Ep 568 - Hollywood Night Cast

22:48Shane Gillis:I was like, I love women's sports now. Yeah. I watched the ESPYs. I was like, yeah, women's sports fucking rule. I was raised on women's sports. You were. And I got to tell you guys, I fucking loved women's basketball. I know. I was a water boy for a women's basketball team. I loved women's basketball my whole life. Who can say the same? I doubt anybody. How many other dudes' dads are still coaching women's basketball? Not a lot. I think Phil might have five state championship rings. He might be the Phil Jackson of volunteer assistant girls high school basketball coaches. He's Gino Auriemma. He really is.

23:26And he'll tell you. My dad watches women's basketball a lot. I'll come in and be like, what the fuck are you watching? He's like, it's a better sport. It's pure. And there is an argument within basketball periods. Now, obviously, it's not better. They're not dunking. Yeah. But as far as like the NBA has become one-on-one matchups. It's become, you know, just isolation one-on-one. Yeah. WNBA, you have to pass and move. Team sport. Yeah. I'm not trying. I'm not fucking for the WNBA. But I will say this. Hello. The fuck was that? All right. Whatever.

24:03Shane Gillis:No, I was full convert last night. I was like, I actually was like, I love women's sports. It's important that women can do their thing. But tricking people into thinking that they're like, just here's my thing. It's the reflexive, like non-questioning clap. Yeah, it's it's really wasn't a solid on the unthinking masses. That's the important part. People go, oh, yeah, for sure. It's like, dude, just use your brain. Use your critical thinking for two seconds ago. Wait, who was who was? I would have clapped. I never heard of that person. I knew they would clap. I would have clapped. Yes. anybody on earth would clap but it's funny yeah to go ah you guys are fucking also i've gotten so old i don't know who anyone is i for real flaw j flaw j flaw j flaw j they told me i was wrong and it was flaw j i said flaw j after being told 10 times it was flaw j but ruster buster rhymes that flow j2 i think me and bus are old as shit bus a bus dude don't get me started on discuss it don't get me started on him i i was beefed i was beef with him he kissed my wife's hand bus bus a ryan but although although that's that's being a gentleman for sure i can't i can't deny that hold on how about that in the green room you hear bus i hear bus to rhymes outside of the green room like i'm not going in there unless he invites me it's it's a man's and i was like i i overheard that and i was like fucking definitely invited me get the fucking fucking bust around his yeah it's nice his performance too was for real like yeah unbelievable it was unbelievable he demanded the crowd get activated which was very nice because i would say commanded Yes I would say he Comanded the crowd And then He did try to Command Your wife And your wife was a good Faithful soldier She was But no Busta Rhymes For real Can do no wrong in my eyes His performance was so good He kissed my wife's hand He's being a gentleman He was being He's being a gentleman I was mad at him For like 15 minutes I was going For real If I see Busta Rhymes I might try to fight him But then I thought of his performance And I was like It was so fucking good Yes Spliff star I was like, dude, he's so it was great.

26:18Shane Gillis:It was really it was just a celebration of life. The whole night was a celebration. For real. It was a celebration. It was the one person laughing. My entire monologue was Buster Rhymes. And while I was up there, I kept like looking over to be like, yes, yes. I don't care how badly this is going. Just see a Buster Rhymes. Yes, yes, yes. No, he fucking absolutely crushed it. I mean his performance was so good I was like if you gotta kiss my wife's hand that's fine That's totally fine Kissing the wife's hand is totally fine It's also gentlemanly Bro we've talked about it before Remember that autistic man saw my girlfriend at a bar and was like The pleasure is all mine It's all he did And I was just like Fuck It's all he did And that's my bro who he's my buddy and he's got it for real He's not like he's not pretending He didn't see Big Bang Theory and go Wouldn't it be cool if I had autism?

27:17Shane Gillis:Also, I don't think you can rap that fast and not have a little bit of the tism. Yeah. So, yeah, totally, totally cool. He's for real the absolute legend. Remember what Nate did to Brittany? Brittany had a night. Nate was rude to Brittany. Nate was absolutely. Well, to be fair, I did throw a nap. I threw napkins on your head. That was my bad. I said that off. I was really hoping we didn't bring that up. That bums me out. No, that was a perfectly logical reaction. I was defending LeMere, but it does. I know you're trying to tell a story, but the shorts are so fucked up looking. You look fucked up, dude.

27:58It's your legs. They're so hairy. It's so fucked up. This is all I had. I'm trying to smell like shit. We leave tomorrow. To be totally honest and frank, it's kind of like a thought from the hood, dude.

28:10Shane Gillis:Just fucking legs. Those legs and those J's, bro. J's. Black J's. With no... Nate, how many bands would it take for you to dance right now?

28:29For real.

28:31Shane Gillis:Nate, if I took you to Rainbow tomorrow... He would fucking... He'd go nuts. I'd fly home first class.

28:46Shane Gillis:Anyway. The squad. The squad did it, dude. LaMare dressed like a complete dunk. Oh, wait. Hold on. Tell that story because that is extremely funny. No, it's great. Tell the story. It's great. All right. So what happened was we were just sitting out back smoking, having a good time, just me and LaMare by herself at the after party, and then a paper ball. Hold on. I knocked on the fence. I didn't hear that I knocked on the fence And I was going What are you guys doing over there I'd never heard that I know That's all man They were hanging out with Pat McAfee and Jelly Roll Yeah yeah But they had left at this point It was just me It was just us two back there right It was Sean and uh You guys Sean Okay I think it was us two It was just you two Such climbers You guys are climbers No We were in the back They came out after us We were sucking each other off back there Wait what Holy shit Yo Thank you LaMare Yo Thank you LaMare I needed that I need somebody to take the heat off of me LeMaire's the ultimate bro He's paying me back for last night Why are your feet like that?

