Ep 572 - Gabriel (feat. Gabe Davis)

20:49Don't fucking fuck with that shit. And he fucking did it, dude.

20:57The bees is incredible. He really is. Never swam once.

21:03Shane Gillis:I know. It's crazy. Yo, he gets so mad if you bring up swimming. This is how he dressed at the beach. Just jeans, t-shirt. Yeah. She was up at like 6 p.m. Where were you all day? All black. All black with shoes on. We visited him at the beach, and he just never made it to the beach. He didn't go to the beach. He was like, yo, where are you? It's the bees, dude. Stands in jeans like, yo, it's fucking bees. Yeah, it's fucking hot out here. Yeah, dude, you're in jeans. Yeah, he rules. Oh, man. Oh, brother. Yeah, dude. What do you got going on? shit just rehabbing got some visits lined up go to some oh yeah see what we got going on you don't have to break the news but what do you know say what you want up to the northeast a little bit yeah yeah i like that out west little up there a little out west yeah yeah nice man you're rehabbing what's uh what's your injury i had tore my pcl meniscus yeah so i had tore it um the 17th game in 2023 in buffalo and then signed with jacksonville and the shit just never got back right yeah so i was just running like week 10 and just took a cut and then felt the pop in my knee and went to go try to walk to the sideline i was just like bro i can't make it so then my meniscus and then my pco end up fully my pco was already partially torn and it fully turn and then i tore my medial meniscus so how do you actually rehab that quad sets i mean it was a lot i was on crutches for like 12 weeks and then i got a blood clot in my calf so then i had to be on blood thinners for like three months um but literally like you just have to get that flexion back like bending and shit yeah like that's like the worst part you have to get that get that bend back or that's crazy dude if i run for like two days in a row my knees are fucked like if i don't know me they were talking about running i was like i don't think i've sprinted in a decade it's dude it's the when you when you do it again did you run track at all in grade school no i ran it and i wasn't good at all in grade school and i remember my like 100 meter time but i can't even touch it i can't get close you're fine well i mean i'm not that fast right now i'll run 100 meters and like i think i got like 13 5 13.5 but it's not dude i think i used to get like i know 10 with 10 seconds was like crazy in grade school and i think i used to get like 10 seconds is crazy now crazy now yeah like high yeah that's like high school guys okay never mind like maybe i got the same time maybe i'm just 14 seconds all the time there was a couple kids who ran like close to 10 and it was like 14 seconds is kind of moving i could be wrong 13.5 but yeah 13.5 is great but it's it's not bad that for when i first started sprinting again after a while my like i my my fingertips become numb like half my fingers are just completely lose feeling i'd be like fuck this is not good i might die out here yeah definitely but your body figures it out yeah you'll see when you're geezed up you do anything you go i didn't i didn't know that could happen to me yeah certain things start but dude my arms My hands will fall asleep.

24:12It's crazy. Yeah. This shit fucking sucks. Circulation's fucked up. I got a long time for that. It's coming.

24:17Shane Gillis:But here's the thing, though. When you do cardio. When you mad at me about fucking aging. No, I'm not doing that. It's going to happen. It just sounds like something that my body wouldn't do to me. Brother, I was like you. When I was your age, I was jacked and had abs and fucking. Trust me, dude. I took perfect care of my body from then until this age. All my tattoos disappeared, too. Yeah, your tats are going to fade off. Well, dude, cardio I always thought was pointless because I was like. Cardio is pointless. I thought it was. No, it's definitely the most important. I know, but when I was younger, I was like, I'm just going to bench press and get a bigger chest.

24:52Shane Gillis:Why the fuck would I run? And then when you run, your body grows like new veins. You just can't see them. But as soon as I learned that, I'm like, oh, this is sick. Yeah, it's the coolest thing. Yeah, you just think about your veins growing, your capillaries spread it, and you're like, this is fucking sick. Yeah. Especially when you get out of breath like when you were a kid. I haven't done that I did that recently this week and it was just like I used to do this like 10 times a day yeah I used to do it all day just like fucking for whatever reason I thought I was gonna die I laid down I was like round of 400 400 sucks 400 is fucking brutal yeah 400 I think 115 sorry I keep talking about track times no it's 115 that's solid yeah it's not bad it's alright 40 I mean I'm gonna be 40 in January so that's pretty good dude what would you run 100 meters in?

25:38Probably like 100 meters. I don't know. Probably like 11 maybe. Oh, shit. Matt might fucking burn you, dude. No, 13.5. Neck and neck. I just started working.

25:51Shane Gillis:We can have a race right now. I don't want to fucking run. I'm running. Matt will take you to deep waters. You're not ready. You got to keep rehabbing before you gum at my boy. I'm good. He's fucking secretary. He's fast. You're fucking. He's fast as shit. no thrill 13 vibes my anaerobic capacity is definitely my strength so yeah I've said it before all I gotta do is follow him the whole time I'm gonna give him a little leash I'm gonna give him a little lead make it think like oh shit I'm really beating this guy close the gap as soon as I see that finish line just go on hit the NOS where are you are you guys racing on the beach yeah that's gonna be tough dude a mile on sand gotta be close to the water we'll be close yeah we'll be on our set We'll be hard sand.

26:36You got draft behind him.

26:38Shane Gillis:That's true. I'm going to let him block the wind for me. Yeah. But yeah, it's going to be hard sand. I'm not going to go barefoot because last time I ran barefoot, I fucking fucked my toe up. But yeah, it'll be cool. Friday, it'll be Friday. It's kind of bullshit. I got to fly all day Thursday and then fucking get there. When you're running, how do you know who gets to the mile first, though? I'm trusting he has some sort of marker. If I'm guessing, it'll be a street sign on the beach. That'll be the marker. We'll see. It'll be fun. Yeah, it's going to be awesome. I might just try to do a photo fish.

