Ep 591 - M-A DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS (Mall)

22:17Old people used to go and walk.

22:20Shane Gillis:The ball? Yeah. You ever see that? I've seen old people hit the fucking shuffle back in the day. Yeah. I think they would just bring like old folks homes and be like, here, just walk around. Yeah. Yeah, there was, yeah, I think a lot of old people too. They would get like coffee at McDonald's in the morning and then just stretch their legs. For exercise, just walk through the mall. Hit the fucking M-A-double-L. But that thing was, that mall was nice. M-A-double hockey sticks.

22:46Shane Gillis:So, yeah, it was victorious, man. But I did not eat well, man, this weekend. Nothing but fucking fried wings and flatbreads from the mall. Dropped a pile, bro. That's a pile. P-I hockey stick-y, dude. Yes. Big time. I woke up this morning, dude. First thing in the morning, just. P-I-single hockey sticks. I mean, yeah, you put together a recipe. I did. Yeah. I did. That's why, yeah, I was telling you earlier, fucking goddamn family has pinworms right now. So, yeah. It's good to pile out. If you got a pinworm epidemic going through the house. I was telling my wife, she was like, you got to take the fucking shit.

23:21Shane Gillis:I was like, bro, you think these things are fucking hanging in here? What is the shit you got to take? It's like this, it's like banana flavored. It's like a chalky syrup. You got to just, I had to chug like three tablespoons of it before I came here. that it kills if I have anything. I mean, I could have, who knows? I could have other parasites. It'll fucking kill whatever's in your body. That's good. Then you got to wait a week because pinworms lay eggs. Oh my God. So you got to wait a week and then you have to take it so in case the eggs hatch, you kill those. I really hope you don't have any pinworms because I really sit in that chair a lot.

23:51Shane Gillis:I don't think they come out of your butt at nighttime too. During the day, my little wormies are sleeping. Yeah, I've heard a lot of stories about this. You got to take a flashlight to your kid's asshole at night. Yep. Look for worms. Yeah, man. That's literally what you have to do. You gotta find the night crawlers. You gotta... You do. Yeah. Gotta find the creepy crawlers. Yeah, you gotta hit them with the flashlight and just wait. Yeah, they come out of your butthole. Yeah, man. Yep. That's really fucked up. My cat got worms and I was sad about it. Yeah. Watch him crawling out of his butt. I was like, no, Tibble.

24:24Shane Gillis:Yeah, man. They say you can put tape over your butt when you sleep and wake up. I swear to God. And then you wake up, you check the tape. Oh, I blast the tape off. That's pretty – that's like a fun thing to do. I might start doing that anyway. Do it like – you know how people do that with a door to see if anyone's been sneaking in your room? Just put a piece of tape over your butt and wake up. Still there you go. Nice. Good. Nobody's accessed me while I was sleeping. Damn, the flashlight into a butt. And just waiting, too. Just waiting to see if your kid's got worms. Yeah, man. But I was at the Destiny Mall at the time, so I didn't have to deal with that.

25:02Shane Gillis:But yeah, shout out to Brittany for holding down the fort and taking care of all the worms. Worm situation. She was freaking, bro. Yeah, of course. And I get it. It's the grossest thing possible. It's disgusting. Yeah. It's truly disgusting. It's my nightmare. She's scared of bugs. Like, she's scared of regular bugs. You know I got a thing with fucking... I know you don't like them bugs. Whatever these types of bugs are. Parasites. There's something wrong with me. It's a very... Yeah. It is like a sign of, like, schizophrenia. I don't... No, I think it's pretty normal to have, like... No, it's always like there's bugs under my skin.

25:31I thought there's bugs on you. Yeah, I think there's bugs.

25:34Shane Gillis:Yeah, okay. That's fair. Not now, but now I'm going to be worried about... Pinworms? Yeah. That's funny. When I'm laying in my parents' basement for Christmas, I'm going to go, Mom, I'm going to have enough drinks to work up the courage to go, Mom, when I fall asleep tonight, I need you to come in here with a flashlight. Check my butt hole. And just check my butt for worms. Your mom would do... Oh, no, you have worms? My son has worms? You're 40. You have worms?

26:05It can happen to anybody, Mom.

26:07Shane Gillis:She would check for sure. I don't know if she would. She would check your body. If you were like, Mom, if you came to her in earnest and was like, Mom, I really need you to check for me, they would do it in a heartbeat. I guess. She would honestly not. No, she's not like, we don't have that. What do you mean? I don't think she's one of those ladies that enjoys that shit. What? Like gross shit with their kids. Not like that, but I'm saying just like, you know, she just probably remembers you as like a little tiny baby. She's like, we probably should find out the hard way. I'm all man. Now she'd be staring down the barrel of a man's ass.

26:39With worms. Sarlacc pit coming right at you.

26:45Shane Gillis:Well, America does have this thing where like the rest of the world, like constantly takes dewormers and all this stuff. We, we think that we don't have like parasites and shit. And I think we, I think a lot of people have parasites. So I can give you some, a dose too. You can take some of the banana flavor. Just in case. Yeah, what the fuck? Why not? It's not going to hurt you. I hear you. It's not going to hurt you. It'll probably fucking stop COVID, too, if you get COVID. I think it does. It probably does. Yeah, my immune system's on fire right now that I've taken a dewormer. I believe it. Yeah, that shit was nasty.

