Ep 570 - The Alabama Slamma

20:09Shane Gillis:damn this episode is brought to you by mint mobile summer sale i was hoping it was oh yeah baby you know what time it is yep right now all of mint's plans are 15 per month even unlimited whoa so free yourself that's pretty crazy so free yourself from big wireless and their gimmicks dude i can't stand that go to mint mobile the gimmicks are crazy go to mint mobile.com slash drenched now. Upfront payment of$45 for three months, $90 for six months, or$180 for 12 months. Plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan terms only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy.

20:49Shane Gillis:Includes up to 20 gigabytes of hotspot. Capable device required. Jesus. Availability, speed, and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com. I also got kicked out at like 6 in the morning. I was ready to go home. True. Yeah. Gardini, you guys, you're just crushing Gardini. A little crush play. Yeah, yeah. A little suffocation play. See what Kane just laying on. Gardini was just ass-worshipping. Just ass-worshipping.

21:20Wait, how did you get kicked out, though? Like, was it aggressive or was it like? No, it was quite. Brad came up to me and he was like, hey, man, I think you got to go. It's time for us to leave. I was like, all right, cool. That was it. I'm ordering an Uber right now. And I just waited. Dang. 6 a.m.

21:36Shane Gillis:You're probably ready to roll. I was ready to roll. Yeah. That's breakfast sandwich time. That was the perfect way to get kicked out. Perfect time to get kicked out of a party. Six in the morning. Yeah. Might as well just let me leave on my own. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Oh, cool Coke party. Those can go. Yeah. You're right. I would like to see you swing, dude. I'd like to see you swing. I think out of all of us you could handle the swing Mentally I think you could handle it the best No Really? No I don't think so I think it would bother me What would get you down? You love him more than me? It's not your wife Shit dude Still you would catch feelings you're saying?

22:18Dude come on dude Yeah You'd catch feelings Yeah At the cool coke party Swinger party The cool coke swinger party yeah

22:26Shane Gillis:Apparently Tampa Bay is where it's at Tampa Bay is apparently Cup capital of the United States Yeah Tampa and Arizona right? Arizona Phoenix Scottsdale I think I can see that Yeah Yeah I think New Jersey too New Jersey Really? I don't know about that Yeah Which part? Yo Sean's from New Jersey Oh yeah true I don't know You think Italians would like that? Yeah dude Of course What? Italians are very territorial in nature They would not like that They probably just like get together and like beat other guys' wives instead. A little wife swap. Yeah. What the fuck? It's medical. Tastes like fucking cement.

23:11Yeah, I don't know. You don't think your parents were swingers in New Jersey? My parents were definitely not swingers in New Jersey. That's your damn guarantee. Empty nesters now. Not really. They got a lot of people coming through that nest. I wish you wouldn't say something like that on the broadcast.

23:28Shane Gillis:i really wish you would say stuff sean my parents aren't empty nesters yet but yours are and i'm just saying you should you know you should be like guys if you want to experiment now's the time that would be nice just give them a yeah like maybe a handwritten letter yeah just be like guys it's no one's home now maybe you guys should start experimenting and doing things you've never you know you always wanted to yeah open the relationship up a little bit that's all yeah you should suggest they open the relationship and then you can do covenant eyes with your dad And then you and your dad can share porn.

23:58I'd rather not think about this sort of stuff. He's going to edit this out. We'll never know. We'll never know. Your parents would think this is funny.

24:05Shane Gillis:Can we be respectful about it? They love this stuff. Hello. Hello. Obviously, we'll unfortunately edit this out. Yeah, we don't have to edit it. I like your parents. I don't want them upset. No. Look, I'm just saying give them the option. They don't have to do it. Just give them the option. Yeah. I don't want to make them angry. and I really don't want to make them horny. Yeah. I don't want them to get any ideas. But you have talked about it. That's also, that's like, you've brought this up. Where you're like, wouldn't it be cool if like my parents experimented? Oh, shit. I was like, what? You were hammered.

24:39I don't think you remember.

24:40Shane Gillis:Yeah, you were so drunk. You fell down after. You were like, I'm going to call my sister and see what she thinks. I was like, Sean, Sean. Yeah, we said no. Y 'all nasty as hell. Just joshing, just joshing. Just joshing, just joshing. All right, what else do you guys want to talk about? Yeah, what else is going on? Besides our parents being poly? We have proof of Nate's zest. What? That's a mean thing to bring up. What's the proof? It's all been fun and games up to here, but that was a little too far. What's the proof of the zest? The photo evidence that we got from the pub the other night. When you took your penis out in Los Angeles and laid on the ground with your penis out?

25:19What happened? No, no, no. From the rickshaws. I don't know if that's the correct term. Oh, the rickshaw evidence. Oh, Jesus.

25:27Shane Gillis:What was the rickshaw evidence? He's just sitting on guys' laps on a rickshaw, screaming with his arms. No! With his arms in the air going, woo! I'm not sitting on guys' laps. 100 % on guys' laps. Matt, it looks like I'm sitting on guys' laps. Can we, can we, can we, can we? Nate, you admitted that you had no recollection of the evening, and then we have photo video evidence from a trusted source. I knew we were not sitting on a guy's lap. We were all having fun at games. Without a doubt, on the lap. Not on the lap. That was the biggest regret of the night. You woke up in the morning and went, God, I could have sat on that guy's lap.

