Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark

20:04Shane Gillis:Girls, they hear the deals, bro. And it just triggers something for them. It's like they're forgers, bro. We're out for the hunt. They're forgers. It's true. And then it just gets like a little forgery. Like there's berries in the pasture. And they go and fucking collect them. Yeah, that shit fucking freaks me out when I see you're like 10 % off now. And I'm like, bro, shut it down. Shut down the spam. Yeah, it's 100 % off for you everywhere. True. Yeah. So stop worrying about deals. All of a sudden you're frugal with my money? You spend$900 on pillows that no one's put their head on once. Yes, a travesty.

20:48Shane Gillis:And then they'll see, that's the problem. They'll see other pointless pillows and be like, those are nice. Where did you get those from? Guys, I've moved these things around a lot. You know, they've taken a lot of the back and forth. It's the motion of the podium. Sturdy-ish. I should destroy the podium. I should have not told you. I'd be like, yeah, I'll do the podiums. you got here they're all smashed who did this ending by just putting your fist through that painting would be make sure there's no glass that would be so sick what do you think of that painting I've discussed this a couple times man I mean it looks like he's kind of selling him on this lady I think someone's like discovering them it looks like she might be foraging too she might be getting a 10 % I'll tell you what that lady's doing right now she's being a fucking whore definitely look they even moved the picnic basket out the way what do you think they're gonna do right there that picnic blanket's all bunched up bro true yeah it could be done she could be washing off back there oh that's right yeah think about that looks like there's a burning canoe in the background too what's up with that burning canoe it's not burning it kind of looks like it's burning it's got all the ships dude the women are here on the island you guys aren't going anywhere trying to get those women women naked and timid dude I think that water is something from her you think she's gushing bro you think she's sopping well man that would be the first time anyone's ever interpreted that I think there's been a lot of interpretations I think that lady's gushing since 1820 you're the first guy to go I think that creek is coming out of the woman congratulations you're the dumbest guy who's ever seen this painting dogs have looked at that painting and understood that that was a body of water.

22:40Shane Gillis:It's just juices. I would like to take you to an art museum. Just have you look at paintings. That would be nice. See, Le Maire's interpretation of art. True. Yeah, this thing, what do you think about that? I think it's dumb as hell. You don't like that? No, I don't like it. What do you think about the one behind you? I like these two the most. I like that the most. Yeah, I think sick as hell. That one's my favorite. That one's my second favorite. I usually would put that behind guests. It was just nice to have. The rainbow imagery is confusing, though. Why? Especially in this day and age. Harboring what's to come?

23:15Shane Gillis:Never mind. Resurrection? What the fuck are you talking about? Never mind. Storm has passed. Sean, first of all, that's the most heterosexual rainbow you'll ever see. It's basically gray. True. You're trying to hit me with that stuff. Eh, forgive me. It's okay. Oh, dude. I'm talking out of my balls. Obviously, I will, Sean. I'm not going to forgive you right now. Thank you. People forget, man. The all shall not judge is also a commandment. That's right. Not judging by saying that. I've been on Substack lately. Dude, I'm trying to replace Substack with any social media scrolling, and I pretty much have done it.

23:50Shane Gillis:It's so tight. Substack? Just random people? Random people, articles. I read a lady. I didn't read the whole thing. I read the paragraph and just kind of started laughing at myself. So just longer Twitter posts. Yes. Well, proofread. but it was a lady being like basically like why is everyone telling us to not want so much if i want to be touched if i want to eat and it's just like dude okay like sick take it's like i want to have sex more and eat more it's like obviously dude everybody that's everybody in the world but clearly if you follow that logic you know you'd be a fat slut i want to be literally why is it so wrong fat horse so you're a giant fatty whore literally that'd be you that'd be you you'd be naked in the woods surrounded by food being like uh maybe this was a bit it was just a funny take to be like everyone's holding women back telling us we shouldn't want so much it's like yeah that's we've been talking about this for thousands of years yeah what are you talking god we're doing that if we weren't doing that it'd be a disaster yeah every dude wasn't like don't be a slut why are you wearing that every girl would be in a they'd be dressed like kanye's wife like why this is what i like to wear i actually i i i think the women and again i i'm not going to talk about like porn pmo or whatever but i think the the carb now because i've been going to this one gym in austin and it's like dude it's unbelievable like front and back wedgies a spandex that cup the butt cheeks as small as a sports bra.

25:21Yeah, that new spandex is crazy. It's got like a thong.