27:14But, yeah, so that was my fucking deal, dude.

27:17Shane Gillis:Just flew home to an empty house. All my worm girls were gone. Yeah. Where's my worm girls? The worm sisters. All my worm girls are gone. I almost didn't take it. And I like was talking to a FaceTime and I'm like, I forgot to share the medicine. I'm like, what is this? It's like, that's your dewormer. Take it right now. I was like, fuck it. Chugged it. I'm paranoid about taking a new thing. If I take like a new medicine for the first 40 minutes, I'm like, dude, what if it has a weird side effect with just me and I just die. So I had, that was like my half an hour before I left just being like, am I feeling this right now?

27:53That didn't do shit. I'm taking another one. I'm not even fucking high. The warmers sucked.

28:01Shane Gillis:That was our weekend, man. We just fucking, the spaz was a highlight. Then we just had two fun shows, and I don't think anything else really fun happened. I think we just kind of had a good old time. Yeah, it was just fucking freezing cold. I did work out in the gym. I went to the gym, or not, the hotel gym, and there was a basketball team full of, like, fourth graders with one adult. So I went in there and fucking mogged them. Lifting? They were like kind of playing around with all this shit While this one guy was just like Be careful, be careful And he was just like Are you still powerless? You should have been screaming I wanted to 50 pound dumbbells I should have I didn't want to fucking grab one of these kids I did mog them with the treadmill I put it on 14 % You became the cowboy There's little kids running around Little kids running around the gym I don't want to talk about it especially you juiced up you probably spasm on them i shouldn't be in here no i didn't even care the guy was the guy was super apologetic and i'm like bro i needs my little corner and then i hit the 15 and 15 incline on the treadmill and i was running sprinting hills on the treadmill damn just mocking the kids of course just letting them know but you guys think shit's fucking sweet bro i'm about to turn 48 worms in my butt that's it i'm fucking running yeah life sucks i'm in syracuse on a treadmill with worms in my butt this episode is brought to you by mint mobile sick of giving all your money to big wireless mint mobile has high speed data unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5g network and it's 15 bucks a month for the first three months like your money mint mobile is for you Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash drenched.

29:47Upfront payment of$45 for three month, three month, five gigabyte plan required. Equivalent to$15 per month. New customer offer for the first three months only. Full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. This episode is brought to you by Rougiet.

30:06Shane Gillis:Most ED treatments only do half the job. They boost blood flow, but stop there. Rougiet Ready is different. It's a three-in-one treatment that boosts blood flow while also priming your brain for arousal. Dissolving under your tongue, it works in 15 minutes and lasts up to 36 hours. Join over 400 ,000 men who've made the switch. Rougiette, performance medicine for men. Go to rougiette.com, that's R-U-G-I-E-T dot com and slash drenched to get 20 % off for a limited time. Yeah, I'm trying to think. I don't even know what I did this weekend. I had a nice weekend off. Yeah, you chilled. Just watched some football.

30:44It was a good time. Nice. Watched the Jake Paul fight. Dude. Did you guys get to watch that?

30:48Shane Gillis:No, I didn't even know what was going on until I woke up the next morning. I said, Jake Paul got knocked out. I said, so what? Yeah. Why'd he fight that guy? That guy's enormous. Probably for$100 million. Yeah. I mean, that's really what people wanted to see is him get knocked out. Yeah. It looked like he was, it looked like Anthony Joshua was kind of letting it go a little further. Yeah. But he also could have just been waiting to tire him out. True. I saw the highlights. You got to give Jake Paul some credit. He was fully gassed, like falling on the ground constantly. Kept getting up. Good for him.

31:21It's also. People love hating on that guy. And I get it. He's.

31:25Shane Gillis:Yeah. He acts a fool. Yeah. He's like a YouTube guy, but it's also. He did stand up, I think, with a fucking shattered jaw. And, dude, I mean, fighting that guy. That guy's. That guy's fucking terrifying. Nasty boxer, but he's also way bigger. He was a heavyweight champ. Yeah, dude. That's what I'm saying. It's like, yeah, you got to give credit where it's due. Even if they were like, we had an agreement to not do a lot of damage. It's like, dude, if I had blocked a body shot. You started going for damage. Yeah. He fucking broke his jaw. Yeah. If I were to block one of that guy's body shots with my arms, I would still quit the fight.

31:55Shane Gillis:Yeah. It would kill. It would hurt so bad. It would fuck. I'd probably fall over. Punch in the fucking arm. Oh, God.

32:05Everybody that doesn't know how to fight in these fights just turns around and tries to walk away. You get hit. You're like, okay, that's it. Hooked in the back of the head. It would seriously just be like. Yeah,

32:18Shane Gillis:I had to give credit where it was due. I was like, bro, just even fighting that guy. Because I guess everyone was being like, you're not a real boxer. Dude, fighting that guy. Just fighting somebody at that skill level is crazy. And the size difference. The size was crazy. It was crazy. That dude mocked Paul. It was interesting to me because before they signed this deal, he was supposed to fight Javante Davis, who's significantly smaller than him. Yeah. So maybe that had something to do with it, trying to fight someone bigger than him after he got a bunch of backlash for trying to fight a small guy.

