Ep 583 - Ice Cream Dream (feat. James McCann)

22:56Shane Gillis:That's how you know we lost. Yeah, yeah. If they're still holding hands, we definitely lost. Yeah, if we, I mean, if. That was kind of the whole point of the fight. Stop holding hands. Hold hands. Napalm. They still hold hands. They won, bro. We did our best. We got in there like, knock it off. Link arms. I don't mind that. Link arms. Skipping down the streets of Ho Chi Minh City. I didn't know that. Yeah, it's completely. I really despise holding hands while walking. I don't like it either. I fucking hate it. Oh, I don't like it. I don't mind it. You got to sink your pace up. Dude. Sink your pace up.

23:32Shane Gillis:I get flack about holding hands all the time. I just. I can't stand it. Especially when like if you're going to do it. They dead fish. Women will fucking dead fish during the hold hands. I'm doing all the work here. And then somebody else is walking down the sidewalk and we got to. Yeah. I'm like fucking get out of the way. Get in front of me. Sing the file. Yeah. Dude, you're preaching to the choir. I haven't gotten to do it in a long time because I'm always holding a child's hand. yeah and now that my daughter is almost seven and she'll do weird what she'll be like stepping on the cracks while holding the hand or trying not to step on the cracks and it feels like my arm is going to get yanked out of the socket or she wants to be lifted in the air and do a swing with the the on the on the no warning like i'm gonna swing from your arm shit makes me so angry it's like walking a dog when they run dude fucking kills it hurts it's all it's the exact same thing you just feel complete dead weight and then i'm like you can't do that i get so mad and they're like just having fun i don't know why you're being such a dick about this it's like dude that fuck that sucks when you do that hurt your father's shoulder you do feel like a bitch where you're like vietnamese click on my hands what are you vc i do feel like a bitch because she's having a nice time she's having an expressing you know she's expressing love to me and i go just be normal walk like a normal person get off me all right you're ready for australia with that fucking do true that crow boy the real crow boy it'll grow back it'll be i just wanted a normal mullet i didn't know i froze up because i think there was a very muscular woman cutting the hair it could have been a trans person i don't no judgment no for sure i don't know i don't know what i got if you shave that beard yeah better or worse no i'm just saying i'm thinking i wouldn't be throwing around that could be trans.

25:14You think I'll be trans if I get rid of my beard? You got the fucking Starbucks do right now. You got the fucking barista. We got to outreach to the progressives. We got to expand the audience. You got the complete barista. They gave me a neck massage afterwards. I didn't ask for it. It's kind of nice though. They put a warm towel on me and got a machine out. That's nice. As I felt sad about my hair. And I was appalled. I was very upset. But then I realized my mouth could be seen through the towel. She wrapped the towel around my face and I thought my expression was hidden then i realized my mouth was twisted into a disgusted grimace

25:49Shane Gillis:and i closed it up did they ask you to go down that far did you go like because that's like a two this was the first thing they did they just went damn and then there was i couldn't say stop now the resistance brother yeah i like it i do like it it looks good i am waiting for it to grow i think it's cool i get the wings at the back the worst is that they took photos of me i I said yes. I think I'm on their Instagram page somewhere. Oh, no. She goes, and lovely, lovely lady. Lovely lady. I don't know. I don't want to talk about it. Please find it. But they go, I don't know if they posted it. We'll bleep out the name of it.

26:24Do you want it before and after? What was the name? I couldn't. I looked up open now on a Sunday. I tried to hide how upset I was. Was it in this town or another? It was in this town. I tried to go and get one when I was in, I don't know, Tacoma. And then I sat for an hour and I had to go to the airport. It's a bit of a Tacoma dude, too. I'd listened in Tacoma waiting for a haircut, and then I just had to leave because the car was there. But this man was complaining about his girlfriend and how she was recovering from a C-section.

26:51Shane Gillis:Yeah. Men open up in a barbershop, and they tell you how they really feel. He was the least sympathetic man I've ever overheard. He was literally complaining, my wife's recovering from a C-section. She can't walk, and she's getting angry at me for going skiing too much. I need to go skiing so I can be there for a family. Was he getting his haircut? Yeah. He was having a very vulnerable moment. Nothing bothers me more because I'm dead silent during a haircut, which I guess is psychotic. I look at myself in the eyes the entire time. It's kind of fucking crazy. I think it was a bodybuilding woman.

27:20But then there's somebody else. There's always a loud fucking douche. That'd be a compliment. A very loud douche. There's always a loud douche. The barber can't go, shut up. Yeah. The barber has to go, oh, it's hard about not being able to ski while your wife recovers from.

27:32Shane Gillis:Yeah, I don't tell them shit, man. I'm a vault. I'll tell you, I had a bit of a bad haircut myself. I shaved my mustache and I forgot how small my mouth was. I forgot I don't have an upper lip. You know, they can fix that. As soon as I, yeah, I should get lip injections. It's almost time. Shaved my mouth and I was like, oh, fuck. Fuck, I forgot I looked like this. I just wanted my face to look, you know, I wanted less features. Why? Because I have a completely featureless face. I feel this is, I feel. My beard and my glasses are doing a lot to hold me in heaven's face. But yeah, you've got the Irish small nose, big head, small features.

28:10Yeah, it's tough. It's all face. It's difficult for people. I need my goat now. What the fuck are you laughing at, Nate? Ugly fuck. We don't know what Nate really looks like. I've never seen Nate's chin.

28:21Shane Gillis:Yeah. I don't even know what it looks like anymore. Do we have pics with you with a butt face? With me and my butt face? No, I'm saying like when you shave, it's called a butt face. No, he was skinny before the beard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't grow this out of fairness. I'd love to see. I'd like to see that chin under there. Oh, it's definitely. I want to see what's going on. Clean shaven, by the way. You're not ugly, by the way. You're a handsome fella. Clean shaven is called a butt face. That's a universal. I wasn't calling your face a butt face. I thought you thought. No, no. Clean shaven face is called a butt face.