25:24Shane Gillis:Yes, literally built into it. And it's like, I do think it's like, so the question would be, why do women, like, why is it escalating to the point where it's like, it's almost Bianca Sensori or whatever, Bianca Sensori, that's not going to be that crazy. Yeah. If it doesn't, you know, if the trend doesn't reverse. And it is, it's good and bright. My mom better not start. Oh my goodness. I can't own my mom's Bianca Sensori. Oh my goodness. It's goon brain, dude. I think they need to stimulate past the goon brain, the hardening callousness of, you know. I'm going to stick with coach's polos and gym shorts.

25:59Well, obviously. Bro, I've been rocking this coach's polo for 15 years.

26:02Shane Gillis:Yeah, you're doing the right thing. Do you understand that? Imagine if you started hot dogging out here, dude. If you're dressed like Bruno. There was a guy that Jim dressed like Bruno, dude. He had for real a leotard. That's the one fucking tank top I bought. Oh, yeah. we did a leotone stick it out the front was thin my two tits sticking out i was like i'm never gonna wear this the rock designed it i had a tank top yesterday i was actually the rock DJ my nipples are i got called out yesterday for my nipples popping out of a tank my daughter's for some reason like really monitor if my nipples pop it like dad your nipple's showing i'm like all right bro i was in the emergency room last night because my it's wasn't that serious she got a giant splinter and we couldn't get it out of her foot it was like a fucking exorcism she was just like so i was like we'll get we'll tell you the er and they'll like numb it and whatever and uh i was just at the thing they were just like the whole time like dad your nipples are out i'm like i'm talking to the doctor you guys shut the fuck up shut the fuck up right now trying to get out of here we had pizza on the way you still had to adjust it oh dude i was talking to me like yeah all right i literally would put my nipple away and be like you guys fucking stretch my shirts out that's why my nipples stick out so i'm fucking putting your arm down my shirt yeah it was a nightmare we were leaving we left the pool we got rained out of the pool went to the playground they're like we need shoes i'm like yes i need fucking shoes we're on mulch who cares and just caught a mulch to the foot dude it was a splinter was like for real it wasn't even a splinter it was a chunk of wood was in her foot and yeah we like held her down try to get her out and the guy actually took a um like a needle and he dug it was we tried tweezers didn't work so we had to use a syringe and like dig in and pop it up it was they have cream now they can numb like the spot before they give you like a shot basically they put a patch on you i was like bro give me that i'm gonna start putting that on myself when i get needles i hate what they haven't they i'm like why don't you guys give this to everybody dude that's when you get needles you're trying to say i'm on roys bro just wondering i dude i'm not saying i got my blood drawn i'm not juiced at all what are you talking about man when i'm a psycho for this You're wearing a shark tooth necklace, dude.

28:05Obviously, you're wearing a shark tooth. That's the telltale sign of being juiced up. Step one, shark tooth. I promise I'm not on the date. You got a cut on your head. You're the liver king, dude. You're fucked up.

28:23Shane Gillis:Sorry, I've been training. I've just been training ourselves. We're going to bookend it with love. We're going to mosh pit in the middle. I've watched every single video. I've watched 20 hours of Deliver King. I wanted to get him on. Dude, you called it. I was like, we got to get him on. You're like, I don't know, man. He's a loose cannon, man. Yeah, he is. He's a loose cannon. I don't want him coming for our families next. That'd be terrible. He's not going to kill you, though. You've got a family. He wouldn't take you away from them. Is that what his defense was? Yeah, he's not trying to kill anybody.

28:53That checks out, then. He wants to deliver a box to the comedy club.

28:56Shane Gillis:That's what he got arrested for. They're like, it's a bomb. No, because I was wondering, too. I'm like, all right, he's making weird videos. Why'd they arrest him? There was one where it was like very dark and threatening. He's doing bear crawls up and down the hallway of the Four Seasons being like, Joe Rogan. But no, there was one like something about like, I can't wait to meet your family or something. It was like open-ended and very threatening. I was like, okay, never mind. I can see why they fucking, I would not want that guy on my ass. If that guy was on my fucking ass. That'd be a tough one to have on your ass.

29:24Shane Gillis:It's the toughest. Who the fuck else would be? Joe Rogan. To have him on your ass or something. God damn, dude. If Joe Borgen was like, I'm going to fucking get your ass, he'd be like, oh, shit. That's true. That would suck. If Joe Borgen was doing bear crawls in a hallway, he'd be like, I'm going to fucking kill you. I mean, I will say I was disappointed because the jiu-jitsu match would have been so tight. Yeah, that's a shitty fair one. Don't want him. It would have been crazy. It would have been sad. But that's what Leverking was kind of asking for. He was mad. He was mad dog. He was like, break every bone in my body.