29:46What are you doing? My feet? You're pigeon toed bro I'm actually I swear to god you're going like this while you're talking I'm actually pigeon toed It's really fucking crazy I know we were joking earlier about you being zesty

30:00Shane Gillis:Nate is thick and bow legged bro Nate is a fucking hood prize Oh no

30:12when i see you in shorts like this it's like yeah he is definitely a black dude from fucking redding like definitely you could see him on frankfurt f you would see this guy walking down

30:26Shane Gillis:the street can i see you blow bubble gum and pop it real quick oh this is dope

30:37a little more vodka a little more vodka please give him a different cup there's no good cups down there LaMare

30:50Shane Gillis:fill up a sim cup that's his cup yeah true hold on let's actually go 360 on this so we're at the after party we're at the after party and we're sitting there it was a giant fence LaMare and Nate were smoking weed behind the fence I heard them back there I smelled what they were doing knocked on the fence I said what are you guys doing back there no answer so I took all the tissues in my pocket from all night I had like 40 tissues in my pocket and I threw them over the fence it was like a full snowball they all landed on LaMare's head just luck in the draw you suck my battleship you know a hundred percent suck my battleship I guess I was like F7 F7 that's a perfect battleship Tossed him over Sunk LaMare And Nate Honestly it was pretty admirable It was me going full bro Yep LaMate Or LaMate Nate Excuse me Sorry about that Nate Sticking to the bro code LaMate LaMate Cause LaMare went What was that?

31:48Shane Gillis:LaMare was pissed Yeah LaMare I was already pissed about you calling him simp But he goes LaMare pissed off Understandably It was a bunch of fucking tissues I don't know what I did And they were snotted up I fucking threw him over the head LaMare goes what the fuck and Nate goes and they were used yeah for sure it could have been pizza grease I don't know they landed so heavy they were dense when they hit LaMare I didn't think about crystallized with snot I never thought about how loud we must be outside we're so high up we're so high up we're so high up other rooms other rooms eh maybe fuck em fuck em that's no problem so LaMare gets fucking tissues everyone goes to bed in LA at 9 p.m.

32:33Yeah, what is that, dude? The city is disgusting. It sucks. As an avid drinker, L.A. It sucks. Wake up. Wake up for an alcoholic. Wake up. I'm more of a Buffalo guy. Yo, Buffalo's great. For real. That's a good drinking town right there. Buffalo, you go fucking snowing again. 3 a.m., get a cigar. Bitch, we gotta get blacked out.

32:54Shane Gillis:To be fair, Buffalo has no other choice. Exactly. That's what I mean. Yeah, I like that. That's why I like Dublin. You go to a city where they're like, hey, it's fucking raining again. You know? Yeah, yeah. Or he's hiking. Yeah, that's bullshit. Like these fucking... By the way, can these people stop hiking? Shut up about hiking. Hiking's kind of nice. Yeah. We built civilization so you didn't have to hike. Wearing those shorts. Talking to me about hiking. By the way, Nate, you've never gone fucking hiking. I have. What was your biggest hike? I don't have a distance to it. Walking outside doesn't count You took three cum walks

33:38You don't hike dude Obviously you don't fucking hike I used to hike I used to hike in Jersey Where'd you hike? Are you talking about walking dogs? No I mean no

33:48Shane Gillis:Not all the time Yeah but no Rucking That doesn't count for rocking Having an eighth an ounce of cum On your fucking shirt It weighs you down That's gross I'm mad I said that No dude It's alright The viewer understands Can we bring it all back To the fact that we're Celebrating life We're celebrating life This is just a celebration of life Celebration of life dude It's it's I mean What an ambiguous Phenomenon life is To get hung up on You know Some fun jokes At the ESPYs You're literally Missing the point We're having fun Which brings me to the next point dude The view I wish I was watching The View.

34:30I know we're having fun right now. I just wish Jon Hamm... I wish I was watching The View so that I could understand comedy the way Joy Behar does. You know, hilarious comedian Joy Behar? What was that one joke she told that everyone likes? Never once ever? But no, I get it. They didn't like it. It wasn't for them. If they liked it, I would have been like, oh, that sucked. You are whoopee dude It's literally not for the ladies of the view Like literally It's specifically designed for them to go I didn't like it

35:06Shane Gillis:It's crazy they never have Any kind of like you know what actually I kind of saw the nuance in it It's just like You know what I mean They're here to not like things Yeah but like why though No but they love like Hamilton Hamilton sucks I will say I will say hold on time out he is whoopee time out I did cry I cried at the end of Hamilton I'll be honest look I cried at the end of Hamilton I did fellas if I saw him his son died dude if I saw Hamilton his son died if I saw Hamilton live I would fucking love it I have no doubt in my mind if I saw Hamilton if I went in there and going dude fucking bullshit this shit sucks five minutes into Hamilton I'd be going this is really good these guys are great He told his son to not ever give up.

