we all need testosterone. I'm sure, I mean, my doctor told me that I had no testosterone like five years ago. And I was like, well, what is it for? And he said, it's to protect your muscle mass and to give you a sex drive. And then he said, and the side effects is that your hair can thin. I'm like, well, what do you want me to be, bald and horny? Like, no thanks. I'd rather not have testosterone. I already have a huge attitude. I have done it. I've done testosterone. My wife hates it. Hates it. Yeah, yeah. It's not as good for women. Men, I understand.

5:42It's good for men, but not for women. But my wife doesn't like it. Cheryl hates it because she thinks it makes me grumpy, which it does. Oh, or aggressive. Does she think it makes you aggressive or grumpy? Short-tempered is the word. Okay. And I definitely, it's, they should add hair loss, road rage. should be an actual stated. Yeah, but you're not losing your hair. Your hair is as thick as ever. It looks like you're wearing a Merkin. It's a hedgehog. It's a full-on hedgehog. But like, I remember I was turning 30 and I hadn't been on a magazine cover in forever. And I got the West Wing and the West Wing was having a moment.

6:28And so I got on this People magazine cover and I was so excited. And I looked at the cover and I said, wait one fucking second here. What is, hang on. And I thought I might be receding a little bit. And I immediately, I took it with the seriousness of a nuclear threat. America's heartthrob starts to lose his hair and then what? No one wants it. No one wants that, you're right. No one wants it. I don't want it, no one wants it. And so I went to the best doctor in LA and he was like, I walked in and he was bald. and I was like, fuck. But I listened to him anyway and, you know, we have science. We have medicine.

7:09We have pills that can help. We have minoxidil. Shit works. That stuff works. That's for anybody, you guys. Minoxidil, let's do a PSA for people. Minoxidil is a great prescription medication that makes your hair grow. I take it, I think, I mean, every gay man I know takes it. That's how I found out about it from all my gay hairdressers. Yeah. I mean, there's no excuse. That's why it always like, I guess the cultural thing is like, I like, I remember watching. Oh, I don't know. There's no excuse to become bald. Yes. That's what I was about to say. Well, some people are just kind of born bald. Like they don't have a long shelf life for their hair anyway.

7:48Like, you know, that Senator Mark Kelly, he hasn't had hair ever since I've known him. That's right. Since he's been on the public scene. So I think some people, when they go bald, there's no coming back. You have to, like, nip it in the butt as soon as you start losing your hair. That's right. And then the other thing is, commit to that because that's a great look. Bald is great. I got no issue with it. It's, I mean. Oh, I think you have an issue with it, Rob. I definitely think you have an issue with going bald. No, no, no. But I would, okay, do you remember in the day, back in the 80s, there was a Star Trek movie and it was revolutionary because they had a hot, beautiful character woman in it who was bald.

8:25I'll never forget her name. Persis Kambada. look that one up for a deep cut. I look like her if I look bald. I look like a bald woman. A bald woman. Well, yeah, you do have some feminine features, which is why you're so handsome. It's why you're so appealing, I guess. Maybe handsome doesn't go with the feminine features, but there are handsome women out there, Rob. Yeah, well, and she was one of them. And I'm like, I've had to wear, you know, skull cap, bald caps for parts and stuff. And I literally like, yeah, I'm like Brooke Shields without Propecia. Yeah, you came up with Brooke Shields, right?

9:01Totally. Yeah, she's probably 60. You guys are kind of the same age, same ilk. Yep. Listen, Cruz is my age. Look, it's a cliche to say, I mean, you look amazing. You'd out-ski the average 25-year-old person, for sure. Yeah. 100 % you would. Isn't it funny when you go skiing with people who say, oh, I can ski or like people go, oh, can I come up and visit you in Whistler? I'm like, can you ski? And they'll be like, yeah. And I'm like, where have you skied? And one, I had one boyfriend, Joe Coy, who was like, I know how to ski. I skied in Vegas. And I, I said, Joe, that's not real. Is that an indoor ski resort?

9:43And he said, yes. And I'm like, that's not skiing. Indoor skiing is not skiing. But so many people think they can ski and they can't fucking ski. So it's like, if you, you have to be honest about your level, just because you went skiing three times when you were a kid, doesn't mean we're on the same level. And then I have to put you with a ski instructor. That's$1 ,500 a day. You know, it adds up. And the other thing is, how about when you realize that and you've taken them up to the top and you're up there and you're like, babysit them all the way down. Yeah. That's It's annoying too. The way I learned to ski was my dad would literally take my brother and I up to the top of Snowbird.