32:48I mean, well, Javante would be a problem. Yeah, he would be a big problem. He would be a real problem for him. But that was an interesting, they called it off, like Javante was alluding to there being like shady business going on and stuff.

33:01Shane Gillis:Really? I think so. I don't know. I think that's every single boxing match ever. True. Yeah. Every single time. yeah that that's that was like kind of the rumor stuff i heard online that they they believe there was like a you know a contract clause to like not do a lot of damage i think they at least let let it go three or four rounds before you start yeah before you start what do you mean bet on how long the fight lasts like my friend bet on it to go over two and a half rounds and like that's a lock if you know that they're doing that sort of like it it's pretty shady yeah when you bring the sports book into it true i mean that was yeah credit credit to him for even just taking the damage because that was like he was fucking wailing him bro but they said he'd never throw a straight right the whole time i think he hooked him was that a hooker i think it was a hook i think i think he just fucking hooked him yeah he that was crazy all my heroes fell dude yeah paul fell cobra tate fell I might have to step up into the manosphere Wes Watson lost 80 pounds of muscle I was telling you about that I don't know if it's 80 but he lost a lot of muscle and fucking there's a guy who makes there's a dude on YouTube on Wes Watson's ass bro really his name is Johnny something I forget his name but he dude he makes like real time documentaries like he doesn't have any fucking muscle anymore those little twerp just attacks him the whole time but yeah Wes Watson isn't even about muscles anymore he doesn't even care he's on to other shit He's too busy.

34:33He's way too busy. Yeah.

34:34Shane Gillis:So, but yeah, the guy's on his ass right now. He's like, you're not even jacked anymore. All I saw was COVID-19 getting hit with uppercuts. Yeah. Kind of just wild-ass uppercuts. Yeah. I mean, it happens, bro. You're stepping in the ring, obviously. You know, who am I to even talk? Of course. I don't have any dust. I'm not the man in the arena, but. No. My hero's half-fallen. Now I don't have any idea what to say to girls. Fuck. I didn't even think about that. Exactly. I got to hit with that guy who beat him up. I need to hear what he thinks about girls. What does he think about how to approach women?

35:04I don't know. I'm waiting to hear. Probably throw a drink on him, spit on him, call him a whore. That's usually the message. I'm awaiting instructions for my new sensei. We'll find him. We'll find a new sensei.

35:15Shane Gillis:Who's it going to be? Show me one guy in the manosphere who's still fucking standing strong. Milo Yiannopoulos. True. Yeah, I guess he could talk about what to say to girls too now. He's straight as hell. Yeah, he's straight as a fucking arrow. so talk to yeah we talked to milo about girls i don't know that'd be nice

35:36he knows about girls what are you talking about dude he's a youtube celebrity you don't think he gets a ton of girls relax sean i don't know or maybe it could be nikki minaj might be my new hero that's a good hero that's a good one dude she's I don't know I believe her

35:57Shane Gillis:I think she's been super right wing this whole time I think yeah I mean when Lil Wayne met Trump she was probably she was probably going okay yeah and again she was a absolute you know she broke the story about her cousin's gigantic balls from the COVID vaccine so that would probably yeah that would red pill her because everyone's like shut the fuck up bitch you can't you can't go against the Vax badge I know she went against it she was the only person But I don't know I don't know what that's all about though I'm kind of curious What? I don't know I don't know if it's like a rebranding thing I don't know if she's seeing Peep in the Candice bag Candice's bag is up right now For sure Nicki Minaj has a substantial bag She probably still has the bag Probably has the bag for sure But dude the Candice bag is crazy Is it?

36:45Shane Gillis:Yeah bro I think her show is like enormous I think I could be wrong I think it's like one of the biggest yeah it's like she has like one of the biggest shows I think her podcast is like for real one of the biggest podcasts that makes sense yeah I think since Charlie Kirk died like she's been talking about it a lot and it's blown up since then she also has I watched a couple of those episodes yeah she adds a little she's got her secret recipe she has her secret ingredient she's been adding to her show right now just being like blaming the juice with everything that shit's hot right now it is hot I mean bro you give me the word we can take this show to the top that is hot it's so fucking hot right now to be just go crazy to go dumb on the on the jews but no i just want to do a comedy podcast dude i'm telling you of course the biggest pods the biggest pods every single one it's crazy i mean we're just fucking leaving money on the goddamn table we gotta get in there we gotta do our we gotta do independent research true I don't know.

37:51I'll just make stuff up, too. On what? It says she's number one. At the end of this year, she hit number one globally for downloads and views. With 3.6 million daily streams. People want to know. I looked up her net worth, though. I guess you can't really. I don't know how true it is. Those things are wrong. Yeah, it says like 20 mil for Candace Owens and Nicki Minaj is like 150 million.