25:59He sat on two guys' laps. He split the cheeks. Who were these guys? Each guy got a cheek. Oh, no. It was Redman. It was Redman. It was Redman and our buddy Chris. And Nate, it was perfect timing. We can get the footage. We can get the footage. We can let the viewers decide. The thing that hurt was the arms on the bar. The footage looks. Oh, no. The footage looks. But that's because I'm sitting forward. I'm sitting forward. I'm sitting edge. Sitting forward. Everybody banished me. Everybody banished me. These guys hopped in one with Tommy. You and Tony had your own private one. Hey, you.

26:40That was a good reverse. It's a good counter. It's a good counter. Oh, man. You sent me with Red Band and another unit, and I just had to squeeze in between them. but the footage looks bad they love taking those fucking rickshaws i despise it it's fun while you're on it but then dude people see you yeah you're getting carted through town it's fucking embarrassing it was devastating red bin damn you got me with the that was nice i'll give you that you're a fucking gay ass

27:14all right yeah enough joking around about it's over it's done that's so fucking fucked up dude that's crazy you throw me under the bus like that that's crazy give me those shirts back you don't get that

27:31you fucking snake dude just just when you think dude i know fucking hits me with the reverse zest i'm getting the video right now i gotta see the video i gotta see the video i don't know if i have his number I want to have his number

27:53Shane Gillis:Redman I want to do a They should do them Where you can stand up Like a charioteer That'd be nice Where you could stand That would be The straightest Rickshaw all you can do Stand up like a charioteer You get the You have like reins You can kind of Yeah rain him back a little Smack the guy in the ass

28:10We're gonna get some footage in there

28:11Shane Gillis:Yeah now we gotta review the tape Who filmed it by the way Redman Oh, hit you with the metaglasses.

28:22You should claim AI. You should claim AI. Oh, dude, that's got to be deep fake. He was literally filming because there was like four rickshaws. Yeah, yeah. He was filming me, and I was like, dude, stop filming. Please, yeah. Don't film this. Yeah, you got to redact. And I turned the camera around. Nate was just. It looked POV. It was.

28:40Shane Gillis:It's not pertinent. That's not pertinent information. It looks POV. You got to redact your tape. The worst part is I know Red Band didn't remember how bad it looked. He pulled the footage up. I thought he was lying. No, he was lying. No, he wasn't lying. You're clearly on their lap. I'm not trying to. And he tried to deny it. And he was like, I wasn't sitting on their fucking lap. And Red Band just happens to walk over and be like, I have footage of it. He did say that. But then he pulls up the footage and he's trying to scroll through. And when he hits the angle that looks bad, I see him go like, holy shit, I got it.

29:13This looks like you sit in a while. You'll see there's no other angle. There's no other possible place for your ass to have been. I'm telling you. It's so obvious that Redman was like, oh, I feel bad. Maybe I shouldn't have showed all the guys that video. He literally didn't have a video. He came up to me. He's like, I tell Nate I'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw him under the bus like that. He came over to me. It was like, because he knows I wasn't sitting on his lap. But it's devastating footage. Why do you keep saying that? We saw the video. Are you elevated at all? No, we're kind of on an even playing field.

29:47I'm sitting forward, though, so I don't know. That's also not if I'm being – it's a bad defense. Here's what I'll say. If I'm sitting forward, I should be a little higher. Their shoulders – there's two guys sitting. Their shoulders are touching. There's nowhere else for him to sit. Their shoulders aren't – Behind you, so you have to have room to – You have to hit this. Damn, he was selfie-sticking while – I was giving him a lap dance On a pedicab And that was a bumpy fucking ride Damn I wonder you were all tuckered out when we got to the bar I wasn't tuckered up You were tuckered out You fucking fell asleep Did I fall asleep at the bar?

30:28You did fall asleep You were asleep at the bar Wait, are you sleeping at the bar? You guys drugged me

30:38Shane Gillis:They put you to bed Well he was A minute before he was asleep He was standing on a stool Screaming And I look over and he was I'm like alright Nate's gotta go

30:53He almost danced out the Bar He was on his dance And he hit the door into the alley That was a good night That was a good night That's so fucking funny Oh my god Yeah Yeah, for real though, they put you to sleep. They fucking tuckered you out. That's fine.

31:17Shane Gillis:That's devastating. It looks so bad. We'll wait for the footage. I'm working on the footage right now. Thank you. In the meantime, go watch the movie Allied. True. I'm not going to give you any spoilers. It's a great film. You're going to love it. Don't look into it. Don't read the description. Just watch the movie. Yeah, I won't. That's what I did That's the best I did one of yours You got a pleasantly surprised Is there twists and turns? Plenty Yes Plenty I need that Twists and turns Need some good twists and turns Also the hottest possible scenario Just like you're paired with a lady You have to pretend to be husband and wife You live together The neighbors are watching We have to kiss right now Maybe we should have sex What?

