Ep 585 - Son of a Governor

20:05Shane Gillis:See what You had like a bad Messy ass And you couldn't leave And you knew It was unfinished business No I was I drank too much whiskey Yesterday and had 7-Eleven wings And that's a That's a travesty Jesus Christ On my guts Yeah The mayor went nuts On a bottle of whiskey Yesterday Like Why We were just Hanging out drinking But He had like a Chalice cup And I swear Chalice cup will get you Yeah chalice cup Was like Chalice cup's fun Yeah Yeah, goblet during D &D. Yeah. Get a goblet of whiskey. Bring forth your whiskey. You guys still doing fucking gay D &D? We did it yesterday. No, no, no. I mean, like, literally.

20:42Like, gay? Actually, homosexual. Because Jabri was here telling me all about the way these guys play. They have to, like, roll the dice to see what part you finish on the other guy. That happened one. Andy did it one time. That's fucking crazy. That's a fun bit. That was a fun bit. Bad guy walked in. Andy rolled to call him to death. That was a long time ago. He didn't know the rules. We take it seriously now. We were on an adventure. So you blacked out on whiskey playing D &D. It was kind of the best. And then 8, 7, 11 wings, and then you're late to this because you're taking a bunch of shits.

21:20My car got towed last night, too. It was a terrible day. Probably for the best.

21:25Shane Gillis:From the report, it sounds like that was like the best possible outcome where were you at the creek no it was uh parked in my friend's house in the yeah pat deuce's place in the uh complex and they took it dang did you get it back yeah all right so what's your what's your party score on right now out of 10 are you like out of nine out of 10 of the party or like what do you mean if you had to like score your personal party right now like how hard your party oh i didn't party that hard oh it's probably like a three four It was a three? I thought you drank a ton of whiskey. That was a nine at least, bro.

22:02We crushed like a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey in like four hours. Well, man, what would your 10 be if that's your three? What's a 10? There has to be a fire somewhere. Like a fire, an active fire going on. That's a 10. 10? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Fucking. whatever

22:34well that's good stuff alright what else is going on

22:37Shane Gillis:not much man what the hell is going on with me right now oh dude I'm trying to get in the thousand pound club right now that's nice I never heard of the thousand pound club I had a thousand pound club t-shirt bro high school dude deadlift squat bench high school I probably was a thousand pound club in high school too we cheated we had the fucking I wasn't We had the We had the hex bar For deadlift Did you Look I'm not against The hex bar I It's You can get way more You can Yeah that's true You can get a lot more But yeah I'm sure That's my goal By my 40th birthday Thousand pound club So I'm at 750 I'll get it for sure Yeah you get that I'll get it for sure Squat's tough Squat Squat kind of fucking sucks I kind of like Dude I'll be honest You do have thick Fucking cheeks I have You're probably good Thick cheeks And thick legs So I kind of like it But my back man Like Yeah Kind of hurts I did like 265 and that was like, I'll be able to get three plates, I think.

23:27That's nice.

23:28Shane Gillis:If I do three plates, I don't know. I have to do a lot more because bench is my weakness. I'm like a centaur, dude. Puny human arms. That's good, though. Yeah, it'll be fun. It's exciting stuff. It has been, man. It's been really, I'm eating now like I'm in the NFL. I'm eating so much. Welcome to the club, dude. You've joined the boys. I was already eating pretty heartily dude Instead of powerlifting we're playing D &D And drinking a goblet of whiskey and then going I need more Calories I need to bulk up I'm just worried my bulk doesn't Turn into the Hulk man I'm telling you I might turn into the Hulk You might turn into the bulk I'd give anything for you to just Just get thick as fuck dude Pause Pause I want you Thick I might have never lifted this heavy So I might fucking balloon out It'd be nice Are you taking creatine?

24:29Shane Gillis:Oh yeah Yeah you're gonna Balloon out I'm taking creatine And I'm taking my Natural tea booster So I'm all endogenous dude Fuck you I'm all endo So It's not really doing anything I'm just kidding I just wake up fucking crazy hard It's like Tonga Dali And all that stuff Yeah Just wake up just rocked It's nice of you Bricked Yeah Worked up That's good to hear Sore legs Sore legs Stiff That's good Wake up and go Fuck yeah Yeah Can't wait to get To the thousand pound club When I'm 40 No one can stop me I'm jacked It's time to read politics On the internet I'm so strong But no It has been nice That's been a That's been a fun one Goes to my head If I lift for like Two weeks I'm just like Dude have I People notice How jacked I am right I think I'm like an eight year old Where's that, Wahlberg?

25:22Shane Gillis:Immediately. You lifted for two weeks. I know, I know. I can lift once and be like, dude, for real, I think people might be able to tell right now. Dude, I was watching, I had some Fox News on TV, and there's a Wahlberg commercial for the, what's the prayer app called? Here's a prayer app. Does he have a prayer app? Yeah, and he just goes, hi, I'm Mark Wahlberg. Pray with me. And then he just says a prayer. It's kind of sick. It's a television commercial. That's crazy. what's it called yeah like h-a-l-o be that name dang how does it work i'd be curious to see how it works i think it starts asking for some tithes tithes tithes yeah i think eventually that's a little pay to pray really just like christ intended i'd be i might do indulgences i like yeah yeah yeah get yourself out of hell you pay the church to get you out of there but it's good is trying to get people to pray.

