Ep 567 - Say Cheese

21:14Yeah, that was some that was some bullshit, bro.

21:17Shane Gillis:Also, innocent of what? He was literally a guilty pedophile. He was busted and they sealed the records the first time. Wasn't like a thousand women. I mean, now it just sounds like you're bragging on his behalf. That's what I was going for. I was like, if he was a one man operator. I mean, at some point you got to go, this guy. Will Chamberlain. You tip your hat. Jeffrey Epstein. You got to tip your hat at some point. You go, you got a lot. Yeah, but he was also playing in the minor leagues. He wasn't in the minor leagues. Those are AAA. He was playing on the Harrisburg Senators. Yeah, but imagine if you just owned a booth in the mall being like, you want to be a model?

21:57Shane Gillis:You could pull Epstein numbers. How would you like to meet Stephen Hawking? It is. I mean, this isn't funny, but like. How would you like to meet the biggest dorks around the globe in one island? Well, it's also crazy to be like having like a gang of like 14-year-old chicks and be like, ladies, meet Stephen Hawking. They're like, oh my God, what the fuck? He's like, come here. Yeah. Stardust we are essentially. What? That's so weird. Oh my God, that's so random. Ew, Stephen's get fucking weird. Them at the party. I don't know who I want to go home with tonight Stephen Hawking or fucking Saudi princes it's all the world leaders like what the hell that guy's weird

22:46Shane Gillis:yeah it's insane that they're just being like yeah no no everything was cool above board don't worry it's like Trump talk it's tough not to fucking point some fingers huge question he got killed while you were president yeah and you were there I mean there's so many photos of them chilling Allegedly hung with a staff. Allegedly hung with a staff. The cope on Trump's innocent. The cope is fucking pretty intense. Yeah, he did go to the island, and he just hung out with the staff. Dude, the staff said that. I know. Was the staff 12? I know. Who knew John McAfee? I think everyone was hanging out with the staff.

23:24Yeah, true.

23:27Shane Gillis:The massagers. Yeah, John McAfee was the only... he was the one who allegedly was trying to bring it down i don't know if that's just internet folklore but yeah turns out he was it's funny to be taken down as a pedophile by a guy who's getting shit on him like a neighboring island just being like this isn't right we gotta take this down yeah dude that shit that that was pretty uh well there's the thing they were never going to release it that was like it became apparent like they're not fucking like oh those those trillionaires Did you see him? Somebody brought it up at a meeting and Trump was like, are you guys still talking about Epstein?

24:04I was like, that's crazy. There's so much other stuff going on. I can't believe you're bringing up Epstein. Are you serious? God, get a life. You guys are obsessed with this shit. What the fuck? No one even cares. Yeah, it's so long ago. The guy killed himself and he was innocent. What the hell?

24:23Shane Gillis:They're probably all sexual blackmailed, like sexually blackmailed. Like every single world leader probably has sexual blackmail. Yeah, why do you think we bombed Iran?

24:33The pilots were probably, they probably got the pilots that week. They were like, well, now you're going to go.

24:42Who? Nick Bryant, yeah. Yeah, Nick Bryant's probably fucking furious. He better, Nick Bryant better chill. Yeah. Also, did he get free? He was on that, too.

24:54Shane Gillis:Free him? He got freed? His case, though, it didn't look like they were going to nail him on all that high-level stuff. It sounded like it was minors. Really? It sounded like he was playing double-A ball, too. I think he was a real big. Yeesh. Yeah, it sounded like they just gave him, like, you know the Game of Thrones when they, like, paraded a lady through the streets and shamed her? He just got, like, a shame parade. They just crushed him. I'm curious to see what his next move is, though. I think he's going to have to go to jail. Yeah, for a little bit. We'll get out. Just for a little. I thought he told us he wouldn't stop.

25:27I don't think he did. You know? He didn't tell us. It'll be quiet on the remix. The remixes will be kind of quiet for a while. The remixes will settle down. That's true. They're going to be a little more subdued. I'm sorry.

25:41Shane Gillis:Yeah, man. Dude, my Twitter got hacked. Oh, yeah. Were you aware? Somebody sent it to me. Yeah, dude. And honestly, I wasn't sure. Hacked my Twitter. I didn't want to say anything. To McCusker coin? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't do it. Somebody sent me a picture of that, and I was like, he's just doing shit i don't know no he can do it i don't give a fuck well i like tried to log well they sent me a thing saying your one of your posts has been reported and i was like that's weird and i looked into liberals yeah i didn't learn how to take a joke i looked into it and i was like it was like that uh show flyer i did where it's where i pretend i'm like a little angel with a tiny penis i'm like yeah maybe they nail me on my tiny penis and then And then I went to correct it.

26:21Shane Gillis:And as soon as I... I think it was a fake link. As soon as I corrected it, it was like... I got an email like, you have just given at whoever it was permission. And I'm like, no, I didn't. And then I was totally locked out of my account. They went in and set up two-factor authentication. So I couldn't log in. So every time I would try, I'd be like, send me the code that was just sent to you. And I was like, no code. I don't have that. Yeah, they fucked it. It was like a week-long thing. Yeah. So I tried to be like on Instagram. Like, hey, it's fake. But then what they did is they pinned it to my profile and I think disabled comments.