32:01Shane Gillis:He hit him BP hit her with the baby No he was once saying play it cool babe She was like we gotta do this Yeah Dude You got the footage Can I review the footage We have the video It's loading right now It's loading right now What the fuck How many Footage It's damning footage Oh it's gonna be like It's bad This is I can't believe you're denying it 6k It's gonna be 6k footage 6k red bin tape The red bin tapes The red bin tapes Look the footage is undeniably bad I can't I can't That's fair I have no argument Dang But I know I was up to no zesty activities. You might have to 2.0 right now. When Liver King got caught with steroids, you might have to Nate 2.0.

32:46Just rebrand. You might have to totally rebrand, dude. Especially fresh off the zesty allegations in LA. That's why he said it, because he knows he's seen the allegations. And then just straight to lap sitting on a rickshaw, bouncing around. Arms on the bar, screaming, woo. Fuck, dude. And then dancing around, dancing on table dancing. Dang. You got to be ugly down on the bar. Did I stand on the stool? Which was a real risk. I was crushing. You did that twice. I was crushing the stool. And you jumped down. That was scary. It was impressive. You jumped off the, I was like, oh, man. I was hit. Watch out.

33:23Shane Gillis:Yeah, they can kick out from under you. Freebird three times in a row. Freebird on repeat. You guys took over the touch base? Freebird on repeat. It's so fucking sick. It's such a nice move. Yeah, there were some complaints. About Triple Freebird? Who the... About the music on repeat? Who would complain about Triple Freebird? There was nothing they could do. No. Yeah. It's, yeah, boosting your touch tunes is... Honestly, it might be one of my favorite things in the world, just completely commandeering a touch tune and ruining everybody's night. It's awesome. A good song for that. I think I said it before, but Donovan, Atlantis.

33:58Shane Gillis:Just an English guy from the 60s being like, In the former world there was Atlantis. It's like a 13-minute song where he just talks about the legend of Atlantis. It's so fucking funny. That's nice. I told you that time we took over, there was just a guy eating spaghetti at a really shitty dive bar. We started playing, when the moon hits your eye. We just kept playing Italian songs. He was by himself eating spaghetti at the bar. In Mechanicsburg, it was terrible. It was so depressing. I'd be pumped if someone hit me with the spaghetti soundtrack. He never even noticed it, but yeah, we were hitting him with a loud spaghetti soundtrack.

34:34This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.

34:40Shane Gillis:Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah, every time. Yeah, every single time. Yeah, I did it all week. It's a fucking disaster. I left a, I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning. Yeah. It was crazy. There's nothing wrong with that. No, it was a little paint job. Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra? Do you ever need it? Pretty much an extra pair per day. Yeah, I always bring extra underwear, yeah. Yeah. Not because I'm fucking shitting my pants constantly. Yeah, I used to really work it out. What the fuck are you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down?

35:10Does it make a difference? What is going on, dude? How horny are these people? What do they want to know?

35:16Shane Gillis:There's got to be something about standing up, though. Like, I'm a stand-up wiper, honestly. Sitting down, I just smears everything. I don't know. I can't do it. Well, Matt, whichever way you wipe, it's time to show your b-hole some respect an upgrade to dude wipes. Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss and the flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. They leave no room for dingleberries or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Plus they're extra large and designed for adults. So no more endless rolls or settling for a less than perfect wipe. Dude wipes. Best clean pants down. Available.

35:48These guys are really funny. Amazon. It's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. You got the video? Tonight might be.

35:56Shane Gillis:Tonight might be spaghetti night at my house, actually. That's exciting. Yeah, I'm actually kind of pumped on that. Didn't go through. Dude, how big is this fucking video? The only thing I see here is the brawl of the Alabama Riverfront. Oh, man. Shirtless whites defeated on the riverfront. Yeah, the shirtless whites. Dang, dude. Imagine going home from getting the Alabama brawl. You got to put on your Life is Good t-shirt. Watch it. It's all over the news. People are celebrating. Damn. My goodness gracious, bro. Wait, if it's on your phone, just show it to Matt. Yeah, let me just say. And let everybody get a good look at this knee brace.

36:37Yeah, true.

36:41Here we go. Oh, no.

36:46Shane Gillis:Are you listening to Thought Rap, too? Okay. That's all right. Let's see. Fast forward the tape. Okay. This is just... Worst parts of the middle. Yo. Where else could he be sitting? I'm sitting. I'm sitting. Their shoulders are touching. There's one bench. I'm sitting so far. Actually, it looks better, like, a little bit now to me than it did. You're saying their knees are V'd out and you're on the tip. Yeah, their knees are V'd out and I'm in the tip of the thing. But the video's... Damn, you're on the tip. Pause. Oh, shit. Yeah, I mean, it's... Oh, bro. I'm not dancing Look at the fellas behind him They love that you're having fun That's nice You kind of gave him a wall-e a little bit I gave him a what?

37:37Shane Gillis:A wall-e What is that? When someone leans against the wall and you just twerk on them Quirk, quirk, quirk, quirk, quirk, quirk Dang Yeah, that was bad I will say it's still up for debate But it doesn't, you know I like to believe you guys trust me That I wasn't sitting on two men's laps I do believe you. Penny cab through 6th Street. I think as tantalizing of a possibility as that is, I do think their knees were V'd out and you were on the very edge of the seat. But the video is damn it. It was a I started sweating last night. Oh, my God. When the footage came out. I was like, holy shit. It's all footage.

38:27The what?

