Ep 594 - Gooniverse (feat. Steve Gerben & Billy)

19:15Shane Gillis:Drills another reporter on the way out. Also, I noticed, I watched a clip, hitting an Asian lady with like, your brain sucks. And when he walks away, the 80-year-old guy is like, dude, you have all the confidence in the world. And the Asian lady, after he walked away, was just like. Yeah.

19:31I think he's like becoming way too clear. You know, like when someone's like about to die and everyone's in the room is like, Shane, Kirby. He knows everybody. Just sharp his attack and it's just going to fucking collapse. Dude, the Venezuela thing got me back. Dude, the memes. Leading up to Venezuela, I was like, don't go to war, dude. The last thing we won was a war. Fuck all that. One meme of Tekashi69 being saying, took that stalled ass shit. That's what I do as Trump. I was like, yeah, America rules. Take all their shit. Do it. That's why they're showing that.

20:03Shane Gillis:The tariffs. Did it work or not? Everything was definitely If it didn't work, they'd be talking about it. That's what I'm saying. That was the one thing. Tariffs rule. We're sending us back 400 years of diplomacy and then you never heard another thing about it. You're probably right. The tariffs work. Venezuela, so far, so good. People were mad. As soon as he was like, dude, we're making$400 trillion everyone was like, fuck, dude. Stole that shit. That's what I do. They're shutting down all the news stuff too. Because it just works. If Shane watches reels, it's pretty much like someone watching Fox News.

20:36Like, I'm up. Literally all I need. Show me a fighter jet reel. I go, yep. Play the Macarena in slow. Yeah. Play a slow version of the Macarena. Get you horny for five seconds. I want war. Back to war. Also, it's doing really good. Whoever's running that propaganda is fucking killing it.

20:52Shane Gillis:We have any Latin American country now, just like we had terrorism in the Middle East, we can be like, yo, they're fucking selling cocaine. We can go take their natural reason. We have that locked for the next 10 years. I will say Colombia's leader needs to shut the fuck up. They chirping? Did you see it? Dude, as soon as they took Maduro, he was like, yeah, you won't do that to me, pussy. I hear what they did. They turned the lights off. They turned the lights off, but then hit people with fucking radio waves that got them sick and bloody noses. What? Like Havana Syndrome? Yeah, it was like debilitating shit where they were like, dude, there was 20 of them and 300 of us, and it was a massacre.

21:25Shane Gillis:It's like predators versus humans. It's so bad. They're usually russies. I mean, it is embarrassing. If I lived in a country and they turned my lights off and took my president out, I'd be like, dude, you guys, like, be like, no, we fought. It was a brutal fire. Just, like, at least lie. No, we turned the lights out, turned them back on. We were the undertaker. It was literally the undertaker. The lights went out. The lights came back on. They were like, where is he? Fuck. It's like being down in the basement. Someone shuts the light off. It's so scary, dude. Think how scary it would be. He took their president and left.

21:54It's so scary. He just let out a few. Yo, who is that? Also, also on Air Force One, they're calling it a kidnapping and all that. And he's like, kidnapping, that's a good word. He's funny. I'm just saying he's funny about this. I agree that he's funny and funny. Great move to make everyone forget about Epstein.

22:13Shane Gillis:Oh, yeah. Yeah, true. And also, we need something big, man. Russia's on the offensive. China's supposed to be on the offensive. We can't just sit on our hands. That might be probably. We got to take something. What? What? I for real think that Russia and China are fucked up. China does have less drinking water in Saudi Arabia and they didn't let people have kids for a long time so they're population 2030 those countries are going to get hit they can board all the boats they want the people are fucking disappearing and no one wants to bang Chinese dudes and the Chinese chicks are leaving that's a tough one you shriveled your bros everyone in there is pissed they'll fucking go out swinging though If they have no pussy and it's just like we got to ruin everyone else's time, that would be a crazy war.

22:59So I'll fucking kill myself.

23:01Shane Gillis:Just go. Put yourself up somewhere. You'll never get a pussy. Seriously, if you're in a Chinese village with what he says. No water, no pussy. Yeah, that's untenable. I don't care how many sweet bridges are being filmed on YouTube. I'm going to be like, you know what? This bridge is really helping me. It's a subway that goes through people's houses. It's like, yeah, because they can't say no. It's a fucking skyscraper. I've never gotten sold on the China hype. The propaganda, that's the one propaganda that really doesn't work on me. I watch, like, a drone footage of, like, a city with neon lights.

23:30You're like, this looks like shit.

23:32Shane Gillis:Well, it's also that. And they're also like, oh, man, we might go to war with China. It's like, all right, if we do, we do. If I have to, I will. They wouldn't last a second. They wouldn't last a second around us. No, yeah, it's crazy. You keep fucking, they might cut off your steroids, though, if you talk. Me? The Chinese fucking rhino pills you're snorting. I'm herbal, bro. You'd have to get India to take my ashwagandha. The Middle Eastern is to take my shilajit. I'm all herbal. They're saying I'm on steroids. I'm on all natural enhancers. I completely believe you. Thank you. Don't be rude. What?

24:10Don't be rude. I'm complimenting the man. Genuinely. I'm saying you look like you're on juice. You go, oh, I completely believe you're not on juice. That's fucked up. Because he would be honest with it. If there's one person that would be like, I'm doing it. It's like the ring, dude. Appreciate that. Yeah. People start taking steroids and they get real weird, dude. They won't tell anyone. They're like, no, it's natural.

24:31Shane Gillis:It's natural. Yeah. Interesting. Everyone who does steroids. Not now, though, dude. The gym I go to, I sit in the sauna and all the bros are like, they just make fun of each other. They'll be like, I don't know. They're like, take a cycle, you fucking pussy. It's pretty funny. Enlarge your heart. I heard, who was the guy? Clavicle? Clavicular. Apparently, allegedly, he's been on TRT since 14. and he smashes his jaw with a hammer every day to get micro fractures. He's looks maxing real hard. What? Apparently he's a guy. Yeah, I saw him. He's looks maxed since he was 14. How close were you to considering it?

25:03Oh. Were you a part of the looks maxing? Well, as I watched the real art podcast, he'll do anything to do it. As we watched it, thought about it. He'll do anything to be part of the looks maxing. If looks maxing... He looks maxes on set. I'd be... Oh. You look max on set. Would you wear... When we're filming, he looks max. He wears fucking platform shoes. I don't wear platform shoes. He does. That is so... What is that? You saw them. No, these are gigantic. How big would you say you're the soul of your Buddhist? You know what? Just give us one of these. They're Echo shoes. You're rocking Echoes, bro.

25:36Yeah, they're very comfortable. What? Where'd you get it from? The$23 store? Chester, there was a place. We're filming. Me and him are doing scenes. I'm going... Hold on. You can't do the special shoes. What? There used to be a place in Chester where every sneaker was$23, and that's probably where they saw it. Where did you get Echo shoes? Echo, like the one with the rhino on?

25:56Shane Gillis:That's where Echo. That's like seventh grade bad kid gloves. No, no. Echo is rebranded. Single mother shoes. If they have rebranded. He's wearing the Shaxx. Snow Sweet in fourth grade. Echo is for like the baddest. Bro, how sick would it be if he started wearing Echo hoodies? Like that red one, dude, that'd be so sick. CCO. I was first down. Matt had an Echo. No, I was first down. I did first down. There's a thing called first down? Yeah, first down was the shit. I used to have a big first down bubble jacket. It was nasty as hell. Was that like the starter jacket? It was Echo, first down. They were like bag-tay clothes.

26:38South Pole. South Pole. That's pretty cool.

26:41Shane Gillis:Yeah, it was fucking nasty as hell. Yeah. Lugs, lugs, shoes. You had it. They were like knockoff Timberlade. Dude, you were swagged out. I did have lugs. Lugs? Did you have? Yeah, I had lugs. Lugs are nasty. Birdman? For Catholic school, yeah. Yeah, they're bird. Yeah. I would wear Timberlands. I had P. Miller's shoes for a while. That's where the$23 store got P. Miller's soldiers. Damn. They fell apart very quickly. P. Miller's soldiers. So you have the Echo boots right now? No, they're not boots. They're just loafers. They're loafers that are for real. The heel is definitely that thick. It just couldn't be further from the shoes.

27:13I'll take a picture and we'll add it to this. It might be a centimeter. You know, it's not ideal. But the last year, because I wore work boots. Yeah. And he was like, you're trying to heighten. No, no. He tries to heighten. Literally what I'd wear. He got his shirts tailored. They tailor them. Yeah. They tailor yours. No. Yes, absolutely. No, they didn't. They tried to and I said, no, just give me that one. Okay. Well, it's because your stuff fits you. But I have that weird body sheet so it hangs over my hands. My body's nuts, dude. What? So, anywho, I said to me, like, don't, you know, I want baggy clothes this year.