28:49Okay, okay.

28:50Shane Gillis:I think I would look good. That's universal. I have to admit, while I was shaving, I did. You hit it? Wait. You did the Alex Jones? You just got hit it for one second. I go, oh, it's too powerful. It was actually an accident. I just accidentally did it, and I was like, oh, shit. Every time. Yeah. I've given it to myself many, man. You do have. You're that shit I'm talking about. It's one of my better mustaches. Mullet with a Hitler stache would be fucking crazy. Hitler stache beard combo would be nice, too, because you're like, man, I have a beard. I'm not fucking. I'm taking away its power. Yeah.

29:26I'm an ally.

29:28Shane Gillis:Yeah, true. That's a good point. A wife wouldn't allow it, I don't think. but I do like to come in and show her. You show her? Yeah. Yeah. Always. I've been cursed, man. I have a scar right here so my mustache doesn't connect so I can never, can't get it. Never feel the true power. Never felt the power. Never stepped in. What, you start doing the speeches? No, no, no. It was quick. It was very quick. I looked at it and went, whoa. Because it was accidental. I got the accidental stache. You started on the ends, started shaving down the ends. You went, wait a second. Whoopsie. Wait a goddamn second here.

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31:23Shane Gillis:that's 10 off at t-e-c-o-v-a-s dot com slash matt and shane see site for details to covas point your toes west uh yeah i can't believe you neg my dream the other day i mean i opened up shane told him i had a nice dream dude i had a dream it was usually my dreams are all like you know i'm in like a scary house that's all fucked up this was me just chilling in a nice shop eating an ice cream cone i had a dream i wonder what that means the scary house i don't know dude i'm in the same house it's a worn down fucked up house in a bad neighborhood you've never been in this house before i mean i mean uh it reminds me of melon street when i used to live in this house in west philly it reminds me of it but it's not that you know it's like a slight like you know whatever but it's that's my recurring dream but then i finally got a break and i was just eating an ice cream cone and there's the lady who made me the ice cream cone was like describing when i was about to find there's a chocolate ice cream cone she goes oh there's peanut butter in there and i bite and go oh there is peanut butter and i just ate the ice cream cone it was a pleasant dream shane's like dude you're a fucking pervert it's a sexual dream that was my sexual dream clearly my only pleasant dream i've ever had it wasn't all but wait did shana pity you in the dream to say this or no no he called me to let me know about it i was just telling him about my peanut butter ice cream dream i was like being down about men holding hands but you're calling people with your ice cream dream i could never we were talking about other stuff we were talking for a while he called me during my constitutional he was taking a constitutional i just got done mine and uh yeah i was just like i was like dude you'll never believe it i had like an actual plain like dog dream of just eating a cone pause but it was just eating an ice cream cone and it was just so enjoyable it's like that's sexual i was like it was not sexual it was sexual it was purely what did the woman look like i don't even remember it was like a shadow i swear to god it was like a shadowy figure just being like there you know there's peanut butter in there as soon as you say it i'd bite the cone there is peanut butter and she kept just giving me anything she would any treat she would mention would just pop up she was completely non-satiating yeah it's completely non-sexual sweet treats clearly i was focused on the ice cream cone more than anything so it was nice i uh i had a good one for you this was making me laugh well and i don't think it's gonna be that funny i just wrote it down in my notes uh pretty late one night this week uh i thought it was very funny but i don't think it'll translate to sobriety but i was i was laughing at uh me going to a halloween party in a braveheart outfit and paparazzi getting a upskirt from the kilt getting stepping out and just having the sitting upright tina's in a kilt the sitting upright tina getting the lindsey lohan and then try to defend myself skirt keeps blowing up so there's just pictures the skirt up with the braveheart face the classic marilyn monroe would be so nice if you're over the great just marilyn monroe teenis like it would be the most devastating us getting out of a car sitting upright picture of my penis would be it's also so funny just a free ball into the kilt for no reason.

34:34Shane Gillis:You got a free ball, dude. There's a musician in Australia called Kieran J. Callanan who went to an award show and wore a kilt. And you go across the press photography and they're all taking pictures and then someone goes, lift the kilt! And he does it and he showed his penis. Beautiful penis. But the fury on the left was huge. What? The left was mad? The left was really mad that he flashed his penis. It was the left who asked him to flash it, obviously. Well, it was the photographers. But people started lying. People started saying, kids were there. Kids could have seen that penis It was the first time I realized that many progressives Are afraid of the penis There is a fear It's always get the nipples out Show the woman body But a penis is somehow threatening People are afraid of our bodies Also why would there be kids that are in a war?

35:18No they definitely weren't This is insane People are getting slimed in a different way Show us your dick You want to see your dick

35:31Shane Gillis:Take your dick out yeah it's on the person who asked somebody asked to see it and he showed him photos came out and it's all of them were censored no one other than that saw the real penis yeah and but i remember he had to apologize for having his penis out at an award show there should be more penises i think decent apology though to say sorry forget my sorry my dick was out at the award show we had a long history i say sorry my dick was out anytime it's out we had a long history of people getting their dicks out at that award show. I go, I'm really sorry, my penis is out. I think we should normalize.

36:05That's gay too. Full frontal malnuity. I'm from a, I did a lot of comedy festivals, fringe festivals. It was a very important part of the show to get the penis out at some point in the show. That's how people knew that you were taking risks and doing exciting things. Really? Dan Rathbone would get his penis out, Dr. Brown. Goliere, trained clown, he would get his penis out a lot. It was huge. And in America, no one ever gets the, Bobby Lee's still holding it down sometimes He gets his dick out on stage? It's less threatening No, yeah It's not very threatening But he's taking chances That's a good move Material's not working You go, I got this old ace on my sleeve I was ready to see a wild looking dick I thought it would be funny to record a comedy special Shot from the waist You come out, you do the whole hour And it's all shot from the waist up The dick is out the whole show And then in the final shot, the goodnight everybody you reveal you pull back and you reveal the penis has been out the whole time and that maybe explains how the audience is reacting for the rest of the wouldn't that be a fun i'll never do it it is funny courage to do it it's funny people screaming mad the entire show but you never address it you just keep doing the act yeah the cuts to the audience would be hilarious if the audience is going i did i started i've never had an erection on stage before i don't i don't think Nobody has.