26:20That's good.

26:21Shane Gillis:It's nice. It is weird to try to get... Are you sure there's tithes? I think there might be tithes. I don't know. That'd be nuts. I feel like they would steal your information. I'd like to know what people are confessing. I'd start a nap for that. Ooh, confess your nap? Yeah, you can confess. That's nice. And I'll sell that third-party information to someone else. Yeah. As soon as they confess one thing, you go, alright, Venmo me. Venmo me$300. yeah I started listening to the bible on audiobook me too did you really fell asleep pretty quick yeah Genesis is a slot starting with all those fucking names he bequeathed him and fucking he had him I finally made it through the names to Abraham and yeah a lot of debauchery going on dude I didn't realize I thought you know who was it Lot when Lot's wife turned to salt and then his daughters trick him and have sex with him get pregnant i was just like all right here comes god's wrath they're like nah man they're actually doing really well they're like all right what the hell is that all about yeah that's where lots like fuck my daughters instead of this angel yes a lot offers up his daughters to the angels so sick god's like that's actually pretty fucking hot ass angel came down the whole town was like outside a lot's door like let us fuck that guy we're gonna fuck that guy I know, it was crazy.

27:42Yeah. They had that coming, dude. They deserved it. They need to be sold.

27:46Shane Gillis:There's a new guy in town. I need some booty relief. Booty relief is such a nice term. Did you ever see that old black guy? He was in prison for a long time. He was on Instagram now. Somebody's talking about booty relief? He's talking about booty relief. What the fuck is that? You guys know what I'm talking about? Huh? Felice Johnson. Yeah, Felice Johnson. I'm talking about booty relief. What's going on? What is that? Oh, this guy has a 12-inch penis. He's been in jail for a long time. Oh, no. He just says, Hitler, America. You ever watched the Boondocks? There's that one episode, The Booty Warrior, where the guy was like, I see you.

28:18I like you. He's a real guy, and he's out of jail, and he's a menace. Yeah, he's out now? Yeah, he's out. He's really menacing. Hitting people with booty relief outside of the conference.

28:28Shane Gillis:Dude, he said he's like, he also holds it down. He's like, I'm not gay. He's like, I was just in jail. Then he'll be like, I swear to God, some booties are better. They're the best I've ever had. He needs to be turned into a pillar of salt. someone needs to raise his wherever he lives really bad oh yeah he's raise his lamb someone needs to raise his 12 inch booty relief god damn yeah he would say he was just like you would tap dude him explaining it is the funniest shit in the world like i'm just tapping him i said hey man i'm gonna need some booty relief he's like the guy goes god and that's all it is damn it okay just don't fucking hit me again please please stop hitting me that's all he said he did he said he fought gambled booty those three things sounds like he didn't rehabilitate at all he just committed grievous sins the entire time he truly didn't rehabilitate whatsoever but he is very funny it's very funny yeah it sounds funny i was like missing his front teeth Just like, man, some booties I had are better than any other girl I ever had.

29:39Shane Gillis:I had some good booty in that jail. But he said ever since he's out of jail, no more booty relief. That's good. Strictly for the ladies right now. That's good. Yeah, he was in jail for what, like 15 years? He was in jail for a long time. It's not funny, but I've talked about it before. But I always think me and Blizz were just dying laughing because this guy got, it's not funny. He got some booty relief, but they packed his ass with peanut butter. For like lube, I guess. What? And we were just, he got like knocked out and he woke up with peanut butter in his ass. But then it's just like, just somebody knocking somebody out and somebody else be like, get the peanut butter.

30:15It's not funny, nevermind. I'll take it back, but you know what I mean. It's not funny. It's funny to just pack someone's ass.

30:20Shane Gillis:Having your butthole filled with peanut butter is objectively funny. Lube I'm questioning is like, peanut butter for lube? I don't know. It's like, it doesn't even go down your throat. You know what I mean? You probably choke on peanut butter. So I wonder. Maybe it was just a mean thing to do afterwards True Just a little prank Yeah, maybe it was natural peanut butter It was just the oil Get that organic peanut butter Quick, get the peanut butter Motherfuckers knocked out Go Not the shit with the palms Packed ass Getting packed up with peanut butter, man That's tough Take forever to get that out of your butt You know what I'm saying?

30:58Shane Gillis:Yeah That'd be tough Some chunky Yeah May God smite whoever packs me with a chunky peanut butter, bro. Please. I would cry unto him, dude. Pray for a peanut allergy and go, jokes on, bags on you. True. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. You and I make decisions every day, but on PrizePix, being right can get you paid. Don't miss any of the excitement this holiday season. PrizePix has it all. Whether you like basketball, football, college football, hockey, UFC, you can find it all on PrizePix. Like seriously, even the Tank Davis vs. Jake Paul fight this weekend is up on PrizePix. PrizePix is simple to play.