29:56He wanted a warrior's death.

29:57Shane Gillis:He did. He wanted a warrior's death. I kind of, I don't know, it's so funny to be like, beat my ass for my fucking family, I need this. Joe Parker. Morgan. The pay-per-view would have been crazy, bro. The pay-per-view would have went. Joe Rogan versus the Holy Trinity. Leverking 3.0. Is that what he is? He's the Holy Trinity. Have you watched all? You got to watch all. It's fucking incredible. I got to watch it. It's the same. He says the same thing over and over again on repeat. What does he say? Pound and lock it down.

30:29I don't know. Billy knows everything. He's just repeating it over and over again. At one point, he does an Instagram Live with a jug of coffee and an enema. Yeah, I saw that one. A tube going from the jug into his ass, and he's in the shower like, oh, just hanging out. Like, bro. That was the only one I saw. He was doing a coffee enema. Yeah. He does a coffee enema.

30:50Shane Gillis:I did one of those myself indirectly today. No, I just drank a ton of coffee, went for a walk, and just fucking blasted. You're the king. That's it. I haven't taken creatine in a week, bro. It was the creatine was pumping me up. I've been on the team pretty hard. Boss, but

31:09Shane Gillis:I'm not. I think you guys are just fucking sorry. I'm not that jacked, bro. You're pretty jacked. I take my men's warehouse pictures, right? Yes, they are. So good. So when I'm hosting the Espes, you got to do like promo for it. They put me in a tuxedo and I'm like, I can't do a photo shoot it's the most uncomfortable so uncomfortable they try to make you do stuff they get you at the mothership they'll be like just lean against the wall I've I've escaped all mothership photos good that's a good moment the man came up with the best pose when they do that what do you do they go like this

31:45yeah I hate cool photos dude please don't ever take my picture yeah cool photos he does he's nice about it that's cool he doesn't do it

31:52Shane Gillis:I don't mind a regular shot Just like, hey, smile, candid. But they're like, we need to get the wall. They're posting too much. Yeah. It's the same fucking five people every single day. You go, hey, look at Tony again. He took a fucking tough one the other day. What happened? They hit him with the gayest photo possible. God damn it. What did they get him with? He was like right behind the stage. But he had like a hand on a railing. No. It was a tough one. Why'd they put that up? Because I think, is it Hassan who does it? Yeah. There's a little hateful fuck. Somebody running it, he finds wherever you look fattest and he posts it.

32:28Got Tommy. Tommy. He's got several of Tommy where Tommy looks like he's 250 pounds. That's crazy. Got you too? I get got to pretty bad.

32:37Shane Gillis:Hitting you guys with the fat Italian filter? Yes. With the pizza man filter. Tommy looks like the guy that holds up the pizza box. Yeah, it was... They got to suss that out. There was some... I don't want to fuck with anybody's money because somebody's making money on taking these pictures every day it is nice having the photog I will say sometimes you get a nice one I use those for flyers and shit pro photos man you can just rip those things it is useful to have as well as the video recordings you can do that too this is an advertisement from BetterHelp the help with the better I've been so stressed with everything that is stressing me out at work.

33:22Yeah. It's been stressful.

33:24Shane Gillis:Why has it been stressful for you? There's just something going on in my personal life that's causing me anxiety. Crap. Lately, Matt has been stressing me out. I thought this person has been stressing about. Lately, Matt has been stressing me out. I've been calling you, telling you about all my intrusive gay thoughts, and it's just like, you're like, Matt, I can't handle this right now, Matt. Anyway, stress is a real problem in the workplace. It's one of the top causes of declining mental health right now. So it's probably a good idea that we all take a nice long break this summer to de-stress and recoup.

34:03You know?

34:04Shane Gillis:I like that. And if you want to go the extra mile and really start taking care of you, schedule a therapy session. I'm a big fan of therapy. Yeah. It has taught me to feel comfortable. My parents sent me to a camp when I was little, and they caught me with a muscle magazine.

34:20and they've been now you're like everyone can benefit whether you're stressed about uh deadlines or working through a major trauma matt what's a major trauma you've had oh man um

34:32Shane Gillis:let me think about one my brothers used to like beat me up and stuff that that's not major i wouldn't say i was major but i don't know maybe you should go talk to somebody about that i should actually.

