Ep 600 - Hedonic Treadmill (feat. Joe List & Steve Rannazzisi)

5:05Shane Gillis:I feel like princes should get their hands chopped off instead of going to jail. It's something unfitting about a prince in common jail.

5:12Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah. Cut their dicks off.

5:14Shane Gillis:Dicks would be nice. Dicks off.

5:15Steve Rannazzisi:eunuch making him a eunuch. I didn't follow too close.

5:18Shane Gillis:He fucked

5:19Steve Rannazzisi:kids, right? He's like one of the...

5:22Shane Gillis:Top suspect. I think he's like top suspect.

5:25Steve Rannazzisi:There's pictures, email. There's like not a thing that they found that didn't have his fingerprints all over it.

5:30Shane Gillis:And the royal family stripped him of his titles, which leads me to believe that they can probably see the unredacted stuff.

5:36Steve Rannazzisi:Wow.

5:37Shane Gillis:So yeah, they did it before that. They stripped him of all of his like princely Duke status or whatever.

5:42Steve Rannazzisi:Is there still a way he could become king? Like lineage-wise. You know what I'm saying? If his brother dies, then is he the king or is the oldest son the king? I don't know.

5:55Shane Gillis:That's a great question.

5:56Steve Rannazzisi:Because now you've got to start looking for he's going to kill his brother. He's like, I'm going to go to jail for pedophilia

6:02Matt McCusker:or I kill my brother and I'm the king and this whole fucking thing goes away. That's not a bad idea, actually. That's his only play right now. That's his movie. That's a movie for him. That's his move, though. He has to kill his brother.

6:13Steve Rannazzisi:Unless he knows it goes... Otherwise, he's got to kill his brother. and then his nephew.

6:18Shane Gillis:And then fire a cannon at the citizens. That'd be the last thing when they stormed the castle. He'd have to fire upon them to calm them down.

6:23Matt McCusker:Why not? And draw little dicks on him. Do you fuck boys or girls? Girls, I think. Oh, okay. That's not so bad. At least he's not fucking queer. He's not a queer king. Jeez. We don't need no queer king. That's the big whoop. I guess, yeah.

6:39Shane Gillis:I think those guys, too, when you're that wealthy, prostitutes are just porn for you. Right. So it's like you don't watch like Pornhub probably. You probably just get hookers and then you get sick of those kind of hookers. They do like porn genres in real life. Yeah.

6:52Steve Rannazzisi:Although I think OnlyFans probably would have been his favorite thing if he had not because you can get very specific on that. Yeah. And so therefore he'd be like, all right, I can kind of scratch this itch really well with what I'm finding here. Maybe I don't need to go out to the real world and fucking do horrible things to, you know, real people. But I think it's the hedonic treadmill, if I may.

7:13Matt McCusker:It's just you. What's it?

7:14Steve Rannazzisi:I don't even know what that means.

7:15Matt McCusker:Well, Joe, please, Joe, enlighten us.

7:19Joe List:Well, you know, you get used to stuff. So, like, you buy a big house, and you're like, I finally got this big. You have a huge house, a beautiful house. Probably every once in a while, you're like, but I could use a fucking screening room. Yeah, I need a golf simulator room. You're going to keep getting all the stuff. And so that's the same with sex, I think.

7:34Shane Gillis:Yeah, you get a butler, and you go, butler's nice, but I wish I kind of could have this guy forever. Yeah, I wish I had a boy. Yeah, I want a whole fucking... Well, there's a knife. Yeah.

7:43Joe List:Nice. But what about a, you know, a guy I could have? There's no satisfaction. I mean, even in my marriage, every time we have sex, now I'm like, pretend I'm my Uncle Doug. Yeah. Yeah.

7:53Matt McCusker:Cranking it up a little bit. Yeah. Taking it up a little bit.

7:56Shane Gillis:That's probably due to like EEG habituation, actually. Your brain waves. Well. I'm learning. Dude, this is great for me. We're fucking slamming you. I'm like, learning about treadmills and EEGs. Well, your brain waves just, like, they get used to, like, if you see, like, say the first time you see a naked lady you're like like it's like that your brain waves go dopamine yeah over time they just kind of come down to like whatever yeah so you got to constantly not me

8:18Matt McCusker:i still see a naked lady i'm like fired up dude right there oh hey now i look at that

8:25Shane Gillis:i love it i love it true but like as fired up as like a 14 year old boy no i got two sons that

8:30Matt McCusker:are like if they saw a naked lady it's like it's over i gotta go to my room i gotta take a shower

8:36Joe List:Well, it's crazy when you're like 14, you can just get a heart on sitting thinking. You don't even look at anything. I can just be like.

8:43Steve Rannazzisi:But it's crazy to me this generation. My son's 17 and 13. They never wear jeans anymore. They always wear sweatpants. So, I mean, like boners and sweatpants are the most embarrassing things for me growing up. You'd have to tuck it under the band. Like jeans, you had a little more thickness. You can hide it. But like now it's like.

9:02Shane Gillis:No, yeah. I went to Catholic school. We had like one day out of the week, we had to wear our gym uniforms. Yeah. Me too. It was just, you would get hard in class and it was just. Yeah. You're like, fuck dude.

9:10Steve Rannazzisi:This is just, these sweatpants are not, not doing it.

9:13Shane Gillis:Yeah. And I would get hard, like clockwork before recess. Recess was like 10, 23 at like 10, 18. I would get a rager every time. We started recording it right around 10, 23. I don't know. I turned 40. So I like my boner, I got to like really budget my boners now. Oh really? Yeah. I can't be wasting them on like jerking off anymore. I got to save them up. I feel similarly. Similar? Yeah. I'm still a little bit of an animal. I don't know why. Dude, it just came for me, man. I was... Maybe it'll happen. So confident. I could get bricked up, no problem. Now, I'll get bricked up, but I can't be out here fapping.

9:46Shane Gillis:I got to save it all up every weekend.

9:49Joe List:I save up, too, because my wife and I, we have sex pretty frequently. So when I go on the road now, I don't jerk off.

9:54Steve Rannazzisi:So I can really... I've done that a couple weekends, too. It feels good when you come home. Dude, yeah. You're like, wow. It feels amazing.

9:59Shane Gillis:And there's something about leaving a hotel room and not having this, like, disgusting crystallized towel for the staff to deal with. I know. When you leave a room clean, you're like, dude, I'm, you know. Unfortunately, this is not one of those weekends for me.

10:11Steve Rannazzisi:This is in my room. You're not even in a hotel. Yeah, I'm in a condo, dude. I'm in a condo that someone else, Andrew Dice Clay, is going to stay in next weekend, you know? Dude, who knows? But yeah, I try. You feel good when you come home and you don't. Yeah. You feel like a real, like I provided. I went out. I made money. I kept clean. I kept all everything inside of me and I'm gonna give it all to you right now that's what it's all about and supposedly that's beautiful

10:36Joe List:and retention is healthy that's what I've heard it's one of these

10:39Steve Rannazzisi:alternative

10:40Shane Gillis:yeah I always hear it is but then you always hear

10:42Steve Rannazzisi:you have to come like 30 times a month for prostate purposes I know that's the fucking

10:47Shane Gillis:that's the problem Jesus yeah yeah they say you gotta do it they say like if you don't do it enough well if you don't if you don't retain they say you just like drain all of your like you know minerals out of your body because apparently semen is like very nutrient dense and you have to keep that in that's what they say but then they're like or drink it yeah yeah yeah yeah or yeah just recycle it but they uh they said that if you then if you don't come enough you get prostate cancer they're saying so yeah i don't know man i i am i don't know what to

11:13Steve Rannazzisi:do yeah i haven't got any of that stuff checked yet i'm and i should you're going to supposed to get a colonoscopy on thursday really yes my first one but i'm how old are you 49 i'll be 49 in july

11:24Shane Gillis:whoa i thought you're supposed to get them earlier yeah i know you've been holding it off yeah and

11:29Steve Rannazzisi:And now everybody's dying. Eric Dane died and the other guy, James Van Der Beek died. So I'm like, this has got to get done.

11:34Shane Gillis:And that's an easy one to treat, apparently. Yeah, you got to go. Pour a little out for old JVB.

11:44Shane Gillis:This episode is brought to you by Grubhub. Let's just riff for a second about the joy of ordering takeout and the heartbreak of realizing at checkout how expensive delivery and service fees have gotten. and honestly, I, you know, this is a personal issue for me. I'm pretty passionate about this. The average fee on an order over$50 across delivery apps is about$13. You order$50 worth of Grub. It's you and your boys. You go, I'll spring, I'll spring a grant on the food. I'll spring 50 bucks. No big deal. You order, you go, huh? $63. Well, guys, guess what? Grubhub is changing the game by eating the delivery and service fees on restaurant orders over$50.

12:24Shane Gillis:And no, this isn't a short-term promotion. It's something they plan to offer for the long haul. No gimmicks, just more of the food that diners love without fees that turn bigger orders into bigger costs. By removing delivery and service fees on those orders, Grubhub is putting money back where it belongs, which is under your sweaty buttcheeks in your wallet, helping diners like you save millions annually without changing a single step at takeout. Get no delivery or service fees on restaurant orders over$50 when you order on Grubhub. Visit Grubhub for more details.

12:57Joe List:No, I should go. My grandmother had it, and I eat nothing but, like, French fries and burgers and shit. I used to get colonics. What's that?

13:04Steve Rannazzisi:They stick a tube up your ass. It's, like, the same thing as a—and they shoot water up there, and it cleans out. You see the other stuff come out, like French fries and shit like that.

13:13Shane Gillis:How does that work, though? Is that, like, the same way when you clean a fish tank that you create, like, a vacuum?

13:16Steve Rannazzisi:Yep, exactly. So what they do is, like, you literally—it's, like, two tubes going in, and then one pushes the water, and the other one shoots it out. I don't know that this is healthy. It was happening all the time in the early 2000s. Everybody was getting colonics to lose weight. Yeah. Yeah.

13:35Shane Gillis:Apparently there's a bunch of just like shit inside.

13:38Steve Rannazzisi:There was like full half-eaten french fries, which would come down. I swear to God. Like stuff that you could see what it was, the food that you ate. Wow. It was disgusting.

13:48Shane Gillis:It only turned into like probiotics though. Yes.

13:50Steve Rannazzisi:And then you got to eat probiotics. You take pills. because there's good bacteria and bad.

13:55Shane Gillis:Do you feel – I know people who did it. I always assumed it was kink.

13:59Steve Rannazzisi:No. I thought it was just kink. No, no. I don't think so. People would tell me I was going to die if I didn't get it. Yeah, I know. They were like, you eat terribly. You should definitely get the – I was hanging out with a lot of actors then, so they were all getting colonics. Right. No comedian friends of mine got colonics.

14:14Joe List:But now it's like fasting is like the new colonic. Oh, like – You flush it out 48 hours. 48 hours. Crap. Yeah. Have you ever done anything like that? I've done 24 hours for fun, like as a gag, like 10 years ago. But now Luis Gomez is a guy that's like, sorry, he's like eating every other day, which to me is like an eating disorder. People are like, I eat three times a week. I'm like, yeah, you have an eating disorder.

14:42Shane Gillis:Yes. I mean, you know. You feel good, though. I did a four-day fast one time. Four days? Four days, yeah. For what purposes? Just it was like me and my brothers and cousins had a group text, so we just all see who go the furthest. So my brother didn't drink water for, I think, 72 hours. He said his vision just got blurry. He's like, I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to die. Wait, but you're supposed to drink water, right, during a fast? There's a whole other thing called dry fasting where they're saying if you don't put any water in your system, you can do it for like two days, and your body just like, I don't know, flushes shit out.

