Navigating Loneliness During the Holidays With Dr. Jody Carrington

0:03Thank you for joining us for episode 549 of Live Happy Now. The holidays are a time for getting together with family and friends, but for some people, they're a reminder of what's missing. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week we are digging into the challenge of loneliness during the holiday season. To kick things off, let's hear from Live Happy social media manager, Michelle Jones, who's here to talk about how we're tackling holiday loneliness here at Live Happy. Michelle, Welcome back. Hey, Paula. Great to be here. I am not sure why you keep inviting me on, but I am so glad that you do.

0:36Question for you. Do you have your tree up yet? And have your dogs knocked it over already? They have not knocked it over because I do not have it up. We're not going to be around much this holiday season, so we aren't putting a tree up. And besides, Josie thinks a Christmas tree skirt is just like another blanket. And so it's kind of an ongoing holiday battle if we do that. So no, we haven't done it. How about you? Is your tree up? Not yet. We have also been doing some traveling and have not gotten to it. The dogs is a challenge. The toddler is a challenge. I think we're going to have to put a gate around the tree this year.

1:14We'll see how it goes. And put all the ornaments like four feet or taller. Yes, it's a look. So Michelle, we have talked a lot about how loneliness is impacting our society. You know, it's been an ongoing theme for the last couple of years on episodes that we've done here at Live Happy Now. But the holidays really do add another dimension to it. And, you know, I think we've all had years where we're grieving a loss or maybe we're just feeling left out from the alleged joy around us. So I wanted to bring you on and get your perspective about it. Yeah. Alleged joy. Huh, Paula? That is a phrase. Yeah.

1:52That doesn't make it into the Christmas carols. I don't know why. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe we should start adding that in. Well, I will say that one of the things I notice every year is how many people share that the holidays feel isolating. Even if they have family and friends around, they can sometimes feel really disconnected. And for others, it's the absence of loved ones, and it makes the season especially hard. And what really stands out is people often feel like they're the only ones experiencing this. And in reality, so many of us are going through the same thing. I think that is such an important point because loneliness can feel invisible, but it's so common during the holidays.

2:31And that's something you and I have talked about. We started talking about this at like end of October, and that's why we created the Live Happy Holiday Loneliness Toolkit. So would you like to tell us what that's all about? Yeah, I really like this resource. It is free, it's downloadable, and it's filled with practical tips, which I always love, things you can actually do. Rituals, how to shift your mindset to help you navigate the season with more connection and peace. We have our fan favorite, look for the good word search puzzles in there. Journal prompts that can help you work through some difficult emotions.

3:07And a few practices to create connection with others throughout the season. Yeah, I'm so excited to share this with our audience. This is the first time we've done something like this. And I think as you and I talked about it, we just kept getting more and more excited about the things that we could include. You know, we've also included a page of links and resources to podcasts, research, stories that we've already published. And all of it's designed to help us feel more connected and less isolated. For sure. And that's what I love about it. It's not just about how do we cope. It's about finding these small ways to bring joy back into the season.

3:40even if you're spending it in a different way than you thought you would. And I especially like the section about chosen family. I think that's so important and how you can bring those folks into the mix. I do too, because, you know, let's go back to when you and I met. We were both in communities, both in a city, Nashville, that we hadn't grown up in and we were all about chosen family. I met you, I think it was around New Year's that I really got to know you and just became part of these celebrations. And I do, I think chosen family is so very important and it's that gap that so many people are missing out on.

4:16So yeah, you're right. I love that section too. And we're going to offer this as a free download through our newsletter, on our website and on social media. So Michelle, I really appreciate you coming on and talking with me about it, but tell me what you are most looking forward to this holiday season. Ooh, yeah. I think I've really enjoyed that over the years, the way I've celebrated the holidays is a season in and of itself, meaning like the holidays have changed so much for me in different seasons of my life. And of course, the magic of being a child is unmatched in many ways, but doesn't last forever.