31:40Shane Gillis:Just pick more or less on at least two-player stats. If you get your picks right, you could cash in. Matt, and here's a new feature to get hyped on. PrizePix now has early payouts. If your player gets off to a hot start, you now have the option to cash those winnings before the game even finishes. That sounds perfect. Download the PrizePix app today and use code Drench to get$50 in lineups after you play your first$5 lineup. That's code Drench to get$50 in lineups after you play your first$5 lineup. PrizePix. It's good to be right. It's good to be right. Yes. Oh, yeah. I think this weekend at Madison, Wisconsin, I believe there's an early show for sale.

32:23Shane Gillis:Everything else is all sold out, but let me see here. Let's check it out, guys. Yep, Comedy on State, Madison, Wisconsin. I believe there's an early show. Springfield Comedy Club, back on the map. Back on the map. They're going to honor the tickets that people bought before the whole place imploded. Springfield Comedy Club, the righteous people of Springfield Comedy Club have come, and they've brought me back to Springfield, Missouri, honoring all previous tickets. That's a fun show. Yeah, it's going to be awesome. Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse, New York. I'll be there also. Please come out, guys.

32:52Shane Gillis:Mavacusker.com. Thank you. December 12th, I'll be in Boise, Idaho. December 13th I'll be in Portland, Oregon And then the next Then I'm on a little break Until The January Madison Square Garden So Yeah, hopefully those Hopefully I don't Choke and ruin it And blow it Fuck it Nah, if you can handle If you can handle Gaming on the stream Fuck it Madison Square Garden Fuck it Well You guys got anything You want to say? You got any shows? What do you got, brother?

33:30We got Optimum Noctis coming up next week, and it's the first and third Tuesday of every month at the Creek in the Cave in Austin, Texas. First and third? Now you guys doubled the Optimum Noctis. Yes, sir. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Optimum Nocti. Yeah, now it's Optimum Nocti. Yeah, I didn't think about that. Then I'm going to Chicago and Atlanta in December. I forget when they are, but the tickets will be up soon. So if you want to come to that, please come. Thank you very much. All right. Good job, Sean. Thank you. All right. Thank you, everybody. That's a wrap on set. That's a wrap on Sean Garvey.

34:07Shane Gillis:I'll set me up. He's all mad. He's claiming there is a company that is selling medicine for peanut allergies. Guess what the medicine is? Peanuts. He said it's 100%. They're 100 % selling peanuts. So it's like a vaccine. Kind of, yeah That's how vaccines Yeah Yeah, pretty much Give him a small dose of peanuts Yeah Give him a peanuts breath Alright He was fired up He texted me He goes, can you fucking believe this shit? And I was like, yeah, for sure Yeah, that's how that works Yeah, I could definitely see them Yeah But yeah, that was really the Kind of solution to the whole peanut allergy I was like, let them eat peanuts Give them peanuts Yes So Were you worried about that with your children?

34:49No Yeah

34:50Shane Gillis:Because I didn't have a peanut allergy So I was like, they'll be fine And I gave it to them super early where I was just like... See what happens. Yeah. See what's good. That shit is annoying, dude. Like, trying to pack lunches for them, you can't have any peanut products. It's like... Because then it's like tree nuts versus coconut. It's like the point where we're like, bro, like, they got to do this. Yeah, that sucks. You got to eat this shit. But if my kid had a peanut allergy, I would give them like a prophylactic tongue cover. Like a dental dam. A dental dam. Like a dental dam, but for peanuts.

35:20Shane Gillis:Yeah, for peanuts. For peanuts, yeah. Of course. you know that would be the safest that's the only thing you can do I would do a mask and a dental dam yeah on my toddler and that would just kind of grease their whole body so that like they would you know that way if they slipped it would fall they'd be totally safe you know what I mean yeah fully I'm saying if someone tried to abduct your kid if you had them covered in baby oil because if they see that if they see that dental dam they're going to go they're fucking they're they're ready and then you lube them up you go good luck catching them yeah they make a bar so yeah right out of their heads watch out that might get them going too

36:06all right yeah anyway i'm telling you man the caffeine had me fucked up

36:13Shane Gillis:i've been subdued under the heel of fucking evil caffeine yeah caffeine is dude that shit is not where it's at for me personally yeah that's for everybody for me it was like stealing my energy man i would have yeah you do crash dude i crash so hard then it's like either drink another coffee then you get bad sleep for me again personally i would get bad sleep and then i wake up and chase the dragon again and it was like i got to the point where i was like dude i this shit isn't for me yeah and i feel so much better well that's good yeah because i knew you were struggling with that i was it's good yeah i'm free i'm free from the clutches although the demon nicotine still has It's hooked I was off that as well Nicotine rules But I was crying to Sean The whole time this weekend I was like man I'd really like my nicotine tablets Before the show It's really nice having those It just makes my mind a lot sharper And I kept being like You know He was just like I think I have one of those things You gave me before And then he didn't He didn't have He built me up Fucking slammed me down Fucker Yeah You fuck

