Ep 589 - Broke Mind Virus

19:11He's the ultimate fucking elephant graveyard. He's the ultimate, dude.

19:17Shane Gillis:Yeah, you think that's right of it. His style is actually very unoriginal. It's like, bro, whatever. After seeing the 50 cent shit, I'm like, man, I don't care. Last thing you want is 50. He killed everybody. All your favorite rappers. He killed those guys. Didn't pay anyone and raped everybody. And you're like, dude, this is bad. Murdering rapists. It's crazy. Gay. You go, hold on a second. I'm not gay.

19:42Shane Gillis:not as i like a lot in the documentary a lot of times when he's like when people are like complaining about him he'll like be like man he's just it's just broke mindset he's just broke the guys you didn't pay and fucked they have broke ideas these broke motherfuckers are funny i didn't fuck them what are they talking about that's what happens you get so broken nobody's gonna make that up no dude is gonna be like yeah and then he fucked me that one you don't toss that in no that's crazy bro that's crazy apparently the guy like you see the guy was he was talented it's a real accusation yeah dude you're a dude a straight dude and then going i don't even want to talk on the dock on i don't even want to talk i want to get into that but going i woke up and i was a little that's exactly what a dude would say i was just sore um i don't want to talk about it it's like fuck man fuck man but yeah he is in for a rough one he he's already they're already trying to like challenge you know they're probably trying to sue netflix right now big time diddy's team who's his team dude apparently yeah who is it dershowitz well apparently he fucked his lawyer that not like literally but since he definitely didn't pay his lawyers but there's no chance footage like kind of exposes the lawyer of like bad practice and stuff like that because there's like personal or like what were supposed to be private conversations that the guy was just filming the whole time and 50 put those in the yeah doc too filming himself with his lawyers yeah what the hell was that about i don't know but it fucked the lawyer i heard really on the internet yeah apparently he's not too happy about it i fucking bet dude also yeah obviously dang that sucks man being a lawyer stinks because then like you're just you're the guy advocating for the guy and everyone's like what a fucking asshole yeah because his dream team he did have a nice dream team i also i also i do respect being at trial and just looking at the jury and going i know that shit and it works that girl that was on there the jury was like dude he's diddy's fucking sick he kept looking at me we were making the same face it was kind of that was funny like we both made the same face like what the girl who was like crying that was like i got kidnapped and the whole jury was like they were just like broke mindset clearly broke mindset it was the broke mind virus the broke mind virus got into the jury the jury did not have the broke mind they were fucking paid alphas we got the most it was nothing but the most extreme hustlers is the old Indian guy.

22:21Shane Gillis:They were in love. Classic love story. Shout out to fucking Diddy's jury, or his team of lawyers. For jury selection, being like fucking Pakistani immigrant, get him the fuck on, dude. He's not going to give a fuck about that fucking video of Cassie getting hit. He's like, she shouldn't have left the room. How could she leave?

22:44He was in the middle of a bath. you must never leave your husband while he bathes there are many oils oh there are many oils in his house some of the finest oils yeah they would have stacked that jury with 12 angry Indians the Indian dudes are just fully like free diddy he's totally innocent dude when he fucking hit a couple of girls

23:17Shane Gillis:they were in love and they did crazy things and he was also like and if you cannot take all the glitz and glamour and take it one way or the other she could leave it's like he literally kidnapped his assistant like i'll kill her if you don't come outside oh man yeah the one thing that really kind of rocked my socks is when the assistant was like yeah i saw all this fucked up shit, but I didn't want to say anything just for the culture. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? We have representatives of the culture here. Would you guys like to speak on the culture? Scared to reach for it.

23:56I will. Yes. It's for the culture, dude. I don't got nothing to say. He got kidnapped at gunpoint to try to murder Kid Cudi. You didn't want to tell anybody for the culture.

24:10Shane Gillis:That was that lady she did it for the bag you think it was the bag yeah that's a lot of money it was just a craziest excuse to be like yeah i did see him beat the fuck out of his girlfriend he kidnapped me but it's like you know just like overall for the culture it's like what you're not gonna tell about the murderous rapist that didn't feel like a real sentence that felt like like yeah then like maybe for the culture you think capricorn was capping

24:38Shane Gillis:true name is cap dude i can't believe the single thing she said that cracked me up though i was like what the fuck is that what are you talking about yeah every time i hear that i'm like dude what are you saying what the hell are you saying it's truly like it's crazy it's insanity it's fucking pure insanity it's very funny obviously it's for the culture it's like what what are you talking about white people have to start holding that down next time there's like a white collar crime like Enron. Just be like, dude, we couldn't. It's for the culture, bro. It's for the culture. I knew there was insider trading.

25:09I knew they were doing all this, but it's for the culture, bro.

25:14Shane Gillis:But yeah, we did loan Zambibia fucking$7 million at 4 ,000 % interest. Zambibia. Where the fuck are you from, Zambibia? Yeah, man, it's rough, man. A lot of the OG black entertainers, the line is drawn in the sand. The dudes coming out to speak up for Diddy are just getting absolutely destroyed. I would never want beef a 50 cent, man. I just don't want it. Because they're coming out and they're going like, it's fucking obviously clearly bullshit. It's just they're getting destroyed. It's like the worst thing they could possibly do. Why would they speak up for him right now? That's my thing. Are they on cam?

25:56Tony A was at the mothership on Tuesday. He's doing like a press tour. he's doing like all the pods right now I don't know he was at the he was at the mothership obviously he's Tony A he's G

26:08Shane Gillis:but not Young Buck they've been Young Buck they've been beefing with Young Buck yeah still to this day yeah so what it's Matt's hip hop corner gather around now y 'all did he start over like trans stuff Young Buck yeah that was one of the allegations also the thing is this every one of these like hip-hop fucking beefs is purely internet speculation yeah it's very fun to just be like wasn't it over trans stuff and somebody was gay what but that usually kind of is part of it unfortunately it is coming out that it is mostly that so but yeah that documentary man that was great i uh yeah very well done when next when you start it up and you're going how the fuck did he get this video?

