Ep 607 - All Guys Welcome (feat. Sam Tallent & Shawn Gardini)

25:39Shane Gillis:no no well i uh i recently did like a very gen z kind of show it was uh if you laugh you leave and that was like i got there and oh there okay well that's kind of like that i'm not gonna lie but you could put it in your butt when you get a tail it's just like one yeah just boom right in the back and you can see them like you know if their kids act up being like you've had enough fun dip and just fucking whapping them with it you can't beat with your brain I need more buddy's pizza the uh the crowd was for real like there was a furry in the crowd there was like gay guys dressed as like count dracula it was they were all like wearing like typo negatives it was fucking it's like yeah it was just weird man it was like it was like young young very internet kind of internet heavy kids that were just like dressed bizarrely dude like they were dressed like sprites and like fairies it was really fucking weird yeah and they were just like they looked like anytime you would say anything like slightly they weren't like super sensitive but they would just be like oh if you would say anything like kind of weird or fucked up well their filter is just like their entire life they've just been like in this pool of like human shame and how to identify it yeah it's like young people and they like when you hit him with a joke they're like trying to like turn it into like the neutrinos of how to be mad at you i feel you know like it's just like going through this like sieve and it's like dissipating across their face yeah like okay he said trans and i'm not gonna listen to the rest of the joke yeah yeah it's bizarre dude you're like what does this mean about me they're like i do the meet and greets like after all the shows and sell the merch and i see the kids come up and they're getting so young yeah i don't know why it must be like kill tony or like whatever it is i always try and figure it out like they're so young and they're stoked and like they're stoned as fuck yeah and they come up and they're like all right you're like okay then they put my fucking armpit on their shoulder and take a picture and they can't say a word yeah kids man i get a lot of i get like a decent amount of coke bros yeah yeah a lot of coke you cut they come up and their pupils are like that big like dude that was amazing dude me and my boy have this business dude it's fucking crazy you gotta check it out yeah and they went to the bathroom three times during the show yeah dude i hate the guys who go to the bathroom they're clearly geeked on either ket or coke and then at the merch line they're like bro that was the best and it's like you were gone for 22 minutes you weren't in there you're in the bathroom with three of your friends right half my set and the only person who's aware of it and secretly mad is me the man your compliment the man you paid to see i watched the whole thing yeah no you didn't dude that uh yeah that that thing you're talking about of like people being completely disconnected from reality and having like no basis to like uh like the pathos and whatever ethos i'm reading a book right now by this guy alistair uh mcintyre okay it's called after virtue and he wrote it like i think in the 60s and he basically goes back so here this is the it starts off it's crazy so he this is his thing it's called like the the big problem and he was like imagine a world where like something bad happens and we just completely dismantle science we're like fuck science fuck scientists we kill scientists we burn all the labs down so science has been completely eradicated okay it's no more and then library of alexandria burnt down worldwide exactly and then every and then we come you know a few hundred years later people go ah fuck yeah that's actually maybe that wasn't the problem let's let's fire science back up but all they're left with are like the book the broken pieces of what science once was so they're like resurrecting bits and pieces of this once like comprehensive body of knowledge and then they all they can do is try to use the bits and pieces to basically gain themselves an advantage.

29:08Shane Gillis:It's like a half understanding of a thing. And they try to use those to basically promote their own kind of genders. So it's kind of like me having any argument with anyone. I have like three shards. And I'm like, well, actually, I saw a 30-second video that said different. And he goes, that's where we are with moral debate now. We've completely shattered the foundation of it. And it's just people with bits and pieces who have feelings, who just want to be right and want you to agree with them. And he's like, that's just kind of where we're at. I mean, Hitler was really good at that, too. He was nasty.

29:37Yeah, like all those guys who like moved people to commit awful were really good at fucking moving the crowd. Yeah. Communicating without any kind of like logic behind it. And it's literally people looking and being like, that guy's good. Yeah, I like that guy. I'm going to vote for that guy. He's loud. He's screaming. Oh, yeah.

