In short
Valerie Bertinelli discusses her life and career, focusing on self-worth and recovery. She connects early body-shame to later addiction/recovery themes, and reflects on her relationship with Eddie Van Halen, including how addiction affected both of them. She also shares details about her TV career (One Day at a Time, Parks and Recreation, The Grinder) and her family, plus animal advocacy and therapy.
Guest backgrounds
Valerie Bertinelli is an actress and author, known for One Day at a Time, Hot in Cleveland, and other TV work. She was married to musician Eddie Van Halen; they met backstage at a Van Halen show in Shreveport, Louisiana (1980). She also has a son, Wolfgang “Wolfie” Van Halen, a multi-instrumentalist and musician.
Key claims
She believes she learned “I was unlovable” due to weight-related messages from childhood, and that recovery helped her dismantle the lie. She describes addiction as a “toolbox” for emotional pain (Ed: drugs/alcohol; her: food). She argues therapy is like a mental-health trainer and encourages finding a therapist who “clicks.”
Notable examples
Meeting Eddie via backstage passes during a 1980 actor’s strike; Eddie’s rule against girlfriends/wives on the road; her One Day at a Time audition process with Norman Lear present; her book Enough Already; her “give back their shame” rehab exercise; and her discussion of anger/shame/fear in recovery.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOMemories in Malibu
2:25 to 3:14
Valerie shares stories about her life in Malibu and meeting Rob.
“Wait, you have to be kidding me with that cat.”
Battle of the Network Stars
3:14 to 5:48
Discussion about the iconic show and its significance in TV history.
“And of course, talk about addiction and recovery, which you know I love talking about.”
Auditioning for One Day at a Time
5:48 to 10:33
Valerie discusses her audition process for the show and early career.
“But there would be like, you'd have to do like a, you know, the, the, like the final 16, the NCAA, you'd have to do it like that this week and have to like to work it down because there'd be too many teams.”
Valerie's Television Career
10:33 to 14:00
Exploration of Valerie's successful TV roles and favorite projects.
Rob's Favorite Comedy: The Grinder
14:00 to 15:01
Rob shares his experience working on 'The Grinder' and its unique premise.
“And I think it's the best comedy I've ever been in.”
Remembering Betty White
15:01 to 17:48
Rob reflects on the life and impact of Betty White, sharing personal anecdotes.
“gonna say you have to say yes the west way yes i mean you gotta say it right you gotta say it By the way, how cool.”
Animal Rescue and Kindness
17:48 to 19:38
The discussion shifts to animal rescue and the importance of kindness towards animals.
“There's so many across the country, so many that deserve the help.”
Animal Rescue and Kindness
21:25 to 23:39
The discussion shifts to animal rescue and the importance of kindness towards animals.
“Dads find one version of things they like and they stick with it for decades.”
How Rob Met Edward Van Halen
23:55 to 28:00
Rob recounts the story of meeting Edward Van Halen and their early relationship.
“I used to live in Shreveport, Louisiana.”
Reflections on Past Choices
28:00 to 28:40
Explore the impact of past choices on present emotions and perceptions.
Show all 23 chapters
The Struggles with Substance Use
28:40 to 30:12
Discuss the challenges of managing addiction and emotional pain.
“of hating the birds chirping because I got to a point where when I would hear birds chirping, I would just get so tense.”
Family Dynamics and Growth
30:12 to 31:40
Examine the growth of children and the complexity of family relationships.
“Well, I think we all have a toolbox that we go to when we need to suppress any kind of emotion that we don't want to feel any kind of pain that we don't want to feel.”
Musical Heritage and Passion
31:40 to 33:31
Discuss the musical journey of Wolfie and the family legacy.
“I feel like I'm just reading the People Magazine announcement of his birth.”
The Call to Create
33:31 to 35:04
Delve into the importance of artistic expression and the drive to create.
“Nobody told me that 98 % of the Screen Actors Guild can't support themselves as actors.”
Eddie Van Halen's Unique Sound
35:04 to 36:38
Explore Eddie Van Halen's distinctive musical style and contributions.
“I don't know if I was stupid or what, but I just literally wanted, I liked the process.”
The 'Beat It' Collaboration
36:38 to 37:57
Recount the story behind Eddie Van Halen's collaboration with Michael Jackson.
“Like, if you were to say guitar people, I don't even think Lindsay is on many people's list unless they really, really know.”
Van Halen's Impact on Music
37:57 to 39:28
Discuss the significance of Van Halen's music and their place in rock history.
“But the album was, I think, one of their only albums to never go to number one, because Thriller was number one for so long.”
Van Halen's Impact on Music
41:01 to 41:40
Discuss the significance of Van Halen's music and their place in rock history.
“offering accessible, affordable therapy that fits your needs.”
Van Halen's Impact on Music
41:47 to 42:05
Discuss the significance of Van Halen's music and their place in rock history.
“As we get older, we can't just skip sleep and eat whatever we want and still feel great the next day.”
Valerie Bertinelli's Journey to Self-Love
43:38 to 45:44
Valerie discusses her struggles with self-worth and body image.
“It's called Enough Already, because I have been through the mill and I'm talking about that my own brain has put myself through the mill.”
Facing Anger and Shame in Recovery
45:44 to 47:36
Valerie shares insights on confronting past anger and shame while in recovery.
“what will happen is that I, as I get my mental health together and my emotional health to get health together.”
The Importance of Therapy
47:36 to 53:10
Rob and Valerie emphasize the value of therapy for mental health.
“And I just want people that are listening to this right now to go, okay, they may be saying, wait a minute, you're Rob Lowe, you're seen and you're heard all the time.”
Listener Questions and Recommendations
53:10 to 56:00
Rob Lowe offers restaurant recommendations for a listener's wedding in Santa Barbara.