38:19Shane Gillis:Okay, well, I'll shut the fuck up then. You're probably right, though. Talk about Barbie, bro. Yeah, she had a lot of hits. You're probably right. Yeah, you're probably right. I don't know. And she was on Lil Wayne's music label, too, so. Yeah. You know. You know what I mean? Probably. I mean. Young money. Come on, bro. Yo. Come on, bro. How big? What are we talking about? True. I guess it's not on. Why is it not on Spotify? It is. peep number nine oh peep number seven uh-oh true and we don't have to be nasty like that that's true we're just number seven we're just good boys we're just getting gbps around here getting gbps you know also telling ourselves i was wrong at the airport that's my bad i knew you weren't wrong you weren't wrong i wasn't wrong initially but the amount of glee i was taking and following this man and peep i was peeping on him dude i would i would have also followed him i'd like to see what he's doing there's nothing else to do with the airport if you're watching a potential spaz it's so nice because I see him online all the time I rarely get to see him in person he kept it I'll be you know give him credit where it's due he did keep it contained pretty well yeah I saw one other good spaz what do you disagree I mean when I bumped his bag he hit an out loud like like that was what I pulled up to I didn't even like see all the other shit but dude if you're fucking grumbling if you're hitting audible grumbles a sweaty dude comes and fucking knocks your shit over he had the biggest bags of all time his bag was crazy they were like stacked up like for real for real almost as tall as me it was crazy and it just fucking nailed but oh man yeah I just you know I didn't push the envelope any further but I was trying to get as close as possible to him you can't spaz like that that i mean you really should you can grumble dude you can no dude this was a growl you can grumble but you can't grow you have headphones on no oh so all right no no i know what you're saying yeah he was like he didn't realize how loud he was talking this was a growl dude this is a headphone-less grumble headphone-less grumble growl Oh, man.

40:39That's fucking crazy. It's so funny, dude. I literally, it's such a joy in my heart. Yeah, I become like a mask-wearing liberal in there. I'm very passive-aggressive. I'm like, oh, that's nice. Oh, he knocked over my back. Great. Thank you. I guess I'll pick it up then. Oh, I'll pick it up. No problem. You know what time it is. Everybody at home, it's time. this episode is brought to you by rocket money matt i need you to riff for me daddy on how much what you know what do you fucking do with rocket money how much time were you spending each month trying to manage your finances before rocket money what do you do with that extra time now

41:26Shane Gillis:yeah what do you do with that extra time every day once i got my it took me a while when i had my budget all over the place i didn't have a lot of time you know to just like do the stuff i needed to do take care of my own personal stuff yeah personal health uh reproductive health and uh now that i've organized my budget with rocket money let's just say i've been launching some rockets of my own and it's fun i'll tell you this man when you launch when you launch a rocket it's fun to go here comes the rocket money

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42:17Shane Gillis:you can see all of your transactions automatically categorized across accounts, and set up customizable categories and tags to reveal your spending patterns. You can use it to set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and even receive real-time alerts for large transitions. Sometimes, I thought it was transactions as well. So did I. Large transitions. I had a transactions joke. Sometimes you gotta give somebody a real personal alert for a large transaction that's headed their way. You know what I mean? You gotta go, get out of the way, it's a big rockin' money. What do you want me to do with this?

42:54Rocket money.

42:59Shane Gillis:Upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. And rocket money can even automate savings to grow towards your goals with adjustable amounts and frequency. Just set it up and let it do its thing. Shane, give me one more. You do the rocket money the best. Let rocket money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com. slash MSSP. That's rockin' money. Dot com slash MSSP. Rockin' money dot com slash MSSP. Hey, guys. Please catch me doing stand-up. I'll be in Houston, Texan. January 16th, I'll be in Dallas. Did I, what the fuck did that say? I'll be redoing. You'll be inside of a Houston Texan.

43:43Shane Gillis:Hey, guys. It's me. January 16th, I'll be at Houston, Texas at Performance Hall. January 17th, I'll be at the Majestic Theater in Dallas. And then on to Hartford, Connecticut, Albany, New York, Las Vegas, Denver, Boise. Go and a bunch more places. Go to mattmccuster.com for details. Also, Tuesday, the day this is out at the Creek, I'll be doing the show Algonauts where we go through people's cell phones. Is this the debut? Yeah, the debut show. It's going to be good. It's going to be fun. So if you're still around in town, come to that at the Creek and Cave. I believe it's at 8 o 'clock. It could be a hit new show.

44:16Shane Gillis:I think it could be fun. I think it could be a hit. Go through people's cell phones, project their algorithm onto a screen, and then see what the algorithm says about them. And, you know, we'll show our own algorithms, too. Nice. Yeah. I just added Chicago, Nashville, Charlotte, and Boston. So check those out. And then, of course, the show at the link in Philadelphia. Please go to that. Let's go. I swear it's going to be good. So be sick. Thank you. Hello. Sorry for the interruption. I'll also, this is Sean Gardini and I'll be in Atlanta. But sorry. Hello, sorry for the interruption. I just wanted to let you know I'll be in Atlanta in January 22 and 24.

44:59And we have the Noctis January 6th and then the third Tuesday of January as well. Please come if you can. Thank you. I saw a guy riding his bike wearing a mask yesterday. Really? And it fucking pissed me off.

45:15I was just on my constitutional Saw a guy riding a bike Wearing a fucking M95 That's crazy I wanted to yell Unless he was trying to get his I grumbled

45:27Shane Gillis:You think he was trying to get his VO2 max up? No That's crazy to wear No he definitely wasn't The K95 It's crazy man On the bike They're putting up some wild signs Around here in my park What'd you get? They just keep posting these signs that say, Queer kids fight back. Whoa. They're getting fired up. Queer kids fight back? Yeah, and then it's a picture of a dog, like, biting someone. I guess queer kids are dogs. What the fuck? I guess that's the message. Was there an event that kicked this off? I don't know. No, they keep popping up. They're getting bigger signs. Queer kids fight back? I don't know about this.

