Ep 587 - PHIL (feat. Steve Gerben & Chris O'Connor)

25:12Shane Gillis:dancing community cotton eye joe because it's so simple or yeah i think it's probably just it's like hack right i would imagine it's hack yeah well they probably have deep cuts in there they're like oh this guy knows what he's doing yeah i suppose but you gotta come to austin you gotta start with cotton eye joe it's all that's all they're doing down there i i've heard and get down there and cut a rug on a nice southern bell uh yeah i would love this texas babe yeah she'll kiss you okay

25:43Phil you don't know anything about this guy He's a sexual Of course I'm a sexual pervert But that's a thing that I also had to get over You're meant to kiss On the first date What do you mean? That's like a thing that you're sort of supposed to do On a date On a first date You kiss Because if you're the guy you don't go for that It's kind of seen as like Lack of interest And lack of confidence so that was something i had to get over so even if you had one you really didn't want to kiss you'd still go through with it no i probably wouldn't oh but you know like all these facetime dates beforehand this is the thing that bothers i don't know why it bothers you uh i just i don't like that much right now no that's totally fine i get real sad about how the informality or like however the formality of uh online dating yeah it makes me sad that there's no like kismet there's It's just like, okay, and then we FaceTime and we talk to each other and then we say, I'd like to meet at this time and we'll see if we like each other.

26:45I don't know.

26:45Shane Gillis:You got to do the FaceTime thing, though, because otherwise you're going out, you're shelling out date money all over the place. And time with people. The boy's fucking loaded. The boy's rich as hell. Dude. He's a big shot. He's got a big belt buckle with diamonds on it. I don't have a big belt buckle. Do they have a private parking space for you or anything? They do not have a private parking space. Why would you even say that around me?

27:11the FaceTime date works because then you very quickly can determine is this person lying via their pictures and then also do are they weird and you just so it just saves a whole bunch of like I would hate to have to be on a date and instantly know you don't want to be there and then have to like have the full drink be like I gotta go yeah that sounds kind of fun though Yeah, I'd love to be on just a horrendous date that I know. And then you exit. I wouldn't. You know, man. Stick around. We're going to be here until 3. I know the bartenders are going to stay open. We're going to be here until 4.

27:48Then you try to get an Uber out of fucking the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. Fuck, 45 minutes. We got to stay. Yeah, that's. I don't envy the online dating. It's not great. I do hope to. I mean, I shouldn't say it's not great. Like, I've already met. Sure. yeah yeah yeah but uh i would like to meet in person and i need to get a little more comfortable where do you even do that that's line dancing line dancing maybe right yeah your country club yep well it's just all guys it's just all jewish men is it all jewish men it's not jewish it was originally jewish uh mother daughter interactions or anything like that uh i've had none of those okay yeah no it's just your eyes open okay it's just jewish men is there a pool there's a pool

28:35Shane Gillis:you gotta take a lap around the pool after one of your after a round of golf a round of Jewish golf it's not Jewish now it's just at the time when I was there there was a big Star David on the wall no in the window it was like a wreath for the pro shop which is great I only saw a Star David they got a Christmas tree well they should understand that Christ is king but it is interesting because it started off as a Jewish only so all the older guys Jewish only yeah oh yeah god damn because they couldn't get into the other ones in the area yeah so they had to start their own they started their own sure that's very common yeah and then Goliath what do you got?

29:24Gogi what do you got? I got nothing alright got something but the so yeah it's just the older guys are all very Jewish yeah How can you tell? Their voices. What do they sound like?

29:38Shane Gillis:Oh, God, a bogey. Oh, Lord. This club in my hands. It hurts. I'll take a six. Yeah. There you go, Phil. Phil, you're fired from your job, but fuck it. It was time to retire anyway. Getting there. Yeah. It's good to go out getting fired at your age. Yeah. Getting fired is funny. for an old man to get fired from his job for doing a Jewish impression on a podcast is fucking hilarious. I'll take a six. Phil, can we talk? We need you to come into the office. You're fired. Yeah. But it's also extremely accurate. Yeah. Well, how about your Thanksgiving? You were talking a little bit about some of your participants.

30:26I don't want to throw anybody. You're nuts on here. What? You're crazy on here. No. No, you do. I mean, you can. I'd prefer not to. Yeah, that's why you do that. I'm happy to throw myself under the bus for anything. No, no, no, no. That's one of those. Yeah. That should be off limits. Hopefully we get some of that, though. I'd love some political fighting at Thanksgiving. Well, we got the participants. I'm down to do it. I love it. Down to do it. I love it. Yep. We'll get you going and then. We get both sides. we do have a nice mix yep i like though but everyone drinks so everyone really gets out of pocket at night okay i had a nice battle with my my uncle and my aunt one year it was wonderful but it feels like everybody would be very communicative like it wouldn't be passive aggressive it would just be aggressive well it's just yeah it's pretty aggressive what happened is this is jones okay but again they're gonna hear that well they can hear it but but uh so she she She and Shane are going after each other on the political stuff, you know.

31:29And all of a sudden, you know, this is after like three or four hours of drinking. And this is three or four hours after the Thanksgiving meal. And Shane is arguing with her, talking. And all of a sudden, he starts talking like Trump. And she's like a dog. Like, she turns her head. Like, she's trying to understand. Like, is this really Trump talking? Like, she's all screwed up. It was hilarious. It was hilarious. Yeah, it was fun to argue with her as Trunk While she was hammered on wine Yeah Like she was like Oh Oh Shut up I'm gonna get a little quiet piggy at Thanksgiving At the table At the table Quiet piggy That'll be chaos

32:14Shane Gillis:You should gamify it You should just have like little cards Yeah Around the house Yeah Hot button issues Yeah I'll find it myself Oh yeah Ukraine you love that me and Chris got in we had a nice political debate again same one that's what we do we go out we hang out for hours fifth hour in we go you suck and just have a political debate about illegal immigration for four hours and we were with the other writers on the show on tires and like he was I hate to, I don't even want to say what you said to me. It was so hurtful. He went low. And I went high. I went back with, I'll beat the fuck out of you.

33:06Obviously, I would never hit him, and he knows that. But the people we're with were all like, oh, my God. What are these guys doing? I was like, you say some shit like that to me, I'll fucking punch you in the fucking mouth, dude. The whole staff left. Well, just a bunch of drunk guys are like, Shane! yeah that's that's been tough trying to have like fucking heart-to-hearts with people yeah someone just comes i was like dude what's up i'm like what's up man i'm good

33:29Shane Gillis:yeah we also didn't even notice that they left we were arguing for like 20 minutes fucking left fucking losers they don't want to have fun like us i was saying i i truly think i understand what uh like hot women go through now given my daily experience like when we go out I don't know how Shane takes it. Again, it's not that. They're all staring at my jokes. It's not that I'm not unbelievably grateful for people to be fans of the show and all that and want to meet and take pictures. But then once they get to a level of intoxication, they're just like, don't leave you. You should have seen the squad we assembled at Ryan's.

34:12I'm sure. And they're right here. We had a rough squad. Yeah. It was a girl. Okay. So they're the ones that are like, this is a problem. Okay. Like a guy, you can be like, dude, get the fuck out of here. Right. If they're hammered and being rude. This was a girl that was just like, kept taking her phone out and sticking it in my face.