27:04Shane Gillis:You should please film it. I'll have to figure out how to do it. And if you lose, delete it. I might just do a chesty with my phone. Just get a body cam? Do a chesty with my phone, yeah. Also, I talked to a cop recently, and he said his body cam footage, a lot of the times, is our podcast. It has the soundtrack to it. I'll just be listening to the podcast, and then he has to chase it. Get the fuck on the crew. It's making me laugh. I've been watching nothing but body cam footage last few days. Yes, it's been pretty great. You enjoyed it. Body cam footage is nice. It's pretty funny. Although it gets a little sad.

27:35It's a lot of schizophrenic people. Yeah. Yeah. That sucks. When they start yapping, it's kind of funny. Yeah, they're awesome. I know it's heartbreaking, but yeah, they start hitting numbers and shit. Like, I'm actually 727. You're like, all right. Yeah, I love those guys. Yeah, they hit names and numbers. That's how you know. They're pretty impressive. They're like, Frank is coming here, and he's going to be pissed at you. People are like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, you'll see.

27:59Shane Gillis:Have you hit any completely schizophrenic Instagram videos? For sure. they're the best yeah where your first you're like what is this guy and they're like oh fuck this gets nuts yeah it's making a lot of sense at first you're like damn this guy is fucking cracked the code there's one good one there's a good body cam this guy this old dude shot a drone out of the sky and they came to talk to him and while he's getting cuffed he goes i can't breathe i can't but he makes a fucking george floyd joke and the cops are like dude he was the man though other than the george floyd joke i don't approve of that schizophrenic guy hit the gf joke he was not schizophrenic he was just a bro he was just bro he's literally a 72 year old guy that a drone was over his house so he shot it they all called the cops on him they were like we're not gonna arrest you and he was like i can't breathe they're like all right get in the fucking car

28:49yeah so i got that going that's really funny yeah i'm working on that can't believe those

28:53Shane Gillis:cops are being such fucking snowflakes dude they were the camera did shift away because i bet those cops fucking laughed those cops probably loved that fucking joke yeah yeah i'm sure they were like fuck that's a good one true yeah yeah what else is going on tell you this dude i had to run in with firefighters recently whoa what'd they do to you bro these guys were fucking hunks man what no i swear to god we had we had like a back to school party for my uh our friends came over friends from the neighborhood and britney i saw that on britney's story you guys put together a fucking it was it was it was it was crazy it was fucking fun but she called she art the fire department's like near our house she went up there and she's like hey if we're having a party just come by bring the trucks kids will spaz and i had to run out for a minute i come back there's two gigantic fire trucks bro hunks just walking among the fucking austin hunks dude dude like creme creme de la creme six three six they're just massive i could have told you the austin fire department was definitely jack dudes it's ridiculous jack hawkeye's the dude jiu-jitsu and shit i'm like i'm like oh cool like the fire department's here the kids are here this will be cool the wives are just being horny perverts the entire time being like did you call them for the kids or for us and right away i'm like fuck these guys that's crazy talking to husbands i'm like again you gotta do what they do you make those jokes back i know yeah yeah i should have been like i'll fucking i'll suck one of these fucking guys what if i sucked one of them how would that be just really loudly like what do you want like a devil's threesome with these two guys It's fucking crazy when pee in your butt.

30:27Shane Gillis:It's crazy. But no, I was I was hating. I was right away. I was like, he's fucking P. Get these fucking guys out. And then I talked to one firefighter. He's like, yeah, we love the cast. I'm like, these guys are fucking awesome. These guys are great. Yeah. I went from being like, I'm going to fucking start a fire down the street. Get these motherfuckers out of here. These fucking hot guys off my lawn. They truly were fucking sick. They got the jaws of life out and they were just crushing beers with making them explode. They were truly. Yeah, dude. It was so tight. These guys are awesome. Dude, they were blasting the hydrant.

30:57Shane Gillis:They fucking blasted me with the hydrant. I was like, that's kind of fucking funny. Really? Yeah. These guys had fun. They were the best. Yeah. I was like, because at first it was just hooked up to the truck, so it wasn't a lot of PSI, and I was like stepping in it, like showing the kids, like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. And then they hooked up to the hydrant. I was like, oh, fuck. Oh, guys. It hurts, yeah. Yeah. That fire department, they need to head down to that homeless encampment by Nate and just blast those fuckers. They cleared out. Yeah, they got rid of it. Yeah, they cleared out. They're coming back, dude.

31:23I don't think so.

31:25Shane Gillis:now what the fence that kind of does them in yeah you put a fence yeah they do over the dream they respect fences they do respect fences they did that in philly they had that whole uh it was near my old house they had a big baseball field and playground and like it just became like a genuine homeless encampment it was big and all they kicked them out and put up one measly chain link fence and they were like i can't yeah it's what they just put the handkerchiefs on the sticks They cannot fuck with fences at all. The simplest fence. They're like, well, show's over, guys. Yeah, show's over. I guess we're going to have to find a house.

31:59You can't be homeless anymore.

32:01Shane Gillis:Look into some first-time home barber. Yeah, it's funny. It's crazy, man. The camp he had near his house was, right next to his house. Dude, his friend was there. Weren't they, like, welding at night? They were just barrel fires. I was passing the actual, like, multiple barrel fires. They were literally smithing. Making swords and shit. Just a foundry. Yeah, they were going nuts in there. Yeah, nuts. Driving by and seeing the silhouettes and the flames must have been terrifying. And it would be like 3 a.m. But you got a fence around your apartment complex. They can't get in. Wait, what did you say?

32:35Don't you have a gate? They respect the gate. They don't respect gates. They respect fences. They wait until the gate opens. They scurrying in and go, this island here.

32:50That was my theory. When South By was down here, they moved them all from under the bridge. They do. They do that. They do sweep them away. Over by the creek. They love that fucking bridge under there. I guess, yeah, the shade would be nice. Yeah. They always try to get you for parking. Like you park and then they stand there. It's like, I helped you get that spot. And then you're like, he's going to break into my car. Oh, yeah, they wear fake high vis. It's like they work under the bridge. They're trying. They're doing something. It is a tight hustle. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix.

