Ep 590 - Wildcat

20:45Shane Gillis:Dude, I know. I've seen it. Sliding's fucking nasty as hell. I'm just saying deep down inside, I might be a Glover. Sliding's sick, but imagine if we pitched out this house, black light or total, you know, no lights, and I was fucking. Okay, I hear you. Think of somebody who's sliding there. Sparks. Oh, fuck. Sparks at night. True. Come on. All right, that's fair. It depends, though. I will say, if I was on psychedelics, the Glovers would fucking rock. Dude, a slider could take you to a dark place. If you're on mushrooms and some dude with like ghoul paint. But that, yeah, that's exactly both of our habits, you know.

21:20True. I like alcohol. If I was drunk watching Sliders, I'd be like, yeah, fuck yeah, dude. If I was drunk watching The Glove Guy, I'd be like, damn, get the fuck out of here, fucking bullshit. Get your fucking hands out of my face. But if you got, yeah, psychedelics in the Sliders would really fucking ruin it. This guy's a fucking idiot. This is crazy. just the face paint alone this is somebody's son he's still in slide he's sliding on the road and fucking sacramento fucking idiot but yeah we continue to search for uh you know something

21:56Shane Gillis:for the homeless to do and i think sliding sliding is a very good start that's definitely plan i haven't heard any good options imagine imagine you go to apply for like a warehouse right outside your interview slide into the interview slide or just do the sparks on your pants or again they'll break out the gloves during the mid interview do you have any special talents to go yeah hold on turn up it's like you turn the lights off you're hired you're the ceo now i'm also down with what are we talking about what about a sliding glover slide into the meeting hit the glove slide out yeah what is with what is the ether war distinction all about why can't you be both for real true that'd be so fucking that'd be so nasty swear to god sliders are holding down the yard though they're definitely beating the fuck out of the glover guys sliders are nuts i mean definitely how many sliders how many undercover sliders do you think we're at skank fest how many undercover sliders there had to be seven to eight sliders there i mean dude this next one skank fest x right dude that's ruined skank fest let's hire bums to go to skank fest let's just hire wherever they fucking book it let's ship a Thousand bumps and sliders.

23:24With strict instructions to slide. All they have to do is chase Lewis J. Gomez. We'll give him a picture of Lewis. Whenever you see this man, chase him.

23:34Shane Gillis:If they do it on an island, I think X is going to be on an island. We might have to have an amphibious operation. We'd have to get them over there. We can get them out. We need a duck boat. We need the H boats from D-Day. Just lower the doors and let them slide out. Yeah. Damn. That'd be so fucking funny. I mean, putting sliders in any situation is hilarious. Dude, I'm surprised no one's slid at Skank Fest yet. It's coming. There's sliders. We should just at least hire some sliders as a gift to Skank Fest. True, true. You never saw sliders? He doesn't know what sliders or glovers are. hey welcome to the revolution bro you're gonna sit around and say white people don't have culture sliders and glovers holy shit dude for real that'd be nice for skank fan skank fest 10 to be like dude we got you guys skank fan yeah for 10 for skank fest x if we just said and it's like hey hold an hour slot for us and we just have a talent show and just have sliders and Glovers.

24:46I'm not kidding. I would absolutely do that. Skankfest 10, you and me will have a live show. Yeah. Sliders vs. Glovers.

24:53Shane Gillis:That'd be awesome. We should just pre-record. Just pre-record and have us on the TV. Yeah, true. We don't have to go. Just zoom in. Just zoom. Welcome. Thank you, everybody. It's like if we died from the... We were like, you know, sending a message to the future. That's... You have made it here. Great. Excellent. Now an hour and a half of guys sliding.

25:20Shane Gillis:Oh, I didn't know everyone knew about the sliders. They were hitting my algo, and I was like, how did you keep that to yourself for so long? I told every single person. I was sharing them, just me and one guy, just going back and forth sharing sliders. I'm thinking hopefully your algo might have charged mine and hit me with the fucking slider material, because I was on Glovers for a while. Who do you like more, Nate? Do you like sliders or glovers? The glovers are weirder to me. They freak me out, actually. Yeah, that's some type of hypnotism magic. It was too much individual finger movement together.

25:54I didn't like those two choreographed. Sliders just come and slide. Sliders are sliding. Do something cool. Maybe drag their hand across. Yeah. Hold on, but who do you... You got to show them the sparks. I saw the sparks.

26:04Shane Gillis:My question is, so if you're at an all-black barbecue, who do you think would be tolerated better, a glover or a slider? Glover. I think Slider might be getting his ass beat. No, I think Slider's going to get like, because Glover's going to be like, get that shit out of here. But Slider's going to be like, oh shit, every time he slides. That's a good point. But no face paint though, obviously. You couldn't wear the demonic face paint. No. They like that. It depends on the time of the year. They love like the purge masks. I love the purge. Why people love purge masks? Rocket, Slider and the shiesty?

26:39I can't wait till we start sliding. Y 'all don't want to see us slide. You didn't bring that, did you?

26:43Shane Gillis:What? That shysty. Oh, I didn't bring it. I forgot my shysty. I know. I forgot my shysty. I should have worn it. Right when he said it, I was like, damn, Matt's probably holding that, trying to break that out. I should have busted out. He's going to hit me with it when I'm not looking. I should have put that thing on. I got to get that. My wife is threatening to throw it out. I told her I was going to throw away all her pocketbooks if she throws away my shysty. I was like, I'll throw all your dumb fucking purses out. She knows I'm thugging. She knows. She thinks you're going back to go. Yeah. She knows he's a bad boy.

27:13Shane Gillis:I want to post up. I'm just going to post up and trap. She just finally got out of the trap. She was living in the trap with me. You can't start trapping again, bro. Please. I know the streets are calling. That'd be so nice. I think about it now that I could literally probably buy like a thousand pounds of weed and just go dumb. It'd be so sick. Yeah, you could like really get arrested. Oh, I know. I could go really crazy. I could get like a shipping. First of all, I can buy a shipping container and I could probably fill it. That'd be so tight. Could you Zoom from prison? They have tablets in prison.

27:43Shane Gillis:I wonder if we could. I probably could get some sort of program. Bro, the podcast would go through the roof if you were in jail. The only thing I thought about it, I used to think about it all the time. If I go to jail, if I got out, I'd still be sick. It'd be fine. But yeah, no, they have tablets now in prison. I just found that out. I'd give you some verses from the phone. Remember they used to do that on rap albums? A guy would call in from the jail. Hey, what's up, Shane? Yeah, this is what I was thinking about. Yeah, that'd be, I think about trapping all the time, dude. It'd be so tight. It'd be so, because I could actually get like a fucking bad guy HQ now.