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35:13Shane Gillis:I kind of use it like chat roulette. Our listeners, our listeners, Matt, you're not gonna believe this. Our listeners get 10 % off their first month at betterhelp.com slash MSSP. That's better. H-E-L-P dot com slash MSSP. Hey guys. Hey, real quick. I just wanted to tell you, uh, I have a big show coming up in Atlantic city. It's in ocean casino, Atlantic city, August 18th. The tickets are on my website, mattmccusker.com. Could be the biggest show of my life. And I'll be in the area at the beach for that week, which will be pretty sick and brilliant. But, guys, please come to the show. This is going to be a huge one.

35:51Shane Gillis:And, you know, if I fail to sell tickets, I'll be pretty bucked up. So please, please, please, please, please, please come. Ocean Casino, August 18th. It'll be a good time. No, it's not 16th. it's 18th man check your phone fool what is it august 16th is it the 16th yeah it's august 16th now i'm gonna break her off just for being a good girl guys thank you so much please august 16th my bad it is august 16th not august 18th thank you guys atlantic city please come i'm gonna try to do a bunch of new stuff come on how's your uh how's your taping dude it was so sick yeah such a pressure cooker man i i brought my whole family with me like a fucking dumb ass insane move crazy fucking move dude brought wife obviously you know i'm not gonna get into detail but it was like the unfun half of the month going on there we brought our babies brought a babysitter with us times two so i was rocking with my wife got sick right away so i had a sick wife it was hell obviously it was crazy yeah you're sick my wife has a huge weekend for me oh i'm sick and mean oh all right this is the most important weekend of my life well my stomach hurts she had like 101 fever dude she had a 101 just rock is in there just like oh good luck i'm like jesus christ yeah it was but then she came she champed it came out to the one show too you were so mellow the whole time bro i had i was more i was more nervous than you i was going to freak yeah i was freaking out leading up to it i told you when i freaked out Dude, it's fucking three days before.

37:34Freak out.

37:35Shane Gillis:It was. Yeah, true. It was actually I'm happy. I kind of did. I actually connected to some sort of normal feelings, but I was like just sitting there in my office being like, should I switch this to the third person? I'm going to change all my jokes. I've been trying to write for like nine years. Oh, dude, that'd be sick going third person. And then he saw his wife. I just had like, and I was like, wait a second, I have to prepare for this special and I haven't performed in three weeks and i was like what the fuck am i doing and i just literally walked to nando's and just got wings and i knew i wasn't hungry i was like i'm eating for comfort i'm following my path i literally did my absolute i literally did i was completely i gotta change everything you know what i'm gonna eat wings i'm good i texted you right away i was like it made me laugh i sat on the thing and i was like this is exactly what he does and i just i was eating them outside in the heat and just sweat stinging my eyes and i just as i got more full i was like i feel okay now yeah you gotta get sick and hot and then you go yeah i'm ready to go on stage and i felt much better and then i like you know got it together but i was still nervous because i had to do shows at the hollywood improv of course they're like uncomfortable they're gonna bring there's like a small room like we're gonna bring a bunch of people out from the industry i'm like oh great thanks great haven't you know uh i've done i at least got to perform at the mothership i ran it i was like all right i still remember it that's good did the improv it was cool and then But yeah, then the taping, dude, I was like, first night, I was like freaking, and I kept flubbing lines.

39:01Shane Gillis:The sets were fine. I kept flubbing lines. You probably weren't flubbing them. I was flubbing them, bro. It's all in your head. That's what they said. It's a slight fuck up, and in your head, you're like, fuck. At one point, I literally, it was kind of funny. I was like, fuck, start over. And it was fun. But one, I did flub so bad. A couple I did. But then, so the first night, they were like, yeah, it's good. We got it. And I was like, I didn't love any of the sets. I was like, fine enough. and then the second night leading up to it i literally cracked my head on a camera dude and you know it was funny though because i was like going in the second night the whole thing especially when it's like i don't know if you ever dealt with this when like you see the whole camera setup and you're like all these people here to film me you're like i'm gonna fucking blow it dude yeah it's like just bugging out i was like i'm in over my head fuck but then when i hit my head they were like just trying to fix it it was like literally uh bleeding wounds They had to put liquid bandage on it and just cover it with makeup.

39:56Shane Gillis:You should have kept the blood. Just occasionally have an edit where your face... I would have been kind of sick. That would have been awesome. Especially because it would kind of play with the intro too. The one thing I want to do is put myself in the audience. That would be nasty. Like over and over again, laughing. Just in different outfits. That's so funny. Why don't you do that? That's awesome. That's so funny. That's so good. Maybe this one. If this one's not good, I'll do something weird. AI the audience. It's just you. I'll do something goofy. Drew, that's what I had to do. No, that's not true.