33:26Matt, Shane, what was your favorite part of last football season? What are you most excited about in the upcoming season? Super Bowl. Super Bowl was very exciting. That was awesome. Notre Dame beating Penn State was also a big highlight for me. That was huge. They spanked them, didn't they? No, it was a great game. Last second. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, never mind. Georgia they spanked a little. That's what I'm thinking of. Georgia was a shocker. Dang. Please talk about your thoughts on the upcoming football season. I'm excited about it. The Philadelphia Eagles are going to be great.

33:54Shane Gillis:If they become a genuine football dynasty, it'd be probably the worst thing that ever happened to the city. Hey, Matt, do you know the Aston Jenty, Jesus Christ, running back stance? Is he going to be better than Saquon? Not going to be better, but I'm not. Do you like his stance? I like his stance a lot. He just stands straight up. Does he really? Yeah, he's pretty sick. He's a running back. He literally just stands. Like a 1920s football player? Yeah, it's crazy. That's nuts, man. It's awesome. All this football talk is getting me pumped. Thankfully, the football season is already underway on PrizePix.

34:24PrizePix is offering season-long stat picks that we can take right now before the season even starts.

34:30Shane Gillis:Nice. That's pretty cool. Yeah, man. Dude, I feel like it's pretty simple to play. Just pick more or less on athletes' stat projections. If you get your picks right, you can cash in and win up to 2 ,000 times your money. That's crazy. So just download the app today and use code Drench to get$50 in lineups after you play your first$5 lineup. That's code Drench to get$50 in lineups after you play your first$5 lineup. Prize picks. Run your game. Guys, August 16th. It's coming up. It's next week. It's huge. Yeah, it's huge. Van Andel Arena, Grand Rapids, Michigan. August 16th. It's going to be big.

35:07Shane Gillis:And then fly back to Atlantic City after that. Fly right back to Atlantic City. Ovation Hall Ocean Casino Resort I wouldn't go to that I would go to Grand Rap No that's good Ocean's gonna be nuts Ocean's will be sick And this is gonna be Before or after the race After Oh nice You get to talk About the race True That's gonna be Yeah it's gonna be a big one I didn't even think about that The whole time I run I'm gonna try to get A nice five minutes You'll get five out of that You definitely will It'll be nice It's slated to sell out It might not We'll see That'll sell out It's very close It's close It's close.

35:43Shane Gillis:That thing's going to sell out in a heartbeat. I hope it will. I think it will. Even if it doesn't, we're all going to have a good time. Guys, 8 o 'clock p.m., Atlantic City, New Jersey, August 16th. Go to – where did you say you were playing? Oh, 8 p.m., Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Yeah.

36:03It's not as good. I was going to do the Atlantic City Arena, but I was like, you know what? You know what? I'm not going to do that to my fans. Whatever. or go to everyone you want. I don't even care. August 15th, Little Caesars in Detroit, 16th Grand Rapids, 23rd, Milwaukee. Oh. Milwaukee. And then, oh, never mind, September 6th, Notre Dame Stadium. That'd be sick. That's going to be a bomb and a half. That's going to be so bad. But I'm just going to be happy to be there. That'll be tight. It'll be really uncomfortable, but.

36:35Shane Gillis:That's actually, yeah, now that you say that, that's actually amazing to perform at the stadium. You're going to wear pads? You should wear pads, bro. I'm going to be at Notre Dame this weekend. Or tomorrow. I go to Notre Dame tomorrow. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, strap the pads on. Line them up. You should wear them for your set. If you came out in pads, dude, and slowly fucking took them off. Took the pads off. Just wore football pants, sleeveless under armor. Put a locker room bench on stage and just sit on it every now and then. Guys, dude, this is what it's all about. The house that Rockne built.

37:07All right. Go see our shows. August 16th in Atlanta.

37:11Shane Gillis:Whatever you want to do. Manic City. Check it out. And one last thing. Matt's new animated short, The Papa John Paradox, is out now on his personal YouTube channel. And there will be new animated shorts every Monday on Matt's personal YouTube channel. So check those out, please. Thank you. Link is below. Now let's get back to the show. i did uh i was the valet one time but i did do something similar where i just didn't park anyone's cars and i'm like yeah i'll take that and then i just left with all the money it was like peace out this restaurant i was like peace someone hired me and then you didn't park any of the cars i had like one stick shift car and i couldn't drive stick so i was just lumping that thing around and i was like dude can you park this i gotta get another car and i had like the guy do it himself and then i started going like i should just direct traffic in here and they were He was handing me money.

38:05Shane Gillis:I was supposed to give it to some guy, but he never showed up, so I just laid her. Fuck yeah. And he called my friend. I was like, just don't tell him I talked to you. Made like 300 bucks. That's awesome. Did you ever have a job? It's tight. No. Never had a job. That's so tight. No. Yeah. I figured you'd been playing football the whole time. Yeah. Full time, 24-7. Dang. It's pretty cool. Yeah, since I was like seven. I remember those days. Yeah? Yeah. Second I quit, my dad got me a job at a fucking factory He fucking killed me Second I quit football He was like, I got a job for you You want to be a post-season, quit football?

38:41Here, here's a job And it sucked, it was worse than football Yeah, no, I wanted to quit when I was nine We started to put the pads on, I was like scared and shit Really? Yeah, then my mom was like, you quit now, you quit the rest of your life And I was like, nine years old Yeah, I got hit with that a lot I was kind of right, I kind of quit everything I've ever done Yeah, they were right

39:01Shane Gillis:yeah good for them yeah i was so the pads are the shit i just yeah i thought i for sure thought i was like the best football player in the world then i meant i went to high school and was like all right well figure something else out for the run start smoking weed actually insane

39:18yeah that shit's fucking hard man although they should have i wish i had better coaches man

39:23Shane Gillis:yeah they should have got it i wasn't fuck i wasn't the line material Yeah, you're a linebacker. You're clearly a linebacker. Yeah. I mean, was I, though? Yeah, I can see you. Even an LB? I can see you a middle linebacker. 5 '10"? Outside? Outside, probably. Matt Milano style? Yeah. You got some. Jack? You'd be a heady player. You'd be like Keekly. I couldn't do play - You'd understand that you'd get it. True. Yeah, I would. You'd figure it out. Yeah, I'd figure out the game. Honestly, I thought I would in college. Did not figure it out. I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't figure it out. I was like, I don't need to read this playbook.