37:16Oh good call Amir He's clearly done talking He's his hands in my mic

37:24Shane Gillis:Yeah I might start taking 7-0-H Did you ever take that before? Never even heard of it Dude apparently there's this shit It's Kratom But they turn it into like a super concentrated Don't start taking fucking Kratom I'm obviously not This is No This is a bit dude This is a bit Yeah that's the thing about me man You don't know when I'm being serious about That's what it's like It gets me in a lot of trouble I hear you Sometimes I'm just There's like a term for that When like you know you don't really know the person's serious and it's like a dramatic term something from you know being a cunt this guy sucks it's tough to talk to him I don't know if he's fucking with me no if that doesn't work then I slip into a British accent and usually the party goes crazy the party goes nuts let me hear that dude let me hear that British accent hello hello I try to watch Peaky Blinders again oh dude that's all you need it sucks I used to love it well no one would have turned dudes into is kind of tough yeah it's like sex in the city at sex in the city ruin a generation of women peaky blinders one generation crushed sex in the city is continued true still going yeah uh peaky blinders probably still going yeah so people still on the peaky blinder shit the one episode because i remember season two being awesome isn't that the one with tom hardy yes so i started that the first they go into like a party in london and like beat the fuck out of everyone in there of course on the way out the the young one kiss is one of the babes and they're just like let's have a fucking night on the town peaky blinder style i was like damn this is crazy they're leaving birmingham and they're in a car and the brother stands up and he's like buy all of the peaky blinders what going on holiday it's that's so arthur that's yeah arthur it's so arthur dude yeah that uh yeah i i don't like the like constant slow cool walks in that show a lot of them they walk through industrial london their sparks flying they're just like yeah all right we get it these guys are the coolest guys fucking yeah they're the coolest guys industrial london i'll give it another shot because it did rule yeah it was fun to watch it did rule but i'm saying now that i just know yeah there's dudes dressing like him i can't watch the big biner's wedding i can't damn they gotta regret that so much like a cool show you go that's what we're gonna do the groomsmen are gonna dress like the current cool show you go fuck this show stinks we're gonna dress up all these uh these fat tree guys

39:56this guy damn it sucks to be the one groomsman that has like half a brain that's like this is so embarrassing you know but everyone else is doing it so i gotta wear a trench coat in a fucking Jeff cap and a vest with a fucking watch. A pocket watch. You got to try to talk to the women after the wedding.

40:17Shane Gillis:Yeah. Some of the bridesmaids are probably hot. I wonder if any of the guys ever like went to their head. Definitely. I'm sure someone got stuck. They just get completely... You put that fucking... You put that outfit on and there's no way you're not doing it. You're drinking a fucking goblet of whiskey going... You're at a wedding with your girlfriend and six left. The car got towed. You're with your girlfriend at a wedding, you've known her for six months, the end of the night, you're like, psh. There's got to be some black Peaky Blinders. Oh, for sure. I'd like to take a look at that. Sinners.

40:47Yeah, good call.

40:48Shane Gillis:Sinners was just an excuse for black dudes to do Peaky Blinders. Yeah. I never thought about that, LaMere. Good point. You're on fire. Black Peaky Blinders. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Just show me pictures of the black guy in Peaky Blinders. You're going to come across LaMere in the first day. Yeah, let's actually Damn, these Peaky Blinders outfits suck ass They fucking suck ass I'm actually an accountant Bro Oh my god, dude In the full Airbnb apartment Oh my god Rocking the Peaky Blinders Dude, imagine popping off the Peaky Blinders garb And then you just can't get hard Oh yeah, trust me, I can imagine that That's why I'm not allowed to wear the piggy blinders, dude I would just lean into it Like, oh, I've seen a lot of things Yeah, I was in World War I I breathed in mustard Also, they're chugging whiskey the whole time There's no way any of these dudes had boners The piggy blinders are soft I know You can't get a boner and drink that much whiskey You really can't I'm with my brothers Me and all my brothers are soft right now We drank too much duos It happens But I guess the Wops Did the fucking Sopranos too Yeah Sopranos suits and shit For your wedding Oh yeah yeah That's fair I didn't think about that I think they just Don't they just dress like that Anyway I think they kind of do But I bet they I bet they Wop it up It's kind of like Sopranos gave me My uncle Yeah He did some things Yeah that's their I've said it a hundred times That's their favorite thing I would love to just Really investigate Every Italian's connections With the mafia start a documentary turns out they're all lying do you watch that Philly vs.