15:16Shane Gillis:I don't know how it works. Really?

15:17Steve Rannazzisi:I thought you'd just become like dehydrated and hallucinated.

15:20Shane Gillis:I did one day. It was no problem. I did four days. I would say two is a sweet spot. By the fourth day, you just feel like decrepit. But I was like working out and stuff fasted. And like you really don't need as much food as I think people say.

15:32Steve Rannazzisi:I could drink lemonade for three days in a row. Just lemonade. That would count.

15:36Matt McCusker:I've done that.

15:37Steve Rannazzisi:I think I've done that before with no water in between. Just straight lemonade for three days.

15:40Shane Gillis:That would count.

15:41Joe List:Did you see the Seinfeld Epstein email? No way. It was like, I believe, I don't know if you can look it up. It was like Jerry and Jessica coming over. but they want lemonade. And I believe lemonade was in quotes. I could be wrong about that. But it definitely said they need lemonade. Really? Yeah.

15:57Steve Rannazzisi:I didn't know he was in it too.

15:59Joe List:Yeah. Well, he wants to get pissed on, I think. Lemonade. Oh, my God. I don't know. That's one thing I saw.

16:05Matt McCusker:I don't know. I'm not even one of these guys. Jerry! That's what I saw. No, that's... But... I mean... The name is tough. That would be amazing. Also, why would you air quote the secret term, though? Because he doesn't... I mean, it's Jerry Seinfeld. Who wants... But I don't think he was sending it. Did you find it?

16:19Shane Gillis:yes it says jerry and jessica seinfeld are going to be sailing can i organize for them to come to the island for lemonade it is lemonade quotes all right i made it to quotes okay maybe jerry just doesn't drink and he's like all right he'll have lemonade yeah that's fair that's totally fair

16:37Matt McCusker:yeah you want some lemonade pedophile you know thirsty

16:43Steve Rannazzisi:i know this guy must have had the greatest shit though like boats and like planes that's what you have to go with now if that's your only connection kids too? you gotta steer away from anything that's cool about kids he had a great plane, he had the best boats the question is

17:02Shane Gillis:when was the email sent? there's the pre-conviction there's the post-conviction

17:07Steve Rannazzisi:there are people like the guy oh that's 2009 was the conviction I think or 8

17:15Shane Gillis:8?

17:16Steve Rannazzisi:2008 yeah Yeah, and there's plenty of guys that are going back and forth after that.

17:22Shane Gillis:Yeah. Plenty. Because I think the conviction was sealed. They did like a sealed thing so like everyone named in the case, it was like buried, and he just got like, you know, soliciting an underage prostitute.

17:33Steve Rannazzisi:Did he do time? Did he go to jail? I thought I saw a mugshot.

17:36Shane Gillis:I think he just did house arrest. That's why he was stuck in New York City. Wow. And that's when people started like still coming. Bill Gates went and got, you know, fundraised from Jeffrey Epstein. That was the weird one when it was like, I was just looking for money. So, dude, you're a billionaire. Why would you need to talk to a pedophile about money? Like, why? I know. But who knows? That's the other thing, too, though. The flip side of this is people just being like, yeah, that guy's clearly a pedophile now. He's in the email. Pedophile. That's it. It must be. There's something kind of fucked up about that, honestly.

18:05Joe List:Yeah. No, it's not good. I mean, I'm friends with a lot of people that do a lot of things. I'm not really those things. Yeah. You can be friends. I'm not going to name names.

18:13Matt McCusker:Yeah.

18:14Steve Rannazzisi:we all have friends that have done horrible things yeah yeah but i don't know man would you

18:19Shane Gillis:would you if someone was a convicted pedophile would you still well i mean i know in a very

18:23Matt McCusker:i don't want to i mean oh boy just mark the time stamp now just in case yeah we're not live right

18:30Steve Rannazzisi:text later but like reap is in trouble john reap's in big trouble dude really oh yes dude he's going like he's on house arrest now i think but like he was a good friend and like we hung out and you But that's fair, that's before. And so, but yes, yes, of course. The question is now. No, I did not Facebook message him after the...

18:51Shane Gillis:Not gonna visit for lemonade?

18:52Steve Rannazzisi:No, no, I wanna go... Bro, let me come over for a glass of that cold, cold lemonade. You know you make it the...

18:58Joe List:But what I wanted to tell you is that my wife is a very good study. Semesterbeitrag, laptop, books, software, phone, internet. So a master is really expensive.

19:06Matt McCusker:Oh, tell her, she can get it back.

19:08Joe List:Yeah, you mean from the tax credit, right? But she doesn't pay.

19:11Matt McCusker:No matter what the name is, a loss of a contract.

19:14Joe List:Make it very simple with Visa Steuer. And if she works then, it's KACHING! That's it? Safe! Visa Steuer!

19:21Matt McCusker:Get your money back! Now to try it out.

19:24Shane Gillis:No, because I've been paranoid about it. Because I don't think I've sent any horny emails to anybody. But now I'm like, bro, if I send one to a pedophile... Wow.

19:32Matt McCusker:Yeah.

19:33Shane Gillis:I'm done. Kissing goodbye. And you know they're gonna flip on you, dude.

19:36Joe List:Kissing this goodbye. All this. Kiss all this decadence goodbye.

19:41Steve Rannazzisi:they'll flip on you too dude you know if they get in trouble they'll be like yeah the pedo is gonna be like well i talk to mccusker a lot dude that fucking shit he did where he sent himself he

19:50Shane Gillis:would send himself emails to cover their own really incriminating shit about other people yeah yeah oh smart about it i mean but it's also like why does it

20:02Steve Rannazzisi:maybe we should change the topic i think it's cool dude i think it's fine I think those are just allegations.

20:10Matt McCusker:Not necessarily true. That's a wrap. We got to be careful about who we. That was crazy. Who we blaspheme on this podcast.

20:17Shane Gillis:I know, man. That was. Yeah, it's got it's got everyone. You know, it's a craze right now. It's like McCarthyism, but just pedophiles. Yeah. Everyone's trying to figure out who's a pedophile right now.

20:26Joe List:Well, that was Metzger came in last night. Oh, gave me the day. I asked him a question of the night.

20:31Steve Rannazzisi:One question I said is was Nick Fuentes the head of the Proud Boys? and he was like no then he broke it all I was like I sent them down some sort of spiral that he was like what are you an idiot like I and he explained everything I don't understand a thing

20:46Matt McCusker:he's talking about you can do a good 45 minute talk yes and not and like Brazilian jujitsu you

20:52Shane Gillis:verbally like you're like you're like I gotta try to yeah or the worst squeeze out you know about like the medieval papal conspiracies right and I'm like no no yeah right away okay well here's 30

21:02Steve Rannazzisi:seconds on that before i get into the next thing you don't understand you're like what are you talking about but i love him but it's like is the worst when he i feel like i disappoint him he's like you fucking you don't know about that but now i feel like dude he's right he's been talking about yeah he's been trying to get someone to listen to this and now he's you know a lot of the shit's right yeah i don't know about the eating children now he's still on the eating children yes that's yeah i'm not sure he tried to get me into that and i was like i can't do the eating. What's the proof? What's the proof that they did?

21:33Matt McCusker:Really, do children do you think they would taste good? Well, if you look at it, veal tastes good.

21:39Shane Gillis:Every baby animal is the best tasting version of that animal.

21:42Steve Rannazzisi:I wish you didn't make the best point I've ever heard.

21:45Shane Gillis:That was the worst.

21:47Steve Rannazzisi:I'm trying to go down the road of like if you're going to eat, eat another big person. Like another cannibalism.

21:52Shane Gillis:This thought disturbed me very badly. The other night I was laying awake and I was thinking about lamb. I like eating lamb. I do love lamb. I'm like, why is it so dense? It's a baby, but it's so delicious. Yeah. Babies are the most delicious animals you can eat. Just caviar. Isn't that fish eggs? It's an egg, yeah. The baby, the tiniest. The tiniest of all the babies. And they're the most expensive.

22:12Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, dude, and they're the best.

22:13Joe List:I happen to have a two-year-old at my rental house right now. Do you guys want to fire up the grill? Let's see how this thing tastes.

22:20Shane Gillis:Ooh, this baby is delicious. Or you could eat the meat of like a warrior's thigh for like religious purposes. Yeah, that, you know. You know. That feels like. After you rip his heart down and throw it down the steps, you could eat a small sliver of his thigh.

22:32Steve Rannazzisi:But you know what, though? The eating of the babies makes so much more sense now because, like, progressives are, like, supposed to be, like, poshy people, and it seems I could just see them all slicing up a little piece and just tasting it and being like, mmm, delicious, you know?

22:47Shane Gillis:Locking into MyFitnessPal. Yeah, like. That's how they probably got caught. They're probably trying to upload the macros.

22:54Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, like how many calories are in a baby's thumb. You know, whatever you're eating.

23:00Shane Gillis:You think they suck the baby's thumb for a little bit? Oh, God, man.

23:03Steve Rannazzisi:I mean, it's terrible. But I never until you said the thing about how great little things taste. Yeah.

23:09Shane Gillis:Well, there's also the whole adrenochrome thing and like stem cell. Babies have a lot of stem cells. There could be like health.

23:15Steve Rannazzisi:I can't get on board with it.

23:17Matt McCusker:I cannot believe it. I'm not. I'm not. It seems like you're trying to convince me. No. Well, that makes more sense. If you're killing a baby for the stem cells to refurbish yourself or whatever.

23:26Joe List:Yeah. Keep yourself. And you're like, we might as well eat it. Yeah, why waste it? The motivation is the stem cell and then eating it is sort of like its own.

23:33Matt McCusker:I saw a video and they said they would impregnate ladies and have them get abortion and they would eat the fetuses for all the stem cells so they can stay young. Wow.

23:47Matt McCusker:Wow. It's like a picture of a baby.

23:49Steve Rannazzisi:Unredacted?

23:50Matt McCusker:I mean, the senders and recipients are redacted, but there's like.

23:54Steve Rannazzisi:Why are those people redacted?

23:56Matt McCusker:Yeah, that's insane. Those are the people. It's supposed to be the victims, but for some reason, it's the...

24:01Shane Gillis:The people that ate the baby. We're seeing a lot of laws in doing that, apparently, according to Nick Bryan. Yeah. I can see that. Well, the million-dollar question is, if they get busted doing hard, satanic symbology, then that leads to maybe they were eating babies for ritual stuff. But if you look at the... There was a weird temple on the island, so it's like, why would you put that on there? Yeah.

24:25Steve Rannazzisi:Does this end? Is it over now? Or you think it's like underground now? Like they have to go really underground?

24:31Shane Gillis:I mean, it's billionaires, man. Billionaires have so much money. It's like that's, you know, that's one place. They can probably be like, all right, let's switch it up. But I don't, again, I'm with you. I don't know if they're eating babies. I don't want people, I don't know, I think like to assume like, yeah, I knew they were eating babies.

24:45Steve Rannazzisi:The problem is that like they were right about some of the stuff that we were like, no way, dude. And now it's like they're trying to get us over that baby eating bridge. And I don't know. I'm not.

24:55Shane Gillis:I mean, they practice cannibalism still in different parts of the world. So if you're like a global citizen like these guys were, that's why the age of consent is not a real thing to them. It's not shocking to them. Yeah, because they're going, dude, I can just fly to Thailand and do this. So like if I have my own island and I'm going back and forth to Thailand, I might as well just be a pederast on my island.

25:13Joe List:I got to figure out how to make more money. I know.

25:15Matt McCusker:I got to get my punch up live type thing. I got to get that thing chock full of dates.