27:54It's very in style. The baggy looks nice on you, honestly. All right, thanks. Yeah. And then I got flat shoes. And then to him, they're still platform shoes. They're not. I'm so excited to show you guys a picture of these fucking boots. I can't wait.

28:06Shane Gillis:I got accused of hype maxing on stage by an old lady. Really? I had the hokas on, and I was talking about expensive purses, and she had an expensive. I didn't even notice. And she got mad at me for bringing up designer bags and how much they cost. And she was like, well, you don't get your shoes, your knockoff shoes, make you look taller. I was like, they're not hokas. They're not knockoffs. I was like, she was talking about my tiny penis if you want to hurt my feelings. I had to kick out like a 65-year-old lady. I felt terrible. Started to cry. Wow, no. She started to mess it up. I was screaming.

28:36She's trying to say you're stealing height, Valor. You got to put her down. Yeah. There's nothing she can say to hurt me, though. I was like, yeah, I'm short.

28:43Shane Gillis:Girls hate it. You got to go on one of those. Don't have to do it. You got to go on one of those podcasts. I'm sub six. What are you, 5 '11"? 5 '10". I'm sub six. Sub six. I'm a piece of fucking trash. You're not a piece of trash, man. I'm sub six. That could be why you're juicing as hard as you are. Well, I guess I'm sub six. Because you're sub six. You have to juice. You must be clanging and banging in there. Sub six. If I get a girlfriend, best believe it's an abusive relationship That's the only way I can keep a girl around Psychologically abusive relationship That's the only way as a sub-six I can keep a girl around I see that on Instagram every now and then What's that?

29:18Shane Gillis:If you leave, you're hurting her The guys that are like for real fucked up the girls That's wild It's nice What do they say if you leave, you're hurting her? If you leave right now, you know I'm the only person that loves you Everyone talks shit behind your back I say that to fucking Jeebles all the time This is why everyone talks shit behind your back That's a good move I'm gonna get into that Instagram content Of like just making things Like a girl's leaving Like my impassioned thing To keep her to stay Like that British guy that screams Yeah That shit rules He's gonna mistreat you She's tired She's had enough She can't keep working like this That's a Gerby baby What's that?

30:01What are you up to boys? Let's talk about Your square doll What let's talk about square dance square dancing sure we can talk about swindas You should see this line Yeah, I know your beaver out there my what you're an eager beaver out there. Yeah I made one thing and then shing it all the hold on one second But I was gonna say about the Instagram reels which because I said you think mine was like genuinely I think I mean it was it was sending me stuff as if I was a girl What yeah? You thought he was a girl. Because I entered the dating pool again. Of course. For sure. And then I immediately like this person.

30:40He is splashing. Really? You got him in the dating pool? You cannonballed into that fucking thing. He's making a wave. He's making a wave. On certain videos. And it's just like, girl, if he doesn't, blah, blah, blah. It's like a bunch of stuff like that. What? Yeah, it's kind of funny. Man, that's awesome. My favorite thing to do at work now is to show Gerby's brain rot. He has no idea what it is. I showed him like Crocodero Bombadero and he's just... I just don't get what's funny about this. Yeah, it terrifies me. I don't actually think it's funny. I do think it's funny. It is funny.

31:16Shane Gillis:Did you ever see the videos and they show it to homeless people? I swear to God, it's this. He's like, what's his name? Why's that alligator wearing shoes? Hey! So the dating pool right now back in apps. He heads down to the honky-tonk. And he's learned of the moves. He knows the dances. Dude, that's the way to do it, though. It's crazy. Yeah, line dancing is a ton of fun. That's the way to do it. Can you grind? Can I what? Can you grind on the girls during the line dancing? No, no. Hands on hips, I guess. Oh, no, no, no. It's just like you're next to them. What's the one where you lay on the floor and do patty cake?

31:53I don't know. You guys all sit on the floor across from each other. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah. What is that? I truly don't know. That's your favorite one. You like that? You pair up with a pretty girl? It was nice. I was jealous watching that. How do you send a message? What does that mean? To like a woman that you're line dancing with. How do you go? Hey, let's take this to the next level. Oh, I mean, eye contact. I think you just razzle her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dazzle her on the floor. Afterwards, you go try and get a drink and just say, what's going on? Evening, darling. Yeah. That's nice.

32:25Shane Gillis:That's good, clean, fine. Have you ever gone like that? I've never gone line dancing. I've salsaed a bit in my day. I have salsa to college. That's crazy. Salsa is crazy. He would love salsas. That's what I'm saying. Line dance is alright. Salsa is just purely sexual. Right, but I need a partner. No, you can go You can find a partner there. You find plenty of partners line dancing. It's all girls. It was crazy. Salsa is all girls. If you show up and you're a guy They'll definitely salsa with you. Okay. And you'd wear a salsa outfit. I know you. You would definitely get into the fully. He'd have an unbuttoned.

33:03I do do that. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. You already know. He's got a cowboy hat now. And boots. That's two. Yeah. You got two? There's another one? Well, because the first one, everybody says isn't a cowboy hat. What do you mean? It's a Stetson Open Runners 6X. It's like Bobby Caldwell wears? I don't know. So is it like rounder on the top? What are we talking about? It's not rounder. It's like cowboy at the top. It's only about four inches It's like a fedora No no no it's not a fedora You're hearing it with like the governor cap He doesn't wear it in public He goes home he puts it on And he talks to his cat and he goes Get along little doogie And he goes home and wears it in front of the mirror For real That'd be Steve Gein So it's cowboy short brim Everybody just Just said that looks awful So then I ordered 10 gallon.

33:55What's that? 10 gallon. This is right. Get a giant one. So I got a regular one. And then everybody said, that looks like a cowboy hat. So now I wear that one all the time. Have you worn it in public? In public? Not in public. Just still at your house. On the golf course? I wear it at home. And then I mention it. But like when I work out, like all the way. No.

34:14Shane Gillis:God damn it, dude. No, there's something about dressing up like a cowboy. I swear to God. I went to a Western-themed party. I put the gear on and was like. I understand. On a cowboy hat? You wear a white feet and a cowboy hat. I mean, it's a home gym. There's a wheels. What music are you playing? 10 % skill. 20 % fort minor. There's a, if you. You're like Rip from Yellowstone, bro. What is that? Rip. Is that what he does? He's a badass in Yellowstone. I need a picture of this. So. Please. Tank top, cowboy hat, workout. The one song that I really like. That's what a fifth grader would do. That's insane.

34:49Look, it is what it is. It's true. It's how my brain likes to do it. and I'm doing it. All right. Because it's... Stand for something or fall for anything. I'm behind you. Thank you. I recognize how big of a douche I look at that kid. No, no. I think so. It's fun. I think it's nasty.

35:07Shane Gillis:And you're kind of shredded, so... Yeah. I don't know. What are you hitting? Pull-ups? Like, what are you hitting in the hat? Yeah, he rips pull-ups. Yeah, I have a pull-up bar and then... But it's a cable machine. You know, like with two... Bowflex? No. No, but you're hitting... You're just going... Hitting those things. What is the jam? What are you listening to? So there's a line dancing song called Fake ID. Damn. From the movie Footloose, which I think your friend was in, Miles Teller. Oh. Yeah, the remake. Nice. And I could do that entire dance. It's advanced. I can do it. Well. Yeah. Please.

35:45No, not here. No, no, no. Not right now. I mean, nothing. You're on the proper gear already. I promise you before the show is over, I'll do it for you. What was the song? Fake ID. Is it?

35:56Shane Gillis:You can watch it on YouTube. So the workout is you're playing the song. So are you lifting and then hitting the numbers real quick? Yeah. That's nice. Dude, I see more people in the gym who hit dance moves, like choreo dance moves now. It's got to be.

36:15Shane Gillis:That's the song? No, this is the song. Damn. Hey. That's awesome. Oh, yeah. You know it's good. Man. I can't believe you're wearing a tank top and a cowboy hat. Listen to that. Yeah. I like where you're at. I'm just envious. Here's the question. You're free. You're free, man. Truly free. Say, you know, you hit the square dance, bring Chica back home from the thing. Would you play some line dance while you guys are getting freaky? we've been discussing this as well music? well he's not afraid to hit the red light he's got a red light he'll turn on a red light in his bedroom for sex treat it like an Amsterdam have you never tried I could get into colored lighting I'm not going to lie and then he's not afraid to hit some 9 inch nails 9 inch nails well something like it like aggressive stripper music but hold on a second There's a larger conversation.

37:19Shane Gillis:Nine Inch Nails is surprising. I'm not going to lie. Nine Inch Nails is terrifying. I do actually hit Nine Inch Nails. Coming out from the bottom of the bed in the red light. Nine Inch Nails. I don't want to browse. For real, sleeper houses. Sleeper houses. Sleeper houses. I don't want to sponsor that's what. I actually read a book on how to eat your pussy just later.

