Ep 571 - Daddy's Dots

24:00Shane Gillis:I swear to God, I remember this. Or maybe I was just hoping. he does have some great songs he's yeah little guys ex fucking rules hitting dude he's bisexual now yeah well you're clearly gay yeah i wonder man i don't yeah i guess he yeah i guess he's he came across gay as can be i'm surprised he's like didn't uh what's his name do that too who's the gay uh british guy blonde hair politician political guy. Milo. Milo. Milo, yes. I think he did that as well. Milo had some wild accusations. He was saying he sugged somebody of high profile. Someone of high profile said something. He goes, yeah, that's why I remember I sugged you.

24:45Shane Gillis:Damn. It was an actor, actually. Now I remember, it was like a very high-ranking actor guy. He was trying to talk shit on Milo. He was like, yo, I gave you head. Yeah, basically. Trying to ruin his life. Oh, dude, it was Tobey Maguire. He claims he sucked Tobey Maguire's dig. Oh. He claims he He sucked. No way. He sucked Toby. Yeah, Toby was saying something, and Milo, I think, came out of nowhere. I was like, yeah, that's why I sucked your motherfucker. Oh, no. That's why I sucked your dick, motherfucker. And he was like, take money. That's a good comeback. That's tough, man. I mean, yeah, what a fucking...

25:18Shane Gillis:Hey, I don't know. I'm not saying I believe it. I don't know what happened, but... Allegedly. That hurts, bro. I feel like Toby's a pussy getting fell out. He was in the pussy posse. He was in the pussy posse. Although, like I said, dude... David Blaine, Q-Tip. Was it DiCaprio and Toby? It was another hunk. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe DiCaprio. I think it was DiCaprio, Toby, David Blaine, and Q-Tip. They were the Pussy Squad? They called themselves the Pussy Posse. What? They would go out and get pussy. Damn, they were doing... It was probably so cool in the 90s, early 2000s, to be like, yo, we're the Pussy Posse.

25:51Pussy Posse.

25:52Shane Gillis:Although, here's the thing. It's like... Yeah, Leo. Yeah, they're big-time celebrities. So it's like they're clearly getting pussy. Yeah. The fact that you're setting up the posse is like... And you got a magician in the squad. That's tough. It's pussy time. Yeah. He's going to confuse the hoes. He's going to hit them with a spell of confusion. I still get mystery videos. Remember mystery from the pickup artist on VH1? He's still doing seminars and shit. We should get him on the pod. He's nice. Yeah, that'd be nice. He talks about breaking into sets. What set? A set is like a group of girls. A group of girls.

26:24Shane Gillis:Yeah. If you saw a set, how would you approach the set? I don't know. I don't approach the set. You wouldn't approach the set. I avoid the set. You hold frame and led the set. I hold the frame, yes. Mystery would agree with that. Oh, nice. Yeah, you definitely, you don't, what he was saying is you don't go up and say, excuse me. Clear, flashbang. Probably breach the door, quick flashbang, grab one of them, zip ties. If that's your frame, I'm not going to hate your frame. That's your frame. That's a strong frame. The five of us could easily do that, dude. I need you guys to stack the door, twos on each side.

26:59Maybe a battering ram. Yeah, we should bring a ram to the club. Yeah. Just in case they want to lock a door.

27:05Shane Gillis:Kick the door, have the party ball. Just in case they lock the door. Preach that, yeah. I'll come in the back with the party ball and just fucking hit them in the mouth. Remember party balls? Dude, they were the sick. I remember going to my brother's college party. We have a party ball, and I'm like, yo. Dude, that's so much worse than a keg, but for some reason so cool. It's like two cases of beer and a tiny little ball. They were fucking sick though. They were sick. But yeah, he said you should never, if you're approaching a set, you want to break into the set, you'd never lead with like, hey, excuse me, I'm sorry.

27:39Shane Gillis:He goes, why are you excusing yourself? And what are you sorry for? You never, you just, you walk up and you say, I'm here to talk to you now. I gotta, like, I'm not denying the guy. These are all just, you just have to be autistic. Yeah. I'm here. I'm not sorry about anything. I'd like to talk to you. Yes. It's fucking crazy. But you can't be wanting anything. I'd give him steel out of you if he came over. You'd what? I'd fix the bayonet. If I saw a guy do that, I'd go, for King George. Vive la France. It's all about not wanting anything. You have to come from a place of abundance and just walk up and be like, yo, the energy is just crazy in here.

28:19Shane Gillis:Then just walk away. Very mysterious. Walk away. The energy is crazy in here. turn around and be like, don't you wish you could hang out with me? And just like walk away. Just go sit, stand a couple feet away. Keep looking at him. Then go, all right, it's time to go back in. Dude, the energy's crazy, right? You gotta go join your four other boys dressed like a pirate of the Caribbean and just wait for the babes to come over. They are the pirates. Dude, for real. They just wait, dude. He was, dude, he was like the, I think he was like the granddaddy of peacocking. That's where it all came from.

28:44That's where Kirby's got it.

28:45Shane Gillis:Yeah. You just come up and you, you know, you break, then you bounce the set. That has to be the most embarrassing phase to have gone through. Yeah. Like, Gerby's trying to peacock is the most embarrassing thing I've heard any of our friends do. Stuff. Like, getting a big belt buckle. That's what he did. He went out and got a, like, big belt buckle to try to peacock. Did you ever, when you were in college or, like, younger, try to play the numbers game? What's that? Where you just try to talk to as many women as possible. No, I've never, I've never really, uh, just cold called the babes. I've cold called the babes.