42:36the Mob at all no it's pretty great the guy one of the investigators at the start of it one of the detectives he's just like all they talk about is how loyal and all that they are every single one of them is a fucking rat yeah devastating

42:48Shane Gillis:they did all tell on each other for sure yeah who do they talk about like Nicky the Hat and all those guys I forget the guy's name he's still alive yeah I think he owns a steak he's kind of the man so i remember there was um who was the yeah there was like the main guy who got jerry jerry joey merlino got busted that's him yeah merlino got busted and then there was all these guys yeah he's out he's kind of cool that it's about like the young guys going up against the yeah sicilians like the original og wops and then the philly wops are kind of i remember hearing rumors in like 20 yeah around like 2014 2017 like the mob was coming back everyone kept trying to say that like yo the mob's coming back is the mob like whenever they bust these guys they let them they have to get so much on them before they arrest them yeah and i never understood that they sit there and watch them do like they like let them do pretty serious crimes yeah finally like we got you yeah you murdered 12 people we got you on the 12th fucking guy you get them on the first thing i guess they're trying to go for the godfather true trying to get the godfather There was a big one.

43:58Shane Gillis:When I was in college, they got a bunch of bookies, and they were saying, like, that's the last of the mob. And they got, like, crushed. They got caught with, like, hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash. I remember the pictures in the paper, and they were just, like, laughing, getting walked out. They were like, I don't give a fuck. They're awesome. Yeah, like, we're fine. I know. They kind of did rule. They could be wrong, but aren't they saying that NBA gambling scandal has to do with the mob? and maybe the UFC fixing fights and things like that. Really? Still? Yeah, there's a lot of gambling scandals that are coming out now.

44:33There's a pitcher that just got busted. Oh, no. And he was just throwing the first pitch. You can bet on the first pitch being a ball or a strike.

44:41Shane Gillis:Yeah. They offered this guy like fucking 500 bucks. He got no money for this. Really? Somebody was probably like, yo, I'll give you a grand if you just throw a ball. He was like, all right. He got busted. and now he's facing like 60 years in prison. How did they bust him? I'm sure whoever was doing it was probably, it was like a bigger scheme, but I think he probably, you know. Yeah, you're fucked. Sorry, I just perp so loud. No, I'm trying not to cough. Sorry, so while you're doing that, I'm like. Yeah, we're officially an old man podcast. Yeah, I guess this is obviously how this is going to go.

45:21By the end of the day,

45:25what the hell are you talking about i don't have any fucking memorabilia shut up don't fucking say that

45:38Shane Gillis:dude my parents speaking of geezers my parents surprised me in florida that's nice at the show it was sweet although it's my least favorite show the weekend that it popped up and i was just like guys yeah surprise of the show they think is very nice it's just that was nice we chilled sean we all hung out we went on a boat it was nice oh i heard the boat was sick yeah it's pretty tight my dad was showing off for sean he was driving very fast really yeah he was going very fast on the boat yeah you seem scared sean you're smoking that cigarette like it's your last one and he gave me some new lingo he called he calls cigarettes hot snacks which i love hot snacks hot snacks guys that is good lingo step outside for a hot snack yeah it was nice we got to hang out it was uh it's very sweet it was chilling it is nice yeah my dad was trying to extend the chill too long though and i was like bro i must go back and take my little how did your uh how did your mother feel about your your material she told me to stop being fresh yeah she said matt stop being fresh there was some stuff in there man who boy i did not know that i'm very glad they surprised me because i would have pulled back because some of that stuff is a little blue yeah i'm trying to clean it up but right now it's just sometimes you gotta go a little blue it's a little blue just while i'm cleaning you know i'm figuring out it's gonna be squeaky clean by the time it's done but right now it's just a teeny bit blue ain't nothing funnier than some blue i i kind of like it too it's fun yeah especially yeah when you make people deeply uncomfortable about something they don't want to think about but yeah we were doing some battle there were some geezers there i battled you know drunk lady i don't know if i even battled no i battled a big titted drunk lady a little bit she was so far away it was like what did she want to strike from far she just started yelling stuff out yeah yeah i'm trying to make my new hour i'm trying to make it more for everybody but i just i'm pissing girls off i'm trying to talk about girl stuff and they're getting fucking mad at me yeah they don't like it trying to include them talk about stuff they're interested in too well when it's a room full of like their periods when it's a room full of mostly dudes and you're like women are dumb as fuck and every dude in there is like yeah no i've done that i'm not saying you yeah yeah i don't do that i don't do that but i do i do talk about stuff i think they they don't they get uncomfortable you talk about you know their pussies and stuff.

47:47Shane Gillis:Yeah. You got to talk about everybody's pussies. Yeah. Excuse me, man. I'm just trying to, I tell everyone, I'm making a very, you know, trying to keep everyone engaged and talk about guy stuff. Now we're doing girl stuff and we'll go back to guy stuff. Yeah. So he had a large, adoring female crowd still eludes me. So some, it's, it's my quest. Yeah. It'd be nice. Seven arena of white men. Don't get me wrong. I love my white brothers. some babes would be nice for sure man yeah i've seen there's been some babes at shows that are just from snl yeah and i've seen them and i've seen them be extremely uncomfortable you go this is not that guy this is not he was so charming what is this you're basing that off of just seeing them nowhere like shirts oh like designed like couple of beers shirts or like a sketch from snl you guys are here from us and you watch him hit the wall last show i think it was Sacramento there was just four they weren't old they were like older women and they were furious in the front row so I kept like looking over at them and going they were like nope but then they started laughing at some inappropriate stuff and I would turn around go you like that you like pedophile stuff that's crazy yeah there was a lady I thought I could have sworn hated me the like are you looking for support in your weight management journey Zepbound Terzepatide may be able to help.