26:59Shane Gillis:Still, people are trying to get the source. People are trying to figure out who it was and, you know, they're getting close, but... Who the videographer was? Who the videographer was? He's in trouble. I don't think so. Bro, he's gonna get shot. You think he's gonna get shot? Yeah, but you... Diddy is gonna kill everyone. But he doesn't pay anybody. It's in the thing being like... It doesn't matter. Yeah, true. He never cared about... He'll kill you. Yeah, true. Although he has to hire a henchman. Where's he gonna get the henchman now? The henchmen are gonna go... Like they always have. Be like, he said he's gonna give me a million bucks.

27:27True, true. Fuck, you didn't pay me.

27:30Shane Gillis:Yeah, the henchmen afterwards. I'm not going to tell them though because it's the culture. Yeah, true. If the henchmen, if it was true their story that they like killed Tupac and then sat right outside watched the ambulance pull up and then just went and smoked weed and partied, it's fucking wild. They were bad henchmen, you know? I think they were good. They got away with it. Perfect henchmen. They stood there. They were the best henchmen ever. It was because of Diddy. It wasn't, the guy's in jail. The guy was in jail for something else though. like the guy but dude they're henchmen they're fucking killing people and just chilling outside I know but like when you're a henchman and you don't get your money you gotta go kill the boss yeah but who do you think is gonna sit around and kill somebody in Las Vegas for you just like that it's not gonna be like a it's not John Wick these guys are fucking very you know they're making bad choices all the time yeah these guys are making terrible choices yeah and they got away they did a good job as far as henchmen go I think Diddy made They're like, you only got pox, so you only get half.

28:28Shane Gillis:And then he didn't even, yeah, true. That was fair on it. The deal was both. Yeah. So, the deal was both. Bofo. What's up, Bofo?

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29:22Shane Gillis:I mean it depends on what kind of overindulging we're talking about are we talking food are we talking sex I can tell you exactly my mind's telling me no but my body no dose is good it tastes good for sure love that stuff that's all you need to say about that love that stuff so ready to give your liver the support deserves head to dosedaily.co slash mssb to enter mssb to get 35 % off your first subscription your body does so much for you let's do something for it that's d-o-s-e-d-a-i-l-y dot co slash mssb for 35 % off your first month subscription once a moment guys please come i'll be at the springfield comedy club in springfield missouri uh this weekend 12 12 12 13 it's gonna be good i hear you got some good openers oh yeah I got the Meese man.

30:19The Meese. I got the Meese man. Damn, they're going to get to see the Meese too?

30:23Shane Gillis:Yep. Now that's a ticket. The Meese in the flesh. Syracuse, New York. I'll be there 1219, 1220 at the Funny Bone. And then go to mattmccusker.com. I'm going to do a bunch of shows come January 16th all over the country. Thank you. Yeah. If you're in Philly, buy tickets to the show at the link. And you should do that. There's going to be some very good special guests. The ticket will be worth it. even if I suck because it's in a stadium this show's gonna be worth it thank you oh LaMare sure hey everybody it's me LaMare why don't you promise to the camera you're gonna stop drinking and driving I promise yeah dude alright go ahead about your fucking bullshit I do promise December 17th in all of New York please come out I'll be there and also January 15th at the Helium Alpharetta please please come woo And Optimum Noctis, December 16th, actually.

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31:57Something like that. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Matt. Let's do it. Who the f*** is this episode brought to you by?

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33:03Shane Gillis:That's rockmoney.com slash MSSP. That is pretty wild. I always wondered, though, why didn't Suge Knight then try to kill Diddy? You know what I mean? If it was definitely him And he was in the car He saw the gunman So I was curious Why Suge Knight Didn't try to kill Did he? No he didn't He's in jail right now Suge Knight's in jail? I think he's in jail Maybe he ran over that guy Yeah Yeah I watched a weird Like Like one of the Sean Blazington Type videos Of Them interviewing Suge Knight And he was Corroborating everything That 50 was saying Really? He's really skinny now I mean I don't know Maybe I shouldn't talk about this What the hell We think you're going to get touched The culture is speculating That he has like an Autoimmune deficiency Type deal He might What the hell What the fuck I'm not judging It's like a crazy conspiracy He probably does Oh you're saying Autoimmune I'm saying Suge has AIDS That's what the culture was saying In the YouTube video That I watched I don't like that I don't like it I'm just I don't know why I even brought it up I don't like talking about that.

34:10Shane Gillis:But him having AIDS potentially? Yeah, I don't even really want to talk about it. Oh, you thought he might have been. You're afraid Suge's going to get you. Sean Gardini. Sean Gardini. You have to be scared that Suge's going to get you. Yeah, I'm not fucking saying it. I'm saying Sean Gardini is saying that on a pretty massive platform. Yeah. You're going to edit this out. No, I'm not. Well, I'm not going to edit it out. You're just saying with the streets. You got your ear to the streets. Yeah, the streets are talking. I'm not, you know. He could just yell like Jailhouse Ozempic. Yeah, it could be.

34:39It could be cooking up some OZ. Or just good diet and exercise. True. Allegedly.

34:47Shane Gillis:This is all alleged. These are all alleged rumors. We need that documentary. LaMare, you got to spearhead that doc. How did EZs get AIDS? Straight out of Compton, dude. He got to spearhead a documentary. He's puking. LaMare, it's time to take control. I think LaMare has AIDS. No, not yet. Not yet. Do people even get AIDS anymore? People still get it, I guess. Yeah. But it's totally manageable from what I heard. Yeah. Like, I've had it now for like 10 years. It's not a big deal. I catch it right around when the seasons change. I got it. Once I got my third booster, I got HIV. It wasn't a big deal.

35:24Shane Gillis:It wasn't a huge deal at all. Just kidding. Anyway. Oh, there's a lot of college football drama. Enough of Matt's hip-hop corner. Now it's time for Shane's sports corner. We've covered the culture. Now it's time to cover sports. No name got butt fucked. Not a big deal. No name got diddied in front of everybody. And that's fine. We got diddlered about as hard as it gets. Who done it? It was a committee. It was a committee. They, they, they lied on us for weeks. They lied on us. They put us, they ranked us ahead of Miami and Alabama for, for weeks and weeks. And then both teams not playing. They go, man, they're better.