25:21Shane Gillis:More crowd work. You got to crowd work it up. You got to crowd work it up, dude.

25:24Steve Rannazzisi:get some vids out there.

25:25Shane Gillis:You're going to dine on a baby. I think that's dying, though. I think the crowd work's dying. I think so.

25:28Joe List:It feels like it. Really?

25:29Shane Gillis:I think so. Yeah. What's the new wave, though? That's the question. Props. Props. Props. Prop comedy clips will be nice.

25:39Steve Rannazzisi:I've been doing the Sora. You know that the 3D, I mean the AI, like you could make yourself do anything. I've been using that as promo. That's like, and people hate it because they're like using AI or whatever. But they're easy. They're fun. They're stupid. and you can literally put yourself in any situation in the world. Yeah. It's sick. You could eat a baby. Yeah, true. I mean, maybe not. No, sometimes one time I was like, I was going to do a joke about my son wants abs or whatever, and I was like, maybe I'll animate, see if the joke works. And they were like, no, no, no. No kids shirtless, nothing like that.

26:12Steve Rannazzisi:So there are parameters. Yeah, yeah. Every video I make, I go, make me a ripped 50-year-old man, and it's seamless, dude. I get fooled by it all the time. You do what?

26:23Shane Gillis:Did you do one recently where you were skiing? Yeah. You were jacked? Yeah, I was like, damn, Renazisi's jacked. I get fooled. I'm telling you.

26:28Steve Rannazzisi:I get fooled every time I see those things. I'm like. I know. I get family members being like, are you on TRT? What are you doing? People think it's real. It's so fucking, it's amazing. I've seen the one where you can make two people kiss.

26:39Joe List:Yeah. I did that at Skankfest and I thought that was real. Yeah. It was like Aaron Berg and Lev Furrier. You can make them kiss. Yeah. And they were just making out and I was like, what are you guys doing? Yeah. They're like, ah, it's Skankfest. and i was like jesus that's crazy and then you realize the real you comes out i'm like i'm not

26:57Shane Gillis:into this yeah that's not me uh yeah dude me and uh me and la mer were in uh what was it salt lake city in boise idaho this weekend and we you know i think we're in boise we're walking and we passed this bank called zion bank we're just joking with each other like i wonder who owns you know that establishment just having a good laugh innocent laugh with each other and as we turn the corner they were surrounded by Palestinian protesters. And I was like, damn, that must have sucked. If you were a Jewish banker, because it was literally Friday, like 6 p.m., weeks finally over, TGIF. And you come out to your mortal enemies.

27:35Shane Gillis:Yeah, right there. That would fucking suck. I know. I was just thinking about that. I was like, damn, that would stink, man. On a Friday, yeah. Yeah, you're just a Jewish banker. Yeah, like, damn it. Yeah, they're just holding up fucking big billboards. What were they there for? Protesting.

27:51Matt McCusker:Protesting? Yeah. Just the country? Is it real?

27:55Shane Gillis:I didn't ask. I was like, this is none of my business. What are you guys into? What's your real beef? Break it down for me. I had a show to do, man. It was none of my business. But I walked past. I was like, damn, this does not seem... It doesn't seem like a pleasant thing to walk out to.

28:07Steve Rannazzisi:No, that would be a bummer. Yeah. It also... Yeah. A banker. I walked around when the whole thing was going on. And originally with October 7th with Ari. We were on a tour. We went to some colleges and they were protesting there. Oh, and he would just walk around and fuck with people. Just like he was very he didn't take it obviously seriously. But like I felt bad. I was like, dude, we shouldn't be here right now. Like you're like, like they're like they're swastikas around. Like they're like they were getting hardcore. Damn. Yeah. And he was, you know, he you know, Ari. But like I was I was like, oof, this is this feels horrific.

28:42Steve Rannazzisi:They were swastikas on the I mean, they were like, yeah, I mean, they went all the way, dude. Yeah. Were they the college kids or were they just like college kids and then like, you know, sort of like whatever the people that come to protest with them or whatever? Yeah. But yeah, it was like, dang, I know they're rocking.

28:56Shane Gillis:I know that it was that bad.

28:57Joe List:Oh, it was horrible, dude.

28:58Shane Gillis:I went to one time.

29:00Joe List:Remember Michael Sam, the football player in Missouri? Yeah. The first gay guy. I was in, where's Mizzou? Columbia or Columbus? I always forget. Oh, the college? Columbia, Columbia, Missouri. So I was doing the club in Columbia. and this was like right at his time and the Westboro Baptist Church people which I had never heard of the Westboro Baptist that's the, am I saying that right? Yeah. I thought these were just like community people but they were all protesting and it was like go home homo and all this stuff. Yeah. And you know I was a good progressive guy. I was like fucking, I was with Tommy Johnigan and I was like drive by there I'm gonna give him a what's for.

29:36Joe List:And so I was like leaning out the window and I was like fuck you you fucking bigot and I just yelled Hello. I was like you fucking, you fucking Hello. Cocksuckers. Because I couldn't think, that was like the most fucking thing I could think of. But I realized as we buy, I'm like, they probably think I'm on there. It's sorry. I'm like, ah, hello. Hello. I couldn't. Damn it. I was trying to hurt them. Yes. But I'm like, hello. One of us. I don't know if I could say that on this.

30:01Shane Gillis:No, I still, that's like my level 10 angry. If I get very angry, it just flies out of me. Sure. I'm like arguing with strangers, usually from my car. That's unfortunately. It's much better than the N word. Yeah. Yeah. I would like to think so. Yeah.

30:19Shane Gillis:We're the good guys. I would like to think so. You can rattle one of those out of me if you get me angry enough.

30:24Joe List:Yeah, but it was definitely, I remember sitting back in the car and being like, oh, that wasn't great.

30:29Matt McCusker:That's my finest moment right there.

30:31Joe List:But also, I think the West Bar, are they still around, those guys? Yeah, I think they still are.

30:35Shane Gillis:When we lived in Philly, we would see them all the time near where we were living, and we would go down and just kind of watch them do their thing. Those dudes just rip. Yeah, they're fun. They'll start roasting you. If you're standing, they get the sense that you're kind of laughing at them. They'll just zero in on you and be like, fuck you. Nice hat, you piece of shit. They'll come at you. Really?

30:52Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah. They get specific on you? Yeah.

30:55Shane Gillis:Me and Shane were standing there years ago, and he was like, Notre Dame fucking sucks. And he just kept talking. It was literally.

31:00Matt McCusker:Ironically, they're similar to black people. Yeah.

31:03Shane Gillis:They like to roast. They like to rip on people. Look at these pants. You guys got a lot of time. Come on. Why don't you just roast each other? Yeah. That's not bad. We should have them on. We got the podium. You got the podium right here. West Barrow would be nice. I'd like to have West Barrow and whatever it's called and Black Israelite.

31:19Matt McCusker:They'd be good guys. I feel like I'm shaking this thing. It's okay. Yeah. Yeah.

31:24Shane Gillis:I feel like they'd be a nice match because they are essentially the same beings. Like, same thing. Yeah. I mean, they're passionate. Yeah.

31:32Steve Rannazzisi:They're both passionate. Yeah.

31:34Shane Gillis:I would say that. Yeah. They're also like, it's like, it's like, like religious edward. It's like, they're like, that's like to the max.

31:42Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah.

31:42Shane Gillis:Just being like, yeah, I don't accept homosexuality. Then you just scream people. Do they fly together?

31:51Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, they got a jet. That's what I'm wondering. Do they all go? If something happens in Cleveland, do they all fly to Cleveland to protest?

32:00Shane Gillis:No, I think there's local. There's local chapters. Yeah.

32:02Steve Rannazzisi:I've never seen a Westboro chap anywhere I've been.

32:06Shane Gillis:I've never seen black people light on a plane. I think they're foot travel primarily.

32:12Matt McCusker:I think those guys... Foot or...

32:14Shane Gillis:Foot. Foot travel?

32:18Steve Rannazzisi:Or train. They could take a train.

32:19Shane Gillis:I never seen them on a train.

32:21Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, that's true.

32:22Shane Gillis:Yeah, I think... I don't know. That's just the air thing. Okay, I was like, uh-oh. Yeah, we're fine. We're getting an air raid. Changing topic again. Yeah, enough with that.

32:32Steve Rannazzisi:They can travel however they like.

32:34Shane Gillis:Yeah. No, I never... Yeah, those scream political guys are nice. I like them. There's something about them that is kind of fun. And it's just so ridiculous.

32:43Joe List:But it feels like, what's that word? Theater? Like, what's that thing called? That people, like, they do shit out in the street. Performance art. Performance art. It feels like performance art. Or they actually just psyched.

32:56Steve Rannazzisi:That's what I was saying. How into that? Like, if it's not something that really hits them, like, I guess all these issues hit them hard of, like, these gays are getting married or whatever. Yeah. But, like, do they give it their all every time they go? Or is it just sort of they, you know, you phoned it in after a while. Like, this is what we do.

33:10Shane Gillis:It seemed like he was kind of phoning it in a little bit. He was doing the thing, but it didn't seem like he was. You've seen the guys before in Vegas. They're like, you're going to hell. He seemed like he was just kind of like. Dialing it in. Yeah. Just torturing people.

33:21Joe List:You're probably going to hell, but if you don't, that's fine. It's cool. Yeah. This guy's an idiot.

33:25Shane Gillis:Yeah. No, he was definitely, he was ripping. But yeah, dude, we were in Salt Lake this weekend. I didn't know there was a theater that's no alcohol. Oh, yeah. Completely dry theater. It was fun, but I was like, I'd never seen that before.

33:39Steve Rannazzisi:Could you drink?

33:40Shane Gillis:I don't really drink when I just stand up.

33:41Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, but it was like an option if you wanted to or whatever?

33:44Shane Gillis:No, you couldn't.

33:45Steve Rannazzisi:Oh, you couldn't? Not saying to the audience, but like backstage or whatever?

33:48Shane Gillis:I could if I wanted to, but the whole audience, no bar service, nothing. Weird. Yeah. And you didn't know that before? The day I got there. How did they make money?

33:57Steve Rannazzisi:The door. The door, but I mean, you got to get some of that. But I mean, like, where's their concessions? They hurt me. They hurt me bad. But no, it was, you know, I don't know.

34:06Shane Gillis:That's what I was trying to figure out. I'm like, what the fuck? What is this? Popcorn?

34:08Steve Rannazzisi:you know i think they did have so much

34:11Matt McCusker:keep it going the mill run that's crazy no alcohol i don't know i i almost i've been

34:20Shane Gillis:thinking too like i think they i think we should do something now where it's like you know we have rehab but we should have like a almost like an all-inclusive thing for alcoholics to relapse within you know i'm saying like if you're like i'm getting the itch and i can't stop it it's like all right you got to go to it's like the opposite of rehab where you just fucking rage for like a

34:39Joe List:month hey that's not bad it's not a bad idea but they're not out they're like contained you're

34:43Shane Gillis:contained yeah that's pretty good everyone they got you got people that can like pull you put you to sleep but you get to just move for like get it out of your system pretty interesting because

34:51Joe List:there's no no phone you can't text the ex you can't go cheat no it's like uh yeah totally clinical

34:57Shane Gillis:but you would still put like margaritaville okay but yeah yeah you're gonna feel the old feelings You're going to get that old joy back.

35:06Steve Rannazzisi:But wait. Family can come visit you. What is that? You can fucking smack them. What's that last week when you got to weed them back off and get them back into like send them back home into reality? That's going to be, that's the tough part.

35:15Shane Gillis:You could stage like a, like a, you know, like a vehicular mass launch.