34:31Shane Gillis:And just like, come on, make a fucking TikTok with me. And I was like, you got to stop. And then Chris kept taking her phone and dropping it into the other booth. And she was like, ah! Oh, man. And I was like, Chris, stop, stop. Yeah, the women are sometimes the most aggressive. like the one that was they love pretending they don't know what they're doing okay you know but anyway it's just something that i you get that experience of like when i when i was working out the gym which i had to stop doing because just like guys would come up guys yeah we're in a conversation i can't get out of yeah you know uh there you're equating that to being a hot chick if you go to a bar and having everybody everybody in your face and whatever but no hot chicks are yeah they got it worse it's 100 % the whole time outside of the bar walking down the street and your friend's dad is going 13 and a guy's fucking staring at your test right that's weird it's just a totally different reality the worst I don't get it that much but if I'm hung over as hell unshowered, stinky just trying to grab a coffee, just trying to slip it.

35:43Shane Gillis:This episode is brought to you by Viore. All right, we got to tell you guys about this brand, Viore. You want to know another good marketing idea? Go ahead. You got a marketing idea or something? When the teas hit your eyes like a big pizza pie, it's Viore. That's Viore. I mean, the guy's hired me. Goddamn, dude. I know. Matt, can you tell me something about the core shorts? Oh, my God. For example, gym, couch, quick run out. They just work. All right. That's what they just work. What about the Strato Tech T? I would say ridiculously soft, like suspiciously soft. Everything is the perfect combo of comfort, but still looking like we didn't completely give up.

36:21Shane Gillis:Oh, God. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God, Viore. Viore.com slash secret and discover the versatility, the verse nature of Viore clothing. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. That's Viore. Matt. Let's do it. Who the f*** is this episode brought to you by? Rocket money. Rocket money.

36:47Shane Gillis:It's so overwhelming to organize finances for me personally because I just get so distracted with all the numbers. I get distracted. There's too many numbers. I just love using rocket money. Because rocket money is so helpful. It's saving users over$880 million in canceled subscriptions. I always forget about canceled subscriptions. Yeah, me too. Users who create a financial goal with Rocket Money save over$70 in average within the first 30 days. $70 first 30 days. Hell yeah. You got to set your financial goal. Guys, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

37:30Let Rocket Money help you with your financial goals faster. Join at rockin' money Dot com slash mssp That's rockin' money Dot com slash mssp And the business is like Hey can we get a picture of you For our Instagram page And you're like yeah Fuck it yeah It's just the worst They have it on the wall Next time you're there You have just a dark red face Like Oh shit You're so gracious about it I don't know how people are not

38:01Shane Gillis:You have to be right It's not that you have to be It's just what other What are you a fucking psycho somebody comes up and they're like I'm a big fan of tires can we get a picture absolutely it's awesome it's weird to me when people say no maybe I'll get there I don't think I will you think you'll be there already yeah saying no would ruin my night I'd feel so bad yeah anyway Phil how do you handle it because now you're a big man oh yeah you are you're tossing out tickets left and right to all my shows you really

38:41that's crazy to do that and they'd be like they're not selling today you gave out six tickets to this I'm going to tonight I can't give tickets to my friends your friends are already they already know you're they know what you're like and seen you and hang out with you these are some other people that are nice people and they went to buy tickets talking to the mic so they didn't have a chance to buy tickets I mean, I guess it sold out real quick, and it's a small venue. And you don't get near Mechanicsburg, Harrisburg too often anymore. So I said I'll give Gracie a call and see what she can do.

39:20Shane Gillis:Expanding the fan base. Yeah. He's not. He's giving out tickets to guys from the local bar. That's all he does. There's fucking five of these guys at every show. They're in my green room. Yeah. I get done with the show, and I go, those are guys from Mechanicsburg. But he's got to be able to do that. That's community stuff. That's right. If it's a huge, if it's a big venue, I'm all for it. Right. Tonight's like 150, 200 seats. Yeah. That's a lot. I said put them in the back or have them stand. That's what I said to Grace. Yeah. They just wanted to get in. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's all right. I appreciate what you do.

39:55Shane Gillis:Do they get fired up getting into the show? Huh? Do they get fired up when they get into the show? No, who's friends? They don't give a fuck. They don't? They come to the show, they go, yeah, that was good. and they take all my beer. They like it. And they take all my beer. That's how I knew you were back on the booze, by the way. Did I tell you that? Uh-uh. I think it might have been Pittsburgh or something. Some of your boys from the bar were at the show. And they were like, how's your dad doing? And I was like, he's good. He'd lost a lot of weight. That's, you know, whatever. That's in the past now.

40:25That was quick turnaround, dude. Yeah. You lost him. I went up a weight class. You lost him. Yeah, you went down. You fought middleweight for a week. I was getting beat up, so I went back up. You went back up anyway. But no, I was like, it's good. He's healthy, and he's not drinking, which is great. And they were like, we were at the bar with him last night. I was like, that motherfucker. No, I didn't. I didn't have a drink for over 100 and some days. Whoa. After my surgery. Right. I didn't even want to drink it. Nothing. But things change. It's football season. Yeah, football season. Pretty soon it'll be NBA's coming on.

41:03Yeah. And then, you know, there's no sports on. What the fuck are we going to watch? That's my problem. Like, if I could take time off of it, I go, I don't even need this. And then I have it one night. And I go, why every single night now? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway. It sucks. It's kind of a spectrum on this couch.

41:23Shane Gillis:That's the spectrum. Yeah. We had a three-game stretch. Me and Chris had a nice road trip. Three days straight. Yeah. That was tough. I'm regretting this Tuesday night. We're going to have a couple drinks tonight. But Friday was wonderful. Saturday was wonderful. Saturday was wonderful. But Sunday was. Sunday was the one you should have skipped. Sunday was definitely one we should have skipped. And we knew from the start that it was exactly where it was going to go. And we kept talking to ourselves like, all right, we're not going to drink. We're going to just get lunch. Yeah. Then we leave lunch and it's like, all right, let's go to the fucking pub.

42:02We'll have two and watch the first half of the game. Then I got to leave. I got to train to catch. Three beers and we go, ooh, I'm starting to feel like myself again. We're back. Yeah. It was a good night, though.

42:16Shane Gillis:Four of the dies cast. Four of the dies. It's out of our hands. Yeah. There's nothing we can do. Going down the bad road. Starting to feel good. It's starting to feel good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's kind of pathetic and sad, but fuck it. What's not? It was nice at the time. It was great. Bringing people out to a show. I remember there was, back when I was doing stand-up, I was opening for Paul Mooney. I was like the guy that opened for Paul Mooney at Helium. That's crazy. Yeah. He's so funny. Yeah. Yeah, he's awesome. He is. He's, yeah. He's not somebody I would go back and listen to that much.

42:50Yeah. Yeah, I like his appearances, though, on radio. He's just bothering people. Right. And it worked on me. The first couple of times I heard him, I was like, this fucking racist motherfucker. Like, it worked on me. I was like, this guy fucking hates white people. And then you get older and you realize he's literally just fucking with people. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure he didn't like white people. But it's funny. Yeah. I mean, anyway, you were like me enough to bring me back. But so there was a hairdresser that I liked. So I had invited her out. To the Paul Mooney show. Yeah. And I didn't know too much about him.