40:31Shane Gillis:Dude, the second night is like, all right, you have to nail it this night. Like all this fucking hoopla to film it. And then I was sitting backstage and just the fact that I'd cracked my head on a camera was like weirdly reassuring. I was like, dude, you're literally a dumbass. Like, yeah, stop worrying about anything. You're a fucking just a dumb moron. it cracks your head the day before I was like doing jumps too just for like all it takes I was like jumping off the stage clearing trying to like clear people at a table I was out high on it they were really big jumps you're fucking on road you're doing crazy shit you jumped so far too it was so far you gotta stop you get twisted ankle you ruin the whole thing I was like I don't care I'm gonna jump as high as I can I wanna break every bone in front of my family

41:25destroy me in front of my family honor

41:30Shane Gillis:it turned out good so i was happy but it was uh it was funny it was such a dumb epiphany like i was a fucking moron like i gotta i can't i can't even try to pretend to you know take this seriously yeah or myself whatsoever like do i really have what it takes it's like no you're moron dude just go just do your stupid thing all these cameras when i filmed the netflix special they have the big one on the like the crane my whole first hour i was just

42:03scared at it the entire it would fly through the air so i'd be like this has to be ruining the show for anybody anybody around this

42:14Shane Gillis:my second night i had a giant white like a spackle patch on my forehead yeah because he got red but the makeup was his original skin it was just bright white right now go to like make facial expressions it would just be a smooth circle it was so funny the the movie i was just filming i the director would be like find the lens look into the lens when you say a line I didn't know he meant like near the lens. I spent three days going, hey. He didn't catch it. He didn't catch it. So I might not be in this movie. Every scene I'm going, but what do we do now? Like it was SNL. I was directly into the lens every single day.

43:00And then.

43:00Shane Gillis:Dude, they can just edit your eyes now. The fucking shit now. The effects are crazy. I eventually like day four of staring into the lens. I was like, when you say at the, he's like, no, don't look into the lens. I was like, I got bad news for you. Every scene. They're going to AI your eyes where they're just kind of like this way.

43:31Shane Gillis:That's what they have to do. I think they're going to have to use editing to make it look like it doesn't have a giant face. The second one looks better, though, I thought. It did, but it was still a purple bruise on my head that wasn't there the first night. Yeah, if I put makeup on, they never get my ears or my neck. It's just dark red, and my face is white. I look like a Japanese lady. Your ears are just crimson. Dark red. Yeah, man, it was sick. It was a lot of fun. that was so but i'm i'm fucking a wife dude i'm dead it was a whole week we did a whole week out there and i would just get woken up at like seven o 'clock by my kids so i'd be out doing that wake up early i was running on literally fumes the whole time i was like i was the whole time i'm like i'm such a fucking idiot this is the worst way you can possibly do this it was our airbnb was filthy the second one yes it was a frat house dude oh no it was disgusting i got like a cold from it i think because they had air pure the place dude they didn't clean it like they there There was like cans next to one of the beds, just like wine coolers and a pack of peanut M &Ms just laying there.

44:34Shane Gillis:It was like, dude, I get it if you don't hit all the nooks and crannies, but you guys don't even look. Dude, we bought the house my family and I bought in the Poconos. It was filled with trash. Was it really? Yeah. I lifted up the couch. There were like beer cans and condoms and shit. I was like, what the fuck is this? Oh, they're probably Planet Poconos strippers too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This was for real bachelor party heaven. It was like just filthy. it had a cool stereo room with like just like like spencer's gift card lights it was like so fucking dumb hopefully and it was that would be dumb wouldn't it i mean the family for the family i was vibing in there but i like if you walk around your bare feet your bottom your feet would be black like it was disgusting they had air purifier they didn't do anything but they did have air purifiers everywhere so i was like they got mold they must have mold in this fucking place No, brother.

45:24Shane Gillis:It sucked. But other than that, it was pretty good. At least your balls don't hurt. Yeah. Yeah, true. At least you don't have epididymitis. Have you been grumpy about it? Not particularly. You haven't lashed out at your partner? No, not at my partner. This morning, I was more so just ashamed of myself. I was kind of, yeah, I did a little lash out this morning. Why'd you make me upset with your vagina? Yeah, how dare you? You should blame her for it. Okay. You should start, you know, did you ever see the movie? What's going on with you? It's your fault. What happened to you? to me. What the fuck do you do to me?

45:55I was saying this, that the same urgent care that I got diagnosed with epididymitis at was the one that I got my rectal abscess treated at. So I've gone to this urgent care with just butthole and nutsack problems and they probably think I'm a fucking freak. Especially when they see a giant dick. They think I'm a gay freak. They got that big clipboard.