28:17Shane Gillis:Yeah. It'd be so fucking sick. You'd get a lair. Mm-hmm. You'd have black eyes and purge masks. And sliders. I could get a van and a lair. You could have henchmen. Obviously, I'm a shiesty. Henchmen, that'd be sick as hell. And I could just pull it into your own bad guy lair and like having guys just lower the fucking garage door. That's all I want. That's all I want. That's fair. That's something you should aspire to. Yeah. Bad guy lair. Just guys pulling up a door. Yep. Hey, boss. I remember there was like a warehouse. I knew someone that had like a warehouse set up, and I was so jealous. I would go in there and buy weed, and I'd be like, this is so fucking sick.

28:53Shane Gillis:You have a warehouse. They had a gun in their warehouse. It was awesome. Anyone knocked up, they'd just be like, fuck, who the fuck is that? It's like, damn, that's so sick. You should shoot that guy right fucking now. That'd be awesome.

29:09Yes. I'd like that if you got it. I might turn on you, though. I don't like that. I don't like that stuff. What do you mean? I don't like you trapping, dude. I would report you. That'd be nice, too. I'd start wearing a wire.

29:21You'd have to have me strip at gunpoint.

29:26Shane Gillis:You're at a cafe. You're at, like, an outdoor cafe with the FBI. Like, he just brought in 1 ,000 pounds of Skittles. He's making Skizzlers again. Skizzlers. I did make gummies, but regular gummies. I made regular gummy bears. It was kind of nice. I made it for my kids. How were they received? They were kind of nasty about it. Just little fuckers? Yeah, well, I didn't let them dry enough. So they were like, these are yucky. The first batch they liked and the second ones they were like. Well, I just can't do anything right. I tried so hard. What else is going on? No fucking hell. I'm getting that coffee cup.

30:06Shane Gillis:Trying to kill me Fuck It's probably the fucking Sinaloa cartel True they heard you Heard about my skittles Yeah Donald Trump's gonna blow up your boat You're gonna be in Lake Austin And get a drone strike On your Drug boat No I was telling you this weekend I uh Who the hell is that Someone just said hello Hold on Nate Let's take a look at who this is Matt Yeah, it's an amazing time of year to be a sports fan. We've got the battle for the natty, elite hoops every night, and cold weather football with playoff spots on the line. With all the picks to choose from, it's like a holiday spread every night on PrizePix where it's always good to be right.

30:50You and I make loads of decisions during the holidays. But on PrizePix, being right can get you paid.

30:59Shane Gillis:There's so much sports action to unwrap during the holidays, and on PrizePix, whatever sports you're into, whoever you support, it always feels so good to be right. Now let's get into this. Who's looking good and who are you picking against? I am picking more on Saquon Barkley yards. I think he's really picked up his running game. I like that. Also, you know, I like what Kenny Gainwell is doing in Pittsburgh. I wouldn't be surprised to hit a little more on Kenny. Kenny Gainwell, I like that. Yeah, that's what I would like to do. Personal story, a time where you were confident making a pick that fell apart.

31:40Never. Yeah. Okay, so that's our take. Now it's time to lock yours in yours. There's no better place than prize picks. Take it from there, Matt.

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32:27Shane Gillis:Hey. We're back. yeah salesman interrupted the fucking flow it was door-to-door salesman i saw him try to hit you with it hold on now no bro these guys have been hit with the algorithm like how to be a salesman how to conquer objections yeah the objection of just like yo get the fuck out of here literally like dude beat it coming over yeah coming out with a dude beat it stuff he wanted to i think remodel your entire house i should have let him i'm renting true yeah yeah fucking tear down every Yeah, that's fucking bullshit. Also, if you're doing door-to-door sales, there's got to be something in it for me in terms to listen to it.

33:04Shane Gillis:You know what I mean? For the podcast, at least we do a podcast, and then there's ads. You should have to do a five-minute solo cast. True. Come up and be like, dude, that shit's crud. Did you hear about that fucking thing? You should have brought him in and been like, all right, give us your sales pitch. Yeah, shut up. Hit us with the pitch. Hold on. We could have done some Andy Elliott action. Andy Elliott, I saw a clip of him. Yeah, let me see, bro. If you're not fucking ripped, no way. I think someone was talking shit on him in the comments, and then he somehow found the guys where he worked.

33:36Shane Gillis:Oh, no. And called the guy and gave him a chance to, like, overcome his objections in role play, and the guy froze. And he was just like, that's what it's about, man. The guy fucking froze. He blew his shit. I see him call people, and I'm like, I would have been that guy. He'd call and be like, I say you have a 2007 Honda on the lot. I'd be like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Do you want to come in and look at it? It's on the website. It's probably up there. All right, see you. No, the guy started going like, I can't hear you. He's like, you can hear me. I know you can hear me. Don't do that. I was also like, that's a good move.

34:10Shane Gillis:I've done that too. I only had one guy hit me with that, and it was a Chinese man. Really? Yeah, he came in. He wanted to know every single thing about the Honda Odyssey. I didn't know one thing about it. He's like, take the middle seats out. I want to see how it looks without seats. And I was like, fuck, all right. Couldn't, I didn't know how. Yeah, of course. Couldn't get the ones, I couldn't move any of the seats. I was like, I don't know how to do it. You should have been like, bro, this is going to be your car. I want to see you get familiar with this. You go ahead. Now, see, Matt, that would make you an expert salesman.

34:39I just bent over and was like, Jesus Christ, fucking shit. I'm sorry, I can't do it.

34:47Shane Gillis:How did he take that? He was very mad and he left. What? He didn't like my, he didn't like me. Just that you couldn't take the seats out? Yeah, he wanted an honorable. Yeah, true. He wanted somebody who cared. Yeah, that makes sense. I actually got in trouble for that. For not being able to take the seats? Yeah, because my manager came over and was like, what's going on? He was like, your salesman doesn't know how to do anything. Like, he doesn't know anything about this car. Jeez. I was like, he's right. Yeah, he got me. Would the manager train you on how to take the doors out? Yeah, he was like, sit down and read the fucking pamphlet about the Honda Odyssey.

35:19I just sat at my desk and probably got on a video game on my computer, got on Sporkle, did like top five Heismans from each year, sat down.

35:30Shane Gillis:Yeah, reading the manual, it's crazy. No shot. That's absolutely insane. My dad tries to hold it down. He's like, you need that. Most mechanics just read that manual and figure out everything you know. I'm like, bro, get the fuck out of here. He claims he checks his oil every time he fills up his gas. I'm like, dude, you're the biggest liar. Every time you get a gas, check your oil. and I'm like, you don't check your phone. There's a gauge. That's what I'm saying. I can look at it. That's what I'm saying. Now he holds it down. He's like, that thing's gonna go. He's like, dude, that oil runs out your whole car.