36:05Wait a second. How the hell does that work? Now look, I'll give them Bama or excuse me. I'll give them Miami because Miami, they both went 10 and two and Miami beat them. Granted, it was week zero. It was in August and Notre Dame starting a freshman quarterback for the first time on the road and they lost by a field goal with one minute left.

36:22Shane Gillis:Okay. Still, they played the game and they lost. Yeah. Give us the 1993 title. Now we get the 93 title if that's how we're doing it. But then Miami proceeds to lose to SMU and Louisville, who are fair to Midland. Quality, but fair to Midland. Those are not great losses. Notre Dame rattles off 10 straight wins by an average of 30 points a game. Killed everybody the rest of the year. But push comes to shove. They give it to the head-to-head winner, which I can – I was all for Miami getting in over Notre Dame in that scenario. But Bama is 9-2 or 10-2 going into the conference championship game. Now, the logic is you shouldn't be punished for playing a conference championship game.

37:06It's an extra game against Georgia, who's one of the best teams. Yeah. But you get killed in the conference championship game. You get killed. You lose 28-7 with negative three rushing yards total. You get bullied. Yeah. Don't move. Don't drop a single rank. You stay above Notre Dame. Come on now. That's fucking bullshit. That's crazy. That is crazy. But it's just the.

37:30Shane Gillis:That's drama. And people are people kind of gloating, sending you nasty stuff. Obviously, I'm still receiving nasty messages nonstop. Fuck Notre Dame. Fuck you. You fucking pussy. And that's fine. What does it affect, though? Is it just the standings? Well, that knocked Notre Dame out of the playoffs. What? Miami and Alabama. Miami and Alabama got in. Notre Dame's out. That's fucking bullshit, bro. It hurt, bro. I woke up that morning going, Notre Dame might win a national championship. Oh. Dude, watched. It's a live show that they unveil the rankings and who's in. And everybody's like, oh, shit.

38:03Because all the ESPN announcers, the whole time, they're like, Notre Dame should be out. They've advocated against Notre Dame. So I'm getting a little worried. I'm like, fuck, they're going to fuck us. Then I check the Vegas odds, and Notre Dame's a lock. I'm like, all right, so Vegas thinks Notre Dame's in. I'm confident.

38:19Shane Gillis:Yeah. Notre Dame gets fucked. What? So I go from thinking, we got a chance this year. We got a lot of talent. We could compete for a title. So then later that day, they declined to even play in a bowl game, and the season's just over. What? Yeah, Notre Dame's done. Why don't they play the bowl game? It's a good question, Matt, but I like it. I like their decision. They're like, fuck you guys then. Yeah, they were like, fuck you guys then, because it would have made ESPN and the ACC money, and both of them campaigned against Notre Dame. Yeah, let them feel the pain. Also, half our team was going to sit out, because it's meaningless.

38:48They were like, all right, you can't win a national title, but you can play in the fucking Pop-Dart Bowl in Orlando. Fuck you.

38:55Shane Gillis:How are they looking next year? I mean, I'm already thinking next year. They're fucking, they're going to be nasty, brother. I was going to say, yeah. They're going to be fine. And they got a chip on their shoulder. And guess who's coming to town next season? Miami. Ooh, we're going to fuck them up, dude. I can't wait. Yeah, it's going to be a fun one. Yeah, dude. I kind of like them getting snubbed and having a little chip on their shoulder. I do too, but the thing that hurts is we'll never get to see Jeremiah Love run the rock for the Irish again. That sucks. Devastating. I thought I'd get a few more games out.

39:21Who do they got?

39:22Shane Gillis:Who do they got? Is there a young team, aren't they? They are, but we lose. We'll be all right. Transfers and the recruiting classes the last couple years have been pretty nasty. Yeah. This year's. I'm so excited to see these young boys play football. True. I'm sorry that happened. That sucks. Yeah, it was a devastating day. Then the Eagles lost in embarrassing fashion again. Forget that. Bears lost for the Packers, too. Yeah. I was rooting the Bears on. I understand rooting for the Bears. It's my number two team. You got to support the Bears. Especially versus the Packs. Especially like those consistent basement dwellers finally being good.

39:55Yeah, true. That's fun, dude. You see the Lions come out of the basement, you go, look at you boys. It'd be like if the Browns were good, you'd go, fuck yeah. But more importantly, Michigan's head coach just got fired yesterday. For what? Originally, it was for cause. So on the contract, you can get fired and not get, like if you have a cause to get fired. Okay. So the initial statement is for cause. That's a general. And then you go, what did he do? He was banging a couple of the female recruiting assistants. Bro. And yeah, there's some nasty footage out there. Really? Him standing next to her before a game.

40:38Apparently a text that came out that was just like, yo, come give me a head. Now that one, I don't know how valid that is. But then he got detained by the cops. What? Allegedly.

40:48Shane Gillis:For what? I don't know. I think he went to somebody's house and I think he threatened, uh, I think he threatened to exit this word, the, the earth, you know, Whoa, publicly. I think he said, you want to fucking ruin my life, respectable power move, respectable power move, obviously. Now those are alleged allegations. That is a, I mean, it's respectable if you're wiling out that hard and then it's like everything I'm guessing. Wife and kids. So that's where it's like, I'd imagine that that's kind of the last move to be like, I'll kill my fucking self dude God forbid I had a little bit of fun Now you want to ruin my whole life I am going to kill myself And it's your fault The thing we gotta find out Because this is classic dirty Michigan Classic dirty Michigan Now Did they know that this happened Because somebody tweeted about it Like two weeks ago A little Sandusky Joe pie Somebody said I know what Sharon's getting fired and this is why and everybody ignored it.

41:48Now, the reason they would ignore it is so they could sign their recruiting class that they already had committed and then go, actually, that guy's a scumbag. He's out. But you got signed. You got to play for Michigan. They tried to, they tricked high school kids on top of their coach being a dirtbag. And I, you know, dirtbag's strong, but it's getting a little hit. Come on.

42:08Shane Gillis:Boils. I mean, although that kind of stuff. I can't. That stuff boils down to the team, though. If you're in such a leadership position, you can't be out here wowing out like that. Lamar, could you do some research? Is there a quarterback transferring? From Michigan? Yeah, Underwood. I feel like if I were to coach a college program, I'd be like, guys, I'm not going to come this entire season unless we win the championship. Yeah, and which is what they had. Their last coach, their national champion coach, Jim Harbaugh. Yeah, just a beast. Full-blown autist. Really? He would never come like that.