29:53Shane Gillis:But that was his whole thing. He like takes all these like big debates in our time and he's like, we'll never get to the bottom of them. Like he's like abortion. He's like, it's just two different people being like, well, let me let me tell you the facts of the matter. or I'm objective here. You're complete. And they, and people to sit there and argue and event essentially go, the arguments like you're a piece of shit. And if you agree with me, you'd be good. Right. It's just like, that's, that's what we're left. You try to scold them into agreeing with you, which is historically one of the worst ways to move the needle at all.

30:20Yeah. Is to try and demean and make small.

30:22Shane Gillis:Yeah. Now the book, the book is cool. He, basically taught, he's like the, the, from his, you know, point of view. And it's, it's like really complicated. I had to get like a book about the book to understand it. because it is kind of like dense. You're listening to like the Succession podcast after the episode. For your book. Pretty much. Yeah. But he's like, it goes so far back to where like, he was like, we've had like a series of things happen within like, you know, from like Aristotle all the way to postmodernism at like points where we like, we, you know, we ditched the Aristotle point of view, which I don't fully understand, but it's more or less just like a guy who's like undogmatic about like, you know, he doesn't have like influences of the church.

31:02Shane Gillis:just like the ancient Greeks looking around like what is the sickest thing I could do for myself that would increase the stoke for the collective and myself at the same time yeah then you have the church come in it's like well dude if you come you're evil right so then everyone got this like weird thing where they're like oh the what's good is like kind of an external authority that I have to kind of obey and then that got shattered to where it's like no man just do whatever you feel right so now you're just you have these like completely kind of unrelated contextless people just like having emotional reactions and trying to like police others to like regulate their own emotions yeah trying to control this world it's complete chaos yeah and like we all have our own reality that originates from this thing yeah and then we're just like little nation states wandering around bumping into people yeah you know it's like there's no community there's no connectedness it's really scary i was telling him to fucking join a bowling league i think or no it was that dylan kid i was like get back to bowling bro yes we need to find something that's that's kind of that's kind of the thing he's like we got to strip it down to like the smallest tiniest communities and get those things to work and then from there you can kind of branch out because he's like pretty much the tenants of anarchy but yeah pretty much i love you you love systems of coercion but it's funny he's basically like we're so far gone that even like like the the things have become so distorted that even if you like go to school for philosophies like you're basically just kind of jerking yourself off because the tools you're using are just like just complete chaos none of it makes sense there's no context to anything it's just like regurgitating facts that some other guy And it's also funny because like in philosophy, like there's no truths, you know, it's like people like arguing for their like objective truth or whatever.

32:32So it's like kind of like with comedy where you're like, how do I like make it in comedy? And there's like no playbook whatsoever. And we're all just like kind of chasing this like imaginary tale. Well, you post your episode every day at 2 p.m.

32:42Shane Gillis:on Wednesday. And that gets the algorithm. A hundred percent. It gets juiced. Yeah. But no, it's exactly that. Well, I was I was envious of you last night when you said that you spent Easter with your neighbors and that some of your neighbors came to the show. because like i'm not at all like entrenched in my neighborhood at all yeah despite like some legitimate effort you know like going to the community center like all this shit like outside waving to people everyone's walking their dog with headphones on like yeah even when they're out on your city sidewalk you can't still like engage with the people who live three minutes away and uh it's very frustrating and i think that a lot of people are just like completely alone and disconnected and then they have like a girlfriend or a boyfriend and they like cling on until it dies like lenny from mice and men you're like crushing the one thing that loves you and sees you as who you are and then you get mad at them because they make you feel like a baby sometimes i don't need you i don't need anyone then you're just the joker yeah there's a bunch of us that are just the joker out there yeah and that's what i want to talk to you about is this like initiative that i want to do oh yeah help these dudes these fucking dead-eyed dudes i see at the merch table who are like you know doing pharmaceuticals they get online to enjoy the comedy show with the guy they really like yeah the one time we come to their town and they still have to be fucked up at the show not just booze but it's like a variety of things yeah like completely whacked out yeah yeah well i will say the neighborhood cohesion that's all my wife she's very like she's very outgoing and friendly and she we were there for like a year and then she had already had like she joined this group it's like the you know like the like a mom group of like our neighborhood and next thing i know we would have like 20 people at our house all going out together it's really nice yeah i play basketball now it's like we play basketball every that's what i want i want to like play pickleball i want to play bocce play pick you know yeah Bocce, you need a sick hat for Bocce.