35:20Steve Rannazzisi:Oh, like you're outside of fucking Cabo Wabo and all of a sudden three hookers just slit your throat. You're like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. I take it back. I'm good. I'm gonna dial it down start to bring it down no more lines

35:35Joe List:This could be something this could be your ticket to billionaire. Yeah, that would be pretty miss is you're like an expert So yeah, I mean like something of that I can be a what do you call it? Test case a consultant That was like did I just say a crazy word that I didn't know. Everyone stopped.

35:54Shane Gillis:I was like, wait. I was waiting for the word you were going to say.

35:57Joe List:Well, you can keep them right next to

35:59Shane Gillis:rehab. So it's just like, hey, man, A or B. A or B. Just have it out. You get tired, come over here. And then eventually, I think people might be like, man, I'm just going to stay over here.

36:07Steve Rannazzisi:But I think that only works for people who have been sober for a while and then just want to are feeling it again. I don't think to get sober, you just send them back to this is the last stand. This is going to be your last sort of... Yeah, the last ride.

36:22Shane Gillis:Yeah, I guess the beginning guys, you couldn't give them like an all-inclusive. No.

36:24Steve Rannazzisi:Because they're going to be like, we're never leaving. We're taking it over. True. You know, we'll storm. You'd have to limit people.

36:31Shane Gillis:Their insurance will run out. And you'd be like, all right, you're done. It's true. Yeah. Insurance has ran out. Sorry, dude.

36:35Steve Rannazzisi:Your HMO sucks.

36:36Joe List:You got to go.

36:37Shane Gillis:You got to go drink wine in the street.

36:38Joe List:I just like anytime someone's thinking outside the box coming up with new things. So I appreciate the idea.

36:44Shane Gillis:I think it'd be cool.

36:44Joe List:Yeah. That's a good idea.

36:46Shane Gillis:I think there should be gyms at the airport. You got delays. I think RFK is trying to do that. Oh, really? Yeah. He's trying to make the airports healthier. He's trying to change the shitty food. Yeah, but...

36:57Steve Rannazzisi:He beat you to it. We lost already when they put massage places in before they put gyms. If you're going to choose between just laying down and getting a nice massage or taking a nap or going to the gym, I think most people are going to go take that nap.

37:10Shane Gillis:I don't see people hit massages at all in the airport. I've seen the tables. I've seen maybe two people actually get them. Really? Yeah. I see people in there all the time in those little chairs.

37:19Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, I mean, in the afternoon and stuff. Not early mornings, but like in the afternoon.

37:23Joe List:Sometimes it's a long travel day and you're like, I'd like to get some push-ups in, but you look like a fucking psychopath. Even if there was just a real – San Francisco airport has a yoga room, which is something. Yeah. That's just a little bizarre to be doing yoga to me. Yeah. But let me knock on a few push-ups.

37:36Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, if you're going to do that, I can walk the airport, get the legs going, get a little blood flow. Yeah, if you're going to start – you're going to look like a psycho if you start doing pull-ups and push-ups or something like that. But I've seen people stretch, do full body yoga poses and stuff in the middle of the areas and stuff. People are getting into it.

37:53Shane Gillis:I can hit a hamstring, touch my toes, stretch. I can't do the downward. I couldn't do downward dog or...

37:59Steve Rannazzisi:No, but I could loosen up my hips. I would like that.

38:02Joe List:Yeah. This is one of the things I'm most jealous of people. The people that just aren't completely embarrassed to do things publicly. Yeah. I see people doing yoga just in a public space. Like in a park. And I feel like such a fucking self-conscious asshole. Everyone's looking at you right now.

38:20Steve Rannazzisi:How could you not know that and be fucking self-conscious about that?

38:23Matt McCusker:But it's a freedom they have. Yeah, I don't have it.

38:26Joe List:I think it's growing up in New England and then being a comedian. Well, it's also having a family. Am I standing okay? You've had a family. You're like, what are you doing here? What the fuck? Why are you trying to be different and comfortable? No. I have to pretend I don't like movies that I like. in my family. I'm like, that's a fucking foreign film. I'm like this. I loved it.

38:47Steve Rannazzisi:My wife's family doesn't like, they're part Jewish. They don't like Matt Damon from that, what was that movie where he, with Brendan Fraser. Oh, School Ties. School Ties. Why? Because he was so real in that as an anti-Semite that they were like, this guy's got it in him. This guy has like real hatred for Jews in him. Like they have that total disconnect from reality that they believe that Matt Damon is an anti-Semite. Yeah, for real. So we all have to pretend that Matt Damon's not cool. They must really hate Ralph Fiennes.

39:16Joe List:I don't think I want an Oscar. Yeah, it's true. He didn't lose notes. He lost the Oscar to Tommy Lee Jones. I can feel people at home. No, he didn't. You piece of shit.

39:24Shane Gillis:No, that's comment farming. That's good for engagement. Oh, good. There you go. Shit. Did he? No, that's great. I didn't know he had a movie where he was an anti-Semite.

39:32Matt McCusker:Yeah, School Ties. Yeah, that was an early one. Yep. Dang. Possibly pre-Good Will Hunting.

39:37Steve Rannazzisi:I think it was. Yeah. I don't think you do Good Will Hunting and get nominated for Academy Award and then go, I'll go play an anti-semite. That's a good point.

39:45Shane Gillis:Yeah, true. That's wild. I wonder who produced that movie.

39:49Matt McCusker:School Ties? I don't remember. It'd be crazy if you just pulled out the producer of School Ties. Yawn.

39:56Joe List:This is good.

39:58Shane Gillis:Yeah, because you never really see people. He didn't win any awards for that role. No, it was like a small role.

40:02Matt McCusker:Okay. He was like Jew Hater No. 5, whatever it was. Really? Really? Yeah, he didn't even have a name, I don't think. He's also in Courage Under Fire.

40:10Joe List:He's real skinny in that one. Oh, okay. Yeah, also early. By the way, someone just sent me a great Good Will Hunting plot hole. And it was just a guy. It wasn't a guy who was in social media. He had like 40 followers.

40:23Matt McCusker:Yeah. But it's a great point. The one about... You said you posted about it, right? No, not mine. I had my own. About the car.

40:29Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, yeah, the car. Yeah, yeah.

40:30Joe List:That one that people poking holes in. But the scene, you know the movie, right? Yeah, yeah. The famous scene of like, how you like me now? And he, you know, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon's, yeah, Ben Affleck's talking to the guy. And then he's like, he makes Ben Affleck look stupid. And then Matt Damon comes and makes him look stupid. And then the guy's like, yeah, well, your kids will be, you'll be serving my kids French fries. Why does he assume Matt Damon doesn't go to Harvard also? He knows nothing about him. They're at a Harvard bar. Matt Damon just like dunked on him. Yeah. He proves he's like an absolute genius.

41:03Joe List:And the guy's like, well, you'll be working at fucking Burger King.

41:06Matt McCusker:Yeah. Yeah, why doesn't he assume like...

41:07Joe List:He doesn't know what we know.

41:09Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, yes. Is it just the accent? Well, yeah, the horrible Southie accent. I mean... I guess. Yeah.

41:18Joe List:But like the Kennedys have accents. They're smart.

41:22Matt McCusker:Okay, all right, all right. You know what I mean? I mean, this is what we're here for with these podiums. Okay, all right. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a piece of bad writing.

41:31Shane Gillis:So that was the plot hole that they all of a sudden knew that he wasn't smart.

41:35Joe List:Well, yeah, I mean, he's like, they're in a Harvard bar in Cambridge. And this guy walks over and is like fucking just rifling off all these. Hold on. Didn't before that he asked him, who did you have for?

41:46Steve Rannazzisi:Didn't he mention a teacher? Did they talk about like, didn't you have this guy for? Or was it a book? I think. No, it's like a book. Yeah. He's quoting a book to. Oh, you read this and that. OK.

41:55Shane Gillis:So what is that movie? I've seen that movie. It was a long time ago. It's essentially about a guy who's white trash, but is smart.

42:02Matt McCusker:Yeah. Yeah. He's a janitor.

42:04Shane Gillis:Yeah. I remember that. He's a genius.

42:07Joe List:He works at MIT, I think it was. Yeah, he cleans floors at MIT because he's a genius and he needs to be challenged. I mean, the whole movie is wonderful but silly.

42:15Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah. I mean, their original, you know, the original script was like, they solved the problem because aliens were coming down and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Really? Horrific.

42:24Matt McCusker:Yeah. It was like really bad. Well, there's rumors that someone else kind of. Well, yeah.

42:29Steve Rannazzisi:I think because they went so far, he was the only person that could figure out the algorithm to set the thing off that was going to kill the rocket that was coming down to shoot up Earth or whatever. It's like Armageddon. Yeah. So I think they were going in that direction. That's also a weird fantasy.

42:46Shane Gillis:It's a personality type. That's like, there was this guy and he was really smart and only he knew the solution to the big problem and he saved everyone. I've heard people do that before.

42:54Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah.

42:56Shane Gillis:That's never anything I've ever fantasized about. It was way better the way it went, the way they chose to go.

43:00Joe List:Well, I think Louis had a bit about it, too. It's like Matt Damon wrote the movie. He stars the movie, and it's like he's like a badass who can fight and beat the shit on anybody. But he's also super smart. But he's also cool. And it's like the guy has no flaw whatsoever in the movie. But he's a piece of shit. He overcame everything, and he can fight, and he's cool, and he's smart. Yeah, but we've got to feel bad for him. And yeah.

43:26Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, yeah. because he can't get it together with the hot chick. Whatever. I like talking about it.

43:30Shane Gillis:So that's the big thing.

43:31Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, you know, because he was abused and all this stuff. And then that's how Robin Williams gets involved. He's the therapist.

43:36Shane Gillis:Gotcha.

43:37Steve Rannazzisi:Just, yeah.

43:37Shane Gillis:Is Ben Affleck in this movie, though? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

43:40Steve Rannazzisi:He's his best friend. I think that's the only way he might know that he's not from Harvard is because you wouldn't have a gorilla friend like Ben Affleck coming over again. Like nobody else was like, hey, I, you know, from Harvard, was like going to interject. He was like, I'll take the shit out of you.

43:54Joe List:Even if he doesn't go to Harvard, he's still clearly like a brilliant guy. Yeah, that's true. He's like, yeah, you work at Burger King. No, you're right. He should have been like, why would I work at Burger King? I'm fucking. You're absolutely right, Joe. I mean, this is not my original point. What was your plot hole that everyone.

44:06Shane Gillis:I liked yours.

44:07Joe List:My plot hole is they give him a car for his birthday. It's 21st birthday. Buy him a car. And then they're like, all right, we're not driving you around anymore. And then like two scenes later, they pick him up, which someone pointed out. It could have been Saturday and they're going out to drink. But they weren't like, his car's not here. like they're like oh he must be like he's knocking on his door being like where could he be he could

44:28Steve Rannazzisi:like how could he possibly not be home yeah but a bit just indicator would be that his car is not

44:33Shane Gillis:here and the one you just bought it seems like a bigger plot hole thank you i appreciate it yeah fuck that other guy yeah that guy's a fucking dumbass bro yeah he'll never be like goodwill honey sorry i broke it up my heart's racing i had um my whole family does like demolition And I remember when I started stand-up, you know, I did stand-up for a couple of years. I met a bunch of comedians in Philly. And then I quit stand-up to work in demolition. And I was walking home from work because I was, like, working in Philly. And I had to take the subway back to, like, where I lived. And I had, like, these, like, work overalls.