29:19I've never cold called ever.

29:20Shane Gillis:I've done it. You get like nine shots in you to start walking up like, Hey, actually I probably haven't just don't, I guarantee you I haven't just don't remember. I've just been hammered. Like, should we kiss? Just, yeah, whatever, bitch. Just, I remember like getting, waking up just like semi blacked out and having like new numbers and just no idea what these people look like. Like, Hey, what's going on? It's never went anywhere. Yeah. Yo, that was really fun last night. We should chill. But the vibes in here were crazy. The energy was nuts. I'm coming from a place of, I'm texting you from abundance right now.

29:55Shane Gillis:I'm not desperate to kiss you. Yeah, that's got to be, I feel like for young guys now, it's tough. Yes. I still feel like, in terms of making the approach. Oh, yeah, yeah. The rules have changed. The rules have certainly changed. You went through a societal shift and you're not allowed to, the approach is a terrifying approach. At the bar, I still think the move is, and I've seen people do this out, and maybe it's just me, but I feel like you have to look like you're having more fun than you're actually having and try to attract the babes that way by having the ultimate high fives. I remember doing this semi-consciously in college, being like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and being like, fuck.

30:39Shane Gillis:They don't think we're having that much fun. This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes. have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet yeah every time every single time yeah i did it all week fucking disaster i left a i mean i literally painted my bowl this morning yeah it was crazy there's nothing wrong with that no it was a paint job uh do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel how much extra do you ever need it pretty much an extra pair per day yeah i always bring extra underwear yeah yeah yes not because i'm fucking shitting my pants constantly.

31:13Yeah, I just used to really work it out. What the fuck are you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on, dude? How horny are these people? What do they want to know?

31:24Shane Gillis:There's got to be something about standing up, though. Like, I'm a stand-up wiper, honestly. Sitting down, I just... It smears everything. I don't know. I can't do it. Well, Matt, whichever way you wipe, it's time to show your b-hole some respect and upgrade to dude wipes. Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss, and the flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. They leave no room for dingleberries or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Plus, they're extra large and designed for adults. So no more endless rolls or settling for a less than perfect wipe. Dude Wipes. Best clean, pants down. Available.

31:56These guys are really funny. Amazon. It's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. Guys, August 16th. It's coming up. It's next week. It's huge. Yeah, it's huge. Van Andel Arena, Grand Rapids, Michigan. August 16th. It's going to be big.

32:13Shane Gillis:and then take fly back to Atlantic City after that fly right back to Atlantic City Ovation Hall Ocean Casino Resort I wouldn't go to that I would go to Grand Rathout no that's good oceans gonna be no oceans will be sick and this is gonna be before or after the race after oh nice you get to talk about the race on the true that's gonna be yeah it's gonna be a big think about that oh I better the whole time I run I'm gonna try to get a nice five minutes You'll get five out of that. You definitely will. It'll be nice. It's slated to sell out. It might not. We'll see. That'll sell out. It's very close.

32:48Shane Gillis:It's close. It's close. That thing's going to sell out. I hope it will. I think it will. And, you know, even if it doesn't, we're all going to have a good time. Guys, 8 o 'clock p.m., Atlantic City, New Jersey, August 16th. Go to, where did you say you're playing? Oh, 8 p.m., Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Eh.

33:08it's not as good i was going to do the atlantic city arena but i was like you know what you know what i'm not gonna do that to my fans whatever go to everyone you want i don't even care uh august 15th little caesars in detroit 16th grand rapids 23rd milwaukee oh millie walkie and then oh never mind september 6th Notre Dame Stadium. That'd be sick. That's going to be a bomb and a half. That's going to be so bad. But I'm just going to be happy to be there. That'll be tight. It'll be really uncomfortable, but...

33:41Shane Gillis:That's actually, yeah, now that you say that, that's actually amazing to perform at the stadium. You're going to wear pads? You should wear pads, bro. I'm going to be at Notre Dame this weekend. Or tomorrow. I go to Notre Dame tomorrow. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, strap the pads on. Line them up. Oh, you should wear them for your set. If you came out in pads, dude, and slowly fucking took them off. Took pads off. Just wore football pants, sleeveless under armor. Put a locker room bench on stage and just sit on it every now and again. Guys, dude, this is what it's all about. The house that Rockne built.

34:12All right. Go see our shows. August 16th in

34:16Shane Gillis:Whatever you want to do. Atlantic City. Check it out. Dude, I went to a bar this weekend. It might have been the freakiest bar I've ever seen in my life. Where was it? It was in Austin. It was like in East 6th Street. And I did that birthday party for our friends. We had a 5K in the morning, second place. Oh, man, I forgot about that. Second place. Second place. We did a show on Friday, and he was like, fuck, I forgot I have this birthday party at 8 a.m. A 5K. I liked it. It was the birthday party. I liked it because I'm up anyway at 7 o 'clock. I hear you, but who's doing that? Why are you doing that?

