Ep 569 - A Derosa Garden (feat. Joe Derosa)

28:26Go home and download it and practice? No, I want to play it. That's game stealing. That's coward shit. That game sucks. That game sucks by yourself. No, it doesn't, dude. You have not played with Conan, man. It's fucking righteous, dude. It's righteous. When you win a match, he goes like this, and they recreate the poster from Conan the Barbarian. How many times do you get to see that? I've never get told. Seven dozen. It never gets old. No, it never gets old, dude. It never gets old. And the guy doing his voice is good. T-1000's awesome.

29:03Yeah.

29:03Shane Gillis:Quest mode sucks in Mortal Kombat. One player blows. One player sucks. Yeah. One player. I've tried it. It fucking sucks. But training, just being in the dojo training and just being like, yeah, let's pop it on. Oh, what are you guys playing? 17-hit combo. You're like, what the hell? The fuck did I do that? Combos are nuts. The trailer for the new movie looks all right. Yeah, I like them more. Really? I disagree. I like that at the end when Scorpion flew in and they did the get over here. I didn't make it to the end. Oh, really? I turned it off with like 30 seconds or like 20 seconds. I don't think he's a good Johnny Cage.

29:39I think it's miscast. Who's playing? I think so, too. Carl Urban from, what's he on? The Boys? The Boys, yeah. Yeah. he doesn't look like Johnny Cage. Like, Johnny Cage was kind of modeled after Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yeah. And, like, Johnny Cage, he should be prettier. Like, he's not, Carl Urban's not pretty enough. The whole cool thing about Johnny Cage is that he's, like, a pretty boy. He's a pretty boy. But he's a badass. Yeah, he punches you in the dick. Yeah. It literally should be like Ryan Felipe. You know what I mean? Yeah. Wait, not Ryan Felipe. Ryan Gosling. I've never heard him called Ryan Felipe.

30:11No, Ryan Felipe's a dude. No, I know, but I always thought it was Felipe.

30:15Shane Gillis:No, I think it's Felipe I thought it was Felipe too Really? They should have Kevin Spacey as Johnny Cage Hold on a second By the way, shout out to Felipe We were just chilling with him He's a listener of the podcast Felipe's gonna hear that Oh really? Yeah, I'm a big fan of Felipe The way of the gun Yeah, he's the fucking cool Oh, you know what? Actually, Ryan, if you are listening I know that I know that you were friends with Sean Price, and Sean Price is, to me, one of the greatest rappers that ever lived. Game steal, friend steal. What else you got? There it is. Shout-outs to Sean Price. Shout-outs to Ryan Felipe.

30:55Yeah. But, yeah, Sean Price rips. Hold on. How am I first?

30:59Shane Gillis:You guys never heard of his? It's Felipe. I've always heard of Felipe. It's Felipe? Yeah, that's how I always pronounce it. This is nuts. My actor database is horrible. It's, like, embarrassing. People, you know, like, well, I'm like, I've never, no. It's got to be Will Smith, Robert Williams. I'm like A-plus actors. It has to be A-plus. How do you pronounce it? Guys, produce the show. I'm just crying. It's like, there's four dudes out there. This guy's just staring at us. Look at LeMaire. He's cashing a check right now. He's a mobile man. Oh, my God. LeMaire, you can't see it at home. LeMaire's feet aren't touching the ground.

31:35He's on a stool. Fully just. He's swinging his feet. You guys got me fully charged to talk about Mortal Kombat. Nice. We can get some MK going. I hate Mortal Kombat now. Why? It used to be. It sucks. The lore's bad. I knew it was Philippe. It is? Yes. Wait, who said? No, you can't go by the way the Google voice thing did.

31:54Shane Gillis:They probably actually. Oh, really? Everybody's always. It's Ryan Philippe. Whoa, I've been calling him Felipe forever. Holy shit. Felipe's crazy. Philippe. I think it's got a beautiful ring to it. Felipe I knew I wasn't wrong dude I knew me and Ryan were boys Dang Damn Damn you tried to friend steal And mispronounce his name Yeah he's probably furious right now That's crazy Dude I'm gonna play fucking Mortal Kombat With Ryan I'm gonna let my I'm gonna let my I'm gonna let my I'm gonna let my I'm gonna let my Wild Wild West I'm gonna go find a dude That pronounces it Felipe And he's gonna be my friend Yeah Yeah, timestamp that one.

32:39This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.

32:45Shane Gillis:Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah, every time. Yeah, every single time. Yeah, I did it all week. It's a fucking disaster. I left a, I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning. Yeah. It was crazy. There's nothing wrong with that. No, it was a little paint job. Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra? Do you ever need it? Pretty much an extra pair per day. Yeah, I always bring extra underwear, yeah. Yeah. Not because I'm fucking shitting my pants constantly. Yeah, I used to really work it out. What the fuck are you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down?