10:24Oh, yeah, that's hard. We'd take the tram up and then it'd be howling wind and super scary. And we were so little, the wind would literally blow us on our skis. And you can't see this cat track and it's like... Yeah, yeah. I've skied Snowbird and Alta and they're both fucking scary as shit. And I'm a good skier. Whenever there's only four lifts, I'm like, I don't think so. That means you're going up to four places and there's no other way to get down. I like mid-mountain lifts. Mid-mountain, yep. I like to avoid lunch. Oh, you do? Big lunch avoider. Oh, really? I see. I have to stop because you're sober.

11:05I need a margarita juice boost at around 1130 noon every day when I ski. Because first I get up. I'm usually skiing around nine. then I ski for a couple hours. I want to stop for a couple snacks and a margarita, possibly two. Then I go back out and then I'm more fearless for the next set of the afternoon skiing, which is usually where I step it up. And then I'm like, okay, okay. And so, but I know you're sober, so you can't even enjoy those things. I'm winding it down. My thing is now to hit it hard and then start winding it down. I don't want to do the last run, hoorah, Achilles snap. It's like, I'm going to warm up in the morning and I'm going to hammer it.

11:44And then when everybody's out and had their margaritas, thank you very much. And oh, sorry, I didn't see you. No, no, I'm not like that. My margarita makes me more focused, not less focused. Oh, OK. Yeah. What about schnapps or like a is there such a thing called a boda bag or am I misremembering this when I was a boda bag? Yeah. What's that? It's like a like a like kind of like animal skin canteen. Oh, yeah. But I don't want I like the I like I'm like I like going in and chilling at a nice restaurant. I don't want to go to the cafeteria. I don't want to have fucking gummy bears. I want serious food.

12:25I want some prosciutto and like mozzarella and possibly some like grilled prawns. And then I go back out. I need really fine dining when I go skiing. I don't like any of that shit. So Mammoth is off your list. Mammoth is off my list. But I heard about Mammoth. This is a special ski episode for anyone listening. This is, right? People are tuning off in droves. I know. People are like, who fucking gives a shit? Mammoth is good because it was just bought by a developer. So they're going to actually make it so that there's a center of town and make it a resort. Because you know Mammoth is a little bit random.

12:58There's nowhere. It doesn't feel like a resort. It just feels like, eh. It's a great mountain. It's too windy. It's a great, great, great mountain. And literally, if you don't want to eat only, you know, French fries, hot dogs, and chicken fingers, you're fucked. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I do want those things, but I can't really have those anymore. You know what I mean? I'm not 25 years old. All right. Back to aging. You're right. By the way, yes, we're talking about skiing, but we're using skiing as an entry point. Okay. As an entry point to talk about how we are navigating getting, I don't even want to say getting older, embracing our current chronological state.

13:42How about that? Yeah. Was that a question? No, it's a statement. Let me ask you this. Are you meditating at all? Are you doing yoga? Are you doing any of these? Yeah, I meditate. I haven't done yoga, but I'll probably have to start doing yoga just because my body needs something different from weights all the time. I have to do the weights because, you know, we have to like hold on to our muscle. But I need to start doing Pilates or yoga, something that involves a lot more stretching because my body's just really, I'm traveling so much. I mean, do you travel as much as I do? Are you flying around all the time?

14:19Not as much. There are times when I do, but never as much as somebody like you would do who goes out on the road. How do you handle going out on the road? Do you go, I'll do X amount of dates, but then I need to be off. And then, yeah. And like, are there certain cities where you're like, oh my God, that's two flights to get there. No, thank you. Well, I don't, I try not to do that. If it's a two flight city, it's kind of off my routing. I don't do that anymore. But if it's like, I'm about to go on a European tour where I start off in Reykjavik and I end in Lisbon. Wow. And I'm also looking for obviously an international husband so I could get the fuck out of this country.