34:51Shane Gillis:Gear up, bro. Why are you doing that? My 40th is going up January. It's going to be chilly. We're going to do a 10K. No, 10K. Nice. And I'm going to, well, I had, I didn't know the route. So I had to just follow. I was just following the pack. Did you beat the birthday boy? I did. Last second I sprinted ahead of him.

35:08Shane Gillis:You have to. I want it gold. I didn't know. You got the gold. I thought we were doing a full 3.2 mile. It was, it ended up being like a 2.8, 2.9. So I didn't even know where the finish line was. Oh, that's nothing at 8 a.m. On a Saturday. I would have crushed that. Easy, bro. It was like 840, 840 mile. 8 a.m. Bro, I want it gold. so bad. You know what's weird? I've been running at the track. And then you guys went to a freaky bar after? Well, then it was, that was classic running club shit. Oh, yeah. Freaky bar. Dude, I went to the bar and it was like... You're fully ingratiated into the Austin community.

35:39Shane Gillis:Nah, I gotta do, this was a gentleman's running club. Running club, then freak jolt? A little freak off after the jolt? Dude, this bar, the tips were, it was like 20, 25%, and then there was 69 % you could tip the bartenders. Every time it got me, I'd be like, ha ha. Every time. what were people wearing during the run were the fellows popping the tops off for it no it was pretty it was shirts that's good people were rocking shirts that's good i will say it's in defense of running shirtless it's so much better did the babes show out the babes were there at the finish line oh it was just a guy's 5k yeah the girls ran with the kids so the girls did like a one miler with the kids that would have been so embarrassing i would have gone with the kids i would have been walking yeah yeah you can take a shortcut no one is watching i would pop my shirt off and walked with the kids you're gonna lift them slowly walk with the kids shirtless you should have shot put it the kids just fucking it was sick i've been like praying for that scenario to like sprint in front of all the wives and i finally got to do it yeah you get to show them show them your power you're coming from a place of abundance athletic abundance yeah just be like bro just just i just want you guys to probably like fake laugh as loud as you could to show them that you're having a good time while you're sprinting.

36:53Shane Gillis:Yeah, I wasn't salty, but I was like, I wanted to run, I feel like I could have got first if we did the full 3.2. I don't want to ruin the birthday vibes. Just say it's your birthday. Why the fuck didn't we go the full way? Just say your birthday's next week and go, it's five miles. Just me versus one guy. Only invite one guy and just do a 40 yard dash. I'm just going to invite everyone's wives and be like, oh fuck, I didn't tell you. I ran a race by myself. You should put tickets on sale and get a crowd and don't tell them this place is packed this is crazy that'd be kind of nice it was fun it was a uh it was a fun way to start but yeah it was we ended up in a freaky ass bar it was kind of it was a little wild very freaky place yeah yeah it was it was just fucking weird man i haven't been out like that in a while were people crushing micklobes what are they crushing it's a runner's club cocktails delight cocktails all right the bartender gave us like he's like i you know i'm I'm going to give you some shots.

37:48Shane Gillis:It was just literally like, it was just juice with like a little bit, but people kept thinking that I was buying shots for this. Hope I wasn't. They're like, oh man, I'll get, I was like, dude, someone's giving these to me. They thought you were buying a bar. I thought I was in a gay bar. The whole time I was like, I went to the dude. I'm like, yo bro. It was a freaky gay bar. I thought it was, because one of the, you went to a running club and then a freaky ass gay bar. I thought it was a gay bar. It was like, it's not a gay bar. The roids have gone to your head. No,

38:15Shane Gillis:I went to this bar. You tell me. So I go to a bar. One of the drinks itself was called like the twitchy twink. That's what I thought. And then, dude, I'm ordering a drink for me and Brittany. And a guy goes like, how's it going? And I'm like, OK, the guy's being I'm in a gay bar. I told the party I was with him. I'm like, this is a gay bar. And it's not a fucking gay bar. I was like, a dude just talked to me. This is definitely a fucking gay bar. And they're like, no, it's not a gay bar. but but then someone i was with got kind of pressed by a lady it was like intense nice yeah this lady just like walked up to him and just stared at him and then and i was like i thought i was like i thought you knew her and he was like no i was like what we're the kind of freaky ass place are we in yeah and then she walked back with a dude and locked eyes on him again i was trying to tell him i'm like bro you might have to pull out a single man no hell no he was a married man yeah which is sick maybe she was chinese hmm maybe the her husband was a child he was like this is a nice bar why don't you drain your sack in my drink a couple twitchy twinks i swear to god there was it was the freakiest place i've ever been to in my life i mean it might just be me my my sexual vibes are crazy you're probably it's insane dude you're probably so i finally finally what the fuck is this all the guys are trying to fuck me everyone wants to fuck 69 percent yeah i was i was getting hoarded just hitting the 69 on the little thing i was like oh she knows finally got blessed that night i got blessed that's good i got after the 5k you gotta get blessed 5k and i it was also a drunk wife action drunk wife action drunk wife action bro is the best you have freaky ass it's the best she yeah it was nice so i you know i don't want to get graphic but i am gonna i just want to paint the picture for the benefits dude of you know my new lifestyle yeah my austere lifestyle bro i could have went again swear to god i could have control i could have ran it back why didn't you i tried oh damn you got stuffed on the two-point conversion

40:29Shane Gillis:it would have been a high pregnancy risk though because she she was like it was that time yeah i i mean i caught the i mean it was like the planet's fully turned two on the cp it was two well it was it was ovulate full ovulation drunk wife which is the best yeah i was coming off of i claim it was a 14 day retention my wife's like you're so dramatic it was maybe like seven i'm like bro it was four fucking i want to i want to start dotting the calendar so i have proof you should because i swear to god it was 14 days why not what's holding you back at this point you should just remember you should have it in your family's kitchen That's the calendar I'm talking about.