“I mean, you're such a great advocate and, you know, you're America's sweetheart, people.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Rob Lowe:Spring has arrived. Spring is also the perfect time to refresh your outdoor space. And Paragold is a destination for a luxury home bringing designs, best brands together in one place. Perigold offers its largest ever selection from ready-to-ship outdoor furniture to weatherproof lighting, accents, and serveware for every style and space. It is the first to bring design's best brands together in one place, making it an easy-to-shop, enduring all-weather pieces. Many of these brands have been around for decades and prioritize quality materials, solid construction, and traditional craftsmanship. Paragold also offers free, fast, full-service delivery on most items and complimentary design services, making the whole process easy.
1:02Rob Lowe:I've been checking it out, and everything looks super fun. There are many great options, particularly some outdoor chairs that look great. There's lots of great stuff. So go shop in-store and online at paragold.com. When you're a maintenance engineer in a beverage manufacturing plant, you keep production lines moving and quality on track because there is no room for slowdowns. With Grainger's vast selection of high-quality motors, sensors, belts, and hard-to-find parts, you can get what you need fast and all in one place so nothing gets in the way of getting the job done. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click grainger.com, or just stop by.
1:43Rob Lowe:Grainger, for the ones who get it done. In an upcoming episode, we are celebrating the moms in our lives with a special Mother's Day-themed lowdown line. If you've got a question for me about what to get that mother figure in your life, leave me a message. Make sure to give me a few details about who your mom is, what she likes, so I can give you some really good recommendations. so the number to dial in is 323-570-4551. 323-570-4551. Let's buff your mom. Valerie. Long time no see. Let me see that. Is that a dog you have next to you? He's as big as a dog. Now, this is Tigger. Oh, my. Wait, you have to be kidding me with that cat.
2:47Rob Lowe:welcome to literally um i mean come at me if you think that there's anybody other than valerie bertinelli than america's sweetheart i i i think it's her uh i i really do um we're going to get into some good stuff i'm going to get some van halen we're going to crack the door open on van Halen. We're going to crack the door open on her participation in Battle of the Network Stars, which to me is like winning an Oscar. And of course, talk about addiction and recovery, which you know I love talking about. So let's get to it with Valerie Bertinelli.
3:27Rob Lowe:When do you think the first time we met was? um i think it was in the i want to say the mid 80s in malibu i was hanging out with ali heady a lot before she moved to new york and you know you knew ali yeah of course and somehow i don't know what happened we all we all met up at zuma because didn't didn't you and and ed live like like above like a malibu park area like about yes up um trankis trankis i still have that home really yeah that's good that's going to wolfie when i die it's one of those houses that needs to just keep going through the family in the family yeah is it is it literally up in the um like is it like it's it's up above the the market right up in that area it's on a cliff it's 104 steps down to the beach so do you remember when trankis market had like that little stage and bands would play of course yeah that it was great then that was i saw i mean i saw mick fleetwood oh sitting in i saw i mean it was always it feels like what's his name oh hang on that song it's you and me and we just did dave mason oh i feel like it was always dave mason it was a cool little hang it was good yeah ed did ed never played there though that i know of i don't i think he might have gotten up with some friends that were that booked a gig there um i feel like maybe he did i mean we used to go watch football over there on all the tv yeah it was it was fun it's very different now you know i mean malibu now i is like i mean when i moved there now it didn't used to be hoity-toity um no i when i moved to malibu in 1976 people rode their horses to the market there was a hitching post wow so you were before me because i didn't move there till 84 did you ever participate in battle of the network stars i feel like you did a couple times yes excellent do you know i am obsessed with battle of the network stars stop it no i am see it where do you see it see it i used to go to pepperdine and watch them film it and i loved it because what people don't because listen in those days there were three networks three that was it it was the only thing on tv you had three network fox didn't even exist that's true yeah yeah i think that it was battle of the network stars where i met melissa is that why you were there that yes that must have been it it was the year that must have been i was there with melissa gilbert my girlfriend at the time and that's where i would have met you for the first time and in those days okay here if they were to redo battle of the network stars today it would literally be Can you imagine the HBO team versus the Netflix team versus the NBCs, which means like the Game of Thrones guys would be in a canoe and and like the Sopranos would be in the fucking, you know.
6:24But there would be like, you'd have to do like a, you know, the, the, like the final 16, the NCAA, you'd have to do it like that this week and have to like to work it down because there'd be too many teams. There's so many channels on television now or television. You even call it television streaming.
6:40Rob Lowe:wouldn't you want to see like ted lasso in the dunk tank yeah against the squid game people i don't know if i would have the heart to put the squid game people in battle i mean you don't die but i mean still don't they play enough games already i was good don't you think they've been through enough i think they've been through enough oh god i love that show though do you love didn't you love that show yeah it's great it was phenomenal i had to get up and pace wolfie was like mom sit down watch it i was like i can't i can't i can't watch this happen it's killing me that was i mean those you guys were the biggest television stars in the in the planet now now the best was because there weren't that many then that's why so they redid it a couple years ago i don't know if you saw this no god god bless their hearts and um so my brother chad low is an actor and a tv director and they called him to be and he was like they asked me to do battle of a network stars i don't know if i should do it i'm like it's battling a work stars dude and he said i knew it was going to be bad when i went into the trailer and they didn't have remember how great the sweatsuits were i still have them with your name yes i do i have the green cbs one because i was on the cbs team because one day at a time was on cbs i i mean it's it's this big i don't know i mean i was tiny back then i was like like 105 pounds i was and i thought i was fat it's so stupid but Yeah.
8:06Tiny.
8:08Rob Lowe:Oh my God. Why do you, you should have that like in a framed thing in the living room, like an Oscar. That's to me, it is, as I'm, I'm more interested in talking about that than if you had an Oscar. I should box it like a, like a Jersey sports Jersey. yes um and how did you end up on one day at a time what was the audition process because i always like to talk to young actors about what what auditioning was like in the day i don't know what it would be like today and i don't know that i would have be able to get through it i know you have to do a lot of it on tape and send the tapes in which doesn't seem quite fair it's like are you sure they're watching it um when you're in there in front of them, that casting director is all eyes on you.