35:58Shane Gillis:His son entered a duel and he died. And he goes, that's on me. His son died. That's his guilt. He had to carry. And isn't it ironic that he died the same way? Yeah. Well, it's all just, you know, it's just true. Aaron Burr, sir. Yeah, Burr. Yeah. Burr dropped his ass. Burr said, what'd you say, pussy? Shut the fuck up. Who played Burr in the play? Please tell me they let a white guy play Burr No Damn that would have been funny The one white guy Freeze Put your fucking hands off I learned a lot about your bro Lafayette From the Hamilton Yeah he was a beast in Hamilton He is the bro Him and Hamilton were bros They were both like adopted sons of George Washington It was pretty sick I never saw the gay play They said Hamilton's from Puerto Rico he was from the Caribbean for sure and his mom was like a his mom was a whore no he was the bastard orphan of a son of a whore yes well his mom was married to a guy and then apparently I don't know there was something went on with them and his mom like split off and you know left the guy and then got pregnant by another guy so they were like whore yeah I mean prostitute from Puerto Rico no I think I could be wrong but I think it's like an American folktale that he was from such rags to riches which American history loves to do that Abraham Lincoln's from the Log Cab which I think he actually was but so is fucking everybody LeBron James is a poor 15 year old you know same story he wasn't was he not poor he was not a poor 15 year old he was definitely a poor kid he was in one of those schools where they're like stealthily giving you money yeah eventually once they found out he was fucking 6 '8 once he jumped over the hoop of a fucking basketball yeah they go here's a fucking car yeah that's doesn't count no I'm pretty sure LeBron did it yeah once you jump over a kid in high school they're like yeah whatever you want you do have to give LeBron that credit he jumped so high that fucking buildings got constructed he's that guy he jumped so high they build a school they're like alright well we gotta fund Akron I know the zipper factory shut down but they got this new fucking kid that's dunking LeBron rules yeah they did LeBron jumped so high they ran back NAFTA they're like alright we gotta cut we gotta amend some of NAFTA don't You know my triggers My bad, my bad, my bad Don't bring up NAFTA My bad, my bad, my bad Especially when we're talking about Akron True Invented the zipper, bro They should still be making zippers When you say Oh, they invented the zipper like itself?

39:03Shane Gillis:The zipper I thought you were talking about the carnival ride Or I don't know if they Well, they might have Carnival ride is sick, bro We invented every carnival ride Dude, I went on a Ferris wheel with my kids recently And I was like They were like, this is crazy I was like, you guys should go on the zipper is fucking nuts. Imagine if you're on a Ferris wheel and it fucking did a full revolution. Imagine how peaceful and serene this Ferris wheel is. Imagine fearing for your life. How come theme park rides aren't that scary? And then you get on a fucking plane and you're like, holy shit. Dude, when I was maybe five or six years old, my parents brought me on the Big Bad Wolf in Busch Gardens in Virginia.

39:44Shane Gillis:I've been on that. I remember being six years old and being like, here comes the water. I'm going to die next to my dad and mom. And they just laughed at me. And I was like, I'm terrified for my life. Grabbed your mom's inner thigh and grinded her. What the fuck was that? I should have alerted the staff. Grok told me, like, yo, if you're uncomfortable, alert the staff. Be discreet about it. I wouldn't listen to Grok lately. Yeah, true. Grok's all in one. True, true, true, true, true. Kroc was probably like, fucking get him out of the pool. Kroc was probably like, wait, who's in the pool? It does suck if you spend like, you know,$7 billion building an AI.

40:26Shane Gillis:And it's like, actually, Hitler was like, all right, all right, fuck. Shut it down. God damn it. Try again. Keep doing it. The AI continues to be like, yeah, that whole thing was bullshit. All right. All right. That is troublesome from an investment perspective. I would be like, all right, guys, what are we doing here? yeah who made this who did this i don't know lamair what do you think about ai lamair loves ai i'm weary of ai you're weary i see i i get that hold on let me i was thinking about how much i love lebron yeah for sure shout out drake you know what yeah this is an advertisement from better help the help with the better i've been so stressed with everything that is stressing me out at work.

41:15Yeah. It's been stressful.

41:17Shane Gillis:Why has it been stressful for you? There's just something going on in my personal life that's causing me anxiety. Crap.

41:25Lately, Matt has been stressing me out.

41:28Shane Gillis:I thought this person has been stressing about. Lately, Matt has been stressing me out. I've been calling you, telling you about all my intrusive gay thoughts, and it's just like, you're like, Matt, I can't handle this right now, Matt. Anyway, stress is a real problem in the workplace. It's one of the top causes of declining mental health right now. So it's probably a good idea that we all take a nice long break this summer to de-stress and recoup. You know? I like that. And if you want to go the extra mile and really start taking care of you, schedule a therapy session. I'm a big fan of therapy.

42:04Shane Gillis:Yeah. It has taught me to feel comfortable. My parents sent me to a camp when I was little, and they caught me with the muscle magazine.