42:38No, you can't. He'd literally be like, what?

42:42Shane Gillis:What are you talking about? Yeah, I feel like for the— He's drinking milk, dude. that's the best he drinks milk he doesn't he takes his shirt off to play seven on seven dude with high school kids he wore tacky's shirtless and played seven on seven he's the fucking jim harvall is the man yeah i feel like as a coach you can't try to be out here getting pussy and be cool dude you got to be totally focused on the game i agree i mean players obviously should be too but when i hear about coaches trying to get pussy i'm like dude knock it off man wait till you find out about lane kiffin what's up with him who's bad man boys He's a real bad man.

43:14He's not afraid to talk to college girls while being the head coach at Ole Miss. Can't do it, man. Which, can you blame him? Bro, can you imagine? Sorority girls from Ole Miss.

43:26Shane Gillis:So are they trying to take down the coach like that? Yeah, well, the only reason they're taking down Lane Kiffin now is because he left to take the LSU job from Ole Miss, which his team has one loss and they're going to the playoffs, and he still quit. The whole sport's just. Yeah, what the hell's going on? Money. Yeah. Money changed the sport entirely. Damn, these guys are superstars now. They're all stars. Players, coaches, they're all, it's strictly business. Yeah. Brian Kelly taught us that at Notre Dame, dude. We've been burned before. True. But we got diddied. We fucking, we hired him after he made, he took Cincinnati from, like, Cincinnati.

44:02Yeah. Took him to a Sugar Bowl, like, undefeated. And then he quit before the bowl to take the Notre Dame job. Abandoned his team before the biggest game in school history.

44:10Shane Gillis:Kind of crazy, man. It was kind of the right move because they were playing Florida and they were definitely going to get buttfucked. I went undefeated. You guys fucking lost. And I got 30 mil. Yeah, I mean, couldn't they just let them play that one last game? Sometimes they do that, but yeah. Or they're like, we need you. Hurry up. Yeah. Get over here. And when Kiffin left, he took a lot of the staff, too. Ole Miss lost the coaching staff. Dang. I didn't know there was so much drama going down. A lot of drama. I still think with all the apps now that you have to like, if you want to watch a sport, it's like, does YouTube TV cover like every sport thing?

44:46Shane Gillis:Or is there still teams where it's like you got to pay a monthly thing? It depends. If you're Notre Dame and you're a national brand and everyone loves you, you're going to be on TV. Yeah, for sure. No, they cover the big games, yeah. I feel like the gambling apps, the least they can do is pull together some money and just stream every game for free. Of course. That's what they should do. That would be the right thing. I think I saw that at a bar, which is the smartest thing I've seen, was one of those, like, FanDuel or DraftKings or one of those had a TV network, and it was showing, like, Serbian basketball at, like, 3 a.m.

45:18That's the least they can do. It's like, that's what you, first off, you're going to make so much money. Yeah, true. Get the rights to Japanese fucking baseball.

45:24Shane Gillis:Yeah. And just show it at fucking 3 a.m. when everyone's drunk. Especially, I think that's the least they can do, especially after, like, you know, the guy who was on the app for six months, lost everything, punched his wife's in jail. he should at least be able to watch sports in jail he should be like sponsored by fuck i wish i could be gambling on this fucking bitch wife said i'm not allowed but at least they're streaming every game for free which because that's what i've been hearing it's like a pain in the ass like where's the game on like oh you need this thing you gotta go to this app and it's like certain sports like baseball especially here in texas where it's like you can't get local yeah like i had to buy the baseball thing to watch the phillies yeah nate had to buy the league pass to watch the 76ers, who are still fun.

46:04That Lakers game, look, I hate to lose, but watching LeBron have fun. Watching LeBron have fun. The only thing I did like is the crowd was so hyped for him, but I got it at the same time. You get to watch LeBron hoop one last time. When he would dunk, I was like, oh, still got it. He's been playing, how long has he been in the league now? It has to be like 21 years, 22 years. What? Yeah. Yeah, I was in like... We were kids. Yeah, we were kids.

46:32Shane Gillis:Jesus Christ, that's crazy. He's played against players and their dads. He's been in the league so long, he's played against dads that now have sons. He's dropped 30 on generations. Yeah, yeah. He's dunked on fucking different generations. Yeah, he's kind of a man. He is. I'm a Stoudemire. It's in the NBA because we're running. What did you do to Stoudemire? He's Thanos, dude. He killed the Stoudemire The Hardaways Everyone's getting fucking Whole family lines Getting wiped The Currys are next The Curry yeah

47:12Shane Gillis:I'm rooting for LeBron's son Everyone was hating on him Kind of rooting for him Oh you know who I'm rooting for? Shador Are you really? Is he turning around? I started cheering for him When he dropped in the draft Yeah It'd be fun to see him do well And unfortunately got sent To the fucking Browns Where Yeah You're never going to, every quarterback that's ever been sent there just dies. True. But he played all right. He's doing all right. Is he really? He's starting now the rest of the season. It's kind of sick. Yeah. I hope he does well. Also, Deion kind of shut the fuck up a little this year.

47:40He chilled out. I think his team sucked. What did Colorado do? Well, Mayor, what was Colorado football's record? And did Bryce Underwood transfer from Michigan? They're saying it looks like it. It didn't, like, give them a minute.

47:57Shane Gillis:Yeah, you don't really hear much about the Buffalo. That was big news. They were, and then the Buffaloes never really did a single thing, so they kind of had to move on. Yeah, that was kind of exciting. They were just stoking racial division as hard as they could. I know, that was crazy. That was crazy. Just for the check for 2024, dude. They were 3-9 this year. They were 3-9. Yeah. Cool. I had a feeling because Neon was awfully quiet. So they didn't change. It's time to take the humble approach. Didn't change the game after all. That was, that was like posing it like it was like a sports revolution that was going to change the game.

48:31they had a black coach. It's the first time in the history of football. That's crazy. Other than Notre Dame. But whatever. Maybe he's not a dick. But yeah, that's another one. Like I would shit on them and then you look into how fucking nasty Dion was and it's like, I understand why he's insane. Yeah. He deserves to be insane. He was like the greatest.