45:05Shane Gillis:And I was all dirty. And I came off and saw all my comedian friends. They were like, oh, man, where have you been? I remember feeling so cool. I'm like, yeah, I'm just working now, guys. I just, like, it was such a good feeling.

45:16Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah. You feel like a fucking productive member of society, dude.

45:20Shane Gillis:No, I felt more like Good Will Hunting. I felt like a misunderstood creative. Yeah, yeah. I remember just being like, I'm a genius, obviously. I got to go to work. It's a tragedy. It's a tragedy. I got to work for my dad right now. I can't do comedy open mics with you guys right now. So it's pretty cool.

45:34Joe List:Yeah, I remember telling people my uncles are plumbers, and I would go work with them. And then I would tell people, like, yeah, I do plumbing. And they're like, oh, shit. Which is cool, where I come from. But I just was like, wrench. I'm like, there you go. Like, I didn't know how to plumb. I was a helper guy. I was like, hand out tools and get yelled at. Yeah, yeah. Just standing around like this.

45:55Shane Gillis:I was a helper guy big time. Yeah. I was never, anytime they were like, cut me a two by four, I needed 37 three quarters, I'd always be like, it's going to take me 20 minutes. I got it. There's so many lines, I'd have to be like, all right, the quarter, or like the eighth and sixteenths on a tape measure, you're like.

46:09Steve Rannazzisi:I try to rent out my own bathroom once. I bought a condo, and I was like, I'm going to do it myself. Because the demo part, that's fun. Yeah, yeah. Ripping shit out and throwing it away and stuff. but then like the plumbing part it was like i got it i couldn't get it right i had to actually call a real plumber yeah to come over and finish the whole thing it cost me a ton of money and it sucked and i was like this is not fun like i'm not having no this sucks dude like this i'm never going to get good at this i don't want to get good at this it's just i'm going to hire people

46:36Joe List:that's how it goes for the rest of my plumbers are going to be it'd be like if someone was like yeah i had a big corporate party and i wanted to do the standout yeah yeah i know i thought i was I tried to do an hour, but it's way out of my life.

46:46Matt McCusker:I did four minutes. Killed for four minutes. Plumbing's hard.

46:49Shane Gillis:Plumbing's the only trade I never got to help out with or try to do.

46:53Steve Rannazzisi:I don't even know how water goes upstairs in my house. How do you make that water go up? Yeah, I know. The pressure and salt pumps. I guess. I don't know. Yeah, but there's a weird thing with water, though.

47:03Shane Gillis:Yeah, how to get it to, I don't know.

47:05Steve Rannazzisi:My brother-in-law is an HVAC guy, and he just knows everything. My brother-in-law is an HVAC guy. Oh, really? Whoa.

47:11Matt McCusker:What the fuck?

47:11Steve Rannazzisi:Everything, bro. It's amazing. Hold on. It's amazing. hold on whoa this is friendship vibes right now we got our clip purple friendship vibes

47:20Joe List:straight to the top baby

47:24Shane Gillis:yeah no i uh i used to do house painting and like 80 of the customers are pregnant ladies that are about to have kids you know husband everything because they get that nesting instinct they want to just change the house around so a huge percentage of the jobs the husband had tried to do it failed and then we would come in to like fix it and it was just it was really demoralizing you see the guy in there and he'd be like yeah it's up there and you walk in and she would be like all half on the ceiling all fucked up and it would be like the tape is still on there i yeah swastikas everywhere yeah using tape is kind of the guy my friend i worked for he would call them tape users it was like it's kind of shameful it was

48:06Steve Rannazzisi:I would frog tape the floor. I tried to do all the shit in myself. Yeah. And then I hired an 80-year-old Greek man that came in with like one arm, did the whole fucking thing. My wife wanted wallpaper on the ceiling. We have wallpaper on our ceiling. Yeah. Nobody would do it. This 80-year-old Greek man did it in like an hour and a half and perfect and beautiful. I'm like, I couldn't. If you gave me 100 years. No.

48:30Shane Gillis:It would look horrible. I feel like if you're using tape to paint, you should call someone else to paint for you.

48:36Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah.

48:36Shane Gillis:Tape is like, it takes so long and the chances of you not bleeding through and just fucking it up anyway. Yeah.

48:42Steve Rannazzisi:No, I hire everything.

48:44Matt McCusker:Yeah, so do I.

48:45Steve Rannazzisi:That's what real men do. I guess. I mean, I feel like I, you know, you see your friends cutting their own lawns and shit and they look really nice. Like my guy cuts my lawn on Thursdays. Some Sundays, it's like sometimes it doesn't look great. And I want to cut again, but I can't because I don't have the skills. You don't have a lawn mower. You can cut a lawn.

49:03Matt McCusker:You can do the lawn. I don't have the lawn mower. I'm like, this is all I'm doing.

49:06Steve Rannazzisi:I don't have a lawnmower or the skills to do it.

49:08Matt McCusker:Yeah. I mean, it's, yeah, I wouldn't. If you don't have to do it, I wouldn't do any of that stuff. One time I got, when I first bought my house, I got a ride on lawnmower.

49:16Steve Rannazzisi:And it was awesome. The guy left it. And I was driving around. I didn't know how it worked. I remember, like, I would cut the whole grass. And then I realized at the end, I never put the mower part down. I never put the blade down. I was just like a Zamboni going up and down my fucking driveway. Up and down my lawn, like, smoking a bot, like, feeling like a man. dude.

49:35Matt McCusker:This is pretty thick still. Just drove over. Just rode around with a fucking...

49:42Joe List:But a lawnmower is just like a shopping cart. You just hold it and push it.

49:48Shane Gillis:It depends on how you can get your lines neat. But then the edging, the edging, all that stuff. You gotta buy the trimmer

49:55Steve Rannazzisi:and then the blower and stuff. The weed whacking.

49:57Shane Gillis:They do it so well. Weed whacking is sick. I used to do lawn care and being just the weed whacker guy, you hop out, someone mows and you just get to walk and just go shit was fucking awesome. You wore a lot of hats. I did. I've had almost every type of job you can possibly have.

50:13Joe List:You're like the village people. I am.

50:16Shane Gillis:No, yeah, I had dog walking. Dog walking was cool.

50:20Steve Rannazzisi:That was my favorite. I used to drive an old lady to dialysis three times a week when I first moved to Los Angeles. She was probably 90 years old. She was funny, nice, you know, older lady from Brooklyn. But she would, you know, dialysis is pretty crazy. Yeah, it's intense. And so she would get, she would get like, she would get into my car and all of a sudden, like she would rush and she would, and it started to bleed again. I'd have to drive her back and she was like, I'm embarrassed. And then I would take her to the store. She just wanted, yeah, I was like, no, no. I'm like, I felt responsible for this lady.

51:00Steve Rannazzisi:Come here, come here. I wouldn't take her shopping It was like Tuesdays with fucking Maury We would spend all day together Grocery shopping Buying hair products and stuff My grandmother I would drive her around for$10 an hour

51:17Shane Gillis:Yeah

51:18Steve Rannazzisi:I was not equipped To do this at all I was terrified of blood And death This lady Her son was a manager like a big time manager in Hollywood.

51:32Shane Gillis:I would say that makes you good. I'm responsible.

51:34Steve Rannazzisi:This lady dies on my thing. I'm my career is over. It's over. That's a good candidate though.

51:38Shane Gillis:If you walk in for that job and like, I don't fear death nor blood. I'd be like, yeah, all right.

51:43Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah.

51:43Matt McCusker:Thanks for your resume. Yeah. I want a little nervous Nelly in there. I fear neither death nor blood. Yeah.

51:50Shane Gillis:This episode is brought to you by prize picks. Okay. It's time to shoot your shot because with prize picks, you get$50 instantly in lineups. when you play your first$5. That's right. PrizePix is now giving you$50 in lineups when you sign up and play your first$5. Every dunk, every dime, and every board is so much more exciting with PrizePix. So don't miss this chance to get started on America's number one app for SportsPix. Discuss any past or upcoming sports events. Mention you can find it on PrizePix. I mean, guys, oh man. Imagine if you were prize picking on the USA hockey game when they won gold over, you know, won gold over the Canadians.

52:32Shane Gillis:I actually saw that. That was awesome. I watched it in the airport. Oh, that'd be so fun. I mean, there's NBA, March Madness, UFC 326, Holloway versus Oliveira on March 7th. Wow. My favorite prize picks feature right now. Hmm. Let me think about this. I like how they put their users first. So all withdrawals are fast and secure. PrizePix accepts most major payment methods, making deposits into your account quick and easy this sports season. Download the PrizePix app today and use code Drenched to get$50 in lineups after you play your first$5 lineup. That's code Drenched to get$50 in lineups after you play your first$5 lineup.

53:11Shane Gillis:PrizePix, it's good to be right. What's up, guys? What's going on? I got to handle some business right now. In terms of the live performances, I got my ticket counts right here. And honestly, we're not looking bad, but I do have to bring some of these shows to people's attention. Also, look at my little boy here. Yeah, he's back in the cone. I hate to see it, but yeah, I mean, I took him to the vet and they said my ticket sales were so low in Indianapolis that they were thinking of cutting my dog's head off. And I was like, if I sell some more, would you not cut his head off? and they're like well if you can get that thing up to 97 sold we'll think about it otherwise this cone it's gonna have blades come out of the side and well cut his head off so hopefully we can avoid that but yeah sorry i'm like filming at a weird angle um because i took all my clothes off and then remembered i had to film a video so i'm trying my best not to show everybody my penis as i lay here.

54:16Shane Gillis:Poor fucking guy. They're going to cut his damn head off. Guys, you can catch me in Cleveland, Ohio, the 6th of March. I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, PA. Both those sales are looking pretty strong. So we're pretty good there. But yeah, come on out. What else we have? St. Louis, Missouri after that. That's in March as well. I think the 26th. I'm looking at My computer's sideways. It's kind of tough to really read it. Yeah, Indianapolis, that's the big one. That's the one they're going to cut this guy's head off. I don't sell enough tickets, which I sure hope that doesn't happen.

54:58Shane Gillis:But, you know, if it does, I tried my best making this sweet promo. In the arms of the angels, let me... So you like that, don't you? Yeah, so after that, we have, this is just late night vibes, guys. If you don't like them, go to bed. After that, we have, what do we have? St. Paul, Missouri. What are the sales looking like? Oh, not bad. All right, that's wild. Guys, Phoenix, Arizona, I'm doing the Celebrity Theater. Ticket sales are abysmal, and the fucking place is huge, guys. Come on. I mean, it's not until April 26th, so I have time. but come on, man. Let's fucking get that up. Otherwise, they're going to, I don't really want to say it around this little poor guy.

55:48Shane Gillis:You see the condition? He's already on the chopping block for Indianapolis. But, man, if I don't sell out the celebrity theater, you know, I don't want to say what they're going to do, but they're going to turn them into sausages. They're going to feed them to kids who don't have any food. So, yeah, we don't want that. They're going to make dog sausages and give them to poor kids in the third world. Poor little guy. All right. What else do we have? Yeah, that's pretty much it. Go to mattmccusker.com, please. By the way, this isn't supposed to be funny. This is a serious business announcement. So just do it for him.

56:30Shane Gillis:If not for me, do it for this little guy. He's blind.