8:56So I, yeah, I went to, I think it was by the fourth or fifth callback that I was told I had the part. But it was like any other commercial that I would go up for, any other thing that I would go up for. I was busy doing commercials at the time. I think it was on sixth or seventh. I didn't, I went through at least 99, a hundred interviews before I ever got one job. I got a lot of rejection and I thought I don't want to do this anymore this is like not fun for me and my mom's like fine you don't want to do it I don't want to drive you so you know she was never one of those stage mothers um but I went in they seemed to like me um I came back I think Jan Murray was the casting director I want to say I'm not sure have you ever read for Jane Jan yeah that was my era are you kidding me okay okay well i'm before you baby a little bit before you you're a little younger than me um so i read for her got the callback i saw a bunch of these beautiful blonde read all these gorgeous tall skinny women we were all 15 16 17 maybe there were some 14 year olds but um then i got the third callback and then by the fourth callback um we go to cbs television City down on Fairfax and Beverly and Norman Lear is in the room when you walk in like more of the big people were in there sat right next to Norman at a big round table open the script I'm like shaking because even me I knew who Norman Lear was I mean he was and still is the king of television I mean he did everything yeah he's amazing for those of you who may not know Norman Lear all
10:36Rob Lowe:and the family the jeffersons i mean every every great 70s into the 80s and and beyond a genius genius total genius and um he liked what i he had me do it again i believe um which is a long time ago um but it kind of sticks in your brain and um then i i left the room and um jam the casting casting director if that is her please i hope i'm not wrong um she said okay everybody can go and then she turned around to me and said you stay and i went oh i think i got it i think i got it and that feeling that feeling is such an amazing thing i don't feel that feeling very often in my life but that's that was the feeling and then it started to like roll and we were there we were and I was um when I the first day um for the read-through um I'm going to CBS Television City I get in the elevator and then Mac walks in and I knew who she was because at the at this point just driving down Ventura Boulevard you see all the posters for Rafferty and the Goldust Twins and Rafferty and the Goldust Twins yes so I was like oh my god this is Mackenzie Felix this is so amazing and she looked me up and down and i'm like oh you're my little sister huh because this was the second pilot they had done the first pilot and mac was the only daughter and then they reconfigured the pilot um with all the notes that the network gave them and um richard master who played david and me barbara my character barb cooper were added and um that's where i met everybody and it was nine years later when we finished it's funny mckenzie phillips i just somehow came across literally last night um a speech she was giving on recovery and it was so good so powerful she's so she's amazing powerful she has turned her life into a life of service where she really does help people and she's still a brilliant actress she was on um what is that orange is the new black for a while an amazing character on that show show she's she's uh i just adore i was just texting with her the other day she's she is truly my sister and i never had a sister i grew up with three brothers so when i met her we would go to sleepovers together we would really hang out and we would fight like sisters and we would make up like sisters i adore her oh it's so great because it's not as you know it's not not always the case right i mean you you just never know how that's how that's going to go you know of all the things that you've done and god bless you you have jesus christ you just never stop working dude can you think and i'll even categorize it for you okay like the dramas yeah even categorize it even even closer um well let's not talk about movies right now let's just about talk about television drama comedy which were your favorites that you were in oh um you can't argue with success so So Parks and Recreation.
13:48I was hoping you'd say that. You're so good.
13:51Rob Lowe:I have another podcast called Parks and Rec-Election. So if you guys haven't checked it out, check it out. It is all about that. But I also did a show called The Grinder. It only lasted one year. Oh. And on Fox. I did it after Parks and Rec. And I think it's the best comedy I've ever been in. It got great reviews and everybody loved it. I play a demented actor who's been on a lawyer procedural for 20 years. It gets canceled and he decides he's actually going to simplify his life and practice law on his own. But all he knows is what he learned being a star. It's insane. And it's so nuts that I'm surprised it ever got on TV.
14:31Rob Lowe:The fact that we did 22 of them is a miracle. But if you guys haven't ever seen The Grinder, it's my favorite comedy I've been in. I will look for it. I will look for it. Who wrote it? Who wrote it? Who was the showrunner? um they were uh uh andy mogul and uh uh jared paul two really really hilarious young young guys and um i'll look for it i feel i feel like we hijacked the network um but parks and rec i would say and that people still like it is is cool and drama you know um i look i think i know what you're gonna say you have to say yes the west way yes i mean you gotta say it right you gotta say it By the way, how cool.
15:12Rob Lowe:But right before I got on with you to talk, I was talking to the White House. I had Jen Psaki, White House press secretary. Stop it. And it was like she's in the White House and we're talking and I'm like and we're nerding out about, you know, it was it was super. It was super, super fun. Oh, my God. I love her. I love her. She's so ridiculously smart. Oh, my God. That's exciting. She was unreal. It was super fun to have her on. Oh, that's exciting. It's fun. It's fun stuff. But like, you know, look, we've been around this business forever, you and I. You know, we know what's what. I mean, I loved you in Hot in Cleveland and old Betty.
15:53Rob Lowe:God bless her heart. My sweet Betty. Wasn't she the best? She really was. She really, I mean, there was no one like her and I don't believe there ever will be anyone like her. I tell people this all the time. What was Betty like? She literally, literally glowed. She walked in a room, never made an entrance, but you couldn't help see that Betty was there because there was something, there was just this light around her when it was even dark out. She just oozed goodness and kindness and gratitude. She was just, oh, I miss her. What a life. I loved her so much. Yeah. What a life. What a life. I used to watch her and her beloved Alan Ludden when they were together on, I want to say Password a lot.
16:41Yep. That's where they met.