35:58Shane Gillis:I was terrified for everything in my car. I was just gonna stop working one day. But yeah. Guard Dog got a little oil on his dipstick at the water. His old dipstick went right in the gas tank. Dude, it was crazy because I heard after his dick went up his butt, he turned on his belly and went down backwards. Which when he hit the water, it jammed it up further. Oh no. Is that true? It was a deep pie. The deep self pie. Yeah, that's true. Unfortunately. There's a cannoli in your WAP butt. Ew. A little WAP cannoli. You nasty. Yeah, I'm sorry that's happened for real, man. I'm really, it's got to be tough.

36:35Shane Gillis:Yeah, but it's, you know, I'm all right now. How many penile injuries are at the water park every year? There's got to be a good amount. A lot, dude. Yeah, there's got to be a lot of guys at least get thunderclapped on their balls.

36:51Shane Gillis:dude i got what was called a thunderclap headache for the first time in my life i was lifting weights and all and just boom i had a massive headache out of nowhere it was scary i looked up i was kind of pumped when i saw it was called literally a thunderclap headache i was like yeah obviously yeah that's fucking sick it's like a norse yeah some type of viking headache literally that's kind of what happened yeah yeah it was uh it fucking sucked man it came out of nowhere i I think I was just holding my breath too long and I was just, yeah, if you hold your breath, my face is bright red and I just got like a, out of nowhere, a crazy headache.

37:21Shane Gillis:Then I went away. But yeah, that's what happens with like fucking, you know, if you get like brain bleeding, you pop one of these things, you get a massive headache and then said, it is, it is sad. Scary, dude. I was fucking scared. I think I saw my grandma. I'm dead. Yeah. I think probably dude. I'm getting closer bro I'm getting closer to a thousand pound club I'm at 825 I'm gonna get there I got you're bulking 175 pounds left the allegations are not going anywhere I'm down I'm down bringing Derek from more plays more days you're juiced I'll test I'll test whenever we talk about it me and the guys you talk about how juiced I am yeah we gotta do we gotta do something he's outbursts of anger fucking crazy Matt called me the other day and was just like What's up, you fucking pussy?

38:12Fucking piece of shit. I'm tired of carrying this whole fucking thing. Fuck you. I was like, what the fuck, Matt? This isn't like you. Ever since you went to Ways to Wells, you've been a real fucking jerk.

38:30Shane Gillis:Nah, Natty. I'm all Natty, and I'm chill, too. I'm Natty, and I got the chill to prove it. No, and then your wife called me and was like, Shane, I'm scared. I actually believe that I was like just hang in there a few more he's gonna be alright soon I'm gonna talk to him I'm gonna get him off the juice I can believe that I came to his house to get him off the juice he was shirtless in the garage I was like oh it was dark in there too he was like what the fuck are you doing in here he was gloving jack he was like get the fuck out of here pussy I'm gloving go hang out with your fucking slider friends now that's not a word we would use I was on the juice But he was juiced up.

39:10That was weird making fun of somebody. You don't have to fucking time save it. Yeah.

39:14Shane Gillis:I do want to get some mass bells. Did you ever see those things? They're like kettlebells mixed with dumbbells, but you reach your hand inside of a steel ball, but you can hold it from the inside. It's fucking sick. You feel like Mega Man when it's on your hand. I saw those things the other day. I want them. Yeah. That's all I've been doing for that. Pretty chill. Yeah, I'm trying to think of what else is going on. Are you excited for Christmas? What are you going to do for the holidays? My house. We're staying right in my house. You're staying in Austin? Yeah, my wife's been trying to subvert my children into doing like a Christmas trip in Whistler, Canada.

39:42Shane Gillis:I keep trying to shut it down. She's like, it'd be nice. It'd be snowy. I'm like. You're going to suck ass. It's going to fucking blow. Actually, that would be fucking cool. It would be cool. My problem is gifts. It's like, dude, you have to. Kids. Bring the gifts. You want to go somewhere it snows? Yeah, but they just think a bunch of gifts are going to appear in Canada. I'm like, I'm not fucking shipping that and shipping it back. It's like. Yeah. No fucking shot, buddy. I'm going to have a bleak Christmas. I'm going to go to my parents and be. That'd be sick. a single man in my parents' basement for a few days.

40:08True. Thanksgiving was tough. I was just down there jacking off. Yeah. I'm going to do it again. I'm going to do it for Christmas. I'm going to get drunk and go to my parents' basement and jack off. That would be, that's bleak.

40:24Shane Gillis:Not bad, not bad. I hear you. There is some peace and quiet. There's peace and quiet, but I do hear what you're saying. I remember. It's bleak. I remember when all my friends had kids and I would just go hang out and I didn't have kids. I remember I felt weird. I would go to places and I'd be like, man, I just wish I wasn't here. Yeah, I'm not going to my friend's house. You just feel weird. I go, guys, ditch your family. Come to the bar. True. Come to the bar. Come fap in the bedroom. And then I'm going to jack off in my parents' basement.

40:49Shane, what are you doing down there? Nothing, Mom. I'm watching YouTube videos. Okay. Let's get to bed. Mom, it's fucking 11 o 'clock. I'm not even tired.

41:03Shane Gillis:You think I'm going to sleep at 11? Yeah, right. I'm old as fuck. Yeah, that'll be dark. What do you think, like, because you don't have a curfew, obviously. You can come and go as you please to your parents' house. Where do you think that ends in terms of, like, your freedom in that house? Where do you think they would stop you and go, all right, Shane, that's. If it was, like, 3 or 4 a.m. Yeah. and I was still in the kitchen like drinking by myself, they would be really sad. They would just be like, we need to talk. What if you pulled a sober all-nighter? I think they would support it. If you just did a sober all-nighter, just stayed up all night playing video games?

41:44They would believe, they would think there were narcotics. I could do that. What? That might be a fun little Christmas. Just get a fucking eight ball and no alcohol, just Coke for an entire, just a Coke binge for Christmas at my parents' house.

42:00Shane Gillis:You should get like a$10 ,000 suit and just do cocaine the entire time you're at your parents' house. I should go. Just full McGregor. Just full McGregor. In front of the Christmas tree. Just, he got to stand your bag. Just draped in finery, too. Just pocket watch. That'd be so fucking funny. Especially if you only did a gentlemanly, just like a gentlemanly amount. Yeah, and you could do like coke like when they did in like the 1800s. That's what I'm saying. Like just fully right in front of everyone. Just like.