34:23I have a sick hat. All I have is the sick hat. What would you go with?

34:26Shane Gillis:Bowler, fedora? No, dude. I have like a big, like, almost like yaoman farmer, like an Asian, but not really. Like a Mongolian step hat. Oh, that's awesome. It has like a crazy braid under here and I tie it off and it's like a scarf. I just look like a widow in the South, you know? Like I should be in a rocking chair. But I want to put that gear on and hit the Bocce pit. And you should. That's kind of bullshit you can't, honestly. Well, I could go play by myself like a psycho in my big hat. and then no one's going to want to play with me if they see me alone. Might be Field of Dreams. He's like, oh, he got early onset Alzheimer's.

34:55Shane Gillis:You'd have one guy be walking his dog, and he'd go home, put on his fedora, and take every ounce of courage, and you'd walk up and be like, hey, man, you mind if I toss those balls? Just a bunch of guys who had a hat they'd been waiting to wear, and then they'd see me, and they're like, that's the spark. He's the change he wants to see. Yeah, man. I'm also coming around on this fat guy thing. I think it's kind of cool that fat people are like, you know what? Fuck you. It's hard for me. I'm going to be fat. I'm tired of being told I'm fat. I'm fat bodied. I'm not obese. That's a medical term. Get the fucking calories off soda.

35:25You look at that yourself. I don't want to see that. And like fat people, for the most part, are either like really funny or like have never said a funny thing ever. So it's really hard to like know which one you're dealing with because I'll see a fat guy like in public and be like, all right, this guy's going to do something. And then he's just like, yeah, I have to go to bed, bath and beyond again. It's so true. My sheets are yellow.

35:45Shane Gillis:it's either the funniest guy ever or it's just like not at all well it's because as a really fat kid you learn how to be funny to get along and defend yourself or you just like take it and bullet sponge and become harder and harder while you're getting softer and softer and then like you know you have to go to college and interact with people and you're like i'm not fat you have like a breathing device it's like yeah fat people take it back bro what's what's the idea what's what's the dealing with a fat like problem too i'm having identity crisis because i still feel like i need to be there for my fat brethren yeah but also like kind of show them like a path towards because like i had a lot of identity involved in being a fat guy yeah it's like not just the fact that like i was fat it was like well now i'm a fat funny guy who has like a little bit of a public life so i lose this weight like what clown am i it's a comedy mech suit right and then you're 36 saying what clown am i and you're like fuck this is all gone like i'm so beyond anything that makes sense i'm just gonna like try and lose some weight so i can you know see my niece graduate or whatever yeah no i think you're rocking it i think you're i get it though that would yeah if i was i can't turn my back on them no the fats no you can't those are my guys yeah you can't and i'm still with them and i get on stage and talk about weight loss and like i see him out there and i want him to know like i'm not talking to you big fat guy yeah no i that makes sense though you never want to turn your back on the fats i would never turn my back on the fats i'd like i do like teasing the fats of course and they like getting teased yeah they've been teased true yeah but yeah no that's that's very important you know what what was your idea for the young men that are oh so dude i was talking to i i drove here from houston yesterday and like when i drive alone that's the only time i like actually think like i disassociate like you most of the time but i'm in a car by myself i put on this american life until i can't hear it anymore yeah and then i'm just like alone with my thoughts you talk to yourself uh yeah for sure yeah but it's always like someone else is talking and i'm like who said that you know like i'm so down in the rabbit hole in my own ass but dude so So we have all these young dudes out there who have pretty much been told, hey, fellas, you ran the world.