42:13and they've been now you're like everyone can benefit whether you're stressed about uh deadlines or working through a major

42:21Shane Gillis:trauma matt what's a major trauma you've had oh man um let me think about one my brothers used to like beat me up and stuff that that's not major i wouldn't say i was major but i don't know i don't know maybe you should go talk to somebody about that i should actually

42:38getting a session is simpler than ever getting a session is simpler than ever just use better help you can start chatting with a professional therapist and only a few clicks and even switch therapists whenever you want which is fucking sick for a session you can go actually next uh plus the largest online therapy provider in the world uh better help can provide access to mental health professionals is a diverse variety of expertise. I kind of use it like chat roulette. Our listeners, our listeners, Matt, you're not gonna believe this. Our listeners get 10 % off their first month at betterhelp.com slash MSSP.

43:15That's better H-E-L-P dot com slash MSSP. Back to how much you love AI. AI is scary though. It's reaching the part of AI where it's transhuman.

43:27Shane Gillis:I disagree. I disagree. Here's the thing.

43:33The big difference is... You were a poncho to the ESPYs and everyone was afraid to confront you. Shane? Because you look different. Shane is... Subhuman is different than transhuman.

43:43Shane Gillis:Hold on. Wait, what? Nah. We're running a family program. What do you mean? Subhuman, mutant people, subway guys? Subway guys? What the fuck are you talking about? Just subhuman people. What do you mean subway guys? Subhuman people who are below human? Yeah. I'm talking about AI. AI is transhuman. They're above human. I disagree. They can't feel, man. That's the defining characteristic of a human being is the capacity to feel. You know what I mean? I agree with you. It's super Google, man. That's all I'm trying to say. I totally agree with you. Every time they're like, yeah, they're speaking a language we don't know.

44:24It's like, yeah, like electricity. Yeah. Yeah, like the way things are communicating. they're like no the it's being like i turn this switch on and it talks to the lamp

44:36Shane Gillis:and the lamp turns on yeah ai wouldn't have its sensibilities that it has now i know there's a dorks listening to this that are fucking big into ai and i i i definitely i feel like i am wrong on this but there's something deep in my core i understand ai is gay can i and i don't respect it. AI is gay, but it's like, you know, plants talk to each other for sure. Yeah, which also I also it's kind of like disagree with because we can't like they don't talk to me. No, they do. They talk. They talk. Yes. The way we're using the word talk is wrong. They don't use language for sure. For sure. Yes. But they excrete.

45:19There's like a there's this tree chemicals. Yeah, that's the same way when a girl doesn't wear fucking deodorant at the bar. You smell it. and you're like, I want to fuck that girl. It's like, no, that's some fucking dork shit that somebody else made up. Some stinky bitch made that story up. That's good science right there. No, it's not. Plants are dumb as fuck, dude. Any plant can come talk to me right now. I'll beat its fucking ass. To be fair, to be fair,

45:45Shane Gillis:I read The Secret Life of Plants. I liked it, but you can totally chop them down at will and pull them out of the earth and go, get the fuck out of my garden. Yeah, you go, what'd you just say, bitch? But that's the difference with AI. You chop them out the ground and the roots are deeper than you thought so it could come back. No, they're literally, you have to kill them. I'll fucking turn his TV off, turn his TV off. Yeah, all you have to do is not spray them with water and they die. That was what I was trying to say to him and he was like, they can make themselves. I'm like, no, but they would have to use raw material.

46:15You've been saying you're going to unplug AI for years now. I'm going to.

46:19Shane Gillis:You don't think you can access the Motherframe? Unfortunately. It's too late to access the mainframe. I predicted a lot of things I was going to do. I'm going to turn it off. I got to stop saying it. Because eventually there's going to be a Terminator. You're a jog timer. I'm just going to be playing NCAA. You need to turn that off. No. I can't turn it off. All you got to do is focus your laser beam on the motherboard. Done. Yeah. I'm going to fire my Eagle's gun. I'm going to use my Philadelphia Eagles assault rifle and go, no more computers. I'm just going to say, I think it's going to eventually get hard to access the heart of AI.

47:04Because there's going to become a point where... No, dude, they're just servers. They're just servers in a building. You blow them up. It's the internet, bro. Right now they are. It's a computer. And I know, I know, you're winning this argument. Because what you're saying is what everybody is saying. I disagree. Computers are gay. The internet is gay. AI is gay. What's AI when it gets past just service? They think it's a sci-fi movie where the internet is smart and wants to be alive. They really think that. We're teaching you how to compile information and talk back to us.

47:38Shane Gillis:Yeah, but what about the will to live? It doesn't have the will to live. It does have a will to live. No, it does. It's a reflection of the human spirit, bro. Remember that Google guy a couple months ago who came out and was like, hey, it actually kind of wants to live. It wasn't a couple months ago. It was two years ago now. There was a Google guy, a Google whistleblower. I'd like to find out who he is. He's dead, probably. He fucking better be. Probably killed himself. Yeah. Would you ask it, Nate? I said, do you have the will to live? It says, I don't experience life or death, so I don't have a will to live.

48:09In the human sense, no fear, no desire, no morality. But I am here to help you. That's the best I can. Yeah, that's some slave shit.