41:07Well, that's absurd. You can't.

41:08Shane Gillis:Just a tiny dot. You literally can't do that. Just a tiny dot. You have kids, bro. They don't know what it is. Someday they will. Just a tiny dot. Someday they're going to see this episode and go, that's what those fucking dots were. Ew. Or they'll be like, oh. You're going to be dead by then. You're going to be roided out. You're going to have a roid rage on the highway. You're going to fucking jump in front of a car and go, stop.

41:33Yeah, dude. You can't put no cum dots on your family calendar. Daddy's dots, dude.

41:41Shane Gillis:It's disgusting. Just a tiny flick of the pen. Dude, if I found out my daddy was putting dots on the calendar. Oh. It's like. You don't care that I'm being gaslit, potentially. I'm being fucking gaslit. Keep the calendar somewhere private. I want my wife to see it. Show her. Keep it in your bedroom. Nah, yeah, true. no yeah just my own special i should get my own special calendar of like motorcycle babes and put it all yes i might start hanging up like study hard posters in my room for sure like horny college dorm poster you should that'd be awesome i could start with like a tasteful kind of like artwork of like a new lady and then those two girls kissing you remember that one that was like a famous it was in every college dorm it was two hot chicks in bed oh yes yes i know exactly what you're talking about it was it was too much i might get some like afrocentric erotica and just like put it up like and just like i think it's a school it's beautiful art it's beautiful art and then slowly start stepping it down like this is more like pop art it's a collage i made myself yeah with a couple of magazines cut them out me and the kids sat down and did arts and crafts and cut out babes.

42:55Start a babe collage. Babe collage is sick.

42:57Shane Gillis:Now grade school women put all the hunks. The hunk collage? You should just get a fucking hunk collage. A hunk collage would be nice. A hunk collage would be sick. Put yourself in it. Put like you and Robert Pattinson and Timothy Chalamet. Hunk collage is sick. Bro, I might make my wife a hunk collage. Toss all your boys in it too. Just get the cool hunks and then toss all of us. I'll get the best pictures of all of us, dude. It'll be like... It'll make Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band. It's just hunks and hunks. Dude, hitting your wife with like a, you know, like a retro, like a corkboard hunk wash for her birthday.

43:34Shane Gillis:And then, yeah, just like I'll get in a good shape so I can take like pictures of myself as well. I might just go full boudoir. Do like a one-on-one boudoir session and give it to my wife. It would be nice. I'd be so happy if I found out you did that. Boudoir? Yeah. I mean, it would probably end our relationship. If I did a boudoir photo shoot for my wife? Yeah, I'd be furious. Why? No, I'm kidding. That'd be crazy. That would be so funny. Now, if you did it to be funny, yes, that's obviously great. Yeah. Just you in a fucking, what are those called? What's the thing that tightens your corset?

44:11A corset. A corset, but just dick and nuts out. That'd be nice. Yeah. They make men's shapewear, by the way. I might have to get into that.

44:19Shane Gillis:Yeah, get some men's shapewear. just like fucking pop the fucking sides in i'm i'm on a mission now to get shredded by the way and just get giant knockers yeah have everything sticking out dude i got i was uh i was confident in my body recently and my my youngest daughter came up to me she made a like a play-doh ball and she's like here dad it's for you and i was like thanks she's like yeah it's fat like you are and i was like all right i had to just be like all right fucking hit her well i was like yeah i ran a six foot now we now we talk yeah it's true you should have shot the legs immediately i was like well actually i'm doing more performance-based goals i don't care about aesthetics right now and then i was like i was shirtless in front of a mirror i was telling it to britney and she like laughed and smacked my ass and it like dude in my ass shook my side shook and then my belly it all like went all the way up to the top and i was like i need to lose fucking 10 pounds this is bullshit that's crazy she hit a chain reaction jiggle then she commented on she He goes, oh, my God, man.

45:13Shane Gillis:He got it moving. I was like, all right. He's being fucking devastated. Yeah, you're in girl. You're in girl world. I was raised in the darkness. I was born in the darkness. You got to just plow through it, dude. You got to go, I don't give a fuck. Fuck you. That's what I'm saying, man. Fuck you, lady. Yeah, let's race, dude. Let's fucking race my whole family. I'll smash you guys. Let's fucking fist fight right now. Who cares? I'm definitely doing the dots on the calendar now that I think about it. Yeah, true. I didn't know the kids were talking shit, too. Yeah, it's dot time. Dots. Yeah. Yeah.

45:42Oh, my God.

45:46Shane Gillis:All I'm saying is the last time that way I can like she like you're being dramatic. I could walk downstairs, take a picture and say here. July 14th. Yes. That was my last crumb. That was my last one. Try to beg for the back. The back to back would have been nice. Would have been awesome. It was tight. You feel really good about yourself when you hit a when you turn to like that. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't done that in forever. Now, but here's the thing. I know there's no guarantee. I could have obviously lost it. I could have lost my helium as soon as I put it in there. Sometimes you lose your helium.

