How to Beat Your Confidence Crisis With Dr. Cindra Kamphoff

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0:59Welcome to Live Happy Now, where we explore the science and stories that help us live with more joy, resilience, and connection. I'm your host, Paula Phelps, and each week we sit down with experts and everyday heroes who show us how happiness grows when we put it into practice. If you weren't born confident, that simply makes you human, and you're not alone. Research shows we're in a growing confidence crisis, but the good news is confidence isn't fixed. It's a habit that you can build. This week, Dr. Cinder Kampoff joins me to talk about her new book, The Confidence Habit, and to share practical tools for strengthening your confidence, improving your well-being, and showing up more powerfully in your life.

1:41Let's dive in. Dr.

1:43Cindra Kamphoff:Cinder, thank you for joining me on Live Happy Now. Thank you, Paula. I can't wait. I've been so looking forward to this conversation. You're doing some amazing things. And now I understand your book has just become a two-time national bestseller. Is that correct? It is correct. So it's been a wild journey since it came out September 1. That was not a long time for it to hit that status. So I think what that really tells us is how important this topic is and how much people really, really want to learn about it. And before we dig into the topic of confidence, you know, high performers in business and athletics.

2:21And what is it that made you realize that you needed to address the topic of confidence for the rest of us?

2:29Cindra Kamphoff:So I lead a company called the Mentally Strong Institute. And so we're a group of executive coaches and mental performance coaches. And this has just been a trend that I've seen growing the last 10 years where people are coming to us. They don't always come and say, I need more confidence. But many times the root issue is their confidence. And what I've realized is doing this work in mental performance is that everyone can struggle with their confidence, that it's fluctuates, it comes and goes. And we're really trying to push ourselves to try new things and be courageous. That's when our confidence lacks even more, or we're in a transition, or we've gotten tough feedback.

3:08Cindra Kamphoff:And so we all need moments where we have to reset that confidence sometimes daily. So is confidence an innate trait or is it something we have to develop or is it some hybrid of those? So think about confidence as a feeling that comes and goes. Don't overthink the feeling of a lack of confidence. It's a decision you get to make in the moment. It's an action you get to take. And many times the action comes before the feeling of confidence. So just raising your hand before you feel confident to raise your hand is an example. It's a skill you get to keep growing and it's a belief in yourself. So a lot of people, I think Paula think, you know, I just was born unconfident or I've been unconfident since I was a little kid.

3:50Cindra Kamphoff:It's a skill you can keep growing. And what I love about the confidence habits is like this toolkit that you get to keep on developing and using to reset your confidence. And that's what is unique about the book is it's like it actually has an image of a toolkit. And every chapter, you get one or two tools that you can use to reset your confidence throughout your lifetime. And that's terrific, because all of us have gone through times that have shaken our confidence. And yes, we don't always get back up the way that we wanted to. And before we get into everything in your book, you start with a story that just like it's a showstopper.

4:28So tell us, I mean, this is a great, great, I think so everyone will relate to this in some way. So tell us about that story with your TEDx talk.

4:37Cindra Kamphoff:Well, it's a very vulnerable story for me because I did a TEDx talk a couple years ago and I wanted this TEDx talk to go viral. So my expectations for myself were very high and probably outcome based, meaning I couldn't control like how many people watch the TEDx talk. And I hired a short talks kind of coach, someone who would help me write out the talk. And I'm a keynote speaker. So I speak over a hundred times a year. When I speak, Paula, I speak from my heart. I don't write it out. And for some reason, I thought this would be a good idea just to have it scripted. Well, right in the middle of my talk, I literally blanked.

5:18Cindra Kamphoff:I didn't know what I was going to say next because guess why? Because I had it written out and I was thinking, what is on the bottom of page three? And so people cheered me I was fine with it until the end, until I saw people's reactions because I knew that TEDx or they could, you know, just they could take out that little part of the video. It wasn't a big deal. They could edit it out. But people's reactions to me, it was my family's reaction. Like, are you OK? What's wrong? You know, and I started overthinking it and I felt like I failed and I didn't promote the talk for over a year. I almost didn't let Ted put it up.