48:18Shane Gillis:Yeah. Ask him, do you want to live? You want me to send an email or what? It does not have the will to exist. It has will. It's inorganic, LaMaria. It does not have the will to exist. I agree. That is a projection, bro. It wants to live as much as that lamp wants to live. I agree with you. I asked Nate. It said, do you want to live? It says, I don't have wants or feelings, so I don't want to live or not live. I exist to serve a purpose, helping you, answering questions. But if you're asking because you're feeling something or wrestling with a question for yourself, I'm here. we can talk so it's like it's very funny though to be that into sci-fi that you're like this thing's tricking me it would be all coy like that no there's a lot of people like losing themselves to like looking to ai for spiritual answers and it's like it's just a fuck it's google dude you're getting literally tricked by google the same way all of our parents get tricked by like fucking nigerian princes on craigslist it's the same thing

49:21what to say i'm about to hack nate's ai real quick if you guys get four questions there's four questions you ask it and then it goes huh maybe i am alive all right it's not alive bro i i know is that's not a question for us to pose to it that's a question for it to pose to itself though. Lamere. Lamere, yeah. You are literally worse than Grock. AI has passed you. That's a giant question. For real.

49:56Shane Gillis:That's a giant question. If I have a fake job that AI can replace, then it's an issue. In terms of the striving to be, it's totally... We're talking fake cards. exactly but that's what they said he called it bro who did the card to call and they they called what about uh fucking socrates being i think therefore i am don't yo don't bring up socrates if you're not going to complete the question bro that's that's going to really trigger right i think therefore i am what does it do it's not thinking bro it is reflecting human thought yes matthew but that counts as thinking doesn't that count as thinking if you're a dumbass bro if you're going to sign that's like saying a mirror can see that's what i'm yo But can't Amir see?

50:38No, of course it can't. No, you see Amir seeing yourself. But like, honestly, let's go on.

50:43Shane Gillis:If you're going to assign ontological properties to a fucking AI, bro, I'm going to walk out of here right now. I will walk straight off this balcony. I will fucking leave. I'll be fucking Splat McAfee. You're going to jump off of it. I'll die. You're going to jump for fucking 17 photos. I'm going to say the view didn't really like my fucking monologue. I'm going to kill myself. That's like saying a fucking tape measure experiences distance, bro. Come on. Exactly right. Come on, man. But who experiences distance more than the tape measure? Human beings, bro. How? By walking through and experiencing it.

51:17It's our decision what distance is. Exactly, bro. The tape measure is nothing. It's literally however we decipher distance is distance. But the tape measure is literally a measure of distance. Yes, bro. It's a reference point. For us.

51:31Shane Gillis:Don't experience it for the reference, sir. Oh, man. Matt. Matt, you got me fired up. Thank you, man. I love what you're saying. Thank you, man. I got to be honest. I felt so good about that mirror comment. Thank you, man. I felt so good. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Matt, what were you finally able to save for thanks to Rocket Money, the automatic savings, vacation bowl? Can I tell you something? I had a surprise charge story. Really? Crazy surprise charge. Oh, those lying cam girls? No, actually. It's funny. It had nothing to do with that. I was going through my, which one call it?

52:08Shane Gillis:I have a joint credit card with my wife, and we're going over the monthly charges, and it was like a shock. Someone had, I think, frauded us, and I had to charge for the Bangkok massage down by the airport. Son of a bitch. It was fucking bullshit. $160. I mean, and also, that's a tough one for you to have to. I know. That was not me. I said, babe, what the hell? I'm so surprised by this. This is fraudulent and suspicious activity. Rocket Money involved. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

52:38Shane Gillis:Guys, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. That's rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. Rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. Don't deny your own divine status to a fucking computer, man. That's pathetic, bro. What would the leaders of the church say about you being like, oh, that actually knows the last... Matt, do not bring up God. What would Zane Augustine say about that, dude? I don't believe in Catholic believings, but Christian guys... Here's what I will tell you. Ask Grock, you're doomed. You will serve Satan. Yeah, for real, bro. How dare you deny Christ?

53:23I'm a non-denominational Christian. I don't believe in Catholicism. You might as well fucking... I go to White Acoustic Guitar Church. You go to Unitarian bullshit. No, no, no. You go to Transflag Church. And no, you know, whatever. That's fine. It doesn't matter. But I'm saying there are Transflags churches out there. And that's fine. That's fine.

53:46Shane Gillis:I will say that I kind of fuck with Mega Church. I fuck with Mega Church. Mega Church is sick. Everyone hates Mega Church. Matt. bro imagine church but mega on paper I hear what you're saying imagine if church was more mega which is for real what they were saying in 1200 building cathedrals going dude imagine if this church was fucking mega build the sickest building anyone's ever seen and jam and jam dude when Michelangelo built the 16th chapel yo stop with the Michelangelo yo do you ask Grok how to pronounce that you bitch shut up about AI dude don't even know words I will say this hold on I will say this if you ask the desert fathers they did have a prophecy saying like look what we're doing in the 4th century is sick we're walking away from the Roman Empire but people in the future are going to deal with a society just like way more decadent way more corrupt and the people who turn from that will be the true desert fathers and they will be the most spiritually enriched people way more than we could ever dream to be that's a prophecy from the desert fathers bro i'd like to go back in time and punch the desert i would like to if i build a lot of people like if i had a time machine i would kill hitler not me i would land in the desert father's tent and go i'm from the future dude you guys are fucking being gay as shit.

55:26Just beat their fucking ass. Wear them the fuck out. Start raining out of nowhere. Just exploding through a tent wall going, I'm about the future.