48:55Shane Gillis:Dude, every time we played backyard football, it would just be 12 kids pretending to be Neon Deon every time. In the high step? Yeah, the whole time. Yeah, high step, a little shuffle when you score. The whole time. Yeah, that's good sports talk, though. There's a lot going on. I'm hitting you with the girl version of sports talk. You know what I mean? I'm giving you the drama. I'm giving you the dirty deets. We're not talking ball. We're talking off-field issues. We're talking the narrative. We're talking. You know I love the narrative. You guys see your boy Kiffin. what's he up to just the the text the girls are you can't obviously dude if you talk to college girls they're gonna fucking post it i know and they take they would like one girl would hold her snapchat and the other girl would take a picture of it and be kiff and be like don't tell your boyfriend about this ha ha come over to my house it's like dude you you're cucking a fucking high school a fucking college kid i know that's evil i know some poor kid there's a fan of yours that's a fan of the school.

49:49He's going to the games. Just slides.

49:51Shane Gillis:Toddy, toddy. Come on, Ole Miss. Slides the visor backwards. Time for a blowjob. Yeah, I just don't like the idea of coaches getting a bunch of pussy from Kyle. It just bothers me. Bothers me deeply. It should, dude. You're a hardball man. True. You would love Jim Harbaugh. I really like the sound. As much as I talk shit on Michigan, Harbaugh's the man. Yeah, I just. They cheated, but awesome. True. I wish Notre Dame would cheat. I don't give a fuck. cheat wait please true thanks for forgetting this later this episode is brought to you by aura frames oh yeah last minute shopping for gifts is the worst the shelves have been picked clean and really if you've been putting it off this long there's a good chance you have no idea what they even want you know every year oh yeah i struggle before you do anything i just need you to riff for me daddy riff on something about uh aura frames for me daddy no i like to uh i like to give them to my mom i've told you this before i like to give them to my mom me my brothers sisters pictures of us as babies in the bathtub then i have some ones from us when we were like a little older in the bathtub and we're actually recreating the whole family in the bathtub we need to get a copy of that yeah i need a copy of cousins and all we're all going to get in there and just do like different shots kind of like a calendar situation so just us our children all of us in the bathtub james is doing that with his daddy james's dad getting in the splish splash save yourself the stress and get them a personal gift that doesn't scream last minute an aura digital picture frame can you imagine matt i need you to riff again dude riff for me daddy this is another riff about the aura frame oh man the one thing i really like about it man we have a couple we have them all through our house there are frames everywhere and i have a picture of myself for my eyes it's like a portrait but my eyes actually move oh wow people come by i go and i go got you you know everybody comes in you go uh that's something that's a fun that's a fun thing you can do and it comes in a premium gift box so you don't even have to worry about wrapping it Think about that.

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52:30Shane Gillis:Yeah, that's fucking crazy, man. Who do you got for the NFL? Winning the stupid bowl. The birds. The birds are going to come back. I know it. I know it. I know we're going to come back. Are they even in the wild card, Ronnie? Yeah. They're still top of the division. Okay. But they're sliding. Yeah, what the hell is going on? They just lost three straight. Do you think it was? And that means they lost five of the last seven. Right? Because it was two losses, then two wins, then three losses. It's not too late to turn on the Jets, but I don't know, man. I think it's just the— They looked all right.

53:07In the loss, I don't mean to make an excuse. A lot of turnovers, a lot of unfortunate turnovers. Yeah. A.J. Brown, yeah, but he had a game. And Saquon looked good. They could run the ball a little. Let's get some designed runs to Jalen Hurts. What's the point of having him stand back there and throw? Let's use his legs a little.

53:25Shane Gillis:Dude, I'm not against you on that. Let's get a fucking designed run. Don't you think, though, it's a little just like post-Super Bowl curse? It's got to be hard to play the season after. For sure. You're partying up after winning the big Super Bowl. I think I already wrote off the season. After they won the Super Bowl, I was like, they're not going to do very well. You've got to let them taste the pain. You've got to let them taste the pain, and then maybe they'll come back again. I didn't want to deflate your guys' spirits, but I saw you guys cheering for the birds. I'm like, guys, this is not their year.

53:51I knew going into the season. No, it is a true thing. It's very difficult to repeat. It's crazy. A lot of teams don't make the playoffs after they win.

53:58Shane Gillis:Yeah, I don't know how you would. It'd be impossible. I would still be celebrating like three years later. I would never shut up about it. Every play, I'd be sacked, 15-yard loss. But yeah, last year we won the whole fucking thing. It was so sick. Get a ring, pussy. I would wear my ring. Anybody that tackle me, I'd go, dude, you'll never win. It's already over. I'm done. Like, dude, I already cashed in. I'm done. It's also funny, dude. Just getting hit really hard. Be like, yeah, whatever, pussy. Well, even with like Kels, it's like, dude, him and his brother have a bazillion dollar podcast. I think Kelsey's having a good year, though.

54:29Shane Gillis:You had a rough game this week. I'm sure he's good, but it's like, you wouldn't catch me going across the middle, the ball a little bit high across the middle. I'm like, yeah, I got a million-dollar podcast to do one day. I'm not going for that. I'm going to talk about fucking, I'm going to sell fucking toilet paper and shit. I'm not doing this. Getting crushed across the middle by a young, hungry middle linebacker. Like, yeah, I'm good. You can have that. I'm also married to Taylor Swift. Yeah. I don't have to catch that ball. yeah i'm gonna get someone i'm gonna go to outer space i'll be on the moon pussy someone to catch that for me bro yeah he's got that long money now true i'm gonna i'm gonna hire a tight end of my own put him out there you should be able to do that i like the draft in the civil war you should be like 300 bucks i can send someone else out i know what i always want people to do just all the young people out there working it's like i don't understand why people don't do this if you have a remote job from my understanding it doesn't take up that much of your time like it doesn't take it's not like a 40 hour non-stop thing you're at your house you're kind of answering emails apply for three or four remote jobs get all of them and then outsource it all to dudes in like pakistan do like data entry some like easy dumb bullshit and then just get like three salaries at once get like three like modest salaries and then just hire you hire a fucking warehouse in yes you You can hire dudes on Fiverr and give them fuck.