39:53I'm going to fucking figure out the offense. I couldn't figure out one play. Basketball was impossible. Basketball was tough. You come down, pick here. You forget to play immediately. Run straight into another guy. I'm going to set a pick.

40:03Shane Gillis:I'm going to set a pick and hopefully that's what I'm going to do. I will get the ball in basketball and just throw it away. Give it to someone. Yo, get this thing the fuck out of here, dude. I don't need this pressure. It's the worst. It's funny you still see that in the NBA, though. I remember trying to break a press and it's like, dude, I can't dribble. Don't throw me the fucking ball. If I get trapped, we're fucked. If I get the ball Trying to break a press It's fucking Straight in the air You still see it In the NBA though Guys will bring the ball Up the court And pass it to somebody Who clearly can't dribble at all Yeah And they panic Yeah Keep the fuck away from me Yeah That shit fucking Who was that Was it Harden Towards the end With the Sixers That just Suddenly couldn't dribble I swear to god It was Harden Harden had handled The whole He still I feel like the last Like playoff He just He kind of fizzles out in the playoffs, allegedly.

40:53I don't even put that on him, but he I can't. I'll never shit on his handle. He's always good diplomatic answer for James Harden. I'm a James Harden guy. I ain't gonna shit on him. I swear to God, I remember the end of his run in Philly of him just falling down constantly the ball. It was nuts. He's an old man now, though. He's all the more. He does tumble sometimes, but who's much more than good

41:19Shane Gillis:this year in basketball? the East's ass it's gonna be probably the Thunder again is my guess the East everybody got hurt on the East Halliburton Tatum the Knicks might be the best and fuck that true the Magic huh the Magic the Magic yeah the Magic are probably gonna be good too actually he's lying on that shit I think the Sixers are gonna I don't know I think the Cavs will be good again the Cavs might be good I forget about them I didn't even see what they did last year coming in they were great and then they Yeah, yeah, yeah. Playoffs. Ass. All right. That's been our NBA talk. What else is going on?

41:55Cameron. Cameron. There you go. That's honestly my favorite. That's the meanest thing I've ever heard anyone do. What? You can explain it better. He was beefing with Cuba Gooden's brother, Omar Gooden Jr. from like baby boy fame. Yeah, yeah. So he called him like, he was trying to say something like respectful about him. He was trying to say that like not popular actors don't get enough money. and he mentioned him and he called him Omar Gooden Jr. But he's not a junior. So he got like butthurt about being called a junior. Yeah, super dumb reason to get mad and made diss tracks at Cam that aren't for real for their kind of fire.

42:29But then so Cam, instead of like doing any, like rapping with him, he got him for like a movie that doesn't exist. He booked him for a movie and had him like film a whole like scene for a movie, flew him out to Miami, paid him for it. The movie's in Spanish. the people are talking shit about Omar Gooden in Spanish like in the C's they're called him like a fat bitch they're called him like a fat bitch and a pussy ass nigga and then it's got Cam in like a room where he can see everything filmed but he's like look at this fat nigga with his titties out just saying the meanness he punked him? he punked him did he reveal the punk at the end?

43:14not to like he revealed it like yesterday. Oh, he just showed it on. Yeah, he tweeted. He tweeted. He did it like a video on Twitter where he's like, because he did another diss track like unprovoked. And he was like, see, I wasn't even going to put this out. I did that. I did this for me. I was just having fun doing this. But I think he's got him signing the paperwork where it's like, you know, it's his footage so he can do whatever with it. It's so funny. It's really funny though. He's like, nigga, you was on the dollar menu. I got you for nothing. Kim might be the funniest. Yeah. And it is Omar.

43:51I didn't know Cuba Gooding Jr. had a brother. He keeps Omar to the, he doesn't let everybody know. Like, I didn't know that was his brother for real, for real. I didn't know that either. I know exactly what you were talking about.

44:00Shane Gillis:I didn't know that was Cuba Gooding's brother. I had no idea either. He doesn't like the junior. He should associate with him more. It might help. That's a crazy reason to get butt hurt. I think he was more so. I think he was getting butt hurt over, like, lesser known actors than Junior. yeah probably but Ken was trying to say like he's a good actor he should get a little bit more of a bag but and then he turned on him and he was like well if he'd called him Cuba Gooding Junior Junior I could see him getting mad about that with the double Junior that would piss me off Junior is a high insult yeah what are you looking at Junior Junior would piss me off I'll fly to Miami and be in your movie you piece of shit it's also you can get any you can trick any actor with that like we have a we have an incredible opportunity for you for sure yeah what was that documentary they did where they got the city wendy city heat where they got that guy you ever see that oh man to a guy he's he's the man he's a very funny guy he's a crazy guy a little at the comedy store and these other guys made an entire fake movie they told him he was the star of an action movie and just filmed a movie of a guy that thinks he's in a movie.

45:08What's it called? It's called Windy City. Everyone else is in on the joke. They're fucking with him the whole time, doing like stunts, throwing him in trash cans and shit. It's incredible. And he never really got it. They show him the video at the end. They go, this was all kind of a joke and he loves it. He's just like, what? He just laughs along with it. That's... Fuck yeah.

45:27Shane Gillis:Yeah, that would... I'm trying to think. That would... I mean, what's his next move? What's Omar Gooding's next move? What's Omar Gooding Sr.'s next move? He tried to... He tried to commit violence. At this point, you have to resort to violence. Yeah, no, like, diss track and top that. He has to. He threatened to diss track, which is not going to be better than that. And he did try to play it cool and be like, I don't care. I had a free trip to Miami. Like, you gave me$3 ,500. But, like, no, that doesn't. He was trying all the tricks. It wasn't enough. Yeah. You got to walk away. That's his next move.