14:52but I am, that's going to be 16 cities in like 22 days. So I'm going to either probably not, I'm probably not going to drink because I can't, you know. You're going to Europe and you're not, you're the one person who's going to Europe and not drinking. Yeah, you're right. That's the lie. I'm going to drink. That's a bad plan. Okay. But I'll probably have to keep it to a dull roar because it's going to be so much traveling and it's going to be so much wear and tear on my body. The one thing that I do subscribe to that I think, well, I subscribe to everything. I take as many supplements, peptides.

15:26I mean, all of those things keep me very energized and like youthful. So I take tons of peptides and I'll be traveling with those. Those are for, you know, muscle recovery, stamina, not to get sick, thimosalfin, all of these things. And then I don't know, I'm going to have to figure something out. I mean, I've been pretty tough my whole life. Like I've been able to handle a ridiculous amount of work in a ridiculous amount of time and more so than many other people I know. But I mean, it's definitely catching up to me. I got food poisoning the day before yesterday. And I haven't had that in years.

16:02I haven't had it. I had a bad sushi meal and I thought I was going to die. And I knew, I'm like, oh, you're 50 now. This isn't like you're 25 and you can just roll it off. Like I had to get an IV last night with a liter. I had to, and my kidneys felt like two slings, somebody had taken two slingshots and just, you know, aimed them right at my two kidneys. And I was like, oh, I might die tonight. And I was like, oh God, you know, if I did die, thank God it's now, you know, thank God it's now. So I don't have to see the end of this administration. But I was, I recouped. I mean, I'm up, I'm walking around.

16:38I'm going to get on a plane later this afternoon to come back to LA. So it was just a nice wake up call to say, be gentle to your body, be careful with your body. You can't continue living like you did when you were in your thirties. Now that you're 50, you have to respect your body.

17:08I, you said something in your answer that I don't want to let pass, which is international international husband. Yeah. Is there a particular country? Is there a je ne sais quoi you're looking for? I mean, I love sexy Spaniard, sexy Spaniard, frivolous French. I love British men. I mean, I love British men. That's always been my thing. I love I mean, not always been my thing. It's one of my things because obviously, you know, I have a lot of things. Yeah. But I love British men. What do you love about them? I just like their sense of humor. They're biting. They're sarcastic. I like that. I can relate to that.

17:48They're bright. They're well-educated. But there is an advantage to having a language barrier with somebody from a different country. Like perhaps Lisbon, Portuguese men are never large enough for me. They're diminutive. So they're small. And that's not going to work for me. So I have to find either a Frenchman. Where do you draw the line on diminutive? Yeah. I can't have a man that I could hurt in a fight. You know what I mean? I need somebody physically superior. You and I right now are in a 7-Eleven, and we're turning around. By the door is that chart that when the robbers run past, the guy behind the bar can go, oh, he was 5 '5".

18:27Oh, yeah. That's smart. Looking at that 7-Eleven robbery chart. Right. Where do you draw the line on what's romantically appropriate for you? Six feet is romantically appropriate for me. Well, I would be fucked. Why? How tall are you? 5 '11". Oh, really? You seem so much taller. Have you shrunk? Oh, for sure. Probably. I don't want to get... I definitely... That's the one measurement I definitely don't want to do because when the shrinkage... Men don't like shrinkage. Which shrinkage are we talking about? Oh, okay. We don't want... I don't want any of it. Well, imagine if they were measuring your penis size and your height when you were running out of a 7 '11 after you robbed them.

19:08That would be really actually easy to find the person. I would be like those guys who are like on Broadway where they have to be naked in front of people and they're just fluffing for like a half. They get there like an hour before curtain call and just fluff it. Have you ever done Broadway? I have, but my penis hasn't. Oh, well, you know, your penis has. It just did. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I always have to remind you of this stuff, Rob. I know. I'm limited. You know, I interviewed you. I asked you, I invited you and Cheryl to come to my show at the Santa Barbara Bowl like two years ago.

19:40but you guys were out of town somewhere. I know. Isn't it great, that place? You must have killed, I'm sure you killed it there, but that is the best venue ever. One of the best venues ever. It kind of reminds me of Red Rocks. Have you ever been to Red Rocks? It's such a gorgeous venue. It really is like so special. And Santa Barbara Bowl is one of those venues. I love performing there. Are you, when you get back from the European tour, are you doing an American leg? No, I'm going to go. I'm just trying to take some time off from touring. So what I'm going to do is, to revert back to your earlier question about, So I'll do like these 16 dates.