46:16Honest attempt. Sometimes you go for it. Stuffed on the goal line. Yeah, you got stuffed in the one, dude. That happens. That's good, though. Now you got field position. True. Now they're going to play out of the back of the end zone. We got, come on. True. But yeah, dude, I'm telling you, I hit the rocks, man.

46:31Shane Gillis:What do you got? You guys have an issue? No. I'm in a really vulnerable place right now. You guys whispering is not helping me. What were you whispering about? I just forgot. Oh my gosh dude You guys are busy Talking about your show tonight What's going on With your big show No I like that Why can't we talk about it Oh is there something Negative happening With the big show Every time I check in With you guys You're like talking shit On someone Yeah Yeah I had to have a chat With the boys Oh no Yeah We were drinking Really I had to get Fellas Tell the council You guys gotta stop With this negativity It's true Just do it True true but you know who am i to judge i was all right just edited out this episode is brought to you by rocket money rocket money um matt what were you finally able to save for thanks to money the automatic savings vacation can i can i tell you something actually i had a surprise charge story really crazy surprise charge those those lying cam girls no actually it's funny enough they had nothing to do with that i was going through my which one called me we're i have a joint credit card with my wife and we're going over the monthly charges and it was like a shock they almost someone had i think frauded us and i had a charge for the bangkok massage down by the airport sons of bitches it was fucking bullshit 160 that's i mean and also that's a tough one for you to have to i know that was not me i said babe what the hell i'm so taking off so surprised by this this is fraud someone this is fraudulent suspicious rocket money involved rocket money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and It helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

48:09Shane Gillis:Guys, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. That's rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. Rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew. Oh, yeah. Fellas, let me introduce you to Blue Chew Gold. Yo. No, it's not something a rich guy orders at a steakhouse. Blue Chew Gold is the newest innovation. This isn't your typical good luck buddy pill. Blue Chew Gold combines two ingredients for blood flow. Oh, man. With two for mental arousal and connection. So now your body and your brain are clocking in for the shift. Because sex is not just about being able to perform.

48:56Shane Gillis:I totally agree with that. It's about actually wanting to. Now, wanting to is extremely important for sexual intercourse. A million percent. Yeah. And we've got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of Blue Chew gold, you get the third free with promo code Drenched. You'll also receive an additional 10 % off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. Oh, yeah. Tell me. Wow, wow, Wes. That happens. And we're back. Yeah. It was slightly gay. Yeah. Slightly gay. You guys are sensitive. I could have waited until after.

49:36The three of you are fired up. You guys are fighting for your fucking lives down here. Was it like that in Philly? No. You guys weren't so aggressive back then. No, I was. I was in Philly. Yeah, I remember you in Philly. You turned into a little nasty fuck there. I'd get wind of it. You'd be in Philly and like, I'm the fucking best. I'll bury anybody here. I've been very nice down here. Yeah, you can't do that.

49:58Shane Gillis:Well, you guys were seniors in high school. Now you're a college freshman. Yeah. Now you're a 40-year-old freshman.

50:08it's just growing pains dude you guys will be all right i can't talk i've been bombing i've

50:14Shane Gillis:been chucking up fucking eggs dude at open mics you guys are part of the process it is and that's the that's the hardest part i'm not good at that i can take bro i can i can bomb and just hit the road whistle and just be like right yeah i did it i mean it didn't feel great last night i was like yeah it was it's not the best in the world especially when you're like when you like Like literally, your mind falls apart and you're like, oh yeah, I fucking stink right now. I was like, they're about to get hit with a real pro. I was about to change the fucking tone of this 12 people in the room and just instantly come out and be like, I've been depressed for two weeks and I don't know guys, I'm sorry.

50:47I don't know why I started like that. 12 people in the room is a guaranteed, it's going to be a bad show. I know.

50:54Shane Gillis:It was. It was bad. But still, I wanted the whole frame. I was not coming from a place of abundance. I think you bragged about your abundance. Isn't that what happened? Yeah, he said I was depressed. And I was like, yeah, I'm too motherfucking loaded to be depressed, dude. People are like, yeah, I hate you more now. Yeah, I'm depressed, bro. I'm so rich. All right, kill him. I know. Give him steel. I thought it would be funny. It is funny. I thought it would be funny to me. That is funny. I laughed. I was on the bird scooter on the way home. I was like, that was funny. Yeah, fuck them. Dude, I was on the scooter today.

51:25Shane Gillis:Catching air on Airport Boulevard. It was crazy. I got a new ramp. There's a new ramp on Airport Boulevard. Really? Yeah. I was on the way to the gym. There's a new ramp. I was catching. I was like just praying to God. I'm like, please let someone I know see me ramping on Airport Boulevard. That's all I want. How much air do you think you caught? That's a lot. On a lime? Not bad. That's a lot. That's a heavy fucking vehicle. I surprised myself. I can kind of bunny hop them if I'm being honest, but getting a little ramp like full speed downhill felt good. Felt good, dude. also too in the uh i'll say that there's an i've been noticing a new evolution at the gym so you know that there are tortoise right yeah i've i've only it's pretty rare but i've seen some tortoise are going towards the weights and they're there might be a new form yeah it's a blastoise when the tortoise the tortoise have been getting jacked and evolving into blastoises it's kind of nice I've seen some Blastoise.