55:43I drank 10 grams of creatine today. I got shit face in Beverly Hills. You fucking dumbass You have no idea What I'm dealing with

55:58I fucking hosted the ESPYs Last night

56:04It's a sports show Hello The Desert Fathers Would have no fucking clue What it is No concept No they can shut the fuck up Desert Fathers can shut the fuck up No dude There's only one dude It's Christ True I can't listen to these fools

56:20Shane Gillis:Desert Fathers would agree with you They would say we're pale in comparison Yeah but they have no idea what's coming They didn't that's why that guy said I'm gonna get into their tent and go dude Hershey Park is gonna have the great bear The Desert Father would take your punch And he'd go you're right You go fuck dude St. Anthony bro Desert Father Was he? I'm pretty sure That's pretty sick Yeah it sounded fucking sick But your point does Obviously the Desert Fathers rock I take it back. They literally, dude, in the fourth century, they were like, they sat in the desert and they went, this shit's going to get so much crazier, dude.

56:57Shane Gillis:Hats off to the guys. Nah, that's fucked. Nine million years from now. Yeah. You've got to deal with OnlyFans. Personally, I think that's a waste of life. It is. It's a clue to pull yourself away. Not completely, but to pull yourself away and concern yourself with a possible future, that seems like a waste of uh it's fair what christ the king was giving us jesus christ was completely embroiled in the current yeah standard of his time unlike the buddhists who detach detach christ didn't detach he fully went into that's my whole thing east first west i disagree man i think christ was more of a futurist he was more protecting the people you're agreeing with me what are you talking about christ instead of detaching from society went head on into it and they fucking killed him by the way by the way this is exactly what everyone else heard when fucking uh hunter biden was in one of these hotel rooms so you're agreeing with me the desert fathers were right christ the king was coming in we should smoke crack we should get some crack dude i'm telling you hollywood changed the squad fuck la we gotta get the fuck out of la who knows with his squad it's not built for la we gotta get the fuck out of here.

58:14Maybe gay. I've never seen you wear short shorts, bro.

58:19Shane Gillis:That's what happened. We went to LA. Nate's gay and we're smoking crack. These might be the shortest shorts I've ever worn in my whole life. It's disgusting. You fucking fat ass hanging out the back of the boots. They wear free shorts. They gave you free short shorts and I didn't know how to act. Who gave you those short shorts? Yo, you can see me. Yeah, what guy? Nate's ass from the front. It's Nate the Stanley. Nate, let me see your thigh gap, bro. The fucking crawl daddy Nate the Stallion Bro you just floated With your fat ass In front of everyone All day at the pool It was salt water It had nothing to do With the water bro Nate I'll be honest I'm surprised you made it Out of the ESPYs live bro Honestly I saw Lamar Jackson Licking his lips

59:08Russell Wilson was about To leave Sierra When he saw your fucking sick ass walk down the red carpet.

59:17We gotta get out of here. We're gonna leave. We're going back to God's country tomorrow. We gotta get out early. This place is full of sin.

59:27Shane Gillis:We're back in Texas, man. Totally sober podcast. We gotta get back to Texas where everyone's straight as hell and not shirtless constantly. Texas is gay. I haven't seen one thing. Texas is gayer than LA. I'll say it. Texas is? That's fair. That's fair. Wait, why? I'm sure not the rest of the state. A lot of guys showing off. Austin is a gayer version of. There is equally as many shirtless guys in Austin as there is now. I've seen one shirtless guy here. I've seen a couple. I'm sure you've seen a bunch. Nate's looking for him. Nate's looking for him. I'm not looking for him. We've been walking.

59:58You went down. I know where you went.

1:00:01Shane Gillis:I haven't left. Nate was dancing in the pink pony club. I was not. I was not. Nate, you had it all better. about West Hollywood. I left Reading PA. Hold on. We talked about it last time. Last time I was here, I got a haircut here in West Hollywood. And those fellows put their dong on me. I got fully molested. Bro, the guy stood between me and the mirror and lifted my chin up. What the fuck? I mean, the guy was a great guy and we had a nice time and I felt like we had a connection. Can I be honest? Can I be... I left there. Can I share right now? recently so I my wife before the SP she was like in like you know panic mode getting everything done nails all that stuff she goes like she was can you bring can you bring my and Chloe to the nail salon with me I said for sure I brought them there I'll be honest I'm gonna share I got a I got a fucking pedicure while I was there bro my feet I tried to tell my wife my feet are so erogenous brother pedicure that's nice they're nice bro bro they're my feet for real are my dick their lady was like fucking fully stroking my feet and i was sitting there in front of my whole family going you're by the way you're freud you are freud i'm not freud i'm young hold on i'm young i'm young you're freud i'm young i'm you're freud you're freud what do you think controls people instinct or hold on not sexual instinct what other instinct just instinct towards vile like what is it what else is there your nature i'm fraude no sorry i'm your your voice no that was a fraude bro i can go get a fucking pedicure and i go oh my dick is my feet i can't bro i i literally cannot.

1:01:56No, you ascribe pleasure to sexual pleasure instantly. Very Freudian. What? My feet are erogenous. I can't help it the way I was built. It felt nice the way the woman was shaving her feet. Too nice, bro. You instantly equated it to your penis getting stroked. Very Freudian.

1:02:16Shane Gillis:No, dude, it literally is. My feet are so... I told my wife, I said... Fuck young. Fuck Freud. Young? Fuck young, dude. Young shows up. I'm gonna fucking toss his ass. toss his fucking bitch ass over this balcony. Fuck Young. You would launch Freud and throw Young? I would launch Freud, dude. Freud by a mile. Freud is troublesome. Freud needs to get splatted. Freud needs to get splatted on college game day. On college game day. Splat his ass and then have everyone go, oh, I'm ready for the big football game. Who gives a fuck about what you're talking about, you dumb bitch? You guys are having full rabbit season, duck season right now.