43:25and then she brought a guy, which was pretty horrible. And then he, I forget exactly what he screamed, but he literally screamed during the show, you're a fucking racist. And then he got, yeah. Yeah, I can get you. So it was kind of a double whammy on me that night. Yeah. Did you ever speak to her again? I don't recall. It's been so long. That does suck, though. You invited a girl to your show. And she brought a fucking guy. Yeah, that's wrong. yeah but i also did it all wrong i mean i should have you know i've tried to basically you're trying to be i've tried to be like hang out with her for a while you know like go get my haircut for a year and then be like oh try to come to the show as opposed to just like you gotta go right for it yeah yeah it's funny when you start doing stand-up that is like i was like not excited to tell people but i would drop that yeah you know i mean that you're doing i can imagine getting a haircut from a cute girl and just being like yeah i gotta have a show tonight what do you do it's like i'm a stand-up comedian not a big deal when she comes to the show i just bomb yeah you gotta use it yeah it's hot if it goes well it's hot it's i hate the way you talk it's also it's also he calls things sexy he thinks i can't help that's my vernacular i got you know i'm satisfied Satisfied customers about that.

44:48Stop with the satisfied customers. He has a book about how to go down on women. What? Yeah, he reads it. Jesus. What? Why do you need instructions? Well, hold on. I don't want to be a part of this at all. What do you mean? Now, hold on. Let's not talk about it. Phil's saying he's a natural. Shut the fuck up.

45:15Shane Gillis:Hold on a second. Shut the fuck up. Your daddy's pussy. Your daddy's pussy. Ass up. Ass up, dude. Your daddy's pussy ass up for sure. I don't think so. I don't think so. My dad would go, what the hell are you talking about? You wouldn't be like, who needs a book? I bet he would. I mean, nothing but a month. Any single guy. Any single guy that's going, you read a book? The book, now the worst is the red lighting. Hold on a second. He has lighting. Phil, he changes his bedroom lighting to red. Okay, hold on a second. On his phone, he goes, Alexa, make it Chinatown. Shut up, Chinatown. Hold on, hang on.

45:55He calls it Chinatown. No, hold on. Now. That fucking nuts. Breathe it, Evie. Hold on a second. The red lights is a real thing. However, they're not like auxiliary lights that I'm setting up. Don't get mad about it. People do it. You can literally Google it. it's a thing. And plays techno. No, I don't play techno. You told me you played techno. I said I like to. I tried it one time. It doesn't work. Hold on. We're gonna go playing techno. Yes! It's fucking crazy. It is crazy. I agree with that. It's so crazy. I agree with that. It doesn't work. What I found... It scares the fuck out of them. It's a fucking hinge date and you go, make it Chinatown.

46:38Don't do that. Hey Siri, can you play Nine Inch Nails? That's fucking crazy. All right, hang on. I don't do it. Especially because you're like a sweater golf guy. Well, that's. So I think that. There's a little freak in there. Yes. And you like that. You think that's sexy. I do. You're like Fifty Shades of Grey. Hold on. Let's go back for a second. Did you ever play any Motown? I haven't played Motown. Chris, thank you. I'll give you that. It's very funny. Yeah. but but my dad and and you are fans of motown i definitely am we'll come back to it so i'll give it to you i'd be doing the same the techno music i i tried one time i told you that it doesn't work because the the build-up it did it doesn't work because the or the techno the techno yeah yeah Because it's, you know, lovemaking is like a story unfolding.

47:35This is like playing. Tell you what, I'm putting out some short stories. A lot of haikus. Yeah, a lot of cliff notes. A lot of haikus. You go, and I'm done. That's five.

47:56Right.

47:56Shane Gillis:We're going to take a quick break from the show now because we've got something for the sports lovers out there. This is a special segment called More or Less, and it's brought to you by PrizePix. You and I make decisions every day, like right now. We're all thinking about what to buy for whom and whether we really want to hang out with that weird cousin again this holiday season. But on PrizePix, being right can get you paid. Yep, the holidays come with so much sports action, and on PrizePix, whether you're a football fan, a basketball fan, or a fan of both like me, it always feels good to be right.

48:32Shane Gillis:Now let's get into this. Who's looking good and who is on the sports naughty list right now? All right, please begin with your picks. And they said, make sure these players are playing this week. Obviously, there's a ton of football. This is what I'm excited about right now, guys. A ton of football on Thanksgiving. I'm focusing on the Green Bay Packers right now. I'm thinking Romeo Dubes. More. But then you have Matthew Golden, and I'm going, hmm, less. Same name as me. That's not a good sign. Who else do we have here? Ooh, Luke Musgrave. More. I'm thinking more for old Luke Musgrave for sure.

49:13Shane Gillis:And then we have Jordan Love, and, I mean, let's be honest, guys, less. So, yeah, those are my picks. Personally, you can disagree. That's fine. That's what I love about sports is just guys can come together and, you know, talk about stuff like this. But that's where I'm coming from. So I'd love to hear your guys' – drop some comments below about your comments, about who's going to be more or who's going to be less. Because, you know, this is the sports naughty list right now. Okay, so that's our take. Now it's time to lock in yours. And what better time because new feature alert, PricePix now has early payouts.

49:54Shane Gillis:And if your lineup gets off to a hot start, you may now have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes. Download the app today and use code drenched to get$50 in lineups after you play your first$5 lineup. That's code drenched to get$50 in lineups after you play your first$5 lineup. Price fix. It's good to be right. So, anyway. Where did you get that lovemaking story? Because that has to be in one of your books. Yeah, yeah. Jesus. there's a book called I think this one's called Come As You Are it's written to women I know it's all puns the other one's she comes first yeah I know I'm not naming them Shane I'm looking at Reddit and asking Reddit what are good books about lovemaking or you know whatever that's where you want to go for sex tips why not the guys from Reddit those pussy hounds on Reddit so uh what's the what's the come as you are is like written for women that struggle uh with you know or it should be word are there testimonials in the book i didn't think the conversation was heading in that direction or i really wouldn't be participating i understand now that's just what he does well then i'll that's what i do keep going though what are you doing no then well i don't want to make him feel uncomfortable but that's the whole point yeah i'm not going to be staying that much longer but uh anyhow when we were when we were in pittsburgh last week for the for the football games we stayed at the william penn omni nice and they put us up in this suite because friends of ours had a connection it was fantastic that's a good subject it really was oh the william penn omni is beautiful old historic hotel downtown pittsburgh and what had happened is they have what's called the governor's suite and they convert it to the santa suite in november and the first night we were there november 14th we walk in and there's all kinds everything is santa they got his boots laying there oh that's nice they got gingerbread men out they've got shower curtains changed everything the bed sheets and there's two extra common rooms.

52:14So there was like 2 ,000 square feet of hotel that we had for three nights. That's really great. And it was fantastic. Yeah. I just wanted to get away from what he was talking about. That's fine. First of all, what he was talking about is he was the one. I get it. He says him and his, he is open about this stuff. You read a lot. Well, about certain. He's at fault here. He is fun though. What are you looking at me for? He's the one. He's the instigator.

52:39Shane Gillis:Is he? Yes. He lit the fuse. Yeah. He made you an offer. I regretted the fuse. I also regretted the fuse. Instant regret? Yeah. That's not what I want. I would like to stay in a Santa hotel room, though. That'd be nice. It's unbelievable. How big were the boots? Actually, the guy that was taking our luggage out actually thought we left the boots like they were ours. So he brings the boots down to put them in the car. I said, buddy, no. Those are Santas. That's part of the room. They're not mine. They're Santas. Yeah. You saw the Pitt-Nutredame game. What did you think of that, Phil? I thought...