52:26I know a couple Blastoise. I've followed their Instagram. I've watched them transform into full Blastoise. It's fucking nice, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good move. I've noticed women getting into bodybuilding. Yes. They call it bikini model fitness competition. Have you seen that on... You ever follow an IG lady that changed her life? No. I knew someone in real life who did this a while back.

52:48Shane Gillis:They became a female... It's not like a full bodybuilder. They get fucking shredded, dude. They get shredded. And then they do blackface for the competition like the guys do. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, it's pretty wild. They get trumped up. I guess when you do blackface like that, it shows your muscles more. It does, for sure. For real, yeah, you black body out. Yeah, it shows your muscles more. That's all it is. That's why, dude, you guys can't tell I'm fucking jacked. Oh, I know. I'm just too pale. Dude, those competitions, too, a lot of those guys get naked for the spray tan. For sure, yeah.

53:19Shane Gillis:So like the bodybuilding competitions, you go back and you just bust out dong and a lady just sprays you down. It's pretty crazy. That's crazy. The bodybuilding world is definitely one of the most wild things. It's fucked up. It's a wild group of people. It's a wild group of bros. Yeah. But would you, I don't know. I feel like I would still like, I'd be like, you can just hit my legs. I'm not showing. Yeah, just have a pale patch in my fucking bikini. Just pubes popping out. but yeah the the female fitness model thing is is kind of weird do any bodybuilders not do the tan it'd be nice to hit it with just full pale you yeah no i think they all hit the spray tan and i guess if you're like a black bodybuilder you just oil up big time hit the baby oil so i think there's something about you want to get like glisten you want to get like wet glistening looking that's fucking weird you're trying to win the competition i know what do they win like protein powder they win you win for like a trophy and you yeah you win like a protein powder might be like we'll sponsor you it is nice to have that trophy yeah it'd be awesome most jack dude in the region yeah it's fucking sick can i say it you guys i think bodybuilding is gay bodybuilding might be the gayest thing you could everyone thinks it's gay yeah it's like super gay i mean tell that to lou ferrigno bro yeah there's some cool ass jack dudes Arnold, Lou Ferrigno, Ronnie Coleman Was Ronnie Coleman the black dude?

54:47Yeah, Ronnie Coleman rules Don't make me talk bad about Ronnie Coleman Well, you just called him gay You called him gay Well, yeah That's not bad I'm telling you, the Noctis boys have become nasty Little fuck Look at you throwing your boys under the bus Not me Nasty fucks I'm Zendini No, you're not Zandini. The Zandini talks crazy. No, I am. The Zandini talks crazy. Especially after my mutter left. I am embarrassed. What? You're embarrassed of what you said? I don't feel Italian and then my mutter comes around and I just love her so much. It's embarrassing. Yeah. That's so crazy. It's the most Italian.

55:31Yeah, you're definitely not Irish. You bring your mom around, you go, oh my God. I miss my mutter. I love my mommy. Yeah, but I don't want to fucking hang out with her. Yeah, I guess we don't... I love her, but... Yeah, we don't chill. We don't have a lot of comments. We don't really have good conversations. Yeah, I just see her. I just see her in her house. Yeah. That's why I like to talk to my mommy. Guard Dog was trying to bring her to the fucking bar with us. No, I was just busting your chops. I think you were feeling it out a little. I did not want to. LeMaire, what do you think? He was feeling it out.

56:02No, that's not true. It settled. I wouldn't do that. It settled. You can bring mommy. I did have the plumbing issue where I almost had, my house was almost filled with girl poop for a moment. What? All the women in his life were dumping his house. They were probably saving it for your house. We went to Terry Black's and they got home and my sewage fell. Yeah, they dropped that off all the way from Jersey. They brought that down south. That was an airdrop. Yeah.

56:29Shane Gillis:A nice Jersey girl. A nice Jersey fucking dump. A nice sub for the fucking, a nice Jersey sub. Yeah, hoogies. Dang, so they were dumping out in your house big time? Oh, yeah. Remember when my mom collapsed the ceiling? It's the funniest thing in the world. Mine poops. Yeah, I still hold it down. Girl dumps are... Unbelievable. Horrific. Unbelievable how bad they are. We had to go somewhere else so they could all defecate. Huh? We had to go someplace else. You had to take them to the YMCA to drop dumps. We went to the bar so they could poop. You went to the bar to take dumps? yeah there's one like right around the corner from my house damn you had to load up the car and go all right everybody wait till everybody has to shit and then we'll go yes that's exactly what i did i mean that's kind of how we do it yeah get to the bar you go oh fuck i forgot that shit was it a uh was there two stick they go like side by side or they have to wait uh there's a few bathrooms so they all just went at once no way did you all went at once i think like they were all holding it and they all like embarrassingly were like we all have to poop like one by one so i was like all right we could go someplace yeah we can we can hit this and you said you should have monitored the bathroom and let them know if the smell level is gonna do that i didn't do that all right guys flush it come on flush it oh but johnny reuter saves me shout out to johnny reuter plumbing nice i love you 24 7 plumbing that's nice it's really funny when the family We used to race after church.