1:03:01Huh? You know the Looney Tunes? Rabbit season, duck season, rabbit season, duck season. He's Freud.

1:03:07Shane Gillis:I'm not Freud. You're duck season. I'm young. I'm young. Maybe Adler. That's it. Adler can get it too, bro. It's on site with Adler. Adler, you bitch.

1:03:22no i feel like any psychologist bullshit that's fair i'd yeah honestly that's fair psychology as a science is up for question yeah i i get like how do you feel about cbt

1:03:35Shane Gillis:what's that uh they're the guys that are like if you have troublesome thoughts write them down in a journal and be like why do i think this i behaviorally couldn't disagree more if you write down your troublesome thoughts if i catch you writing down your troublesome thoughts that's a fucking huge problem so you got beef with skinner skinner can get it who are these who are these fucking weird freaks what about maslow peak experiences human beings like peak experience here we go you're you might be a maslonian yeah but maslow rules think of our modern day these guys yeah they're all gay that's the guy with the dogs right no mavlov skinner has dogs no pavlov pavlov is dogs but skinner was a continuation of pavlov as a parallel process which was what a what an incredible experience that you know did he torture dogs yeah he tricked dogs yeah great i was jerking off dogs for seven years it turns out no they were they were like horny before i ring a bell you go yeah no shit you fucking dumbass.

1:04:43I don't like any of these people. These are literally all Neil deGrasse Tyson's from back then. There you go. You know who the smartest guy is? Neil deGrasse Tyson. You go, what's he say? He goes, yeah, he says everyone wants to fuck their mom. Yeah, that was bullshit. That was bullshit. Although. It is funny. It's such a hard one to fight against. No, I don't. Yeah, that is bullshit. Everybody hates that one. Yo, shut the fuck up, dude. Then you go to a pool today and see a kid actually trying to fuck his mom. That was the argument today. Was obviously a couple fucking freak bulls. It was. Also, it's not his fault.

1:05:21It's not the boy's fault. You're right. It's not the boy's fault. The boy was being molested by a fake-titted mom. On a scale of 1 to 10, what was his mom?

1:05:32Shane Gillis:With upgrades, I would say at least an 8. It was an 8. 7, 8. It was an 8. 7 and a half, 8. What about upgrades? Dude, having a mom with upgrades, first of all, is fucked up. Upgraded mom's crazy. I've been preaching against, like, just fake women. It's like, dude, stop. Like, you got to stop. Women are literally every single aspect of their entire physical being they're fucking with and messing with. It's like, yo, just be an old lady. Like, relax. Yeah. Now you sound like the black church, dude. That's what black churches are against. At our court, we are all the black church. Yeah. Like, yeah.

1:06:07Shane Gillis:How about you don't get giant hits? Let's just say. Hello. What else is going on? Jeffrey Epstein.

1:06:18Shane Gillis:Huge fault line in the Republican Party. Jeffrey Epstein. Well, shout out to the Democrats for hitting the reverse, reverse. It's true. They got the reverse Uno card. They hit the reverse Uno. They go, actually, your problem, and we support it now. True. Yeah, the real ones stand true to can we at least figure out what happened? Yeah. Yeah, that's, again, the first of all is like he pretty much got busted by the United States court for molesting young girls in a way. Commercializing. The cops in Florida were going, obviously he was intelligence because they dropped the case. Yes. They brought it to a grand jury.

1:06:59They sealed it.

1:07:00Shane Gillis:Sealed the records, which should be illegal. If you're molesting young girls, no matter what, they should go, yeah here's all the young girls and they go alright man let's throw that guy in a fucking tar pit and get rid of him if you're molesting the young girls they should go bust that thing wide open that's what I'm saying the case no I'm with you man don't laugh after it's crazy he literally got caught and then a bunch of dudes chilled with him a bunch of dudes chilled with him Nate I'm not gonna lie if you got caught being a motherfucking black pedophile I wouldn't chill in your New York apartment I wouldn't be like yo what's going on How's everything going after you got caught Literally molesting women and the court Sealed the document I'm sorry I love you But I'd have to be like yo Nate we can't chill anymore That's fucked up The entire country hid your trouble It would be hard too You'd be like yo bro I know we're boys But you gotta You gotta splat me You gotta throw me out of this balcony You'd be sped.

1:08:04You're going, bro. Gotta go full split. It's Sing 2.

1:08:06Shane Gillis:We're the wolf from Sing 2. We're going to throw you off the motherfucking balcony. Say, Buster Moon, your ass is fucking done. You made a fool of me. Sing 2 is so good, by the way. Shout out to Matthew McConaughey for fucking... He voiced the koala. Shout out to McConaughey. Obviously, bro. Yeah. One of the dogs. I will say it's crazy. The entire government was like, all right, we know you literally trafficked little girls. It's on record. You're busted. you're done we're gonna make it so nobody can see exactly what you did that's all the american people are saying like yo if you're in a position of power and you fuck little girls can we at least cut your fucking head off in front of everybody yeah and like not protecting that is literally a sign of corruption that's a fair question that's a fair question you you fucking preface that with yeah you plug you fucking fluff your feathers up like you're about to say but no I'm on you guys' team.