16:42Rob Lowe:Is that where they met? I didn't realize that. Yeah. He asked her to marry him for over a year. And she said, one of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn't say yes sooner. Because she said the years with him were just so wonderful. They had a little place up in Carmel. She would go up and do her needlepoint. he would make Bloody Marys on the weekends for them. They had the most, it just sounded so wonderful and so calm and so loving. And that, so that's the part, even though we have to miss her because she's gone, I'm so happy for her because I truly believe that she is with Alan now and every pet that, that has, you know, passed before her, she is hanging out with all of them and having the most amazing time.
17:26Rob Lowe:She was an animal activist way before it was fashionable. Yes. Yes. And a lot of people, thank God, on her birthday, which was a few weeks back, they just gave to animal rescues. I gave to a couple local rescues here, and I think that's a really great idea. Always do it in Betty's name. Do it yearly and just give to a local animal rescue. There's so many across the country, so many that deserve the help. They do it on such a small budget and they spend the life that they spend taking care of animals and dogs and pets and cats. And I mean, God bless them. They're another people that are of service to animals that we forget that they have feelings and lives.
18:15And, you know, we need to be kind to animals as well. I always know if someone's not kind to an animal, I don't want to be around them.
18:23Rob Lowe:Oh, for sure. My wife and I do a really fun thing. We probably do about every three or four years because it's a lot, but it's so great. We will go to the various shelters in our area and identify, you know, 20, 30, 40 dogs and then pre-home them with people. and then we and then we take them all out at once in vans to our house where we have mobile groomers mobile vets and this all happens like out on our driveway that's a lot of work and it's a full weekend's worth of work and it's an assembly line of like animals getting groomed set up and then their new families there and then inevitably of course it's just an excuse for us to get more dogs because there's always somebody that like the person thinks they want them and they don't want them and they're like what are we going to do with this dog and so we end up being these foster homes to these animals it's a lot of foster i fostered kittens for a few years there when my love of my life cat died in 2013 and i fostered kittens and somehow i now have six cats I don't know how that happened, really.
19:39Rob Lowe:And your cat that you had, see, I'm watching you on Zoom. Oh, yeah. He's over here now. He might be the biggest cat I've ever seen. Yeah, he's a big boy. He was my last foster failure. He is about seven years old. Does he eat other cats for a living? Because he's massive. He tries to eat my parents' cats.
20:08Rob Lowe:Spring has arrived. Spring is also the perfect time to refresh your outdoor space. And Paragold is a destination for luxury home, bringing designs, best brands together in one place. Perigold offers its largest ever selection from ready-to-ship outdoor furniture to weatherproof lighting, accents, and serveware for every style and space. It is the first to bring design's best brands together in one place, making it an easy-to-shop, enduring all-weather pieces. Many of these brands have been around for decades and prioritize quality materials, solid construction, and traditional craftsmanship. Paragold also offers free, fast, full-service delivery on most items and complimentary design services, making the whole process easy.
21:10Rob Lowe:I've been checking it out, and everything looks super fun. There are many great options, particularly some outdoor chairs that look great. There's lots of great stuff. So go shop in-store and online at Paragold.com. Dads find one version of things they like and they stick with it for decades. A wallet, sneakers, even the haircut. From watches to cologne, Macy's Father's Day online gift guide makes it easy to upgrade dad's go-to favorites. Same vibe, better version. Give his wardrobe a refresh with a Tommy Hilfiger printed floral linen shirt or level up his signature scent with a Rabanne 1 million elixir gift set.
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24:04Rob Lowe:How did you meet Mr. Edward Van Halen? I used to live in Shreveport, Louisiana. Well, my parents lived. Let me be clear. My parents lived in Shreveport, Louisiana, and I would go there a lot. And in August of 1980, you may remember this, there was an actor's strike. Yes. Oh, yeah, I remember well. So there's nothing for me to do. And I was roofing houses with my brother, Drew. And then my other brother said that there's this rock band coming through town. We really want to see him. And the radio station said, if you come, we can get backstage passes. I'm like, okay. And then my brother said, go look at the eight track I have in the back of your car.
24:45Rob Lowe:Yeah, for eight tracks. And I saw what he looked. I'm like, okay, I'll go. This guy's cute. So I went and, you know, there we go. It was love at first sight, for sure. It wasn't L.A. It wasn't show business related. It was literally backstage way off the beaten path. Yeah. Backstage at a Van Halen concert. Yeah. And that was it. You guys were off to the races and the rest is history. Well, I gave him my phone number and he said he was going to call. I gave him the number of my parents because I was staying with my parents in Shreveport. And I gave him that number because there was no cell phones back then in 1980.
25:19And he didn't call for three days. And I thought, well, that sucks. I really liked this guy. I wonder why he's not calling. And then he finally called on the third day, right when they were going to Oklahoma. And he said, I'm sorry, I didn't call sooner. I was just, I was so scared. I didn't think you really wanted me to call you. I'm like, I gave you my number. Of course I wanted you to call me. So, and then from then on, we were together until we got married eight months later.
25:43Rob Lowe:Wow. Now, what was it like being accepted into the world of Van Halen?
25:53Rob Lowe:I'm a spit take. You just took a sip of water. I almost spit all over my computer. Yeah. Well, after Ed and I became involved, all of a sudden there was this rule that there was no girlfriends and no wives allowed on the road. Isn't that convenient? All of a sudden. Yeah. I got along great with Al and with Mike. Someone else, I don't know why, didn't like me. But what are you going to do? Who would that be? See, Al and Mike, who are we missing? Oh, no. I don't know why he didn't like me. I mean, I was always nice to him. I honestly don't know. One day I'd like to sit down with him and go, dude, what did I do?
26:33Honestly, I've always been a fan of yours. I think you're a brilliant front man. I think you're a brilliant songwriter. I love your lyrics. Why don't you like me? What did I do?