46:00He should have been like, I knew it. You got to leave that alone.

46:02Shane Gillis:He should have been like, I knew it the whole time. I was just fucking around. Cam also said he was like, I guess he was trying to do comedy. He was like, he said he had a show booked at an Olive Garden. He's saying the meanest shit to a podcast. Yeah, you got to leave him alone. Yeah, you got to leave Cam alone. If somebody fakes and puts you in a fake movie, you got to go, that guy won. Yeah. This guy will stop at truly nothing. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew. Oh, yeah. Fellas, let me introduce you to Blue Chew Gold. Yo. No. Well, it's not something a rich guy orders at a steakhouse.

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47:30It's a game changer.

47:32Shane Gillis:The core shorts work for pretty much anything. Gym, errands, hanging around the house, whatever. Matt, and the Stratotec tee? Insanely soft. You're going to want to wear it 24-7. Everything is comfortable but looks good at the same time. It just works. It just works. Get 20 % off your first purchase at viore.com slash MSSP and discover the versatility of Viore clothing. Exclusions apply. This is the website for full terms and condition. Dang. What's the meanest thing you've ever done to somebody, Gabriel? The meanest thing? I'm not a mean person. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not mean, bro. Yeah, you are.

48:08I told you you look good in that hat earlier. Yeah, everybody's making fun of the hat. Dude, you look good in the hat. I lash out against you when you complimented me, and I apologize. I like the hat. It goes with the front of your head. He said nice hat. I was like, shut the fuck up, dude. Yeah, he did. He went on my hat. I saw you wearing the dumbest hat I've ever seen, dude. It's a great hat, right? He was ready for battle. He is.

48:25Shane Gillis:I'm just nervous about trying a new hat. I feel you on that, though. I have two hats I can wear. If I try to put on another one, I get not even out of my bathroom, and I'm like... I literally did that. I put it on, looked in the mirror, and took it off, and I was like, Nate, do you want this? And they were like, it actually doesn't look bad on you. I was like, all right, I'll try. Maybe I'll try something different today. You ever done stand-up? Maybe it'll be different. Who knows? Did you ever do stand-up with a hat on? Yeah. I've tried it. I can't do it. I've done it accidentally because I was doing a podcast and wearing it all day.

48:58Shane Gillis:Oh, you rolled out? Yeah. That's fucking sick. I can't do it. I've tried it. I wish I could be a hat man on stage. All the greats do it. Yeah. Hat on stage is fucking power move. So we'll roll through them. I'm just trying out some new guys. What makes it different with a hat on stage though? I rely heavily on how dumb my face looks. You can't see your eyes. You can't see your face. I feel like it is reserved for goat status. You have to be like almost trying to like hide. Yeah. So I kind of pulled the trigger prematurely like seven years ago. It's nothing compared to my blazer at the open mic.

49:33Shane Gillis:The blazer? It's one of the most embarrassing. I wore jeans and a blazer and a t-shirt under it. You got to bring back the look. I thought that's how comedians dress. That's how they dress. No one dresses like that. I looked. I haven't seen it since. Sorry. It's how they dress. yeah that was tough dang you guys weren't around yet that was at the comedy zone that was in Harrisburg it was the Harrisburg comedy zone rocking a blazer off off the highway at a truck stop just bombing HBZ HBZ is nice that place is nice yeah the fucking murals are crazy I can't they can't give me a mural yeah what the fuck everyone's got a fucking Voss has a mural Shrek Shrek's up there they got well there's a thing Crocodile Dundee I can name the whole fucking mural I've stared at it so many times Dude, they got to ice somebody to give you your mural.

50:25They got Raymond the Amish comic, Earl David Reed, Liz, Kevin Hart's up there. Fuck, Chris Rock. They're just tossing random people. Oh, the Chappelle is like a racist caricature of Chappelle. That's the one I remember. I remember Chappelle.

50:40Shane Gillis:They didn't do him justice at all. They did not. Yeah, that one was rough. Yeah, what the fuck? I can't get one. They can't erase Shrek? It's just fucking paint Shrek white. That's him. That's Shane. He started it.

50:54Crocodile Dundee being up there is nuts. I mean, at that point, they're hating on you. I swear to God, they're hating on you.

51:01Shane Gillis:Dude, every club I'm at, you're on the wall. They put like serious, isn't there like non-comedy actors up there? Like Jane Fonda on there? It's like regular movies they just toss up.

51:14That is some bullshit. Yeah.

51:16Shane Gillis:Although the guy who painted that wall is definitely dead now, so they got to find it. Everyone that's from there is dead. True. They're all dead. No, they're all alive. Against all odds. Every single one of them. Heat the queef. Still going. Thought for sure he was. Really? Yeah, he almost died while we were with him. He fucking fell asleep under his trailer and froze to death. He got stuck under his trailer in a fucking blizzard. What? How did he get stuck? Heat the queef. I don't know. He's down there. He went under his trailer and froze.

51:50That's crazy. He came back and crushed. He crushed. He crushed every time. He came back with the fucking, oh, it's a Barack baby. Oh, Ron. He said Barack Obama's parents had an Asian doctor, and that's how they named him. And he goes, oh, it's a Barack baby. And he was just a beast, dude. Yeah, that's pretty awesome. Him and his partner. Remember his partner? Were you there? Yeah, Big D. The cops came. Big D. The squad we put together in Central PA was fucking crazy. Crazy. It was homeless people. At a truck stop. We're like, this is a real comedy. I'll show you real comedy. It's just like you're following a guy, an homeless guy who's killing.

52:36Oh, fuck.