33:15Does it make a difference? What is going on, dude? How horny are these people? What do they want to know?

33:21Shane Gillis:There's got to be something about standing up, though. I'm a stand-up wiper, honestly. Sitting down, I just smears everything. I don't know. I can't do it. Well, Matt, whichever way you wipe, it's time to show your B-hole some respect and upgrade to dude wipes. Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss, and the flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. They leave no room for dingleberries or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Plus, they're extra large and designed for adults. So no more endless rolls or settling for a less than perfect wipe. Dude wipes. Best clean pants down. Available. These guys are really funny.

33:54Amazon. It's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide.

33:59Shane Gillis:Hey, guys. Just a quick heads up. I'll be at the Ovation Hall in the Ocean Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey, Saturday, August 16th, the year 2025. Please come. You can go to mattmccusker.com for tickets. There's also a link in the show description. Please come. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a hoot. It's going to be a good time. And, dude, the new material is coming. New materials. The new material is coming, so I will have a whole slew of new stuff. If you see me in Philadelphia. Guys, get ready. Get the fuck out. What are you waiting for? I mean, it's going to be, Ocean is a sick venue, actually.

34:33Shane Gillis:I opened that for you. It is. It's awesome. Yeah. So, please come. Matt, August 8th and 9th, I'll be in Louisville, Kentucky, and St. Louis, Missouri. My God. August 8th and 9th, Louisville, Kentucky, St. Louis, Missouri. Huge. Then August 15th, Detroit, 16th, Grand Rapids. Nice. Come on, y 'all. Come on, gang. Just come out. Get in there, Maze. Maze. You get in there, Maze. Oh, turn him around. Yes. Hey, everybody. August 5th is Optimal Noctis. And then also, at the end of the month, like the 26th to the 30th. Get the dates right before you come in here. August 26th to August 30th, I'll be in the East Coast.

35:13So please come check out Dojo's. Just on the East Coast. I'll be in the Philadelphia. No. I'll be in Baltimore. I'll be in New Jersey, the Dojo of Comedy. And then various other bars. So please, check out all that information on lamarily.fun. There you go. nice oh yes yes yes dang there you have it man that's huge i didn't know that

35:38Shane Gillis:yeah it's big dude i have actually i've had a huge development so you know i suffer from body acne you know i suffer in silence my stomach breaks out especially with the sweat and the heat down here i'm sorry yeah thank you man it's fucking dude i found i you know i went to a dermatologist and like dude those guys i i don't they don't do anything everything i'm like whenever i eat this you know why don't you shower all right thanks no they're like well there's no you know like whatever you eat whatever i'm like no dude if i dairy my whole stomach breaks out they're like there's no real science behind that i'm like dude it literally i've lived it it's a lit experience yeah it happens every time there you deny my truth so you give you all these creams and you read them and it's like don't use this more than two weeks it's like why what's gonna happen why should i put this on at all yeah dude recently uh it's been for real like groundbreaking because whenever you go to the ocean you know your skin clears up yeah so i was like how could i recreate that i got a bucket of dead sea salt and i just go in the shower now i wet myself and i just cover myself in salt head to toe and just let it sit let it sit on me for like five minutes completely cleared my skin up yeah my wife hates it i'm gonna have to grub you dude grub me up you better stop i taste i'm like wag you i'm like you're like grubbing yourself dude dude it cleared it up it's the only thing that's ever worked and it's salt it's fun you get a big bucket of it for 30 bucks Yeah, sun and salt water are the two.

36:55I had, I don't know why, I forget what happened, but I had like a full-on acne outbreak a year ago. Really? Or a year and a half ago, and it was in the winter. And I think it was, yeah, it was gross. It sucks, dude. It sucks being our age and getting acne. It's the worst. What the fuck is happening? But it was because I was still living in New York, and it was raining every day, and it was dark. It was definitely related to weather. and i went and i did the joker's cruise and it cleared up on the cruise yeah like it just cleared up immediately as soon as i got in the sun and there was like a saltwater pool bro i had yep i had an insane like a rare skin disease when i was younger that sucks like yeah just out of no i've told you that's peter isis yeah yeah out of nowhere i've never seen anything like it it was just patches of red all over me and it didn't itch didn't burn it was nothing does it look like a red spot like sunburn first one there's a herald patch that comes first i was just looking at mirror and i just had a big red mark here okay and i was like all right whatever i don't give a fuck and then started multiplying it was just all over me but it was only where sun doesn't get you so it's from your knees to your elbows like it was just where you wear clothes yeah and then my family and i went to the beach clear it up clear it up did it ever but i had to lay in public with a giant red skin rash.