56:37Shane Gillis:Henry Paul did. All right, never mind. he's re-pawed did you see that Netflix has a show now where it's just last words from people or is that just like a one off thing oh because of Eric Dane yeah did you see that

56:52Matt McCusker:I saw it last night I almost watched it I was crying

56:56Shane Gillis:my thing is is that a show now I don't know I think it's a cool show

57:00Matt McCusker:what do they do they talk into the camera

57:02Shane Gillis:I thought he just did it

57:04Matt McCusker:oh wow

57:05Shane Gillis:maybe he just did it and then they were like

57:08Steve Rannazzisi:one last deal they licensed it to netflix to give a little money to the family that's cool i didn't

57:12Shane Gillis:know if it was a new show i was like that's kind of a sick show idea let people who are like about to die just be like here's my thoughts on everything or people that aren't you're just

57:20Steve Rannazzisi:like i don't know what i could go but if i let me just tell you something right now kind of nice

57:24Shane Gillis:and you update it yeah your best monologue it's it's a tearjerker it's like a message oh yeah it's hard to his daughter he's dying it's very very sweet i watched it in the hotel room i started

57:33Steve Rannazzisi:crying yeah it was very nice i would it's i don't know i mean we're probably all around the same age it's pretty i'm like damn dude yeah these are this is us yep you know it's like this is these people are us dude yep should you start recording last words yeah geez all right change the change the color yeah yeah there we go all right jesus christ no i said the same thing about epstein

58:00Shane Gillis:I looked and I was just like, first of all, I'm insecure of the fact that I think I'm going to start looking just like Epstein pretty soon. You see that? I've been seeing some pictures of him. I'm like, dude, I'm going to start looking like this.

58:09Matt McCusker:If your hair gets a little wild, dude, and the tan, you got to get that tan a little more. I know, man. A little more rosacea.

58:14Shane Gillis:I might get some work done, too, to bring my chin out like his, but I think I'm going to work. That's been insecure. Some guy was like, dude, you look just like Jeffrey. And I was like, bro, you hit my most raw nerve right now. I'm really worried I look like Epstein. I think you're all right. Yeah, you're better looking than him. Thank you. Appreciate that.

58:30Steve Rannazzisi:Kinder eyes.

58:31Shane Gillis:Thank you. He does have scary eyes. Yeah. I heard he had an egg-shaped penis. Did you hear about that? The deposition? He had an egg-shaped penis.

58:39Steve Rannazzisi:I feel like every deposition has the person's penis described in it. Everyone you hear about, it's like, you're just going to... Well, you heard... What was it? Trump had his penis described in the deposition. Anyone with a sexual something has a deposition about their penis.

58:55Shane Gillis:Yeah. I mean, that's part of the proof. What kind of dicks you have? Yeah, you have to know.

58:59Joe List:They take it out and they're like, that's it. You fucked this lady.

59:02Shane Gillis:You definitely fucked this lady. Is this the dick in question? They put a bunch of boners in the police line.

59:08Steve Rannazzisi:She'd have to blindly feel each one. I'm going to have to shove this one in my ass to see if it's a real deal, how it really feels. I'm going to have to really get involved with this one.

59:17Shane Gillis:Yeah, Trump, he apparently had that mushroom tip. Like a massive, massive.

59:21Steve Rannazzisi:But that's the other thing. It's like these guys all have schmeckles. They never have like dongs, dude. They never have units. It's never like, and on top of him being an unbelievable sexual predator, he had a fucking unit. Like a big old unit, dude. He was probably pleasing a lot of these people. You know? I think you can hurt the kids if you have a thing. I guess, yeah. So it was perfect size. That's right. You gotta do damage. In my defense, your honor, my shit's tiny. He's looking for a one-car garage.

59:54Shane Gillis:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

59:56Joe List:Yeah. Hearing this makes me grateful about my dick, though. I feel like my dick is just a nice... It's not huge, but it's straight and a nice, big... Standard issue. Pretty. That's it. I was on the same way. It would be hard to be like, oh, there's this wacky thing. Although I do have a bit of a thumbprint, because I used to jerk off like this when I was a kid. So there's like a purple... Wait, not grip? No, for many years, I jerked off like this. Oh, like don't touch the sides. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I have, and I went to the sex clinic one time. Why did you do that though? I don't know. That's just like how I started.

1:00:32Joe List:I just kept going. It's like a batting stance. Yeah, true. You're just like, yeah. I don't know. I just feel comfortable.

1:00:38Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah. He goes over it. He does the old school wind up.

1:00:41Matt McCusker:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

1:00:42Joe List:Yeah. You had to learn by yourself. And I went to a sex clinic because I had herpes. It's the whole thing. But the lady was like, what is, she was like Eastern European. She's like, what is this? Contusion from masturbation? And I had to be like, yes. Mailed it. Yeah. God damn, you've seen a lot of dicks, lady.

1:00:58Matt McCusker:Holy cow.

1:00:59Shane Gillis:How did it contuse? Like, why would this make it contuse? I think because it's a lot of pressure. Yeah.

1:01:04Steve Rannazzisi:As you're going, as you lose control, you probably lose control of your grip strength. Although, you're like, you're going to fucking feel this.

1:01:10Joe List:It could also be cause causation. It might have been I started jerking off because it was already there, like a birthmark. Oh, maybe it felt good. It was like a sensitive spot for you. Yeah, but I think it was a contusion for masturbation. Oh, God. I believe.

1:01:23Shane Gillis:Oh, you thought that was like where you're like, oh, this is where I jerk off. This is my starting point. It's my handle. It's the grip. I remember hearing that it curves you if you do one hand over the other. So I like switched up to my left.

1:01:36Steve Rannazzisi:Oh, I started doing a Western grip where I would go down, you know, like down and away. Down and away.

1:01:43Shane Gillis:You still do?

1:01:43Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah. No, not anymore. Not anymore. But yeah, when I was trying to switch it up once in a while. Western grip. Western grip.

1:01:51Joe List:I also never had lube. Nobody fucking helped me.

1:01:56Steve Rannazzisi:No. I know. I know. I had no guidance. Honestly, I think about that with my sons. I'm like, I know that they're definitely doing it, but are they doing it right? Maybe they could be contusioning themselves, and I feel responsible as a parent.

1:02:10Shane Gillis:Send them a sex clinic. Go get them checked out.

1:02:11Steve Rannazzisi:I'm going to send them the clip of this. We'll clip the of him and then just go, hey, just so you know. Yeah. Check this shit out.

1:02:17Joe List:We got this and the brother-in-law thing, I think. Straight to the top.

1:02:21Shane Gillis:I used to use blueberry hand soap as lubricant and it completely dried my ball sack out to where like the skin was falling off and peeling Didn't it burn when it got inside the tip? I don't really recall. I don't think it ever burned me on the tip I remember this first my first folly was that the blueberry soap when I was younger before I started using it to masturbate I could have sworn the blueberry like I thought it tasted good. So there was a part where I was blowing yourself. No, no, no I don't know. Yeah, I was actually. I was pretty big when I was eight. No, I remember eating blueberry soap being like, if it smells good, it has to taste good.

1:02:56Shane Gillis:Absolutely. I pumped blueberry soap in my mouth. I was like, ah, fuck. And then I started using it to jerk off. Oof. Hand soap, no way.

1:03:05Joe List:When I first started jerking off, I didn't even jerk off. I just fucked the pillow. Like I would be on the pillow. And fuck the pillow. And humping, yeah. Really? Yeah, fuck the mattress.

1:03:14Shane Gillis:I started masturbating before I could even ejaculate. So I would stand up off the toilet and pee into the bathtub at the end and be like, I'm done. Wow.

1:03:22Joe List:Whoa. You're a squirter.

1:03:24Shane Gillis:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Yeah, my mom would be out there. I'm fine. Oh, my God. And then I'd go, oh, yeah, baby. Come on. Yeah. I work out the legs over here. Yeah. No, dude, look. Look, see how we're fucking flying. I know. I got sciatica.

1:03:42Steve Rannazzisi:So I'm switching from side to side. Give it a little stretch.

1:03:44Shane Gillis:If I sit my sciatic ax up.

1:03:46Steve Rannazzisi:Oh, really? I cross my legs like a girl. So it loosens it up. Like, you know, like this.

1:03:50Matt McCusker:So it kind of gets it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You got to do this shit. Hip openers. Yeah. That's how I loosen up my hips. What do you do on an airplane? How do you get comfortable on an airplane?

1:03:58Steve Rannazzisi:Well, they moved me up to a middle seat. They upgraded me to a... I'm in the aisle, dude. I got to be in an aisle. I'm an aisle guy.

1:04:06Shane Gillis:Yeah, I'm an aisle. I have to be in an aisle.

1:04:07Steve Rannazzisi:I used to be a, you know... Window. Window guy.

1:04:10Matt McCusker:scumbag yeah but then i now i have to get up i have to move around i've got to stretch um yeah because you know i'll stretch in the galley i'll go to the bathroom and chat it up a little

1:04:21Steve Rannazzisi:bit walk around you did something on a plane i remember i never brought this up i don't think i brought it up with you but on the way back from skank fest masturbate no he was in you were i was in comfort plus you were in first class and you went to the bathroom with your shoes off yeah and i honestly was like that yeah i was like disgusted by that i was well i had socks on you definitely but still i was like what i and i remember i'm like i got to bring this up to joe next time and i'm glad we're in this forum right now that i can finally debate you on whether or not it is the most gross thing to go to the bathroom this is like a full westbro this is three hours yeah let me do something right now well i've had other people bring this up and

1:05:01Joe List:And sometimes we all do things that are gross that we don't think of as being gross. Yes. Every once in a while. I mean, this. But I'm here to tell you. This backhand grip jerk off. Western grip is not gross. Western grip. The same thing I've ever heard. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. Okay. Try it. Yeah, I like to take my shoes. First of all, it's like a cross-country flight. It was like a six-hour flight. I don't mind the shoes off. So I got to go shoes off. Great. Don't mind. Clean feet, clean socks. Is that for circulation?

1:05:26Shane Gillis:Like, what is it? Just coffee? Comfort.

1:05:28Joe List:Comfort. shoes and then you kind of swell on a plane yes like these i would easily take off and leave them slip them off and then it's like you got to put bend up putting your shoes on of course i was in first class as you heard but it's it's hard to get the room and you got to put them all the way back and what so what's the worst case now i get some piss in my sock yes i've had piss because i know

1:05:49Steve Rannazzisi:yeah but then you're gonna go put them back in your shoe and then you go home you take your shoes off you're walking around your house and your socks and you got piss foot all over the

1:05:56Joe List:house now this is the thing people i look like i'm like presenting yeah i have the look of like a germ guy but i don't i don't care about germs that's what shocked me about the situation i don't

1:06:09Shane Gillis:care about germs i don't i would have thought if they said like joe's gonna get up and go to the

1:06:12Steve Rannazzisi:bathroom is he gonna put his shoes on or is he gonna go i would have bet my entire house that you would have put your shoes on and gone to the bathroom yeah yeah on the floor see i have i have

1:06:21Joe List:ocd that makes me want to punch people while i'm walking by them i don't wash my hands i guess i I wash my hands if I shit. Yeah, yeah. But like, I'll get off the subway and go eat a cheeseburger. And not really think much of it. And not wash your hands. Play basketball and then go out and eat pizza. Yeah. Because I'm not a fucking nerd. Piss on the socks is like, hey. I guess. I know.

1:06:39Shane Gillis:I just was really. What's your. What about reusing it? I got shit for reusing a tissue where I like blew my nose and put it in my pocket for later. If I could use it again. Oh, that's not gross. I had someone like. That's yours. Yeah. So. How do you feel about the socks in the bathroom? If you pissed on your. Totally unaffected. I. I in the middle of the night. You would do that? Yeah, it wouldn't bother me. But the. Wow.

1:06:58Matt McCusker:Yeah, that wouldn't. Pee? I have zero fear of pee, by the way. I'm also thinking of snot, cum, whatever else people are doing. I know people that jerk off on planes. You're not getting in that little toilet.