37:42Shane Gillis:Nine Inch Nails. Now, I got to go cough. Yeah, go ahead. So I left that book out. This episode is brought to you by Viore. So there's a lot of sports out there. Obviously, you've got basketball, baseball, and football. But then there's running, climbing, yoga, pickleball. But the good news is that you only need one pair of shorts for all of it. The Core Short from Viore. That's right. The Core Short is the short that started it all for Viore. Fitness versatility. One short every sport. Guys, they're ideal for fitness running and training, but also stylish and comfortable. That's important. That is important.

38:17Shane Gillis:I want to be stylish. I want to be stylish and comfortable. Some of their stuff is like borderline-y verodica. So if you feel my shorts right here, I'm actually wearing them right now. I'm actually wearing them right now, dude. Please do not. Viori is an investment in happiness. And right now you can get 20 % off your first order and free shipping on any U.S. order of$75 and free returns. So get your core shorts now at Viori.com slash secret. That's V-U-O-R-I.com slash secret. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. This episode is brought to you by Onnit. Ever feel like your brain is on but nobody's home?

38:53Yes, actually. That actually, yeah.

38:56Shane Gillis:All the time. AlphaBrain is a daily supplement with science-backed ingredients made to support memory and focus so you can lock in, tune out distractions, and stay sharp. I've never been sharper. Visit Onnit.com and shop AlphaBrain to unlock your next level. that's o-n-n-i-t dot com yeah oh god hold on you gotta hear this they're we're doing a uh we're filming some at his house so they did like a location scout to check his house out and he's sick as fuck uh he left his how to eat pussy book out open on the couch on the couch So when the whole crew and cat, no, he should have said he was joking.

39:43Yeah. He said that he was in his room while they were looking. Cause he's sick. And then they told me they heard him. Oh my God. They told me they heard him go shit. He came out and grabbed his eating pussy book. And they said it was on, they said it was like five pages left. It just, which means he was reading it when somebody rang the doorbell. I was like, Oh, Oh, we need the book. It's called She Comes First He sent me passages It's a disturbing read What? She Comes First Written by a man or a woman? It's gotta be written by a woman I used to watch all that shit On YouTube I would just say how to make out the girl How to grind For any dancers Trying to get as much as I could in the novel

40:28Shane Gillis:I remember Ian Kerner wrote it So dude It's probably She Comes First that is a papaya the thinking man's guide to pleasuring a woman you're a thinking man so yeah explain utterly humiliating who wouldn't want to know more about you know when everybody came over the warehouse was clean except for like that book on my couch that's a statement it was a real statement to the rest of the cast or the crew, the whole crew saw it this guy means business that's a thinking man that's ready to eat some pot I said to them, I said, I'm so sorry, don't tell Shane. He didn't. They all told me. Every single person.

41:08Do you hit him with a rodent where you're just like this? I think he has. Classic thing. He has words.

41:14Shane Gillis:I mean, you never really thought to rest your hand on your chin. That would be ultimate support. That would help. I learned that as, like, it evaded you this whole time. What has, like, evaded you that you got from this book? That positioning is very important. Both of you need to be physically, your bodies need to be comfortable because you're in it for the long haul. It's like welding. Yeah. Oh, the build-up sort of stuff. Yeah. And then, like, what? Yeah, I was at. What's the build-up? Like, I would just go, originally, I would just go straight forward. Go right in. Like a hungry dog. Yeah.

41:49They'd put the food bowl out. He'd go. That's right. But now, you know, you got to be. Guilty. Get around. Oh, yeah. The trough comes out. Get to it. Yeah. It's happening. And then just understanding that you can use your gum to create pressure on the top. Not the cliris itself, but the top of the cliris. Your gum? Your gum, yeah. Your top gum. So you can create pressure there. I doggle. You're talking about sucking on it? No. Explain this. You're putting your gum. Like pinning it down a little bit. Yep. You're pinning it down. And then you're using your two fingers, which I can't do. It kills me.

42:29No, it's okay. You got one wild one. Yeah, but you can then put pressure on the G-spot from under as you create pressure downward with your gum. It's over, yeah. It's over. It's over.

42:45Shane Gillis:It's over. It's over. She can't go anywhere. It's fucking, I want to fuck you like an animal. Hold on. Hang on. So I don't play Nine Inch Nails. What was it? What do you play? Well, so there was one song that I found very sexy. I had been on like an OnlyFans, you know, this person I had subscribed. Lonely Fans, yeah. What's that? Lonely Fans. Lonely Fans. I was a Lonely Fans subscriber to this woman. Yeah. She has since deleted her. Not that she got her app. She found out you were on it. You turned her straight. Right. Turned her straight. Yeah, that's good. Wait, so what was she playing? What was the soundtrack?

43:18The song was, so then I shazammed it. Dude, how crazy is this? he told me that he shazammed while only fancying. While jacking off to only fancy. While jacking off. Oh, you're just perusing. Well, I had jacked off to it. You had already finished. And then you say, what's the name of that song? At a certain point you go, you know what? What was that song? Fair enough. It was called Bent. Or no, wait, was that the name of the band? Yeah, it was called Bent by something German. Direware for firewall. No, no, no. Beer is. Is it like Duhas?

43:53Shane Gillis:Duhas I mean it's got the vibe It's got Ninersdale's vibe I got you, it's like that industrial kind of metal Yeah, yeah So then I tried one time to Like have sex with it But the timing of it Like a song like that You know Also the combo back then, what'd you hear about the song? You'd have to be like Oh yeah I don't know I don't know Yeah Yeah Yeah. I can't find a bent. Oh.

44:28No, man. Sex is squid game. It's not this. That's not it, yeah.

44:35Shane Gillis:I kind of like that. Hop really quick into this. You know what I've seen on the plane a lot? I've been seeing older women with, like, mega big font reading erotica on the plane. It's all they read. All the time. And it's, like, telepron. I was looking over. The lady next to me today. Lickedwood L-I-C-H-W-O-O-D So like German? Yeah. Lickedwood. Oh, there you go. That's more like techno. That's more like techno. Lowrider. Hold on, I gotta get the good part. Yeah, true. Because it's like a... That's like when they get the bad guys in John Wick. Oh, wait, wait, that's the drop.

45:24Shane Gillis:Bro, this is like the red light shit. You're mad, bro. This is real gooner shit. You don't think that's sexy? What? You're out of control. I forget what they're called. That's a thing. That's like gooner music. It's what? Gooner music. I'm a gooner. Yeah. It's like battle faps and stuff. They'll do it to like shit like that. I read a whole article on being like the state of gooning. It's like me and you would be like, yo, we're about to watch. Who can last longer? And then you just battle-fap your gooner friend. Oh, wait. What's a gooner? Gooner's like a guy who loves porn. Gooning's like, it's hardcore editing.

46:02Shane Gillis:It's hardcore. It's like if you were to get your basement and set it up specifically for masturbation. Oh, no, I'm not a gooner. Was that a compilation video you were watching that song? That? Yes. No. No. Was it like a compilation video of her? No. Oh, so it was just her masturbating to that song? Yes. It wasn't one of those like follow the metronomes. Yes, like sissy hypnos. No. The metronome kind of slaps, honestly. I'll give it a shot for a minute and then I'll go, what the fuck is this? We've all tried, dude. Don't lie. The metronome? Don't even worry. We can't give you the metronome. You'll be too powerful.

46:36No, I've seen it. I might be too powerful for it. You never tried it one day? No. Oh, yeah, fuck.

46:43Shane Gillis:It is tough. Then you realize you're teasing yourself and you go, I gotta stop. This is kind of ridiculous. Just a callback to my favorite episode you guys ever did with the q plus one when you were talking about porn and you you because you were accusing him of look at it really and then you're like what do you watch and you were like j-o-i and you you go that's an appetizer bro you gotta have a warm-up yeah it's an appetizer bro i mean shazamming a fucking only fans video is well impressive and it's impressive I wouldn't think well because I saw you know the sexy thing and I was like yeah you're going to replicate yeah copy paste yeah the best the best porn video and I've never seen anything like it ever again there's a guy out there who just lets women no there's lets women hump his butt with their vaginas and he claims to give them multiple O's from them humping his butt with their vaginas wow I was one that was one where I I literally turned the porn off and went upstairs and was like, I'm not sure.

47:47Shane Gillis:I like saw it and laughed. I was like, I'm done. I can't. Yeah, it's hilarious. But yeah, he's just like this muscly man. He just sits there and the chicks just hump his butt with his vaginas. And his title will be like She Came Twice. And I was watching like, wait, what? I think this guy's begging for it. He's going, I'm not gay. I just like somebody humping my butt. Like a woman humping my butt and coming. I bet that feels good. You having a badge smash you? Yeah. It's probably not bad. It probably tickles a little, honestly. A madge? A madge.