38:19Yeah. Did it ever get like rashy and raised or was it always just like your skin? It was a little rashy and raised, but it still didn't itch or hurt. Yeah, skin's fucking weird because it is an organ. It's an organ on your body. You're right about dermatologists though. Like a dermatologist will be like, yep, that's pretty gross. You know, here's some cream. You know, like, and the cream, the reason you can't do it for more than two weeks is because a lot of it's, it will, it thins your skin. Yeah. And what I've had with the creams is - You must have used it a lot. I have, I get a thing called - No, no.

38:46Sensitive ass. I get a thing called

38:52Shane Gillis:Also I've had it washed down to my balls And my ball skin Would go crazy from whatever they were giving me Ball skin goes the craziest Ball skin goes the absolute craziest When that stuff goes down That's three years That's not going away for three fucking years It's the worst dude I actually dealt with an armpit rash For an entire year last year What were you using? A new deodorant with alcohol in it? It was the same old deodorants. It was almost like I got jock itch. Yes, I've gotten that before. And it just lingered. I think there's nothing worse than an armpit rash. Because you have to put deodorant on it.

39:27And it burns and it itches so bad. I was plowing through it. I was just putting fucking antifungal cream on and filming tires. It was while we were filming tires. It went from the summer into when we were filming tires. It was a nightmare.

39:44Shane Gillis:I don't wear deodorant. I'll put it on like once every now and again. Do you not sweat, though? I do. And I'll smell a little bit, but it's like, dude, my armpits get dry from deodorant. It's like I fucking hate. Remember Brute? Yeah. Dude, that stuff was flammable. I used to run it across the carpet and light it on fire and it would just go make like a line. Jesus Christ. Sick. The carpet? I fucked up a beach rental when I was a little kid one time because I would make designs in the carpet. You would light for two seconds. Just like little. I didn't do that. I didn't do the. Yeah, I did the swat.

40:17Shane Gillis:You know the coolest design possible to set on fire? I would do little loop-de-loop tracks. The one time, it did get out of control. I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. How did your parents not know you were lighting the carpet on fire? I don't know. I would just do it and put it out. It was a beach trip. They were probably fucking shit-faced. But at one time, yeah, they were. It was a beach trip. It was 11 a.m. They were blacked out at the beach. Yeah, my parents never drank growing up, so they knew everything I was doing. I wish I had parents that fucking just got rocked. Sorry, I was a joke about it, but it is.

40:46it is the best yeah i mean you have a parent come home drunk you go for sure this is a fun day yeah

40:52Shane Gillis:yeah i missed out dad is awesome your dad gets drunk when you're little although the first time i did get scared because i read a book in the library saying like it was all about like hitting your what hitting your mom so it's like the book was called like why does dad hit mom when he drinks it was something like that first time i saw my dad drunk i was just like he's beating the fuck out of my mom right now and i was just a little coward i just sat in my room like i I hope he doesn't go too hard on her. He didn't at all. He was so friendly. You were saving private Ryan. He sat on the steps and cried.

41:19Yeah.

41:21Shane Gillis:I should go in there. He was just literally like. He would come in and be like. And I'd be like. Well dad don't fucking beat mom. Oh that's great drunk. Dad. That's super friendly. Top drunk. Phil is still that. He gets like. He comes in and goes. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Then you see him in the morning. He's like, how are you? You're a fucking punk. You're like, oh, you're hungover. I'm not hungover. He's never been hungover once. Hitting a girl with hungover is very funny. I've done it before. I'd be like, you're just hungover and being fucking great. I'm not even hungover at all. It's like, yeah, you're a little edgy this morning.

42:00Everybody loves denying a hangover. It's crazy. Everybody's favorite thing to do is go, I'm not, you know what's crazy? I feel pretty good. There you go. I'll tell you guys right now, I'm fucking hungover as shit. Really? Oh, yeah. That's why you asked how long this podcast was. No, no. I was literally just curious. Stop riding me, dude. That's too much lotion. That's thin skin. We were in London in the van, and you were fucking with me. I was like, back off, dude. You just kept going, I'm on your bumper, boy. I'm on your fucking bumper. You're trapped. You got three days in the UK. You're not going anywhere.

42:42Shane Gillis:You were on his ass in the UK? I was. That's so funny. Till we got off the flight. Till we landed back in the... I mean, we were screaming in the fucking airport. Holy shit, dude. We got prime... I mean, you guys might have talked about it already, but we got prime O 'Connor video over there. Yeah, we got some classics. Him at the height of his powers. Yeah. Running through the streets along the way. I'm from London. Like throwing shit. Yeah. He was a real problem. that's what i like about him though he turns up that hard and then you won't see him for two weeks uh he's got he's got to mend himself he goes home he lays there he enters the tent oh i saw him last i gotta read i gotta fucking cook i gotta become a good person and you go why don't you come out yeah yeah there's bounce backs are crazy it's pretty impressive i saw him last night we were in the green room we had two drinks and i was like what are you doing dude he's like I don't know I might go see Sadie and he fucking snuck out I was like he's dodging it he's trying to be good you gotta respect the dodge I get it man I get it I'm fucking terrible at it I let everybody talk me into fucking hanging out I'm the worst you do it just as much you're one of the worst perpetrators of it come on dude take a shot my birthday is next week I'm taking a thousand shots with you and every time you go, you never take shots.