53:17Was Hunter able to say what's up to you? Who? Hunter Biven. I didn't see him there. Okay. I didn't see him there. You told me to get the word out that you were there. Yeah, I was looking for him. I didn't see him. Phil acts like he's not like a glory hound. He's a complete glory hound. No. You guys have a lot in common. My friend set us up with great seats right behind the Notre Dame bench on the 40, 45-yard line. We were three rows from the wall. Yeah, Phil texted me. He goes, let them know I'm here. Let the world know. Well, they're nice guys. Hunter would have said, what's up? Yeah, and I saw Ron Paulus and some of the other guys, but I didn't have a chance to say hello.

53:52They probably wouldn't know me. They didn't know you. They'd remember you from the commercial. Anyhow, so we saw that Pitt Nutter Dame on Saturday, and then Sunday we saw the Steelers and the Bengals play. And that was, you know, just. Wait, was that? That wasn't Flacco versus Rodgers, was it? That was an incredible game. You were there for that? Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, but Rodgers got hurt. And then the other guy came in, and he did a great job. But that was fun. I was amazed, truthfully, at how much support those Steeler fans give that team. I mean, that stadium, they are 100 % for the Steelers, and they cheer every play.

54:30And even though people may not like this or that, they support that team. I would love to play for the Steelers after. I mean, seriously, as far as an NFL team, I would love to go to Pittsburgh and play for the Steelers. They really do a great job with them.

54:47Shane Gillis:I've always wanted to see a game in that stadium. I've never seen a game in that stadium. I don't think I've ever seen the Steelers play. Yeah. How about that? Yep. I don't think I have either. We've got to get out there. Those are the best fan bases, though. Yeah, they are. They're small towns. Cincinnati's got a good fan base. Buffalo. Buffalo's great The Eagles are great The Eagles are such a fun fan base They're like an evil version of the Bills Mafia They really are They're just the fucking devil It's fun though Yeah they sort of had a Thuggish Reputation the Eagles fans Yeah it's fun But I think they're getting away from that because they raise ticket prices So much that some of the the riffraff some of the well they're outside they're outside they're not going in yeah yeah yeah i went there once i went there saw the eagles niners a few years ago i had i went into the game i had nine dollars to my name i bought a bud light it was nine bucks i was like what the fuck zero dollars i don't know i went with uh it was big j and soda and they were like do you want to come to this game with us and i was like yeah fuck yeah and uh they were like here we got you tickets you can't say we don't have any more with us you're up in the i was up in the nosebleeds with big j's sister and brother-in-law just me and them freezing it was cold and rainy i got one beer i was like well yeah down to zero dollars i'm getting back to west philly unreal yeah and i always i've told this story a thousand times when you were overdrafting chipotle I love how you say it Chipotle Overdraft and Chipotle for sure The reason I brought that up is because the riffraff Is still outside Some of my buddies are like Philly trash And they were out there, they're snorting shit off their dashboard Their tailgate was like Let's snort oxys I was like no thanks Yeah they're getting after it A couple pain pills in the parking lot I'd cry if I had to be around I'll tell you what, I wasn't Too comfortable.

56:55Yeah. Watching guys snort pain pills. Let's go, Eagles. Right.

57:01Shane Gillis:What's going to happen? Game's not for two hours. You're going to get tired. You're going to not feel your body and go into Xfinity Live and try to fight someone. Ride the bull. Just get locked off the bull. Yeah. No, they're still there. They're not going anywhere. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough getting back to your car. There's a new class of plumbers snorting pills out there. Uh-huh. waiting for somebody in another jersey the fuck is that

57:33no no it was a great weekend though it was that's good what do you got next phil what's going on what do you got on the docket i know your knee's bothering you i might i might send you down to austin and get some stem cells in there i took a shot of cortisone yesterday so it's helped me it's helping yeah oh you got steve's got arthritis yeah yeah i haven't gotten cortisone yet though because it's apparently only so many you can get of those. Well, at my age, they can give me one every week. Load it up. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I definitely noticed a difference, and she said it could take two or three days before you really notice a difference.

58:08And she said sometimes it'll last for a couple weeks, sometimes a couple months, and sometimes several years. Depends on the individual. They don't really know how to determine that. The science is out. Yeah. How about, would you get stem cells? I don't know what the fuck they do, but. Yeah, well, I'd have to do some research on it. I don't know. Yeah. If your knee's fucked up. They work, right? I think they work. These guys are good at it. The people in Austin are the people who did Roger's Achilles. Oh, yeah? Yeah. We can get you in there. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what it does. I mean, right now, the guy that I had a torn meniscus, he operated on it and then said there's a lot of arthritis in there.

58:52It's so funny. If I sent Phil down there, they'd just kill him. We don't know what the fuck this shit does. Yeah, no. I want him to butt. Just kills him right away. It never really improved my knee. It did briefly, but in the last two months, it's just been killing me. And plus, I'm coaching basketball, so I'm walking on it all the time. Even driving the car. I mean, I can't – if it's positioned incorrectly, it's just pain shooting through my knee. Wakes me up at night constantly. I can't – I have to sleep. Oh, that's really terrible. It sucks. It really does. So that's why I took the cortisone shot.

59:26I do have an appointment in December with a surgeon. Into the mic. Into the mic, yes. No, my voice cares. Some guys aren't for showbiz, Phil.

59:36Shane Gillis:I think I'm getting like a hip thing. I think I get like a hip pointer. I think you and me are drinking. That's what I'm saying. I think I drank my way into a sports injury. I'll wake up with just a dead arm. Just passed out on it. Yeah. Fuck. That happened a couple times in my 20s. Woken up. Oh, you're falling asleep on your arm? Yeah, and woke up with like the deadest arms I've ever felt in my life. and was just like, this has to be permanent. Yeah. This has to be a permanent injury. There's got to be like nerve damage. Phil, the last time I was here, you were fucking hammered. When? Seriously.

1:00:10That's crazy. First off, that's very funny. When? We got home. Were you there?

1:00:15Shane Gillis:I don't think so. We got home late. I don't think you expected us until the morning. You thought you were all safe up on that deck by yourself. We opened the door. Phil goes, hey, guys. How are you? Damn, you were getting wasted out of here. That was after the golf tournament. No, it was the day before. You were out there getting ripped. Well, if you can't do it in your own home, where can you? And then you went and got a Kit Kat bar before bedtime. Ooh, that's good. I saw him reach to the candy drawer on the way up to bed. He ate a fucking Kit Kat bar. What's wrong with that? Candy bar before bed.

1:00:50And then he was in the hallway. I was like, Phil, you got to be quiet. He was like, shh. He was like laughing. don't make things up

1:01:01Shane Gillis:I don't really go for candy when I'm boozing more of a chicken parm chicken parm's crazy Taco Bell kind of guy I speak my language I don't know how you're getting chicken parm well what time are you drunk who's making chicken parm at that hour at least in Philly there were a couple late night spots that stay open you can get a chicken parm at any hour at night. You get greedy at night with the grub. Yeah. This guy would order a thousand Big Macs, eat four of them in one sitting, he'd watch him do it, didn't even take a breath. Two Big Macs was the move. Two Big Macs was crazy. Yeah. But I was reaping all the benefits.

1:01:41He would pass out. There's a third Big Mac in here. Yeah.

1:01:46Shane Gillis:Yeah. I think there was a lot of times I only ate one Big Mac and I'd come out and I'd be like, I ate two Big Macs last night? And you were like, yeah, man, it was nuts. I think that was three. You definitely ate two. You always ate two. Yeah. That's good stuff. What else do we got here, Phil? You want to tell us a fun fight story? You ever beat anybody up? Nope. Why not? Nope. Clean cheat. Any funny childhood stories? Yeah. How about the story when I had to walk that girl home? I don't know about it. Yeah. Well, I don't even know if you were born then, but this sticks out in my mind as one of the funnier stories.