4:52And then as a young adult, setting out on my own, experiencing the holidays way differently. Most of that time I was working as a journalist in the newsroom, talk about feeling isolated. And they're with you. Yeah, yeah, I know it. It's hard. But you get to tell people's stories and around the holidays, especially some of those are really, really heartbreaking, and some are very uplifting. So it makes you feel a lot of feels. And now making the holidays magical for the children in my life, like my nieces, I am a very practical aunt or aunt, depending on where in the country you're listening from.

5:27But I'm the open them savings accounts, have them save for college and teach them the importance of giving to others that that's the kind of aunt that I am. And my nieces are at the ages now where they understand that Christmas isn't just about getting the new iPhone, which they do ask for that too, but how can they pour into others and help other people feel fulfilled with more than just gifts? And that is a lesson I hope they carry with them well into adulthood. So that's what I'm looking forward to. I know it's a little cheesy of an answer. It's not. It's true. What about you, Paula? Well, okay.

6:05So now I feel guilty in confessing this, but we always are the fun ants. We do none of those things. We encourage them to get like, have the most fun that they possibly can. And we help support that. So yes, I'll be going up. Our youngest niece is now 21 and her boyfriend plays in a band. And so we're going to go up there the week before Christmas and see his band play. And then come back to Nashville and spend it with some friends. Again, going back to Chosen Family, this is a tradition we started with another couple about four years ago. And it's just something we look forward to every Christmas day.

6:45It's just us. That's amazing. I am not surprised that you're the fun aunt. It's all about balance, Paula. You need a little bit of both. So I will take a little bit of that into this holiday and maybe, you know, splurge on some chocolate or some toys that they don't need. There you go. And I will find something responsible to do. It's a deal. I've got some time. Well, Michelle, thank you for coming on. Thank you for your work on this project and really excited for our listeners to discover it. And I know that you'll be sharing it on social media to let them know more about it. But for now, let's hear from psychologist, Dr.

7:23Jodi Carrington. She's an author, speaker, and host of the podcast, Unlonely. She sat down with me to discuss the loneliness epidemic, how it affects us, and how to navigate the holidays when we're feeling disconnected. So let's have a listen. Dr. Jodi, thank you for joining me on Live Happy Now. I'm so excited to be here. I've been looking forward to this conversation. I had talked to you for another reason. A couple years ago, we talked then about being able to do a podcast together. So happy that we could finally make this happen. And what a great topic. We know that loneliness is a growing problem globally.

7:58And then during the holidays, it can become so much more challenging. But before we get into the holiday portion, can you tell us why loneliness has become such a tremendous challenge on so many levels in so many places around the globe? Yeah, you got it. So I've been a psychologist for over 20 years. And so many times these days, people say to me, you know, what is happening with this mental health crisis. We've never seen levels of anxiety and depression this high, despite the fact that we have never had this much access to resources or research in North America. For the first time in history, we are killing ourselves faster from emotional illness than we're dying from physical illness.

8:32So there is this understandably huge question to most of us in this mental health space, like what in the name of all that is holy is going on here? And it's like, obviously it's a mental health crisis. And I'll tell you what, But your former Surgeon General of the United States of America, Vivek Murthy, who has, I think, one of the most brilliant brains on the planet, said he served the two terms prior to the Trump administration. And he said, listen, I don't think we are in a mental health crisis. I think we're in an understandable human response to a loneliness epidemic. And he was the first really sort of big shooter to identify it, this sort of what is going on with the emotions of humans on this globe.

9:13because since the introduction of the smartphone in 2006, introduction of the forward-facing camera in 2009, we've seen a massive decline beginning in about 2013 of humans and their emotional well-being. And so understandably, it's like this is a mental health crisis. But here's the interesting thing. As humans, and I mean, I've done, gosh, all over the globe now, spoke to many people in many different facets of the world. We are way more alike than we are different. In fact, our DNA as a human race on this planet is 99.98 % the same. Race is a social construct. Gender identity is a social construct.