26:42Rob Lowe:Did he think you were going to be Yoko Ono of Van Halen? Well, I have been accused of that, even though Yoko didn't break up the Beatles, and I certainly didn't break up Van Halen. not only did yoko not break up the beatles but when you watch the beatles documentary which i'm obsessed with as long as much as everybody else is it's so clear she didn't break them up oh yeah they were headed toward that they that last let it be that was you could see it all happening you could see all the cracks in it you could see it all they were so young they were all in their late 20s they were such babies somehow i don't think van halen was being brought toast when they were in the studio like the beatles were i mean i may be wrong i could be wrong but i think in the 80s it wasn't toast that was being delivered yeah you know it was not i saw the deliveries and that was it that was not on the list three four days later it might have been but uh no they weren't interested in eating that's for sure well i am a prude now but i partaked as well for a few years there until i just couldn't take it anymore but we all did it in the you know in the 80s cocaine was everywhere it was everywhere and easy to get it was easy to get and it was literally it was before the the the bill had become due and we just didn't know in fact not only that but in fact there was an it's almost hard to imagine now but rewinding all of those years and and and taking away all the knowledge that we now have i think this is 40 years ago people this is 40 years ago people were saying it was good for you helped you think and it and the other thing was it was what six quote unquote successful people did in our industry it was all the people you admired i mean you're eddie van halen what do you think keith richards was doing right if i'm you know a young actor i don't want to name a name but multiple names i know what those actors were doing and you're like oh well if it's good enough for so-and-so it's good enough for me right yeah but i got tired after a while of hating the birds chirping because I got to a point where when I would hear birds chirping, I would just get so tense.
28:49And it took me years before I enjoyed a sunrise and enjoyed the birds chirping. Now it's like, it's why I look forward to it.
28:58Rob Lowe:But why is it? That's so funny because you have to be one of us who did it to know how horrifying that visceral feeling, the birds chirping yeah horrifying yeah it's like god i was gonna stop three bumps ago and i didn't and here i am and the birds are chirping god damn it why did i do this yeah man those were the days god that sounds fun not not not yeah but you know it's like we're we're you know we're we're lucky that we got off the ride you know because a lot a lot of people follow it all the way down and i and i never know what's well that's not true i do know i think it's better to like crash and burn than to have it never than to be incrementally boiled alive by it like a frog you know the sort of the frog that you keep turning the temperature up in the water it will let itself get boiled alive because it doesn't you know and that's why i think what happens to a lot of people who can quote unquote recreationally dabble and do their thing and they never really have the piper never gets paid.
30:06Rob Lowe:And so they keep doing it. And then they're, you know, they're 60, 60 plus 70 and wondering why their lives are horrible. Well, I think we all have a toolbox that we go to when we need to suppress any kind of emotion that we don't want to feel any kind of pain that we don't want to feel. And I know that Ed's toolbox was full of drugs and alcohol. My toolbox was full of food, which I thought was love and I misused it and thought it was the enemy for a long time. And with Ed, it was drugs and alcohol. And it took a very, very long time for him to just not use it to deal with his pain. Near the end of his life, his pain was incredibly raw, and he was very vulnerable about it.
30:50And I'm grateful that he was able to make amends with so many people that he loved and knew that he didn't treat as well as he would have liked to, because his heart, oh my God, that man's heart was just so kind and so sweet and he just wanted to do good. And then that demon would come in that wouldn't let him just be Ed. It was hard to watch. And I have, sitting back now, and I have length to be able to look and see what I could have done differently, so many things I could have done. But I was too immature and I was too into my own world to know how to help. I was a kid. We were 20 when I got married.
31:30That's insane.
31:32Rob Lowe:Insane. It's insane. My kids are older than that. Really? Yeah. I mean, Wolfie's 30. He's going to be 31 in a couple months. Jesus, I can't believe that. I can't believe Wolfie's 30. I feel like I'm just reading the People Magazine announcement of his birth. Do you know what I mean? Yes. I feel like, yeah, I still feel like he's a little baby boy, but he's definitely not. Definitely not. He is his own man. He's got his own career. I'm so happy for him. he's got a grammy nomination i mean i'm just like what i wish ed was here so he could just be enjoying it too and wolfie started out as a drummer but he's playing everything now right am i am i right about that you're absolutely right yeah he he started playing drums when he was very young like eight nine ten and then um he's always been fascinated by music and musical instruments and that the house was you know there was guitars everywhere leaning against walls leaning against sofas and chairs.
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32:21And there was a piano in the library. And Wolfie was always fascinated by it and always just clinking on the guitars, even as a very young baby before he could walk. And he became the bass player of Van Halen when he was 16. That's just insane. And he's just got a lot of years under his belt of really perfecting his art. And he's still constantly doing it. He's very much like his dad, where his fingers are always moving. he's always got a melody in his head and his you know he's always drumming on something so we went from drum to bass no i'm sorry drum to guitar because he wanted to play 316 at his sixth grade graduation and then his dad asked him to learn how to play the bass he's like okay he did that and then he started learning how to play the piano when he wanted to put some piano um things on his album some bits of piano so he wrote everything he played everything he sang everything
33:16Rob Lowe:it's all him i'm so proud of him you can't fight the genetics at a certain point you know i mean it's like it's true i wanted to i didn't want to be a musician i didn't want him to be in the business the business is so hard on people but you know when you have that gift what are you going to do i have it with my youngest son you know who you would like and he went to stanford because he was in he was working as a young intern in high school at the eli broad stem cell laboratory goes to stanford gets gets straight a's and comes out and says i want to be an actor look at your reaction i had the same reaction i wanted to murder myself and him oh god what are you gonna do what are you gonna do i mean when art is so important in someone's life creating is so important it what it's what keeps our brain alive creating and what are you gonna do you know you gotta let them you gotta let them because listen i the problem with you and I in that equation we're discussing is we have the knowledge, and I didn't have any of that knowledge when I started out, or maybe I wouldn't have been an actor.