52:37Shane Gillis:You got to bust out the blazer. I might have to bust out the blazer. It's time. Yeah. It's time to do the blazer. Blazer with a V-neck t-shirt. God damn, dude. That would suck so bad. Yeah, it was a black V-neck. that's nuts it's not it's gotta be the third smash it has to be you gotta be nuts dude when you're starting stand-up you literally have to be an insane person that's true to just go i'm gonna go to this i don't even know one person here i'm just gonna get on stage did you go and scout one night and then i scouted ahead for like a year for a full year i was going to the comedy zone by myself watching people bomb and i was just like i'm better than them i know it no i got up there and couldn't talk yeah just couldn't speak got in my car and i was like because i was like i don't need to write i'm just funny i got on stage

53:27just fucking left i was like next time i'm gonna write like two years later i went back

53:32Shane Gillis:yeah i feel like my first time doing stand-up i wasn't even supposed to go on but they like called my name and i just like killed just killed i'm just doing steve harvey shit steve harvey's like i went out there and i killed for an hour and they said you're gonna come back Yeah. I never – Guard Dog, when was your first show? When did you get up there? I tried it once when I was 20 in like a coffee shop on Temple's campus. That's a tough one. It was tough, but it was very fun, and I have a nice memory because Chris Markell was there. Nice. He was hilarious. He was so funny. He had a Sunny D bottle filled with water, and he pretended that it was his penis, and he was squirting it at everybody drinking coffee at the coffee shop.

54:08Yeah, he was not afraid to use props. It was awesome. He was very funny with those props.

54:12Shane Gillis:It was also funny when he disappeared for a year and he came back. I was like, what happened? He goes, I got chased by the cops on a dirt bike and got arrested. He also made props, other people's props, go into his bag at the end of the night. He was not afraid to find some extra props lying around like iPhones. Whose phone did he grab? I think Mecky. He got Mecky's phone. He got the Meckster. Beast. The funniest kid to get. So funny. Yeah, he was the man. Yeah. Oh, man. I miss those Harrisburg Comedy Zone days. Yeah, it is fun. Especially the first couple years, once you're like, I'm about to get 40 bucks to do 10 minutes at a winery.

54:53Shane Gillis:It's going to be sick. Winery shows were awesome. Yeah, they're sick. Yeah, especially when you start doing good in the open mic scene, and you're like, I'm the fucking coolest guy that's ever lived. I know. On Thursday night, I get to go to one place where I'm actually cool. You get to be mean to all the new people. You fucking suck, dude. Or if somebody's good, you're like, he's a fucking bitch. Yeah, that guy's a bitch. I don't even like him. He sucks, dude. He's stealing everything right there. That's a Daniel Toss joke, just so you know. Everyone's stand-up is pretty good. It's a real cauldron of hatred.

55:26I'd go up there and do it for$40. That's a good night. Dude, you'd be stoked to take that at all. Yeah,$40 is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. I think you saw me do that last night. No. No. Yeah, I think that was$40 or$50. Where'd you cop$40 from? probably the mothership what's that I just at the LB the big boy big boy oh really

55:48Shane Gillis:yo pump it up bro nice yeah it's it's generous yeah that's way more than$40 oh yeah it's Rogan does that every other like the yeah true the seller the seller's like on a weeknight probably 50 yeah Rogan's does break the bread it's like the process in like in the comedy world to get like to the top like I don't you just keep backstab backstab everyone backstab start a podcast get fired from sml it's the only way yeah that's what i tell every any every time like a host has asked me like yo for like i started podcast like how do how do i get traction i'm like dude here's what you gotta do i was like do it for like five years and then pray to god your co-host becomes really famous and they're like you just find someone you think is funny and just go dude i hope you make it so bad watch the light just drain out of their eyes they're like yeah that's it that's all you know you gotta yeah you just get lucky you keep doing it yeah but yeah at first you gotta be yeah i me personally i had to be like depressed and shameless because when did you start it's really embarrassing when did you start 20 i was 21 22 yeah it's 21 yeah same thing yeah around 22 yeah when i start popping off around like your 30s no the whole time it's fun though I'm saying pop off like I'd say 31 30 but the whole time there's a little thing you get to host this weekend and you're like holy shit I'm getting 25 bucks and then you get to tell everybody around like yeah I get paid technically I'm a professional it's just little things all the time and then you're like I'm going to be a feature someday and you get to do that The first time you have to drive anywhere, you're like, I'm on the fucking road.

57:34Shane Gillis:Road trip. I blew it, dude. Earl David Reed took me to Pittsburgh, to Mars, Pennsylvania. And I was like, bro, we did it. I was watching like Entourage. I was with my boys. I was like, yo, you guys are coming with me on the road. I got a hotel room in Mars, Pennsylvania. Got out there. Four Locos had just come out. Got fucking literally blacked out before the show. Crashed a wedding that was at the hotel. they hated us they tried to fight us yeah then they saw my face on the flyer and they're like this fucking guy's at the hotel he's he's in this bar he's doing stand up a bridal party showed up it was like you motherfucking piece of shit and i was wearing a suit that i wore to i was wearing a suit again i'm a fucking suit comic dude no i was wearing a suit that we got we all got suits from salvation army so we could crash the wedding oh my god so i was still in his i was in an unbuttoned covered in red stains from four locos just dying literally bombing as hard as you can bomb dude because they were like the host didn't show up can you feature i was like yeah for sure can you do 25 i was like no fucking problem i bombed so bad that the guy who ran the club was like what do you do i was like i go to college and he was like what are you studying i was like history oh i could be a teacher he was like yeah you should do that he's like don't do stand up It's not for you.

58:56Just become a history teacher. You know who that guy is now? I know the club's gone, and he's probably dead. He's dead. He probably died knowing I should have been a history teacher. He didn't know it was going to work. Yeah, that was kind of fucked up. Yeah, that was really mean. But I get it. There's so many fucking young comics, and we see them, and they're, dude, this is my first show, showing up drunk in a fucking suit.