44:09It's been literally years. Literally. We've taken shots together. We took shots together last week at Mitzi's. I did not take any shots with you at Mitzi's. Yeah, we did. We did? Yeah, at the corner. Well, you got me there. And you said it. I remember. You go, you'd never take shots. My dude. Every week. it's so funny it is usually late yeah if i'm taking a shot i was talking to carrie at mothership last night about she's like what are you doing tomorrow baby i was like i'm doing matt and jane and uh i was just telling her about when you just start pressuring to drink and i was like i'm gonna be sitting on that couch he's gonna be like come on come on let's get one come on let's go and i was like she's like wow and i was like i can't say no to the man no we gotta no i can't today i can't today stop dude no stop dude no i got spots tonight no i can't yeah all right i can't i've got to remain in the tomb dude i just yeah i put together a run i gotta true but i was just i was like friday it's true i'll make it to friday i don't fly out till saturday where you headed uh back up to pa because i got to do some pods in new york and then rhode island gigs and and then some other stuff we haven't even talked about your special yeah i'd love to talk about it yeah it was great thank you man i like the intro i like how spooky it was thanks man yeah thanks a lot thank you i appreciate it and at first i didn't like the blurry shots and then i came around all right thank you i i was a little on the fence about them too at first but then the closer we got to because i was i directed it too so i was very involved from start to finish with everything and um i was a little on the fence about it too but ultimately i was like oh no it works it's it's i don't know it's it was you know it was a nice device i thought or whatever but but yeah man i i appreciate you i missed the actual taping i was at the after party i you showed up right as the party was starting yeah yeah yeah i was bummed i missed that it was that was a good i was i was thrilled you you came down you rolled in with six right yeah yeah yeah yeah it's i was thrilled you came down dude it definitely got bullied into taking a shot Well, that was a special night It's always a special night Yeah, it's always a special night But yeah, it's called I Never Promised You a Rose Garden It's on my YouTube So YouTube.com slash at Joe DeRosa Comedy But anyway, I hope people enjoy it Yeah, it's good But it's the hardest It's a really good special Thank you, dude It means a lot to me to hear you say that because And Matt, feel free to jump in with a compliment

46:52Shane Gillis:I haven't seen it yet So I always feel bad I don't see it yet And I usually don't watch i watched yours a lot i haven't finished it yet but i've watched a lot of it i'm not blowing smoke up your ass i did the same thing with you like yeah i was like you're one of no no no no i'm saying though like i don't i hear you it's like it's it's kind of hard sometimes when you do comedy and you're around it all the time to jump into a special yeah yeah but you're one of the guys where it's like i'm like i was like excited and we've done enough shows where i know the material yeah yeah yeah it was i was stoked ask gardini he told me his special i'm that's going to be yeah it's a good special i can't wait to see that thanks guys they were actually singing your praises before you got in thanks guys i really appreciate how much they liked the i heard the way it started out and i was like awesome the starting the starting bit of material i was like that's let's not let's not i won't say any spoilers but fantastic i can't wait for the start of your special yeah can't wait no spoilers no spoilers but yeah i heard i i was here and i was like that's thanks brother perfect thanks dude it's the it's it's literally the hardest i ever worked on anything in my whole life that's like it was three years of uh of touring and i was going to shoot it at one point and ari shafir was like it's not ready it's not ready yet it's not ready you know and then like when i finally did do it like him being like fucking did it to you i was like all right that's awesome man good for him for because that's hard to tell someone but boy if somebody told me it's not ready when i thought it was ready we argued i mean yeah yeah already did argue i wasn't just like okay yeah i was like it's ready dude i don't need to do it for three years and he goes he goes oh yeah because you're the one and i was like god damn all right

48:32but uh but yeah like you but i don't know it's like it's nice having friends like again i'm not blowing smoke but it's nice having friends who also do comedy that when they put something out like when you put out your last one you're excited to watch it because it's like yeah it's easy to get comedy I have a friend who sucked yes like check out this special yeah yeah I'm excited for yours dude thank you man yeah you were talking a little bit about it last

48:58Shane Gillis:night I was getting uh this episode is brought to you by Tekova's lately I've been getting more into boots there's something about wearing a good pair that just changes how you carry yourself you become more confident at least that's how i feel when i put on my covas they're super comfortable right out of the box no break-in period needed i've used them for all kinds of plans weddings barbecues concerts you name it their western boots and sandals are handcrafted with premium leather and perfect for hot weather too if you got a tokova's store near you definitely stop by. Whether it's your first pair or your 50th, you'll find your new favorites.