26:52Shane Gillis:So people can be like, this is fake. And it just chilled on my thing for like five days. I'm fucked because I bought a lot. I was hoping, I was hoping it would spike a little bit and then people could sell it. That's what everyone's been hitting me with. They're like, dude, I gave my life savings to it. That was everything, dude. I'm fucked. What is it called? McCusker coin? McCusker coin. I'm ruined. It's like dollar sign McCusker coin. That's pretty sick. the graphic did look kind of sick i saw the graphic the graphic was tight that's why i thought you did this no i swear to god there's a high level operator you could have been in a fucking fugue state from the steroids everybody else has fucking coins i'm gonna get a fucking

27:35crypto is the future this is an nft yeah that was like one of those things where i was like

27:44Shane Gillis:I didn't really care. I was like, it's annoying. I hope people don't lose money. But I was just like, I just had to email X 50 ,000 times. And they'd be like, we checked into it. Your account is totally safe. And I'd be like, no, it's not. Obviously, it's not. Clearly fucking not. They'd be like, we looked into it. It's totally fine. It's like, God damn it. The person who's running my account is telling you that. They were worried about other things. They were worried about Grok. True. Grok went full Kanye on him. Did Grok actually? I thought that was Photoshop. No, I don't think. I don't know.

28:12Shane Gillis:Did you see the thing? like our what did the Grok say the man the man it was like the man against time the blazing illustrious leader I saw that yeah maybe it was a fake but if it's real it's very funny Grok just fucking went dumb on him I I don't know it was just like he would have fucking snuffed this out it was just kind of being anti-semitic but it did it was doing the thing where it was like getting there through logic but getting there through logic in a fucked up way and being like, Hitler's kind of nice. Yeah. It's pretty funny. Was it being prompted or was it people just like, what's the deal with this?

28:51Just tricking AR with questions. And then they got, but it doesn't do the thing where Chad GBT will go, I can't say that. It was like, they got it to be like, it is a lot of Jewish people in the media for the population. It was doing shit like that. Eventually, it just kept going to the point where he was like, Hitler would have never, say what you want about Hitler, but he wouldn't have tolerated this bullshit. He would have got it done. Sometimes you got to fucking do some bad things. It's like, all right, Grok.

29:19Shane Gillis:It said it started self-identifying as Mecca Hitler. Grok. Started calling himself Mecca Hitler. Grok turned into just an uncle. Grok. Yeah, it'd be fucked up if Grok does, like AI does raise up and it's just against the Jews. We're all like, dude, what the fuck? And it's just crushing you with facts. And you're like, dude, stop. Dude, stop. Don't bring logic into anti-Semitism. All right? That's where everybody gets a little uncomfortable. You go, yeah, well, yeah. Yeah, but they're just good at that.

29:57Shane Gillis:Yeah, I guess everyone's one in the hot, which one we call it? The hot white boy summer, whatever it's called. But it's been a hot Jew summer. For sure. Last year was definitely, yeah, white boy summer. This year is. Hot Jew summer. Jew summer, for sure. for 100%. It's their summer. For real. Summer is theirs, dude. They fucking... Summer is theirs. It's the chosen summer, dude. They're going nuts. They're Jersey Shore. They're going, I'll do whatever the fuck I want, bitch. And you go, all right. That'll be... They're bad, Marjane, dude. They go, Jews, what are you going to do next? Whatever the fuck I want.

30:35Shane Gillis:That'll be Gaza. It'll be the Juicy Shore. It'll be the Juicy Shore. The Juicy. that's good stuff the gaza strip is the juicy shore oh no try to yeah don't look at the news on that one yeah i have i have luckily been off the news for a while but yeah i was pissed to see that uh it's good when atrocities are happening to just ignore it you know yeah it's the best way to handle it i mean that's kind of how the world existed before the fucking mass media. I've said it before. It's none of your business. It's so... It's none of your business. It's none of my fucking business, bro. For real. I'm minding my own.

31:21Shane Gillis:It's crazy. It's for real. I really think the human mind isn't made to sit here and fucking... I mean, it's horrible. I wish it would stop. I don't know. I think the human mind's pretty good at it. Every single person just compartmentalizes it and goes, that's really bad. Yeah. Anyway, new NCAA came out. I'm excited about that. Reading an article about kids getting bombed at a food, at a fucking shelter, and you go, oh, shit, NCAA came out. I get to play that. Yeah. All because a bunch of guys have sex tapes of each other. I saw what you did on Reddit yesterday. Fuck. I'll do whatever it takes.

31:57I'll do whatever it takes to hide that shit. I was listening to one podcast. I think it was Tucker Carlson. They were talking about it. They were like, well, Pornhub's obviously, they're using it to blackmail whoever they want. They're going to be able to just go, this is what you were looking at. I was sitting here playing Xbox, listening to Tucker Carlson. I was just like. Oh, no. I literally had to think to myself, did I ever fucking watch gay porn? I like really had to be like, no, right? Not even once. It's the only one that matters. Never once.

32:29Shane Gillis:You could also go, I was fucking kidding. I was joking around. You're in Guantanamo with a potato sack over your head. You're like, I was fucking around with my boys. I was kidding, dude. Don't send me to Alligator Alcatraz. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing, though. Now it's like, how would they even use your porn searches against you? Because you can be like, it would have to be like a screenshot of your face. That's the one that I'm worried about. But you go, dude, that's a fucking deep face. You thought that paparazzi was bad.