48:25Something to think about. Something to consider. I think I'd seen that guy, though, but not from that swank battle. At the golf course? No. Where'd you see him? Well, because Come Twice is one of my fetishes. Jeez. What? You gotta be wank battling someone. No. No, no. I just... Well, first of all, it is a fan. There was a whole subreddit for that. Com him twice? Yeah. There's nothing wrong with it. It's fine. A man? What's that? A man or a woman? A man. Oh, there's something wrong with him. Yeah, because it's like so good that he premature, and then they keep going. Yeah, right. And it's just like a really tiny, muscly guy that got...

49:07I shouldn't call him tiny. And he would just get dry humped.

49:11Shane Gillis:Yeah dude That's how I fell into the video I was watching the guy get dry humped And I was like alright If you kept following that There would have been like a lady You were right there All you had to do was dunk your head underwater And you saw him getting his butt humped That's the next video Dunk my head underwater That's so crazy I forgot it was from dry humping That's what it was The Gooners round table The Gooniverse two overlaps of my fetish eye or whatever. Fetish eye. The gooners unite, dude. What's the last time you used, bro? Been a little bit. Fucking crazy right now. I'm telling you, it's been a little bit.

49:54Shane Gillis:Texas does cure the sickness. You go down there, there's not a lot, dude. There's not a lot that be had. We can find it. True. Dude, gooner bloodhounds. You'd sniff it out. Kindred spirits. It's really kind of emergency. It's like emergency fap anymore. It's like emergency fap. So he would scan his face as soon as he got off the plane. As soon as the plane lay in the airport going. No shame. The government can know exactly what I'm doing. Just call the Capitol. I've touched down. Here's my ID. No, dude, I forgot that's how it started. It was dry humping. Yes. Because the whole dry humping. from a panty job fetish?

50:39Shane Gillis:Yeah. Yes. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. What's a panty job? Panty job. I got you. This is like the Belmar, brother. I got you. So panty jobs, it's a whole world of ass jobs slash outer core slash. Dude. This is what it rules. What the fuck is going on? Slash unexpected sex, which is not as aggressive as it sounds like. But basically How are you doing all of this and line dancing? So You should see how horny is on the dance floor, bro It's fucking crazy What girl? Okay, so anyway I'll do this and then we can have that out Okay So If you, like a real Planned version of this Would be Mano Job Which is Bro, I'm not kidding, you're hurting our show Oh, my bad No way.

51:37Explain. Well, I'm just saying, if anybody wants to know what we're talking about, the easiest way to find this is through... Mano job? Where there's supposed to be hand jobs. Mano, I think... Mano is Latin for hand. Oh, so mano job. My bad. It doesn't matter. I was going to hold your feet to the flash for that one. What's the Latin root? But the general idea is... What's the etymology of fanny job? It's supposed to be... It's only supposed to be a hand job or a blowjob or like a little grind session, but she gets so into it that Oops, you know like slides in a little bit for a little bit that that is it's a paying jobs when you stay out of course

52:16Shane Gillis:But you're kind of it's like between skin and the panties and you're kind of like hitting that gap. Yeah It's not bad. I don't know the name for it. But yes, I've indulged. Yeah, it's incredible. Yeah, it's a really great video I've indulged. It's great. And so this guy. Sometimes it's outside and it's a lady in a sundress. She just lifts it up. It's a nice time. Yes. They're kind of going belly to belly standing. Am I right? Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. Carrie Light. What? You know her name? Probably. What'd you just say? Carrie Light. Is that her? That is a lady that's on X-Men.

52:47Well, I need to know this because I've been looking for this fucking lady. Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw it years ago.

52:52Shane Gillis:I have a lost panty job video that haunts. I can never find it. It was. I was like, got to remember that. I woke up the next day and I was like, it's gone. Do you want to describe it to me? I never used to. You might have reached the goon state. What did you say? I do think I'm probably like in the top 1 % to 2 % of Penny Job. Of those videos. Yeah. And I'm not proud of that. I think it's not that bad of Penny Job. You know. Interesting. Penny Job's not bad. It's when you, like Penny Job's so innocent and then you see the muscle guy getting humped in the butt. Jesus Christ. What? I've been clean since February.

53:27Shane Gillis:Take it easy, man. Clean since last February? I haven't jerked off since last February. Wow. All right, cool. Oh, you haven't even jerked off. Congratulations on your... Thank you. Yeah, engagement. Yeah, well, it must be nice, dude. Yeah. Must be nice. That's what Shane hit me with. Right when it happened. My wings have been clipped so many times. I've gone no masturbation, no porn, and my wings have been clipped so many times. I've been flying, and then they just crash right back. Sure. Dickress. Sure. Dickress. That happens. It's fine. There's nothing wrong with it. No. I don't beat myself up about it.

54:05Gotcha. Loud and clear. So, Gerby, you're saying you're top 1 % horniest guys? I regret saying that. I just think that it's not horniest guys. What I meant was that style of video because there was a whole subreddit. You've been locking it down. How long have you been holding it down? For years. Oh, really? You found your thing? Yeah, yeah. Do you have an alt account? No. Oh, you just go anonymous browsing? What did you mean by that? Like, do you have a Reddit just set up for you to watch porn? No, I just have my regular. Just rock it. Yeah.

54:39Shane Gillis:But it's not like I. Yeah, you don't care. You don't have like a public. Yeah, I'm trying to get like Reddit karma and shit. Right. You're not commenting. No. Okay. You promise? Like, I commented like not on. You get information different. Not on porn. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Some say, like, you're not commenting on, like, the shit you're jerking. No. I would say a comment to get information about a starlet is fine. She's beautiful. What's her name? Has anyone actually seen her face? That's a great comment. Name? Yeah, if you're information forging, that's an acceptable comment. Yeah. That's where I think you might be, like, bottom 10 % because there's dudes commenting.

55:19Shane Gillis:No, I was just saying insofar as, like, the type of video. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's always nice when you hear somebody knows what you're talking about in terms of something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Because rarely do guys get to have conversations like this, dude. It's important. We're in the, you know, we're in my man cave, dude. Pool table, sitting around, talking jizz. That's what it's all about. Camera setup's nasty. Camera's nice. It's that new 8K. Spotify's going to love it. Spotify's going to go, damn, these boys blessed us again. It looks like the dog's playing poker painting. It does. Spotify is going to fafo, bro.

55:55Shane Gillis:Chill. You're going to what? Chill. Fafo. Oh, dude. He's trying to ruin our boomers. No. Oh, my God. There's boomers that are going against the ICE people protesting, and they're screaming at them, and the guy's saying, like, go Trump. And these gender goblins get around him and steal his glasses. But he's like 55, 60. He starts to run and just falls. Like, eat shit. He falls ass up, dude. He slides on all fours with his ass up. Like a drink. The worst fall you can imagine. It looks AI. The type of fall. People don't fall like that. This is fake. What side of the yore? He was walking through a protest.

56:37He was like, fucking queers. And a kid steals his glasses. Falls ass up. I saw that. He got back up and then a dude kicked his legs out again. He just went face first into a curb. Like a huge gash. and had no idea what the fuck was going on. Still trying to fight them.

56:53Shane Gillis:People need to go home, man. Everyone needs to go home on those things. It's time to go home. Too dangerous. That's how all boomers will die. Just walking by a process. I'm a car. Yeah. I'm about to beat the shit out of you guys. You're lucky I don't just get a heart attack. They're so frail, brother. Clear the cul-de-sac, pussies. Boomers have not ran in 30 years. Yeah. If you try to start running, dude, it's over for them. Yeah. If you go from no exercise to political violence. Yeah. Fist fight. A wrestling match and a fist fight, you're dead. I know. Equilibrium is probably like real fucked up.

57:26Shane Gillis:Bro, yeah. That's been my take from all the fights. It's like, go home, dude. No one's built for this, dude. Stay home. Hit it on Facebook. All caps on Facebook. Yeah. Stay in your space. Hit them on Facebook. Do not take it to the streets right now. At least let the weather get nice. It's chilly, dude. It is too cold. Freezing, dude. That guy was in his glory, though, at first. He was so happy. Yeah. Then he took it to the streets. you gotta just let the people take your glasses you gotta just go yeah you got my glasses yeah knees kind of out also i met dude imagine though if you're if you're crushing fox news all day every day and the fucking lib protesters hit your block there's i think they're i think fox is trying to get us into some iran right now i think we're back on it oh really because they're having protests and we're like we're with you we're with the protesters.

58:19We didn't start this. Yeah.

58:21Shane Gillis:Oh. Yeah they're like yeah there's protests for like a regime change. That's all you gotta do dude. Say our name. Say it one more time. Yeah true. We're candy man. Say regime change three times in a mirror. Colombia I'm telling you they got two more. Bogota? They made a mistake. I mean dude here's the thing though. Do you think Venezuela's gonna kind of boss up since they have all this investment getting poured in. If I was the president of Colombia too I'd be like you won't fucking pour billion Tell me what they were doing. They went through hyperinflation in 2016. And then all these doctors and shit were getting paid like 50 cents a day doing CAPTCHAs to train AI to get smarter.