49:38Right now,

49:39Shane Gillis:get 10 % off of tecovas.com slash Matt and Shane when you sign up for email and text. That's 10 % off at tecovas.com slash Matt and Shane. See site for details. Tecovas, point your toes west. This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, this summer, find more on Facebook.

50:27Shane Gillis:Dude, Britney's been getting a lot of people see her and go, oh, four-time WMDA star. Yeah. WMDA star. And last night I was doing stand-up and people brought it up. They were like, talk about your four-time WMDA star wife. And I was just, I thought it was great. And now she's getting so much attention, I've just been like, shit was fucking hacked.

50:47Shane Gillis:Shit was a fucking hack. That's what I do. I mean, come on. Shit was hacked. Turn on her. I just got to take her down. She doesn't even look like an athlete. I don't know what the fuck the joke is. I kept saying last night, I was like, he should have dressed me up, man. He should have dressed me up. I could have done that. I was like, I could have done that. I know, the joke easily could have been NHL. I know. No, no. Or NASCAR or golf. Or black WMA star. Oh, you mean fucking. Let me put that shit on, dude. Well, then we wouldn't be talking right now, but we would be considered the greatest of all time.

51:27we wouldn't still be talking. I just showed up fully prepared for the role.

51:31Shane Gillis:What the fuck are you doing? We can save it. Oh, I thought she was. Oh, what the jokes about? Oh, shit. I got to take this off. Fuck, it's not coming off. It was. It was fun for me to watch it again. I'm sitting next to Jalen Carter. Fuck. I'm just like a black lady. Dude, I saw the rewatching and seeing the people behind us like clapping. And then it's revealed and they go. That was very fun to see. Yeah, the... You fucking asshole. We can save that one, though. Huh? Maybe I'll get another hosting job sometime. No, I'm not going to dress up as a... Yeah. Just funny to talk about. We can put an end to things.

52:10Save it for the Oscars. Yeah.

52:14Shane Gillis:I'll be Ryan Felipe. Ryan Felipe. Yeah. You got that bullet in the chamber. We got that one locked and loaded. when it's time it's time yeah it's time to hang it up you go you know what i got one more yeah oh yeah yes you're in the tomb on the come down of setting the internet ablaze yes yeah it's all types of things and also what you drank for a week yeah that's enough to yeah so like after the espies i had to go do kansas city and oklahoma city yeah and those you know you're doing a show like that that's that that's a lot of fucking stress i don't know how you also i flew home on friday and i for real thought i was right i thought i was gonna fall down friday sucked ass oh fucking yeah i had a later flight yeah but like not that much later i texted these guys like we're already there i was walking through the airport like i felt like i was like not getting enough oxygen that's how it feels because you were just so hung over i didn't have like the headache or anything but i was just i had like three hours we drank a lot of liquor fast yes i had like two hours of sleep and just walking through the airport with like my bag just like i for real might go down i was like lightheaded bro so bad so that day i woke up in the hotel going yes i have nothing to do today perfect and then i was like oh shit i gotta fly to oklahoma and do a show then the next morning i woke up like finally i can fucking go home fuck i gotta go to kansas This fucking city.

53:45Shane Gillis:God damn it. That sucks. I don't know what's going on. I guess this is what being burnt out is, but anxious dreams. Yeah. And then wake up going, I don't have anything to do. Nice. Fuck. Dude, you just did a thing that six people on planet Earth have done. Not just that, though. It was the movie. Yeah. The movie, filming a movie for a month and a half was. Yeah. I've never done anything like that. and then shows and then the yeah you're running you're running through a very unique it's time to it's time to lay down yeah yeah and oh yeah we filmed commercials that i'm seeing the edits to those i don't fucking yeah love them i go oh great yeah there's nothing worse than watching yourself in a way you're like i don't like that while you're anxious and hung over and you see a video of yourself you go it sucks it was fun i was trying to upload all the stuff from our drunk podcast that next day in the airport i'll just watch it and be like oh the anxiety of that podcast second half the second half's in the tomb forever nft until until one day yeah we're gonna sell it to martin screlly for six million dollars

55:09that airport hangover like honestly I like almost have a panic attack I carry Xanax for it because your gut is related to your anxiety and all that shit and when you're in that state you're walking you're like you might have to take a shit you don't know you can shit at any moment you could physically I could walk into a bathroom and take a shit while hung over at any if someone said take a shit right now i go no problem oh you mean like on command yes oh that's great one's chambered at all times yeah all right yes sir

55:43Shane Gillis:yes yes daddy yes daddy yeah that's just okay i'm like you can't know a clear gay joke i'm 103 degrees my face is i have like 103 degree fever and then i just woke up and i did the and I pounded coffee to like power through. So I'm having like heart palpitations. It was terrible. Yeah, heart palpitations for sure. It was terrible, dude. It's fucking nuts. Then you know the B-dubs at the airport's just right there going. It is. You're nothing without me, coward. When I did Kill Tony, when they did the HEB Center down here, I did the panel, and I was only supposed to do a set, and then I showed up, and he was like, I need you to panel, buddy.