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51:14Shane Gillis:mint mobile for details through this whole show and then i finally went to talk to her and she was like oh you're fucking hammer yeah yeah i was like the whole time i was over here fucking worried i thought you were pissed off you're just so drunk i'll never forget uh at bananas I had the meanest woman She had like a She had like a buzz cut Almost She had that like old lady Short hair and she was big She was like strong too And her friends were a little unhappy But she was furious And I was like oh you're the one who arranged this huh Because you feel terrible about how bad this is And she was like yeah And I was like I just remember calling her Mike Ditka I said if you're here who's coaching the 1985 Chicago Bears.

52:00Obviously, she didn't get it, but I was like, trust me, when the lights come on, you're going to see how much this lady looks like Mike Ditka, and we're all going to have a laugh. This was like five minutes into my set. The rest of the shit, it was so bad.

52:11Shane Gillis:Dude, that's fucking devastating. Yeah. Yeah, did the audience support the Mike Ditka joke? When the lights came on at the end of the show, everyone honestly laughed. It was, Nate, I think you were at that. Yeah. And that was O 'Connor. O 'Connor, was that the one O 'Connor just did my jokes twice? it was really funny i forget what he was doing but he kept he was going yo you guys like trump hell yeah he said something like that during the first show and i was like what the fuck all right that's a little it's a little close and then he gets off stage he's like dude my bad i want that i was just i was just talking i didn't even think about it i was like no it's fine i don't give a shit second show yo what up hell yeah dude you guys fucking love chugging beers blah blah i was like damn dude that's my whole fucking shit yeah it was a bad show then got up there called a lady mike dick that's awesome i think i fought with the manager i was looking at the wall and there was like a good comedian i forget who it was i was like damn you guys had him here she's like yeah i wish he was here tonight i was like i wish i was somewhere else yeah the fuck ding in the different club no no it was right before the show even still that's even worse yeah i was in the hall and they had like pictures of comedians i was like oh you guys had him she was like yeah I wish he was here.

53:22Shane Gillis:Yeah, I actually remember you telling me that. That's fucking nuts. What the hell is wrong with that lady, man? Yeah. I remember back in the day, I made fun of an older lady. It was like I was doing a bar show in New Jersey, and I made fun of an older lady's shirt, and it was like a crazy, shiny shirt this lady had on. And just, I thought it was pretty funny, but she got really sad, and the whole crowd turned on me. Yeah. And I was like, all right, note to self. Yeah, you can't make fun of older ladies. Can't slam their gear. Yeah. I think she started it, to be fair, that it's kind of like crushed her gear.

53:51Shane Gillis:Yeah, really sad. Yeah, they always start it. You're never just out of nowhere being like, look at this ugly bitch. No, I wouldn't do that. And I was just making fun of her shirt. But yeah, I've been getting attacked here and there. I've been getting kind of, there's been some uprisings against me here in these weekends, but we've been having fun. We've been holding it down. I'm on a new frontier right now. Just go, fuck it, fuck this show. Fuck you. No, I've been having a good time. I honestly have. But yeah, I have a couple of mutinies on my hands. I just have a lady spazzing on me right now I'm glad I missed it In Sacramento Nate Diaz Was just like circling the stage He was like You didn't see me out there I was like no I didn't see you He was like dude I was right there I was like what do you mean He was like I walked around the stage And then he walked around the upper ring And just took pictures with people the whole time I was like dude you're a dickhead That's so fucking funny If I would have seen him I'd be like oh He's very funny his squad was rowdy they were very funny squad's nice I've beat them in action before they were so funny one of them showed up the drunkest I've ever seen really yeah and he stayed alive the entire time dang he showed up like and I was like holy fuck dude I've never seen him like this and then he he was like what are you doing right now and I was like I'm about to go on stage he's like oh shit I forgot I was like yeah dude this is the show I like when that kid projectile vomited the one time Last time I was with you.

