Ep 577 - Bags On You (feat. Adam Eget)

17:42And I was doing that thing where I'm like, I'm not even that fucked up. Look at Matt. Look at Matt, dude. That's crazy. I was the highest I've ever been in my life. Every two seconds, I'm like, did it kick in for you? I would look back and you'd be like. Yes. Yeah, I was just, I was like this. Eventually, I was like, yo, play Wonderwall. I'm going to hurry this shit up, dude. I got to go home. For adults with Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis symptoms, every choice matters. Tremphaya offers self-injection or intravenous infusion from the start. Tremphaya is administered as injections under the skin or infusions through a vein every four weeks, followed by injections under the skin every four or eight weeks.

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19:07Shane Gillis:The music was my favorite part. Yeah, it was awesome. I got in there and when it started kicking in on me, I just noticed I was doing that same stuff where I'd be like, I don't know, man, who the fuck designed this artwork on the back? This shit's weird. and everything I'd see, I'd be like, that's weird, this sucks. Why is this guy doing that? I'd be like, damn, these guys are kind of old. And then all of a sudden I was like, I'm not going to make it unless I shut down this negative thinking. And I don't know what happened. I flipped the switch, and I just was no negative thinking the entire time.

19:34Shane Gillis:It was so nice. Oh, you saved our ass. Oh, exactly. Again. I got the access to my brain, and I was like, all right. Every three songs, this fucking hero, this legend walks up there and gets us a big case of bottled water. He caught me. That's the man. I went up to try to go to the bathroom and had to take a thousand photos. And then Matt came behind me with a case of a whole case of water. And he was like, I got water. I was like, oh, my God, you're an angel. You're a complete angel. He sent an email to himself at one point. Yeah. That was awesome. Oh, that was so funny. Matt's like, dude, check out this email.

20:07I was like, he was literally in the middle of Wonderwall. They were like, ladies and gentlemen, Wonderwall. Matt was like, look at this email. I was like, dude, please stop. I sent it to myself. sent an email to himself about like we are all vibrations your flower is beautiful you showed me your phone and i was like i can't it was just squiggly i was like oh shit

20:30Shane Gillis:i didn't think i was that high dude i when i first broke off for a water mission it was like there was a uh on the i guess like the ground level there was like a little water stand the line was so long and i was in line and i couldn't stop laughing about how much it sucks to stand in line there's a part of you that believes you're so important then you stand in line it's just like a knife just hitting that part for the whole time then this guy next to me was like I don't know if he's like a Mexican guy or what but he was just like you know I heard that we can go up the steps and get water and I was like nice move that's how we found it he seemed like he was like Mexican but very American but then he stopped but then he was just like I'm trying to score some fucking coke man and I was like oh cool dude let's go get some water and we'll talk about that And that's when I discovered you, just get people like, hey, Jay, hey, Jay.

21:17Yeah, that was actually, that helped me, though, with the line. They were like, go, go, go. Yeah, that's nice. And I was like, thank you. I'm on acid. Thank you. Hi, I'm on acid. I'm on acid. I told everyone for three straight days. I'm on acid. Hi, I'm on acid. It didn't kick in for me until literally the fireworks. The fireworks was where I realized how severe it was. Yeah.

21:39Shane Gillis:Yeah, I didn't know. once the fireworks I was like okay this is intense and then the music stopped and I went oh okay well now what's my brain gonna do and it was and that's when uh cage the elephant saved us yeah true literally like in here hurry so cage the elephant opened for him and we were hanging out with them a little which they were very nice like yeah when he he like jumped on me and I was like I'm on acid this is like kind of the first time I've ever taken acid he was like I got you man don't worry I was like I don't know how much you're helping me he's like whoa check out that shit right yeah it's pretty i didn't even notice that yeah i didn't i didn't care for the purposeful like heaviness of conversation they kept doing which i i would be like i know what you guys are doing oh yeah it was you can bringing up like rape and shit somebody did what somebody in the room yeah there was like it was like and i think they were doing it to like purposely fuck with us i don't know it was just they were being really nice they were everybody else was being super nice saved us they're being tricksters dude i had to walk out in that crowd that would have been i couldn't even my legs were like yeah vibrating yes no homo i was just sounds gay i just was sweating so profusely oh right i went through so many napkins and i just that was the best you were dying we're sitting in their greenery they bring us kj 11 saves us They just go, here, don't run straight back to the locker.

23:03They're the best. Right behind the stage. So then we're sitting there, and they're all being very nice. And you were cracking me up with just trying to be in control. Like, this is it? This is as high as we're going to get? Everything's down from here. I was like, Matt, we're going to be high for a day. This is just starting.

23:18Shane Gillis:We're so fucked. I thought for sure it was about to wear off. This kept getting worse. And I was like, no, no. It was like two hours ago. Just started. You're like, that's fine. This is as high as we're going to get. I thought it was 150 degrees. My feet felt like they were like fish tanks. I was wearing glasses. They were fogged up. It was so hot. There was like food there. Egot's trying to have conversation too. Oh, that's what you're saying. They're like, man, Chicago's great. You're like, Chicago, what a great city. And I look over and he's got a pile of paper towels because he's sweating.