37:46It's broken. We're taking you off the shelf. It's great. Let someone else have the ball. They'll fuck it up. We'll be back probably. Because ultimately, there's a lot of like, when you knock everything off the shelf, which is created by capitalism, of course, that's the shelf. You have all these shards. And right now, it's mostly straight white guys who are in shards. And society at large is like, hey, good. Be shards for a while. so there's this like schadenfreude of like hey actually like shut up and listen so like just be worms for a while so while they're down there they're eating dirt and they're metastasizing you know and they're like spreading this disease and it's like i really think that someone has to give a shit about these guys who have been told that like they're the reason the world is fucked because like you know dudes sean's age like they were told like go to college get a job you'll own a house yeah the american dream is yours that's completely ripped in shreds there's no american dream anymore so you have all these dudes that like just go deeper deeper online and get meaner and meaner and like you know more galvanized and it's the echo chamber and i'm thinking if we could get some of these dudes together at some kind of like i've been saying white guy conference you know which is bad like yeah it's like hey we're gonna go into white guys together in oklahoma city and you know get it together but i think if we could like throw some kind of like actual face-to-face event where we go in with people not like that we haven't figured out but like you're admirable you've done a lot of looking inward you have a psychology degree you care about people social work social work excuse me and it's like last night on stage you said you were like uh you know i'm worried about everyone all the time i have a huge heart i have the same thing where it's like i want to be the sin eater for all these kids who are sad so it's like if we can get them together and just like have radical honesty and talk about the things and have like joe list do a symposium on like sobriety or like rainy on like not being a pussy like all these dudes that like kind of are trying to get better and just exhibit this behavior in a place without any phones or booze probably in the middle of the country yeah i think we could actually like send these dudes back with some tools to not like shoot up the mall because we're just if we can negate like one woman flinching when her husband walks into the room true we've done our job that's true a

39:55Shane Gillis:symposium would be nice i would like a nice symposium dude you go you have your thing it's You don't have to be funny. You're going to be funny because you can't help it. But like you got your fucking presentation. You get up there for an hour. And then afterward, we can talk to these dudes. We can have little like break off groups where it's like if you want to work on stuff specifically, like we could moderate those. And I don't have any kind of like background on this, but I do care. And I want to help because like I've been doing stand up for 20 years and it's like not boring, but like what's the next juice?

40:22Like how can I actually be of service? Because I have a platform. I see the kids at the merch line. I see the hope in their eyes. but nothing curdles or it becomes more corrosive than dead hope yeah the dead ambition and we got to get in there and the scars of them and the wounds and like clear out all that dead debris so like they can heal bro we got to be gardens they can grow in that'd be sick because right now we just like provide them some shit that's escapism that's great that's not service we're this is not altruistic we're benefiting off of this i'm trying to sell my tickets you know sean needs new tires yeah so it's like i'm not trying to pretend that what i do when i go on stage is emancipating them from their actual problems but like i would like to like try and help more yeah the only way i think i can do it is to be like be able to fucking touch them you know tell them like hey man it's not your fault like sorry your dad was mean you know or like be like it is your fault and let's fucking fix it yeah i'm just thinking how we can monetize this well you know you started five thousand dollars ahead all right yeah we

41:19Shane Gillis:cap it at a thousand dude i would love to do a symposium that'd be really nice the prime here's the problem the the things like this that exist yeah that get self-promotional look so fucking brutal yes the manosphere i want to call it i want to call it returning to the odium turn the odium you know the odium no the odium was like the the roman idea of work was looked down upon like we're in this whole like thing of like hustle grind like work 20 hours a day like that's what a man does they look down on that like what a man's ultimate pursuit was was like to try and like better himself learn create art like luxuriate reflect not luxury but like have time to reflect dude you're talking this is a return to aristotle this is what mcintyre is talking about i'm saying return to odium that's what we're trying to build that's fucking tight and it's just like if we can give them the tools to not be mean to their boss at work who is a dickhead yeah or at least try and like take a breath before you fucking pop off at that next meeting yeah you know before you fucking spike the can of liquid death because you killed for an hour except for one second.