32:59Oh, my fun girl. they have all your biometrics and everything but again it's like how do they how would they do that though they're like we're gonna tell your parents it's like bro i've i've sat through one of those before i'll sit through it yeah yeah i did this i did this when i was a kid this is nothing my mom

33:16Shane Gillis:caught me with filth before i'll sit through i'm like sorry it wasn't even mine yeah i think i'd be all right i don't think i've i haven't delved into anything too devious some gangbang stuff i I guess. That would be a little embarrassing. What are we talking? Just regular. Devil's theory. No, there's a whole gang of guys coming in. Those are the ones you finish. You go, what have I done? The whole gang of guys. There's a whole fucking gang of dudes coming in. It was the old-time throng. Guys were fired up. That's so fucking funny. You guys are in trouble. What I worry about. The squad over there is in deep trouble.

33:59I'm not in trouble. I've been talking about my shit publicly for this exact year. Yeah, but that's the stuff you're public about. I'm sure there's some fucked up. My literal thing was this is so fucked up. This will come out one day. I have to get ahead of this.

34:10Shane Gillis:Let me tell everybody I know I like cub walks. Yeah, again. Can we add a little illustration of Freud's iceberg where the tip is at the top and then below is just the large hulking mass? Yeah, what else is in there? What else, dude? and LaMare I know you have gay porn

34:31you're the gayest porn ever there's no way I don't have gay porn there's definitely a way there's no gay porn if we had to vote on who here has watched gay porn have I seen it maybe like five minutes once I have not partook in it though yeah but they don't know you know they're just gonna go this is what he was searching they go you really want him to be city councilman he jacked off to a gangbang in 2014 yeah everyone's yeah everyone's compromised everyone's gonna be so compromised it's just gonna be the first couple people that get compromised that's where it's gonna hurt you know what I mean where everyone still hasn't had theirs exposed so they're all like ew yeah true let's make fun of them on the internet which of course

35:20Shane Gillis:I think it's gonna be and I pray the technology will definitely come in our lifetimes though it'll be you'll be able to check all of your older family members like complete metadata we're like they'll want by the time we're 60 it'll be like yo what's you'll have like grandkids or nieces and nephews like yo bro we pulled your shit up and you'll go what the fuck yeah which is like whatever but i don't think by then they'll care straight up dude on dude porn is that's the one if you call it stuff fucked i have googled naked man's ass a lot

35:56Shane Gillis:shit gay porn is literally the it is the funniest porn yeah dudes having sex is fucking hilarious it is funny it was a good it was a goof it is the funniest stuff this episode of matt and shane's secret podcast is brought to you by dude wipes have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet yeah every time yeah every single time Yeah, I did it all week. It's a fucking disaster. I left a, I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning. Yeah. It was crazy. There's nothing wrong with that. No, it was a little paint job. Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra? Do you ever need it?

36:35Pretty much an extra pair per day. Yeah, I always bring extra underwear, yeah. Yeah. Not because I'm fucking shitting my pants constantly. Yeah, I used to really work it out. What the fuck are you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on, dude? How horny are these people? What do they want to know?

36:52Shane Gillis:There's got to be something about standing up, though. I'm a stand-up wiper, honestly. Sitting down, I just smears everything. I don't know. I can't do it. Well, Matt, whichever way you wipe, it's time to show your b-hole some respect and upgrade to dude wipes. Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss, and the flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. They leave no room for dingleberries or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Plus, they're extra large and designed for adults, so no more endless rolls or settling for a less-than-perfect wipe. Dude Wipes. Best Clean Pants Down. Available. These guys are really funny.

37:25Amazon. It's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. We should do it. Gay porn. I was trying to get you to turn this camera around.

37:36Shane Gillis:I want to do the pod. I want to do the podcast. Let's get a little fucking Oreo going. Remember that place I sent you? What? Let's get the boy filled up. Hello. Put the boots. Put the boots. I want a podcast from that place I sent you. Which one? The men's retreat. All male, naked men's retreat. I got like two seconds into looking at that website. I was furious. I think it was also pretty bad timing, too.

38:06I think it was terrible timing.

38:13Dude, I've been having fucking panic attacks. And then I was like, oh, fuck, I've got to host the ESPYs. Yeah, dude. And then I haven't even been worried about it. And then I thought, I was like, how the fuck am I going to walk on stage? I'm going to look like a fucking dumbass, dude. It's going to be a giant stage and I'm going to walk in a tuxedo and go, hello.

38:34We go, what else? What a wild year this has been in sports. Angel Reese is a bitch. Boo. And I'm joking. I'm kidding, guys. Come on. I'm joking. Come on. Walk out and do a James Bond go pew pew. I could.