38:31Pedicab was the opposite Straight as hell? We could all fit Nobody had to sit on any laps And we just screamed really loud the whole time You guys abandoned me for timing We were supposed to be together Sorry You lapped up Yeah Could've Ubered Yeah we could've Ubered That was my suggestion What? That's what I was saying. I was like, let's fucking Uber. This rickshaw through the city.

38:58Shane Gillis:Yeah, those things are kind of, and they drive so fucking, they ride so fast too. It's fun when you're on there. Yeah, I guess I did. You just got to let go. I did one with my kids and I was like, yo, can you please slow the fuck down? I don't need you to get me there two minutes faster. Please slow down, dude. You're driving like a fucking maniac. But yeah, it would be cool. If your kids aren't on there, it'd be fun. I had like two little kids and he was just like jamming his brakes in front of bikes. I'm like, bro, slow the fuck down. You're not winning. I'm not going to be like, this is so cool.

39:23Shane Gillis:This guy's flying We almost hit like Dude pedestrians Yeah they go right next to cars too Yeah Yeah And it's like right at pedestrians Yeah It's just like bro What do you I mean I guess you're trying to make that money Those dudes get paid During like ACL Those dudes will make like Fucking thousand bucks a night It's kind of tight We gotta get you out there Mace

39:47Yeah Get a lime scooter And just attach a little chariot

39:52Shane Gillis:Yeah you can jailbreak those things too You can jailbreak lime scooters and they fucking rip. Dude, I want to jailbreak one. Hit like 40 on it. Oh, man. Do it. You are nice on those things. I have a good time, dude. I can't believe you haven't really tumbled yet. I'm always tumbling.

40:14You have like a devastating tumble. There's going to be a devastating tumble one of these days. I had one in Indianapolis. I was drunk. I scooted around the corner. I just fucking fell. And I went head over ass. I just went sideways roll. Damn. God, that must have been so nice to see. Oh, yeah. And I got a scar from here when I tried to. I was, again, scooting from Frazier's to my house. And I tried to jump a curb. I just fell. What the fuck made you think you could jump a curb? Jump off or up? I was close. Up. I was trying to jump up a curb. Up. So you just lifted the front, scraped the bottom.

40:51Just a little bit. I just missed it. A bunch of guys were laughing at me after that. Yeah, definitely. You got to try to jump a curb on a fucking scooter. Yeah, dude, I needed to.

41:01Shane Gillis:You're getting really hurt. You should have planned. If you plant one foot, you could probably pop it up. Yeah. But that's risky, dude. I didn't see this. Did you do full speed on it? Yeah. Oh, dude, that's crazy. I was going fast. Squealing the brakes on them is nice. I'll pull up to my house on them every now and again. My wife will be outside, and I'll just get to our block and go, oh my god will you stop this episode is brought to you by tokovas lately i've been getting more into boots there's something about wearing a good pair that just changes how you carry yourself you become more confident at least that's how i feel when i put on my tokovas they're super comfortable right out of the box no break-in period needed i've used them for all kinds of plans, weddings, barbecues, concerts, you name it.

41:49Shane Gillis:Their western boots and sandals are handcrafted with premium leather and perfect for hot weather too. If you got a Tecova's store near you, definitely stop by. Whether it's your first pair or your 50th, you'll find your new favorites. Right now, get 10 % off of tecovas.com slash Matt and Shane when you sign up for email and text. That's 10 % off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S dot com slash Matt and Shane. See site for details. Tecova's point your toes west. This episode is brought to you by Quince. When August comes around, it's time to think about refreshing your wardrobe. Luckily, you don't have to think about it too hard with Quince.

42:33Shane Gillis:They're all about fewer, better pieces that last. With premium staples you can wear day after day. I'll be honest. I got the Quince clothing, and, you know, you get stuff sent to you, you go, whatever. This bathing suit's nice. Yeah, you've been raving about it. I have been talking about it. It's actually a rare, comfortable net. I really like it. This morning, Matt asked me, he said, did you get that shipment? Yeah. And I said, I haven't been home, but he said, you're going to like it. I do. I said that. I really agree. It's, you know, not faking the funk. Yeah, we're not faking it. Upgrade your everyday.

43:05Shane Gillis:Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to quince.com slash secret. Get free shipping on your order and a 365-day return. That's not bad. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. Oh, that's good news. That's really good news. That's U-I-N-C-E.com slash secret. Yeah, they're nice. Lime scooters are the shit, man. I love those things. A lot of people are genuinely like, I don't touch those things. Me. Really? Yeah. I love them, man. they're so fun i ride them in the mothership ride them there grab one ride it back it's awesome yeah that's crazy it's such a long drive it's like 3.4 miles that's a lot headphones dude headphones in blasting it's fucking it's the best there's there's like a couple on the route from my house there there's like three spots i can get air just like weird shit you know like you're getting air on the way to the show for sure if there's like you know like the tree roots like Fuck sidewalks up.

44:05Shane Gillis:There's one really good one. Oh, dude. Near the cemetery, there's one. It's so fucking good. Damn, getting air in front of the cemetery. It's so tight. Bombing. Showing up and not doing good. Getting air for all the people who are dead. They can't get air anymore. Yeah. It is out of respect. For sure. Hitting air in front of a cemetery is fucking tight. And a lot of the... There's like driveways. There's a curb where it's like... It kind of goes up. You can fucking nail those. Yeah. Getting air on those things. I haven't skateboarded in a while. I've been fucking... I've been fiending for air.