42:22Shane Gillis:I fucking flubbed the last line on my closer last night and I was walking off stage. I had my liquid death and I was for real about to just fucking hurl it down the steps and there's like a camera right there and I'm like, bro, I can't be on camera. Spazzing. So I squeezed it. I squeezed it. Just absolute spaz. He comes in the green room and he was like, I fucked up the last line. I was like, yeah make sure you focus on that instead of the other 99.9 that's also what i would do which is true i would for sure get off and like i wouldn't i couldn't even go in the green room i'd be in the stairwell like well i do like to get back to the green room as fast as possible just because i love it dude like damn you're already back and i'm like yeah dude i moved pretty fucking quick multiple fish to fry but i'm still stewing so you want people to think you're a wraith or like nightcrawler vampire speed you want a vampire show and they're like yeah that's what i want I was like, damn, do you have vampires to be in?

43:17I'm so funny to get off stage and be like, just run to the green room to impress Kurt Metzger with how quick you are. That's all I had left.

43:24Shane Gillis:I was like, I flubbed the clothes and I got to be fast. That's all I had left. It was the second to last word you said, too, that you fucked up. I know. I know. I was telling him, I was out there watching him last night getting real stoned with Butterly up on the balcony. And I was watching and I was like, dude, that's my friend. And all these people are here to see him. And he's really good at his job. and I'm up here in like the coolest comedy club and I can smoke weed in here. Like life is so cool. Yeah. Just like a moment when you like connect with what's actually happening instead of like the facade of it.

43:54So anyway, dude, that's my big pitch is I want to like try and help. That'd be nice. It's really nice. I worry that people won't appreciate it, though. I worry they're stuck in their ways. Well, and that's fine. But I do think the people who would actually take the trip to Oklahoma City, and we're not going to have it be 10 ,000 people. It's going to kind of be like skank fest for guys who like to do crafts. you know that'd be nice and we'll have a class on you know killing the voice in your head to call stuff gay that'll be a class i want to do one on ambition and it's just every slide says you will die one day and just be like so that's why i do stuff because i know this is going to happen and you might be thinking well i'll put it off and it's like well tomorrow this could happen to you and it will happen in the blink of an eye yeah next you will die yeah because it's It's like so easy to like actually use your time.

44:44Yeah. If you could just be shown like how much time you wasted on your phone on your deathbed. Or my new thing is if before like St. Peter like greets you, he's like, you want more life? Let's see how you used yours. And then it's like literally seven years of like you scrolling actual real time seven years. Oh, easily, man. I mean, I've gotten down to three hours a day and that's like, that was like major. That's huge. Yeah, so rocking, I think like six at least is like the baseline. Do you wake up and look at your phone immediately? Dude, that's like the big one I'm fighting right now. I do.

45:14Yeah. Just cortisol right away. The world's mad at you. Yeah. 40 emails you have to do. And I'm mad at them too. Yeah, yeah.

45:20Shane Gillis:I'll check the weather every now and again. But I typically don't get up and do phone right away. Well, you also have like kids. Exactly. So you have like priorities and shit. I wake up and I'm like. At the hotel. Oh, ticket counts aren't good in Phoenix. Dude, best story of my life. I hate it. Yeah. If I'm in the hotel by myself, that's when the phone rules. I'll like wake up and just be like. Oh, dude, if I'm in a hotel, bro, hit city skylines until I got to go to the show. On that laptop, putting in residential zones and watching it grow, bro. Hey, everyone, come see me live. Helium, April 8th in Atlanta.