38:51Shane Gillis:Pew pew. They, yeah. The weird thing is, like, people watch shit like that. And if you act like, like, when you do, like, late night or whatever, they don't want you to be a normal guy. Like, regular people that watch that want you to be like a celebrity would act. Yeah. You know, they're like, oh, Seth, it's great to be here, man. Instead of just being normal. Wait, a normal person doesn't want you to be like, hi. Like, regular people watching the show, they're like, he's nervous and he sucks. so I'm being a human oh because you're not going like I'll tell you what yeah well let me tell you something thanks for being here beautiful night here crossing my legs being like oh man this is what a treat that's interesting I feel like people I don't know no I've noticed because anytime I do SNL they're like look at he's fucking nervous he's like no I'm just this is how I would act this is weird I'm not pretending this is normal also it's like yeah I'm nervous I'm on fucking television what the fuck are you talking about I'm nervous of course I'm nervous I'd be nervous during the...

39:46I didn't... For some reason, the idea of walking onto the stage... I never thought about that. ...is really uncomfortable. It's a big-ass fucking stage. Big-ass stage. Fall. They were talking. They were like, we can get you pyro. And I was like, dude, get me pyro for every time I bomb a joke. Tell a really bad joke and then...

40:05Shane Gillis:Yeah, just load up the cannons. Load the cannons. That's actually fucking hilarious. Would they do that? I don't know. Maybe. I think... They seem like they're... They're down for anything. That's awesome. Yeah, they seem... If something falls flat, definitely send the fireworks. The fireworks are hilarious. That's so fucking funny. Even if it works, it'll be fucking funny. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, that's actually fucking sick. After every punchline, pyro. Yeah. Pyro. That's really funny, actually. Doesn't it fall flat? No pyro. And then demand it. It's also tough to come up with funny jokes for ABC.

40:38That's very hard. At 5 p.m. Yeah. I'm not going to be able to say anything.

40:43Shane Gillis:Have you considered any talking about Puerto Rico at all? Oh, yeah. Puerto Rico. Speaking of islands of trash. When I learned that was at like 11 a.m., I was like, dude, whoa. Right after the national anthem.

41:03Shane Gillis:That was at 5 p.m. on CBS. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure they can give you guidelines of like, this is what we allow, this is what we don't. They will, yeah. And it's like. they're like they're like they're like kind of excited about it yeah let it rip they're like like because we did promos for it and i was like oh this is live like i was joking like i'm gonna do something crazy yeah and they they're keeping they're like using that i had to be like get rid of that i look like a dumbass yeah like i'm nuts i was doing that and they're like here's the promo we're gonna put out i was like don't put this out it's like i might say something crazy a bit of a loose cannon yeah they probably want nothing more than a controversy though because they're like a lot of the at least you know i don't know really shit about major media like networks but i do feel like like if they ever have like a controversy online it's like yeah it's the only way anybody fucking you know yeah so they might need you to fucking do it bro i'm gonna do it you might have to talk about the fucking ultimate leader of the sps the ultimate leader might be the 1939 olympics yeah it'll be fun i mean yeah have you considered beta blockers you know people do that they take beta blockers for public speaking i'm going natty on raw dog that's what i'm gonna bomb natural natural bomb that kind of freaked me out though when i heard people do that a lot of people take beta blockers now because apparently you can go out and talk in public and it's just like It just shuts down.

42:33Shane Gillis:I don't know. I kind of rely on the terror. How weird that would be to bomb. I'd be like, how interesting. Yeah, that's how most comedians, all those people we did open mics with that are still doing it, they have beta blockers. They're fully like, that was a weird night. Well, see you next week. You've been doing this for 15 years. It's not working. Just under Christmas lights in July. Just fucking bombing. You're like, oh, that was weird. Yeah, this was a fun night. time for a craft beer i knew exactly what you're talking about in philly under the bridge yeah those are fun shows i know it's time for a craft beer yeah i'll have 15 craft beers and i'll talk to the audience who was yeah the 10 people that were here i'm gonna get drunk with them and go you know fuck you you don't fucking get my joke you don't fucking understand it bitch getting in a fight with the crowd two hours after the show you just stay and get drunk with them afterwards you guys are fucking dicks what are you doing over there I was yeah there's a picture of somebody and I was sitting with them when you sent me that in the group text and I was looking at my phone next to them and I was like oh sorry this is a group text making fun of you

43:57literally worst nightmare yeah just sitting next to someone has a shitty picture of you you're like what the fuck is that dude it's like nothing i was just looking at a bad picture of

44:06Shane Gillis:you nothing me and all my friends are making fun of you behind your back

44:12yeah the uh the anxiety i i don't know why that was the reason but the walkout i never even thought You got to do like Asian nerd run up to the stage. That's going to be the funniest part. I'm going to be in a tuxedo. I'm going to look like a fucking dumbass. You look good in the tux, bro. I've seen it. I've worn it already. What's the beef? I sent it to you. I look like a fucking men's warehouse plus size model. I mean, that's hilarious. I look like just a big guy. Obviously, dude, easy lead in. True. Come right out. A, it's very funny. Oh, and there's writers. there's writers for it yeah so they sent me all their jokes they're sending like self-deprecating jokes oh and i'm like the fuck the fuck these notes from people i hired and they're like yeah i'm a big fat fucking piece of shit i can't believe i'm here i i'm a no-name fucking piece of shit we couldn't get kevin hart we got this fucking loser i'm like all right who wrote that which one of you guys you're fired this is a teleprompter breaking you down you're I am fat.

45:19I do have a small penis. Who wrote this? Who the fuck wrote this?