55:21Shane Gillis:Oh, in the green room. Yeah. After the show. Projectile vomited. I think that was my cousin's, like, nephew or some shit. And then stayed. Yeah. Just hung the whole time. Yeah. That was one where people were like, is it cool if he comes? And I was like, yeah, that's fine. Fucking threw up everywhere in the green room. Came back. I mean, it was literally, it was a trail that was like 20-something feet long. Yeah, no one cleaned it. Everyone just put paper plates. I know. They were like, be careful. Just put paper plates over the vomit. dude it was like 15 foot trail that he then i think just threw up into his hands he projectiled while he was walking and then just like trying to hold it in his hand so it dripped all the way to the bathroom it's long and he stayed yeah yeah he just chilled just walked right back in i couldn't believe it i was like where is the kid now like oh he's right out there and i was like he didn't leave you think someone would either make him leave or he would want to leave it's crazy that was such a wild move yes just sit there like oh man fucking threw up all over the party I'm just going to sit here That sucks dude The moment Because I would be in denial If I was about to throw up I'd be like Nah me Never Never Not at the after show Not at the green room Not happening No way Not now For like Seven feet in front of me Trying to run to the toilet I can still get Trying to get to the toilet Throwing up Yeah that's That's awful You should have brought him before you Yeah Bring me that boy.

56:48Shane Gillis:Yeah. I would have paused the Xbox and said, where is he? Bring me this boy. Neil, rise of night. Yeah, dude. Me and Gardini's goom sesh in the, for no, G-O-O-M. We're in the airport with the Switch. So nice. Yeah, you can't get, you got a hold of a Switch on the way to Australia and played 15 straight hours of Mario Tennis. I didn't want to say anything. You sure you don't want this? Yeah, I'm all right. I kept asking I'm like yeah you can have this I can see how much you enjoyed it oh my god I was having a blast playing that I know how you get on a switch dude true I get that little switchy but yeah we had the we were sitting there playing and it like I would be like alright dude chill and as soon as I get knocked out of like third place I'm like just packed airport bullshit how many red shells are you gonna fucking get dude I'm only getting green I know I thought it was funny because we saw the guy with the oculus in Austin airport and we were both like look at this fucking piece of shit.

57:46He's literally wearing an oculus. Yes. And he was going like this. And he was scrolling with his fingers. Like literally hitting his finger. It was, dude,

57:52Shane Gillis:I got a picture of him. But it was... LaMare would have no problem hitting the oculus. No. In public. I was thinking about it last time I was on the airplane. I was like, I should pull my... Hit an oculus on the flight? Yeah. It's in my seat. You should do it next time go like this. Anytime you hit bumps. Yeah. Put the oculus on and then just be like...

58:16it's a little 9-11 simulator i was laughing though because then we were in florida flying home and i was like these old people are looking us at us the same way for playing the switch that we were looking at that

58:28Shane Gillis:guy for that old man was loving it dude who were you playing with you strike me as a toadman i do like toad a lot and i got the hamburger head and the new mario kart so i really like that costume but i like lakitu too who's that he's just a little turtle guy but i have a fisherman costume for him so i probably don't want to dude oh my god he's got a ball tap he was going like he was going like that i think there's like a function where you go like this with your fingers he's going i was like bro take it off yeah play a little play a little mario kart in the airport is nothing. That was crazy. Plugged into a truck.

59:06Shane Gillis:Dude, he's from the future. He's got AirPods. Yeah. He's plugged into a portable charger in his suitcase, it looks like. He was literally going. Yeah, he was elsewhere. Yeah, this is a future, man. Yeah, it was pretty crazy, man. He's wearing a cool vest. Yeah, it was pretty nice. It pissed me off so much. I think he was a military guy, though. I was like, maybe he could have been drone striking. Palantir. Yeah, he could have been killing someone. Just getting ready. Good for him. That one was wild, man. Yeah, that's... And he held it for a while. I wouldn't... I didn't put an Oculus on unless I locked my door and was in my room.

59:41Yeah, you would... That's... If anyone saw that. It'd be tough. Wearing a fucking virtual mask is...

59:46Shane Gillis:Especially if I had one on because what I'd be doing with it, I'd have to definitely lock the door. Yeah.

59:56Shane Gillis:Yeah, Chris and Tommy had no problem playing it. That's so funny. I mean, that is... And it does sound kind of fun. Oh, no, he was on... These were Apple Pro Vision. So he was doing Apple Pro augmented reality so he could see you. But it was just like his abs. He was just. Yeah, if somebody's wearing an Oculus in public, you can ball tap. Yeah. You have to. No, these are Vision Pros. But yeah, Oculus would be crazy being totally blind. But he would just go. Jesus Christ. He was just bringing his text closer. enhance yeah it was tough it was a tough look i don't know maybe maybe there's you know i think there's might be babes that are into that kind of shit if you're just fucking completely futuristic maybe you know we'll see someone there's someone for everybody yeah there is just another babe with vision pro you see each other's big emoji screens at each other it'd be nice yeah i didn't realize he was plugged in the whole time yeah he's plugged in dang dude connected to the grid it's fucking crazy yeah the uh yeah apple pro or even oculus in public i would definitely steer away that's crazy no switch two-player switch with the screen on a suitcase totally fine yeah it's fine there's an old man he was 80 years old just watching us play just completely blown away but like what is that thing we're like trying to explain it to him he's like that is so cool that's nice it was really nice and i have we end up sitting next to him on the plane he was a man he was like a almond farmer in sacktown actually oh no from sacktown remember when he was like you guys gotta join the space force because i think you're gonna be able to get to the moon pretty soon yeah he was telling us to go to the moon oh man it's pretty sweet i was like bro i liked his optimism half as old as you he's very optimistic i liked it he was the future is bright i'm so sad i'm not young for this time that's why Yeah He's about to die Yeah He's going damn The future's gonna be so sick I mean So much FOMO True He did a FOMO He did massive FOMO He was playing Mario Kart At the fucking airport Yeah dude Fuck He saw me and Sean would be like Blue shell Yo it's a blue shell He'd be going What the fuck It's a blue shell He'd go and hits the guy in first He's like How do they come up with this shit We're gonna be on Mars in no time Yeah yeah because i'd be sitting there like dude i hit a shortcut and he's probably like what the fuck this guy's a fucking freak it was so this guy must be top gun that was so fun that was man i was sad to be able to put that thing away yeah it's unbelievable gotta get the switchy especially to the stranger be like yo take the controller sean was nice too he was i'm sure kind of killing it man You're a sweaty gamer?