1:02:28We lived about 10 miles from here or five miles from here. And back then in the mid 80s, we had a landline, you know, phone. OK, so I would answer this phone and say, hello, Gillis's. and I would hear this, like this pervert on the other end. And I would just go nuts. I'd say, you son of a bitch. If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to kill you. Because Katie and Sarah were both like six and seven at the time. And Joan, she was still hot. And so I'm thinking there's some perverts just watching what's going on here. And I don't know if they're after the girls or after Joan. But then like a week later, I'd pick up the phone and say, hello, Gillis is an idea.

1:03:21Oh, I guess. And I say, and I would swear I'd go nuts. Yeah. So this went on for like six weeks, like once a week. And then one Sunday afternoon, Sarah's girlfriend comes up in a baby stroller and she's some little overweight Greek kid. All right. So Joan says to me about three hours later, will you walk her home? Because she was putting Katie and Sarah, getting them in the baths or whatever. So I said, sure. So I start walking with this kid, and she's got her baby carriage, and we walk, and I take about 10 steps, and I hear this, ah, ah. And I go, it's you, isn't it? The kid had asthma. I didn't know it.

1:04:07Every time I answered the phone, I scared her so much she would never say anything. and then I'm swearing at him. That's what I was saying. Yeah. That's great. That's a true story. That poor kid. That's great. I remember when Mike Connolly hit puberty. That was a tough one. Yeah. My buddy Mike hit puberty like real early. He would call me like, is Shane there? Yeah. And they're like, who is this, you fucking pervert? That was a grown man. We had to stop. He wasn't allowed to play football with us anymore. We did hide our backyard football games from him. Because he was just that big. He was a fucking monster.

1:04:39He would kill us. Yeah. My friends had no jump rule against me when we played basketball. You were not allowed to shoot? No, they weren't allowed to jump. Oh. To block me because I was so tiny. That's nice. Yeah. That is nice. Yeah. He got humped by a Down syndrome guy playing basketball. That's right. Yeah. It was just, yeah. Do you want me to tell him? Fuck it. What else are we doing? We don't have to have you. Obviously, he didn't. You know, he just was a little overexcited and, you know, sort of tossed me around a little bit. Steve, here, let me tell him for you. Would you make a tough shot or something?

1:05:12No, he knew the pretty girls were going to be at recess watching. They were already there. And he said, watch this. I'm a good guy. I'm going to help this special needs boy play some basketball. First of all, I won an award, which I sent you a photo of. Of course you did. Nicest guy. What's that? The nicest guy award. But do you remember? I was like, I think it was something with Congress. And then it was like a state. Yeah, yeah. I got an award from Congress. It was like a judge from Westchester. Right. but no, he was trying to show off for the ladies and be like, look how good of a guy. I wasn't trying to show off for the ladies.

1:05:45My cousin. No, you were. It's a byproduct. You know, it wasn't like I sat there and said, how can I get a date in middle school? It was my cousin started doing it at his school, so I was like, that would be a cool thing to do here. Yeah. Yeah. But once you saw the ladies watching, you were kind of.

1:06:02Shane Gillis:Dude, everyone. Of course, the mess. It was all about, are the ladies watching? Yeah, of course. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's just a funny thing to have backfire. Yeah. You're trying to be a good guy and the fucking guy starts humping you. They fucking pull him off. Yeah, chicky. Yeah, he had to pull him off. Got you. Yeah. I remember the stress of just like running the mile in gym class. Oh, bro, you have no idea. You got no fucking idea. Nah, that's when you hit the fucking I'm too cool for this. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, fuck that. I'm walking, dude. I'm not walking. Wow, the two quarter, it's a great move.

1:06:37There's no way I'm going to fucking do that. Right. Run and lose to a fucking, like, all the girls. Yeah. No, I'm too cool for this. That's funny. I'll hit the I'm too cool for this button. Basketball tryouts instantly. Shirts, skins. You got to do that. There's no. Okay. You got to take the skins. You can't. You can't even fight it. Okay. You can't even. When they go shirts and skins, you're on skins. In your head, you're going, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. You got to play that cool. You got to just go, yeah, fuck yeah. I'm like, fuck it. Who cares? No, I'm talking about like once I knew I sucked at basketball, that's when I was like layup line, try out.

1:07:16I'm just fucking launching it against the backboard going, fuck it, I don't even care. And I'd get home and go, oh, I wish I could play with my friends.

1:07:31It's so funny. I sucked so bad at basketball. because yeah I would just I wouldn't go through the cool thing I'd just go right into the crying skins was tough but what was nice was there was a couple guys that had we were all going through puberty so some of the guys just had giant tits you remember those like puffy nipples kids got you didn't play enough sports trust me when you go skins like 20 % of the kids have giant fat nipples so that distracted everybody everybody goes yo why do you have tits dude One of my friends' nickname was tits

1:08:06Shane Gillis:From that And it was just puffy nipples? It was just puffy nipples He was in perfectly good shape He was skinny He just had a rack Dude, yeah I told you I drained him Oh yeah, that's the worst, man I pierced him Oh Oh Yeah, I didn't know what the fuck I thought I was growing tits I was freaking out I wasn't gonna talk to anyone about it Yeah, you can't tell anyone about that I was just fucking I was just like Put a needle in that What happened? I don't know I guess I'm maybe a couple inches shorter than I should have been, but I don't know. True. That's like a... I know. I think that was like important chemistry that I just nuked.

1:08:42All the power was in your nipples. You were about to be 6 '8". Yeah. But it wasn't worth the risk. You'd be a problem. 6 '8 with tits. If you were tall, you would have been a real problem.

1:08:51Shane Gillis:Yeah. Your build? Yeah. Yep. Man, that would be so fun. All right, Shane. You're going to wrap it up? Got to wrap it up. Got to get ready for our basketball. Okay. You got anything to say? The guys have been waiting for you to be on the pod for - Well, I don't really know who the guys are. Tell you the truth. Everybody. Everybody. All right. It's like Fight Club, dude. All right, guys. It's like you're fucking your chef. Good to be with you today. Yeah, this is nice. Pop in before Thanksgiving. Good to see everybody. Yeah. All right. I'm out of here. All right. We'll keep going. Yeah. Sure. What are we at time?

1:09:29Are you good? Yeah. it's a tough couch to fucking get out of this episode is brought to you by dose supporting your liver daily with dose is one of those small things that can make a huge difference in how you feel overall you're going to reduce sluggishness get rid of midday crashes support your metabolism and aid digestion plus it tastes like freshly squeezed orange juice how about that man that's nice get ready to uh or ready to give your liver the support it deserves head to dosedaily.co slash mssp or enter mssp to get 41 % off your first subscription. I like it. That's great. Yeah. It's good for you.

1:10:08It's good for you. Do it. Not to derail what you guys were talking about but when you were yelling at him like your dad eats a pussy ass off I didn't hear that until like the third time that he kept saying it. Chris knew exactly what he was doing. Phil hit me with what I heard. When he was like you need a book? I was like I don't know how I didn't think this through I'm talking about eating pussy with my dad that's a fucking crazy thing

1:10:35Shane Gillis:I didn't know if you wanted him to dive in or not no absolutely not obviously it would be funny but I don't need that and I'd feel bad for him I don't think he understands just how many people watch what are you doing down there with your fucking friends you weirdos he comes down and is like I think we got a good team this year. You know, you can't win without good kids and coaching. Yeah, to go deep into the pussy-eating conversation. Straight to pussy-eating. Then just pour 60 beers on top of that, wake up tomorrow. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, that would be sad. It would be nice to take it easy tonight.