34:22Rob Lowe:Nobody told me that 98 % of the Screen Actors Guild can't support themselves as actors. I didn't know. I didn't know any better. But, Rob, you had a gift. You had a gift. You had to express that gift. You didn't have a choice. I know that I'm always saying, you know, we all have choices. We always have choices. But when you have a gift, the gift that you have for dramatic and comedic acting, I mean, dude, not a lot of people can do what you do. So when you have that gift, there's really not much you can do about it except explore it. And it is true because, and then when you're, when you do get to explore it, you would, you would, the dirty little secret that I don't want anybody to know about is you do it for free.
35:00Yeah. You really would. But we still have to pay our bills. So it's nice to get paid for it as well. Yes.
35:04Rob Lowe:Yes. But you know what I mean? And it's like, I've done a lot for free because it's just so much it's so much fun and and that's i think the difference between you know uh also i'm not i'm not saying that people don't do that today and there aren't plenty of people who are getting into it for that reason i'm sure there are and i know there are but you know there are also people who who get into it because it will make them popular or they are interested in you know the the the monomani cover a magazine or whatever it is and i i that never occurred to me starting out. I don't know if I was stupid or what, but I just literally wanted, I liked the process.
35:39Rob Lowe:I liked playing the parts and reading the scripts and breaking them down. And that's why you're successful beyond the talent, because that's what you enjoy. You enjoy the work, you enjoy the creation. And Ed was the exact same way. He said, I don't want to be a rock star. I just like making music. I can't not make music. This is fascinating. He was more of an engineer, the way he would tinker in his back room and just put things together and change the guitar and he had something in his head he needed to hear on that guitar and he tinkered with it and engineered it until he could find it that's the same thing you you are an artist so you needed to tinker with it the the magazine covers the the all that glory whatever that's like secondary and actually a pain to put up with it's the art it's the creation that is the fun part it's amazing about about eddie is among the other things is like he is among the few people where if you hear his work you go oh it's ed that's eddie van halen so obvious he has such a particular sound to his his guitar one of my favorite things about about doing the podcast is when i have music people on because i'm a music nerd and i just nerd the fuck out when i have i had lindsey buckingham on oh lindsey buckingham tell me uh right right talk about a guitar sound i mean right Oh, yes.
36:55Rob Lowe:And totally underappreciated. Like, if you were to say guitar people, I don't even think Lindsay is on many people's list unless they really, really know. No, no. It would be Eric Clapton and Eddie and Steve Fry and whatever. See, songwriters are what do it for me. And Lindsay was a songwriter. And the tone of his guitar was absolutely spectacular. Insane. Yeah. Insane. Like I know when it, but like being able to talk to folks about that kind of stuff is, is just, it just, and, and he, you know, he like, but, but Eddie, there's no one. Do you remember when he recorded the, the solo for Michael, for Michael Jackson?
37:36I do. I remember.
37:38Rob Lowe:What was that like? Well, I remember I was actually. Is it on Bad or which song is I forget? Was it, it was Bad, right? Oh my God. Oh, it's, it's, it's Beat It. Beat It. Thank you. thank you thank you so our phone rings up at the studio and um ed picks it up and some guy goes hey it's quincy and i want to talk to eddie van halen and ed's like fuck you and he closes it because he doesn't believe him it's amazing and quincy calls back and he finally convinces ed that it's quincy and he says i want you to play this solo over one of michael's new songs he goes okay i guess i'll come down it was a studio not far from our house and um he went down i guess a couple later i don't know um ed never got paid for it he wait wait talk about what talk about doing it for the art here's the perfect example i i never in a million years thought there could be an example as amazing as what you're just what you just talked about well he never called lawyers never called a manager he just he just went down and did it you know he didn't no contract negotiations before he went down he said sure i'll come down that was it um michael sent us um a laser disc player to for as a thank you before like when they first came out i don't know what i ever did with it but you know those movie players they're big like lps oh my god yeah it's kind of cool it's the big it's the biggest album of all time the biggest hit on the biggest album of all time and the centerpiece of the song that's the biggest and it got a laser disc right And I remember, because they had just released, they were going to be releasing 1984, and Jump was a huge hit on that.
39:13That was their number one hit. But the album was, I think, one of their only albums to never go to number one, because Thriller was number one for so long. And I remember Al being so angry at Ed. They never should have done it. You kept them at number one, and we didn't get a chance to go. I mean, he didn't say it that way. But he's probably right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but Ed's like, so what? It's good. You know, he didn't care. He just wanted to play.
39:39Rob Lowe:What's your favorite Van Halen video? You know what? I'm going to have to say jump because I love that impish grin that Ed gives to the camera. It's just so damn cute. And Panama's kind of fun too. Well, Panama's my favorite. One of my favorite songs. Yeah. Finish What You Started is a good video as well. The black and white one. That's with Sammy. Another great song, but hot for teacher. Come on. Oh my God. That's so good. Yeah. they really that was all dave and um dave's imagination he really had a lot a lot to do with those videos he was so brilliant at that like dave why do you hate me i'm i'm i'll talk yeah dude i i'm still like i think you're an amazing you know artist but i can tell you why i think i i think of a philosophy i think i i might have cracked the code you ready for it yeah here's what i think it is when you met both of you had among the most amazing hair in show business.
40:32Rob Lowe:I mean, I'm just saying, could that be it? That must be it. I can't think of any other reason because I'm a very nice person if you get to know me. I know, Jesus.
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41:29Rob Lowe:And in terms of outcomes, 93 % of RULA patients report symptom improvement. If therapy has been sitting in the back of your mind, RULA is a pretty simple way to take that first step. So turn off the talk track that's keeping you from progress and head to RULA.com. That's R-U-L-A.com to find a therapist the easy way. Guys, let's face it. As we get older, we can't just skip sleep and eat whatever we want and still feel great the next day. But if you're entering your men's health era, you know it can feel complicated. Sprouts Farmer's Market makes it easier. Not only do Sprouts have the high-protein foods, nutrient-dense organic produce, and innovative snacks your body craves, it's also got the newest supplements, vitamins, joint support, even creatine to help get you feeling more like you used to.