42:38Shane Gillis:that's the move that's the move and just hit all the rounds go see all your friends kids and the show be like what's up blasted on coke going everyone's house business ideas out the wazoo massive gifts yeah i got your car figured you guys could use a honda odyssey i don't know how to fucking dig the seats out but it's all yours let me guys show you how this thing works shit I forgot that's actually good yeah that would be nice no alcohol just coke all nighter for three straight days just$40 ,000 of chains it would be so tight oh shit I forgot to get you guys stuff here take that just go to people's houses and talk about like the terms of their mortgage but you guys refi on this what was the interest rate when you see yep I ran into some party monsters dude at the show in Missouri violent bob ross dude he's part of the bros yeah they were having a good time and uh yeah i i that was the stickiest situation ever because it was like i was learning in real time and he was a ufc guy and then i was you know the classic thing obviously you're gonna go and after a couple of those i was like telling jokes while i would look with the side of my eye like is this guy gonna fucking tackle me and beat my ass because it came became increasingly clear like oh i think this guy's kind of legit and uh and then like during the show it got you know he was he was just having too much fun kept just you know blurting stuff out in support of me which is a tough one when you're like dude i know you're on my side but just please please chill yeah and at one point i kind of brad it out i'm like man security's tight as hell in here man jesus christ good thing you guys are all over the case and finally a security after like this fucking seventh time a security guard comes up and i'm looking at this guy and i'm going dude yeah he was probably doing the same thing you were what guy kept yelling he was probably in the back like please please please fuck no dude please i think he was dude the guy's name is violent bob ross yeah sick name it is and the guy comes to like start the negotiations and i just went ah give him one more chance yeah don't worry about it bro i went like we're not at the mothership dude i was like i don't we're just in the middle of missouri this guy's a yeah he's gonna beat the fuck out of him he could I was like, this guy could have fucking killed.

44:48Shane Gillis:He could have killed me and him. And I was just like, you know what, man? Give him one more shot. You know, let's, uh, there's like, we can't get you out of here. This is just your show now. And then, uh, but he did, he chilled. And then towards the end, he started just like chirping a little. I'm like, bro, you have, we have 10 minutes. And it was funny too. Cause I was genuinely worried the security was going to come back and try to kick him out, which, you know, you can't kick him out. You literally can't remove the guys. It was just funny. I remember it really felt like I was like, well, my kids wake up early and I'm like, shh, dude, dude, dude, come on.

45:17Shane Gillis:I know what I'm on. Just come on, dude. I don't want to see a horrible melee breakout. But yeah, so we chatted after the show. He was the man. He was good, bro. He was just too excited. He was fired up. Do you think it'd be wiser for me to go cocaine for Christmas, or do you think I should go to LSD? LSD would be chill. Just take acid for three days at my parents? Yeah, that would be super chill. The kids come over and just... Yeah, that would be nice. you can just munch I have a little dropper you can just do like half a hit in the morning you know me that one didn't hit those did true I mean even just once on Christmas day go to mass little midnight mass and stay up all night just watch slider videos I'm like dad come down you gotta see this what the hell is this god damn it Please show Phil Sliders.

46:17He's going to be mad. He's going to be genuinely mad about it. My mom will be like, well, that's nice. Are these your friends? Yes. Oh, my God. That's Nate. That's Nate Marshall.

46:32Shane Gillis:Tell your mom what happened to Sean at the water park, too. I will. It was in the paper. My mom saw it. It was in the paper. His penis went up his butt and he flipped around on his stomach. Smacked his ass on the water.

46:51Oh, man. Yeah, I didn't even think about how bleak that's going to be. Fuck, I'm kind of bummed out. It'll be all right. I'll be all right. Yeah, you're going to rent a car?

47:00Shane Gillis:You can go to a parking lot and peel out somewhere. You should just peel out in the parking lot. True. The local police department will probably let you do it. They would. They pulled up and were like, guys, I hear a lot on my mind. I just need to peel out. Guys, I just turned 38. I'm living in my parents' house. I should probably have a family by now. I should be sliding right now. You're the fucking Down syndrome guy, right? Yeah, that's me. I'm the drunk guy.

47:31Shane Gillis:Well, if excuse me, I've rented this Mustang for a reason. And just be like... Yeah, you'll never get me. That'd be so exciting. You fucking pussies could never catch me. Slide. Slide to the whip. they might be afraid if you hit the slide to the i'm gonna do a slide then suicide by cop slide to the gun

47:56all right this episode is brought to you by zip recruiter matt i need you to riff for me daddy what do you like to watch around the holidays oh you know what i'm watching right now elf

48:07Shane Gillis:that's great elf is i swear to god it might be the best christmas movie ever i've been laughing out loud the entire time. Matt. It just holds up. But you got to keep in mind, whatever film you watch, it took a team of remarkably talented individuals to create. Holy crap. Writers. Yeah, I never thought about it either. Writers, actors, editors, set designers. When you need your own team to create something wonderful, use ZipRecruiter. Try it free at ziprecruiter.com slash MSSP. I'm going to bring that up to my wife tonight. We're watching Elf. I'm going to go, you know it took a team of people to make this.

48:33Took a team of extraordinarily talented. Probably turn her on. Yeah.

48:36Shane Gillis:See what we're seeing right now? That went through a camera. That'll blow her mind. should love that rated the number one hiring site based on g2 zip recruiter works fast to deliver results even faster than santa delivering presents around the world in one night watch it wow don't ever be smirched again zip recruiter zip recruiter uh immediately after you post your job it's matching technology will start connecting you with qualified candidates in your area make your hiring a little merrier with zip recruiter four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

49:10Shane Gillis:That's crazy. It's awesome. Just go to this exclusive web address right now to try ZipRecruiter for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash MSSP. Again, that is ZipRecruiter.com slash MSSP. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Awesome. Hey guys, please come out this weekend. I will be in Syracuse, New York. Very big show. I'll be at the Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse, New York. And then January 16th and the 17th, I'll be in Houston, Texas. And on the 17th, I'll be at the Majestic Theater in Dallas, Texas. Also going to be Hartford, Connecticut, Albany, New York, Las Vegas, and a bunch of other cities.

49:50Shane Gillis:Go to mattmccusker.com for tickets. Thank you. I just added shows today. April 4th, Chicago. April 17th, Nashville. April 18th, Charlotte. May 9th, Boston Garden. and those are on sale right now with pre-sale code SGLive. Also the link, please come to the link. Buy tickets now. That's not until July but get those tickets now. That thing's going to sell out and we're going to have cool stuff. We're going to have sliders. It's going to be so. I swear to God I'll get sliders. Please do. It's going to be more of an event than a comedy show. There's going to be cool stuff. It's going to be awesome.

50:25If I can get a flyover.