37:26No, but I did a gig in Omaha and a woman stood up, a very drunk woman, and she got her boobs out for no real reason. And then later she did it again. I was questioning why she wasn't removed after the first time, but people left her there. And there was a slight... You must have been killing, dude. Slight scurrying. People have taken their tits out. It's the sort of thing you always hope is going to happen and then it does and you go, now it's not the time. Yeah. I'm trying to, you've actually ruined the anecdote. Who was she with? A very embarrassed man.

38:00Shane Gillis:Oh, no. I had to kick a lady out this weekend. I had to kick an elderly lady out. What was she doing? Well, hold on. Did you get hard? Yeah, true. It was the very faintest. You pulsed. It moved. There was a pulse. The body cannot help, but a woman is standing and doing and showing. Is she attractive? She was a long way away. I would imagine no. Yeah, I feel like I get adrenaline from stand-up. I just saw tits while I was doing stand-up. I did that. I tried not to. I said, Madam. Put your tits away. But it was a... I couldn't believe they left it. The gentleman should have jumped in front of her tits.

38:37Shane Gillis:Yeah. Should have blocked and said, come on. Should have bodygued. Excuse me. Taking the bullet for the president. Yeah, usually a lady flashing her tits in public is not great. Yes. Yeah. But I think if it had only happened one time I would have been fine I could have moved on But then when it repeated She just kept Standing up It happened to me in Westchester I was walking past the bar And I was with O 'Connor And we were walking by And I guess people in there saw me And they were like Come in, come in So we were like Alright, we'll come in for one And a lady just ran outside And showed her tits And she wasn't It wasn't great Yeah It was terrible That stinks It was actually like scary Yes Yeah But if you think that would be very nice, you know?

39:24I mean, how are you supposed to even respond? Like somebody on the street showing you their tits, you go, all right. Yeah. Nice. Good job. Thank you. Appreciate that. Yeah, really, there's no way to be like, oh, cool.

39:35Shane Gillis:Great tits. Yeah, nice job. Thank you. You got to like, and then like, well, are you supposed to chat that person up or just be like? Yeah, just literally just walked as fast as I could past her. Yeah. Yeah. Damn, that's devastating. If you showed your tits and the person was like, anyway. I wish I had another set of hands. So I give those titties. Full of thumbs down. The milk's gone bad. It's gone bad. Charlie, my man. Yeah. It's like, I'm sorry, ma 'am. What do you want me to do with that? Oh, I'll titty fuck you. Right here. Thank you. On the street. Should have for real called the cops. Like, sir, I've just been flashed.

40:13Shane Gillis:It's against the law. Yeah. Sir, I'd like to report a sexual crime. My girlfriend was with me and she was mad. Really? There's nothing to be mad at. She was nasty. Yeah, well. Although I'd be furious. If a dude showed his dick to my girlfriend, I'd be like, what the fuck? I guess the equivalent for a dude would just be butt cheeks. Yeah, if he just showed his butt cheeks, I'd be fucking pretty peeved. Yeah, but if it was a hideous butt, he'd go, fuck it. Kick him on the ass. Kick his ass. Dude, if someone presented their hideous ass to my wife, yeah, that would be really mixed feelings about that.

40:51Shane Gillis:You'd laugh. That would be a good time. I don't know. I might be upset. If I was walking and there was just a big, hairy butt presented to my wife, I'd be like, sir, I might get a little resentful. I'm like, sir. We're talking about an Arab butt. An Arab butt, yeah. A full beard. A little scarab beetle. A scuttlebutt. We're talking about a guard dog butt. talk about red long hair there's nothing wrong with that there's nothing wrong with that there's nothing wrong with having a big red hairy butt you got a Clifford there's nothing wrong with nothing wrong with having it but if it just got presented but you can't show it dude no I keep it discreet you got a hairy butt you know I suppose not globally but it's more hairy than it used to be yeah kids are hair we've talked about that you don't touch those hairs I'm not I'm not getting it waxed I'm not having any maintenance what was it at first just like ball hair that moved up and now you're getting ass cheek hair I got a ball hair you get the ball hair you get the tuft I get the tuft up here it's the shaft hair that I want to know the top of the crack like a rabbit tail a little tuft yeah my dad always called it an ass hair extension

42:13Shane Gillis:my i have a pretty hairless butt though my my like we've been blessed with irish d in it true we do have a hairless irish butts we're like those cats with no hair yeah but yeah no i had a lady i didn't kick a lady out i felt terrible it was like an older lady she wouldn't stop talking and i had to be like all right dude like for real you have to go and i always give a lot of chances and i eventually was like dude you're pissing everyone off you got to go and she was like acting like i don't give a fuck i'm like all right we'll just beat it then she was like i'm a pillar of my community i'm not started tearing up and i was like instantly i fold i go oh never mind ma 'am you can stay and then they're like the bouncer's like now fuck it we're getting her out of here and her husband tried to stay and i kicked him out i said get out of here you fucking piece of shit get out of here no way i always encourage i always encourage the male the male to stay yeah but that lady couldn't be out there by herself she's gonna cause problems i'm like get out there bro that's your problem good deal with it let her cause problems sean was on stage this week and i removed the man from the room did you it was a very drunk child he seemed very young he might have been of age but he and he was drunk before he got there but it was at the velveta room and sean he had been very chatty during my set and then he was saying bizarre things to you he didn't like you at all so i took him out and he you have that effect on people yeah i'm not very likable he was getting ready to fight he puffed his butt hairs at you oh yeah He gave me a little, he didn't do like a fake, I'm going to hit you, but he did.