9:51And we all start in exactly the same place. We all end in exactly the same place. Nobody gets out of here alive. And what I think we have tried very hard in this last little decade in particular is to try to figure out like what is going on. And we forgot that this is a human issue, that there are two rules to the human race. Number one, whoever created us said this. And by us, I mean the human race. Okay. So I don't care if you believe in Jesus or Buddha or Yahweh, the great big bang. However, we got here as humans, there's two rules. Number one, whoever made it said, I'm going to make you neurobiologically wired for connection.

10:31You disconnect from an infant, they die. That will never change. Now, as good as we're going to get at the AI, we are so complex that what AI, as it stands now for now, will never replicate is emotion and feeling and joy. And we are neurobiologically wired for connection. The only AI that's going to matter as you build your businesses, as you build your family systems in the future, if you understand the only AI that matters is authentic interaction, you will be the healthiest you will ever be. People will want to work with you and for you. People will skate through walls to get to you if you really double down on that kind of AI.

11:17Because we're neurobiologically wired for connections. As efficient as we're going to get, we're never going to automate a relationship. Okay? Two, the second rule, whoever made us, despite the fact that they said, I'm going to make you neurobiologically wired for connection, they threw a curve ball and said, the hardest thing you will ever do, the second rule is this, the hardest thing you will ever do is look at each other. So we're in this conundrum, Paula, where we are neurobiologically wired for connection. The second rule is we, the hardest thing we will do is look at each other. And we've never had this many exit ramps.

11:48We've never had this many opportunities to look away. and what gets me every time is it is estimated that our great-grandparents looked at their children 72 % more of the time than we look at our babies today. Oh my gosh. In a sum? So if you think about the ramifications for that in business, in parenting, in building family systems period, and it's so amazing to me, right? Like you can shut off your phones, but we're not that good because we're wired for connection. And this whole understanding, this iteration of keeping us connected technologically is brilliant and so useful. However, we were not designed to be this accessible.

12:30Our systems, our neurophysiology needs a break from humans, from noise, from input. When we get up in the morning, I asked everybody this morning, who charges their phone by their bed? And like 98 % of them said yes. Okay. So before we even pee, we're checking that thing, which is not a bad thing if you consider, yes, our access to people and other things. However, nothing in that phone typically delivers a huge rush of neurophysiological goodness. It is a cortisol inducer because we're checking our email. And there's nothing in there that like before 6 a.m. that's going to lower your cortisol, right?

13:10So at the end of the day, when we're intended to deepen our relationships, sit down and have coffee or, sorry, supper with our families, play board games, invite the neighbors over, we're like, no, thank you. I am done. Tapped out. I am done. In fact, I want to get into my own personal bed by myself and watch Dateline. And so we have this loss of community, this lack of connection, even though we're always connected. But then let's talk about as we move into the holidays, like what is happening? Why are the holidays so lonely for some people? As you said, we can all be connected to somebody, but it really brings out this feeling of loneliness.

13:50Why is that? Holidays are intended to be the time where we set aside to bring systems together. And in the last decade, we've seen such an erosion of relationship because we have the ability to block. We have the ability to just say, no, thank you. We don't need actually to come together to sustain our systems anymore. And we're too exhausted to maintain them. So I'm not going to come home for Christmas. I'm not going to come home for the holidays or I can't do this or I can't, we'll just call, we'll just do those things. And so what we're seeing is there's a massive breadth of relationship opportunities, but the depth of relationships are suffering.

14:33Oh, that's so interesting. Yeah. I'll give you an example. We're so easily accessible now, right? So we're not good with choice. I really, I do not envy anybody in the online dating world right now because we are not good with this much choice. Then there's instant communication in places where we feel so lonely and disconnected that we're fostering relationships that do not carry a depth like they used to, because the hardest thing we will ever do on this planet, other than look at each other, is then maintain relationships because they will continue to only get harder. You've never heard anybody married for 25 years that was like walk in the park.