58:58Because AI has a hard time doing how many buses are in the squares. So these people just got decked with hyperinflation. And then started doing CAPTCHAs all day long for food, pretty much. Yeah.

59:11Shane Gillis:It's a tough deck of cards to get dealt. That is. It is a tough one. I stand with my Venezuelan people. Me too. I'm liberal. I'm liberal. Yeah, I guess the libs do stand with Venezuelans. You want to build a wall? No, I don't. No, I don't, dude. Don't even fucking joke about that. I'll fucking beat your ass. Gerben, I just went to a fucking crazy showing for a house. Where? Yeah, this is wild. Down? Oh, man. I was like going through one. It was fucking sick. and then like we're going through it and then the garage is awesome but like on the floor of the garage and like these red letters was 14 a lightning bolt 88 i was like no one knows what this means really yeah wait is that ss oh yeah it's 14 is like the letter the 14 words they live by an 88 tell hitler damn he was a proud white man what all the crowd right now open also using zillow yeah just a bit of yeah it is funny the nazis still have to do all that yeah I know.

1:00:10My house is on fucking

1:00:13Shane Gillis:Zillow fucking bullshit. Checking your Zestimate too. On Zillow and going, like, as soon as it goes down, you're like, I'll start looking around like, where are they? Who am I going to blame for this? Oh, never mind. I remember. I remember whose fault this is. You're 50 ,000 over asking. Yeah, fuck it. Damn. I mean, Borderline exciting. You never really see stuff like that. Yeah, you never see an actual Lex Proses. I knew of somebody I knew of somebody who was in a long term relationship with this guy and it got pretty serious and then they finally realized this guy by night would be online like full white supremacy and had to break their relationship they were dating for like years and the relationship broke up she got the chat logs I think logged on to the computer maybe thinking like is there any hoes in this house and it was just straight up like we must present it for the future for the way.

1:01:07Shane Gillis:He was like, God damn. Jeez. I love that. Dane and Nancy. I think he was just like working by day and then, you know, by night. He was trained by day. He was trained by day. Hate by night. It's literally everybody on the internet who comments on shit. Wouldn't shave my fucking face. It's just so funny to like, you know. I don't know what you're laughing at. Liver King's literally going to break through this window. I hope he does, dude. How are you talking like this? Put me on my misery. Nah, Liver King would respect that, bro. If you knew you were close to suicide, he would probably hit you with the ancestral tennis and build you up.

1:01:38Shane Gillis:It's the kind of guy he is for real, honestly. I like Liver King. I wish he never lied, that's all. You didn't see him in front of the Crumble Cookies with fucking swinging at clubs and shit? I like that. Crumble Cookies is so bad for you. Crumble Cookies. That's why Liver King's out there with a club. He went to Whataburger one time with his sons and got like a crazy ass meal. Got like 50 burgers. Clip it. Joke World. Joke World, Billy McCusker. Liver King went to Whataburger and got a crazy ass meal. You gotta see the clip. He said he was going to teach his sons how normal people go out to eat.

1:02:10Shane Gillis:And that was like 50 burgers, 20 fries, milkshakes, sodas. That was me, sophomore year. High school, dude. And the boys would go. Baconator. It's not just liverking. There's a couple of bros out here right now stopping people from going into fast food places. And they offer you$100. If you're going into Taco Bell, they're going to give you$100. I'll fucking walk home. Get out of my way. Give me a cheesy gorditi. I love those things. You see a lot of people, they see the hunter, and they go, no, give a fuck. Taco Bell. Also, you have it on the mind. If you're in the parking lot of Taco Bell, almost nothing can stop you.

1:02:44You've driven there. I know. You're going in. It's just funny. You watch it, you go, nah. Nah, fuck it. I'm going to eat this. I love cheesy gordita crackers. Crunchwrap Supreme. I tried to get one in Mechanicsburg when I left after going to the racetrack. They fucked my order up. Oh, really? What happened? They gave me rabbit food, and I was just like, whatever. Probably better off not getting it. What was it? Tomatoes and lettuce on the cheese to go dude.

1:03:09Shane Gillis:Bro. How do they forget the meat? I've known people, it's happened to a McDonald's where you get a burger. No, I think they had meat as well. Yeah, they had everything. He just doesn't like vegetables at all. Oh, they put the... Pick it off. I agree. It's a cheese to go dude, a crunch. You got the supreme. They gave you the supreme. True. Didn't take off tomatoes. You guys should have... I don't even want to bring it up. The line dancing. Oh, okay. It makes me sad. All right. Well, if it makes you sad, yeah. I've told them both already. Oh, okay. Good. The way you rushed into the room and pushed a girl out of the way to dance next to your sweetheart.

1:03:47Hey, take that to yours. She's not my sweetheart. She was very, very pretty. She's really pretty, but, you know... He shoved a woman out of the... Like, literally... And the woman wouldn't... Hold on. What was that? It couldn't be further From the truth Are you sure? Did I shove a woman out of the way? Yeah No Did you put your hands on her? No You never touched her Absolutely not I watched you touch her Okay You were like Literally like Could I imagine a scenario Where you You boxed her out Physically boxed her out Okay And started dancing While kind of Well it just upset you And you're not Well hold on Because we know this person.

1:04:32Further from the truth is crazy. The way that you phrased it, I didn't like it. Okay, boxed out instead of shoved. Yeah. And dancing while boxing out a little. Come on. No, it's not that. Again, we can't have this conversation because you're going to get too upset by it. Everyone saw it. Okay. We could bring down a witness. We could bring down two witnesses right now.

1:04:56Shane Gillis:There was a lady in the way. And he was dancing with a very pretty girl. Let's address what's actually happening. I'm the only one dancing. So Shane wants to go to watch me to find a reason to get upset by what I'm doing. No, I was very excited for you and I was happy for you. I was happy for you the entire time. That's a bully. What was going on? There's nothing I was going to do that wasn't going to fall under the gaze of scrutiny. Because that's what he's there to do. No, I was there to drink and have a good time. Which is watching me. Watching you dance. Yes. Yeah, but you like dancing. So what's the problem?

1:05:30I like watching you dance. It's fun. Because you're watching to make fun of me. Oh, no, no. Yes. I was excited to see your moves. And you had good moves. And I was saying, damn, Steve, you're pretty good at this. Okay, fair enough. So anyway, I was excited that I had two dances I knew how to do. One of them came on. I boxed out one of our colleagues to dance with this pretty woman. And he called me out. He was right. I should have done it. It was the line right in front of us. So it was like from me to you. I was sitting down. I watched Steve come running back from the bar with two drinks because he went to get us drinks.

1:06:04Yeah. The song started playing while he was at the bar. So he was in a hurry to get back. Yeah. Because he wanted to show this lady the moves. Yeah. Which I understand. Then he comes running back, puts him on the table. There's now, since he left, somebody filled his spot in the line dancing. So the only place he could go to get next door is to push that person out of the way. And I knew he was going to do it. and I sat there and watched him put the drinks down and start to shove a girl out of the way who didn't move, which was pretty crazy. That's pretty wild. She didn't get out of the way. She kept dancing while he was like...

1:06:36She's awesome, by the way. What's that? We know her. She's awesome. Oh, I think she's great. I was so happy she stood her ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was so proud of her. But while he was doing it, I said, Steve, you're the horniest guy on earth. And then he stormed off the dance floor. He was like, don't call me horny. Stormed out. Yeah, I don't like when he yells that stuff. Shane doesn't like when you talk to women. I've never been in a situation where if I'm talking to a woman that you don't come up and... Hold on, you're telling me he's a bit of a player hater. I'd say, yeah. I'd say he's a player hater.

1:07:08I will say I do hate the game. Typically, I don't hate a player. I hate the game, dude. Oh, no. I hate it. If I see someone doing moves to try to get a girl or just talking to a girl, talking to a girl. You talked to several women that night. Did I interrupt once? No. Arrest my case. All right. Fair enough. Now, when you shove the coworker out of the way to get next to a woman, did I speak? It was a sloppy move. I regret it. It was a sloppy move. It was incredibly sloppy. Did anything come of it? No. As soon as he stopped, a jack dude with a mullet came over and started grinding on that girl. Ooh.

1:07:45Ah. Hey. What are you going to do? No. Several other women were talking to him the whole time. Yeah. I was delighted for you. That's very nice. Have you ever sent you over the edge? Boxed out was, especially when it's a, because the whole time I saw him coming, and I was like, there's no way he's about to do what I know he's about to do. I'm imperfect. If any of my friends boxed a girl out to get next to a girl, I'd be like, it doesn't matter who it is. I go, what the fuck are you doing, dude? That's crazy. You're so horny. Yeah, I was like, Steve, you're the horniest guy on earth. Stop. If you watched me box out a girl To get close to another girl, what would you say?