44:35Shane Gillis:yeah there's gotta be a way for you to get air i'm gonna skateboard it my knee my knees are like better now so i wouldn't risk it with the big race true yeah i guess i gotta stay focused yeah i can't fucking get air i can't get if you get hurt and you're not allowed to participate that's a bigger than losing now yeah that's a loss yeah having to be like oh actually i can't do it guys is your family excited for the race i don't think they care that much i mean they'll I think the closer it gets, I'd be so excited. Yeah, to watch it, it'll be so fun. I'd be so happy. I might go pro the whole thing.

45:07Either way, it's a victory. True. Whoever wins, the other person's going to be crazy.

45:13Shane Gillis:It's going to be lost. If he beats you, that'd be the funniest. I'll go all out. I'll completely sprint. Yeah, you'll die for it. Yeah, exactly. I have a feeling one of us might die from the race. I'm the best case scenario would you take an early enough lead that you can just it's over true if it's close you guys are gonna run you guys might run a four minute mile you guys are gonna be sprinting just beat the Kenyan I think the record for a mile is like sub four minutes yeah it's pretty fucked up dude did you know the tour de France is 2100 miles Yeah. I didn't know that. I didn't know it was exactly that.

45:52I knew it was like, it's insane.

45:54Shane Gillis:I just learned that. It starts in Italy and goes into France. I thought it was like 80 miles. That's an impressive bike ride. No, it's multiple days. Dude, yeah. It's like a fucking month and they ride 2 ,100 miles crossing from... I don't give a fuck about the Tour de France. Neither do I. I don't like it at all. I didn't care until I rode my bike yesterday, three miles. True, I haven't ridden a bike in forever. It's probably sick. It's so tight, dude. Especially when I'm all about tracking times on everything. now so i was like tracking my time and i was like let me see what tour de france is up to and i was like what the fuck they're going fast dude they go fast as shit up hills and it's dude 2100 miles they were all jute bro why wouldn't you that's why you're getting into it that's why you're getting into it dude the juice is taking over my brain you find out what floyd landis was on the pride of lancaster pennsylvania how long did it take you to get back from the gym you should check your times.

46:47Shane Gillis:Check your times. I checked them. It was three miles about like 20. It was like 15 minutes. It wasn't great. My time was all uphill. My time was fucking trash. Three mile times 27 minutes. I can do running 27 minutes three miles. That's incredible. Sorry. It's not bad. It's really good. Nine minute mile. Yeah. That's three nine minute miles. Yeah. You should run a marathon. I don't dude. I can't do like super super long miles. My knees just get shattered. I'd have to. And also running crushes your tea. So it only it does. It makes a lot of sense. It does. running for girls it is but unless you lift and sprint i sprint you got sprint that's the most you can have it sprinting is high to sprinting's crazy sprinting and mile my trying to like i want to be able to sprint like not sprinting is so fucking funny sprinting's hilarious dude and it's nice too because there's people there who run like seriously yeah when you're doing sprints you blow past them and i think it kind of pisses them off because there was a running club i was there one saturday and there was a running club and there was like the dude was like he seemed to like the cap running club is just a full sex club but it's completely the austin running clubs are literally just to fuck each other yeah i mean yes for sure it was literally just jack dudes and babes but we were doing sprints the jack dudes and babes it's non-stop here well i know but it was it was funny because there was you're just blown by them because they're the one guy was just like they're like doing warm-ups and then it's like you blow past them like guys we're gonna do sprints after this you want to do it it's like bro we're done like chill yeah sorry i fucking passed you I blew you out of the fucking world.

48:13Shane Gillis:We're not going to race, dude. I already won. But it was funny because that day it was the running club. I already won the race. Obviously, you won a rematch, dude. I just humiliated you in front of all the babes. He was just like warming up. I think he was just being nice, honestly. I was with my friend just being like, dude, he's so pissed. We blew past him. That guy's so fucking mad at us right now. But then there was three heats pretty much because there was the running club was shredded. And then the dude I was with, we're both just like kind of dad bod. And then there was like super fat dudes.

48:40Shane Gillis:and we were vibing with the super fats because we would sprint fats were in the running club no no they were just there just walking just a super fat club grazing i should call them super fast they were grazing on the infield they were pretty chunky but we were cheering each other on because then we would sprint and they started doing sprints that's low too i was hyping cheering each other on at a track now when you see the fats i i see the fats a lot of the track and i always i saw a father with two fat sons that's good and i was running three miles and i was fucking hitting them with the fucking hang loose because they were what are you guys doing on the telephone over there

49:14really

49:20okay well that's now i can't think about anything else yeah tell us and edit this out we're gonna edit it right now wow wow and we're back hey hey how's it going but yeah cheering on the fats