15:08We're barely hanging on at the best of times. Okay. Now, because society now has given so much freedom in this place of relationship, which is the greatest gift of all time, we now struggle significantly to understand how we have to navigate the conversations that require connection, that require the face-to-face connection, not just the text notes. And when things get tough in life, which they always will, death, loss, grief, all those things will remain as part of this human condition. In those moments, you don't need the breadth of relationship. You're desperate for the depth. We'll be right back with more of Get Happy Now.

15:50If you've ever wished your brain had a switch you could flip to be more positive, we've got good news for you. It kind of does. Neuroscience tells us that you can actually train your brain to look for the good. And once you start practicing, it gets easier, faster, and a whole lot more fun. That's exactly why every Tuesday in our Live Happy Weekly Newsletter, we give you a quick little workout for your optimism muscles. The look for the good word search. It's a tiny puzzle with a big purpose. Every week, you hunt for words that spark gratitude, joy, resilience, all the good stuff your brain loves to build on.

16:26It takes just a couple of minutes, feels like a win, and gives your brain a gentle nudge toward noticing what's going right. Think of it as a microdose of positivity disguised as a game. So if you want to get better at seeing the bright spots, even on messy days, subscribe to our Live Happy weekly newsletter by visiting us at livehappy.com and play along with our Look for the Good word search. Your brain will thank you.

16:53And now let's hear more from Dr. Jodi Carrington. And so how do the holidays help us build that depth? Such a great conversation. So what the holidays trigger for many of us is the sense that you should have a depth of relationship with people. You should really have the home place to go to where all the people get together and they reconnect. When we've spent a lot of time not building, maintaining those relationships, it becomes very difficult. to step into the nostalgia that is the holidays. So many of us are opting out. What we can't opt out of is that we're wired for connection. And so what becomes really difficult then is we start to look around and wonder where our people are.

17:42And we wonder about then, why can't we have that conversation with Uncle John? Why are we really in the middle of people not accepting us as we are in this place? Our political divisions, our ideas about how the world should operate often and historically have always clashed with older generations and more wiser generations or people who are more liberal and open to ideas than maybe people that were very conservative. And there's so many benefits to both of those aspects of generations, but being able to come together and have empathy for each other is becoming much more difficult because what you lose access to when you're exhausted and overwhelmed, which also is a big factor in the holiday season, is seeking first to understand, being open to other ideas, giving people the benefit of the doubt, which always is not always necessary, right?

18:34There's a time where it's like, okay, that's enough. Thank you very much. We need to protect our health and wellbeing here. But holidays and loneliness are so synonymous because the nostalgia is high. The intention of a society to get people back and connected in the same communities is high. So we're inundated by that social media piece. It looks like everybody got their shit decorated and they got their family pictures and they're frolicking in the snow. And they have the matching pajamas and they're drinking cocoa and Christmas cards. Yes. They've never been happier. And I said this to Aaron, we did family pictures after like, yeah, I don't know.

19:11I can't remember. But anyways, a couple of weeks ago. and I said to him, we should really send out the Christmas card of the family shot that we gathered like three shots before the one we're going to send. Because I was like looking at our sons going like, if you don't stand beside your sister, I'm going to rip your lips off. Okay. Put your arms around each other for Christ's sake. I don't want to stand by you because we might not even make the card together. Like, I think that there is such now that we're going to only see an increase in loneliness because we're getting everybody's highlight reel.

19:38Mm-hmm. How about the movies? What do the movies do? Because some people think, well, it's a good thing because it gives you hope and it builds that nice feeling of nostalgia. But for other people, it's like, well, wait, that's what my life's supposed to look like. And it surely, it doesn't. Right. And so I think that they play both of those roles. Both of those things are very true, right? That it is this sense very much that it's like, yes, there's an ideal of being connected, but there's a skill set that's required in order to keep that happening. There's a a massive ton of forgiveness and understanding and emotional regulation that has to happen in a time where we get access to the best parts of us.