45:53Come see me at Wits End Comedy Lounge, North Charleston. I'll be at Mic Drop in Detroit. The Comedy Nest in Montreal, Ottawa, Baton Rouge, Lafayette, New Orleans, Buffalo. Both Zanies, Madison, Dr. Grins. Get those tickets from Punch-Up Live. and if you wouldn't mind buying my pre-ordering my book my next novel's out September 22nd from Random House but I would like to get to 10 ,000 pre-sales so I can be a best seller and beat Mr. Beast and James Patterson that's what I'm talking about it's a sick book violent book of erotic revenge gay hitman in Paris doing one last job bro last 30 pages are just a violent onslaught phantasmagoria I'm really stoked on it it's pretty that's awesome man yeah I mean definitely

46:32Shane Gillis:definitely go see Sam live that last night was so fucking funny thanks man so definitely go do that And the book, the first book was awesome. I'm excited. I'm excited to read this. Me too, bro. I'm so stoked on this thing. And it's been my entire life for like a year. Hell yeah. Over it. Let's go. Yeah. Sean, what you got, bro? I'll be in Springfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City, and Cincinnati, Ohio in May. Please come see those shows if you can. And Optimum Noctis at the Creek in the Cave, the first and third Tuesday of every month. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, man. Thank you very much.

47:01Atta boy. SeanGardini.com.

47:03Shane Gillis:Well, guys, I'll be April 10th. I'll be at the Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, Minnesota. And then I'll be at Des Moines, Iowa on 411 the next day. And then here's the big ones, man. 417, Cursed, Phoenix, Arizona. I'll be at the Celebrity Theater. It's in the round. It's a 20th. That's the one Mitch Hedberg laid down on. What? He would lay down and they would just threw pills at him on stage and he would be circling and he would like see a pill and just eat it. What? Yeah, him, Sandhope, told me this story. That's like legendary spot, dude. Yeah. I think it slowly spins, dude. Does it? I thought so, yeah.

47:33I'm worried I won't complete the circle.

47:34Shane Gillis:I need to get the sales so I don't do it in the 270. I'm worried I won't get the full round going. I'll do it in the U. Brutal. That would suck. So, guys, please come to the Celebrity Theater. I'm going to hire seat fillers if you guys don't come. I'm going to buy all the seats so no one's there. Just leave a big block of no seats. Celebrity Theater, 417. That's going to be fun. And I also love the round. Yeah. I'm a pig for the round, actually. I've really come alive in the round. Guys, after that, 418, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. and then 515 I'll be in Toronto that'll be fun it's two shows and I believe they're going to be sold out so there might be a little bit of tickets on that last show comedy town yeah I'm excited for Toronto they've been showing me a lot of love unlike fucking bitch-ass Phoenix Arizona guys and then finally the Riviera Theater in Chicago Illinois that's going to be very fun I I love Chicago so come to that when are you there uh May 16th I'll be there what I'll be in town I'm at Zany's that weekend.

48:29What? I'll try and pop over. Oh, please do. Wait, wait. Wait, you're there the same way. Damn it. Go see Matt, everyone. No, Zany, dude. Go see Matt. Go see Matt. Please, that'll be awesome. Let's hang out. Yeah, dude. I think McCann's going to be around, too. I think McCann's there the 15th or something.

48:42Shane Gillis:Dude, that'll be awesome. Yeah, that'd be cool. Guys, Chicago, there's a comedy storm coming into Chicago. It's not just your babe. It's the best thing from that city. It's also the people who buy comedy tickets. That's true. That's right. There's a funny front moving in, dude. the wind stream broke nothing but giggles all across the midwest i'll be in tulsa okay get it let's get back to the show yeah i was brainstorming a a show idea i had a couple different ones but one of them was just an absolute like a crowd work blue man group where you just like five people just take the stage and it's just you just the whole time it's just like it's like you know like the crowd work guys have like headset oh yeah but there's five people at christopher titus yeah But it's five people at once just going nuts.