1:11:17Shane Gillis:Yeah, oh, yeah. I'm taking it easy, dude. You think you're taking it easy? Yeah, yeah. I got burnt. I walked too close. I got too close to the sun. Yeah, I got to stop doing that to you. I was, yeah. You can't go into deep waters. I mean, I've been in the deep. You are a deep water. I've been in the deep. Yeah, but it's not, he's not built for it. No. No. No. No, the wheels come off. You start going, yeah. Well, also, your depth is so much. I'm just drinking brewskis. But they're bringing out the green teas. Green teas are all right. Yeah, but. If you have to. No, I can't. I can't, you know. Once a single.

1:11:59Shane Gillis:I don't even think they're alcoholic. What? I don't even know what's in there. Enough. Enough to change. You start hitting that brown. The brown is, that's deadly. That's when he's going for a run. Sure. That's when he's fighting. Now me and him are fighting. Right. That's true. But I don't think I asked for the brown all weekend. But every once in a while someone's. Oh, it found its way. Somebody offered me a shot. I go, Chris will fucking do it. Yeah. I was saying no. We said no to a twisted tea chug. That was big. That was an insane offer. Hey, you want to chug a twisted tea? Oh, no, thank you.

1:12:39And then they were like, I'm going to look like a dick if you don't do it. It's like, well, here, we'll film it. Chug this. You go, yeah, that's good. Let's get that out there. my fat neck chugging a fucking looking into a camera like

1:12:59kids come up dude be like yo can you shout out fucking sigma chi whatever the fucking frat is yeah i usually say no but every once in a while i'm drunk enough to be like yo i'm sigma chi i'm a loser dude i get into town i become a fucking embarrassment it's really embarrassing you're so nice about it i'm nice to people but then you hang out it's too late right college kids coming in be like just be out of your breath right your face spitting on you yeah but i get it i remember sure i was a college i was a college kid i'd be so happy sure yeah that was a dream college college yeah man it was a dream it was a dream

1:13:41Shane Gillis:I'm getting fucking wasted in college it was so fun I think we might have lost to you, Con, man he went through hell this weekend he's on a different plane he's ascended no, I've descended he's ascended I need to ascend we do I need a big dry out you and me are going to be in complete control don't worry it's only the holiday season I need a big dry out It's only the holiday season. We're probably not going to be drinking that much and not depressed at all. Yeah, well, my family goes light on the booze, so I can get in. We'll go light at Thanksgiving. Yeah. Well, they won't, but I will. I don't like getting drunk in front of them.

1:14:26No, I guess. My family. Yeah, yeah. No. For real.

1:14:32Shane Gillis:Yeah. Yeah, it's a bad look. Yeah, especially the way I actually drink. Oh, yeah, yeah. If I showed up, it was like, watch this. I'm at 25 fucking beers. Yeah. Actually, that would be funny. They treat it like the medical emergency. That it is. It's like, yeah. Like, wait, so you're doing this when you're not around? This is what you're doing? No, this is just. No, this is for Thanksgiving. I miss you guys. I miss you so damn much. I don't want to remember it. I don't even want to remember seeing you. That's good stuff. Yeah. That's fine. We're in complete control. Now, are you excited for tires?

1:15:10I couldn't be more excited. Yeah, I'm excited. It's going to be so much fun. I'm excited. It's the best. It's incredible. Just filming together, goofing off. You'll get mad. Oh, it's going to be cold. You're going to be such a bitch the whole time. I think I'm going to be a bitch, too. It's cold.

1:15:26Shane Gillis:It is cold as fuck in there. We only got a little lick of the winter last year. We're going to be in the depths. My understanding is that there's, like, heating elements outside now, and they're going to be a little bit better about having places for me to go personally warm up. Yeah, because you ruin a room. Accidentally, I did that once. You set it to 95 degrees. He does have a nice trick to keep me out of his office. Oh. At the writing room. Yeah. I go in there. I take two steps into the room and I go, oh my God. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I'm like cold-blooded. My temperature runs low.

1:16:03I do great in the summer. yeah I like walking around the office and seeing what you guys are up to yeah walk past yours you're laying on a inflatable mattress walk Chris is asleep on a fucking beanbag it's fucking crazy everyone's asleep the whole staff's asleep it's exhausting

1:16:23Shane Gillis:if you come in at like two yeah dude four hours of hard thinking you gotta lay it down a lot of guys napping you got a lot of naps in there you gotta lay it down we need the scripts by thursday everyone's oh fuck john john hurry up please john

1:16:48but yeah this is it's it's just so exciting and that that is the one thing i was saying is like to be to be famous for like small famous than i am for like this reason well you know what i mean sure oh not you i'm just saying i don't like even talking about it but yeah oh well i mean it is a factor yeah yeah but for this reason like i it's just so nice because it's it's it's about a show yeah you and john and it's like for sure people that really care about each other i couldn't imagine being like fuck would want to be famous well that shit's wild that's my point it's like if you if you were reality show famous yeah just just trying to be famous yeah you don't want to have talent at all you just want to be famous right nightmare nightmare yeah but it is it is funny i do like seeing you be the big man on campus i like watching you walk around and go oh yeah that's me that's not what i do oh yeah i don't do that oh yeah but i i'll tell you what it is rewiring my brain you know like because bars i used to never so i'm trying to get better shane's trying to get me out of my comfort zone which i eternally grateful for and uh like went to the eagles halloween thing yeah oh man yeah just me dressed as jafar yeah he's going i can't see i'm kind of blind

1:18:15Shane Gillis:Jordan, my ladder hitting you in the stadium. That's awesome. Right out of the gate. Yeah. What was the picture? I thought he wanted us in the picture. So I was like, Steve, let's go. Oh, no. But he was saying, get out. He was saying, not you. No, yeah. No, yeah. No, yeah. No, yeah. No, I'm Steve. Who the fuck are you, bro? Hey, the fuck out of here, bro. I mean, I'm not talking on Drew. He is a really awesome guy. Yeah. How fucking nice is he? Yeah. He's great. Everyone was so nice. Obviously, everyone's great. But me and him, after the Halloween party, went to Bonner's. Yeah. I just sat with him at the bar at Bonner's.

1:18:55He's huge. He's dressed like the witcher. Oh, is that what it was? Yeah. And he was just getting into singing. He was talking about his singing. He loves singing. Yeah. He started singing. It was very funny. That's fantastic. See what? See what? The difference between you and Jordan Mylotta singing? If I was just gigantic and I said, I want to dance, you wouldn't be, oh, I'm going to say it. You'd be like, it's so cool. If you were, first off, I wasn't saying, oh, it's so cool. I thought it was funny. It's funny to hear a guy that's that big. Yeah. Be like, thinking about getting into singing, bro.

1:19:30Yeah, man. Fuck yeah. I wish I would have a big voice. He's got a really good voice. Yeah, he does. That's the difference also. If you had a great voice and good moves, I could support it. Okay. You'll have to work on the moves. The moves are actually pretty good. No, no. I will say that. You don't have good moves. They're going to get better. And you got long legs. You fucking look good out there. Yeah. You look like some type of bug on the dance floor. I don't look good. You look like a fucking bug out there.