23:49He's just going, oh, yeah, Chicago, what a fucking town. Man, is this Chicago? Hell of a town. Hell of a town. I love it.

23:57Shane Gillis:There really were. like not exaggerating, maybe like 20 paper towels. It was disgusting. Yeah, it was disgusting. It was so funny. I really tried for a second to hide them, but everyone was like, dude! Were they in your pocket? Were they in your pocket? Just on the table next to the couch. It was like a box of food there and a stack of napkins. And I used literally all of them. Sweat napkins. Oh, there were so many, dude. But there was, all of his, all the KG Elephant bros were like old Kentucky guys. Yeah, they were nice. They were old musicians. So when we were like, we're on acid, this is kind of our, this is my first time getting this high.

24:27and they were like, oh, you're going to have a good night. They were like real. Oh, yeah, and that one dude was fucking awesome. He's like, what do you got? I was like, I got one left. He's like, okay, yeah, it's going to be about seven hours. He told you exactly what you were going to experience, and he was right. I think it was more than seven. I think it was about 12. It was more like the entire day leading into the next day a little bit. He said 12, and I remember sitting there being like, oh, no. Then we escaped the stadium on the way out. They brought in the cleaning crew. Oh, my God. How funny was that?

24:58That was crazy. It was like a parade. It was just all the people that come in to clean. So it looked like just 40 to 50 Mexicans.

25:08Shane Gillis:It was a small door with a very narrow stairway where they came from an opening above down a little tiny stairway. And it's like, you know, you see a cleaning crew, maybe 12 people. It just kept going and going and going. And we just had to wait there. And then one of them was like, shank. It was like, yo, yo. dude it was 40 it was literally like 45 mexicans and then a black guy in the very end of the procession went goddamn shane gill is that you and it was just like i was like oh no i think he used i think he used the n-word which was very exciting which was awesome which was very funny we died laughing and then i was like we should have used that opportunity to go up the stairs and then they immediately turned around and went and we had to wait for the 40 people It was crazy.

25:50Back up the stairs.

25:52Shane Gillis:Yeah, they were shuffling those boys. It was like a military procession. They just were showing us, and they were like, all right. Yeah, it was a show of force. It was a show of force. They were like back up, and they just went straight back up. Billy was leading the way out. But one of my favorite moments of the night is we get outside of the stadium, and Matt's like, God damn, I'm telling you, that fucking caffeine. That coffee. That coffee. I shouldn't have had that caffeine. It got me all jittery. Matt, I just watched you party harder than anyone I've ever seen chugging tequila, smoking I was like, it's the acid you took it wasn't the cup of joe it was the second cup it was espresso martini and a cup of joe yeah, I know, dude, it was the fucking acid and tequila and the weed that was the only thing held to me dude, I think those oysters were off oh yeah, Matt's died that day was oysters espresso martini, tequila weed and then acid.

26:48And he was like, fucking coffee. I'm telling you, coffee just... He's like, stop. Caffeine's not good.

26:56Shane Gillis:I'm telling you, man. It was... I knew you were going to double down and be like, I'm telling you, it was the caffeine. I'm telling you, it was the acid. I try not to touch the stuff anymore. And we went... And Billy leads us to the middle of nowhere. To get to the Uber location. Oh, we walked for a while. I never ended up for shit. Until we get under the tree. I tried to take a picture of a spider, and it's just a complete blur. I'm like, oh, cool. That literally was the coolest spider web I've ever seen in my life. That was awesome. Remember there was a whole gang of people under the trees? Oh, yeah.

27:32Yeah, we kept walking. That was pretty weird. It was just an encampment of people. Yeah.

27:37Shane Gillis:And we got into like a crossover sedan. Then we just got into a regular guy's car. Yeah, we got a random car. It wasn't even an Uber. It was just a guy. He said he was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was huge. It felt like a clown car. I don't know how we all fit in that car, but I'm in the very back with you. Yeah, it was fucked up. I couldn't see shit, and it felt like he was going 200 miles an hour. It was like a station wagon with a third row that you can barely fit. That car was tight. I sat shotgun and had the nicest. Sat shotty with a man. I just saw the skyline of Chicago, and it was all moving.

28:05Yeah, all in the town. It looked like the lights were all flickering. I was like, this is the best moment of my life. It's a great town. It's a great town. It's a great town. it's a great time to have a cup of joe and relax it's really fucking great

28:19Shane Gillis:just have a nice cup of joe in chicago and relax cup of joe got you fucked up I don't know what they're putting in the bean in chicago god damn I still hold it I was like LSD not a problem it's caffeine man that's what was cracking me literally when you said it I had a montage of what I saw you doing

28:45Shane Gillis:It was one of those joints That has like an eighth of weed It was enormous I thought it was a blunt It was huge Remember the ones LaMère The ones I gave you from Detroit That are just like They're bats Yeah Absolutely They're for real doinks It was so good Big doinks in Chicago Oasis 2025 It was so fun But then we go back to the hotel We're in my room We're just staring at one painting free beer I mean I have a photo of it somewhere but it looked like it should have been hanging in the loo like it was fucking gorgeous the dimensions and depth in it were crazy it was stunning and then remember there was one I thought it was a swan and then Billy's like you fucking retard that's a rose she's holding a rose it looks like a swan it looked like a swan thank god for Billy maybe I can send it to you after I'm going to see if I can find the painting.