46:21Shane Gillis:They're just going, we got a case of freak himself. Freak bull. Freak bull. He's that weird guy with the huge dick again. The huge dick and the asshole. His asshole is wrecked again. His asshole is like Rainbow Road from Mario Kart. Defies the laws of gravity. I told you guys about that right when I was screaming in their urgent care when they lanced my abscess. No. They gave me like five shots of numbing, which is what I thought about when you said the patch. I wish they would have just done that. Because that was the most painful. It was on the lump in my butthole. They jabbed it. sorry if this is gross but they jabbed it with a bunch of needles and I was screaming like as loud and uncontrollable as loud as I could

47:09what a 10 it's a 10 it was a 10 it's like a 10 that was a 10 no I was going fuck fuck I was screaming fuck that dude that's terrible I'd rather die you have to kill me if I have an abscess How many shots? It was really painful. I lost count. Probably like four or five. LaMare's ass. His pop down his own. It's probably my favorite. It's my favorite thing that's ever happened. I had to. Bubble? His bubble exploding and stinking up an entire urgent care. His ass fucking bubble exploded. Oh, my God. I would fucking hate you. If I was in that room, I would fucking, I'd still hate you.

47:49Shane Gillis:That'd be a nice episode of House. I would think about it every day. House of house come in some black guys. That's a black ass explosion. Guys. We were right.

48:09I got the bus down all right now.

48:22who would have thought that this lifestyle would lead us to severe health issues i did have kind

48:27Shane Gillis:of a panic attack in my car i haven't microdosed in a while and it hit me this morning like a ton of bricks i was driving over here and like my pinky was touching my ring finger i just didn't like it i was like i don't like the way my pinky feels on my ring finger i guess that bothers me now that you mentioned it was killing me yeah that would bother me i was like my hands started feeling fuzzy i was like i'm gonna die fuck this sucks i finally overdid it the cali weed was freaking me out yeah after the first night of your taping i was like dude everybody fucking oh yeah i was so high after maybe the thursday show i think yeah and there's there's like a mall so there's a bunch of hotels and we just stopped at a hotel and i was so high i was like all right see you matt and i got out i just smoked a cigarette out front of it for like five ten minutes before i realized that i was in the wrong place i was driving away being like dude i can't believe i navigated right back to the right hotel i didn't even use my phone i was like that was pretty good and he called i was at a light and he called me like dude i'm at the wrong hotel i was like fuck being fucked up and trying to get into a hotel is i've done it 10 000 times every check in i'll be like i left my key in my room how's you guys night going the one was the worst one was i was in a k-hole oh yeah oh yeah yeah i was like i can't move i gotta sit in the lobby i can't walk oh no and then kreischer showed up and was like, you can walk.

49:50And just, I easily could walk. I could have walked the whole time. I sat in the lobby like.

49:56Shane Gillis:He might be the best person in the world and be like, you can walk to a Cade. I'll trust you. I've been 40 Cade long. I'll trust you. Get up, Shane. Yeah, go to the wrong. Get up. You can do it. He might be the blue knight, dude. He could be the blue knight. He could. God, didn't he? That's so funny. He was like, you just laid there? Yeah, I was sitting in a chair in the lobby in front of the desk. Everyone was just kind of like, this guy's chilling. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah, it's basically a homeless guy. Just came in and sat. And everyone was like, all right, I guess he's doing something. Sat there for at least an hour.

50:32Shane Gillis:Did you try to like, I guess you went on your phone. What did you do? No, I was literally on ketamine. Oh, you were fucked. For an hour.

50:44Were you drinking all the ketamine too? I needed help.

50:46Shane Gillis:Yeah. Oh, man. yeah that's a heavy depressant depressant it's pretty nice it went away it went away quick literally as soon as he was like you can walk I was like oh alright turns out I can sick yeah I've heard of people thinking they were doing like coke and it turns out it's ketamine and just being like what the fuck you would have to do a pretty it was liquid they said they thought it was liquid cocaine that's what I had the nasal spread the prescription nasal ketamine Yeah. How do you get your hands on that? Like, what's it prescribed for? I don't know. You can get it online, dude. You can get, like...

51:25Yeah, you can get ketamine pretty easy, I think. Yeah. Through a doctor. Interesting.