56:26And I was like, all right. And I was so hungover. And I started the same thing, dude, dehydrated. I felt like sick. I felt like I had a cold. I started fucking pounding coffee to wake up. And then I was meeting it with booze to get like tuned up. Dude, I got on stage. My gut started turning. My hand to God, dude, I had a two-minute panic attack on stage. I was sitting there. I was so – I was hitting me from all angles. And I was sitting there. The first bucket pull came out. the kid was talking to us and my brain was like there's a lot of fucking people out there dude it was all it up if you watch the video you see me do this you see this is the desk and i just go like this i just put the mic down i just stare i'm gonna freak out right now i was like i was literally looking like where can i run off this fucking stage that's tough and then it just it just stopped and i was like oh that's hangover that's like bad anxiety i get that doing stand-up

57:28Shane Gillis:where like i'll like forget the next thing i'm going to talk about and it's like a 30 second thing in my head where it's like this is it dude you're gonna have to look at all these people and go i can't do this i'm sorry guys i don't know why i gotta and just walk off and you just power through and you're like all right thank god yeah no i've been there dude maria bamford said she used to like she said she would like take comfort in knowing that at any second she she had the option of running out of the club and never return it she was like that's the only way i can get through it like sometimes yeah it's like it is nice when you get on stage you go oh yeah i can do stand-up yeah after the first like minute you go oh fuck you yeah nice because for the last hour and a half i've been back there going what the fuck i can't do this shit oh fuck yeah yeah i've done the coffee pre-show coffee where i'm on stage and my heart's like and i'm like all right i'm gonna fucking this might be it and then i've done it where i'm like maybe i have a heart attack and i really leaned into it and powered through and i was like i was so proud of myself i had this horrible pain in my chest i was headlining it was like two years ago it might have been two or three years ago had a heart attack bro it hurt it hurt so bad that i i was like i have to get off stage yeah and then i was like well this is my last joke just fucking and i just did my last joke got off stage i was like i'm pretty sure i just had a heart attack up there yeah did you and you never got a check or anything people have little ones that's something i don't i don't think it was an actual heart attack i think people go in the doctor you've had like three heart attacks you're like what uh i was 34 dude i know someone who got one at like 24 years old i mean they were they're taking heavy sups and then other recreationals but yeah i was on zero recreationals yeah if you can have them without knowing i've definitely had them if that's an option there's no way i haven't had heart attacks there's no way well if i ever had one that was it yeah i mean that sounds like a heart attack that hurt my fucking wall.

59:35I'll be like, ah. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Fuck. I'll tell you a perfect formula for I'm going to have a heart attack on stage. This has happened to me several times. You'll be at Mothership. You'll be in the green room. You look up and realize the guy on stage in the main room only has 30 seconds left. You go, oh, fuck. And you run all the way. Dude, you get on stage. I've done that. I can't catch my breath on stage. Dude, I'll do this on the stool. I'll lean like this and I'm sweating out the whole time like I think I might have a heart attack right now that is a fucking labyrinth back there you gotta go up and down five flights of steps

1:00:15Shane Gillis:I felt bad last night because we were all backstage and people are backstage like you were backstage and you probably had like four minutes I'll say something but I feel like a dick because I'm like hey DeRosa you're up next right and he's like yeah I'm going down I'm like I feel like an asshole like I'm like dude you better get down there no no i get nervous i do it i do it on shows i'm not even on i get nervous like yo that guy's fucking yeah dude i get nervous on other people's behalf so you never know when someone's gonna fucking just go that's it i know it was gd and he dug his heel obviously luckily he's a big stage hug dug his heels in yeah yeah you actually probably were like oh gd he's on he's gonna get along i was no i was real i get nervous when it's like eight minutes in i see the clock and i'm going like it's a while to get down there did you ever go on stage there and you realize you forget the dude you're bringing on his last name for sure yeah and you're like i forgot the headliners i forgot joe rogan fucking joe his podcast is an experience he's got an experience

1:01:17Shane Gillis:heather mcdonald clip fucked me up did you ever see her go down yeah yeah i think about that yeah watch it you know because i you know i've obviously laughed about it publicly so it's like i'm like That's going to happen to me now. It's going to happen. Dude, there's a trilogy. There's a perfect trilogy. Heather McDonald, Wendy Williams, and Gallagher. Oh, and you're forgetting the goat, Pablo Francisco. He went down? Did he collapse on stage? No, but he says that. That's a wild meltdown. Yeah. Yeah, that's a wild meltdown. That's the number one for me. He broke. We've heard me say it a million times.