29:39Shane Gillis:Free beer painting. This is, nope, all right, yep, nope, we're not getting this. That might be just one of a kind. That was probably an original. Yeah, I believe so. But I did wake up the next day and realized it was a dull sack of shit painting. It literally looked like it was from Marshalls. Like, I guarantee you that's where they got it. I think it seared into my brain because Adam showed me like several days later on his phone. I was like, God, that's such a nice painting. Yeah, it was epic. it was fucking epic chicago what a town towards the end i knew it the writing was on the wall i was like these guys are ready to go to bed i was keeping the chat alive as long as you're trying to keep the chat alive because i'm telling dude i'm telling you when i have too much caffeine when it wears off the fucking i just get like horrible knots in my chest and i could feel it coming for me and i was like me alone in this room while i'm kind of tripping oh i know kind Kinda tripping.

30:30True. We were tripping. Oh, nice. There's free beer, dude. God, that painting's fucking awesome. It's so cute. I still like it. It's so cute. I still like it. It does look like a swan, though. Yeah, of course. It does look like a swan. Right? Yeah. Wearing like a white dress. Yeah. We'll show it. We'll get it up there. What are you doing there, Meezy? I just work on a meeting.

30:52Shane Gillis:Okay. I got back to my room. It was just like, just pack your clothes. Just normal stuff, dude. Just do normal stuff. packing they started packing my clothes i'm like this is taking a long time and i would stop and be like what are you so what are you freaking out about dude i'd be like nothing dude don't worry about it i like that your internal monologue is an actual conversation with yourself oh big time it's pretty crazy it's kind of nice it was just kind of like dude we got this everything's cool and i'd be like hey why wouldn't it be cool dude shut the fuck up dude wait wasn't that didn't you have internal monologue at the mirror or something dude i i was like i'm putting my stuff away and i'm like this is fucked up dude you're overthinking this chill relax and And I went to go to the bathroom and just caught my reflection.

31:30Shane Gillis:I was like, it's all been leading to this. And I just stared at myself. And the whole time, there was like this, it was hard to explain. It was like a flash of just like, it wasn't even really insight. It was just like, dude, I'm going to look myself in the eye. I'm going to show up for myself. I'm going to be present in my own body. And I was just like, you got this, dude. I'm finally here. And my first thought was like, shut the fuck up. And I was like, god damn it. Fuck. I was in a fun house, dude. I went back to my room. I'm putting those mirrors like a plate, dude. If I saw a mirror, I was like, oh, no, no, no.

32:00No, I got caught in it, dude.

32:02Shane Gillis:I got fully caught in it. And that was a rugged one. And I just laid in bed with just like, it felt like my insides were completely constricted. I held off as long as I could. Finally, I was like, hey, Shane, how are you making out, dude? I'm fucking not doing so hot. I just fell asleep. I didn't want to go to bed. I'm so sorry. I was like, dude, I really, I don't care. Nothing matters. I was having such a nice time. I just went and started my own shitty painting in my hotel room for about two hours, and then I couldn't sleep, and I just did some mock drafts. See, I tried to go to bed. That was my problem.

32:36Shane Gillis:I tried to go to bed, and it was just like the feeling in my chest was just horrific, just like super tense. And then there was like I was listening to YouTubes to calm myself down, so it was like meditation YouTubes, all this stuff, relaxation. I'm playing. I'm just laying there. Nothing's working. and eventually they were like, whatever feeling you have, give it a shape. I was like, give it a color. I'm like, red. It's like, give it a shape. I close my eyes and it's just like this amorphous shiny blob going in. It's a Twix box. The shape completely turned on me. It was just like, I was like, fuck, this isn't working.

33:12Shane Gillis:It was fun. Oh, my God. We laughed so fucking hard in that hotel room. You need to tell the drives down. It was so fucking hard. You need to tell the drives down. I don't care how long it takes to set up I love this story Fellas, get off your phones and pay attention I can't recall I feel like Norm told it somewhere but we went to go see back in like 2007 maybe we went and saw legendary baseball player, commentator and actor Bob Uecker By the way is in the Miller Lite commercial. He's in the Miller Lite commercial with Norm. We're on it. That's where they met. No, I mean, there's a new one. Oh, yeah.

33:55He was doing it for years. So the next day, we're talking about fucking the bags on you. Yeah. And I'm in a sports bar, and Uker comes on TV. I'm like, dude, that's fucking awesome. That's the fucking guy. What are the odds? Yeah, Uker, he was on a famous sitcom in the 80s, Mr. Belvedere, and he was in Major League. And so that's Bob Uker. He's a fucking, he's literally the funniest man I've ever met in my life. So Norm and I went to go visit him when I was living in Arizona, and he was doing the improv, and we went down to see a spring training game. And Euchre, for many years, has been calling the Brewers games.