49:32Shane Gillis:at the track that's nice that's all because we had a unite we were two we were just two rebel blocks how old were these fats uh they were they were like i would say out of college age not they were like cheering on the fat like what were you saying well we were like we would run they were kind of hyping us and then they would run we'd hype what do you mean by hyping just as they were like because you're sprinting and you're like you know you get that you need that final push when you're like 40 meters out you want to start giving up hitting you like let's go yeah and then they pass they pass us a bit come on let's go let's go just hyping them up yeah yeah yeah hyping the fats we were united against the austin running club the poly the poly clubs are the austin running clubs it's filth yeah it was the fat slightly less fat and the ripper chlamydia running through that thing just yeah drug resistance stds oh big time coursing through all of their cocks and pussies big time dude dripping i think i caught some of the drip the drip was probably probably it's like alien blood it probably burned through the ground it was acid yeah no one hornier no one hornier just like having like a mid-20s existential crisis you're just running like i do understand the meeting friends thing it's nice getting along but yeah it's clearly it was like it was pretty the invite to it was aggro it was like multiple invites yeah i was like guys i'm married i don't want to do gay stuff with the captain of the fucking thing i don't want to kiss all the girls they're at the uh the uh what's the the domain a lot really yeah i always see them there yeah yeah yeah they they squad up oddly i don't get the invite fucked up i think they know i'm not a running man blow past them no just walk you gotta blow past them and they're like dudes we're doing sprints after this it's like dude you had your chance on the track man i fucking you got torched i smoked your ass you didn't know we were racing not my problem you got torched by the best sorry you didn't know we were racing bro i'm always ready to run yeah the track is intense man there's like some people who are all it does make me laugh when people are like just buy a ton of shit for running it's like bro people spend bocu bucks on running stuff it's like you don't need it all you gotta do is just run dude you don't need to buy like 14 fucking accessories.

51:34Shane Gillis:There's one in, was it in Philly? There's like a, that shoe store. Yes. That's a running store. That Philadelphia. I've gone in there, I've gone in there to just buy sneakers. It's so embarrassing. Clearly I don't run. Yeah. And there's just, everyone's in there. There's a guy who works in there who's an ally of the podcast. He's an ultra marathoner. Absolutely the bro. But yeah, no, it's people are all about it and you're like, dude, I'm really just walking in these things. Yeah, I'm just, I just want something comfy. I'm here to get something comfy. He's inspired, he has inspired me. More of a slippers, man.

52:02Shane Gillis:True. Hoka does make slippers. That would be kind of nice. Yeah, I saw I spied him when I was in California. I said, that'd be nice. That would be a nice treat. Still so goddamn cheap. I saw him there and I said, not yet. I can't get the Hoka slippers just yet. But yeah, that one day I'll treat myself. But yeah, dude, come Saturday. What, dude? I'd love to hit the track Saturday. We're going to sprint afterwards. Sign me up. You can totally come. Sign me up. I will say sprinting is. Just put out a flyer. Sprinting feels good Sprinting Sprinting feels I'll be there now Sprinting feels great It's been a while That's what I'm saying I didn't do When I first started doing it My fingertips would be numb For like When I was running I'd feel the blood Just leave my hands Oh wow Whoa Let's get out You know Because when you run You form new veins And capillaries and shit That's why I really like it Yeah It's kind of cool It is cool Because otherwise Just veins are getting Clogged and dying every day And if you run Your body you're like you have said like i mean you're obviously i guess it helps your muscles but like your vein you know no i learned that from by the way i don't think i had when you were gone i had a penis guy i did a zoom with the penis guy janice janice bifference his name's janice that's like his like pseudonym for his penis company that's like his youtube name but he was the one explaining to me like if you want to grow your dick you have to do a lot of cardio because that releases a growth hormone a lot of people push that explains a lot i don't know i'm thinking about it bro i've been shrimping lately well you're working so hard once you're done work once you're back in recovery you'll get your dong i think it's the dong you deserve from working hard dude i honestly think it's from not i don't like i don't touch my dick that's really fucked up yeah i don't even touch it i sometimes in bed i'll start to go no just like hands on my pants real fucked up just my hands i like my hands on my pants like normal and i'll go this is nice and i go bro hands off hands off mister pulled on i like that no i got i got i got one in the chamber enough times past where i got the bulletin i got the bulletin this morning going it's all and i said you nice but i'll tell you man when it just just from like you know experimental point of view just to know the data when you don't touch it for a while you think it'd be a raging bull it just starts to like deflate and die so like my penis is just dying on my body it's which one day hopefully it'll just completely go which would be nice then i could totally then i could totally lock in fully then i'll get a five minute mile you're really gonna be running and listening to aztec books smoking a cigar without a dick then i can really focus but yeah i i appreciate that that's what you're going for yeah i mean yeah i'm done it dude it would be so nice to be done with it completely but i don't think i am because i had very erotic dreams last night that were incredibly troubling i can't even talk about it they're troubling they're so bad yeah they were so bad who was it I was just like having sex with my wife so much.