43:39He made himself large. He was, is it squabbling up? Yeah, he bristles. He started to bristle. So what'd you do? How'd you get him out? I said, I asked the audience to give him a round of applause. I thought that would soften the blow.

43:51Shane Gillis:And I said, we got to come on. You personally kicked him out. Yeah, no one else was, someone else was running the bar and then it was me. I had to. And he left. What was he saying to you? He kept calling me a bitch and saying. This is a problem. Yeah, that sucks. He kept calling me a bitch. Yeah, he kept calling me a bitch, and he was just mad. I couldn't even really guess why he was so mad. The woman he was with was very upset. Yeah, I think I kind of went too hard at that. Well, dude, there's a lot of young guys. I wasn't mean, but I was like. A lot of guys on Coke at the shows, I've noticed.

44:24Shane Gillis:I was saying hi to people after the shows. Oh, yeah. You get a lot of... You want to do some blow? No, thanks. Yeah. I don't even get asked, but you look at these dudes, and you're like, damn, bro, you're gacked out. You catch the fucking, like, the white ring around the nostrils. It's like, yo, guys. No, I was with you in Pittsburgh where a guy wanted to do a blow. He was very upfront about it. Yeah, yeah. You get that a lot. You were very discreet. You said, thank you so much. I'm good right now. I'm not joking. I get offered coke at 90 % of the bars I go to. Every time. Every time someone goes, yo.

44:58Yo. Come on, man. It's a blow. Come on, man. It's such a funny way to do it. I'm not even doing shots. Yeah. Joined a couple brewskis. Come on now. No cocaine. Take it easy, boys. I mean, you know, once in a blue moon, I'll go, yeah.

45:12Shane Gillis:Yeah. Yeah, let's see what happens. And then severe depression kicks in. Yeah. It's good stuff. Yeah, that's the. It's really all it does. Yeah, just gets you. It makes you pretty sad. You're fun. You're having a good time for a minute. And then just sad. Yeah. Sounds not fun. I'm glad Sean's got off of it. He had a bad problem with it. Sean had a real issue with it. Every fucking other week, he was like, I did some coke. Glad he's cleaning up his act. I was really worried about it. It's time to clean it up. What would your mommy and daddy say? They'd be devastated. No, their little Sean was down here snorting up lines like he's Scarface.

45:50Thinking he's a tough guy around town. Someone's going to show them this? No one's going to show them this. Someone, someone. Well, you beat the habit. They're going to be proud of you. They're going to say our sons are recovering. They're going to believe you.

46:05Shane Gillis:There's moles out there in my family, friends, and just circles that tell my parents everything that's said about them. That stinks. My dad gets reports. Whenever I say anything gay about my dad, he hears about it. Whenever I say anything gay involving my dad, it'll eventually, like two months later, he'll be like, I heard you were saying a bunch of weird stuff. What the hell are you talking about? I heard about some weird shit you were saying. I'm like, what are you talking about? And I'll have to go back. I'm like, oh, fuck. Yeah, my bad. Yeah, they all listen. And then you go, please stop listening.

46:36It's like, I miss you. It's the only time I get to hear your voice. And he goes, dead. It's a classic misdirect. That was nice. It's comedy 101.

46:47Shane Gillis:I saw that. That was nice. I was like, grandma.

46:52Shane Gillis:That was good stuff right there. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. You and I make decisions every day, Matt. But on PrizePix, being right can get you paid, baby. Don't forget, prize picks is also available in 40-plus states, including Texas, California, and Georgia. Make sure to check it out. Download the app and get your basketball picks in today. With the basketball season starting, some players have been looking real scary on the court. Please riff about any players and picks you might take. Ooh. Ooh. I like Vijay Edgecombe. He's been very fun to watch. Yeah, I can see that. He's a young fellow on the Philadelphia 76ers, and I like watching him.

47:31I would like to pick him. Oh, I'd like to pick Anthony Edwards. I would just go with him, yeah. I'm feeling spooky today, so I'm going to mix that basketball pick with a football pick. That's spooky. That makes sense. Let's go with Cam. Oh, they wanted me to say Cam Scadaboo. He's been a menace, but he got severely injured this past week. Oh, no. So they were wrong.

47:53Shane Gillis:Oh, yeah, you got to take that back. Hmm. So who would you go with instead of Cam Scadaboo? Matt, you missed your line, dude. Yeah, these picks are spooky as, I would say, a giant skeleton. The 10-foot skeletons. Those are spooky. Oh, boy. Those picks are as scary as 10-foot skeletons. Yeah. Download the PrizePicks app today and use code Drench to get$50 in lineups after your first$5 lineup. That's code Drench to get$50 in lineups after you play your first$5 lineup. PrizePicks. It's good to be right.

48:24Shane Gillis:Take it away, Matt. Guys, here's where you can see me perform live. I'll be off the hook comedy club in Naples, Florida, 11, 7, 11, 8. That's going to be fun. Comedy on state, Madison, Wisconsin. I believe the, I believe Friday sold out. We'll see. But 11, 14, 11, 15, come to that. And then the funny bone comedy club, Syracuse, New York, 12, 19, 12, 20. Guys, please come. And I have a, I'm going to announce a larger tour very soon. So. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah. November 7th, I'll be in San Francisco. November 8th, I'll be in Sacramento. Come on, y 'all. Please. Oh, thank you. November 1st and 2nd, I'll be in Buffalo.

49:04November 5th, Oklahoma City. And then the next night, Tulsa. Then Huntsville, Nashville, and Washington, D.C. And then I sleep. Please come to Optimum Noctis, November 4th, please. Optimum Noctis, November 4th. Creak in the cave, thank you very much. Thank you. Happy Halloween. Oh, yeah, Creak in the cave too. Happy Halloween. Tomorrow. Very spooky laugh, Sean. Yeah, everyone. It was Halloween night. I just want to have a little fright.

49:32Giants. Giants. Found out this week.