57:58Shane Gillis:Oh, God, yeah. The after church race to the turlet. The whole family of big dogs just rumbling to the turlet. Me and my brothers used to race to the turlet after church, but for different reasons. Nefarious reasons. To get rid of that dot. There were no dots on the calendar in the McCosker house. The Nikki Secret catalog would come into the house and it would just be tribal warfare the whole time. Dude, where is it? Dude. you fuck yeah just first one gets it it would i mean this is graphic but first one get it would fucking glaze it right away it would just be fun it would just be jesus christ dude that's so fucked up it was crazy i could i when i was a little boy i had to fucking spray the magazine everything i couldn't not do it like when i was a little kid i was just i sprayed a maxim once felt real weird about it i fucking loved it yeah i would spray it wipe it off and just fold it up and like put it in a juror and be like all right those this is my little secret those pages are done now we just work my way through yeah it's kind of tear the page out it's kind of fucked up wash it you have to destroy it yeah put it right back together

59:10thing weighs fucking 10 pounds just men in big white suits would have to come take it away dang dude yeah the race back from church was nice yeah dumping I told you they used to make me run right no my family it was a fun game we had they would make me get out of the car at the the entrance to my neighborhood and race the car home oh that's awesome yeah I thought I was fast as shit I would fall every single time I'd hit a curb every single time they thought it was the funniest it must have been so funny it's hilarious see me sprint home from church doesn't like a like khakis yeah I was saying

59:46Shane Gillis:his striped polo shirt and khakis just falling it's so funny oh it's easy were they keeping they were keeping the car kind of like the car exactly my speed and like speeding up so i'd be like yeah it's good shit that is such a funny thing to do to be like i'll fucking be faster than the car this is crazy oh that's awesome yeah yeah it's a weekly tradition as a kid i had up into like high school i had the most outlandish sense of confidence about so many different things yeah it slowly just got all that had to be like oh shit all right fuck god damn it i'm not fast at all i'm not that strong being fast was such a flex yeah you're a kid yeah it's funny hyping like especially boys being like damn bro you're fast as hell they'll instantly be like you think so yeah take off show you yeah it's so like oh my god dude yeah now though it's kind of i think it's embarrassing to be fast what do you mean just like a fast guy yeah what are you fucking fast for i mean no i'm not coming to you i know you're flying i want to make sure i don't know what side i fall in this if i were to do like a 115 400 this morning like would i be if you ran a 115 400 i'm not talking fast like uh i'm not talking distance here talk about just a dude that's you know working in an office and fast as hell i know it's crazy i see him every morning there's dudes i watched some track uh yesterday did you really i watched some track and field what who was uh it was a u.s qualifiers uh some fucking high school kid got top three he was 16 years old he ran like i forget what it was like he ran the 800 it was insane how fast he was yeah i saw those handicapped swimmers man they were fast as shit dude they were dude 50 meters doing i think they're doing like 22 seconds 50 meters 22 seconds it's crazy they didn't seem too fucking handicapped they were fucking flying dude yeah i didn't see any i didn't really see a lot of missing fucking things i think their legs were fucked i think they're all arms there was a couple guys that were all arms yeah there's one guy without arms what dolphins underwater it's fucking crazy yeah your mermaid's out the whole way yo that's crazy i didn't know that yeah who are you guys looking at you guys are talking speed and maybe think of this guy he's just he just grabs things really fast yeah he's the man he's the man that's kind of nice that guy's cool yeah no you you see like the serious runners at the track and they're like they're freaks dude they're i i did the 400 i gave it my all and there's a guy who was just doing that pace just not stop around the track yeah just like bro i don't i don't know how you do that although he was fucking ripped i'm fat as hell so matt come on man you've got a perfect bod right now i thought i did i thought i did matt your bod's fucking rocking i thought my bod was rocking but it's about rocking dude don't let those little fucks get in your head dude they're killing your daughters get in your head i was just i was learning they're learning the ways of the woman oh they're killing dude crush me and also now chloe if i drop anything she goes fuck that's because she's heard me say it so many times well i won't even say it i'll drop something just fuck that's awesome it's so fun yeah when little kids swear it's so especially when they know like the right context yeah i have to like i'll be like dude no you're good don't you don't have to do that you're like okay fuck yep so nice anytime i call my sister she's on speaker phone and the kids are in the car and i never know so i'm like this fucking guy the the kids immediately You hear Anthony like, fucking, fucking.

1:03:23Katie will be like, hey, you don't say that. You hear him laughing. You're like, damn.

1:03:27Shane Gillis:Yeah, the key is to not freak. You'll be like, oh, okay. Or if you like calmly or go, yeah, that's a really bad word. They're like, what? No, I didn't know that. That's serious stuff. That's a bad word. They're going to get you. And they're scared of the police. You had kids that were like, yeah, the police could come get you. I remember the fear of the police. Prank called 911 once from the park and a cop showed up. Just ran through a field crying.

1:03:54Shane Gillis:yeah Brittany would be like I don't want them to be afraid of the police I'm like dude I'm sorry but I'm definitely gonna use this on them every time I have well yeah that's fine I'll just call the police officers they're like no yeah I told you Maya found out I had gone I'd gotten arrested before she was talking about like cops getting bad guys and I was just like you know I got arrested once she was like what yeah what happened I was like I was just being bad just being a bad guy It was actually really sweet. She was like, it's okay. I love you even though you got arrested by the police. I was like, thank you, Mike.