34:27He's from Milwaukee. And he told us the funniest story I've ever heard in my fucking life. And he was saying that back in, I think it was— Wait, tell him the Carson story, too. Oh, the Carson story? Yeah, yeah. So there was a brief time where Euchre did stand-up, and he did the Johnny Carson show back in the 70s. and euchre uh he had like his five minute set he kept running it and then he went uh to go do it on carson and he was walking backstage before he was supposed to go up and he's like yeah man i'm fucking and he cursed like a sailor and he has a thick accent he's like uh yeah man i fucking uh went to go do carson back in whatever year was 76 or something and uh the uh the the band leader for carson back in the day was doc severinson and uh he's like i walked by and uh fucking doc Doc Severinsen's, his dressing room door's open, and he's sitting in there with this fucking mountain of white shit on the table.

35:19And he's like, hey, Euchre, come in here and fucking do some of this shit. I didn't even know what the fuck it was. I said, I don't give a fuck. I'll do it. So I go in there, and it turns out it was obviously cocaine. I didn't fucking know. And then so I'm doing my fucking seventh line, I think, at this point. And the fucking showrunner for Carson, he says, hey, Euchre, you're on. so I fucking go out there and I do five minutes of material in about 30 seconds and they give me the sign to fucking stretch I didn't know what the fuck I was doing just seeing a pile of code go fuck it I'll do it I gotta do national television so fuck it I'll do it so the best story he told us in my I've ever heard was he's like yeah man I used to play for the fucking brewers and we used to pull bags on each other all the time back in the day on other guys from other ball clubs.

36:13And by the way, a bag is a prank. He called them bags. The bag. It's the funniest thing. The bag's so funny. That'll be in the language now. This is going to be in the vernacular forever. Absolutely. So he's like, one day we decide, oh, this weekend we got the fucking Dodgers coming to Milwaukee. And we said, oh, this is a perfect opportunity to pull a fucking bag on old Don Drysdale. So fucking Don Drysdale, he had a fucking whore in every city, but his fucking primo whore was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. So we decide, oh, perfect opportunity for a fucking bag on Drysdale. So we decide he didn't know.

36:52Little did Don Drysdale know. I'm friends with the fucking chief of police in Milwaukee. So he's in this fucking hotel room with his primo whore, and we paid that fucking bitch off and pretend like she died and had the fucking chief of police and some of his cops come bang down his fucking hotel room in the fucking middle of the night, and he thinks he killed this fucking bitch. And so they'd cuff him naked. It was the fucking day he was born, and he's crying in the fucking hallway, thinks his life's over, and I walk by. I say, hey, Drysdale, the bag's on you. Any minute. Anyway, so 20 minutes later, I'm down in the fucking lobby having a drink, and Drysdale comes down.

37:36The fucker's still mad. I said, relax. It's a fucking bag.

37:45Drysdale, the bag's on you. Relax, it's a bag. The fucker's still pissed. So Norm and I used to always do this bit where we would talk about how it would be great to do a sitcom like Candid Camera called The Bags On You with Bob Euchre where he just pulls these terrible, awful fucking friends. Your wife and your kids are dead. The bag's on you. But it's all because he was on Mr. Belvedere. The bag's on you. Because he was on Mr. Belvedere for some reason. We just kept using these old obscure actors from sitcoms in the 80s. They're like, hey, this week on The Bag's On You, we pull a fucking bag on Principal Belding.

38:25Like, we got evidence that you raped a fucking 14-year-old. But the bag's on you. the bags on you now that's all allegedly we don't know if uh drysdale had a whore in every city no it's all a story it's all a funny made-up story it was just a bag and then drysdale pulled the bag he thought it was the well i don't know yeah this is this is the most intense bags i've ever heard keeps going allegedly uh the the drysdale thought that he's like fucking drysdale didn't realize i was the one that fucking pulled the bag it was my idea but he thought it was the third baseman uh and so we didn't know that uh drysdale's buddies with these fucking goombas these fucking italian goombas yeah he calls them a couple for the wops a couple of these fuckers and uh and uh we're going down and we're gonna go play in in los angeles and he gets a couple of these fuckers to go take the third baseman out in a fucking limousine by gunpoint they drive him out into the fucking middle of the desert and they hand him a shovel and they say hey start digging and this guy's fucking crying digging what he thinks is going to be his own grave and we go hey now the bag's on you it's just just for just the most evil pranks those are serious bags just some baseball players so funny 70s baseball bags probably 60s yeah probably maybe

39:54Shane Gillis:even yeah it's probably 60s jesus christ 60s relax i looked up after that oh yes it's very funny to see a picture of Drysdale. He looks like a Don Drysdale. I didn't realize Don Drysdale was like a... He was a man. Yeah, he was nasty. He's an all-American. Drysdale. Oh, no. Think of the bag getting pulled on old Drysdale. He was probably furious. He wasn't thrilled. That hooker... Yeah, he's a motherfucker. Yeah, dude, that hooker was passed out. He's probably like, oh, rats! The broad is dead. I killed the goddamn broad. just what i need this broad was sick his broad came down with the heebie-jeebies the jig is up just your luck drysdale i'm going to the big house for sure oh drysdale you're in a pickle this time a real pickle get out of it oh shit i'm gonna have to shoot my way out Just my luck.