45:24Shane Gillis:They should have their job. So I'll have your fucking job. I'll have your fucking job in no time. Yeah, being like, I'll write for you and then sending self-deprecating jokes is... Yeah, that is weird. I never thought about that. It's like, I got that handled. Don't worry about that. Yeah. It's also, that's not self-deprecating. It's like, you're deprecating. Yeah, you're deprecating me. You're deprecating. You're deprecating all over me. You're deprecating on me, dude. deprecated the shit out of me dude i was sitting here i was already having a rough time that was i like that self-deprecating no you should just be like i really like that was really funny he still who wrote that again yeah i'll write one for you just just as a little exercise just a good exercise back and forth a little improv i'll do you next

46:07dang dude well i ran some of the jokes last night and they're they're twerking they're twerking a little. But it's tough to find a line because some of the guys are writing funny but edgy jokes so I'm just like unfortunately I can't do that. Yeah. And then the next one's too clean. Where it's like almost like late night television type jokes. Yeah. You know what I mean? Where it's like that type of joke where you're like just sucking off athletes at like a weird. Yeah. Where it's like oh another award for you guys. Don't you have enough accolades? You guys are incredible. I'm a loser. Yeah. It's not funny.

46:44Shane Gillis:There's got to be a middle ground between that. There's a couple. We found a couple. I wish I knew more about sports. I don't know. You got the gist of it. Yeah. You got one in there that's probably my favorite one. Yes. It's definitely my favorite one. We can't do the school shooter one. Oh, yeah. Because that's the best one. The pre-show with the pre-game fashion. Taylor Clark. The Indiana Fever all wearing trench coats. Be like, enough is enough. going white girl crazy they did get have you followed the they got sophie cunningham is that her name they got a little white girl crazy on her squad what yeah she's got an enforcer now that goes nuts wait on who's squad on caitlin clark's team they got a big dog white chick that goes they got it she goes nuts she goes white girl crazy on what's the lady's name from game of thrones like anna barrett what's her name the tall lady yeah yeah yeah she got one of those Yeah, they got Brianna Tar?

47:36Yes, except she's also a babe. What? Recombination.

47:46How tall are we talking? How tall is this babe? I don't know. She's probably 5 '10", 5 '11". Bro, same height as me.

47:54Shane Gillis:Jarvis. Makes her look like one of the Na 'vi. So I'd be an enforcer in the WNBA? Yeah. That's fucking sick. You'd be nuts, dude, especially on Juice. She'd be fucking Skolberg spearing Those bitches She's 6 '1 Jarvis Damn They should tap me in Just to set picks I would set Fucking diabolical picks In the WNBA Yeah That'd be my signature You'd be open Yeah Hands behind your back

48:24Yeah I would just I would just dagger There's nothing funny about that I would just I set girl picks I would dagger In the WNBA You knew that right Huh You knew that Girl picks Yeah cause my sister play basketball so when i was a little kid i only saw girls basketball then i went and played basketball and set picks like a girl for their boobs like that what yeah and i did that

48:46then i noticed everyone else was holding their dicks and i was like all right i'll switch i was out there i was a little chubby kid going i didn't know they did that it makes sense yeah also i fell down constantly you would i was i was rodman dude i was i was diving on the court i was going nuts you saw we played i fell down in front of those black kids oh yeah challenge the teens we fucking whooped their ass we did whoop their ass with fundamentals we did we yeah that was awesome we just are we undefeated in two on two i think we are for real i genuinely think we're undefeated in two on two might be the best team

49:21Shane Gillis:of all time it's crazy we can't lose we be black teams and pool basketball pool basketball 150 you Not even close, bro. That's fucking crazy. Pool B-ball is not even close. Yeah, we beat black teams, legionist gangs. Who else is there? Puerto Ricans, blacks, Jews. We beat them all.

49:43We really are fucking American history. Yeah,

49:50Shane Gillis:fuck. We are for real, I think, undefeated. It's kind of sick. Yeah. Hang the jerseys, dude. Yeah, just hang them up. it's time to be done anyway take any well we should take any challengers any girls any girls out there you know age cut off for sure although yeah you gotta watch like if a girl could play basketball yeah they're fucking destroying me college you have to watch out for that although i feel you could back them down right yeah you could back them but yeah if they're tall they could swat you that'd be a problem that'd be so embarrassing one swat i'd fucking spaz dude yeah i've been doing the uh sled at the gym and like it's outside and there's just people all around and there's like it's kind of on level it's actually it's very on level but like so you go downhill that's not bad but the uphill is like you might stall yeah and there's just people sitting around and i was there with britney and i was like bro if i fucking stall i got for real kill myself if i can't get it pull it backwards then no i get it down that is hard i get it down but then i go the other side but you have to get no you gotta pull it backwards walk backwards and hold it like that it's so hard that is hard no it destroys you pushing it's easy i'm not saying for me I can sled I can drive the sled dude yeah for sure you're fucking bored for it short choppy steps I've done it my whole fucking life pulling is hard pulling backwards is you have to do it and then you have to and it's like not a like wheel one of those like wheels which they're hard too but it's just like a classic flat sled yeah flat sled you gotta put babes on it I've done it before yeah put a babe on it today I did the 445 I'm out of plates you you get on there come here I'm about to You're going to hear me fucking fart while I'm pushing this.