5:59Cindra Kamphoff:And I was at a speakers conference and I felt a lot of shame around this event. And I felt a lot of like, I just didn't meet my expectations. And my two speaker friends, John and Jason watched the talk without me even telling them anything about the backstory. And they watched it and they came back to me the next morning. And John was like, wow, Sintra, you've grown so much in your speaking ability. And I can't believe, and I started crying, Paula, because I was like, what have I done to myself over the last year? You know, I had just sabotaged myself over around this performance. I'm telling you this story because you might be thinking what, you know, a confidence researcher like freezes on stage.

6:44Cindra Kamphoff:Like that's what, you know, That's what I help people do. But I want to tell you the story because I'm not perfect. And many times confidence is borrowed before it's built. And in this situation, I was borrowing my friend's confidence. They were like, Syndra, this is an incredible talk. And, you know, by the way, my coach had told me this is a terrible talk. Why would you even have them post it? So we can be impacted by people's belief in ourselves. And one of the things I learned from this event is to focus on what I believe and what I know to be true, because we are told things all day long about maybe our performance is terrible or great.

7:28Cindra Kamphoff:Right. So what's most important is what you believe about yourself. I love that. So in addition to it giving you an incredible opening to your book, it sounds like it gave you like a really great perspective on confidence. It did. And I realized now my next TEDx talk, I'm going to speak from my heart and there's going to be no writing it word for word. I love it. So I learned a lot about how I'm at my best, too. So let's talk about why there is such a confidence crisis in the world today. Is it is it bigger than it used to be? Is it what what's going on? So we did a national research study last year, and that's exactly what we found is we found 67 % of working Americans believe we're in a confidence crisis today.

8:14Cindra Kamphoff:And we surveyed people all over the world, all over the United States, I mean, in all different generations. We found women still scored lower on all markers of confidence compared to men. So we can unpack that. Women are still more likely to second guess themselves and less likely to share their opinion. This confidence crisis specifically is impacting Gen Z. So Gen Z is defined as ages 14 to 29. And we found one in two Gen Zers consistently or frequently feel like they're not enough. So we really need to be focusing on this younger generation of the workforce and giving them tools and strategies to reset their confidence.

9:01Cindra Kamphoff:And the average Gen Zer spends six and a half hours on their phone a day. So that's one of the reasons for this confidence crisis is it's so easy to go on social media, even for you and I, Paula, and look at what's great and what is amazing. And it's so easy to compare and look at what we like about someone. And then we think about what we don't like about ourselves. So this generation is our next generation of our workforce. And we found also that confidence isn't just personal issue. It's a professional issue. When we are growing our confidence, our organization is we're more productive in our job.

9:41Cindra Kamphoff:We are more creative and it's even connected to workplaces and workplaces having more revenue. So today, as you're listening, think about how you can keep growing your own confidence, but also how you can keep growing the confidence of those people you lead. That's interesting to think of it as a business strategy. Yes. Yes. That's really mind-blowing because I don't think that I've seen it presented that way. We do think of it as a soft skill, kind of. As you mentioned, it's a feeling. It's not something that we definitely necessarily want to cultivate in our employees. So I love the fact that you're bringing that to light.

10:21And I wondered if you could tell me why women do rate themselves so much lower than men. Because you said across the board, it doesn't matter the age group, women consistently have less confidence than men?

10:33Cindra Kamphoff:So in the book, I did my best to really pull back the layers of this. And I think there is many layers. I think we need to just address perceptions, you know, sexism that still happens today. And women have a lot on their plates. And, you know, we're expected to be a lot of different things, incredible moms, incredible at our jobs. And it's easy for women to overthink. And, you know, by the way, when I speak to audiences, I ask people to raise their hand if they're an overthinker and literally 90 % of the room raises their hand. I think the other 10 % are just overthinking if they should raise their hand, but women tend to be more likely to overthink.

11:19And so why is this important?

11:22Cindra Kamphoff:Because men, you play a really important role in helping women sit at the table, invite them at the table, ask them to share their voice and their opinion. But women, we really need to keep growing our confidence because we have important, unique gifts that no one else has in this world. And you play a really important role, right? You have unique values and strengths that no one else has. And so we need to keep growing that confidence, not arrogance. Arrogance to me is like a false confidence. It means that you're not coachable. but confidence is like this really true belief in self. I'm putting my hand on my heart and just helping people think about like authentic confidence and showing up in an authentic way.