55:54Shane Gillis:You can get 30 bucks an hour and pay dudes 10 and just have like four salary jobs and just boss up. It's the future of probably what dudes were doing with like contracts. Yeah. Being like, yeah, I'll sign this contract to redo your porch. Yeah. You can sub it out and go, I'm going to fucking Home Depot right now and be like, boys, I'll give you 10 bucks. Go build that fucking porch. I know. That's what I'm saying. But nobody subs out white. You never hear about an employee subbing out. Yeah. They got that. They got the broke. They got the broke mind virus. They do. it's the broke mind all they know is just sitting there sweatpants in their house but oh i don't feel like going on this zoom it's like hold on a second there's that's not the broke mind that's what i'm doing right now sitting in sweatpants going i don't feel like going on tv or the zoom yeah but just wail out just fucking black screen guy from fucking nepaul just be like yes buddy sorry guys have a cold excuse my accent like yes buddy very good you're talking to four indian guys it's a nice fucking squad just like chorus like yes okay that'd be awesome that guys i'm actually working for a remote i'm in fucking kabul right now forgive my internet connection yeah time it's a great idea man i'm telling you i wish i wish people would do that i would do that right now if i had to get a job again i would i would just get nine jobs i'd apply for nine jobs get as many as I can.

57:17Shane Gillis:Completely lie on your resume as hard as you can. You have a company, dude, at that point. Yeah. You'd be the boss. Be the boss. You're the employee boss. You'd be an employee, but the boss. You'd be the secret boss. Also, it's so easy to get those jobs. Just be like, find like a local, especially if you're in like a shitty town, just where people are kind of, you know, you just go to like a car dealership and be like, I'll be the social media manager. Dude. Done. Any data entry job. Just go to any, any shitty company and go, I'll be your social media manager. You've got to hire an Indian to post shit on Facebook once a week.

57:48Piece of cake. Five grand a month.

57:50Shane Gillis:True. Here we go. True. That's all you've got to do. That's the business corner. We did the sports corner, now we're in business. Now back to business. Now. What is this, the money channel? Put it out, man. Dude, I did a last two nights ago. I got to go to my kids' Christmas concert for the school. Dude. Must have rocked. It was so awesome. It's also funny. Did you tear up at all? Yeah, big time. I was like laughing. Seeing the little angels? Dude, especially, yeah, the youngest went up too, and she was like facing the wrong way. I don't know how, just facing sideways. She was sitting there like, turn around.

58:30Shane Gillis:Dude, I was dying because all the kids, they take it all very seriously. Yeah. And then I just watched my daughter just like turn around, and she would start like poking people next to her. And then like a part of the song, she knew it, and she would turn around and put her hands here and be like, singing as loud as you could. But it was funny because as kids get older, you know, like kindergarten, it's still boys and girls going pretty hard. Once you hit like second, third grade, you can see the boys start being like, I don't want to do this shit anymore. And the girls carry the performance so hard.

58:58Shane Gillis:The boys are like, they had to clap and move a little bit. And you see the girls just like belting it out. The dudes are just existing being like, come on, man. Let me the fuck out. It's so funny watching that as the years progress to where dudes just immediately are like, I'm not doing this shit. Girls really take that shit so seriously. They never stop taking that kind of shit seriously. If you were to get like eight women right now, like, yeah, you guys got to make up a dance and put on a song and they'd be like, okay. They would be so serious about it. It's going to look like shit. But it was really funny.

59:30Shane Gillis:It was taking me back to grade school when you just sit up there and you're like, God damn it, I feel so weird. My brother's out there laughing at me right now. I got fucked every year on that. Every year I'd be like, I'm going to get a good role in this. They'd put me in the back. The fucking tableau What was it called? Like where you do the nativity scene? Yeah, yeah Isn't it the tableau? I don't know if it's called the tableau It's called something It could be It's gonna be tough to Google it I always wanted to be a shepherd or a wise man I got shepherd one And I got a Hold a banner and go like this Just shake a banner What were you aiming for?

1:00:03Shane Gillis:Like Joseph? I could've got Joseph You wanted Joseph? I could've got Baby J Baby J would've been nice I could've laid down and gone Wah Wah

1:00:14Shane Gillis:just rise up and go on and just skip forward and start attacking the jews they're here get them you will not turn my father's temple but yeah man that was uh the concert was sick it was very funny watching you told me you're doing that and i was like damn that's gonna be nice oh so nice dude yeah this one like dude my takes it so seriously we have i have video footage tableau fuck yeah i knew it's awesome It's in there. That was a big moment. Get snubbed on the tableau. We had a play for all the kids that could be nice and act and be good. And then all the shitty kids were in the tableau where all you have to do is stand there for like five seconds and pretend to be the nativity.

1:00:51Shane Gillis:Yeah, but did you get to hold a cane as a shepherd? I got to hold a cane one year and then the next year I literally just stood behind everyone and shook a banner back and forth. My parents had to be like, this kid's a fucking bum already. He's a fucking loser. There's fucking 20 kids in his class. He got the last. He got the last job. I've told this before. We had to do a play, and I immediately, it was like, I was so older brother-pilled that I was like, nah, dude, being in any place gay, I'm stage crew. Well, that's what happened. I got in there, and you're supposed to audition. I was like, I'm not going to fucking do this.

1:01:26I'm going to make fun of this. Then you get the back on the band. I'm holding the banner going, fuck. That guy looks cool as shit, dude. He got to play Joseph. And the girl I liked played Mary She looked fucking hot as fuck as Mary Why is it always

1:01:40Shane Gillis:How do they know the hottest chick is Mary Every time Did you guys do a May procession What's that We did this thing It's actually kind of pagan now that I think about it But in our Catholic school we would do this thing Where it was like around May The hottest chick would be Mary Basically It was like the May Queen It's pagan dude It is kind of pagan bro Fully pagan It was very pagan But we'd have the May Queen You know a little sprinkling For the May Queen And we'd like follow It was like a procession They would just take like The hottest chick With the biggest boobs In your class They'd be like yeah She's married She's got the biggest tits She's married She's married She's married She's married She's like she could Bear a child And yeah And we'd all just like Follow her And that was the one I'd be like God she looks so beautiful Dude this is That would That would fuck me up Yeah But during the play I remember a stage crew As soon as any of the actors Would get called It was like their cue To go out I would hold on to the back of their costume.