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43:37Rob Lowe:Tell me about the new book coming out. I'm super psyched to read it. It's called Enough Already, because I have been through the mill and I'm talking about that my own brain has put myself through the mill. It's basically about the last two years, but I go back into my history, my parents, my childhood about why I've developed this. I finally realized that from a very young age, I learned that I was unlovable when I gained weight because I watched my father not love my mother when she would gain weight. I had an elementary school teacher point at my belly and say, you're going to want to keep an eye on that.
44:19I was 11 or 12 years old. I wasn't even aware of my, but this is before I even got in the acting business, wasn't aware of my body. So that started me on this path of, I have to be careful. And granted, I already was in that mode of, I need to be careful. I need to make sure everybody likes me because I was the one in the house to keep everybody calm because when I was born, my mom was still grieving and my dad was still grieving the death of their son that died when my mom was pregnant with me. So I was born into a house of grief and I needed to keep everybody happy. So I was like the perfect child, quote unquote.
44:53quote. And so I always wanted to be the perfect. Well, if I'm supposed to lose weight, I'm supposed to be perfect. So no matter what my weight was, it was never good enough. No matter how low the number was on the scale, it was never good enough. When it was high, well, that's it. I'm not going anywhere. I'm hiding under the cover. I will be an urban hermit because I am not worthy of people seeing me right now. So most of my life. And then I spent seven years as the spokesperson for Jenny Craig getting into a bikini, feeling like, oh, wow, for that split second, it felt great to be in the bikini, but I never ever was comfortable or happy because I knew in the back of my brain, this is not going to last because you need to take care of your mental health and your emotional health and your health and you're not doing it.
45:35And so that's what I'm doing now. I'm, I'm such a slow learner, but I love learning. I love being taught. And, um, now what I'm hoping what will happen is that I, as I get my mental health together and my emotional health to get health together. And I still continue to eat more fruits and vegetables, drink less alcohol, eat less sugar, because I know I don't feel as good after that, basically putting into my body what I think will make me feel better. Maybe as I deal with the rest of the stuff, my body will follow. But right now, I must love myself and be kind to myself in who I am today, what I look like today as hard as it may be for me because i believe the lie that i'm not worthy of love when i'm fat but i have to believe that i am worthy of love no matter what i look like and i think that a lot of women across the country around the world believe that they're not worthy of love when they gain weight and it's fucked up it's wrong and i'm the one to be able to shout it
46:41Rob Lowe:from the rooftops from now on it's wrong i love that and it's particularly hard you know i mean obviously for for people who jobs being on camera and stuff like that people are on on people all the time about their weight and about what they look like and i mean from such a young age back when i was and the first year of one at a time i look back at some of the shows now or stills i'll see online or whatever i'm like why did i think i was fat what the fuck are you kidding me i was made to believe I was fat. I was fine. I was a 15 year old girl coming into puberty, coming into being a woman. Of course, my tips are going to come out a little bit.
47:20Of course, my boobies are going to start to come out. But that's not fat. What the fuck? Excuse me. I'm getting I'm still I'm more pissed off now than I was as a child.
47:30Rob Lowe:Well, because you couldn't be pissed off then. So you're able to do it now. I had to believe them. Yeah, sure. And I believe the lie that they were telling me well it's so funny when you get into recovery like before i got into recovery the hardest thing for me to play in a role was anger it was it was it was it was the thing i couldn't access i could but it was super hard i don't even i i just i didn't have it in me i thought oh and then i got sober and then i started to do the work and the fucking rage and anger that comes up you know that you've been you've been drinking away or the grief that you were feeling because you know anger as you know because you obviously have done the work fear it was fear do you know what you were afraid of i mean it's kind of you know look it's kind of all at least the people folks in recovery like us it's our life's work to try to figure out what what that is and it's does it matter i'm wondering okay it it does it doesn't really matter it's in it's interesting at the end of the day one if you've if you've figured out that it was fear at the end it doesn't really matter where it came from mine was of not being heard.
48:58And I just want people that are listening to this right now to go, okay, they may be saying, wait a minute, you're Rob Lowe, you're seen and you're heard all the time. No, no, no, no, no. That's not what it is. It's about in your life as a human being, who you are not being seen and heard. Oh my God. Yes. And that's so painful.
49:15Rob Lowe:And it's way before I was ever in acting. Sure. I mean, this is, you know, all that stuff, like the messages that you're unlovable, if you gain weight that's baked into you when you're five six seven that's a great way to put it baked into you yeah and and trying to get that out is really really challenging as a concrete in there sitting in you that belief that is wrong there's a lie i mean we're i mean you're you're blessed that you but that makes perfect sense to me that you're angry now and shame is such a fucked up feeling yes oh i hate shame i hate it yeah i gave there was a great i i went to to my i went to rehab in 90.
49:51Rob Lowe:It's where I got sober and I loved it. I loved being there. I loved it because I was like, okay, I'm really going to learn about myself. That was great. But they did a great phrase where you would identify who had shamed you and then you would give them back their shame. How do you give someone back their shame? So, like, for example, let's just say your mother did things that were shaming. You would say, I forgive you, and I give you back your shame that you gave me. Oh, wow. And I found that super powerful. That is. And so I'm thinking, and I'm going through it right now because. Like who should, like if you.
50:42Because I'm thinking I want to give my dad back this shame that he made me feel multiple times about my weight. There you go. And all I keep thinking is like, but I don't want you to feel bad. I'm sorry, dad. So I got to get past that shit.
50:55Rob Lowe:That's the people-pleasing stuff. Yeah, yeah. And he's long gone. He's been dead since 2016. And I know he was proud of me, but I also know that he had a tough life, too. So he didn't know any better. They don't know it. Look, and look, I love my kids. I feel like they're doing well and stuff, but I'm sure we all fuck our kids up unwittingly. I don't care how good a parent you are. Without a doubt. Ed and I went to therapy for Wolfie just seven, eight years ago because he was going through a tough time, and we wanted him to be able to say something in a safe space. So the three of us went to therapy for about six months, and it was, I hope, helpful for Wolfie.