40:58Shane Gillis:My primo whore craps out on me. Honestly, these bags could go really, really bad. He could have jumped out of the hotel. Primo whore is such a funny bag. Primo whore croaking on you in Milwaukee. The textbook Primo whore bag. That's Milwaukee's Gone Wild. That was honestly probably in the best Western in Milwaukee. The bag got pulled on old La Mer. Oh, is that right? You had a bag? A couple of fellas in Reddit pulled the old bag on La Mer Lee. Oh, what happened? This episode is brought to you by Viori. Guys, we've been wearing Viori lately. It's a game changer. The core shorts work for pretty much anything.

41:37Shane Gillis:Gym, errands, hanging around the house, whatever. Matt, and the Stratotec tee? Insanely soft. You're going to want to wear it 24-7. Everything is comfortable but looks good at the same time. It just works. It just works. Get 20 % off your first purchase at viori.com slash MSSP and discover the versatility of Viore clothing. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Matt, what were you finally able to save for thanks to Rocket Money, Automatic Savings, Vacation Bowl? Can I tell you something? I had a surprise charge story.

42:17Shane Gillis:Really? Crazy surprise charge. Those lying cam girls? No, actually. It's funny enough. It had nothing to do with that. I was going through my, which one call it? I have a joint credit card with my wife, and we're going over the monthly charges, and it was like a shock. Someone had, I think, frauded us, and I had to charge for the Bangkok massage down by the airport. Son of a bitch. It was fucking bullshit. $160. I mean, and also, that's a tough one for you to have to. I know. That was not me. I said, babe, what the hell? I'm so surprised by this. This is fraudulent and suspicious activity. Rocket Money involved.

42:46Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

42:54Shane Gillis:Guys, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. That's rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. Rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. Were you with your primo whore? So I'm in Milwaukee. I just get off stage. I get on Reddit and I find Milwaukee's gone wild. that's a little subreddit where they're selling orgies in Milwaukee I say 75 bucks for an orgy yeah I'll fucking take a razor scooter over to the Best Western I get in there they say we're not in here thanks for the 75 bucks the bag's on you

43:43my favorite we're back in New York We're back in New York Boomer's just taking off With a fucking rock hard cock $75 slider

43:56Shane Gillis:Oh Jesus Christ Well you waited You waited for How long did you wait You waited in the lobby I waited a little bit I waited like 30-40 minutes I waited in the lobby Just sitting And they were like We can't come down now We're too busy Fucking Good experience Get back to New York And he tries to confront Milwaukee's going wild And they're like Actually it's funny you ask We have an orgy in New York tonight for the 75 months they tried to bag him again good for you man the bag's been pulled on him a couple times on the internet bag me fucking dick bag me once shame on you bag me twice true this time the bag's on me yeah the bag uh well the mayor's been hit with the internet bag oh he'll get you jacking off bag send it to your friends what's the jacking off bag you better be careful you're gonna wanna hear this uh which one I sent my dick to a dude on Snapchat I thought it was a lady oh yeah it happens to the best of us yeah but you I admire the fact you were like go ahead and release it to all my friends they're cool nothing you literally so they get they get your Instagram so they see who your friends are and then they go this is who I'm about to send it to if you don't give me two thousand dollars oh my god and you go fucking black mirror well you gotta send it because you can't negotiate.

45:18They're going to go, all right, here's another list. 2 ,000 more. I'm saying to them. Yeah. You can't negotiate with terrorists. You can't negotiate with these dick terrorists.

45:26Shane Gillis:He didn't even send it, did he? Oh, he sent it. What? He sent it out. He did send it out? Yeah, but nobody answered it. Everybody was like, this guy sent me a message about you. I was like, don't. Don't look. Everyone opened it. Just so you know. Every single... I would fucking open it. Everyone's opening that. Yeah, true. We were talking about this recently. A girl told me, because we were sharing stories about this, how it happens to people. And a girl was like, it happened to my brother. And it got sent to every single member of my family. Oh, my God. He was like 18 when he did it. It got sent to his sister.

46:00And it was a video of him jacking off. Oh, my God. With his face in it. Like, oh. But he survived. People are evil. People are evil. Yeah, that's shitty. That's like that Black Mirror episode. And they made him do all that crazy shit. And he fucked a pig. No, that was a different episode The bag's on me The bag's on my dick Before it goes on to that pig I was just saying I fucked a pig

46:25Shane Gillis:I would almost rather have If it could be like a side profile Fucking the pig Than like an eye contact POV of me jerking off on the screen I disagree Side profile fucking the pigs That's pretty wild That is wild We could at least deny some culpability If you're eye contacting the camera They're like, fuck, I'm going to fucking care. They're both awful options, but I still go with it. Yeah, jacking off everybody does. Fucking a pig is nuts. Yeah, that's an odd choice. A real pig. Yeah, you're a real pig. No, an actual pig, not a lady. The pig's dead. Oh, that's different. Oh, well, yeah. That's a no-brainer, obviously.

47:02Shane Gillis:The dead pig. It's a dead pig. Dead pig, who wouldn't? They're about to sell it later. They're going to kill it anyway. Yeah, a bunch of Italians are going to kick it up and eat it. Turns out we just fucking paid that pig off to pretend it was dead. The bag's on. The bag's on you. He's upstairs with his fucking primo pig. I'd even have to send the video to my family. I don't even know why I did that.