20:16I'll give you an example of this. Like Paula, when I am filled up and regulated, which means, you know, I've rested well, I've looked after myself. I have really got myself clear on what I, what I will accept and not accept in a family system conversation. Do I have enough empathy to understand where grandpa might be coming from or mom's perspective on things. When I'm filled up, I'm good at this stuff. I can do it all day long. If I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, feel unwanted, unseen, all of those things, I'm out. By no means am I saying, yep, we just got to get back together as family sisters because we need connection.

20:54No, ma 'am. I'm saying what is so critical right now is to never underestimate the need for each other. And sometimes creating our own families and our own communities is what people need to do when they're in places where they feel disconnected. It is so critical that even if it is an online bid for finding communities that look like you, sound like you, talk like you, that's fantastic. Also being very clear that empathy requires a lot of self-reflection, a lot of emotional regulation because people in this human race have never been lonelier. We feel bad about being lonely, Not just in the sense that loneliness makes us feel bad, but we feel like we shouldn't be lonely.

21:37We feel like others, no one else is as lonely as we are. We really kind of make the situation worse for ourselves, and then it can escalate into this full-blown crisis. So at what point does someone realize, like, I might need some outside help navigating this because I've gone too far down this hole? Yeah, it's interesting. Loneliness is such a big emotion. but like it is a, it has massive impacts in the workplace. And so there's such interesting studies from burnout and loneliness. When you get lonely, you very much turn inside. Okay. So you start to lose access to things like creativity, positivity, innovation, kindness.

22:18It's very much like, I don't know if you've ever sort of had a panic attack. So when that happens, the rest of the world is irrelevant. You go very much inside. Oh my God, am I having a heart attack? what is happening. From a neurophysiological perspective, you are just fighting yourself. Loneliness becomes very much like that because we get very internally focused. This is so sad. This is so long. I don't have anybody. Everybody else has everybody, which steals from us the capacity to look out. I think the answer in this very noisy world is very simple. I think it goes in three stages. You got to go in and regulate.

22:56Then you give it away like it's your job. And then you put that on repeat because you're never going to arrive. So I'll take you through that. So number one, this happens whether you're anxious, any experience that really gets us dysregulated. Okay. Dysregulated means our body starts to say we're in danger. It's not safe in this world. I'm not enough. Everybody's going to leave me. I'm a piece of shit. Like whatever happens, that emotional dysregulation means from a neurophysiological perspective, your prefrontal cortex is lifting up. Okay. So you're getting into fight or flight. Loneliness lives there.

23:29Anxiety lives there. Okay. Here's how we get it back. Drop your shoulders, drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth, wiggle your toes and let your gut out and be very diligent about reminding your body that in this moment, she, he, they are safe, if that's true. There will be a ton of information that would suggest, particularly if you're marginalized in any capacity, that this world is not safe for how you show up in this world. If you have sat in front of a computer all day and scrolled on your phone all day, there would be tons of data to suggest that this isn't a safe world. So when we go in, we block that for a second and we take a second, a beat to assess in this moment with my tongue off the roof of my mouth.

24:24Why that's critical is we slam our tongue to the roof of our mouth when we're ready to fight. Okay. Oh, interesting. And every, yeah, for hand to hand combat, we had to lock our jaw. Okay. So this is our ancestors and our bones. Okay. And now every time you get an email notification, you lock your jaw and your body is now assuming that we're under danger all, we're in danger all the time. And so the reverse engineer to that is really working now extra hard in this extra noisy world to sort of inoculate ourselves against all of the noise that's coming in all the time. We have to do this on purpose.

24:57It's the discipline of connection, which means I'm going to regulate first on purpose. I'm going to practice that a whole lot more. And in order to do that, I mean, we're so up against it right now, there's a note on my computer. Okay. I have a sticky note in my bathroom mirror. I have one in my car that just says shoulders, because I promise you every time, if you do that, every time you see that, that sticky note, your shoulders will be up. And when you lay in bed at night, people often think their shoulders are down. They are not. That is actually where you brace for impact the most is when you go to bed because you start to process everything.