1:04:23Shane Gillis:That's really nice. She thinks if you get arrested, she thinks you're like a monster. She really thinks cops are out there getting people from TV shows who are trying to decimate cities. Yeah. So whenever someone's pulled over, she's like, that guy was trying to blow up Austin. For real. She's like, oh my God, a bad guy. That guy has a nuclear bomb in his car. I think there's like a real like super villain I can't judge I think that I see someone getting pulled over I'm like drugs drugs in the trunk there could be a shootout right now if there's more than one cop car I'm like this is fucking serious apparently they have to do that they're like supposed to have someone else and they're like we have anything better to do it's like they need another guy there apparently so yeah that happens every time I think that happened to us in South Carolina it happens all the time yeah they pull one guy gets you and then another the car comes you're like oh great fellas you guys are really fucking bringing out the whole force for this that was it was jaywalking it was nice when the older cops gave the young cop hell and he was like oh nice you got some jaywalkers nice work guys yeah that was awesome yeah that fucking rolled yeah being a cop it was a great night i came i cherish it that was a that was being just drunk enough to talk shit to the cops yeah oh dude i thought for sure i was so stoned and you can't you were you weren't even talking shit you're just laughing at the guy to his face Yeah, that was crazy.

1:05:41Shane Gillis:He'd be like, you gotta do this. And he'd be like, bad. I was like, come on, please don't let us get arrested. I don't want to get arrested. That guy, he was. He was a fucking dork. He stunk, dude. Yeah. Young cops are for real the worst. Young gung-ho out of the academy. Yeah, he like sped up to try to like almost fucking hit us. Yeah, it was kind of nuts. He was so far away. I was across the street. Yeah, well, I was moving a little slow. My church days are over. No, no, no. You were ahead of me. I waited. You ran across. And I waited and I saw the cops get you. And I was like, I just got to go over there.

1:06:13Shane Gillis:Maybe I can smooth it out. And he was like, I had a giant bowl in my pocket. I had a fucking like wizard pipe this big in my pocket. And he was like, and I was like, I thought I was going to buy like honesty points. And I was like, it was like a 20 year old cop. I was like, uh, I just want to be honest here. I do have a pipe on me. Giant, very ornate thing. I feel like he didn't give it back. I feel like he gave it back. I think he may have. I think he gave me. That was all the veteran. Yeah. The vet showed up and was like, dude, what are you doing? He definitely didn't smash it. I would remember it.

1:06:44He was being real serious about the jaywalking. Oh, he was such a dickhead about it. Do you have any weed on you? I said, no, sir. No. Smoked it all. Chiefed it. Who chiefed it? Your honor. Who chiefed it? How nice were the nugs? Oh.

1:07:01Yeah, dude. Great trip. Hotel pools. So fun.

1:07:04Shane Gillis:Yeah. That was all driving, too. Yeah, it was a good time. Nothing but driving. that was nice as a feature you brought your own support crazy brother crazy move yeah they never worked with me again and then we just heckled the fucking headliner the whole time it was a real dickhead move no that was warranted man he was yeah he was being a dickhead but if i were him i'd i would have i'd have been so sad if the feature brought a host and they were mean to me i was making for like two weeks we stayed in the same place yeah i remember i do remember at one point i was getting i was getting assy toward the guy and it was yeah it was just too hard not to yeah he was a dork he was a huge there was blood in the water and we were abusing substances

1:07:58Shane Gillis:yeah that's dude that's the uh that was the dave smith debate it was for real a pure bully sesh. He just bullied the guy. He laughed in his face, bullied him. The guy was being ridiculous. But it was rough. Just watching it. It was like a pure... I mean, it was literally like a New York Times nerd who just couldn't... He couldn't come up with any cool comebacks. And it was just Dave Smith who's been... The type of guy you really want to punch in the belly. Oh, yeah, dude, the New York Times guy. especially when he hit finally to go because he'd be like at first he was like play the video they play he plays a video from 10 years ago gets literally Dave laughs in his face is like you are a fucking loser and the guy doubles down and goes play it good he's like why would he play it just play it good and it was it was dude it was rough man so bad then eventually he took the bait he goes you're just a little man a little man from Brooklyn and I'm not afraid of you oh i'm not afraid of you i'm not afraid of you wow they've hit him with tough talk hit him with like the tough guy zoom being oh you're pretty tough on zoom aren't you because you're a little man and they've stunned him with the moab and he's going you can tell it hit him too man he for real does hit you oh somebody genuinely hits you with the the moab that fucking hurts a zoom moab wow wow and you can tell like he was sitting back with his fucking wife in bed after just getting how'd the zoom go i'll tell you the guy called me oh i called him a little i called him a scared little man i said by the way when you say scared little man i hate to break it to you what you're essentially calling somebody is the moab yeah they're dancing around it they dance around you're a scared little man in a pink sweater you walk kind of funny and you kiss guys you're calling someone gay if you're going you're a little man you're a effeminate little man but yeah that was I highly recommend watching that it's very very give it a watch that sounds great we should give it a watch in between it's very fucking funny yeah switch over let's watch it now and then switch to the page let's do it

1:10:23I didn't like what you said, Odin pauses, about the future. This is the love story of real hinge couple Odin and Edward, written and read by me, Curtis Garner. Listen to the free audiobook now.

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