1:01:52No, you don't think I can get out of this? oh okay yeah yeah so oh no you're in good you're in safe hand with all get down get to the chopper you don't think i can get out of this folks he just broke yeah yeah there's some of the videos that cuts and then it cuts them being

1:02:11that's what that's dude that's the one that made me just straight to the airport you don't think i can get out of this

1:02:18Shane Gillis:Oh, no. He got locked in a bit. He got locked in a bit. He's in like a K-hole with a bit. No. He can't get out of this bit. And he's going, I can fix it. But like, wait, hold on. This is fun. He's at the hospital like, it's not funny. Let it go. He's like, no, it's funny. I can get to the end of the bit. Just let me finish the fucking bit. Just keep interrupting. Top three. That's stage meltdowns. That's a different category, though. That's the number one of meltdowns. Tomb might go to Swartzen. The difference between Swartzen and Wartzen was awesome. He's just like, so, all right. He's so high.

1:02:57He can't even make sentences. And the lady just comes out and pulls him off stage.

1:03:02Shane Gillis:Dude, that's in the background of my head the entire time. You're about to, here it comes, dude. You're about to start rambling incoherently. Oh, my God. I thought the O 'Conn man was going to have one. When we did the Chicago Theater, he went out with Santino during the day and made day drink. I went out. I met him. I had like one beer. And I was like, we got Chicago Theater tonight. Yeah, yeah. I left. They show up. They didn't leave. He never went back to the hotel. They went from the bar straight to the show. O 'Connor walks in the green room like, what's up? And I was like, holy shit, dude.

1:03:40You're blacked out. And I was like, fine, dude. Get the fuck out there. Go out there. Yeah. He killed. That's awesome. God damn. That's pretty impressive. That's awesome. Oh, God. He killed. Oh, dude. He's from a fucking another dimension, man. He is. O 'Connor should be in the next Mortal Kombat. He really does. He might be the drunken master.

1:04:02Shane Gillis:That's insane. Wait, third. But wait, I got a number three best meltdown. The Lampanelli one is wild. Do you remember that one? No, it happened. where people are walking out and then people are helping her people are going like she's yelling at somebody and then people are being like it's okay lace and she's like shut the fuck up i don't need any fucking help from you and she's like turning on people supporting her and shit like it's a i'm not throwing any shade at any of these people yeah we're just it's just funny like i've i've i have i've been banned from clubs i've freaked on stage yeah you're a psycho yeah yeah You're a wild dog Yeah I got banned from the laugh factory in New York Did you really?

1:04:44Yeah because I told the audience I said I hope you all get fucking AIDS And die in a car accident on your way home tonight You're a bunch of fucking animals I got banned It's probably during like a decent set I just screamed at the end It was so rowdy dude It was crazy how rowdy it was And then I went back to the club And I was like I don't understand why you won't book me anymore And the booker was like because you told the audience, I hope you get AIDS and die in a fucking car. Do you think that's okay? I was joking around. I was like, well, they were shitty. I don't know. What was I supposed to do?

1:05:15Yeah. Have you guys ever freaked? I've lost my shit. I've spazzed once. I've never spazzed. The only one in Fort Wayne was I was just like, all right, that's good. It's the end of the show. I haven't done it in 15 years. I learned my lesson. I did it now. Bakersfield. That was a tough one. Spazz? They were wild.

1:05:34Shane Gillis:i spent one guy in phoenix arizona i like kind of just started traveling headlining and the weekend wasn't going well ticket sales weren't great and then there was like in this the one of their rooms is a copper blues was a they have like multiple ones i think there's one of those rooms where there's like you know like seating but then they have booths to like the right of the stage yeah so it's just a guy in a fucking like leather jacket talking so fucking loud Isn't it Tempe, what was it called? It's around there. It's Copper Blues. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They have fucking multiple. But this guy was talking, which was like, you know, I was like, whatever, shut up.

1:06:10Shane Gillis:But then at one point, Brittany went up to him. She was there. It was like, he'd be quiet. And he said something to her. And I just stopped mid-joke and was like, shut the fuck up, pussy. And spaz. It was like a fight. Fuck yeah. It was bad. And I was like, anyway, I was just fucking around, guys. Yeah, it's the worst. Pure red face spaz. had him I was like eventually I think I had him come up on stage and he just called me gay without a microphone I'm like it just backfired on me and I was like I'm gonna get up here and he's like you're just a fucking gay pussy and I'm like damn nice jacket bitch get off the stage this isn't working it's just go straight gay guy well your jacket's disgusting fuck you bitch he told me you have an uber driver jacket dude get the fuck out of here it was just they're always right around he was getting louder though he was winning the debate I'm like he's like you're fucking gay It wasn't really a spaz, but in that Tempe Improv, that was where that gremlin from high school got me.