1:02:55Sweaty gamer when it comes to park. You get serious. It's just a gamer. The UFC losses send you home every time. Anytime we play UFC, he loses like three. And he goes, I have to go, actually. No. It's just a gamer. Rips a hot snack and screams.

1:03:14Shane Gillis:We do got to reestablish rank. We haven't reestablished rank. The ranks are settled, dude. I just put on a clinic. It's a power vacuum, did you? No, there's no power vacuum. It's a bloodbath, dude. Someone at the Naples shows was asking us to pod tournament UFC again. Oh, well, their wish could be granted. We could do that right now. No, Nate and I stayed up, had a couple cocktails on Sunday, and I might have beat him 20 straight games. It was bad. It was a bad one. It was a bad one. But I was hammered. I showed up drunk at like 6. That was like 2.30. I showed up. I was drunk. True I was drinking on the plane True Shit Yeah No handicap Yeah Nice try Damn That is my favorite though When you get drunk And someone's beating you In a video game You go Yeah you fucking You feel good about this I did that I got soda with that In like a real way Soda couldn't beat me In NCAA And then we came home From the bar And I was hammered And he's sober Yeah He just beat the shit out of me And it was like 3am I'm just sitting there And I was like You feel real good about this oh you're fucking going yeah i'll run up the score you feel cool and he was like honestly no he's like i don't like this and i was like all right let's go to bed dude you won

1:04:32i don't like yeah he's like dude this sucks you're being like really mean i was losing and being so nasty it's such a funny you think you're fucking tough dude you fucking beat me when i'm drunk Meanwhile I was like Yo let's play NCAA He did run the score off It was fucking brutal

1:04:52Shane Gillis:It's just so funny To have like your remaining faculty And just be like You're a fucking piece of shit You can barely see Just a soda It's so nice It's like you fucking cocksucker dude You think you're really fucking cool Your brain is just like fizzing out And it's just like You know you're a real piece of shit It's like the last four centers are lit up that's so fucking funny that is yeah that'll get you yeah if you're uh if you're drunk and gaming it's not at your best yeah you handled it well he was like Rudy Rudiger he kept being like dude one more play run it back same matchup I was like dude these are first round knockouts with like insane knockouts he would try to go to the ground I would just I had moments where I was locking in I had moments and I kept thinking I was like the next one obviously there's 20 games you're going to get close I agree though if you get knocked out fast I have the same thing where I'm like I know what I did I got your game mapped out let's fire it up and then you get knocked out what am I not thinking of right now maybe when I'm focused enough that I look hard scratch up my...

1:06:11You get knocked out fast, man. You see your guy get knocked out in more clarity. That's all it is. Shit. I know. I was real focused on getting my ass whooped. Yeah, and then he wouldn't leave. He dug in. He lingered. I went to bed while he was still in my house. Were you practicing? I was having a good time. I was watching... He put on Sixers highlights, and then he was like, oh shit, my Uber's 18 minutes away. I was like, I'm going to bed, bro. And then I laid in there and it was so loud. I'm just listening to the lady announcer from the 76ers screaming. She's the best. She is actually really great.

1:06:48Kate's the best. I'm usually very opposed to that. She's a man. She's like one of the top. Oh, really? Yeah, she's good. Yeah, Kate. Oh, no, man. Don't talk about Kate Scott like that. Don't talk about my sweet angel, Kate Scott. Yeah, no, she rules. She's the best

1:07:07Shane Gillis:I've yet to see her Well It's probably an hour huh Yeah It's gotta be Yeah Don't worry about it Nate What are you gonna say no Where are we at Well why the fuck would you do that 59 you say Why the fuck would you do that Well actually No Not an hour Well you did it Well Now What are you saying A little UFC Now the listeners gonna go Oh, that's an hour. Now I finished. They're going to bust at the end. Everybody finished. Go fast right now. We need you to go fast. Don't go so, ooh, you're about to do it. Yes. Well, goodbye. Nice. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify.

1:07:52Do it.

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