1:07:07Shane Gillis:Both of us are guilty of it. You've never jerked off on a plane? I have. Yes. I wanted to be the last one to say it, though. Well, do you want to hear this story? I don't know in good faith that people jerk off on those things. Yeah, I've heard under.

1:07:19Joe List:Yeah. I have a story about jerking off on a plane. I've told this on podcasts. But I went in and jerked off. You know, it was whatever. I was horny and young and ambitious. You were told.

1:07:30Shane Gillis:You were up in the air. Yeah.

1:07:31Joe List:So I went and jerked off. And I swear to God, I came out of the bathroom. I just finished jerking off. And you got to jerk off fast enough that it could be a shit. A shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I come out. And the flight attendant, I started going. She goes, hey, what were you doing in there? No way. And I was like, what? What? And she's like, you didn't see the sign? And it was like an out of order. And somehow I missed it. Oh, my. So I went in there and I was in there for like a length of time. Oh, no. And I swear to God, she went and looked at the toilet. To see the toilet. Because it's not working.

1:07:58Joe List:Because it's not working. Yes. And there was nothing in there. But I had been in there for like four minutes. Where was the cum? In the trash. I did a tissue and then put it in the trash.

1:08:07Matt McCusker:But it was like the most my heart has ever raised. You've got to be like plucking my eyebrows. I don't think it's like, what were you doing? Bleaching my asshole. Like, oh my god.

1:08:18Shane Gillis:She was like, I tried to take a poop. It wouldn't come out.

1:08:19Matt McCusker:And it was like early on the flight.

1:08:21Shane Gillis:Oh, no. Yeah.

1:08:22Steve Rannazzisi:At least she didn't answer right away. Like, I was using the restroom going to the bath number two. And she's like, how could you? It's out of. Oh, my God. Or I could have been like, I jerked off.

1:08:30Joe List:Yeah, yeah. All right. I was looking at you.

1:08:32Shane Gillis:It's not illegal, by the way. No.

1:08:33Joe List:It was horrible. And another time after Last Comic Standing 2010, I jerked off. And that came out. And Mike Vecchione was the guy waiting. So that was uncomfortable. I was like, oh, hey.

1:08:43Matt McCusker:So that was. It was like all of us on a flight.

1:08:46Steve Rannazzisi:He sat down on an ice cold.

1:08:47Matt McCusker:And he knew, dude. What the fuck? He knew. He's probably next. Damn, dude.

1:08:53Joe List:That's cold. But in your 20s, early 30s, I mean, I just have to jerk off.

1:08:57Steve Rannazzisi:Well, then great. You're proving my point, going back to my original argument, that you should not be walking into the bathroom with socks on.

1:09:03Joe List:But I don't come on the floor and leave it.

1:09:05Steve Rannazzisi:I do. I do. The old Western would do it. I go Western grip. I'm going down there, flattering everywhere, man. Just old fucking lying. Especially in turbulence.

1:09:14Matt McCusker:Yeah, I went out of control. We're in a chaotic environment. I need the turbulence to come. I can't come unless we get off. Yeah, give me a little balance, a little shake to get my prostate nervous. Just a little nerves.

1:09:23Shane Gillis:Give me a full jerk. Also, just learn on the plane that they can't stop you from going to the bathroom at any time. What do you mean they can't?

1:09:31Steve Rannazzisi:When you're landing and taking off.

1:09:33Shane Gillis:You can get up. They can't stop you from... They can just suggest that you don't get up. But if you've got to pee, you can pee no matter what.

1:09:39Steve Rannazzisi:Oh, really? I've had people be like, we're going to turn the plane around. I'm not turning the plane around.

1:09:43Matt McCusker:No, no, no. I mean like pilots... That's it! I'll tell you what I'll fucking turn this thing around everybody sit down

1:09:53Steve Rannazzisi:I told you to hold it when they're taxiing out when they're going to the runway if you get up and go to the bathroom they'll be like we're going to pull off to the side

1:10:03Shane Gillis:they just passive aggressively please as a reminder to sit down maybe before taxing

1:10:09Matt McCusker:before they're going to take off they will pull off to the side of the road once you take off though

1:10:14Shane Gillis:So you can do literally whatever you want.

1:10:16Joe List:But it would be hard to prove it. Like, I'm sure the pilots have orders to like, hey, don't. But no one's like fucking looking in. Oh, yeah. I mean, I hope you're looking forward.

1:10:26Steve Rannazzisi:You're not like, you know, looking in the rearview mirror. But yeah, I guess they're supposed to not take off if everyone's not seated.

1:10:33Shane Gillis:Yeah, but once they're up, I thought you had to wait for the thing to go ding, and then you can get up and go to the bathroom. You can just as soon as you're in the air, you can just get up and go to the bathroom. And the flight attendants will be like, kind of look at you, and you're like, I have to go. I threw up on him.

1:10:43Joe List:Oh, go ahead. No, I've seen an old man run as soon as it took off. We were totally ascending, and he went running up. And I felt like everyone was like, this guy's going to shit his pants. He's old. But I saw the flight attendant, who was still buckled in, be like, oh, sir. And then they just let it go. Like that thing. Yeah, they can't fucking.

1:11:01Steve Rannazzisi:I thought about it. I threw up. I felt sick one time. I was like, oh, we're going to. And it was still seatbelts buckled. And I threw up into the bag, into my own little personal bag, rather than getting up and going to the bathroom. because I was like, I don't want to get in trouble. It's also a small bag. And if they stopped me, I'm going to barf on them.

1:11:16Matt McCusker:Was it like the paper bag? Yeah, it was the vomit bag. It's pretty small for vomiting. It is, yeah.

1:11:21Steve Rannazzisi:I knew I wasn't giving like a huge... I had eaten like a fucking lemonade. It was like a 6 a.m. in the morning flight. It was like gurgling around my stomach. I drank a lemonade. I know. Quote, unquote. A little piss mouth bath. Yeah, a little piss for breakfast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little croissant and lemonade. And I barfed it up on the fucking... I don't know. It just didn't sit right. Damn. Yeah, but it was like on the takeoff on the way up. And I'm like, I want to run to the bathroom and just do it there. But you can't. Now you know. Now I know. Yeah, I didn't do it because I was like, I thought they were going to arrest me.

1:11:51Shane Gillis:Especially with little kids. I have little kids and they're like, I got to pee now. I'm like, fuck. Yeah. They have like a two minute time window.

1:11:56Steve Rannazzisi:Yep. So I'll just take them there.

1:11:57Shane Gillis:And they're like, sir. And it's like, hey, come on.

1:12:00Joe List:Yep. Were you traveling a lot when you potty trained?

1:12:02Shane Gillis:Because it feels like that's going to be hard.

1:12:04Joe List:Oh, yeah.

1:12:04Shane Gillis:You get a potty train and then you're like, ah, just shit. Huge setback too. because we, my oldest kid was potty trained pretty much and then we went to the airport and that automatic flusher was just like and then it just, it like reverted her all the way back. We potty trained

1:12:18Steve Rannazzisi:in like a week or two at my house. We had a week or two off. It was like, I remember we just did it like you walked around and just, he just would wear no diapers or whatever. That's what they say, yeah. And then just like when you got to go, sometimes there were accidents like a dog, but you know, like most times they make it to the toilet and then that was it. Because my son's nine and we just cannot figure it out. You can't break him in.

1:12:38Matt McCusker:You're like, I can't get it together. We can't find the time. He's a mess. Daddy's on the road. I don't have time to teach you this.

1:12:44Shane Gillis:I remember hearing about that. Like, oh, my wife would always be like, we need to spend the whole weekend. We'll stay here. Yeah. Take their pants. That's what my wife did. I'm never going to do. We're not doing that. Yeah, we did that.

1:12:53Steve Rannazzisi:It was great. It worked out. My second son, not so much. Really? Yeah, it was like a month and a half of him being like, I had shit in my pants. And you're like, you did it on purpose.

1:13:02Shane Gillis:Yeah, boys are harder to potty train from whatever.

1:13:03Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, because they're lazy, dude. Yeah. My son was like, why am I going to get up? Yeah, why do I care? I'll just shit in this diaper that you gave me. Yeah, and then you're going to wipe my ass. And really, I'm going to keep that going until it becomes a huge problem.

1:13:17Shane Gillis:Yeah, letting your kid wipe their own ass is like, I'm still, I have a three - and a five-year-old. I'm still like, are you sure you did that right?

1:13:24Steve Rannazzisi:I never went and was like, here's how you do it or any of that stuff. I was just assuming no rash is coming back my way, no problems being sent up the chain. That's good. That way I just know.

1:13:34Shane Gillis:That's what happened to me. My ass was a disaster until I was like 30. They'll come to me. No one ever taught me. So I actually have been teaching my kids, you just wipe and then when you don't see anything else on the paper, just do it one more time to see. No one taught me how to wipe my ass. No, no one ever does. My wife taught me how to clean my ass in the shower with a rag. Because I used to just lean forward and kind of like bust. I'm still doing that.

1:13:56Joe List:Wait, that's how I do it. I spread the cheeks and I let it get in there. If I don't have a removable shower head, my asshole is never properly treated.

1:14:04Shane Gillis:I was just It was disgusting And then one day She's like You gotta actually wipe So I got a rag And I wiped In the shower And it was just Disgusting She's like Let me see it I was like Dude no Let me see it She wanted to make sure I do a good job She loves you dude Wow God almighty She still will get me With that every now and again I'll be in the shower And I'll wipe my ass With a rag And she'll just like We have like a little half ball She'll peer over I'm like bro Relax man

1:14:26Matt McCusker:Damn You don't wanna see this Wow It's kind of fucked up Yeah That's so sweet You guys are showering together Yeah Well, she'll see me.

1:14:33Shane Gillis:She brushes her teeth right next to where I shower.

1:14:36Steve Rannazzisi:I go in the bathroom. My wife's in the morning when she's showering every day. Do you? Yeah. It's like my favorite. It's the best part of the day. What do you do? Just go up there and fire up? I creep. I fucking, I toilet gnomer. I just sit there on the toilet and I just sit there.

1:14:51Joe List:I had a joke about this years ago where like when my wife showers, I love to be like, oh, but never once has she been like, let me get some of that. She's never like, let me see you. There's no reciprocation at all.

1:15:00Steve Rannazzisi:No. I come out of like, I'm like a naked person. I'll walk around naked. She's like, puts a robe on right away. But like, I'll shower. I'll walk. She'll be in the bedroom. I'll walk past her. Like naked, like fucking. Yeah. She just won't even get off. She won't even look off the phone. Yeah, man. And I'm like, this is, I'm presenting right now. I'm peacocking.

1:15:20Joe List:You know who would be excited by that? A kid. A kid. Hadonic treadmill. You got to keep. You got to keep upping it.

1:15:29Shane Gillis:Yeah. I don't feel that way. Have you ever confronted your wife for her phone usage?

1:15:37Steve Rannazzisi:Passive aggressively, yeah. Yeah, I do it all the time. Yeah.

1:15:39Shane Gillis:Doesn't get a good reaction.

1:15:40Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah.

1:15:40Shane Gillis:I go, can you just please put that thing down and just hang out with us? Oh. They don't like that.

1:15:45Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, because you're like, because she's mostly in charge of everything that goes on in the house. So it's almost like you're taking a break. What are you, you don't have time to lean, no time to clean? Like, what are you doing right now? Get off that phone. Even if it's just hanging out with us. That's like laborious to her. She's like, God almighty. You know what that word means, Joe?

1:16:07Joe List:No, but you clocked that. I was like, huh. I don't appreciate being called out. You know laborious.