20:11And then I go to Mallorca. I have a house there. So I go there for a week. I'm promising myself not to invite any friends because usually I say that. And then every once in a while I'll be like, oh, you, you might as well meet me in Mallorca. And then I say it to another person. And then before I know it, I have a house full of people who've never met each other before. Oh, interesting. So I'm going to go to Mallorca for a week. And then it's my sister's 60th birthday. So we're going to Greece for a week. All the girls in my family, like 11 of us. we're going to go to Greece for a week. And then I thought I might as well go to England and go to Glastonbury because I had never been to Glastonbury before.

20:46I have never been. So I'm going to go do that. And then I thought, well, Wimbledon is right after that. So I'm just going to stay in Europe for about two months and hopefully I'll be able to get back into the country after that. And if not, so be it. Glastonbury, do you know who's playing yet? Have they announced the bill? I know Brandi Carlile is playing because she's the one who told me about it. I love her. Yeah. I mean, who doesn't love Brandi Carlisle? She's awesome. But I mean, no, I don't even know the lineup and I don't care because it's just so much fun regardless. So I got my hotel rooms.

21:15I got my transportation. I'm bringing a friend. And yeah, I'm excited to go to Glastonbury. That seems like it's going to be a great party. What if you have found your European potential husband? Would you bring him along or would you sort of keep him within his own borders for a while and do your own thing and kind of? I think long distance is really where I thrive, Rob. I'll be honest. Like, I'm not interested in living with someone or shacking up with someone. I like long distance. I want there to be like a period of time where you really miss them. And then you get to see them for short, like a week or two weeks or a vacation.

21:51And then, you know, and I'm not a 24 hour a day person with somebody. I can't even think about something like that for me. And you're on Raya now? I've always been on Raya. I've always been on riot. Even when I'm dating someone, I'm still on riot. Yeah, you one foot in, one foot out. Always, always. You know, I'm not looking, like when I get with a boyfriend, and this doesn't apply to every boyfriend, but I'm never thinking, oh, this is forever. Like, I always think, oh, this will be a fun period of time in my life. Enjoy it for what it is. Don't put any expectations about the future onto it because I think that's where we can really mess up.

22:28And if you end up like staying with a person for five years, great. But I'm never going into a relationship hoping this is the one. I find that to be a large crock of shit. What is the, yeah, everything's one day at a time. Yeah. The only way anything happens good is one day at a time, I think. Yeah. Well, that means you just have to be present-minded. Do you find yourself someone who's very present-minded? I have to be because it's the only way that my sobriety has worked. It's the only way my marriage has worked. It's the only way any relationships have worked because, you know, inherent in not doing it is taking things for granted.

23:12It's like, oh, I can always do this or they'll always do that. And it's not easy and it requires work, but 100 % being present. And when do you think sobriety like became something that wasn't so effortful? Like when, at what point when someone becomes sober, does it just become, okay, like it's not a struggle anymore that is like painful. It's different for different people, for sure. For me, I was so, as they say, sick and tired of feeling sick and tired that I was so elated to like at least have a roadmap to begin a new journey. And then, you know, you're on what they call the pink cloud where you're just you're like so excited.

24:00I remember I got a T-shirt said 100 % drug free. It was like whenever I was wearing those Wham T-shirts, remember those white T-shirts, the big block letters? Mine was like drug free. Yeah. And I was like super into it. And but, you know, Fourth of July rolls around. I'd like a Corona a lot with lime in it. I'd like I'd like that. New Year's Eve rolls around I'd like to be getting blasted It's 1130 Got a half an hour here I'm at the Dodger game It's hot I'd love to have some Definitely that's Or You're at a Rolling Stones concert This happened to me With nine months of sobriety And Keith Richards' girlfriend goes Keith wants you to come party at the hotel I'm like Are you fucking Where were you Six months ago?

24:52Oh, my God. Yeah, that's hard. That's really hard. Is Cheryl sober? No, total normie. Oh, so yeah. Interesting. Which she's a total normal person, and I love it because I get to watch how actual regular people experience life. Yeah. Where, like, there's like a half of a joint or you don't have to actually finish the whole thing. Like, I have to finish. Totally. I had to finish everything. I had to finish everything. Everything, everything. Oh, and it's still that way with like, you know, somebody, if I'm skiing, I'm like, oh, I'm aching. They go, take two, here, here's two Advil. I'll take, if two's good, then three's for sure better.