51:34He says it was.
51:35Rob Lowe:I have advertisers on the show who, you know, online therapy and things like that. And I'm glad that they support the show and that they're sponsors of the show. And I just recommend therapy to anybody. To me, it's like, you go to the gym, you have a fucking trainer for your body. Why wouldn't you have a trainer for your mental health? Absolutely. But I do also suggest that if you're not comfortable with your therapist after a few sessions, please find another one because there are really great ones out there. And there's probably not so – it doesn't mean they're not great. It just means you're not connecting.
52:09Rob Lowe:It's so interesting you would say that. So how long – let's say you're uncomfortable with therapy. You've never been to therapy. Well, it's uncomfortable anyway. It's uncomfortable anyway. That's why I have to get a few sessions. I was going to say, and it's just, you just know when you'll know, because I had a therapist once that I gave, I mean, I gave, I think, a solid year. And then I was like, you know what, this is not for me. And then maybe you're lucky and you meet somebody in the first time, you're like, oh, yes, this is great. But I think, you know, initially, it's normal for, I think, most people to feel like, I don't know about this.
52:44Right. And that's why I don't want people to give up on it if they're having a bad experience, because when you find somebody that clicks with you, it's just it's so wonderful. You learn so much about yourself, things you need to learn and things that you can do, actual tasks that you can give yourself to get to another spot so you can get out of the spot you're in that you don't want to be in.
53:08Rob Lowe:Yeah, 100%. Well, I can't wait to read your book. I mean, you're such a great advocate and, you know, you're America's sweetheart, people. And I mean, they're the best. I mean, really, truly, I mean, who doesn't love Valerie Bertinelli? David Lee Roth. other than David Lee Roth. It's the greatest. The greatest thing to come out of this podcast is that America loves you. There's only one person that doesn't, and his name is David Lee Roth. That's my favorite thing. I love you, Dave.
53:42Rob Lowe:Oh, wow. She is America's sweetheart. I don't know. She just is. I mean, so, I feel warm and fuzzy inside having had that talk. And I am going to get after David Lee Roth. That's my mission. I'm going to track him down. I'll get him on the podcast. I'm going to get David Lee Roth making note to the producers right now to get David Lee Roth. And we are going to get to the bottom of why he is the only human being. How many people are in the world? I'm going to say there's 7 billion people in the world. There's one person who doesn't love Valerie Bertinelli. We know who it is. We're going to solve it.
54:18Rob Lowe:Anyway, and now let's have a little gander at the lowdown line. Hello, you've reached literally in our lowdown line, where you can get the lowdown on all things about me, Rob Lowe. 323-570-4551. So have at it. Here's the beep. Hi, Mr. Rob Lowe. My name is Christy. And first, I'd like to thank you for doing your podcast. I really enjoy listening to you, and I enjoy your guests. And it's such a fun podcast, so thank you. I have a Santa Barbara question for you. I'm actually hoping you can help me. I know that you live in Santa Barbara, and my son will be getting married there in March. They're just going to the courthouse, and with COVID, they can only have eight guests.
55:12My job is to find a restaurant that we can all go to after the ceremony, and I don't know of any really good restaurants in Santa Barbara. So while I know this is probably a really big long shot, I'm coming to you for suggestions. I also think it would be really fun to say that Rob Lowe recommended our restaurant. I hope you're able to help. I'd really appreciate it. But if you can't, that's okay. I completely understand. Thanks so much. Have a great day. Bye-bye.
55:43Rob Lowe:Nothing makes me happier than to be a concierge. I love doing it. So, before you go to the wedding, sort of down and dirty, greatest Mexican food you'll ever go to is La Super Rica on Milpas. You have to wait in line. It's super not fancy, and it's genius. But celebration dinner, you will go to Lucky's in Montecito. Lucky's in Montecito, it's steaks and pastas and salads and super simple food and super great. And it's kind of the place. Anyway, congratulations to you and good luck on the marriage. Thanks. More good stuff to come next week on Literally. You've been listening to Literally with Rob Lowe, produced and engineered by me, Rob Schulte.
56:35Rob Lowe:Our coordinating producer is Lisa Berm. The podcast is executive produced by Rob Lowe for Low Profile. Jeff Ross, Adam Sachs and Joanna Solitaroff at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Stitcher. Our researcher is Alyssa Grawl. Our talent bookers are Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. And music is by Devin Bryant. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week on Literally with Rob Lowe.
57:07Rob Lowe:This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.
57:18The Sprite Berry Blast is here. A crispy blue Sprite with a dollop of cold foam. It's berry, berry good. One of many new drinks now at McDonald's. Support comes from Amazon Business. Free your team from time-consuming procurement tasks. Discover Smart Business Body, where unmatched selection meets AI-driven tools to simplify complex processes so you can focus on what matters most. Learn more at AmazonBusiness.com.
From the publisher
This week, we're looking back at Rob's conversation with actress and television personality Valerie Bertinelli! The incredible conversation covers everything - Malibu hangs, roofing houses during the 80s actor's strike, and all the Van Halen DRAMA. On today's episode, you'll also find out how Valerie got her role on One Day at a Time, and the unique gift MJ gave Eddie after recording a solo on Beat It! This episode originally aired in March 2022.
In an upcoming episode, we're celebrating the moms in our lives with a special MOTHER’S DAY THEMED LoweDown Line. If you've got a question for Rob about what to get that mother figure in your life, leave him a brief message at 323-570-4551. Make sure to drop a few details about who she is and what she likes so Rob can make a great rec. Your question could be featured on the show!
Make sure to subscribe to the show on YouTube at YouTube.com/@LiterallyWithRobLowe!
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