54:50Shane Gillis:It was fucking crazy. It was fucking crazy. Yeah, true. I was just like making my wife come on my dreams. It was fucking crazy. That's awesome. Yeah, it was tight. We're actually making a movie, actually. It's pretty tight. What's that? It was, I was being, I was, I had to film myself having sex for a movie last night. Oh. Yeah, like my wife obviously was like blowing me nonstop in preparation of the role. Good Lord, dude. You got to jack off. you gotta jack off dude it was troubling the dream enough of this the dream came to my head a couple times with the podcast i got kind of wobbled like i would just remember new things from a big man that was so fucked up that's the worst where you get a fucking nasty one and not even not even a wet dream either i don't know if you ever you better not have a fucking wet dream i haven't i thought that last night should have been the night not a dribble not a dribble not a drop it's time not a dribble not a drop it's time we'll see it's time man i've been on the fence a couple times dude but i'm in the brother chat i can't be the first to fall you're gonna chat about it yeah me and my brothers dude we're fucking we talk about not jerking off in the chat oh is this where you found out about the covenant app that one of my other friends sent me the covenant app which i was like that's good information thank you so brothers and it's not it's not gay bill it's it's me gay bill and tom gay bill has a part of it bill gay bill low-key hasn't fapped in the longest out of all of us my brother kevin is still holding down fapping rules shout out kev yeah actually i brought him in he's like you guys are fucking weird get me out that's disgusting talking to brothers about it let me read dude it's the chat might be the funniest that's gotta be so funny the chat you tom and bill yeah and kevin reluctantly and kevin let me see i'm trying to see the last thing everything i see in there i'm always like damn this is the weirdest let me get in that chat i'll say i'll let you start talking you got some porn and seeing everybody spaz dude you'll get kicked out of the chat kick me out i just want to get in there and post a hot babe send the brothers into a spiral

57:00Shane Gillis:this is the chat i won't say who from wasn't me came i swear to god this wasn't me because it was sunday came super close to a wet dream last night subject matter never mind i can't even read that thank you for the update from kevin please let me know when you come in your pants brothers the other person goes haha i sleep naked i worry my non-guting way is going to lead to an unplanned pregnancy my unvaxed sperm can swim across bed sheets

57:26Shane Gillis:i know who that was i told my response actually was wet dream totally fine even ones of a homosexual nature don't worry about it that would suck that would fucking blow. Homosexual wet dream would be crazy. Homosexual wet dream would suck. You're gay. At that point, you have to come out to your dad. No, it's just a dream. There's nothing you can do. If you bust, you have to come out to your family and say, guys. Last night. Last night, I had a gay dream. You gotta just include your mom and dad in the group chat. Just go. I had a wet dream to do the gay sex. At which I've had a thousand of them, but I've never came.

58:02Shane Gillis:Last night, I fully fucking came. And I just want to tell you guys about that now that I'm starting my new lifestyle. Or just be gay in your dreams. Be like, look, I'm straight and tell. What's that show? Severance. Severance, yeah. My dreams, I'm just gay as hell. There's got to be someone that every night, I mean, there's got to be a lot of guys every night that have fucking gay dreams. That's why he was sleeping at the bar. He knew it was coming. That rickshaw got him excited. It was like the only place I can be gay. I'm stuck on a rickshaw again. He passed out of the bar. He was trying to get free use.

58:45Shane Gillis:He was trying to be free use. He tried to be free use. His mouth was wide open. Almost like he... It wasn't regular yet. He was awake. He was just doing Kegels. Just fucking tightening that thing. You got to jack off. I thought we were having fun. We're talking about... We are, we are. It's time to jack off. Nah, man. I'm telling you. I came close. The last couple nights, I've been like, fuck it, dude. I can't go. Especially since I'm like, I've just been so shrimped out. I'm like, dude, this is getting crazy. That's where you got to draw a line. Shrimped out. Let me see how shrimps I can get.

59:20Shane Gillis:I want to go. I appreciate that. Going all the way micro. Going totally micro. We'll see. If I, dude, if I'm like completely micro'd again, I might have sex tonight. So we'll see. I hope you do. If I get like a, at first it's just fucking log jamming. You have wicked hard ragers and that's nice.

59:40Shane Gillis:there was a couple times where i was going well i'm not log jamming right now what the hell i should be should be jamming i should be jamming right now i'm fucking gone yes i should be i should be jamming right now it's just spaghetti night right now it's fucking bullshit in the moon every night yeah i go i'm definitely turning 40 this year i can tell my body's sending me messages saying hey you're turning 40 this year now you have a penis now you have giant balls

1:00:09we'll see i'll give you the full update i smashed my nuts getting out of the car today yeah i went and got coffee and when i got out of the car would you sit on them or it's got one of those seats that kind of yeah rips you gripped to the bottom of my sack just getting out of the car i was like god I was holding a guy and shit in my hands.

1:00:30Shane Gillis:I was like, oh, shit.

1:00:34Shane Gillis:I've caught a couple of full rockers in the nuts not too long. They were like, I scream. Yeah. Chloe's three, so they're at the eight. We hate rapping. Our balls are getting big. Yeah, it's true. We're geased up. Dude, I got like an off the ropes elbow. Like off the cable. It's insane, dude. Also, dude, like I was taking a shit this morning. and I was like it smelled so it smelled awful it was a new smell it really was it was it's always alarming when you unlock it when you're taking a shit you're like wait a second yeah you're going like this is pond mixed with yeah it was bad it was it was very very like yeah aqua aqua bay smell and the uh dude and like my fucking like they my kids think it's funny to like bust in on me when I'm taking a shit, which it is.