51:29Shane Gillis:Verified. You can get lozenges. You can get, like... I never did it. It's... Sounds kind of fun. I can get it for you if you want, Sean. It's not that fun. Stick to blow. All right. If you say so. If you say so. Fine, I guess I have to now. It's either this or ketamine, so... I had to do one. Sure, you got to stick to the company culture. We don't want internal problems. Okay. Sean, just come to our attention. You've stopped doing cocaine. Sean, you've been sober for a week? We need to talk about this. We don't like that. Lamise got to witness me and the Ocon man have a true battle. Do you want to step in, Lamise?

52:09Yeah, let's get Lamise in here for this.

52:11Shane Gillis:May I pee real quick? Yeah. Right back. I'll just hold it down. Not motherfucker. Hold down the arc. This doesn't even plug in anything. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Matt, what were you finally able to save for thanks to Rocket Money, the automatic savings, vacation bowl? Can I tell you something? I had a surprise charge story. Really? Crazy surprise charge. Those lying cam girls? No, actually. It's funny enough. It had nothing to do with that. I was going through my, which one we call it? I have a joint credit card with my wife, and we're going over the monthly charges, and it was like a shock.

52:46Shane Gillis:Someone had, I think, frauded us, and I had to charge for the Bangkok massage down by the airport. Son of a bitch. It was fucking bullshit. $160. I mean, and also, that's a tough one for you to have to. I know. That was not me. I said, babe, what the hell? I'm so surprised by this. This is fraudulent, suspicious activity. Rocket Money involved. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Guys, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash MSSP.

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54:26Hey, man. Hello. How are you? I'm good, dude. I'm feeling all right. I feel pretty good. yeah slept nice i had a nice sleep myself yeah i slept like 10 hours oh that's beast fucking great 10 hours is good yeah and i woke up like right when i had to wake up yeah you know what i mean yeah it wasn't like an alarm i did have an alarm no i woke up before the alarm but it was usually i wake up and i'm like fuck it's so early a check it's like 8 a.m 7 a.m yeah 10 a.m today Perfect. Perfect. Dude, that going back to sleep when you wake up early is the worst. It's the most risky sleep in the world. It is because you feel good the first time when you wake up when it's early.

55:10You go, I'm actually, I could get up now if I wanted, but I might as well sleep for three more hours. Then you sleep for three hours. You wake up like, oh, shit. I don't know why I do that. Man. You're talking about that at the bar, the hangover sleep? That shit rocks. Yeah. When you wake up at fucking nine and you're like, I'm so hungover, and then you sleep until one and you go, I got away with that. I can't believe I got away with that one. The Ocon Man must be dead. He must literally be dead. I didn't know how bad he was. Me and the Ocon Man argued for seven hours. Oh, God. Straight. seven hours straight.

55:58Shane Gillis:Was it like Iran stuff kind of? It was everything. But it just kept going back to Donald Trump's giant piece of shit. And we were screaming, arguing. Every time he would say something, I'd be like, we can look that up. And I guarantee you. It happened like five different times where he said something. And then I would look it up and go, this didn't happen. And he would go, that's not what I meant. And then he would change the argument. It was crazy. The one I remember was, he was like, popular vote means winning 50%. Yeah, more than 50%. Yeah, more than 50%. I was like, no, it doesn't. Popular vote's just the total vote.

56:33He was like, no, it's not. I didn't know that either. Then you pulled it up. Yeah, Trump won the popular vote. Yeah. The Republican won the popular vote for the first time in forever.

56:42Shane Gillis:I thought it was like a landslide, the last one. For a Republican, that was a landslide, yeah. It was about two minutes. But it was nice to look up and go, see? And he was like. Dude's the best feeling in the world. Googling something in the middle of an argument. Kind of the reverse happened to me and him before when I fell down in the airport at JFK. We're having a long argument. I ended up falling down. I lost the argument. Yeah, true. This time it was Chris. So we're sitting there for so long arguing. And I was like, man, Chris is fucking. At one point I had to be like, watch how you're talking to me.

57:13This is crazy. He was screaming. He did say, all right, my bad on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

57:18Shane Gillis:It was full. And then LaMere agreed with me on something. And he was like, of course, you fucking suck his fucking dick. Fucking ball wash him. It was like, LeMaire never does that. LeMaire disagrees with everything I say. He literally does. Yeah, he's a cocksucker. But he was like mad at LeMaire, then he got mad, then he stood up and fell over a chair. He kept his balance, but as soon as he stood up, I was like, oh, all right. Yeah, and then he came back and called me. I was like, I forgive you. And then he called me for way too long, and he kept talking to me. What do you call you for? Well, Nate sold us out.

57:54Nate sold us out, yeah. Nate sold us out, and then you left LeMaire in a very uncomfortable spot. If LeMaire's here, if LeMaire's around me without you guys, it's very weird. What happens? He's just as quiet, and when he lived with me, he would just walk through the house. Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, Shane. I don't want to activate you.