1:08:23I would You'd be so happy I mean, even Jesus dropped across three times

1:08:27Shane Gillis:There's nothing wrong with it Especially being at a bar, hearing the song coming on Knowing the babes there Going, ooh, this is my song He was excited Sometimes people do stupid shit with her Fucking revved up And I'm allowed to say it I'm allowed to go, dude, what the fuck are you doing? If this is how we do it comes on I'll go for my favorite fucking song Now would you shove a woman out of the way to get close to a woman I can see myself Making the mistake of boxing out for sure Under oath I would describe it as a Slight shove Under oath Boxing out of square dance With elbows How about that?

1:09:04Is that a fair? It was a foul If it was on the basketball court Teed him up It was a physical box out I can't wait to have eyes on you. I couldn't. Can't wait. Please, Steve. To gaze upon you talking to women. Steve, you'll be in bed when I'm talking to the babes, dude. I don't talk to a woman before 10 p.m. That's your vampire. Dude. Yeah. I'm going to start staying up late. I'm going to start staying up late. I'm going to watch. You're a vampire. You cannot. You're horny. I would love that. I welcome that. I welcome that type of scrutiny. No. You need to know I'm not a crook.

1:09:46Shane Gillis:It would be funny if he just got hammered trying to stay up late, and then he was on like a movie date, and you're like, you horny motherfuckers. But have him removed from the building. Now, I'd like you to please answer me. What would you do if you saw me kind of going like this to one girl to go to the girl next to me? What would you say? I'd put the blinders on, let you get to work. You're fibbing. I would get to oik. Don't fib to me like that. I'm more of a tabulator. I would tabulate. I'd wait until later and go. That's interesting. That was crazy you did that. That was a wild one. I couldn't contain myself.

1:10:22Once I saw it, I was like, Steve.

1:10:25Shane Gillis:Well, especially you were, it was like he was jammed up to get to the floor, and you were in clock, and you were like, I know it's about to happen, which is also another big pressure. So when he hit the foul. But I mean, I'm sad you think that I was there to criticize you. I told you I wasn't. I was there. I was genuinely happy to watch you. You were frolicking. It was nice. Sure. And I do also want to say that I appreciate being, you know, teased about stuff like that because it's important to have checks and balances. Sure. And it is true that, like, but for you in my life, I'd probably be, you know.

1:11:00You'd be doing that for real. A lot. You'd be doing that a lot. A lot. There's no doubt. If a player's in the game, he needs rules. That's right. True. And I'd run amok. Have you? He's not afraid to run amok. If I didn't have a fishbowl, you know, I'd be...

1:11:16Shane Gillis:That's how surprise sex happens. What? Have you pulled from square dancing yet? No. Interesting. I watched it. You definitely pulled. You were doing well. Seeds of planet. I saw some numbers get exchanged. Oh, I went out on a few dates with... Yeah. There you go. Yeah. And very attractive women. Nice work. Oh, thanks. Yeah. It's just because of the show. Yeah, no shit. You got to do something. You get some fuck. What else are we doing? Yeah. That's nasty. It's all those years of hard work. It did hurt. It did hurt when the Jack's Mollet guy came in and stole your big boot. No, that guy's awesome, first of all.

1:11:49I know, but I see what's going on there. There's a lot of wolves in that building. Yeah. There's a lot of cowboys in fucking eastern Pennsylvania. Yeah. There's a lot of guys role-playing in there for girls.

1:12:04Shane Gillis:Yeah, true. I mean, that's a classic shepherd, dude. I'm basically Chris Kyle. Is that his name, Chris? Kyle? The American sniper? Yeah. You're either a wolf or a shepherd, son, or a sheep. Which one are you? I'm a shepherd. You're a wolf. But those meat? Big time, dude. You pushed a sweet sheep out of the way to be a predator. That's no sheep. And that's a shepherd. She's no sheep. No, that's... She's no sheep. She thinks she's up to no good. Not that she's up to no good, but that's, you know, she's... That's... Yeah. I will say her sticking around seemed like she was being funny. Yeah. Because anybody else would have got out of the way.

1:12:43She's very funny. She stayed there because she knew what he was doing. Yeah, yeah. She kind of was like, what are you going to do about it type. And Steve was ready to go. He would go as far as it took. If I didn't intervene, you would have thrown her to the ground. The young men that go to line. People both be into each other while doing this. You guys are a crowded fool. I would describe it as a square. and they were at the corner, the front corner. I don't know why I just exposed myself again. There's no other spot for him to go right there. And he went... Yeah, I was wrong. I said, ow! I was wrong.

1:13:19He's a wolf, dude. I was wrong. And you embarrassed me? Sorry. Sorry about that. I didn't mean to do that to you. We were on the clip of the fucking liver king at the fucking water. I never came with a Whataburger with his friends and had crazy meals Billy McOskerhauer That was so funny It's hard sitting next to you Breaking balls, but Colossus in the game I was like, I can't keep up Shut the fuck up, Billy, no, I think you're the funniest You're the funniest dude, shut the fuck up Phone, you must be a motherfucker You're the funniest

1:13:57Shane Gillis:It was so funny I thought about it, you know, sometimes you shouldn't Trust me, look I hear you. Why don't I say yes? What's nice is going to be on the best of 2026.

1:14:12Shane Gillis:Those fuckers that go to line dance, the young kids that go to line dance, you got to watch out for them. Yeah, they got 1488 in their garage. No, they don't. They're like the line dancers and stuff for the kids. You see those kids that are like 24 posts and they're like, get ready with me, a life in the day of a 24-year-old in Houston. That's exactly who fuck it. That was Mr. Steal, your girl. That was Mr. Steely, a girl. They're terrifying. He was a handsome fella. Gotcha. Yeah. The guy who came in and stole your prize. It was not my prize. You parade her around the street. You were going for it.

1:14:42Yeah, she was. You were dancing for a while. She was showing you. She was teaching you moves. Can I? Can I? That's so fucking right. Can I say something and then we can cut it? Yeah. For sure. For sure. And we're back. Yeah. We're back. Fair enough. I should have said that last bit. No, no, no. I think it's fair, Steve. It's context. Context, Matt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

1:15:01Shane Gillis:You want to be a freak, you know? Yeah. Context matters. You're totally fair. We're allied right now on this episode. You and I are allies, dude. We're fucking... You guys have all been allied. You guys have been allied. The McCusker brothers are on your side. It's me against the world. I'm Germany. I'm Germany. Sorry. Sorry. I called Germany. You're England. No, I'm not. England. We forced your hand. You're in a possible situation. I had to do it. Boland. I had to take Boland right away. You're France, dude. I'm USSR. You're next. No, you're not. I'm sorry when I fucking got myself. I'll kill myself.

1:15:34I'll kill everyone here. I'm going to starve to death in front of you. Do you remember when we put the crippling financial sanctions on Russia? Yeah. We were supposed to put them back to the Stone Age. What happened there? Monty's fake. Yeah. Wait, is that recently?

1:15:48Shane Gillis:No, that was like back in the day. Everyone changed their profile picture to the Ukraine flag and said like Russia. Well, they had that fucking pipeline. They only supply Europe with all their natural gas. Then something happened to it. I don't know. No one even knows. somehow somebody blew it up we wouldn't do that to our allies anyway so I didn't mean to kill the conversation but whenever we were talking about Venezuela I wanted to say that too remember yeah it was supposed to be back to the stone age how is that still working the prediction is they're going to grind their economy to like dust with the war and eventually they'll collapse again that's the prediction the equipment I've seen them using over there can't be that fucking expensive I mean it's like a fucking tank It's like a yeah It's covered in fencing They have to have BattleBots tanks Because they get hit with drones So all their tanks have like 10 feet of shit Hanging off of them And their drones are like Best Buy drones That's all you need It's like 30 grand a month from Best Buy Funds the war I wonder if after this war they'll get brought into the fold On favorable terms Never Russia has the worst luck Why?

1:16:58Shane Gillis:They've just been getting shit on forever They've been getting shit on forever Why would they fucking hate Russia bro But didn't they help us big time in fucking WW2 Yeah No everyone forgets about that They helped us And on this podcast we don't bring up past wars That's my one rule Michael from Love on the Spectrum Started a podcast and he was like In this podcast we have one rule We do not speak on past wars That's a good fan rule Good for him He could get his hands on the wrong book.

1:17:32Lose the liquid death money. Yeah, dude. I don't want you to feel bad about anything you do. No. Time out. I don't want you to feel bad about or worry about it because I truly mean what I say about that, which is like I need checks and balances on. Well, I like what you're doing. Cowboy hat, tank top. Snake boots? I support that. They're not snake, but I do have cowboy boots. You should think about getting snake skins. Or gators. You could be the man in black. Get all black. Black cowboy hats. No, no. It's all like browns and tans. No. You got to peacock a little bit. No, no, no. You've moved on?