1:19:56Shane Gillis:I know. I wish I was more proportioned. No, I think long legs is good for square dancing. All three of us are pretty fucked in proportion. What are you talking about? You're a shot to my mouth. I'm the ideal man. Hey, let me tell you. Talk to my ex.

1:20:24Shane Gillis:That's what I think I'm going to do. I think I'm going to dry it out. I'm going to get big into yoga. You got to dry it out before we film. I'm going to get flexible. For sure. Yeah. And while we're filming, we got to get the fitness going. Thankfully, it's going to be early enough days because of the lighting. So you're not going to we're not going to be. No. Yeah. I'm just. Go ahead. No, that's it. Yeah. It's kind of like a little bit of identity crisis to think about how different I would be if I was Jordan Milata's size. Yeah. God, I'd love it if you were the exact same. If there was just a giant version of you.

1:21:01I would probably say. I don't like parties. I'm going home. Six, eight jacked. I'm going as Jafar to the Eagles Halloween party. I have to leave. I'm blind. Well, it's because my pupils don't dilate, so it's like I can't see anything. And I think I asked you at one point, I was like, who's that over there? And you're like, Jalen Barkley. Yeah, you're in jailhouse. Dang it. I can't see him. Yeah. And then just a bunch of giants. And John Cena was there. Oh, he was? Yeah. Wow. No. Yeah, Steve couldn't see him. Folks. Nice.

1:21:38Shane Gillis:Folks. Nice. I got plenty more. Very nice. come see me at the link for more fucking gold like that i i i would i would genuinely if i couldn't see i would freak out in those environments too yeah because like when shane came in then jordan my lot was like dancing yeah like i don't know everybody's kind of dancing and then there was there was some movement back towards me and then there was literally nowhere to go i was against the bar yeah so then then you know yeah slowly It was nice that we were the only ones there. Yeah. Other than the team. It was very weird. Yeah. It was awesome. It was really nice with the Dickersons.

1:22:18Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, they put it together. He couldn't be. How great is he? Yeah. Man. Yeah. It's funny when you get to know the guys that play football. It changes the way I watch the game. Like last night, Christian McCaffrey running the ball 30 times. Every time he runs the ball, I'm like, be safe. Be safe. Right, yeah. Please don't get hurt. You become a girlfriend. Oh, no, he's down. Get up. Get up. He's up. He's up. He's good. He's having a hell of a game. At the end of the game, you're like, I'm so proud of you. He did great, man. Yeah, like I watch Bill's games now. I'm back to that because Gabe Davis is back.

1:22:59I watch it again. I'm like a fucking girlfriend watching this shit. He catches the ball. I'm like, yes, Gabriel. Anytime he doesn't get thrown You're like he was open Josh, throw him the ball Yeah But injuries in football It's sad It's so sad for the guys It makes them sad Yeah And just your entire career can be

1:23:25Shane Gillis:Done in a second I genuinely don't know how there aren't Eight broken legs Every running play Me neither It's obviously I would just ran if no one tackled me. Pull up, tear your Achilles. I'm surprised the line guys don't wear the double leg braces. Yeah. Also, I feel like the arm, the arm brace thing. It feels like when the D guys wear it, it feels like cheating. Why? You just got a metal weapon. You can do a weird play like indoor lacrosse. there'd be these fucking canadian guys and they would build like their own like armor they would just like they would they would like heat up plastic and build just like a shield and then they'd just fucking crush you canadians are fucking you up they're nuts yeah they better than you i well who's better skill level who's better the americans or the canadians i think the canadians yeah really i mean damn it is like a clash of the uh pussies who couldn't play the real sport it's our non-football guys versus their non-hockey guys that's a battle dude who are the pussy guys this is our best group of pussy guys no the Canadians cause everyone when I was growing up was like you gotta have like be like good with both hands and all this stuff and Canadian guys went fuck that they just got so good with one hand now New York has the Native Americans yeah yeah Onondaga yeah Yeah.

1:24:59We were laughing about it. Haudenosaunee or whatever. Jim Brown playing. He was like nasty at lacrosse. Yeah. Jim Brown? Yeah. He played lacrosse at Syracuse. Okay. Yeah. There must have been 10 people on earth playing lacrosse. Right. He must have just trucked the fuck out of those kids. Yeah. So I was asking him, I was like, can you just lower your shoulder with the ball? He was like, yeah. That must have been fucking terrifying. Yeah. He just blew through people. I'd be racist. Sure. I was one of those white guys out there. I'd go, get him off the field. This is fucking crazy Yeah that feels like a sport Ripe to have somebody come in and just dominate Like that Yeah Jim Brown Holy fuck

1:25:36Shane Gillis:I would love to see it I'd love to see like a LeBron kind of guy Out there Jordan Mailata with a lacrosse stick No He would shoot the ball 200 miles an hour It's crazy Jordan Mailata needs to be nowhere near Any other sport He's scary out there He shakes your hand after the game Straight to girlfriend mode again Oh my god your hands are so gay He's so fucking gay the whole time And he can sing And he's handsome He's dressed like a vampire He is he was handsome He was he's dressed like a vampire He was fucking He was kind of crazy He was also a fucking squad of mutants In the corner dressed like a fucking ninja turtle Jafar Blind going home we got a whole team of pugs in the corner these are my buddies we're all fucking pieces of shit i had uh the hat the jafar hat was like two foot and it still wasn't blizz blizz showing up with the fucking whatever that face paint was yeah mine it was fucking horrifying that's a high level move the bees dressed as a bee that was nice yeah it was a good night those are some good costumes i don't i thought i had a good turtle costume you did have a good i had no costume i classic oh yeah no no it wasn't too cool i just didn't have a time should have gotten you one we went to the store right before should have got the jason mask yeah it's classic but it'd be nice nice to get you a power ranger yeah i'm not i don't know how built i uh physically am for a body suit well it's baggy it better be it better be baggy there's a lot of problems with a latex suit with And the teenest might be number two.

1:27:24The love handles is where we're running into some real fucking chaos. Just a belt, a Power Ranger belt sagging underneath my gut. I mean, that's, I'd be with you. I'd go, I'm going home too. This fucking blows.

1:27:38Shane Gillis:I think that'd be such a sick look. If I pulled it, yeah. If I wore it with confidence. Yeah. But there's no way I would. There's no way I could. I'd be doing the adjust my fucking shirt the entire time. The adjust my shirt move, yeah. Pulling the penis out this time the whole time. I'm going to get that spandex off my dick. This is crazy. Jordan Milano's going to see my tiny penis. Dude, I remember when we were in, I think, late middle school, early high school. Casey Powell, who's like the best player in the world at the time, came. And we were hanging out. And he was, like, shooting. He was shooting, like, 95 miles an hour.

1:28:16Shane Gillis:And Sullivan just picked up a stick. He was in eighth grade. Yeah. He just picked up a stick and shot like 110. Kizzy Powell was 25. Sullivan was a horse, though. Yeah, he's a monster. I can't imagine an NFL lineman actually playing lacrosse and shooting the ball. Fucking funny. If you're allowed to just truck people. It would kill goalies. Yeah, they'd have to start actually wearing pads. Way more pads. Like a thick hockey chest protector. Those guys must be crazy. They're not. They're lost goalies. They're nuts. Yeah. I like those positions in sports that are real weird. Yeah. Like MLB pitchers.