50:28Shane Gillis:Have a commercial pilot reroute and just fucking. True. That'd be tight. Worst comes to worst Worst comes to worst We got a national tragedy on our hands I get money Alright you gonna get yours guard dog? Yeah You gotta get yours before I get mine Hello everybody I'll be at the Atlanta Helium On January 22nd and 24th Now show your shirt Oh yeah I forgot I'll be at the Atlanta Helium On January 22nd and 24th now I'll be with my friend Aiden McCluskey There'll be good shows Oh we hit the slide Yo Please showguardini.com Atlanta Helium Alpharetta January 22 and 24 Please Thank you Thank you Damn Thank you guys Did you ever have a money clip before?

51:19No I think people have tried to give me them And I just can't I had one I loved it Well that was probably when you were trapping I was

51:25Shane Gillis:It was like a teenager Oh really? I used to have a money clip It said fat Matt was engraved in it And I would keep like 80 bucks in it I thought it was the coolest shit in the world. That is sick. My Fat Matt money. He was chubby. He was chubby and his brother's in with the Fat Matt. And he owned it, dude. Made it a screen name. I know about it. Fat Matt. They used to call me Thunder for Thunder Thighs. Thunder killed me. Thunder Thighs. Thunder. Well, I still have the fucking thick thighs. You got thick fucking legs, man, dude. Some company sent me jeans, man, and I put them on. I was just like, I can't wear these.

52:01Shane Gillis:I look insane, dude. I look like Conan. That is my goal, to get my thighs. I want to completely max them out. Yeah. I got to lean into it. I was like, dude, when I was a kid, I was like, for real, very insecure about my big fat thighs. I would walk all my... Fat thighs on a dude sucks. It was crazy, dude. I had Flynn O 'Hara pants, and they all, they weren't like, none of them, they were all one size. So if you had jacked fucking quads, and they were fat too. Yeah, we rocked Flynn O 'Hara's. Yeah, I would walk down the hallway, and I was constantly going, I remember grade school being like, I just never felt comfortable.

52:33I was sweating through those fucking things. It was crazy. I had just anxious armpit sweat, and it was fucking crazy. Yeah, we didn't have air conditioning in my grade school. No, we didn't have it in high school.

52:45Shane Gillis:Yeah. We had no AC. Everyone was dying, dude. We had to wear a sweater vest and a fucking button down or a full sweater. I think we had AC in high school. I'm pretty sure we had AC in high school. I would have been bitching if not. No, we didn't. Then they would just open the windows and turn the lights off. Yeah. That was kind of shit. Try to do a class. Everyone just fall asleep. Yeah, that was the best in Catholic grade school is the end of the year when they put all the desks to the side of the wall. And you have to like just make up snow days and you just sit on the ground and play seven up, dude.

53:13Shane Gillis:It's the best. Yeah, that's true. That is very nice. That was my favorite. It was nothing better. Worst was the first week of school when you went back in and you just smelled the smell of school and you're like, fuck me, man. Chloe's just realizing that. I didn't mind that. Huh? No, you're bringing it up. That used to fire me. I love the beginning of the school year. It was great. I hated it. I was fucking furious. I'll go in there and go, fuck this. Yeah, you were with all boys though. No, well, the high school, I had fun in high school. It was a great school. Yeah. Great school. I'll go in.

53:42Shane Gillis:I just hated it. I was like, fuck this. Yeah, I guess as a kid, I probably wasn't too excited because summer fucking rock. Summer rocked, man. And I had to go back to summer. Summer rocked. You're going to the biggest wooden roller coaster in the world. Going on the Wildcat all summer. I remember though, I did get excited. and my cousin came to school in second grade and I remember we just sitting in the fucking like gymnasium just like this in line waiting to go in and my cousin walked in and was like, I was just like, oh fuck. You're second grade. I didn't know he was coming. I was just like one day I was like, dude, my cousin's in school?

54:11Shane Gillis:Yeah. That was tight. That's nice. That was fucking sick. But other than that, I used to fucking, I hated school. My daughter Chloe's just realizing now that like she has to go to school forever. School sucks. Yeah, she hates it. It did feel like forever. You're like, I'll be in school the rest of my life. Yeah. I mean, it kind of is. I mean, I remember graduating college and being like, I can't believe I'm finally done. I fucking hated school every day. And she like every day begs. She's like, wakes up. She goes, where am I going? I go, going to school today. She goes, oh, I'm like, dude, it's never used to it.

54:41It's never going to end. You're a girl, too. You're going to you're going to be in school till you're 30. Oh, yeah. You're going to get 15 degrees.

54:47Shane Gillis:Yeah, true. You're going to get everything. You're going to be a doctor. You're going to have a PhD. And then you're going to get pregnant. Yeah. And that's it. Yeah girls love school Girls love school Old school man They crush it They're good at school True They do love good handwriting Yeah I'm getting like a first Like a first hand Account of girl world Right now You might be pregnant You might be butt pregnant Yo Think he's a butt son I think you have a butt son right now My boy Or twins Do you think your butt's pregnant You know It might be Yeah I don't know. I hope not. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

55:27I don't think you're ready for the responsibility of butt kids. No.

55:34Shane Gillis:Because you have to deliver, too, as a guy. You're going to deliver on all fours. You're going to be like a seahorse. They're just going to come flying out of your butt. I've got to take a test or something. I've got to poop on a strip or whatever you need to do. You better poop on a strip. what else is going on what else do we got just that just fucking just cardini getting his butt pregnant you know he has a butt pregnant i uh i got the link with vbr he was the man at the show it was really fun we got a missouri's rough though dude is missouri's a rough rough state crazy man i didn't realize how uh goddamn rough that place was i kept i was talking about the white ladies down there they're just like but that's uh missouri states right there right yeah the university Yeah, yeah, yeah.

56:20Shane Gillis:Missouri State's right there. Mizzou is up near Chicago. Missouri also, so close to Texas. Yeah. Dude, it would have been a six-hour drive. I could have drove there. No. I swear to God, dude. No chance. Going to Springfield, Missouri from Austin. Six hours. Maybe from Dallas. Zero chance. Maybe from Dallas. Even then. Look it up. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Dallas, I'm certain. I mean, if you looked it up, I believe you. I was shocked. I was like, wait, this is six hours away from motherfucking Dallas? It's 15 hours? It's 10 from Austin. Yeah, six from Dallas Yeah, yeah, Dallas is closer Sorry I'm a bitch I'm not I'm just Well, wait How far is Dallas from here?

56:57Shane Gillis:Three Oh, okay About three, yeah, three and a half Yeah All right I got a little I'm going to do a little Texas road dog trip Me and Gardini We're going to go You send Dallas back Nice That'd be tight I'm excited to hit the road What kind of playlist you want me to play for you? Something chill Whatever you got I'm down for What are you going to hit him with? It was a fucking audiobook Very aggressive tech I can go audiobook Or very very aggressive Like dystopian We were doing Skepta Whenever Wherever we last heard Skepta I was sitting Yeah I was sitting with Skepta Dude that might be The best music ever I like Skepta Just like British rap British It is good Oh it's Dude Did you ever see the Top Boy show?