49:36Shane Gillis:Fully activated. I found out. I was talking to an LSU fan. Is it LSU? The Louisiana. LSU just lost, didn't they? They did lost and they fired their coach and they paid him$54 million. Damn. But I found out about what the music they would play. Suck that tiger dick? Suck that. They bring out a tiger and 100 ,000 people scream, suck that tiger dick, bitch. It's very catchy. It's a good song. But it's – the variance of the – I mean, at Notre Dame, they lift people up and they take a little child and they lift them up and down. They say, well – Well, no names are – Good family, friendly school. This isn't fucking Louisiana.

50:14Suck that tiger dick, bitch. It's very catchy and they banned it. And then I found out Lamar – what's his name? Odell Beckham? Yeah. There was a man who used to play for them. He went and conducted the band and paid the fine because he was so, he wanted to hear them scream. McAfee did it at game day. It was pretty fun. All he did was sing the opening notes. Yeah, he knew what he was doing. And people took over. He knew what would happen. But no, their coach they fired was Brian Kelly. Yeah, so he used to be Notre Dame's coach. Poor Notre Dame man. What? And now he has$54 million. He said, I'm going to go somewhere else where I can compete and to win a national title.

50:47And I can't do it here at Notre Dame. And he went to LSU and he stunk. He shit the bed.

50:51Shane Gillis:Yeah, I just saw them lose terribly. The game was on this weekend. You know what you'd like. The governor of Louisiana gave a press conference about it. I had no idea he sounded the way he does. He's got full Creole. Does he really? He's like, what we need to do here, find a new coach now. I called down when you do it. Money's going from the people. It's incredible. It's CJ Landry, who's a big LSU fan, and he told me about Coach O. Actually, I think the governor's name is Landry. Well, I'm sure he's part of the noble French families of that state. But Coach O wants to come back. I love this man.

51:27Who's that, the real jacked up? Yeah, you sure? Oh, okay. He's got the Creoles as well. We need him. I'll try to do it.

51:32Shane Gillis:Yeah, go to the press conference here. I think he was laying with women, which was pretty awesome. Students. Some students. Turns out a lot of those SEC coaches, I've heard rumblings. Oh, no. They're not afraid to kiss some of the students. Really? Some of the Southern Bills. It's tough. Allegedly. Actually. Well, it's also because I could see them being like, babe, I'm on the road. It's like, we live there. You're kissing the girls where we live. You're like, well, okay. Come on, man. Now that you bring that up, I guess you got a point there. Yeah. Kiss the coach. I'm not accusing anybody, but Lane Kiffin took a very interesting photo.

52:12Let me see. He took some hot yoga on campus, I believe.

52:18Shane Gillis:yeah they got to bring those guys to guantanamo bro i've look i've done hot yoga before and i've never had good intentions i'll be honest no of course perving the entire time i needed someone to put a sack over my head and drag that on instagram brudda it's a real bad man yeah yeah man i mean it's yeah been there good lord i've been down He does it a lot. I've been down that horny path before. He does it a lot. It's funny in the class, too, because they will say, guys, they'll be like, everyone eyes forward, and you're just like, ooh, my bad. Do they say that in the class? Yeah. No accusations to the Kiff, man.

52:56Obviously not. Honestly. We got our eye on you right now. But posting the yoga pic is the hot yoga pic. Did he post that or did someone post it? He posted that. Bruh. Thirst trap. I believe he posted that. Damn. He's got a tight body, though.

53:09Shane Gillis:Yeah, he's shredded. He's shredded. definitely what i guess he'd be a ectomorph i believe no perhaps it's probably an ectomorph i had a guess or maybe endo i forget but a bit of an honor i'm on i'm on a i'm on a powerlifting journey right now that's awesome yeah i've been beefing with my wife i really think my t's getting raised from power powerlifting oh good she's been like dude what the fuck been more angry she's been getting yeah i've been dude i've been laying down the wall laying down the wall she's really she's pissed at me as we speak she i was i don't even know what was going on i was just like i was asking her to order uber eats for me on the like when we were coming back and uh i was like dude get this and they there's like an option they couldn't do to customize and she's like i already ordered it because i was like fuck that i'll just go to sprouts and grab food she's like i already ordered it and i looked at her phone she had hit buy but you gotta hit like two more things and i was like you're lying you didn't buy it you hit back she was like why are you saying i'm lying i was like i don't know but yeah i'm jacked up maybe that's where your dream came from Ice cream?

54:08Just a woman just giving you whatever treats you wanted.

54:11Shane Gillis:No, you know what? Meanwhile, you're struggling with Grubhub. You know? Could be. Although there is a thing called ice cream matching, which you eat ice cream to like bowl. Could be that too. I've been doing that for some time. It's probably that. Yeah, now that you mentioned it. I've been getting down to the ice cream parlor. Really? Lovely waffle cones down there. It's a good walk with the children, and then you have a little ice cream. Stuff with kids because you're like, let's get you guys a treat. We'll get you guys a try. Anytime I'm home, nieces, nephews, I'm like, dude, you guys want to go to fucking Dairy Queen?

54:42Let's go. I've only been to Dairy Queen once, and I didn't realize that they did that for everybody, the milkshake upside down. I just thought it was an incredible display of faith in the product, but they all do this. I can't think of another fast food place where they give you a little show on the way out the door. Blizzards are nice too. Blizzards rule. Fuck with Blizzards. Did you see the man who went to get a McFlurry, and they told him the mixing machine was broken. They're always fucking broken. But then he sneaks back there and he uses the mixing machine and goes, is it broken?

55:13Shane Gillis:No. That's got to be staged. How the fuck did he get back? Actually, you could probably get past that. Just walk right. Because no one's at the counter anymore because it's all the screens. Yeah. Videos of the people jumping through the drive-thru window. Yes. That's a good trend lately. They jump back there and they play loud music and they just dance with all the fast food employees. Do you have the trend here where people were buying soft serve ice creams and then throwing them through the window firing the hole that was old school dude my friends participated in that it's not right it's not right actually i did not participate but they took my mom's car and i got in trouble for it did a fire they do have cameras and they go there's the license plate send the cops to his house it wasn't me they took my car i was like 20.