58:15Yeah, you were around with some tough ones. I'd be hungover. I'd be like, get the fuck out of my house.

58:23he's so quiet around oh great you again what the fuck dude keep thinking about the plane uh the plane that was one getting drunk on the plane to be like whatever yeah on the way there you're you know terrified of flying you're sober way back you four drinks you're like kill me kill me right now i'll beat god's ass for this right when i get to the pearly gates i'm sprinting into his house. You motherfucker. You're gonna fucking kill me in a plane. You fucking jerk. I was doing stuff. We were talking about getting the pearly gates and St. Peter being like, oh, Shane Gillis and looks like he inside of here.

59:01Just fuck. Shut the fuck up, dude.

59:09God lives in a townhouse. He's running through his screen door while he's watching TV. Just. you fucking bitch why'd you kill me on a plane

59:21Shane Gillis:what if you went there and he's like Shane you are my strongest angel he's like yeah I figured yeah that's why I would beat the shit out of St. Peter like that

59:31the fuck dude yeah St. Peter's kind of excuse my French Lord a bitch whoa whoa what the fuck are you talking about you're talking about the rock of the church yeah what the hell are you talking about I mean dude the rock of the church is Jesus but like you know That's my idea.

59:44Shane Gillis:No. Jesus is the fucking church. Jesus is the body of the church. Peter's the rock. Peter's the rock that it's built upon. Yeah. Come on, man. It's not as sophisticated as Paul, but his actions. Peter lied. Or Peter fucking. Peter denied him. What would you have done, dude? You're about to get crucified upside down, man. I don't even know that fucking guy.

1:00:04Dude, the imminent threat. Everyone's just like, oh, all right. We saw you hanging out with him every day. Nah. I hated him, too.

1:00:12Shane Gillis:I'm Judas I've been reading about the desert fathers Did you ever get down with those guys? No Dude there was these guys in like I think the 4th century Who once I think Constantine was a guy Who like made it the Roman You know Roman Catholic Church or whatever The official religion There were these guys that were just already Catholics Or Christians that were like fuck this They were like this is not good They just went to the desert Got mainstream I like the old testament all these new fans suck yeah for real they're like sell out and then they went out also they knew because I think the guy was like using it for battles he was like I saw you know he saw the sun split into a silver cross and he had the dream these guys that were like I guess like you know hermits or like in a monastery were like fuck this is not what we're doing here what the hell we're not we're not supposed to use our stuff for Roman battles like god damn it they just went to the desert and they just like I shouldn't talk about punching God he knows you're kidding he knows I'm joking he knows you do it all now but now I'm definitely going to die in a fucking plane crash nah he knows fuck it's going to be so scary that would be it's going to be so scary God is in a townhouse God's going to be like you think you're beating me up motherfucking show up then pull up then you are going to start over from the beginning of evolution now jerk God's sending me a show like this smashing the button you're going to get a call like Shane how do you feel about doing a show this weekend actually

1:01:40Shane Gillis:yeah there was uh they just went to the desert and just fucking they were asking me to go to the middle east soon what where why uh saudi arabia and uae or dubai dubai i think i'm gonna pass yeah for the true is it for the troops not for the troops it's for the saudis for the saudi princes yeah and everyone's like yeah you should do it everyone's doing it it's like for Saudis? Yeah. Weren't those the 9-11 guys? That's all I thought. Weren't they exactly the 9-11 guys? It was Iran, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it's all been Iran this whole time. Convenient. Fucking Iran. Hello, everybody. That concludes this week's regular episode.

1:02:28If you'd like to hear the rest, please join us on Patreon. patreon.com slash mssecretpod thank you have a great week

1:02:48Shane Gillis:feeling short on smiles does your frown need to be turned upside down we got the perfect dose of comedy 30 minutes of scrubs zach braff donald fazan sarah chalk and the rest of the gang at Sacred Heart are back for a brand new season. We play medical doctors who are besties. Just like in real life. And we'll definitely be up in each other's cases. Scrubs premieres Wednesday on ABC. And stream the next day on Hulu. Side effects may include laughing, cheering, and lots of high fives. Hello, Superman. Hello. Look what TJ Maxx dragged in. The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu.

1:03:26We are digital. We are downloadable. We are streamable. The fashion event of the year is certified fresh. Pull yourself together. We have work to do. Critics say it's smart and witty and the perfect sequel. That's all. Get runway ready for The Devil Wears Prada 2 on Disney Plus and Hulu. Rated PG-13.