46:04Yeah, man. Hold on a second. They're making signs for Nate. I was about to say we're tired of getting called zesty We're about to start biting people Start growling and biting people Oh Okay What is it? Um I don't know honestly Yeah this is in my park We're kids fight back Isn't that wild?

46:31Shane Gillis:Yeah it just includes various forms of activism From grassroots organizing and protests to legal challenges and working with supportive organizations. Well, how about, say, queer kids get political? You know what I mean? Queer kids are cool. There's also a house by me that somebody spray-painted adulteress on the fence. And then a little further down, you see her full name is a slut spray-painted somewhere else. What? Some drama going on. A little drama amongst the Austin Housewives. Yeah. Yeah. Adulteress. Real big. It's like, get out there and paint over that. True. Been there for fucking two weeks.

47:13Maybe she likes it. True. Might get her off. I stopped by. I hit the old Wilson. I go right over the fence. I go, hey. Heard there's an adulteress in these Martians. I heard there's a slut in here. Saw the sign out. Saw the sign out front. I'm here for the slut. Go spray paint your phone number right now. Yeah, yeah.

47:35Shane Gillis:call me slut yeah that's pretty wild dude yeah how far is it from here i can walk there so pretty close take a gander at that between the episodes i'd like to see this slut yeah just knock up and be like you know you have a disparaging message on your uh on your thing dude we were we were driving recently and someone had the uh you know like the windshield gets dusty and people write someone had just wrote the n-word on this person's car and uh so me and britney are driving back from the gym and britney pulls up and is like hey it was funny until then sorry well it's two mexican ladies in the car because i was like i want to see whose car this is and then we pull up and i didn't even know what it said i just want to see like what are we working with here just two mexican ladies just sitting there and britney like try to tell them you have the end and then they were like no ntna's and then she like uh google translated to them they went oh i'm just kind of just kept driving they didn't I just want to tell them.

48:36Yeah, go ahead. Knock yourself out. I think that's a reasonable thing to tell someone.

48:39Shane Gillis:Yeah, you have the N-word on your car. Yeah, you should get a car wash. Yeah, really. Or just wipe it. Yeah. Someone pranked them. They got punked. It's a classic prank. That happened to my parents right after we moved here. That was the first thing my mom told me. Because they're old. They don't be taking their car out all the time. But it was like somebody got them with it. On the block, too. Oh, no. In Reading? Yeah. I don't know It's probably a Puerto Rican person Like just Damn Yeah Or one of you guys Not taking you guys No offense I'm not trying to Claim innocence Without knowing anything Seems like It wasn't us In Redding Yeah Y 'all in there Y 'all in Redding Never even been to Redding Personally There's like 12 white people It's about It's about Y 'all are like 10 % Yeah yeah yeah There's a lot Yeah yeah yeah How big How big We're talking on the Back wind show That's fucking crazy I didn't add.

49:31I didn't get it. My mom didn't give me the details. She waited for like a while before she even told me, apparently. Really? Yeah, she was like, yeah, we got it. It was all done and said and done when I heard about it. Yeah. Rough start to death. Yeah, yeah. That's what's nasty. Yeah, that's crazy.

49:46Shane Gillis:Hard R? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did they write it? It was the same way, like in a dirty, on a dirty car. Hit a dirty part of the car. They're old. No, I'm not mad that they had a dirty car. I thought you made the face like, what? I'm more upset about the slur against your parents. Oh, no. I thought you would just be a funny... No, I wasn't like, oh, you got a dirty car. I mean, yeah, something's going to happen. My bad, my bad. What the fuck, dude? My bad? I like to joke around. You think I'm actually racist? No. Come on, man. It's kind of funny. What? Dirty car? Well, man. Did someone tag you up?

50:24Shane Gillis:Yeah, man. Because also, that's like, you really got to... You can't just wipe it with your hand. your fucking hands get all dirty and shit. So then you got to like just drive with that on there. And then you got to go get a paper towel or a towel. True. I guess. Yeah, you're right. I'm thinking about a paper towel. You'd have to drive, man. You have to drive. But you have to go to the gas station thing and dunk that thing. There'd be one second you'd go. The squeegee. Yeah. Maybe I should just keep this on the back of my car. It's my car. It's a free country. It's a free country. I do whatever I want.

50:57But yeah. I can do anything

51:01Shane Gillis:No he doesn't Wipe that off Stat I feel bad For the adulterous Lady Why I just feel bad The whole situation Yeah I mean dude That's Look dude It gets It does That's what happens That's the drama And the fucking Burbs dude The ladies They do a lot of yoga They get a little horny You know Married to an engineer What would it be like To have sex With an architect Switch it up Oh same thing Oops Now you're busted It's the exact same thing. Oops, now you're busted. An architect's just kind of a gay engineer. Guy couldn't even get hard for me. Now I have slut on my fence. Slut on your fence is not great.