56:02Shane Gillis:yeah that was i don't think we ever did a fire in the hole uh there could have been one i don't know but yeah you get a the biggest soda you can get yep you got like a 68 ounce fucking coat after cky came out it must have happened yeah it's like an epidemic for sure so mean cky hit the fucking throwing a body off a bridge under car to cars yeah that's insane yeah that's really dummy throw it over a bridge so it would hit a car when it was coming by and make them cky bamma jared oh yeah it was like their their early video of their stunts shopping cart you know shit like like rolling yeah it was awesome i used to throw golf balls in the highway that's fun that's not a good one that's a bad one that's a real bad one it's fun when you're a kid it's fun snowballs was the best snowballs covered it i think a million times but unbelievable Hitting cars with snowballs.

56:56Yeah. Fucking rules.

56:57Shane Gillis:So fun to get out and chase you. You got to run away. It is funny because I know a couple of people have gotten tackled. I witnessed a guy getting his ass kicked. But I was in the car as the adult. And this guy got out and was like, fuck that. And we just chased this kid down. Just pushed his face in the snow. Made him cry. Nice. Yeah, it was pretty fucked. How much are you allowed to retaliate against a child? Because you've got to be able to do something. I watched a guy kick their ass. I think you can kick a kid's ass. You can face wash them, you know? You know when there's like a gang of children?

57:27That's a risk, dude. If I get into a fight with this gang of children, I think some of them are 14. Yeah. If I win the fight, I look very bad. Or if I even do any damage in the fight. If they beat me up, that's much worse. You can give up a kid's ass. Just body, body. You got to just go to the body the whole time. Yeah.

57:41Shane Gillis:It was on site. When I was like growing up, we would like walk down the street and like older kids would drive by, call us names. If you like threw something at their car, they'd pop the doors and chase you down. They'll beat your ass. So I think there's something good about that. Yeah. Suppose you have like young punks. If they're like young punks doing stuff, you can get out of the car, I think, and just whoop their ass. Yeah. It's good. Their parents will probably side with you. Back then, for sure, yeah. Now, I don't know. Now they're pressing charge. Yeah, if you whoop the young punk's ass now, I think you'd, yeah.

58:09Shane Gillis:Their mom would be all up in your face. I was looking into Curtis Sliwa. Who'd that? The guy running for mayor in New York. Yes, yeah. He might be one of the funniest people alive. I didn't realize. I listened to his Breakfast Club interview yesterday. What? He fucking rules. I didn't know he did the Breakfast Club. Yeah, dude. He's awesome on it. He also kind of makes you want to vote for him. Really? Yeah, he's pretty. He's hilarious. He got shot by. He was talking shit on the Gottis. He had like an AM radio show where he would just be like. He would talk about the mob in New York like it was sports.

58:45He would like cover it. He would just name everybody. He'd be like, this is the guy. This is the restaurant they blew up. Yeah. This is what they're doing. Like he just. He knew everything. And so one day Gotti sent a bunch of guys with baseball bats to his house. And they beat him. They beat him with bats. Dude. Then he kept doing it. So they had a guy pretend to be a cab driver, wait outside his house, pick him up, and turn around and fucking shoot him. He got shot five times and jumped out of the cab. Jeez. According to him, out of the window of the cab. This guy rules. Yeah, he's a fucking man.

59:17And. I didn't know he was running, too. Here's the thing that tops it off. he was a night manager at a mcdonald's in the bronx unbelievable you're talking about fire in the hole yeah that's fucking that might be the worst job i've ever heard it's unbelievable and so that's where he so he founded the guardian angels because they had uh like they started defunding police back then i think it was the 70s or 80s so there was no cops on the subways at night so everyone in the Bronx was just getting really fucked up so his night shift crew and him, Mickey D's workers after they clocked out would ride the subway trains and fuck people up that were out of line dude, they rule he rules, what's the he fucking rules

1:00:04Shane Gillis:the bat attack is hilarious and he loves animals, he hates kill shelters, he's like that's one of my platforms we're shutting that down oh that's awesome he's adopted 17 cats i think it's it's a lot of cats a lot of cats dude yeah he's the man doesn't deserve him they won't get behind they won't rally around this great man yeah that's kind of bullshit but he's gonna it's gonna cost cuomo the election because he won't drop out cuomo's no way cuomo will win anyway if he dropped out there'd be a chance you think yeah because i think most of the people that would vote he's sleep was running as a republican yeah i got you most of them would side with cuomo over mom donnie mom donnie mom donnie yeah my mom i think mom donnie probably will win yeah definitely i don't i don't got all the celebs backing him dude i know i i didn't like man i i think it's cool when comedians support politicians publicly yeah i just think he's a fucking crybaby dude it's a crybaby i saw him crybaby and i was like what was he crybaby oh 9-11 9-11 crybaby i'm like bro shut up man i was just like dude we have problems i get it that must have sucked at the time but also like bro way to make 9-11 all about you man like i just don't like that shit it's 20 years ago man you got stuffed in a locker because you know people didn't understand the difference in the middle east i don't know i mean that'd be yeah i get it it wasn't my dad my dad had the terrorist hunting permit on his uh bumper sticker for a while but i didn't bully any indian kids after 9-11 a lot of a lot of indian guys love to fucking cry about post 9-11 it's like dude we were all hurting all right i had one difficult post 9-11 moment at school what happened to you because i mean we're all finding out about what islam was at the same time it hadn't been a real cause to know about it and i think my mom said you know she was trying to do a nice thing but she didn't really she said something like, you know, it's not all Muslims, but she didn't know the word for it, the Muslims who were.