1:16:18Matt McCusker:Laborious. Break it down. Boring. Labor. Labor. It's like work.

1:16:23Joe List:If I saw the spelling. It's like work for her to hang out with us.

1:16:27Steve Rannazzisi:I see. It's not fun for her to hang out with us. Of course. It's laborious.

1:16:30Shane Gillis:It's boys. It's boy time.

1:16:31Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah. But like she, yeah. Yeah. She might ever be on the phone. They don't like it.

1:16:36Shane Gillis:No. At least I have to do it. I'll fake shit. I'll go, I'll take a shit and just like a job. And I'll go on my phone. Yeah. Sarah on the phone a lot?

1:16:44Matt McCusker:Yeah. But she has to. She could be like, I'm working or doing something. I mean, she could say that. But yeah, it's a lot. I mean, we have the same job.

1:16:54Joe List:That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she's on her phone a lot. But you know, I get it. Especially now with a two-year-old, it's like when you, sometimes if they go nap or they go, you just want some kind of like, whatever.

1:17:06Shane Gillis:Have you ever gotten a communication via an Instagram reel from your wife where it's like, here's something I'd like you to kind of focus on or work on?

1:17:13Steve Rannazzisi:Oh, yeah, yes. That's the most passive-aggressive way you can tell someone that you're not as good as they want you to be. You know? Right. They're just like, here's a reel about like, I'll get reels about like what you're supposed to say after a game. Yeah. You know, like, because sometimes I'm just a little bit like, hey, dude, like, where were you today? You know, what was going on today? Yeah. Jesus, like, you know, then I'll get a video. It's like, it'll be like the music from Moneyball. Like, the dad's just like, listen, son, you're the greatest it's ever been. And I'm like, I understand the point.

1:17:46Steve Rannazzisi:But, like, you can't, you know, I'm not perfect.

1:17:49Shane Gillis:Yeah.

1:17:50Steve Rannazzisi:No, I know.

1:17:50Shane Gillis:I'll get them every now and again where it's like, it'll be like a lady, like, my anxiety spikes when I see coffee cups on the counter, blah, blah, blah. a deep explanation of it. I'm like, I'll fucking put my cup in the sink. You could have... Yeah, I would rather just communicate that. Nah, but she says it to me. I'm like, oh my God, shut up, dude. Yeah, that's a good point.

1:18:09Steve Rannazzisi:I had karma backfire. We've been sending videos of people falling all winter long because in New York, we've had the worst winter. So it's like just video after video of people falling and laughing and like the great... And then the other day, I'm at the gas station just pulled in with her car to fill it up like a nice husband. get out of the gas and like not even thinking dude it's not snowing it's barely cold I put my feet down on the ground and they just ice my feet go out from underneath me and I'm like and I'm just I'm every while I'm like sideways every video that I've watched and laughed at is going through my fucking head and the people I hit the ground so hard I was like oh no and the fucking guy comes out he's like are you all right are you all right and the lady over here she's still pumping her gas she goes he's all right he didn't fit his head or anything like that she's answering for me i'm on the ground dude i'm like and i'm thinking to myself i'm like dude i haven't fallen like i went to the doctor in january my doctor's like he's going over all stuff he goes hey have you fallen recently and i was like what no dude like i'm not a fucking loser what are you talking about who falls like i'm not 11 and then i thought about it i'm like i this is what he's like i'm the age of falling now like just random falling and it's fucking killed i feel like if you're an adult

1:19:27Shane Gillis:and you fall you should have to go to jail for like two hours yeah just for two hours just like cool down i don't know what it is but like i fell the other night i was naked coming from the bathroom back to my bed it was dark and i tripped over a suitcase and just flat onto my belly all the way to the ground naked all the way to the ground and laid there and i was like i shouldn't be in society right now. I should be taken from society for like a day. It was humiliating.

1:19:53Steve Rannazzisi:That is humiliating.

1:19:54Shane Gillis:It hit my toe. It was like, fuck!

1:19:57Steve Rannazzisi:Stubbing your toe, but then losing all of it and going all the way. Your dick hit the ground. In the dark. It was squished on the ground.

1:20:04Shane Gillis:Mine was hanging. It was like Mission Impossible. Wow.

1:20:10Steve Rannazzisi:That's crazy, dude. Yeah, but you have so many thoughts as you're going to the ground. I'm one of these. And I know this is on video. We're at a gas station. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're at a gas station.

1:20:20Shane Gillis:LaMare has a nasty spill. It's on camera. Oh, really? It might be. Was it a slip and fall, LaMare? It was a drunk. It was more of a brewski tumble.

1:20:30Steve Rannazzisi:Damn.

1:20:30Shane Gillis:It was a drunk fall.

1:20:31Steve Rannazzisi:Damn, dude.

1:20:32Shane Gillis:It was.

1:20:33Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, no, it's painful for the ego. It's painful. Like, my hip is killing me. Yeah. I landed on my hip.

1:20:38Shane Gillis:It sucks. That hurts. Yeah, hard. Did you go home and tell your wife about it? Oh, right away.

1:20:44Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah. Because I'm like, I got to tell her before. This could be America's Funniest Home Videos on Sunday for all I know. I got to get her know. I can't be the last person to let her know that this could happen. And plus, I love to complain. I'm like, you're never going to. Because right away, I turned to that guy. I'm like, you got to ice this, man. I mean, you got to salt this area. Are you crazy? Of course. What if I was an old lady? I'm like, you broke my streak today, dude. I haven't fallen in 11 years.

1:21:10Joe List:Down in my head, I'm not falling.

1:21:11Shane Gillis:Oh, it's coming for you. I'm telling you.

1:21:14Steve Rannazzisi:I don't know. I mean walking around the streets in New York. How do you not like slip and fall all the time?

1:21:19Joe List:Well, I had a horrible incident years ago. The movie Gone Girl came out. I don't know what year that was. Maybe it was 10 years ago or something like that. And my wife and I went and saw it like it was like the first night. We both had read the book and loved it. So we were like, all right, here we go. And it was sold out. It was like when movies would sell out. And I went to piss or whatever. We were sitting in the middle and I was coming back in. And somehow I just tripped on someone's foot or leg and I couldn't recover. and I touched every single part. I was like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

1:21:47Joe List:Like it was full Kramer. Like I spun and then tripped over the next person and I just, and everyone was like, oh, go, go. And I finally like rolled into my seat. Like you couldn't have blocked it out better for a movie.

1:21:58Steve Rannazzisi:It's like impromptu parkour.

1:21:59Matt McCusker:You're like, all of a sudden you're like finding the, I'll find the next step when I have to.

1:22:03Steve Rannazzisi:It was horrible.

1:22:04Joe List:And like you could hear the buzz like down the road being like this motherfucker. And my wife was like dying laughing. Like crying. She's still, it's like the funniest thing ever to her, but it was humiliating. I stepped on every foot, touched every fucking dick. It was crazy.

1:22:18Steve Rannazzisi:My aunt was on the city bus one time. She's a big lady and she's not, she's not like, she's not confrontational at all, but she was standing up, the bus driver, she goes, the bus driver took off way before and she fell on this black lady and just sat there and she goes and she stayed. She was so embarrassed. She just laid there. She didn't try to get up. She just laid to the next stop and the lady's like, you got to get off of me. What is wrong with you? and she's trying to push my hand and my hand's like this i can't yet i have to wait till the bus stops dude she just continued to lay on this woman personal space not an issue that's so fucking

1:22:51Shane Gillis:yeah dude of all the people to land on dude just this woman is like she was like you gotta get up

1:22:57Steve Rannazzisi:and she's like i can i have to wait till the bus stops like a weeple wobble she's just laying on the fucking lady's lap dude it's just that black lady going into work and you won't believe it

1:23:07Shane Gillis:White lady was laying on me.

1:23:09Steve Rannazzisi:I know.

1:23:10Shane Gillis:Goddamn white lady thought you could sit on me. Oh, dude, here's LaMare. Good job, man. Here we go. Oh, there's Gardini coming in. Oh, no, someone had a little edit. Oh, this is you, Gardini.

1:23:34Joe List:That is tremendous.

1:23:38Matt McCusker:Yo! Oh! Whoa! He landed!

1:23:42Steve Rannazzisi:Yeah, he owned it. Nice job, LaMare. Way to own that. That's a 10.0 for the dismount right there. Great edit.

1:23:49Shane Gillis:Way to stick the landing on that one. Beautiful. God damn it, Gardini.

1:23:53Steve Rannazzisi:That was good stuff. Nice job, dude. No ice. Just dripped over your own fucking feet. Were you alright? Nothing to blame. I was hurt for like a week.

1:24:00Shane Gillis:Yeah, dude.

1:24:02Steve Rannazzisi:I'm telling you.

1:24:02Shane Gillis:There was also like a little... You did like a little hop up the curb, which is the best part. He did a little like hop and then just completely roll.

1:24:09Joe List:That little like, I got this shimmy shake and then boom, straight to the ground. Well, that's the problem with the future. There's no falling anonymously. No, that's what I'm saying.

1:24:17Shane Gillis:Anything that happens is... Yeah.

1:24:19Joe List:Yeah.

1:24:19Shane Gillis:True. We're living in a panopticon. That's the term for that. What is it called? Panopticon. I learned so much. I find it laborious. It's not easy. It's work. Well, goddamn, dude. I think we did it, man. You guys, thank you so much for doing this. No worries.

1:24:37Matt McCusker:This is great, dude. I had a blast. I mean, my legs hurt. I know. I can't wait to sit down. Hey, man. We'll go take a nap. We do it different down here. This is beautiful, though. Do you give this away?

1:24:47Shane Gillis:You can have it, yeah, if you want it.

1:24:51Joe List:That's awesome, man.

1:24:52Shane Gillis:I'll give you another reprint. Yeah, why not?

1:24:54Joe List:Is this a famous painting?

1:24:56Shane Gillis:Yeah, it's one of them. I don't know anything about art. I just want it like the weirdest. Classy? Yeah, like that's. That's Jesus, I think. Yeah, that's a dark rainbow. That one, I like that kind of stuff.

1:25:09Steve Rannazzisi:What's this, the Suclidean Chapel?

1:25:11Shane Gillis:You know, I don't know shit about art. I don't know.

1:25:14Matt McCusker:Something. There's a lot of naked kids in this fucking one back here.

1:25:20Steve Rannazzisi:They're all the rage right now. Yeah, why not?

1:25:23Shane Gillis:I'm trying to keep up with the biz.

1:25:26Matt McCusker:I think we solved a lot of issues. Are we still on? No, yeah. I'm not looking at my phone.

1:25:30Shane Gillis:What do you guys have anything you want to promote?

1:25:32Steve Rannazzisi:Oh, yeah. SteveRanisEasy.com, stand-up dates. I'm going to Key West Comedy Club in April. I'll be in Backroom Comedy Club in Toronto next month.

1:25:43Joe List:Yeah, check it out. Yeah, I'm doing a big UK-Ireland thing. Belfast, Dublin, London, adding a show. Glasgow and Bristol. Bristol? Yeah. Connecticut? No. Pennsylvania. Dublin, Ireland, and Bristol, Connecticut. I'm going Glasgow, Bristol, Connecticut. Weird routing, but yeah. And I don't know. Yeah, punchuplive.com. I got a movie on there, all that stuff. Specials on YouTube.

1:26:10Matt McCusker:Fourth of July is great. You should see that. Yeah, thank you.

1:26:12Joe List:Keep it out.

1:26:13Matt McCusker:All right. Thank you, guys. Awesome. Great.

1:26:18Shane Gillis:Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify.

1:26:21Matt McCusker:Do it.