57:38No

57:39Shane Gillis:It's really good It's nothing but Yeah it's so good It's just like British It's good It's like British belly I think Drake brought us that I believe so Is it Drake? I think Drake helped with that a lot. I think he did. He did some music. But he came back. The OG one, I think, was just like the guy, the rappers from the show put out. Like, they're on Rockefeller. Like, here's our money, here's our show thing. Is that boy like Crotys and Mandem? Or is it like the Toronto people? No, it's British. But I guess they probably have a lot of the same slang. It's kind of Caribbean influenced. Yes. Yeah.

58:10It's important.

58:11Shane Gillis:Yeah, it's important to hold space. We need to hold space. You know what I did all weekend? I watched interviews in the green room, the actor with actor, whatever it's called. I think it's actor on actor. With? Just every actor. They do just like two actors talk to each other. Oh, okay. I'm trying to learn how to do that kind of talk. I thought you were talking inside the actor's studio. It's not inside the actor's studio. There's another one. I think, fuck, I forget what magazine does it or whatever. I've seen a couple of those. Actor on actor. I saw one with Robert Pattinson and Jennifer Lawrence.

58:43Shane Gillis:Did you? yeah I don't know how new they are I saw the rock and uh Brendan Fraser that's good stuff it's really good stuff I also like the way actors talk to each other they're very much like it was they'll just use words it's not like epic but it's always very much like yeah it's just the funniest way I don't know I've never seen anyone else talk like that to each other like I mean it just might it might be the most iconic I would say it's the most iconic charge a very charged scene thank you yes thank you for saying god but it's every i watched a bunch of different ones and it's just nothing but that yeah i know exactly i can't replicate it but i was trying to learn how to replicate it but i keep forgetting i did learn the word reportage reportage is a word apparently about like reporting i think so i watched the media round table with schultz and uh oh how was that i saw a clip it was cool it was the clip was funny that I saw you watch the whole thing and it's just the whole thing was like, you know, why don't people trust the media?

59:41Shane Gillis:And then it was just watching these kind of media people try to gaslight everyone to be like, we are good reporters and you should trust us. And you're like, all right, piggy. I did hear the word reportage. I heard the word reportage. Ben Shapiro hit something like I've seen a lot of good reportage. I was like, bro, that's the craziest word. Yeah, I think it's just reporting. But you say reportage. But that was crazy. It was like very much like the coverage on a gardenies pie. There was good reportage. The reportage was nice. It was in the Herald. It was in the Austin Herald. I caught wind of it over my morning coffee.

1:00:18I went, he's,

1:00:21Shane Gillis:he's going to have butt babies. Dude, there, there was, there was one line from that round table that cracked me up, but they were like talking about like how getting news through our phone and being addicted to our phones. at one point someone was like, maybe things going viral is making us sick. I was like, fuck, man. It sucks. That fucking blows, dude. It was a big, I was just jumping across from like Smarty Pants YouTube. I forget which one. They need a belly slap. It was just a big belly slap. A hard belly slap for that. It was just intellectual YouTube, and it was making me laugh so hard just watching people.

1:00:59Shane Gillis:Because eventually, some of that stuff sounds good, but then like you lose the thread after a while then all of a sudden like nobody knows what anyone's talking about like hold on let's let's let's try to reel that in so we can really get granular in this and it's just it's really funny and i don't think they really resolved much at all that was the one thing they never fucking do no but i watch all these i listen to it the thing that kills me is like the kimmel thing is like well you know we're living in a fascist dictatorship that was taking kimmel's job away for free speech like yeah obviously don't take kimmel's job away but if just one of those like new york times journalists can be like well that kind of does remind us when we were being gigantic cock suckers for seven fucking years yeah taking jobs from people because of things they said you never hear them once yeah be like yeah we were kind of on that bullshit for a while that's all you got to do and be like okay cool we're back to normal yeah it would be nice again if one side just wasn't a hypocrite once yeah exactly yeah there's Fucking T-Dog needs to chill.

1:01:56T-Dog needs to chill. What a fucking idiot. Why, dude? Why would you do that? That was one that, like, he's done stuff before where I'm like, ah, you can't really. That one sucks. This one was like, dude, this sucks so bad. Especially in the year one AK. Especially AK. You can't do exactly what you were mad that they were doing. I know. For real, I was just thinking about it. It'd be like if Obama tweeted after Charlie Kirk died. I know. Yeah, well, fucking good riddance. Fucking sack of shit. to be like

1:02:25Shane Gillis:I know people what we're learning is people need to let go of their beefs people need to let go of their beefs man yeah can't be out here the only long term beef that I hold down is 50 seconds can continue beefing with whoever he wants because it's pretty it is pretty fun watching his documentaries although here's the thing though if this is a massive commercial success who's next because he's going to he's going to want to strike twice because the Shannon Sharp documentary obviously we've seen the tea might be the new oil we don't have to drill for oil we just need the tea right now you're exactly right i think the tea the shannon sharp documentary i mean that his stock flew up when he has a documentary well no he brought cat on cats build the tea that was a that was like a 24 million dollar ordeal yeah there's so many people going 50 you have any more tea there's gonna be some there's gonna be some prospectors some prospectors going around harlem way going some tea there is tea there's some tea around yeah you're right harlem way there is a lot of tea up there that's that's tea country that is or bk even in bk yeah some good tea and get some tea going the boogie down there could be some tea that way but that's a major dude that's like you know that thing's gonna be number one this episode is brought to you by blue chew oh yeah fellas let me introduce you to blue chew gold yo no it's not something a rich guy orders at a steakhouse blue chew gold is the newest innovation.

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1:05:37That's rockin' money. dot com slash mssp.

1:05:41Shane Gillis:So. Yeah. We gotta go ahead and get some tea. Sean, we need you to get some tea. When you hear any rumblings? Yeah, you guys haven't ever given us any fucking tea. We're trying to fucking survive out here, dude. Our podcast is, we're falling, we're failing right now because we don't ever spill any good tea. I haven't had, I haven't heard any good tea, really. We need to openly gossip about our peers. Yeah.