59:22Shane Gillis:He should have known. and if he knew anything about comedy like dude this guy's the man guy fucking rules all those like more a lot of the places you got paid initially were like very old crowds and they were run by the most serious dickheads ever and they were so mean they really would be like lording over you yeah and hand you with an envelope of like 40 bucks at the end of the night and be like yo don't ever make fun of the host ever again if you want to work in this town and you're like dude yeah they hit you they tell you how to do it like i did uh uncle vinny's yeah and that guy got on my ass i don't even know if it was the main manager but somebody there was like four people in the club it was literally four old people eating just at an italian restaurant and i was lying i was like this is new material i'm just messing around because i was bombing i was bombing so badly that i was like this i'm just trying out stuff it was my best stuff and then i get he's like come outside and talk to me i was like all right and he was like don't ever use this as a workout room this is a club okay there's four fucking people eating spaghetti the fuck yeah the best is when i got i used to do the comedy do you ever do the comedy cabaret yeah it was raw it stunk pretty bad where was it it was all over it'd be like there's a bunch of restaurants hotels and i remember right i did a night and i finally i was like all right i feel like i did okay the guy's like here's your pay good job and i like something told me like open it in front of him i opened the envelope just completely empty and i was like yo bro where's my fucking money and he was like i forgot what the hell it's empty dude fall out of here it's a sealed envelope i was like you motherfucker this is great what the hell that's good shit yeah you got to be kind of a scumbag to be running and those shows were not like lucrative you're doing like it's crazy there was the one guy he used to i forget his name he would book all these shows almost near like the Poconos.

1:01:13Yeah.

1:01:14Shane Gillis:And like he just, he didn't have a phone. He would book comedy shows. You have to like call his girlfriend and be like, yo, I forget his name. Is he there? And then she'd be like, hold on a second. He'd just be whacked out on perks. Like, yo, dude, your fucking shit's killer, bro. You're looking across. Never. Actually, I guess those guys did probably make some money. Some of those, you get like 200 people. You can make, yeah, you make a guy. Like 10 bucks. And you pay the fucking comics. You make a nice 800. You're just kind of, yeah, Yeah, there was really, there's a level of it that's completely run by the meanest, oldest, fattest Italians.

1:01:44Shane Gillis:The meanest, old fucking wops. And then literally schizophrenic, depressed kids. It's a crazy industry. Yeah, but you get little things the whole time that make it. Yeah, of course. The coal hole, that was a big one for me. That was the best, bro. It was like the first time I ever headlined. We drove up to the coal region in Pennsylvania, did like an empty church. it was it was byob dude we got fucking hammered in there with them it was nice i remember there was a puddle outside of it that was huge and i jumped the puddle and i was like fuck yeah that's all i remember that was fun though that was that might have been one of the funniest things i've ever seen yeah that was a good one just going off the cuff of uh for the coal people yeah the coal people love it i was talking about like jewish golems yeah i remember that I was like, I'm a Jewish column.

1:02:32If you put a note in my mouth, I'll fight you. They'll tell me what to do. The coal miners were like, ah. Yeah, they loved it. Oh, yeah. Coal miners? Yeah. Great town. I think that was Jim Thorpe. He was up there. Yeah. Great town. Shit fucking ruled. Yeah, we need factories back.

1:02:49Shane Gillis:Dude. We do. We need something. We really do need to start, like, because offices are fucking lame, man. Yeah. That's the new factory. Like, everyone's crammed into this office. we do we got to figure out what to do with people who are bros yeah the factories yeah just like people need to be thrown somewhere every day and just fucking whistles and stuff it's a good life yeah you get paid you go you're gonna fucking that's the problem is the standard yeah giving someone enough money to live because i feel like now it's just like you give them enough to get access to debt yeah and it's like yeah dude you can get a house but you're going to be in debt till you die and then you know wipe it yeah we can't just all play games all the time Some of us have to work.

1:03:28Shane Gillis:Yeah, dude. Bro, today was a nut day. That's a good work. Today was a nut day. That's how you work. We got in the pool together. We're clocking in right now. Yeah, we all hung out. We watched him play. It was a good day. But yeah, you work. He saw a day in the life, dude. He saw World War II games. I was like, there's no way he does this every day. Lay in the pool for a while. Playing video games, laying in the pool. Yeah. It was a good day. It was a good day. It was a good day. It was a good day. He's a mental worker, dude. You never. The whole time I'm playing the game, I'm going, oh, that's a good bit.

1:03:55Got another one. I'm not thinking. I haven't thought once. I haven't thought once today.

1:04:03Shane Gillis:Yeah, I wish someone would blow the whistle and stop me from thinking. That'd be nice. That's what, yeah. Yeah, true. That's all it is. That's what sports are. That's why I like sprinting. When you sprint, you just stop sprinting, and I like being underwater. Being underwater helps. Being underwater, dude. You stop thinking completely. Yeah. Just lay underwater. Everything gets quiet. You go down there. Dude, I give it to my kids all the time. I'll be in the pool with them. I go, disappear. 30 seconds, pop up. I'm like, yo, that was awesome. The pool was ruined today. There were some wasps. The wasps were getting us.

1:04:31Killing the vibe. They harshed it.

1:04:33Shane Gillis:Yeah, they were killing the vibe. What kind of wasps are you working with? There was little tiny guys that they always drink out of my pool. They're okay. All right, they're skimming. Yeah. Then there was a monster. What color was it? It was black. Black and orange. It might be a mud dalver. They're not really aggressive. They look scary. Then a big fucker, the biggest fucker I've ever seen showed up. Yikes. And I don't think it was a wasp, but it was... I don't know what that thing was. The thing was a horny? It was like a locust. Nah, nah. It was like a... It was a football. It was... Yeah, it was huge.

1:04:59Shane Gillis:That's kind of fucked up. Yeah, they were... I have those muddolvers in my house, and I looked them up. They're not real... They're like the black wasp with like the super detached body. And they're not aggressive. Yeah, it was that one. They're not aggressive at all. Yeah, it was that guy. He seemed aggressive. He was fucking getting in everyone's face. No, yeah, maybe so. They're just... Oh, he's this big. They're huge. Okay. Is he a hornet or is it a dog? No, I wasn't a hornet. Skinny boy? Yeah. He had a long, skinny thorax. Yeah, they'd attach thorax. You're right. And usually they only attack if you fuck with their nests.