1:18:11Yeah. Not even a feather in your cap? No. I would wait to be master of the dance before you go all black. Yeah. No, but Evelyn. Yeah. She got me one that was really funny. That's awesome.

1:18:23Shane Gillis:Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you're going to stay line dance or move on to different? I've already started doing some jive. There we go. Yeah. What the fuck is jive? Jive? Well, you're going to see it's in the show. It's like before the customer walks in today. Like I'm demonstrating to Kyla some new dance techniques. We're excited to have you tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be great. Yeah. Good old time. Sorry, this is a boring topic really quick, but has anybody seen the rehearsal two? like the one where he goes and he never mind what is that it's Nathan Fielder what's it what's rehearsal 2 it's like that Nathan Fielder thing on HBO he goes into an airplane I've heard of it yeah I heard it's really good I thought it was so funny I'm excited to see Jive what type of music is played during Jive like jazz dance that kind of stuff baby baby looks like it's going to Stuff like that.

1:19:24Shane Gillis:That'd be exactly that. Oh, shit. Yeah. Like big band. Yeah. Isn't that what it's called? Big band and swing. Yeah. Our grandfather liked big band. He also loved Herb Albert. Our grandfather? You're creating a monster. I try so hard, dude. Yeah, yeah. Just a minute ago, I was apologizing. And then you hit me with you dancing to fucking... Baby, baby. That's fucking bullshit. That sucks ass. Fuck. What's the next step after drive? Whatever comes up on the YouTube. I really need you to get into crumping. Yes. Please get into crumping. Yeah, crumping with me. Well, I do at some point, though. I want to show you the fake ID line dance.

1:20:09Because I'm going to, I'd like to see it. When we finally get a day off, I'm going to go back to line dancing with you. Yeah. That's awesome. I love it. That's when we're going to have to shove some people. Because I need a lot of space. Okay. Yeah, you go. True. We can clear it out for you. Okay. That place would be so hype if we cleared it out for you to dance. Yeah.

1:20:28Shane Gillis:It's going to make the accountant, dude. What's that? Did you ever see the accountant, too? No. Dancing and they get in a big fight. It's pretty sick. Two brothers, they just love each other. They go line dancing and they get in a big fight. That is going to, it's exactly what's going to happen. Well, you can look it up. It's called Footloose, the remake, fake ID, and then it's. And you've mastered the dance from the movie? Or is it just the. I definitely have it down. I wouldn't say I mastered it because there's Dude, there's people at that line The black dude and the white guy They were fucking killing it He was nasty He was enjoyable to watch And the little lady Yeah, people take it very seriously Oh yeah, it's fucking tight And then Gerby's gets out there And then what it was all over Then Shane danced and drank, he started playing drank Yeah Once everybody laughs, I got out on the floor This lady was being mean to him for no reason What the hell?

1:21:17Oh yeah, I forgot about that She was like straight up yelling at him for something. Yeah. What was that? What did she say? She was just saying like you're not good or I don't know. Yeah. It was like sitting down. She came over like, hey, fuck. Yeah. Like I was like, all right. She might have been nagging you though. And I tried to just like walk between them. And then he was like, Shane just kind of was like this. And then he goes, don't worry about it. And then he's like to her. He's like, you.

1:21:47That's just good, clean fun. Back to Drake, Dan Spinehead. Getting a thumbs down. That's what you get. That's all you need to do to somebody. Don't be afraid to talk after the Whataburger thing. Sorry. After the Whataburger fiasco? Maybe you should just edit me out the entire thing. We're playing it. I should roll. That's the Pajon episode. Who hit that burp? Probably Matt. Matt might have his eyes.

1:22:16Shane Gillis:I really apologize. I got spit. I didn't know. And then you said that. I'm like, my mouth does taste pretty horrible right now. I got spit. My mouth tastes like I hate trash. He burped up tacos. He was like, bro, it literally smells like they just cupped up. I hate the smell of burps. I apologize. If it has anything breaking down, shit. It's like fully cooked meal. It doesn't even sound bad, dude. I ate like a pint of guac before I did this. That shit stays with you all night long. Yeah, that was bad. I'm sorry. We'll say, when you start filming, you forget how much of a pussy you are. What? Dude, I have to wake up early?

1:22:47It's crazy

1:22:49Shane Gillis:618 for me tomorrow Billy Gall time I started doing calisthenics And it makes me want to fucking die Cool I'm doing like three pull ups at a time It's so embarrassing Pull ups are hard I for real might trans Just to make it less embarrassing I'm fucked up Just taking my tits back out 10 pull ups in It is the most embarrassing thing in the world Just failing doing three pull-ups. You got to do it, though. At least you can do three, dude. That's pretty good. That's what I was saying. Three is like three over and over. Plus of three. Yeah, three over and over again, dude. All the reals. Three every and every time.

1:23:29Shane Gillis:Yeah, that's awesome. Great. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Well, I think we've done it. Dude, thank you all. Yeah, great seeing you. And Matt, when you head back down Austin Way, I'll be on down the floor with these two fellas. Sure. and get Spud Dog in here. Yeah, you guys are going to get to know each other a little better. All true. And he is a delight. I mean, me and Gerwin got along. We golf fucking together. We had a good time. Was that with Phil? Yeah. I was using women's clubs. It wasn't a good time. Yeah, until he got his goad. Yeah. He bumped him twice. I don't know. That's like good, clean fun.

1:24:07Why did you get so upset about that? Because I was drunk. I don't like it. Because I was drunk and I bumped him twice.

1:24:11Shane Gillis:You don't mess around the golf course? That's right. Okay. That makes sense. It's a gentleman's game. I can't. If people are taking golf seriously, I get very mad. Yeah. He's turning into jackass. Bro, I was going fucking like less than. Your cart was playing with your kids. He became a friend. No one was home. O 'Leary. We were having a good time. Yeah, you guys were having a good time. Yeah. The bumps were not hard. They were light bumps. It was definitely not jackass. Fair enough. Admit they were light bumps. They were 100 % light bumps. Did you overreact? No. He became dominant daddy. He did dom me.

1:24:55Yeah, he did. At my own golf outing. It's perfectly okay to say, hey, I don't like this. Boundaries. That's not overreacting. Hold on, hold on. Because you won't stop. If somebody bumped my cart and I turned around and said, hey, I don't like that. Watch it, Buster. What do you think is going to happen? You're getting bumped. Right. So I'm in checkmate immediately. And so all I'm going to do is say, you know what? I'm putting my foot down. This is my thing. I said, Chris, let me out. As soon as he got out of the car, he started staring at me. Chasing him. And then I said, well, how do you defuse this?

1:25:29You can't. No. So I just sort of laid there and took it. It was humiliating. One second. As soon as I saw you, you were like actually sad. I left you alone. I don't think that there was time dilation going on there. Sure. But. Well, I was very annoyed. Yeah, you got mad at me. I got mad at the whole fucking thing. I don't tolerate that. I didn't say tolerate. I don't know what I said. I said, hey, don't bump me. He said, I'm not on your level. That was what he did say. I'm not on your level right now. I don't feel like dealing with this. I'm not dealing with this. I'm not on your level right now.

1:26:00Oh, that's a great thing to say. Clear boundary set. Yeah. Why did you take it so bad? Gerber was unreal. He took it so bad. You got in the car and went. My mom was like, come say hi to people. And you're like, absolutely not How many people am I saying hi to? A lot of people, you gotta say hi to a lot of people It's a fucking Down Syndrome charity It's a charity event for Down Syndrome I thought that I thought we were done with the Obligation of Doing the charity Next time You're fine You shouldn't feel bad You did exactly what You would do No one was like, what the fuck I'll go back Phil was like where the fuck is Gerben I was like he went home and that was it He's tired he got bumped He got bumped twice He got bumped twice 17th All the way down 17 Turned out 18 All the way up 18 It was funny Corporate outings It was funny when I was playing Flight of the Valkyries On the Bluetooth while chasing it That is jackass Sure.

1:27:08It was great. You got a mad dog and bump him back as hard as I go crazy. He was the VC. I was in a helicopter playing Fortunate Songs. He hit the deck, dude. I hated it. But your dad was a blast. Yeah, he's awesome. Yeah. Thank you, man. Chris was reminding us of one of his lines because Billy's backswing was really quick. And Billy was just like joking with him like, I missed that because you were talking to my backswing. and your dad's like, I had to be an auctioneer to talk into your backswing. I heard you were out in front of the whole group. You didn't want to play basketball? No, I didn't even know what we were doing.

1:27:47Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I figured it out. First, he was just going his own way. Yeah, and everyone just followed me. They were like, don't do that. I said, why? Just... And I didn't understand the rules, yeah. But we got it. There you go. Who wants? We're doing another... Who wants? There's another event your sister's got coming up. I don't even know. Okay. We'll do one. Yeah, we're doing it. We'll get you out there. I'm gonna be there if you get if you get bumped You know what the problem is I can't go to war with you. Yeah, you can No, I can you have you have you have the ultimate weapon, which is you can make me feel very bad No, I can't you can you make me feel sad not in the moment when you get hurt.