1:01:23Shane Gillis:They got it from their dad. But they got hit. True. They got hit with the wall of smell. So I watched my one kid walk in like, ha, ha, ah, and just like ran out of the room. And I was like, you didn't get the fuck out of here. The swamp thing was in there. You feel so powerful, dude. That is nice. It was a muck. People trying to play a prank on you, you go, well, how about this? How about bang? Powers. Hit the invisible wall. It was just like. You used a force field. Confused. I used the force on her. It felt so. Because you know when you come in on your dad's smells and you go, oh my God. Being on the other end of that is fucking nice.

1:01:54Yeah, it's nice.

1:01:55Shane Gillis:Just full doors. I think I was wiping my ass. I was like, get out of here. She was like, ugh. Did we talk about it in LA? I hit my babe with one of those. Did you? She came back. I just took a dump and she came back in the hotel room and it was crazy. It was a new smell dump. It was like, what is happening? She came in and was like, holy shit. The whole hotel stunk. we had to open the door the doors on the balcony i was laying in bed like shut the fuck up i just shit you don't they love it dude yeah she was everybody loves it they love it someone for his stinky dump is so funny i'm saying they love the stinky dump they fucking love it dude they every second of it they're going oh my god this stinks so bad they're going they fucking love it yeah they're like soothsayers they can only see your future when they're smelling your dump.

1:02:44Shane Gillis:They smell the dump and they go, and they have visions like the fucking three-eyed raven.

1:02:51What's the consensus in the brother's chat about? It's kind of quiet right now. No, I mean, just like, I'm sure you guys are all bragging about benefits.

1:02:59Shane Gillis:No, man, it's actually, fucking my brother sent me this shit. He sent me this as just a babe. And then I was like on my phone, Maya went over my shoulder. She goes, dad, are you talking to your girlfriend? I was like, yo, what the fuck? God damn. I have a fucking girlfriend. I said, where the hell are you getting that from? She's like, I don't know. I was like, wouldn't you be mad if Daddy had a girlfriend? Would you be cool with that? You know? Are you chill? Who cares, right? Are you chill? I guess your generation won't even matter by then. Your generation. I should understand. Yeah, let me say, I'll say almost.

1:03:36Shane Gillis:I imagine there's some bragging going on. I mean, yeah. It's typically. In the beginning. It's been pretty quiet. That's why I'm kind of... I think you guys are hitting the... At first, it was nothing but like... Yeah, at first, dude, look. At first, it was this. Just a guy, cool guy, long hair. Now, my brother's sending me slightly goon material. I'm like, yo, bro, chill, man. Who's going to break first, you think? I don't know, man. Me, probably. That's why I'm trying not to be the weak link. People could also be fibbing. Dude, fibbing about not doing it is where... I've said it before. It's where you end up with boys in a motel room.

1:04:08Shane Gillis:If you fib about fibbing, then you just... yeah yeah you end up fucking doing something bad yeah because you go what else gonna what other secrets i can get away with anything true i'm gonna text him now i hope every day is a beautiful mystery for you those letters were crazy bro yeah do you think trump had swag like that back in the day i think he did up his boy i sound i don't know man that's like one of those ones that's so spot on that you're like somebody that'd be a genius to come up with that yeah you're a beautiful enigma may every day be a beautiful mystery for you my friend stay mysterious that's if he wrote that i'm done with him it's kind of i mean it is hyper swag to just write a pedophile letter be like you're a beautiful little bit little secret you're my secret although those dudes yeah i mean yeah that's never mind i like that everyone's running with the epstein thing now what do you mean they're just like trump's on the list.

1:05:08It's like, yeah, we all knew that. Yeah. The whole time. We knew it.

1:05:13Shane Gillis:Although everyone was holding out hope that he was with the staff. You could still be on the list and hang out with the staff, dude. Yeah. If you go, if you went and hung out with the staff, you're on the list. Yeah. I'll be honest. I turned him. I heard he was on the list and I turned kind of a blind eye where I was just kind of like, nah. I knew it. I was like, we'll see what comes out. But yeah, I was more focused on Gates because I was like, at least they didn't hang out after he was. You want Gates. I do. Well, also, apparently it's like on the record. They're hanging out after he was busted as a pedo.

1:05:42Shane Gillis:Yeah. So in my head, I was going, you know, whatever. I'm not like the biggest Trump supporter, but it's like maybe he hung out with him before he was a convicted pedo. Yeah. But is there any info on that? Like, did they bro down after the conviction? That's the real. When was the first one in Florida? Was it late 90s? Oh, okay. It was like 07. It was under Obama. Oh, never mind. Didn't Trump spaz after the Epstein stuff didn't go his way? Didn't he all arrest Obama as a recovery? Such a funny thing. You're a pedophile. I'll arrest Barack Obama. If you guys keep calling me a pedophile, I'm going to arrest Barack Obama.

1:06:242008. Okay. So that was during Obama.

1:06:30Shane Gillis:Okay, so Epstein got busted during Obama? Yeah, but all the Trump stuff is from pre the bust. You know, that's what I'm saying. Did he chill with him after the bus? That's the that's the million dollar question. Was he his beautiful mystery then? That's the question.

1:06:54Well, we'll find out next week. True. Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Goodbye. Thank you.

1:07:32and Rufy Thorpe. I, Hunter Harris, wrote and read the forward. The audio book's out now. Give it a listen.

1:07:40Shane Gillis:This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on plus and pro plans.