1:02:31Shane Gillis:Come on, let me go, let me go. We'd do that in stand-up. Yeah. Yeah, I'd grab people over there, like, oh, you're going out. Get the fuck off me, fuck off me, dude. Yeah, it was so fun. But yeah, my cousin landed the hero role. He landed, like, the main role, and we were all just backstage. And he kind of killed it, and we were all just like, pfft, dude, like a bitch. That's so lame. And you'd see him on stage next to the babe, and you'd be like, fuck you. I wish I was there next to the babe and sit him in the back. Fuck. Yeah, it was awesome. Christmas play ruled. Then you sing Joy to the World at the end.

1:03:03Same at the end of Christmas Mass. That's the only time I would belt in church. You could get me belted. I would hit the hardest.

1:03:10Shane Gillis:JTW? Yes. That'd be awesome. You guys don't know shit about JTW. Was it a world? Yeah. I wasn't counting. You got kicked out for being a sex pervert. But I made it through seven grades of it. I went through. I did the singing. Well, we didn't have to do a play, though. We had to just. You were the donkey in the play. I was always whatever. They brought you out dressed like a donkey. No. They said, get the sex pervert in the donkey suit. Yeah, what were you, Nate? Were you like a wise man from the East? We didn't do the play. You're from Zambibia. I said, there's a wise man from Zambibia coming up.

1:03:44He's here in red in Pennsylvania. We did the songs from Sister Act. I had to do the rap part. Which one? Huh? Joyful, Joyful Lord, it was called. Yeah, and I still remember the lyrics. I was hoping it was going to be Oh Happy Day. That was a good one. That was great. I think we might have to do that too, but I didn't do. Those are the two songs. We always did two from a movie. I can't remember. I just remember doing Joyful, Joyful Lord, and then we did the year before that we did Oliver, and it was just like food, glorious food. I don't know why, but that's what we did. That's nice. That's awesome.

1:04:17LaMera, did you ever participate in any holiday plays? No. Why not? I don't think my school could afford it Could afford a fucking play It's free In Detroit? It's free Yeah but like They didn't like They didn't make us do it No it's not I think Redding in Detroit I think Redding might have a case here It's just It's smaller But it's you know It's just Hey dude look it up Pretty fucking poor Although Detroit Might be holding it down As number one poorest Yeah It might have the broke mind virus Why are you competing? Why are you competing for poverty? It's not good. That was Gardini.

1:05:01Shane Gillis:He came up with that. Give credit where it's due. Yeah. The Gardineler. I have a surprise behind me if you want to. What is it? Okay, hold on. It's a birthday cake for Shane. Shane's birthday today. It's your special day. You got on that little bitty cake? I thought it was going to be bigger. I thought it was going to be bigger, and I thought it was supposed to come with candles, too. And they didn't give me the candles. There's no cake. You got me a cupcake. Bro, that's a slap in the fucking face. Show that to the camera. Yeah, yeah. I was talking to you. Text this part about you. You want to get Shane a cake?

1:05:37Shane Gillis:I'm like, yeah, get him a cake. I didn't know. Bro, that's a slap in the fucking face. Smack it out of his hand. I will. You bring this to me on my day?

1:05:48No. That was... The cake's perfectly intact. That was Matthew's idea Slap it I would never do something Oh it's an Oreo cake Thank you

1:05:57Shane Gillis:Did you walk four miles And get it Did you walk and get it No no I didn't This looks very good I got it delivered Thank you It needs to be defrosted Before serving I got him a frozen cupcake You got me a frozen cupcake We gotta Let it sit at room temperature For 30 to 45 minutes What the fuck is happening I mean No candles No candles I ordered the candles. Cupcake. They forgot the candles. Oh, man. He did buy me some Zunes this morning. That's Jill. And I tried to get candles at the CVS. They didn't have them. That's okay. I appreciate the effort. Thank you. Yeah, the cake is nice. It's not very nice.

1:06:35Shane Gillis:It's so tiny. It said it served four to five people. Yeah, what the? No, it won't. There's false advertising.

1:06:46Shane Gillis:Dude, that's fucked up. I tried so hard for you guys. That's so fucked up. And then you guys could be eating one fucking cupcake. I tried to get you a nice cake. No, I don't want a cake. I knew you wouldn't want it. That's the best possible scenario. A tiny frozen cake. Where did you get that from? Amy's ice cream. They fucked me, so fuck Amy's ice cream. Totally fucked you. They said four to five people, and I ordered the candles for five extra dollars, and they did not give me the candles. So Amy's, you want my shit list? No, Amy's is great Amy's ice cream is good ice cream But not even for their fucking birthday cakes I like ice cream cakes So that's why I hate ice cream cake I've always hated ice cream cake Ever since I was younger I was so pumped when someone got an ice cream cake I hated that shit I don't like cake See, I like cake and I like ice cream Like Funfetti though Funfetti cake Get some vanilla on there You guys could have got Funfetti cake Guys I'm 38 years old I need a funfetti cake What color frosting?

1:07:56Funfetti frosting I like the way The sprinkled taste in there

1:08:02Shane Gillis:Dude he really It's like I can taste them man Yeah When you have them These do give you a taste Because it is just vanilla It's a delicious treat But funfetti is so fucking good Funfetti ice cream Lamar what did you get me For my birthday? Just a big fat puke In the toilet Just a puke in my bathroom You jacked off in my house And said happy birthday brother I'm going to spill every bodily fluid In your house for your birthday I did eat some chicken alfredo he made this week Where'd you get those noodles? They were quality Everything he made I couldn't believe how good it was He made chicken alfredo It was fucking delicious Everything Jabri learns He has a twin Everything his twin learns He learns too Jabri went to culinary school And LeMere got the download he did honestly learn everything jabri knows not everything everything

1:09:00yeah we were talking about 38 is a useless age yeah it's pretty dumb yeah nobody gives a shit 38 39 i also i thought i was 38 this whole year did you it was one of those yeah i've been already yeah i don't know no i've been 40 my whole this whole year if anyone

1:09:16Shane Gillis:asked me i'm like i'm 40 pretty goes you're actually 39 i go shut the hell up i'm fucking 40 yeah 39 is embarrassing 39 is like don't even talk to me about my age i'm fucking 50 right now i'm 75 i'm dead yeah i'm my spotify i identify as my spotify age 73 i think 73 i'm an old soul but yeah dude i was i was telling you before i came here just i from i think from saturday morning i had like a two-day hangover from for sure staying out all night went to like a kid's b day at like 11 a.m. And I was like, I could have just slept, but I woke up and I'm like, I slept in at like 10.30. I was like, I'm up.