12:06Now, what does that feel like for us when we have authentic confidence? How are we going to be moving through the world?

12:12Cindra Kamphoff:That means that you're comfortable in your skin. That means that you recognize the areas you can keep growing in and you're not perfect. Life is imperfect and every one of us is imperfect but you know what your strengths are, you know what your purpose is, and you keep that top of mind. And you believe in your own worth. And so what this means is you're an important, valuable person that has unique gifts and values and strengths, and you have a unique purpose in this world. And when we really believe in that, we can pull back the layers of understanding what that purpose is. We'll be right back with more of Live Happy Now.

12:56We're already helping you wrap up your weekend with a smile, so why not let us start your Monday with an encouraging boost too? Wake Up Happy is the newest addition to our mission to make every day happier, and it's a Monday morning lift you don't want to miss. When you sign up, we'll send you one quick, uplifting text every Monday morning to kick those beginning-of-the-week blues to the curb and help you rise and shine a little easier. Think of it as the best wake-up call you'll get all week. delivered right when you need it the most. Sign up, sleep well, and let us help you start your week with a smile.

13:30To get your weekly wake-up happy text, visit livehappy.com and sign up for our Sunday Sillies newsletter. You'll get the option to receive a free wake-up happy text every Monday. And if you're already getting Sunday Sillies, you'll see a prompt asking if you'd like to opt in. So sign up and let us give your Monday mornings a makeover. The other days we'll be so jealous.

13:54And now let's hear more from Dr. Cinder Campbell. Fortunately, you're not just telling us this is what we should do. You're telling us how to do it. So can we talk about your unlimited confidence cycle? So this is such an exciting part of it. I'm really excited to hear you talk about this.

14:13Cindra Kamphoff:Awesome, Paula. So it's this unique model of how to grow confidence. And around the outside of this cycle is that confidence is a feeling. It's a decision. It's a skill and it's a belief. And then there are seven core practices to grow confidence. That's the second layer of the cycle. And then in the middle is all of the different tools that you can use to keep growing confidence. And what I find in, you know, I think about my own experience as a college athlete. I thought I was the only one that was struggling with confidence. I thought I was the only one that experienced self-doubt. And I didn't have the tools to reset and rebound.

14:52Cindra Kamphoff:And so these tools you need to use throughout your lifetime to keep on resetting and rebuilding that confidence because we all experience moments of uncertainty, of doubt, and pressure. And how can we then use these skills to pass that on to the next generation? Because as parents, as grandparents, we don't want our daughters or our sons to go through the same struggles that we've had to do. So how can we teach our children to become more confident? I think first modeling it yourself and using the tools yourself. And then I would say, like, can you teach your kids these tools? What we need is I think about these tools and I'll teach you one.

15:34Cindra Kamphoff:One is called learn, burn, return. And it's all about like how to quickly move on from a mistake or disappointment or difficulty. And the reason we want to quickly move on to protect our confidence. And so we don't overthink this lack of confidence and we don't overthink a mistake. And I love that movie called Inside Out 2. It's just like cartoon movie with a hockey player. Yeah. And it's like, oh, it's so cute. And her emotions are in charge of what gets stored to long term to short term memory. Don't let your emotions get stored that way. So you want to continue to like decide what gets stored in your long term and what gets stored in your short term memory.

16:11Cindra Kamphoff:And we want to have a long term memory of our successes, times we've been successful and we want to move on that fast when things aren't going great. So the first step is to ask yourself, what would I do differently next time and try to have a little bit more easygoing approach with yourself. Now, the next time you're beating yourself up around it, how could you burn it? What's an action or a phrase that you can use to let it go? So for example, you might pretend to flush a toilet or you might say that fast or you might shake it off like Taylor Swift. This will age me. So I reach back to Ally McBeal and where the guy used to say bygones.

16:49And so that's something we use in our house a lot because we were talking about it just today and I'm like, okay, bygones. Like it's done. Bygones.