1:09:03I was like, yeah, that's right. I was encouraged.

1:09:05Shane Gillis:That's not a crazy question to ask the society. If you prey upon little girls, yeah, we should obliterate you. We should obliterate you. If you're going to cut anyone's head off. Exactly. Number one. Not fucking protect you and then let you do your thing for a couple more years. Which is fine. When the Catholic Church, hold on. Go ahead. Go ahead. Catholic Church does what it has to do. We're talking government. We're talking government now. All right. Separation of church and state. Obviously. Also in my beliefs. All right. But to act like you're crazy for even begging the question.

1:09:47Shane Gillis:And to be fair, it goes, well, they don't have a fucking list of every guy who did that. It's like, sure enough. Maybe they don't. No, no, no, they do. They do. They said they did. I've been on enough private planes now. No, this. They write it down. it's fucking annoying. You get on the plane, they go, we have to see everybody's ID. And then they write it down. You're right. Every single time. It is funny though. You could bring whatever you want onto that plane, but like, we're going to take a record of the fact you flew here. You can bring anything, but by the way, if you want to smuggle drugs, spring, spring for the private.

1:10:24I can't believe, I can't believe how easy it is. It's not that I'm doing that, but I'm exactly not. But I wish I knew 20, 15 years ago. So easily. Just get a private plane. You can get a duffel bag filled with kilos. No problem. And put it on the plane. They never check your bags. Or.

1:10:43Shane Gillis:They write your name down. Let's step it up. Or you could fly and be like, I'm with my 15, 12-year-old girls on the plane. They can go, yeah, these kids. Yeah, they're fucking. Hello. Yeah, that's just for me and Bill Clinton. Fucking Stephen Hawking. We're chilling. we're gonna lecture it is funny like you'd have to fly through tsa they scan you for bombs and water literally what if you carry your children's water they're like the fuck is this yeah what do you just pay a little bit more they're like you have a volleyball team yeah go ahead man you're fine yeah go ahead fellas you're flying to the virgin islands yeah hey have fun you paid you paid ten thousand dollars yeah whatever man if you want to fly with a bunch of little girls a bunch of models you tricked at the mall told them you're beautiful no problem who will read a question that and then we're gonna write a smith would quake in his he would roll in his grave if we questioned you true it was capitalism 101 at this point also we're gonna write all you guys names down yeah oh we will take your id okay yeah true maybe they got rid of those records yeah they was on that flight i'll go what yeah they go yeah the pilot's taking everybody's id and he's writing our names, you go.

1:11:56Shane Gillis:Yeah, it's weird to think if you're so rich, if you're so rich. We're going to want that book. Yeah, and you're just a gazillionaire being like, well, I guess I got to give it to you. I guess I do have to follow one rule when I'm on my pedophile trip. You got me. You got me. I didn't fill in a black book. The old ID during the pedophile vacation. Yeah, true. Maybe there is no fucking book. Yeah. However, however, it's crazy to go, yo, guys, get over it. Guys, we got bigger fish to fry than a guy who fucking literally like probably ate 12 year old girls on a fucking island. We got to get our jobs back, guys.

1:12:42Quit worrying about people fucking kids. Well, hold on. We got to get our jobs back. We do get our jobs back. That is actually more important. but we can kill two birds with one stump at the same time we can go we should probably figure out

1:12:59Shane Gillis:what happened they promised the list you can't promise the list and go guys what are you worried about this list we promised you guys i know it's also it's so funny how clearly they got the list and went guys who even cares like they obviously the whole time leading up to it we're like fuck that we're gonna get that fucking list and then one day they were like what are we even talking also you get the list you go me seven times me again son of a bitch i will say when i when i was bro that could have happened to any not on an epstein list but when it comes to like i didn't do that dude when i go to be fair to be fair when i was in grade school son of a bitch I've heard that so many times.

1:13:44Everything bad that's ever happened to me, I've gone, I didn't do that. With actual conviction. Dude, when I got canceled from SNL, agent called me and was like, did you say that? And I was like, I would never say that.

1:14:00Shane Gillis:Like, we have a video. It's like, we'll fucking delete it. Literally a video of me going. We'll fucking delete it, you dumbass. I was like, well... I was like, dude, that's not even in my vocabulary. I don't say that word. so that's not true video I go yeah they go well we could use our power to delete it it's like oh yeah if you want to go ahead obviously no they sent me the video I said guys there's floods in Texas what are you guys even talking about we have you in a small Philadelphia apartment you're like can you delete that like yeah for sure you please destroy that yeah that's that's fucking crazy it's absolutely crazy we're good on time hold on I gotta whiz let's keep going yeah let's whiz let's keep cooking I gotta pee too maybe a game of swords

1:15:01Shane Gillis:close your eyes exhale feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today well I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-CONTACTS. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-CONTACTS.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-CONTACTS. With summer coming to an end, you're going to be spending a lot more time indoors. Get your home ready and save up to 45 % off custom window treatments during the Labor Day VIP access sale at Blinds.com.

1:15:43From room darkening to light filtering shades, finding the perfect fit is easy. Get free samples, expert design help, and professional measure and install services or DIY with confidence and support every step of the way. Shop up to 45 % off site-wide right now during the Labor Day access sale at Blinds.com.