1:06:05sorry yeah you have no tea no tea over here nothing scandalous nothing's scandalous at all in the awesome comedy scene you broke the story about my boat babies that's kind of well that's a big one that that's yeah that's going to hit the web yeah true that could rocket us back up tmz could be covering that yeah we need do you have any pictures no no we didn't get a sonogram

1:06:31The TMZ people are going to be Gossiping around the cubicle The guy with his big ass coffee is going to be like Did you see what came out of Austin this week? Yeah I think he's going to have some butt babies Fuck them Fuck them dude How dare they talk about our butt babies live on TMZ

1:06:52Shane Gillis:I know dude It's a personal thing Just reaching out from TMZ to follow up on this butt baby story. We heard some rumblings about a butt baby being born at a water park in Texas. Your flaccid penis went up your ass, then you flipped over onto your belly and smacked it in further. Is this true? You must have been slightly hard to get through all that hair. You got a nice net, a butt net. I've heard, this is a T on Sean, I heard his head gets hard first. Oh, I guess the... I heard his head gets rigid. He gets the bowling pin. It works its way down. He's got jelly on the bottom.

1:07:33The old bowling pin straight to his own butt at the water park. Trying to show off for the kids. Everyone watch this slide.

1:07:46Shane Gillis:It's like a bowling pin. A bowling pin right to the keister. Nate, what do you think about that? No comment. I got no comment. I got no comment. You ever hurt yourself on a horse slide? This is good podcasting. No comment. Thank you. Thank you for your help. I'm a butt-stuff, but baby. I can't. We're doing all the heavy lifting. It's just all because of the water. It's fucking cloudy out. We're all sleepy. Come on, man. I can't talk butt-stuff. It's a gloomy day. We should all be cuddled up watching a movie. Yeah. Why can't you talk butt-stuff? What are you even talking about? I can't talk butt-stuff.

1:08:15Shane Gillis:Why not? Drastic butt-stuff. People are going to think you're aligned with Diddy, bro. If you go. Oh, yeah. We can talk butt-stuff. No, I can't talk butt-stuff. Yes, we can. God damn it. Yes. Yes.

1:08:28Well, somebody in this group got fingered recently in their butt by a guy. Hold up. Yeah, he had a fucking, probably a hemorrhoid and freaked out and went to an urgent care and just got fingered and they sent him home. I shit so much blood. He shit blood.

1:08:42Shane Gillis:Oh. Yeah. Who fingered you? It's a guy. You know his name. I don't remember his name. I didn't want to look at his name. At least what he looked like. I didn't want to, huh? What do you look like? Just a guy. Just a guy. Just a man. Did you get fingered at an urgent care? Yes. 200 bucks. Bro. Pay 200. Pay 200. He made his girlfriend leave the room. He said, honey, you can't see this. Excuse me, fiance. I would have had her hold my hand, bro. That's crazy. You had to touch a girl. If someone's got up your butt, you got to touch a girl to keep the gayness. It's like a lightning rod for gayness. That is true.

1:09:14That was our first time her in the doctor's office with me. That was the first time. That's what they're for, dude.

1:09:19Shane Gillis:They're for fucking standing there while you get your butt finger by a doctor. I couldn't let her see me like that. You're never going to beat the allegations, dude. You paid$200 to get fingered in a fucking urgent care, dude. Why would you ever get fingered in an urgent care? What did they even determine by fingering your butt? Nothing. You can't do that. He said I was all right. He said my butt. He fucking checked the oil. He was like, we got it just because you bled a lot out of your butt. You seem fine, but you know. Damn, you had your period. You went to the doctor and he fingered you? It was my first period.

1:09:50I didn't know what to do. I panicked. They gave him a vibrator. He went to an old doctor. He came from his butt finger. I had my period for like four days, and I was like, this is too long. This is a problem.

1:10:02Shane Gillis:How did he, did he, I guess he lubed himself up. Yeah. Gloved up. He lubed up. I heard the gloves. Oh, and then he came and met me at a bar. I think it was on my birthday. It was a nice celebration. Then he came to the bar with lube fresh in his butt. I did not have lube pressure. You were in the same outfit you wore earlier that day, which means you did not shower. You did not shower. I didn't shower, but I washed up. I washed up. I didn't have... I washed up. I hit the hot spots. I hit my balls. I hit my ass. I hit my undone. Why would you not get in the shower for that? Because we were going to meet you and celebrate your birthday.

1:10:37It smells like you could use our shower, stinky. We were celebrating your birthday, and then we had to leave early to go do spots. I was maximizing my time with my friend. I'm sorry. So you just got the lube out of your butt. I got the lube out of my butt. So you cleaned up. It was a standard drill. The doctor said, yeah.

1:10:52Shane Gillis:Standard. It was a standard drill. The doctor threw a towel on you. He said, clean yourself up. You bathed like a hooker in a gas station bathroom? Yeah. I paid him in cash. Just washed your ass in the sink? Oh, man. Then you came in through darts with us? Showed up to Shane's birthday like, what's up, hon? How we doing? How we doing? Dude, you still have lube in your butt. I told you. I was like, tell my friend in confidence. and the second I did it I was like mistake why would you ever tell me that that's what Sean said he was like you messed up I was like she was like he walked away and I was like dude why would you it was a nice birthday gift that's what I do I do appreciate it that was a good laugh for your birthday the whole time y 'all were coming at Sean about his butt baby I was sitting here quiet You were quiet as a mouse, bro.

1:11:47I forgot entirely about it. I knew you forgot about it. I was like, thank God. Thank God I remembered. Y 'all went for me, and I was like, I can't. You could have jumped in. I would have never known why you were being so bashful. But then I could have triggered Sean to turn on me. He would have had that. Yeah, true. You think I got a butt, baby? You would never? I would never. You lie, dude. You're a nasty little fucker. If we got some brown liquor out here, you'd fucking spill the beans immediately. Oh, you told the crowd at the Knox that you got fingers? Nobody liked it. Yeah, nobody likes that.

1:12:21He gave me no choice. Yeah, I tried to do a set about it that night. It was probably the worst set I've had in a while. Yeah. Yeah. You got to keep going.

1:12:28Shane Gillis:That's so funny. Got to talk about it forever. You should open and close with it every time. I should rebrand around it after we were all up at the Knox talking about it. And I went up to do my set. I was like, I just need to know that y 'all aren't thinking about me with a finger in my ass. Somebody went, well, I wasn't. How many seconds were you talking? It had to be like three, but it felt like 20. Three seconds? No way. I think it was like five. He definitely wasn't. What the fuck's the point of that? I think it was like five. No, you got in there, checked your butt walls. Yeah, what was it?

1:13:02Shane Gillis:You were just checking for a hemorrhoid? Clearly, you have a fucking hemorrhoid. I think like any kind of mass. He was like, we just got to check for it. That's what he said. We said we got to check for a mass. and he was and then he was like if it keeps bleeding bro we'll get you to a serious question did it jump a little no that's a good question it didn't move at all dude i went and got a massage recently and when i had my thunderclap headache britney was like just go get a massage because it's like up here is real tense so i went first of all she's trying to talk me into like she's really trying a maltherapist i was like no she's not doing it she was like a therapist or like a massage oh oh oh i was like no no no no that'd be sick actually yeah you'd be like tony soprano i was fucking doing deadlifts and i was doing some squats no i got a uh so i went i was like no i'm not just like i'm telling you like you should just try why are you so worried about it and i was like britney if i get a male massage person and i even start to get hard i have to leave the whole family i'm gonna come to home that guys i'm gay now yeah i took the test turns Turns out I'm actually gay, and I'm leaving this family.