1:09:50Shane Gillis:That's just crazy. I never sleep in this late. Go to this fucking birthday at like a Ninja Warrior course. I'm just like, my head is killing me. My eyes, my skin felt weird. Yeah, dude, we were up so late. It was horrible. Kids B-Day is insane. Dude, it was absolutely brutal. And then I go, I take a nap. Before I take a nap, Brittany goes, oh, we have a bar crawl today. And I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. So I take a nap, wake up still hung over yeah and at like 6 30 p.m we all went out first to like get food and drinks and i just like drank a martini or a which i'm gonna call it espresso martini just to fight the hangover off and then just sat there just at every bar like oh you only had you only had one i had and then i sipped like you got drinks the problem was every year i last year i had you ever have a buttered rum i'm not sure dude buttered rum is maybe the perfect holiday drink and It's just rum warmed up with like a quarter stick of butter and maple syrup and cinnamon.

1:10:49Shane Gillis:Oh, I remember it last year. And it was just such a treat. I looked forward to it all year going, can we go back? I can't wait to go back to Miracle on Fifth Street. I'm getting a buttered rum. Show up. We only have coconut hot chocolate. I go, motherfucker, bro. I'm so hungover. And I was I was banking on this. I was going to get an espresso martini and a buttered rum and then feel better tomorrow. And they didn't have it. And I might have to make my own buttered rum. You should. I am. I'm going to make one on Christmas. I'm going to put, I'm going to, you know, trigger warning to anyone who believes in Santa Claus.

1:11:19Shane Gillis:I'm going to put all the Christmas gifts together and I'm going to have a buttered rum and then another one at Christmas dinner. Yeah. I can't wait. That's something to look forward to. No, I can't wait. I looked forward to it all fucking year. Yeah, that's a holiday treat. In my darkest hour going, I don't see the buttered rum on the menu, but I sure like one. They were not making one. Oh my God. I can tell you if I was, if I had gone on a bar crawl that day, I would have blacked out. Yeah. I would have gone as hard as I could to escape the pain of that hangover. See, I... I laid in the tomb and just took it on the fucking chin, dude.

1:11:49Fucking wish, man.

1:11:50Shane Gillis:I was dying. Watched college football all day, just laid there. True. Then watched Notre Dame get absolutely buttfucked the next day. Oh, you added that on. I was watching the Alabama game going, they're out. We're in. They have to be out. They had negative rushing yards. How? Notre Dame had more rushing yards than Alabama. in the conference championship game couldn't you do like a negative like a math equation where you go like stat for stat almost you can't and no names ahead but i guess there is strength is schedule yeah no day i'm had a week-ass schedule yeah what are you gonna do there's nothing we can do teams are backing out all they they they joined two conferences now so they're kind of like two super conferences it's just the big ten in the sec so they're kind of they're starting to like they kind of fucking hate that Notre Dame's independent.

1:12:41Right.

1:12:42Shane Gillis:Is there like a Vince McMahon behind this all? Like putting these all together? No. I mean there's commissioners of conferences for sure but there's just a ton of money in the SEC in the Big Ten. So these schools like Texas and Oklahoma they were Big 12. It used to be a geographical fun time. That makes sense, yeah. Now it's not. Now UCLA's playing fucking Rutgers. What the fuck is that? What are we talking about? Yeah, what the hell's that about? In fucking women's volleyball. they gotta get on a fucking charter plane on a fucking Wednesday night you're playing in New Jersey yeah that's kind of nuts actually you're just a beautiful girl from UCLA god I wish I was a beautiful girl from UCLA I know instead of my 38 year old fucking slob you know what a beautiful girl from UCLA would've gotten on her birthday oh my god diamond bracelet dude she would've gotten the whole world what'd I get a broken cake from a fucking shitty wop I'm a disgusting WAP smoking cigarettes The cake smells like cigarettes It was from all of us by the way You guys all chipped in Sean quarterbacked it This is from all four of you You guys each pay 50 cents You guys chipped in 75 cents How much was that cake?

1:13:54It was 25 bucks plus 5 for the candles

1:13:59Shane Gillis:You got him a$5 cake? No 25 $25. Yeah, it's kind of fucked me in the eyes. I am with you. You think you get a, you know. Yeah. It's$4. At least an 8-incher. I was hoping for 8 inches. Pause. I was looking for 8 inches. Never came. Game Shane, the micro bird. Yeah, sorry. You did give me the micro bird. That's the thought that counts. Can you imagine if I was a UCLA volleyball girl? I mean, bro. What my birthday would be like today? I've been crazy, bro. Instead, it's just I'm going to lay here. Champagne. I'm going to play Hell Let Loose. Champagne everywhere. I'm going to get the Ocon Man on the horn.

1:14:34True. Me and his cousin are going to play Hell Let Loose. I'm going to get killed every five seconds. Jog.

1:14:43Gosh darn it. Well. Well. We did it. Yeah.

1:14:47Shane Gillis:Happy birthday. Thanks, man. Happy birthday. Another one in the books, dude. True. We did it. Yeah. All right. Join the Patreon. I mean, we're going to go crazy on the Patreon. I've been actually, I'm going to talk about Beowulf. I started reading Beowulf again. Perfect. It's the best book ever. Thank you. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.

1:15:16Good energy in. Good energy out.

1:15:24storm zero sugar 200 milligrams of caffeine and immunity support storm energy for life i'm glenn washington host of snap judgment the award-winning storytelling podcast from kqed every week snap deals a new card like the girl whose sister was a monkey or a man who lived in in the woods for 30 years, or even the woman who snuck her lover out of prison in a dog crate. Pick a card, any card. Tap to listen now to Snap Judgment from KQED on Spotify.