1:28:57Yes. Are just insane people. I would imagine hockey goalies are fucking weird dudes.

1:29:03Shane Gillis:Hockey goalies, yeah. Yeah. They're supposed to be. Every single golfer, weird dork. Yeah, they got - I don't know any. I've only met a couple and they were all very normal and nice. Oh, okay. Yeah. Just trying to belittle your sport. Oh, okay. That's all right. I just wanted to take your favorite thing and say it sucked. Okay. even though it doesn't. No, but it has to, a little bit, because it's such a head game. That is, I would imagine those are weird people. Yeah. Like, you have to do all these, like, weird mental stuff to, like, keep from absolutely melting down. Yeah. So if goalies are, like, talking to pipes and stuff, thanking pipes.

1:29:37Dude, the, my favorite was just during COVID, going to baseball games where the stadium was empty and you could just listen to the pitchers. They're fucking insane, dude. What are they saying? Every time they put that glove over their face, they're like, you motherfucker! Fuck! Really? Just back to the game. You're like, holy shit. Whoa. Yeah, no, they're mental patients. Wow, that's really interesting. I mean, I get it. Yeah, giving up a home run. Yeah. You can just hear it. As soon as it leaves the bat, you hear the pitcher, fuck. Son of a fucking bitch.

1:30:10Shane Gillis:Give me the ball. Just winging the next pitch. I can't imagine having the confidence to just throw the pitch over the plate. Tommy put me onto that. It's very funny. When someone gives up a home run, usually the next pitch is 95 fastball down the middle. They're like, fuck you. Fuck you. Gone again. Gone. Shit. That's got to be the worst feeling in the world. Giving up a homer? Yeah. It's a tough one. Giving up a sack sucked. Oh, my God. That was really shitty. That was horrible. Yeah. Especially your friends with the quarterback. He's your buddy. He's just getting crushed. Dude, I'm getting killed.

1:30:53I don't know who the fuck this guy is. I'm gone. This game. Run away.

1:30:59Shane Gillis:What can you do if you're just getting smoked? What do you... Nothing. Just lunge at him? Hopefully the coach can make an adjustment and help with the block. Get the running back chip. Yeah. Yeah. But we didn't have that. Ugh. So it was just... You're going to get fucked up today. Yeah. All day. Shit. How many times did that happen? Happened to me once. It was my last game of my senior year. Oh, no. And the guy across from you, you just play one. You were like, he's a monster. Yeah, I never gave up a sack. And then this one game, this guy was just killing me. The final game. Never played another game.

1:31:38Yeah, dude. Oh, no. That's all right. Fuck it. I got a memory. I don't care. I got a memory like that. Yeah, but it's still, yeah.

1:31:45Shane Gillis:In college. I thought you were going to your hockey stories. No, no. Oh, that's a tough one. He retired from hockey. That's a tough one. He's, like, deeply troubled by it. Dude, conference championship my senior year of college, they, like, they dialed it up. They called a play to me. Oh. Like, take this guy to the rack. Had a shorty. Dude stripped me. And I, like, never turned the ball over. Yeah. Never stripped me down the other way. Didn't see the field again. Oh, man. It was, yeah, it was, like, a fourth quarter. games like it's like seven seven yeah run the play connor you ready yes and i went into it like i'm going to smoke this kid and he just twigged me go yeah all right motherfucker here we go off the field dude it was like it's i still it's like one of those things you scream about in the shower because it was a thing where it's like like i hadn't been playing well in the like the last quarter of the season but the coach was still like i know he literally pulled me aside and was like i know you still got goals oh no yeah and i was like hell yeah dude that's nice though yeah you know he's great yeah and then uh turned out i didn't have goals left but it was that's what was like so painful he literally like game on the line gave me a shot to make a difference that's tough you never told me that story oh it was brutal it's literally like the last play of my yeah yeah heartbreak yeah that's a tough one it's all right that's how sports ends though yeah no you don't end on top no you got humiliated fuck it i'm not doing this when was your last uh sport that would be uh probably little league baseball and it was yeah just couldn't but you were just short yeah when did you grow when did those fucking legs take off uh freshman year of college holy shit that must have been crazy it was pretty nuts how much did you grow uh six inches seven inches in a year uh over the time yeah god that must have hurt it was it was crazy it was crazy to have to like buy new pants in a year yeah Yeah.

1:34:06Shane Gillis:That's a dream, though. That was, I always held out hope. Yeah. I would, yeah, I would learn about people growing in college and being like, it's still, I still, it's still happening. Yeah. I saw an endocrinologist and they, they, you know, said five, six, five, seven tops. Really? Yeah. And then. I don't think they know shit. I don't know. They get that wrong all the time. Right. You're just looking at an x-ray. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a scam. Endocrinologist. I'm coming for you. You fucking liar. I remember it was so humiliating because they had like a bead of testicles. Did I tell you about that?

1:34:42It was like a size chart. A size chart. But it was like on a rope, like a butt plug rope. Yep. And then my mom, like, so they checked me, and then my mom came back in the room and was showing where my testicles were. On the big balls? Yeah. What? Yeah. Is that how they see how tall you're going to be? No, I think it was the x-rays, but they were just checking that to see. This is just to show you where you stack up? what the fuck what doctor is this dude get rid of that fucker my recollection just so you know also you have small tiny balls there's no medical difference you're going to be able to have kids all that this is just for you it has no bearing on anything else just want you to know you got a little tiny dick right all right thanks for that you're like matching up to the age group that typically that's a doctor with small tiny balls yeah and he's got his little he's got a

1:35:35Shane Gillis:notch on there right he's gonna got you not so small the 99th percentile yeah yeah all right well how yeah what's the biggest what was the biggest ball on the chart would you say don't recall that would have stuck out to me i would have been like holy shit poor fucking guy that's crazy yeah i don't know i don't think they were like abnormalities i think It was like once you got up to average male is basically where it ended. Yeah. Well. Never really think about the size of my balls. Chris, I keep trying to end the podcast. But, yeah, never think about the size of your balls. Yeah, we got way bigger fish to fry right next door.

1:36:17We got a real problem. Right next door. We got a real problem. Above and below those things. There's stuff going on that we need to take care of. Balls are on the back burner for concern.

1:36:32german you're a sweet boy i wish you could come do the show tonight but thanks for having me on this yeah it's good to see you sorry someone i didn't want to make your dad super uncomfortable no he doesn't fuck it was funny okay he he thinks it's funny he just doesn't want to talk about it you can post it around me if i wasn't here he'd be like that is what i do yeah but no my family's not uh got it never talk about sex. Got it. Yeah. I think it's weird when families do. I couldn't agree more. Yeah.

1:37:05Shane Gillis:I agree with that. Any final thoughts here? Anything you want to get off your chest? No, no. I think I'm glad I made it through. I was really up against it yesterday. I thought you were dead, yeah. Yeah. You don't respond when you're like that. That's annoying. I know, but I get it. Sometimes you gotta shut it down. Shut it down. Shut it down. Yeah. It's communication gone. For sure. All right. Well, that's a good podcast. Yeah. Thank you. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.

1:37:49Legally, we can't say drinking storm makes you smarter and more focused. But with zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and immunity support, you're smarter and more focused for drinking storm storm good energy in good energy out energy for life you can't reason with the sun trust us we've tried this summer it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute columbia's omni-shade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin the sun is relentless but so is our gear level up your summer at columbia.com to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion.

1:38:27You're welcome. Columbia. Engineered for whatever.