47:24I like that, dude. Show the fucking terrorists who's boss. True. I might start sending my family this nonstop wave. I got to get ahead of this.

47:32Shane Gillis:Dude, they got me again. These fuckers got me. Keep sending videos of you jacking off to your dad. Dad, don't open it. dude i got catfished terribly once back in uh yeah i mean 10 years ago uh and my friend told i was like i got a bad feeling about this girl invited me over it's late at night on tinder or something and uh i was like i got a weird feeling about this and he's like dude he's like yeah and uh something's wrong i'm like i could get laid but i might be murdered yeah and uh my buddy's like oh you know what you can do is you can put the phone number into the facebook search bar at the time and it'll show if there's a profile link to that account i swear to god i typed in the phone number and it's literally it doesn't matter that they're black but they happen to be black and wearing a ski mask whoa it was literally just three profile pictures and he definitely had a gun in another one and i'm like i'm glad i looked that up that's really nice i still went i still went, you know.

48:34What? No, I didn't. When you get horny, it's like, yeah. There's probably a mistake on the website. Well, now I don't have to prepare for them. Yeah, I would have definitely been murdered. Yeah, you got robbed for sure. Yeah. It's a good way to rob people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's better than fucking Reddit orgies. You gotta seduce like a married guy into coming to your house. That way he can't tell on you. Oh, yeah. You just rob them. There you go. Take acid, rob people. it's a good podcast

49:05Shane Gillis:no the horny traps the best yeah you get someone in yeah and you're just you can't be like oh I was why were you there be like you needed help moving stuff in the fridge bought a brownie fridge yeah that was an easy one to come up with yeah the governments do it yeah the honeypot classic it was literally a little great honeypot honeypotted yeah damn that would have sucked though just to go in the apartment it was a black Israelite it was a black Israelite it was a black Israelite yeah it's possible I fucking love honey too I literally could get honey potted. Yeah. I'm fucking weed too. That's why they do them.

49:37Shane Gillis:Oh, bother. Oh, bother. Oh, bother. No pussy. Just a fucking guy in a ski mask. I also feel like now, if they want to honey pot you, because they have your whole internet porn search history, they can like craft a scenario out of like a porn you watch. You go, quickly, my stepmom's stuck in a dryer. You go, it seems fishy, but I got to take this chance. She's got the massage written all over it. She has massage written all over it, but what if she is stuck and she needs my help?

50:10Shane Gillis:Having a stuck honeypot would be so fucking funny. What is this? She's going to a party. Someone would be like, oh, that room? Oh, my fucking stepmom's stuck in the dryer. Don't worry about that mirror that looks like a camera could be behind it. walk up in the mirror I know you guys are watching I'm doing it

50:40Shane Gillis:my step sister is frozen in the kitchen you can do whatever it's this crazy thing it's called free use she's just bent over the kitchen counter don't mind the Jewish cameras everywhere You go home You go home You're like Dad's like Shane I got a divorce This is your new stepmom She's like a fucking 23 year old Brazilian lady You're like This seems fishy I've seen videos about this Fucking Mossad Mossad keeps getting me She's so nice to me

51:17Shane Gillis:Yeah honeypot is the best I mean it is a good It's a good trap I'll say Yeah If you're gonna get trapped You might as well Get fucking honeypot Yeah Yeah, true. Legally. Yeah. You know. That's right. You know, for sure. I'm not. Because then it's like, my thing is if I got caught into the honeypot, I would start to be like, can we do another one? Can we do those? I don't know if you made my mind up yet. I'll never talk. These guys keep sending fucking chicks to suck my dick. The worst spies ever. I'm just lying. I'm just keep making shit up. Because if you get caught with one bad photo, that would be crazy to be indebted for years and years and years.

51:56Shane Gillis:It's got to be a real bad one. Yeah, you got it. It literally has to be. Yeah, it's almost like something like this is happening in the world right now. Yeah. Yeah, it definitely is. No, I'm talking about the Epstein list. Yeah. Dude, the letters. Also, now, though, you can just claim deepfake. Oh, shit, I never thought of that. You never thought about that? You never thought of that? He said, the bag's on you, Stephen Hawking. Dude, Epstein was a master bagger. So we cut this fucker down to the beach. He can't even walk. Put a couple kids on him and take a picture. We go, hey, Stephen, the bag's on you.

52:37What do you mean the bag's on me? Enough of your universe bullshit. You got to support Israel. They pulled a bag on him. This cripple fucker, we decided to pull a bag on him. We're back at the fucking We're back at the bar Fucking three hours later Hawking rolls in He's still pissed The fucker's still pissed

53:01I'm in the fucking limbo line I'm in the Congo line With five ten year olds And fucking Hawking rolls in The fucker's still pissed Hawking's still alive right? Is he dead? When did he die? Two, three Two years ago? Wait didn't Stephen Hawking just die? I think it was like three or four years

53:18Shane Gillis:Three or four years Really, that was kind of during all the Epstein stuff. Yeah. That must have had to be nice to be an assassin and be like, who are you going to kill today? Like Stephen Hawking. You're like, easy. Seven years ago. Easy. Cakewalk. Just turn him off. He just powered down. He's saying some dangerous things. How do we stop him? I got it. I broke his charger last night. Snuck into his house and broke his charger. It's almost too easy. It's just crazy enough to work. Yeah, Hawking being on the F scene on the island. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. He was probably old as fuck, too. I know.