1:07:02You remember that? This kid from high school showed up, and he was like, after the first show, he's sitting in the green room. He's like, I would give that like a C, C minus. And I was just like. And then he spent an hour in between shows talking about how I sucked at football and his class was better. And then stayed. It was crazy. I mean, I don't know how you didn't choke him. Other people were looking like, what the fuck's going on? I don't know how you didn't choke him. And then he stayed for the second show and I killed. And every time I had a good joke, I just looked directly at him just going, Yeah.

1:07:38Yeah. C - Oh, fucker. Every single joke for an hour. I was just every time going, what do you think of that? What do you think of that, you fucking cock? He was like, nothing to him. He was like, that was good. Now that was good. I love how people like that flip it. Now, that was good, see? Go fuck yourself. I'm like your coach.

1:07:59Shane Gillis:Yeah, that's weird. No, a spaz is always right around the corner. I've, without question, in recent years, I'm speaking way too liberally when I say I learned my lesson, because I'll still yell at an audience, but I figured out somehow to sometimes make it kind of funny to beat them in to get... But I could easily see having a full freak. at any, you know, it won't take much, dude. It doesn't take much. It takes a couple of annoying people. Let's start getting to your shows, you know? Yeah. What's that? Let's start hanging around the back of your shows. I mean. I just want to. Scott fucking sucks.

1:08:36The ultimate. I just want to be clear that I stand with Pablo, Lisa. Oh, for sure, for sure. Yeah. I'm not making fun of him. It's funny to see, though.

1:08:44Shane Gillis:I'm convinced it will happen. I'm like, it's, I'm going to join the pantheon of dudes who freak out one day. Yeah. just completely break and be like, I don't know why I do this. I'm sorry, guys. Please refund everything. I'm fighting it the entire time I do anything. But wait, you never saw Gallagher having the heart attack on stage? No.

1:09:08It's during the fucking watermelon. He walks over. It's just so fucked up to laugh at him. It's hilarious. Yeah. No, he goes over to the water runner. He picks up the hammer and he goes. Oh, fuck. He goes down. Oh, he goes down? He goes down. He has a fucking heart attack. He has a real one. Yeah, dude. Oh. That's what I was saying. There was two categories. There's collapse on stage versus meltdown. I mean, a prop. Yeah, because Heather McDonald's was pretty fucking elite. Hers was crazy because she was like, I got all the vaccines.

1:09:45Shane Gillis:Just let down. But a prop guy. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Prop guy going down. Oh, it's crazy. With a hammer, a mallet in your hand. Over his head, dude. What the fuck? The watermelon finally won, dude. The watermelon was like. He's literally doing a thing that would give any human a heart attack. He's doing it on stage at his closer. Yeah, dude, exactly. Time was finally like, that's enough, dude. Yeah. Take it easy. But wait, did Heather McDonald ever explain what happened to her? I haven't seen the explanation, no. I'm sure she talked about it somewhere, but I never saw it addressed at all. She just fainted.

1:10:26Shane Gillis:Yeah, but it was like... She just happened to be talking about how boosted she was. That was the worst part. I just jinxed it. Yeah, true. Wait, what was she talking about? She was bragging about how many... Literally, her last lines were like, how many boosters and how many times she's gotten the vaccine. Then her last line's like, so yeah, Jesus loves me. Yeah. And the worst part was the crowd thought it was a bit, and they were like... Yeah, it's timed perfectly. Yeah, it was fucked up. Yeah, that's a great bit. True. But yeah, I think she really got hurt. I think she hit her head, dude. She got fucked up.

1:10:57Yeah, she had a skull fracture.

1:10:58Shane Gillis:Oh, my God. Yeah, she got fucked up, and it was just like, these idiots who didn't get the vaccine. Ha ha, I've gotten all of them. Ha ha, God loves me. I've never even gotten. Ha ha, and fucking. Literally got killed. God was just like, yeah. Yeah, enough of that. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. The Wendy Williams one happened on TV. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah. By the way, Wendy Williams rules. She does. I didn't know Wendy Williams ruled. I don't know much about her. Watch clips. She's fucking hilarious. Yeah? She is funny. She used to do a show at Comics in New York. Were you around when Comics was there?

1:11:35I'm going to pee my fucking pants. Yeah, I'm going to pee my pants, too. I can't move, dude. We'll see you later. Are we in an hour? Yeah.

1:11:42Shane Gillis:Oh, dude, let's slide to the page. Oh, cool. I've been fighting it for like 10 minutes. That could have been page right there. We'll see. Yeah, true. It was a lot of stand-up talk. Okay. We'll see. All right.

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