1:14:08Shane Gillis:You got to move up Harlem way. You got to spill the tea. You got to get up there and spill the tea immediately. Nate, you're going to have to join Bad Boy. Dr. Diddy. I got Diddy. I got Diddy. I got Diddy on your birthday. I think you did. You did get Diddy on my birthday. Maybe I set that up. Start going Nate Dog Marshall. Yeah. I know. We got to think of a good nickname for him. He might just be Butter now. Dude, you are the butter man. The man with the finger in his butt. He's got that buttery little biscuit. He does have butter. I think the doctor used butter as a lube. Buttered it. He got the peanut butter lube.

1:14:49I mean, buttered is better than not buttered. He ain't go over. Ew, why are you flexing your penis while you're talking to him? I'm flexing. God, you see that? That's crazy. I mean, buttered is better than not buttered. Flexing his dog head. Ew, Nate. I wish I'd died. We don't have too many topics right now. We're just going to call you guys gay for an episode.

1:15:12Shane Gillis:We're done. We got an hour. It's a good hour. That was a great hour. That was one of our better ones. That was a rainy day masterpiece. I mean, it's just a rainy day. There's nothing we can do about it. All you can do during a rainy day is either cuddle up with a good book. Or you can sit around with your buddies and call two guys butt boys.

1:15:35Nate what were your thoughts when you got when it happened I mean it was obviously funny that it was about to happen like as soon as I knew that I was like alright this is about to happen to me it was hilarious especially like I've been zesty online for a good couple months now and it's like I can't I think I got again I've talked about it before I got my balls sonogrammed and that's by a guy and I'll never forget he was winning the Steelers cap

1:16:07Shane Gillis:Steelers cap is so funny Nurse with a Steelers cap putting jelly on my nuts Warm too wasn't it? It wasn't very warm Oh it was chilly? Yeah it was kind of chilly That's good on him Yeah he wanted to shrink everything and it worked Yeah Doctor This isn't what it usually looks like Yeah you can't be giving him the warm jelly But I was laughing during that You said he was No he wasn't laughing at all He did not think it was funny Yeah But if I got butt fingered I would laugh You're allowed to laugh Did you hold your breath? I don't remember. No, he went, uh. He tried to hold his breath, but the air escaped.

1:16:41So your babe really left the room? I made her leave. She would have had to be looking. I can't have her have that vision. Staring down the barrel. Yeah, you can't let her see that.

1:16:52Shane Gillis:When she left and it was just you and the doctor, and then his finger was in your butt, you should have went, she hits me. You're allowed to open up to the doctor and tell him about that. He did ask if I, like, beforehand, he was like, could the bleeding be from, you know, he was like, butt stuff. And then I just looked at her and went. It's an urgent care. They're not using the best terminology. Butt stuff. She's like, fuck your butt stuff. He said butt stuff? He said butt stuff. We're going to see him coming back to that urgent care. We're going to drive past. He's going to be in a trench coat and blind guy glasses walking out.

1:17:23Like a massage parlor? Yeah. Another 200 bucks down the drain. We'll go broke in urgent care.

1:17:31Shane Gillis:So he asked you, what did you respond to? You looked at your wife and said, ask her. I said yes. I just said yes because I thought it would be funny to just come out like I'm gay in front of my lady in the darkness. Then I was like, obviously, no, I haven't. What did he say? He laughed. How did he bend you over? Did you stand and lean over the table? Dude, he hold it up on the floor and he lowered it. I stood up straight, flexed. No, really? No. Yeah. No, not on all fours on the table. No, no, you don't get on all fours. I don't know what you do. Yeah. Does he own it? You guys dropped out on it.

1:18:05I'm just early. Y 'all are going to get there. I'm going to remember this month. I'm going to get a colonoscopy. It's going to be crazy. Yeah. I had to. If I died. Just say it. Elbows on the table. I had to put my elbows.

1:18:18Shane Gillis:Chin on your fist. He instructed you, right? He said, put your elbows on the table and bend over. That is 100 % what happened. He was like, you got to put your elbows on the table. He didn't say bend over, but he was like, you got to put your elbows on the. and then that was you know damn that's all right i found that i wasn't dying that's good i could be that could be i could probably never felt more alive honestly it's kind of liberating yes first words first words out of his mouth he was so excited to tell me no i right when he walked in the bar he was like oh my god i gotta tell you what happened to me today it took about i had the wildest experience i held it to it for like 10 minutes But it was all I was thinking about.

1:19:02Like, I couldn't. You knew the beans were getting spilled.

1:19:04Shane Gillis:Yeah. That's also, that is a great birthday gift, though, to be honest. That's a fantastic birthday gift. Yeah, I'm turning 40 January. I'm, well, it's a matter of time. I'm getting fingered. Yeah. Whole squad's getting fingered. Yeah, I might have to go early on that. Yeah. Because this has been out of control. That's why it's coming. I wonder why they just took, spilled the beans and made it spill the tea. And why is that acceptable? It's beans, dude. It is the beans, I guess. But I think there was all that, like, drinking tea when, like, something. Yeah, still eating beans. True. That's why they spill the beans.

1:19:39You go, what? And the beans fall off your spoon, and you spilled the beans. I think you're completely right. Yeah, you spilled the beans. You go, whoa.

1:19:46Shane Gillis:Hold on now. Fuck, I spilled my beans. But tell me about your fingering. I got to get some beans. I peeped your pantry the other day. I got some beans. I'm going to make those beans when you leave. That'd be nice Yeah That keeps the butt doctor away By the way It does A whole fucking bunch of beans For lunch Eat your beans

1:20:10Shane Gillis:I might fucking scare shit On the doctor Just eat a ton of beans As soon as he touches me Go Just let like a one foot around He's gonna clog it though He's gonna go No no no He's gonna cut it He's gonna hit the sawmill Hit the buzzsaw All right. This is maybe one of our worst podcasts. Just talking about poop and butts.

1:20:41Oh, no.

1:20:44Shane Gillis:Oh, fuck. Well, join us for the Patreon. Patreon, we're going to get serious. Yeah, true. It's time to talk politics on the Patreon. It's time to give you the real deal. Me and Matt both know exactly what's going on in the world. We'll give you our takes.

1:21:02Shane Gillis:Damn, you got the fingers. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.

1:21:14Good energy in. Good energy out.

1:21:22Storm. Zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and immunity support. Storm, energy for life.

1:21:56you