1:02:08So she said, you know, there's the good Muslims and there's the Allah Muslims. She was just associating. She was going, the Allah Muslims. And there was a Muslim girl at our school. I said to her, are you a Muslim or one of these Allah Muslims? She goes, no, we love Allah. At that point, I was like, I can't believe this girl is allowed to be here with us. She's an Allah Muslim, everybody. Did you leave a charge against her? I just I was shocked and I let her know I don't think that's good I would have been in this you know year 7 year 6 I was 12 year 11 8 I've never even thought of you as a young boy before

1:02:46Shane Gillis:that's so fun to think about it's this this is a more relaxed version yeah oh you one of those Allah Muslims yes I love Allah get her out of here you seem like a safety problem yeah that was the one thing though when i saw him hitting that it was like bro come on man hit me with some city plans don't hit me with 20 years ago fucking you know i look forward to seeing his grocery store actually the thing that got me furious i didn't realize they want to shut down gifted and talented programs at public schools that's correct that's one of his policies You have a poor school full of poor kids. You get one kid who's like, I like reading and I'm good at maths.

1:03:32And so you have one teacher at these schools usually who can go, all right, you're the only one who wants a future. We're going to try and give it to you. Yeah. And they're going to shut it down. That's his plan. I mean, this is appalling.

1:03:41Shane Gillis:Because I guess he's saying it's not. Yeah, he's probably going to give it to like free lunch program instead. I mean. What? Was that a fart? Is it excitement farted free lunch? Free lunch. Fart. He farted off the free lunch What the hell was that? That was nothing Well, man, you definitely love Mom Domi I don't know I don't like him You don't like him? No What the hell? He's out of nowhere He's from Uganda He's out of nowhere? He's just random That was a good call He's out of nowhere I don't like him He's super new He's out of nowhere He's mad new So? He's too new Why? He's green He's just too new Yeah, he's green That's what Slewa hit him with He's green.

1:04:25Sliwa hit him in the debate. Sliwa was dominating the debate. Yeah, I only heard like secondhand accounts. He was like, you could write down all of Mamdami's accomplishments on a single napkin. You couldn't write down all of Cuomo's failures if you had the entire New York public library. Everyone was like, oh. Because everyone hates Cuomo. So Sliwa's kind of like, Sliwa's not going to win. So he's kind of everybody's boy. Everyone's like, dude, fuck yeah.

1:04:56Shane Gillis:yeah i don't know honestly i don't know anything no the anything about it public grocery store i'll be interested to see how that works out because i'm not inherently against it i just want to see if it works i know they've tried this a bunch of times and i feel like it's kind of ended disastrously but i'm curious to see if you can get the like because i don't know what that would do to like you know a private grocery store if you're just like yeah we got apples for fucking 40 cents. I mean, do you just have the one affordable butter? I'm sure there's got to be a requirement to be able to get access to the free grocery store.

1:05:27True. Which will probably just be SNAP, which is, isn't that already? It's winding up. I don't know anything about it.

1:05:33Shane Gillis:Government is still shut down? Still shut down. You talking about the Democrat shutdown? Yes. Every day. Trump's working so hard during the government the Democrat shutdown. He is, dude. Japan gave him some golf clubs. he's fired up i got it i saw one of the white house things they put out i think they did like an everyday i'm hustling thing which is trump walking around the halls they really need to do the government they really need to stop making fucking hype videos so many really the ice hype videos bother me so much yeah well it's just funny too like if say like you know you're fucked from the shutdown to just like all of a sudden get like a cool song with trump walking through the hallway and be like never mind we got this this is sick yeah Never mind.

1:06:17Shane Gillis:It was so tight. I don't need to eat in November. But yeah, public grocery store. I'll be curious to see. One of the elections for...

1:06:31Isn't that... Wouldn't that be November?

1:06:38Could be a good move for the Dems to keep the shutdown going.

1:06:43Shane Gillis:Yeah. I mean, whatever it takes. I can't go to our sweet national parks. Yeah. Yeah. That's why only the snap benefits will run out. I think you can definitely go. During the election. Yeah, I think they run out in November. It's a good move to keep those. They're not staffed. Keep those closed and get people out to vote. It's a classic move. Starve the poor. Starve the poor. It's a classic. Get them out to vote. They need to stop the violence and vote. Yeah, true. Dang, that'd be crazy if it really was like that level of tactics where it's like we're going to start hitting medieval French shit.

1:07:14Shane Gillis:It truly probably is. Just starve. if it gets some people hangering? Yeah, because I was listening. The hangry populace would be not moving. I think Democrats are honestly voting for the shutdown. That's weird, man. I think a few of them are to make sure it's still going. I could be wrong, because I don't think the Republicans have enough votes to keep the shutdown going. So it does require a few Democrats to vote. Whatever, I don't know, again. The Republicans are voting to pass it. You need 60%, is my understanding. Yeah, what I've seen is that they're... I don't know anything. Well, I think the pubs were like, yo, there's a bill they're trying to do and the Dems are like, no, we need to fire the...

1:07:53Shane Gillis:I think the stuff they took out from Dojo were like, fire that shit back up. So I don't fucking know either. But if, if, if that is the case or it's some classic like, let the people get a little hungry. I don't know. That'd be pretty fucked. I think air traffic controllers are going to have to start working for free. Really? I think that was the next step. No. It's not good. Sheet. That's a bit of a difficulty. I'm guessing it'd be a big IOU. I guess they'd get their money. A big lump sum. Well, good luck to everybody dealing with the government shutdown. Is the government shutdown still costing us flyovers?

1:08:29That's the real thing. I'm not worried about the hungry, the 40 million people. They'll figure it out. Not getting food. But it is flyovers for sure. I need flyovers.

1:08:38Shane Gillis:Yeah, that's fucking bullshit. That's bullshit. And I also, I need war with Venezuela. Those are the things I need. Yeah. Dude, remember I said we're going to go to war with the cartels? That's not Venezuela, but they're talking like cartel wars. They're blowing up boats saying those are cartel boats. Yeah, man. That's coming. Yeah. I knew that was down the pike, man. You're saying you called it? I called it. When? Dude, like a year ago. I was like, we're going to go to war with the cartels. I think he did that a year ago. I think he named them terrorists really well I guess it would have been this administration my prediction was that that way the United States can control the opioid production and then legalize heroin here and then cure homelessness opioid crisis by handing out basically government controlled heroin so it's like they're going to attack all the people down in Mexico doing the cartels and they're going to take over the supply and just be like look let's just like legalize this and control it you want to legalize it They don't legalize.