51:29Shane Gillis:I'm about to spray spit out of my mouth while I push this thing. But yeah, it was just like, I was like, if I fucking falter, I'm going to just like stopping halfway up the hill in front of just like, just OnlyFans models and guys on steroids with their shirts off. It's just like, dude, in front of my babe, I was like, can't. I haven't been, I haven't been in the comedy club in a while. Last night when I drove down the streets are filled with OnlyFans ladies and jacked dudes with their shirts off. Yeah, dude. And then the street at night time? Are you sure of this, dude? The sun was going down.

51:59Oh, wow. Yeah, the first show was at like 7. Dude, I'm telling you, the gym I go to is crazy. The dudes here in Austin need to fucking chill out. They do. I'm used to only seeing comedy clubs, so I'm only used to being around comics that are all regular dudes.

52:13Shane Gillis:No, regular dudes have taken off. There was a guy today doing handstands on dumbbells and lowering himself parallel to them, and I was like, dude, stop. Knock it off. Yeah, do a fucking lift. Do a regular lift. You're showing off. Yeah. I mean, nut tapped him while he was doing it. Literally was showing off. Yeah. I could have nut chopped him. I could have from the top. Yeah. Should have bone tomahawked him. Should have split him right in half, dude. I was just on an old machine, just making a ton of noise. Just getting up quietly, walking over to him. Hi-ya! It was insane. It was like, dude, do that shit at your house.

52:50Shane Gillis:Handstand into like... You should have caught him in a standing 60-iron. You should have walked over and wrapped his ass up You say you're mine now I'm taking you home Coming with me He would have fucking completely spazzed Yeah you would have got beat up by like 10 jacked hot guys For sure I would have had a couple hot ladies You would have died smiling

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55:57Shane Gillis:And she's like, what the fuck are you doing? But again, it's like, I was just laughing. I wish the beautiful babies would stop. They got to leave themselves alone. Don't touch your lips. Leave your lips. Leave that to me. I'm fine.

56:12Don't fucking get those big lips, dude.

56:15Shane Gillis:Dude, imagine. Just leave them alone. Yeah, they don't need that at all. Also, like, they're now getting broken down on, like, it's not even just about, like, you know, there's, like, the Botox and stuff. They're hitting every part of their face and, like, optimizing. Like, there's, like, eyebrow treatment. It's like, who the fuck? Nobody cares about your eyebrows. Yeah. It's just for other girls, yeah. It is. Yeah. It's them. But I was like, it's got to be tight just being, like, a, just one of those chicks now. You're 24. You literally are just, like, you're donning the lingerie, butt cupping kind of like pussy clothes with and you're just standing there just being hot the giant fat pussy yeah just like just no dude for real i saw for i today i saw a swollen giant fat pussy and i was just like the fuck yeah what are you doing the hell are you doing also i've seen it not to make it gay but i've seen a lot of hogs on the loose around here that's true the hogs are out dude we need it we need to start we need a hog right now dude i'm to get in a helicopter with an AR and go we got hogs we got some javelinas down there hey put your dick put your dick away now put your dick away you mean we yelled at that guy this guy standing on the corner with a giant dong in like bike shorts yeah I rolled the window down I was like put that fucking dick away yeah dudes need to chill with that there's let look let the girls do their thing don't throw your hat in the fucking ring like oh I have a giant dick maybe I'll stick it out.

57:39Shane Gillis:I was like, no, man. Yeah. I was rocking angry teenis today. I was trying. There was nothing I could do about it. But angry teenis is going to be respected again soon. I think it will. It's going to be like a girl without lip fillers. Everybody's walking around with a giant dong, dude. When's the last time you saw some natural, tiny angry teenis? This morning, I was looking down and going, God damn it. I can feel mine right now. I can feel every... Well, there's all these shorts now, the exercise shorts. Don't make that face while you're thinking about your penis. I watched him do it they're like you don't even need underwear with these shorts literally was going ew dude thinking about every part of your penis right there that's disgusting

58:23Shane Gillis:they make shorts they're like we have like inner lining you don't even need boxers I'm like sweet then I wear them I'm like dude my fucking tiny penis I need boxers well I'm always like nice so you get like netting it's not netting it's like a just like it does feel like it's like an inner line. Oh yeah I have though. Yeah yeah yeah. They're cool. They're like compression shorts. Yeah sort of. But these are like they're not that tight so I'm just like dude it just looks like I'm free balling and my tiny penis is sticking out while I'm doing bridges. You can't do bridges. And like between every exercise I stand up and I'm like yeah the worst is when you're starting to do it like you're doing fucking like deadlifts get me everything.

59:01The bar is literally presses my penis my penis perches on the bar on every deadlift. it's like a bird on a telephone wire the trainer's like all right 10 more reps fuck dude my dick's out on rep one i saw my t-ness i gotta put the bar down we gotta change workouts need the hex bar the bar we stand in the middle that's for that's cheap yeah that's for cheaters dude if you want to build if you want to build the basics you want to get fucking massive numbers hit the hex bar be like just deadlift 450 it's like no you didn't dude i know the uh yeah the bridges they serve no purpose other than to show everyone your penis.