1:28:23I feel sad So I had to get physically hurt. No not physically. I just emotionally you've never been physically hurt, but why was very gentle with your penis? I completely agree with that I would never ball tap you we've always said that nobody is better at handling a dick and nuts I got a book on it he comes first so that is his follow up he comes next he comes next oh it's a real follow up it's a real follow up I ordered it and it's not worth it

1:29:08Shane Gillis:I'm going to write He Comes Fast. Go author or no? He wrote the book by himself? Apparently. I mean, that'd be such an easy book to write. I could write a fucking tome on what I'd like.

1:29:23It checks out. Yep. Makes a lot of sense. What's the cover art? I'm not going to name the author. It was a Jewish author.

1:29:33Shane Gillis:You guys hate Jewish sex, dude. It's crazy. Stay out of the Jewish bedroom. Jewish bedroom is intense, dude. That's what the butt plug rabbi says. Stay out of the Jewish bedroom. Pierce, you're obsessed with the Jewish bedroom. Click the old early life on the Wikipedia. Where is he from? Brooklyn. He's also Jewish. Thank you. They don't do that to any other religion. I rarely do that to any religion in the early life on any like famous person if you click it if they're Jewish it's immediate like almost like his grandparents were one quarter Jew yeah it's the fucking Gestapo on that thing it's crazy the ADL fucking I think they do shit on Wikipedia like they scour that shit and they're adding yes they're getting numbers I mean anyone who rules like he was Jewish.

1:30:31Hey. He's claiming dogs. Hold on. Do you have a Wikipedia? No. Yes, you do. You have to have a Wikipedia. Oh, I do.

1:30:37Shane Gillis:You don't even know. Yeah. I mean, you don't put your own Wikipedia up. You should. Yeah, you should really. I don't know if you can edit them anymore, though. I don't know. You don't have it. Oh, whatever this fucking thing is. What is that? Personal life. The condition was aggravated by... I don't want to be here if we're googling me

1:31:02What the fuck is wiki tia no clue i mean it's probably something to steal your data Got me no you don't have a wikipedia damn yeah get one german early you're gonna get one after this Half Jewish. Early life. Nothing else. Early life. Jewish. So true, though. Everything. I've never seen it. Very funny. It's rare. You just start editing them in their early life. Just put yes. Yes. Turns out, yes.

1:31:33Shane Gillis:Changed his name when he was 15. Kirby's. You're wild, man. You're going to see him tomorrow. I can't wait. He's balling out this season. I can't wait. It's so much fun. It is fun. I kind of sucked. I kind of sucked. You did not suck. You're out of your mind. The second half I sucked. What do you mean? Fish. We get a lot of scenes after lunch, dude, and it's just. That's tough. What do you eat for lunch? Cobb salad. Yeah, he's having salad. It's light. Yeah. Something light. It's just. It's just you're tired. You get tired. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, everyone's tired. Second half. No, it's exhausting.

1:32:09And then we have catering ladies bring around. It's fucking insane, dude. They bring a tray of fucking Wendy's burgers yesterday. Son of a baker. Just like an hour after lunch. Just like we got to eat cheeseburgers.

1:32:19Shane Gillis:I remember last time they brought a giant thing of soup and just gave everyone like a thick cream. Delicious soup. Yeah, it was nuts. You should let me doge that shit. Cut all that out. Save as much money as possible. True. Get people hungry. Just get taquitos from 7-Eleven. 15. If you want them, take them. They're so good, bro. Yeah, they are. I haven't. Taquitos? I haven't got them in a long time. 15 years, but every single time I'm at the register about to buy some Zinz, I go, you and me used to have something. There she is. That was always blackout clues. I'd wake up and go. Every single time.

1:32:537-Eleven in Westchester. I'd go in there. I'd get like a dozen 7-Eleven wings. Yes. Threw up every single time.

1:33:01Shane Gillis:It's just crazy. All right. Well, that's a good one. We got an hour and a half. The cam state. Yeah. Hopefully that works. Sorry, Bill. Thank you very much. Sorry. Nothing to be sorry, but see this is their defense against me for real You hurt my feelings you can't and then I genuinely feel bad You feel the liver. Yeah, so bad for you, dude. I didn't mean to make funny like that liver King stories already It's already you know, I got a watch We're getting with the Whataburger with this family. He's got crazy meal Look it up. We're King and we'll touch my fucking fuck up with a liver King water, but it's fucking amazing I will he teaches his head

1:33:43You should go on Rogan, dude. Yeah, I should fucking kill myself. Get that right away. Dude, did you see Leverking went to Whataburger with his family and got a crazy fucking meal? I was just trying to get things going. You're talking about Spott the whole time. You're talking about Spott the whole time. That was the thing. It bites me here and it doesn't. The Gooners round table. If the Leverking comes after you and I'm around. Oh, yeah. I'll do the thing. Why are you talking like this, dude? He's tighter than a crab's ass. You see him fucking running around, he's got no movement. That's what I was saying.

1:34:20All fours behind him, and then you push, and then jump on top of him. Do you think you're going to sneak up on the king? Dude, pull his beard. You best not missed. Yeah, that would be the problem he's missing. You think you're going to yank on the... Pull his beard. You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't pull on the liver king's beard, dude. I can tell you that. That'd be easy as fuck You think you're gonna fucking hit him with like Three Stooges He kicks his dogs He kicks the fuck out of his dog Everyone got pissed at him But he went into caravan to Austin They got arrested I'll call fucking cops on Liver King That's how you deal with his ass Crawling in the hallways At the Four Seasons Can you imagine if you open your door I was like shit Oh man I want nothing but peace with the Liver King for real We got to unite the Kings.

1:35:10Just for the record, dude. Warmud versus Liver Kings, nice. Spud's not going to agree with you. What? Spud's not going to be happy you signed him up for this. He's got family, dude. 3.0, good and true. He's still lying. Oh, my God. This is 100 % going to get to him. I don't fucking care, dude. If I were you, I'd be so nervous. I'm not nervous, man. I pray for him.

1:35:33Shane Gillis:I pray for him. True. He's going through it. He's going through a tough time. True. Scared? Go to church. I'm genuinely scared. Yes. Brian Johnson wants to do that. Not the live forever Brian Johnson. The other Brian Johnson. The guy to be afraid of is the fucking Brian Johnson who lives forever. Guy's trying to be like fucking 250. Oh, that fucking guy? Translucent. True. That guy is scary. He's just transing into Gerben. There's a guy out there that he's 60. He's transing into you. He's becoming a Jewish man. Is that right? Did he see the 23 of me or is that fake? No, what? Someone swabbed their bearded dragon 23 of me and sent it in and came back Ashkenazi Jew.

1:36:19Oh my goodness. Dude. That's not true. Look it up. Took the bearded dragon's early life on Wikipedia. Jewish. Brian Johnson is just trying to become a reptile.

1:36:36Where'd you see that? Look it up. I don't fucking know

1:36:39Shane Gillis:nothing matters 23 million after the liver king meal I just looked at it I was like god that would be funny we gotta fact check that I don't care it's just exposing total fraud dude it has nothing to do with the actual result but the actual result was Ashkenazi Joe 51 % Ashkenazi Joe Jesus his bat lizard is 48 % West Asian and 51 % Ashkenazi Jew. Dude. Could have been anti-ethnicity. It came back that. Even if it's fraud, it's still funny. It's funny as hell. Obviously, it's hilarious. It's so fucking funny. Brian Johnson is going to eventually start eating bugs and sitting under a lamp. Try to over topple regimes.

1:37:28Hey. Hey. Hey. That's all we got. Hey, like a bus driver. It's a dickhead kid. Get off.

1:37:39Shane Gillis:Hey. You got to sit up front now. I had to sit up front for half a year. I believe it, dude. I was crawling under the seats in the bus. I believe that. Getting dirty as shit first thing in the morning. You ever do that? Yeah, I'd crawl under there. It is nice. I didn't mind that. You get to the wheel well, and then you go, oh. Yep, stop. You just were under seat bus. I clocked a full year in front of the bus. As soon as I walked on, bus driver looked at me and my cousin was like, up here. Matt and Pat get to the front you had the vibe we used to sit hide behind the seat as soon as she looked up in the mirror and she was like enough I don't know what you're doing how about under the bleachers at a high school game you ever get under there?

1:38:20it's good stuff down there

1:38:21Shane Gillis:I think I shipped Tennessee under there one time that's crazy that was good my sister's basketball games I'd run under there that's fun stuff That is fun. Reach up, grab someone's ankles. That's good stuff. All right. We've done enough. We did. We did. We did. Thank you, guys. Love you guys. Yeah, yeah. I love you. Thank you. I love you. I miss you. Nothing but love. Miss you, too. Goodbye, everybody. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.

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