1:05:27Shane Gillis:We have them in my attic. Yeah, you got to just let them live. And they get lost and they end up in my house every now and again. You just open the door and they fly right out. They're dumbasses, dude. Yeah, fuck them. Yeah, they like... What do they do? Oh, they like eat bugs and then feed them to their babies in their little nest. So they're good for pest control. They were in a good time. I can't believe the muddolvers were getting in your face. Yeah, they were on us. Dude, I had dreams last night. I had two ferrets. I woke up salty. That wasn't the case. Fuck. They were so sick. I had a mom and a baby ferret.

1:06:01Shane Gillis:And I, all night, just played with ferrets in my dreams and woke up. And I even showed my daughter. I was like, you ever see a ferret before? To see if I can start getting one. See if you get a ferret. She's into them. Dude, they are the sick. Ferrets rule. That's what you should get is a ferret. You think, yeah, I could get like six or seven ferrets in this house. And what you do is, you know like the tubing that hooks up to like your dryer vent? Yeah. You just like put that shit all around your house and they just go nuts in your house the whole time. How are you talking? Bro, I'm telling you.

1:06:26Five tubes lining this fucking ceiling. Yeah, a little skywalk. About 10 to 15 ferrets. Yeah. Just going crazy the whole time. Can't sleep at night. There's ferrets running, sprinting through my room.

1:06:38Shane Gillis:They would chill. You could lock them down. Chill. You could lock them down. They'd get on my schedule. They would. They'd be so stoked. Just chilling on the couch, watching fucking Hold Fast. Bro, I'm telling you, watch some ferret videos. I lived one. I lived one for a night last night. It was fucking awesome. That is awesome. I don't know. Yeah, I was like, I don't know where it came from. I haven't been thinking about ferrets. You know the difference between a ferret and a weasel? What's that? Weasel's wild. Same animal. You're crazy. I swear to God. I never knew that. Yeah, weasels is a wild ferret.

1:07:06Ferret's just a domesticated weasel? Mm-hmm. Or is it just in the weasel family? Isn't that a family?

1:07:11Shane Gillis:I think they're the same fucking thing. I looked it up today. I believe you. I didn't know if I wanted a ferret or a weasel. When I looked it up, I was like, no, that was a ferret. Isn't it a weasel family? Is that all those fucking things? I'm not sure. I guess that's what I saw. What's a fink? Isn't that a fink? Is it mink? Yeah, a fucking idiot. Mink coat. Mink coat, yeah. Mink coat. What is it? I regret to inform you that they are related, but they are not the same animal. Well, that's the same fucking thing. I'm sorry. No, you're right. This AI summary fucked me. It's not my fault. Yeah, it's not true.

1:07:44Shane Gillis:That's AI bullshit. Sorry. What's the difference? It is pretty much the same, but they said it's like a domesticated cousin, so they're slightly different. Oh, I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. Yeah, they're not the exact same species. Can you really put them up next to each other? Because I feel like they look exactly the same. Ferrets have to be wild animals. You are right, though. It doesn't count now. You just told me I was fucking dumb as hell. But I'm taking a look at some pictures of ferrets, and you're not wrong, Matt. Cutie pies. Be nice to have these guys running around.

1:08:14Shane Gillis:That's what I'm saying. Wouldn't you like that, Gabriel? You can put him on a leash, too. You don't want that fucking guy in yet? Yeah, that's fucking good. Look at that guy. That's a young ferret. Dude, they just chill with you. You don't want that guy around. Killing shit. It's like a good time. Yeah, they're mischievous, though. They are mischievous. That makes me think of the gerbil video. The body cam. The gerbil video you showed us today. He's got gerbils in his pants. What was that? This guy broke into a fucking pet shop. They found him on a bench asleep. They, like, rip him off the bench.

1:08:42they have to cut his pants open and they're like there's fucking gerbils he's got gerbils in his pants he passed out with gerbils what did they do with the gerbs they catch him or let him go yeah they were all holding him i don't know we didn't get that far but there's just animals there's puppies outside there's parrots and shit on the sidewalk he broke he threw a rock through the window and got in there and freed all the animals and fell asleep he referred to himself as mr pancakes so it really is getting ripped off the bench it was rewarding the what he was watching him watch cops ripping a homeless guy off a bench that just broke into a pet shop pretty great I think he was on a bench like right next to it

1:09:22Shane Gillis:and I guess that guy just goes to a crazy house I don't even think they have crazy houses anymore you gotta just let them out on the street whose idea was that liberals fucking liberal liberal liberals turns out having mental hospitals might have been a good idea yeah the problem is insane asylums in like the 90s they still like kick their ass that's a problem you're nuts we gotta lock him up dude he's a sicko he's just he's a real sicko when you get to know him for real i just keep thinking of last night that's why it was a fun time it was Chill sesh? Yeah, good chill sesh. Nice. Yeah, it was good.

1:10:07We had a killer sesh. Chill.

1:10:08Shane Gillis:Wow, wow. Wait. All right, we're back on the record. Back on the record. Chill sesh. We could probably wrap it up. Yeah, we're at an hour. Yeah, this is a good chill sesh today. Cool. Yeah. No one really got less uncomfortable the entire show. No, I thought we were for sure. I thought we were going to break through. Hey, man, sometimes you don't. When you're staring out to these, there's fucking 10 guys in here. everyone's just looking at you i know i didn't like looking over there i had to keep like looking this way everyone's just quietly i keep looking this way look at the interrogation there yeah well good stuff matt i wish you the best in the race you're gonna fucking torch him i dude i think i'll do my best so i can do and if it turns out you're lying about this hat and i find out that people are making fun of me for wearing this my fault that is definitely your fault dude i would never worn it i think it's a good it's going to the bees no matter what but you broke my heart today obviously it's a bees head i was giving you a compliment i thought about how much the bees would love to have simple simple and plain simple as all right gabriel do you have anything to tell us no i appreciate y 'all having me on yeah it's a long time coming it's good yeah

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