51:40Yeah, I lady and tramp the soft noodle. Now I have slut on my fence. Slurp the nude. Slurp it. It is funny to be like a 45-year-old lady and cheat on your 45-year-old husband with a 45-year-old man. It's like, bro, just use a vibrator. Like, what do you think this other 45-year-old man is about to do to you not a lot it's probably so suave though at the bar he was probably like oh man you and me could do something special dude the guy's phone i was peeping he was a bit of

52:08Shane Gillis:an elder statesman i said man i know you guys are getting all freaky like that you know freaky diggy i'm over here getting gbps i should have told on him to the lady next to me but the other guy's texting about fucking people i think he was might have been texting a stewardess not going to say anything more but you know is it true that nate was taking a nap and then the mail stores came over and woke him up and he tried to kiss him when he woke up straight out of his sleep it's every time yeah he tapped on my jacket over my shoulder and they went oh i'm sorry oh i'm sorry daddy that's all right you don't have to we don't have to keep the bed going you can defend yourself You did try to kiss a guy on the plane, but that's it.

52:55Can't believe you bumped into the cowboy.

53:04Shane Gillis:Dude, it was. I mean, it was just so early in the morning. It was just, man, amazing. Oh, I had a good night last night. What'd you do? Me and the O 'Connor man got on Hell Let Loose for a while. Oh, that's awesome. Got in a little tank crew. And O 'Connor was the driver. I was the gunner. We had a good time. is we were doing well, and then I realized his driving was a little erratic. I was just waiting. I'm like, there's no way this lasted for more than... I realized his driving was erratic, and then I was like, dude, are you fucking drunk? He was drunk, dude. He was hammered. I was like, you're getting us killed, dude.

53:41You were getting fucking destroyed. How did he respond to that? He was like, no. No, he was like, yeah. No, I go, dude, are you fucking drunk? He goes, no. I go, did you drink today? He goes, yeah. I was on a flight. I had a couple drinks. I was like, you're fucking wasted, dude. We're getting killed out here. It's so funny to be on a tank. Just like, whoa, what the hell? Yeah, the driving was a little erratic. And then I'd be like, oh, stop, stop. Because I'm trying to aim the fucking thing. There'd be another tank. I'd be like, dude, fucking stop the tank. He'd be. I couldn't get a shot. I was like, I can't get a fucking shot, Chris.

54:15I had the headset on. I was sitting right here. It was fucking great. That's so funny. We probably played for like three or four hours. It was awesome.

54:22Shane Gillis:That is amazing. Yeah. Tank crew is nice too. Tank crew is very fun. How did you guys do overall? We had some really good games and then some towards the end. The last game was fucking terrible. Pizza probably came for O 'Connor. I will say Chipotle came for me at one point. There was a couple times. I had the mic off. I was fucking grubbing. I'd be like, fuck Tank. I'd be like, oh shit.

54:45It's a good time. True.

54:47Shane Gillis:That sounds fucking really fun though. Yeah, it was wholesome. Oh, that's awesome. It was very nice. We also, we finally have to clear the record for Amy's ice cream. Oh, yeah. Amy's ice cream does rule. I'm sorry. We made fun of the ice cream cake. It was just a simple mistake. They sent us a tiny ice cream cake. I told you I took some bites of that. It was fucking delicious. Yep. Yeah, that was funny to get the report. I got the report a day later. He was like, yeah, Shane actually liked the cake. The cake was so good. So it was Amy's. It's a delicious cake. I was on the telephone, and I was trying to throw it out.

55:14And I was like, well, I'm not just going to waste it. I'll take a bite. so while I'm talking to somebody I was like oh yeah man for sure I'll get another bite here just ate like half that fucking thing in 20 seconds standing eating ice cream cake on the phone with Tony Ayo it was with G-Unit I was on the phone with him it was your birthday too and it was my B-Day

55:39Shane Gillis:Tony called me on my B-Day it was nice hello Mr. Ayo yeah that's uh i want to clear awesome i felt bad we just smacked an amy's ice cream cake that was all you i can't believe i followed through with your nasty plan i should have i feel so guilty about slapping no that was such a funny thing to just smack a birthday cake out of sean's hand it is funny but you know it was hilarious so that's what keeps me up at night fuck man just not being an asshole for fucking 10 seconds your friends hate you and then i get a text that says it's tony yayo g-g-g-g-g-g-g unit i go this is how he texts yes this is fucking awesome that's so tight

56:25yeah i was pretty excited about that i need to see g-unit come back 50 star has re-risen yeah another great black republican oh yeah true that's true Yeah Nicki Minaj 50 Lil Wayne Yeah

56:40Shane Gillis:What the fuck Think Kodak Black Kodak Black for sure He loves Toronto That's his unk dude That's his Gemini twin Yeah exactly Exactly He loves it We got There's a good group Dude black Republicans Might rule Obviously The only way we gotta get Jay-Z He's the ultimate dem though He is bro Jay-Z is such a dem He just morphed Morphed into a dem Yeah he's like An Anderson Cooper dem Yeah But he's like become a dem He's Yeah Yeah. He has dem hair. Yeah, you got the Basquiat in there. Yeah. I'll be, yeah. I don't want to trash someone's art, but I just, I don't like that crap. Basquiat? Not a fan. I don't really know much about it.