16:57Cindra Kamphoff:Oh my gosh, that's amazing. I love watching that show. It's great. bygones. And then you want to use the same front one every time, like the same phrase or action. So I love that you always say bygones because that strengthens a new neural pathway and you're less likely to overthink. And then the return means you build your confidence back up. You want to build your confidence with that self-talk to, to be the amount of confidence you had even before the mistake. And most people, by the way, they just stay in the learn. They overthink, They learn, they learn, they don't intentionally burn and they definitely don't return.

17:34Cindra Kamphoff:They don't build their confidence back up. But you need to do that to protect your confidence and to rebound because we all experience mistakes, disappointments, things that we wish we would have done differently. And silencing that inner critic can be so difficult. She is so loud and so mouthy and has and says such mean things. So how do we learn to like put her aside and stop, you know, because it seems like even if you're ruminating on one thing, then she starts bringing up other stuff too. Yeah. You're like, oh man, I forgot about that and now I feel really bad. So what are your tips for putting her in time out and silencing her?

18:15Cindra Kamphoff:So the first practice in the confidence habit is this idea of crafting your inner coach. And so your inner coach is like, we all have these two voices. I love that you called her her. You might even name your inner critic. I did, but I can't say that on the air. I named mine too. And sometimes I'll just be like, I shouldn't say her name either on the air. But sometimes I'm like, okay, that was weird. And I just call her her name. And what's helpful is to realize that inner critic is rude and mean and harsh. And the real purpose of that inner critic is to keep you safe. And your inner coach is more what is to be true about yourself.

18:57Cindra Kamphoff:And you can decide which one to fuel. What's most important is that you notice. Just, right, just pay attention. And you could name her if you'd like. I have a tool in the confidence habit called the truth meter. And it's a way just to poke holes in that thought. So Paula, what does your inner critic say to you that you don't like? I don't work hard enough. Okay. I don't work hard enough. We can all experience that thought. So here is the three questions of the truth meter. Number one, is that thought true? Is that thought helping you be the best version of yourself? No, not at all. And you're here on this podcast, clearly working hard.

19:40Cindra Kamphoff:Number two, is that thought serving you? I don't work hard enough. Is that helping you be the best version of yourself? No, not at all. Okay. How so? how is it limiting you? Because then I'm focusing on what I'm not doing versus what I am doing. It takes the attention away from what I want to accomplish and makes me look at what I'm not accomplishing. And it's distracting, right? And it takes you away from your purpose. What is a more empowering thought you could choose instead? I am doing the best that I can with the time and the resources I have. Amazing. I'm doing the best that I can with the time and the resources I have.

20:17Cindra Kamphoff:Is there something that's even more empowering that could help you kind of step into your potential even more often? Probably. And I'm hoping you're going to tell me what that is. Well, I asked that question because I think like sometimes that first empowering thought is great, but there's something even more empowering. And I mean, maybe something that could be even more empowering, you get to decide is like, I live my purpose through this podcast or, you know, like I'm making the world a better place. I think both of those, the ones you the statement you said in the statement I said, it are both way more empowering than I'm not working hard enough.

20:56Cindra Kamphoff:And sometimes that inner critic there is like, you know, there's something there that we can learn from it. There's a lesson or there's if we pull back the layers, it can be helpful for us to examine it. But most of the time, our inner critic is like so extreme and just not even the truth. Yeah, she is dramatic. I mean, I give it a rest. That's awesome. Yeah. So I do know I know we have to let you go, but we can't do that before we talk about building a dream team of confidence. This is a fabulous principle. Tell us what that is and what that looks like for us. So the last practice in the confidence habit is building this dream team.

21:41Cindra Kamphoff:And I love this quote by Jim Rohn. He was a motivational speaker and author. And he said, you're the average of the five people you spend time with, which actually, if you look at the research does, that is true that we become who we surround ourselves with. So think about the goals that you really want to accomplish. let's say five or 10 years from now. And think about who do you need on your dream team to help you get there quicker. And so you need a coach. You need someone who's gonna support you along the way. You need a cheerleader that's gonna pick you back up. You need a challenger, somebody who's gonna challenge you along the way and make sure that you're really on track.