1:09:40Legalize.

1:09:40Shane Gillis:Legalize the crocodile, man. You need to Charlie Sheen the homeless. Start fucking slowly, you know, making it less potent. Yeah. They don't respond well to that. They usually. Yeah, I mean, it's also, there's no way it's getting less potent. They have something stronger than fentanyl now. Yeah. They have the new thing that's like 50 times stronger than fentanyl, which was like 50 times stronger than heroin. So, yeah, they're still rocking. They're rocking in the free world for sure. They are. They really are. Imagine getting to the point where heroin's not enough. I just, I mean, heroin seems, what, heroin is that easygoing, relaxed one now?

1:10:18It's just heroin.

1:10:20Shane Gillis:Yeah, I think heroin's like, yeah, I guess it's not enough. I guess it's more of a gentleman's drug now. Sophisticated. Well, there was also, people say when you have things illegal and you crank the pressure up in terms of like, you know, you get so much jail time for heroin, so then it incentivizes making things stronger in smaller doses so you can sneak less of it but get more bang for your buck. So I think as long as it's illegal, they're going to keep ramping that up. I've been watching Singapore video. Lee Kuan Yew, I think was his name, but the Singapore-y prime minister. He ran a one-party state in Singapore for a long time.

1:10:51People were saying, you've got to stop executing people who come to the country with drugs. How many families are lost to these drugs? How many people are killed because we don't kill? He was a hard man. You love that. Why? I don't approve of You love a strong man Yes, I love a strong man I've been in trouble for this before I don't know what it is that comes out of me Every time I see a strong charismatic man Say bold steps have to be taken I like that

1:11:23Shane Gillis:Trump is getting into that now Where he's talking about killing drug traffickers He's like, we'll kill them, they'll be dead He's getting into that back as well He mentioned that a while ago He did that recently too bringing it back yeah he brought it back yeah because that guy yeah that one guy gets to do it all the time where he's just like we they just started killing all like the drug traffickers duerte whatever the fuck his name is uh duterte i don't know he's gone now though is he out but yeah trump's talking he wants to get in on that action well he wants the bold man like kill him you've been fucking bombing some boats have you seen that no the cartel video just fucking dang drone striking any yeah is i didn't know venezuela was a big cartel hub as well uh i don't know columbia is yeah i think and then i guess yeah but no it's it's all i think it's an excuse for some reason to go to war with venezuela fucking what's his name was who's the gay guy from south carolina lindsey graham was just calling for it really yeah they really want i think our fleet is going to venezuela right now oh crap what the hell that would be they better They're not.

1:12:31It's not good. Yeah, we don't need to be stoking up. What the fuck would we fight them for?

1:12:35Shane Gillis:Yeah, especially with all China and Russia then buddying up. If Israel has calmed down, you've got, you know, you need another war somewhere. You can't just have one war going. Yeah, is Israel done? I thought there was still some stuff going on with that. I thought they were winding that up. I think Israel's not afraid to break a ceasefire. Yeah, I think they're still fired up. I don't think either side is really afraid to break a ceasefire down there. True. They're living in the free world. Hopefully, maybe Israel will send us aid if all the benefits get taken away. Maybe Israel will send some aid here.

1:13:03Shane Gillis:That'd be nice. I did just find out. They didn't get involved in Iraq. Who? I thought Israel would have sent troops to Iraq with you. Israel does not send troops to any American war. Well, they're busy. They're all used up. They are busy. They've got a lot on. Yeah. The one thing I like that the IDF does is they post, or just Israel, they post like hot chicks. Oh, the fine. And they're like, I'm Jewish. What do you have to say about me? what the hell what the fuck is that all about you've never seen the hot idf i feel like i've seen that but i know they're going that's that i thought it'd be like join the idf like check out a little bit of that but they're also like i'm israeli do you hate me and it's just the hottest chick you've ever seen it's like no yeah well no i love you yeah clearly they're not no they had it coming you're not doing the wrong thing fuckers yeah that's also weird to be on the offensive as a military you know what i mean like our united states military is not like what are you racist bitch and just show like a jacked black guy it's like I think they did do that for a little while yeah I don't know if you've seen the commercials yeah 2020 they were hitting some wild shit that's crazy I never I would never it's just weird as a military to be like obsessed with like would you guys mad at me it's like dude do your job honestly they're posting hot checks and be like are you still mad and they're like no it's working come here come here I forgive you IDF just keep posting babes Did you find some?

1:14:28Seems like they're pivoting a little At least on Instagram

1:14:30Shane Gillis:No more babes? Couldn't find many babes It's more just like Other stuff Like what? Tanks These videos being like That video you saw of a baby Getting his head ripped off It's fake Yeah, yeah I know they'd hit those videos Yeah, it's literally like It's just like soldiers What the hell? They post like Yeah, I'm not a baby Yeah, that's crazy, man What the hell is that all about Dude they're so hot Dude he found the babes in two seconds All you have to do is google hot IDF female soldiers I was looking on I was looking on Instagram But I have seen the babes They were doing TikTok dances for a while In their fatigues It is funny to be like kind of Coming to some sort of like IDF babes are That's a good move That's good propaganda Yeah cause I stay out of things I don't want to get involved in this politically Cash Patel is married to one, isn't he?

1:15:25Shane Gillis:An IDF babe? Pretty sure. I think. Yeah. What? That's their strongest weapon is their babes. Yeah. One of them, at least. They do use babes. Sometimes underage, and then they film you.

1:15:41Gotcha. True. Gotcha. All right. That's good, Ender.

1:15:47Shane Gillis:On to the Patreon. Chimes. Bye. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.

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