57:18Shane Gillis:Just like cool, I don't, it's like pop art. I don't like pop art, I should say. I shouldn't fairly attack Basquiat. I don't like pop art or whatever the fuck. I don't even know what I'm talking about, but that like very modern looking art. Like Warhol? Hmm? Like Andy Warhol shit? Yeah, I'm not a, it's like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. but I dude I like a beautiful I have heard though that those guys that do that stuff can usually technically like are like the other stuff perfect technical painters they just get bored do that stuff they're like all comics yeah like we could do comedy but I'm just kind of kind of trash the form you know what I'm saying I don't know I'm just here to trash the whole thing I don't know if those guys could technically of course they can't but I I've heard because I was like talking to someone I was talking to my friend Ray about that and I was like dude like how do people not recognize like there's a beautiful landscape painting and you have this and you're like oh they can do that they just choose to do something else I like that but it's like why don't you that's what I'm saying man give me some goya bro I love that but I don't know I'm not gonna sit here and just be a fucking Debbie Downer about anything I tried to watch a documentary on the Spanish Civil War I still don't understand it I've read so many books about it I've done the research I can't figure it out was it north and south still or east and west a little north and south it was kind of the whole country like just random parts everyone's just beefing yeah what year was this late 20s early 30s oh shit this is like 1900 it was like they were testing out world war ii in there like the germans were giving the fascists some weapons and shit okay so like try everybody was kind of trying it russia was helping the commies yeah so it was the fascists versus commies a little bit yeah but then that's where it gets fucked up because then there's like a bunch of different factions.

59:00That's great. Like anarchists, communists were kind of on the same team. Fascists. So all the political parties

59:06Shane Gillis:just attacked each other basically. Fuck. That sucks. And occasionally they'd turn on each other. What? I don't know what the fuck happened. I think there was a spaz. I still don't know what happened. It was a Spanish spaz. It was a nationwide spaz. It was a full spaz for, I don't know, I still don't know what happened. That's crazy. I like, I'm like vaguely familiar with it. I like didn't even really know they had a big civil war. But they were just massacring each other all the time. Really? Yeah, it was pretty vicious? In the village, you'd be like, yo, that guy's a fucking fascist. What? Let's go fucking rip his head off.

59:34Shane Gillis:Damn. Yeah. What the hell do you think that was about? When was TV invented? After. So after the 20s? I don't know. You think they saw a couple of John Wayne flicks and were like, fuck it. No, John Wayne. It was later, but it was close. Yeah, 20s is way early. 20s is TV They might have had like Real early TVs But not in Spain bro Nah yeah right That was also like They had radios though So that was Big band was a soundtrack It was a swing Yeah The roaring 20s And then in Spain They were going nuts Oh man That stinks Yeah I don't It's weird to This is a jump But did I talk about That Ukraine video The doc I watched No Bro It's fucking terrible What it Like just what about It's called 2 ,000 meters to I forget the name of the town to PBS PBS doc yeah they just follow these Ukrainian fighters and it's all like body cam shit like you see them all fighting but then it was last year oh really?

1:00:40yeah I mean it was like so it was just war footage? so you're watching it and you're like damn I was at a Notre Dame game during this what are these what the fuck? I don't know is it pretty brutal? yeah it's really brutal Jesus Christ early very early on in the documentary a guy gets shot you hear him screaming his boys just drag him into a fucking trench oh and they're like we got to get out of here and he's like dude just leave me they're like don't fucking blow yourself up dude you promise he's like yeah they're like we're coming back he was like don't come back and then you see his body cam footage from the trench he's laying in damn just like looking up at the shitty sky oh yeah it's really terrible just blows himself up i don't know if he did oh he just chills he was kind of talking shit like he was about to which he did get shot through the arms and legs so he was yeah it's either that or you wait for a fucking drone or they come over and stab you some shit oh god it's a really terrible obviously yeah you don't

1:01:31Shane Gillis:like you kind of died down the Israel-Palestine stuff took over on that front you don't hear it now like you're still hearing about I guess they're you know gonna be talking about peace be nice little peace for Christmas that'd be nice that'd be nice a little peace for Christmas yeah give it a watch 2000 what's it called and driefka it's a tough one dude i yeah i don't know i do that rugged stuff it's crazy like the battlefield's fucking crazy it's like two sides of it are fields that are covered in mines so you can't go through it and then there's this little stretch of forest that's just a straight line to the town that's 2 000 meters so they're on one side they're on side yeah you just got to keep sending guys through this forest oh but they always do like five on five it's very weird you never see like a major battle there it's always like 10 guys and it looks like paintball yeah that's crazy it's weird yeah because i know that was a big worry from russia there's those like open planes that you can easily go from ukraine right to like one of their capital cities that's like their weak point as a country so they got that just loaded with mines now so it's like kind of takes care of that problem yeah and it's all cratered out it looks like world war one it's fucking it's weird it's weird that it's just going on right now that's what i've said it before it's like i know that's a fucking eighth graders brain no like it's crazy wars are happening there is as technology increases it does become kind of embarrassing where it's like well you could just all blow ourselves up like we could just you know it's like this is kind of crazy we're still murdering each other to be like these five miles are ours it's like split it or something i don't know fucking split it in half don't fucking shoot Shoot each other, you psychos.