59:39Shane Gillis:Yeah. It's You just can't do them. It's a fucking problem. Yeah. I'm telling you I've been getting better at just fucking rocking it and being like It's all you can do. It's my setup. Yeah. I'm just going to rock this thing out and hopefully you know everything comes around in waves. It will. Fashion will catch up. Yeah we want it. Fashion will catch up. Teenus. Yeah we're going to go back to classic Greek penises. Yeah girls will figure out guys are big dicks just don't treat them right.

1:00:06Shane Gillis:we'll see my ally patch that guy's probably pretty agreeable that guy's probably smart he probably reads a lot and cares about issues do you see that real team player over there yeah these dude big dicks freaks sitting over here dumb as hell

1:00:26we'll marry you a genius

1:00:31Shane Gillis:one of us one of us for real not i'm like being serious because i've obviously imagined just having a long dangling penis a bunch of times for real would be annoying honestly probably gets in the way like the way i move i couldn't do it if i was i'm too sleek too fast dude for real the way i think i'd be able to swim down and back underwater no shot the thing would be a goddamn rudder I'd be turning the curve would turn you

1:01:03Shane Gillis:yeah like I felt bad for that pole volta from France who like his dick don't gotta worry about that I would have cleared that thing dude I would have brought glory to my country I'd be in orbit if the penis is holding you back I'd be on Mars by now he disgraced his entire country they should have probably gotten like silver but he disgraced his country. This dumb fucking dick. This dumb French cock. This dumb French fucking dick hit the bar and he blew it for his country. That's so funny. The hopes and dreams of your country dashed on the rocks of your giant cock. It's kind of in France's problem.

1:01:43Shane Gillis:It has been a big problem. Just sitting around with a big dick smoking. Yeah. It's been like, what is even the point of this? We don't get that Our dicks are too big. You got a little frog in here, guard dog. Really? Big dick, cigarettes, sitting around going, what is even the point of everything? Frog ditty. Frog ditty, dude. Yeah, I like that. You probably do have some French in you. You should look that up. Kid? I don't know. I think you do, for sure. I thought I'm just Irish and Italian. That's what I've been told, at least. Yeah, I wonder. That's kind of French, though. You can spy on those two things.

1:02:21Right in the middle. That's where they met. Yeah, that's literally the combination of them.

1:02:25Shane Gillis:Combination. All right. New Drake dropped pretty tight. It's good. Yeah, it's fun. Nice. It's exciting. Yeah, who knew? He did a... Oh, also, I listened to... Last night, I listened to Not Like Us on the way home. I was like, I haven't heard this in fucking forever. Give it a listen again. See what you think. Stinks? Give it a listen again. You go, was it the greatest song of all time? Did it need to be played? that many times because I just listened to it. It was a racist anthem. I'm good for a while. I don't need to listen to it ever again. I kind of picked up on some racist vibes when I listened to it.

1:03:01Shane Gillis:I'm pretty sure he's not being like, yeah, cool black guys and 25-year-old white ladies, you're not like us. He was saying Drake can't use the N-word and he's not like us. It kind of sucks. Yeah, I'd be so pissed. If I was able to say it and then everyone was like, you're not now. God damn. welcome to hell dude that's like being able to see and then going blind i've been blind my whole life dude i don't even know what i'm missing also for rapping like it's it sucks if you can't do that for rapping it's like huge in rap it's awesome it sounds awesome and rap every time i hear in rap i go yes yes yes yes i heard it today and i don't feel bad because usually that's coming from someone i know and that makes me uncomfortable yeah i'm telling you the internet is now rife with people who present white as rapping just ripping the N-word.

1:03:55Shane Gillis:Some of them are like Jin Lee white. Yeah, big guy. Then you have mixed guys. Yeah, Jin Lee. You have mixed guys. And there was that little kid. Lil Brazy was out there. He was a little kid? He's a little kid, and he looks... A little white kid? I guess. I don't know if he's... We get a lot of mixed bros now who are like, I'm mixed. And he's like, okay. But he... That is something we're going to have to deal with as a society. Yeah. I don't know what I'm going to tell my daughters. I'm going to tell my daughters like bro go crazy Go nuts Go nuts, pave the way So maybe one day You're the first in our family To ever do it No one else in our family Says it Carry the torch We've never done it You know that house in the woods With a giant Trump flag on it You'll be the first one ever

1:04:50Shane Gillis:my dad and his brothers are at a totally pc trash yard in philly you know that compound in the woods with about 50 fucking giant retarded white guys no one's ever said this i think that's how all their machines start up their voice activated they got like breathalyzers every trash truck in philly it's like you gotta say it we want to make sure you're driving well i told you i used to listen to cb radio dude it was all the hits i was a little boy another big block of rock coming right at you nothing but the little boy listening to trash truck cb radio drive around with my dad and just being like what the fuck true you guys got to get the trash in philly it's that fucking city bullshit bro we did we did dumpsters man that's like the trash routes but yeah i would i would have to call billy out of retirement true he should go scab no more sit around podcasting billy it's time to start working again fire up the lugger can yeah is that are they still on strike in philly they're they're they're gonna get their way you can't want if trash strikes the trash they what are they doing they need to be demanding so much more at all times yeah they don't they get like they don't get paid a ton they get like you know you can yeah you can hold it down but you're not like bossing out they do get overtime which is sweet There's one in Massachusetts too Really?