53:57Shane Gillis:Oh, bother. True. They really fucked him on that. And why did only, like, two people? It was him and, like, a magician that got released. There's only two people there. Oh, David Copperfield? I think Copperfield. I think the mysterious Mr. Copperfield. I bet he wished he could make that list disappear. 2015 email from Epstein The email mentioned Allegation from Epstein Accuser Virginia Guffrey Concerning a supposed Underage orgy Involving Hawking Yep In the Virgin Islands Oh I thought you were going to say The best western in Milwaukee That's the one LeMaire Got locked out of Thank God Stephen Hawking Stephen Hawking Stephen Hawking Stephen Hawking Rolled himself home $75 lighter And pissed off

54:44Shane Gillis:You promised me, LeMaire. They had the whole thing set up on like a 40-screen computer. They almost got you. Fuck you, bitches. I'm on my way to NASA. Oh, it's funny. There's actually going to be an orgy at NASA later this afternoon. 75 bucks. All right. That's a deal. Oh, man. Sick deal. Wasn't that the only two people? I feel like it was... I don't want to put Smud on Copperfield, but I feel like his name came up. It was like a famous magician. Yeah. I remember when you're in there. It was just those two, the names I heard. I don't want to get sued by David Copperfield. Exactly. Or his estate.

55:19Maybe it was Houdini. Yeah, that's a ticket. Damn. It was Houdini. I'm wrong. I'm wrong. Hawkins was having a blast. This is him on the island. There's a photo. Holy shit. There's a photo. They said he would go into a room with midgets and make them do math naked. I heard that. Yeah. I don't know where else. I haven't seen any sources pick that up, but that was the rumor. Naked math for midgets? He would make little people do math.

55:49Shane Gillis:He had them in the math castle. Did you ever play that game? Yeah, he has.

55:57Shane Gillis:Yeah, dude, the lit things are too funny. Oh, my God, that's so funny. There's some really... Yeah, he's got some incriminating stuff. Why are there only pictures of him? Interesting. He was just probably stoked to be at the party. Yeah, he's just happy to be invited. He's just happy to get out of the house. He got fucked a little. Yeah, I don't think, because I think a lot of the other people might have been big power players, and Hawking was just probably like, you know, did you ever see the coming of age high school tales when the nerd gets invited to the party? Yeah, finally gets invited to the pool.

56:29I can't believe I'm finally here. It's not cool. Did you guys know that the universe is fucking? Shut the fuck up, Hawking. Throw him in the pool.

56:41it was can't hardly wait for sure

56:47Shane Gillis:god that's crazy yeah that's wild it's also crazy to think about how that happens like if you become like a millionaire multi-millionaire you're like you know you're getting into like more and more kind of like rarefied circles and all of a sudden it's just like dude i have an island we're gonna have sex with children you're like oh what the fuck there's no way they lay it out. Actually, they probably did. That's another one. Fool me twice. The second you get on the second jet, you go, there better not be any kids here, Jeff, you fucker. During the Clinton era, that was like the 90s. Dude, jailbait was like a funny, popular thing.

57:24Dude, she's jailbait.

57:27Shane Gillis:Now, it's like pedophile. That made it late. That was during Obama. Dude, I say it all the time. the first Jailbait was like watch the pilot of Californication it's the it starts with him having sex with a high school girl and being like oh shit I'm such a crazy writer and that's that's the pilot episode I think of the series old school yeah he fucks a high school chick Pineapple Express Pineapple Express his girlfriend's in high school yeah what was he like how old was he what the fuck

58:02I wonder who wrote all those

58:10who's doing this to us why are they doing this to us remember when you saw the Twix Twix was full star David we were hitting the hotel candy and uh I was like bro I'm not joking Twix is the star David it was exactly I saw into Kanye West's mind cause then I remembered immediately Kanye's been ranting about Twix and I was like, that's why, dude. Twix! The star of David. Twix! Twix! Twix! Is that making Twix bigger to make us fat? Twix! Shut up before you get exiled, bitch. That's my, that's still the best, Kanye. It's like, I'm doing this alone. None of you are with me at all. And it's like, I'm with you guys.

58:51Shut up before you get exiled. Oh, yeah. He's in someone's house. Calling everybody into my hotel room to be like, I'm the only one doing it. I'm by myself. None of you are with me. looks like the star david does it really like the star david story about the one that made me laugh harder than anything well the other thing that made me laugh so hard was that fucking dumb elton john me elton john me that is one of the best what was that elderly couple uh it was like a it was a headline news headline and it said elderly couple attacked at elton john concert and then the comment above and stay out of the fucking pit bitch yeah that had us that had us crying laughing for 45 minutes yeah that was very funny now what was the story about the the guys that you work just say it we can edit it oh we've already told it classic tale and the text we've never i need

59:49Shane Gillis:to get the text yeah you gotta get all the text and tell that in a different another episode it's crazy it's so good he rattles it off like the gettysburg address it's crazy that was yeah it was a great night it's quite it's a classic text from just like a horrible employee just obviously high and up at four extremely high just a nine it's like a nine foot text yeah it's a meth text it reeks of meth yeah meth texts are actually like 30 paragraphs of just like i would never lie to you for real i love this job so fucking much trust me okay I'm not a liar. What I said was going on at that time.