1:03:10Shane Gillis:It just seems like an insane way. It's the way we handle it. It literally is the highest court in the land. Yeah. It's like, you know, you go through everything and nothing works. It's like, I'll just fucking shoot this guy. They're talking about some shit with Venezuela right now, and I think they're supposed to make an announcement today. I don't know why they're beefing with Venezuela right now. Oil. Just talking about oil. Cooking, bitch? True. He's calling me the Earl's. They better not. Better not what? They better not fucking attack. go to war with fucking venezuela is that even like yeah what's that called gunboat democracy or gunboat uh fuck we just park a bunch of shit outside of a country's we pull up on the coast oh and go let's let's talk yeah yeah let's negotiate oh those fuck it don't worry about those yeah those are yeah hopefully this goes well i mean is that even a like remotely fair fight u.s versus venezuela uh it would be shitty for us yeah it'd be like vietnam it's in the jungle and there's all these fucking i forgot yeah we have vietnam was bad you get bogged down there very easily that's also crazy dude be like let's uh let's repeat vietnam i'd like for somebody to give me like a case why we should start aggressing venezuela is it is it the fucking oil or are they saying they're like a communist country you're saying the communists and bro they're who gives a fuck about the drugs they're that's that's kind of an excuse i think yeah Yeah, bro, get out of here.

1:04:33I think Maduro, that's his name, right? Maduro. I think he's starting to deal little with Russia and China instead of us. We're trying to maintain our sphere of influence over here.

1:04:44Shane Gillis:He's on that BRICS thing. He's talking some shit, dude. I told you before, we should join BRICS as America. Like, we're in BRICS too. Now you guys are with us. Yeah, just collapsing. Dumbass. Yeah, really. Well, dumbass, now you're part of my coalition. Tricked you. Yeah, now we're BRICS. And then they leave BRICS. What do you think of that? They leave bricks and you go, Go back to the dollar. I knew you'd get out of bricks. I knew bricks sucked. You guys knew bricks sucked. Yeah, that's, I mean, I don't know. I just wish, it's just, it is, it does become embarrassing at a point to be like, you have a bunch of guys just shooting each other in the face.

1:05:16Shane Gillis:It's like, dude, you're just not allowed to do that. Like, don't make an exception and be like, well, you can settle that. But then someone shoots you in the face, you go, well, fucking shoot him in the fucking face. Yeah, well, yeah, fucking shoot him. What the fuck is that? Well, whatever. Chasing him? We're like commandeering oil tankers. Why? Just pulling them over? We're going, these are ours. We're just stealing their fucking oil tankers, bro. We're going, you know, let's do that. Maybe they're like, yeah, I guess they're going to say they're probably like maybe using them to smuggle stuff.

1:05:45No, it's funny.

1:05:46Shane Gillis:It's funny to be like, no, they're just smuggling with oil tankers. It's fully just us stealing their oil. What the hell?

1:05:57Is there like a Trump and the Secretary of War Speech tonight? Oh, it's happening right now? Yeah I guess oil too Is like so Hopefully that's nothing

1:06:09Shane Gillis:Yeah That'd be nice If I stopped it But it's like If you can Because oil is like The one commodity You really can Just start like Blowing people up over You don't really Usually don't fight people Over like bananas and shit So I think there is that one I know there was that there used to yeah I knew there was that one fuck what was that called it was like a it was a horrible thing the government did that had just it was like the banana company or whatever yeah yeah the Dulles's were helping the yeah fuck what is it called the fruit the fruit company it was like but there was banana republics that's what that's about yeah like they would try to like nationalize their own yeah that's what United Fruit Co they would try to nationalize their own shit and we'd be like nah that's ours yeah we need a regime change your bananas are our bananas put in this fucking insane guy who promised us to give us the bananas that's so crazy yeah it's crazy just be the big banana boss there were some big banana bosses Donkey Kong we installed Donkey Kong as their dictator he went get him donkey get him DK be the president of a banana company and just be like kill that guy Think of the dumbest product you can think of that's what was like sugar.

1:07:23That's great, bro We need to kill a million people for this fucking sugar bro.

1:07:27Shane Gillis:Imagine no tea Imagine getting a tanker of already freckled bananas and you're the banana boss you go someone's got to pay for this Someone's gonna pay these bananas to sell these nanos It's called papers like do some articles about banana bread. All right We're gonna use right bananas for banana bread the bread that going we're gonna kill this guy Yeah, that was like the foundation of the CIA. Yeah, I remember. The Dulles brothers, they were lawyers in New York. They were corporate lawyers who worked for the United Fruit Company. And then they were like, I guess still boys with them. So they're like, we're going to found the CIA.

1:08:03And then like, bro, you got problems? Oh, yeah. Now we can fucking do shit about it. Get some bananas flying. We'll get the bananas going. Well, heck, freaking yeah. Whatever. I could be wrong about all that. No, I think you're right.

1:08:14Shane Gillis:I remember as I said that, I was like, oh, yeah. I remember hearing something like a United Fruit Co. thing. Well, that's a good episode. Yes. One hour. Merry Christmas, everybody. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.

1:08:37Turn it up. Storm has zero sugar and 200 milligrams of caffeine, so you can turn that workout up a notch. Good energy in, good energy out. Energy for life.

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