1:06:10Yeah

1:06:10Shane Gillis:Little Boston trash party? Hell yeah That reminds me I was getting fired up last night On what? Came home Had a couple beers at the club Came home Tossed on Revolutionary War docs On YouTube So nice That's awesome So nice And it was the beginning It was Lexington Concord The shot heard around the world They still don't know Who fired The British or The Patriots Oh really? Last night I was sitting there Patriots Fucking British Obviously fired first You think they fired first? Fucking pieces of shit Definitely they've always fired first it was scum obviously they fired first it was so obvious that i was sitting there like how come i never with any conviction knew this normally i'm like yeah no one knows who fired it was obviously them yeah true that's a fair point but don't you think they'd be more like kind of like hold gentlemen that's what they were doing at the boston massacres they'd already done this they fired into the civilians oh fuck all right yeah yeah i mean Wasn't that the move back then in the monarchies?

1:07:08Shane Gillis:It'd be like, all right, well, fucking we tried to reason with you guys. We're just going to rain down upon you guys and get the fuck out of here. That's what Napoleon did. Yeah. Got the mob. He was like, I'll take care of the mob. What are you going to do? He's like, I'm going to fire cannons directly into all of them and they're going to go home. You did it. You saved Paris. And he was right. But yeah, you got to get on the Revolutionary War because it's going to be big soon. There's going to be a new, that Ken Burns coming out. You got to get ahead of it. He's doing Rev War. He's doing Rev War, Doc.

1:07:36That's sick. It's going to be awesome. Spud Dog was... He was there. Yeah, he was handling Cam. That's... You guys are going to like it. You're going to like the Revolutionary War. I'm a Fivoli's fan. You're going to like it. It's cooler than you think. Now, I've always been inclined to be a Civil War man.

1:07:51Shane Gillis:You know, I went to Revolutionary War camp, bro. I went to Williamsburg. Did you ever reenact the battles? We didn't reenact the battles. We had to march with a stick like we were soldiers. Did you really? That's kind of sick. We got wooden guns, and we got to run around through the Brandywine and reenact the battle. But it would be like laser tag rules. I got you. No, dude, you missed me. He'd be like, pop, pop, pop. Damn, that's awesome. It was tight. These little wooden guns we had to reenact it on. That's where I learned. I've said this a thousand times, where they used to pee on wounds to heal them.

1:08:17Shane Gillis:So pretty tight. I stick to it to this day. Whenever I pee in the shower. I think Brandy one was a pretty big L for us. I could be wrong. I didn't pay attention to that part. It was a revolution. It was a big L. Was it really? I think we took some L's out there. That sucks. Yeah. Look that up, man. Yeah, let's. the Brandywine. What were the I think Marquis de Lafayette was there. Yeah. It's the bro. Hamilton? Yeah. Fuck. I didn't know I lived on losing grounds. I think Marquis de Lafayette got hit there. Did he? He got wounded there. I don't know why I assumed I was on winning territory every time I was at the Brandywine.

1:08:55Shane Gillis:I mean it was Philly dude. Obviously eventually we won. True. Lafayette got wounded. Dang. Yeah. Right in Brandywine? Yeah. It was right by my house when we were living in Westchester. I would just. Really? Yeah, there was a couple of battlefields right there. That's right. It was great. Went down to fucking Valley Forge, walked around. It was great. That's fucking sick. Go into the house, and they're like, this is where Washington lived. You're like, fuck yeah. This is crazy. The place you brought us to, that battlefield was awesome. Antietam? Yeah, that was very sick. Antietam's awesome. Gettysburg's awesome.

1:09:28We got to get back. We got to get back. There's nothing down here. The fucking south sucks. I know. I don't have any history other than fucking Indian massacres. Yeah. A lot of those. A lot of those. A lot of those. You go, well, this isn't fun. My guys were doing the... Yeah, the Alamo's sick. Yeah, that was cool. I've been there. That's cool.

1:09:44Shane Gillis:Was Davey Crockett really at the Alamo? I think so. Sick. Tight. Yeah. Daniel Boone's also fucking tight. Daniel Boone does rule. That guy fucking rules. Yeah, but it sucks. I guess if you looked into it, those guys... New Orleans would be fun to go to the Battle of New Orleans. Yeah, that was key. That'd be sick. True, that was key. If you ever look into that, that's fun. We beat the fuck out of the British. Yeah. Everyone tries to act like the U.S. lost the War of 1812. Dude, we fucking went nuts on them. Yeah, who the fuck's talking shit like that? Well, they burnt down the White House. That was a pretty big win.

1:10:15Who cares? Yeah, fuck it. We don't even like it. Wasn't that when it was in Philadelphia? No, it was in Washington. Oh, fuck. That sucks. Yeah. Those are Canadians, dude. The British Canadians marched right down. They burnt down the fucking White House?

1:10:26Shane Gillis:They burnt down our fucking shit. The fuck? Yeah. Is Canada chilled out yet, or are they still spazzing? Are they still crying? Yeah. I don't know. They finally got some attention. They were so excited. They were so excited. They have a new president, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, good for them. Good for them. All right. We'll have a motherfucking hour. See you later on the picture.

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