1:00:29I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. We'll see. I will win. I always win.

1:00:35Shane Gillis:By the way, did you know that when you Google tips for coming down off of LSD, they give you the suicide helpline? What? I swear to God. That's crazy. Imagine. I wonder if there's any tips and tricks, like a blanket or a warm shower. It was like, help is available. I was like, what the fuck? And we're back. And we're back. I'm reading a book right now called Drunks and Monks, which it's about a guy. It's a really good book. It's about a guy who's an entertainment lawyer in Southern California, and he was kind of killing it, and his wife divorces him. And he spirals for like six years. He had never drank.

1:01:10Shane Gillis:He had an alcoholic mom. So he never drank a day in his life, and at 34 just starts hitting the paint harder than anybody. Yeah, it's got to be so sick. It was, dude, well, it was. Do you remember how fun it was the first time you drank? Yeah, I sure do. It was awesome. Imagine being 34 and being like, oh, fuck. Yeah. I've been missing this my entire life. Holy shit. The problem was he was showing his ass. So he was going through a divorce. He would, like, go to weddings. He was, like, making out and grinding on a lady. Falling down, throwing up. Literally. Yeah. And his mom was, like, a recovery.

1:01:40Shane Gillis:His mom actually then, like, his mom got diagnosed with cancer. Then she relapsed. You got to hit the fucking relapse. And got dementia. So he was, like, his mom. they didn't realize the mom was already like kind of a drunk who would like fall down but the mom started shitting herself all the time so at one point he gets like kicked out of his second wife's house and he's just with his like mom who's like you know is going to die pretty soon but you know she actually rallied for like six years and the dad would just freak out so he was like 34 in his childhood bedroom and he had a horrible childhood but at 34 he was in there with his dad being like what the fuck's wrong with you shit in your fucking pants and like screaming and breaking shit something happened does anything good happen Yeah, I think he becomes a monk.

1:02:18Shane Gillis:I think he eventually leaves. Oh, okay. Yeah. I think. I haven't finished the book. He becomes like a devout Catholic. You haven't finished the book. So you're just guessing? I'm pretty sure he becomes a devout Catholic monk. Because I watched some interviews after. When's the last time you read Bukowski? Not for a couple of years. You would really like Bukowski. I remember liking it. If you like this shit. I read his, I forget the one book. It was good. His whole, yeah. Ham sandwiches or some shit. Ham on rye. Ham on rye. And post office women Hollywood. This is nice because it's that, but then it has kind of like a theological.

1:02:46Shane Gillis:under text because he's constantly he like gets he just starts like singing in a choir like a latin mass it's really funny he's just a drunk it's really funny it's really funny i used to drink at bukowski's bar a lot really yeah the frolic room that's nice and this drinking but not really but yeah i can see how you would not miss it but there's days there's good days and bad yeah yeah i just read uh like he had that book of shorts i read that one about that girl he was fucking. She was like a prostitute, but he loved her. I don't know, it was kind of beautiful. It was like a dirty man. Kowski fucking rules, but if you're into just a guy who's a drunk fucking mess, that's 90 % of the stories are him.

1:03:25Yeah. Getting drunk at a bar, eating a lady's postage, getting knocked out by another guy. Yeah, it's pretty great. All those fucking great writers were getting knocked out. They were all literally the biggest drunks ever. Yeah, Hemingway fucking... Yeah, but Hemingway was like... Faulkner. He was a good drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eh, until he took it.

1:03:42Shane Gillis:shotgun to his fucking own ass. That wasn't out there. Until he got the Eagle's gun. No, that was... That was... I think he had dementia. Did he? Yeah, I think he started to have... Oh, no. He had dementia or Parkinson's. I forget. Yeah, but didn't, like... I think a lot of his family... He's like a family curse. Yeah. A lot of his family killed themselves. Also, I think he might have been, you know, throwing some jabs at women. Yeah. So maybe he wasn't the best drunk. Oh, he's... Right. I think he'd have a couple and go... He's drinking mojitos, too, which is funny. Interesting. Drinking mojito and be like...

1:04:12Shane Gillis:yeah he was like an adventurous drunk he'd be like I'm in a war or I'm fishing or something yeah Bukowski's literally just like yeah bar fly he has fucking ugly motherfuckers looking at me so I was like fuck you you ugly bitch and he knocked me the fuck out then I woke up in a puddle of my own puke and blood Shakespeare and then I raped a lady Jesus Christ yeah that's rough he's not afraid to yeah Jesus wow that's in the book yeah for sure for sure maybe the greatest writer of all time what's some prose ah he was fucking drunk at a bar this fucking ugly motherfucker I punched him in the face he writes little poems that I like it was cool it was a good episode that was fun see you soon on the Patreon