49:23Shane Gillis:And then it evolved. Doing crowd work all at once and you can hear every one of them speak? Yeah, simultaneously. But then it was like, you know what? No, not even that. What I want to do is do a live exercise class where it's comedians with headsets and you just scream at people exercising like a drill instructor. I did that yoga. I did. They brought me in one time in Denver to do like a sipping yoga thing. And they brought me in as like the fake yoga host. And I was like, that's a funny idea. That's a great idea. pays$40 sure who cares so I did it dude but I didn't know anything about yoga so people were just getting mad like people like this is their whole thing it's like they look forward to yoga all day at work and then there's a fat guy out there wearing short shorts and a headband being like why doesn't everyone do upward dog we're always doing downward dog and people are like what are you doing and they didn't know it was a prank because I thought I was a fat guy ruining their one thing that's a great idea yeah but I think if you told people that it was an exercise class hosted by comedians that'd be good i would i want to do a yoga class where i slowly you know you started because like a lot of the real kind of like og yoga instructors will start like hitting you with passages from like you know like ancient like the bhagavad gita or whatever that'd be nice to like start that way then slowly slide into like like militant is like like a big militant islam yeah try to sneak it in yeah just sneak it in slowly build like at the very end during like shavasana when they all lay there just be like and pakistan will rise again yeah death to the yeah that'd be kind of sick indians are dogs yeah yeah that'd be good now or you transition from that into like just pantera lyrics at the end you just like read stanzas from pantera it'd be nice to go into like heavy like black magic satanism oh yeah towards the very end lights go low and low you're completely nude at the end yeah like in anything no matter what you have to crush your opponents by any means necessary.

51:11Shane Gillis:Their blood is your reward. Blood for the blood god. You are the blood god. Get the marrow from the bone. Yeah, that'd be great. That'd be nice. I'd be, I mean. But I agree. I think it would be nice, man. That's kind of the, that was kind of one of the main things where it's like, yeah, you got to figure out something to do where it's like, well, you're basically, you are a social being, you know, more or less. You have to figure out a way to survive. It's our evolution. Exactly. Yeah. So, yeah, I think that would be nice to do a nice little symposium. And like, It would probably be a nightmare.

51:39And of course, as soon as I have to send two emails to find the hotel conference room, it'll be over for me. But we need to find a woman to plan this men's only retreat. I got one. We have type A babes. You can just stick the type A babes on it. Because if I tell my wife, she'll say, oh yeah, we should be helping white guys more. It's like, it's not just white guys. They're the ones who need the help. Well, here's the thing.

51:58Shane Gillis:You can title it Symposium for White Guys and probably a lot of Mexican guys and Indian guys. Black guys are welcome. That'd be a pleasant surprise. We'd love a black guy. That would be really cool. We're going to have a black speaker. Asterisk. Gay guys. Butterly was like, what about gay guys? And I was like, oh, yeah. Let's get some gay guys in there. They got their own problems. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not like, I don't know, dude. I just feel like when you can't figure out your own shit, it's a lot easier to either go inward or you can help other people. So I feel like when you're at this depression, this ruined state that a lot of people are in, exhausted, no dignity, everyone's mad at them.

52:34It's like, teach them how to help other people. And I think we can just like plant these little seeds that like go back to like fucking Bristol, Tennessee. And, you know, next thing you know, there's four nice dudes in Bristol, Tennessee. It's like we're going to fix everything, dude. But like if people actually want to do the work, I think we could bring them together.

52:50Shane Gillis:I think so. I think, yeah, I think that'd be actually a, it'd be a nice thing. Either way, it'd be a very fun event if you got to go to a sort of symposium. And it was a bunch of people, a bunch of comedians and stuff. And it's not like scholars. No. It's not people who are going to bore you or like impress you with their bona fides. It's just like me up there. dude like hey guys i'm not that great but like i've done some stuff and here's how i've achieved it and it's just like picture of my mom in her casket you know so i remember this and uh then i put my phone away and i work on my book because i'll be in there and i'll be in there so soon and you'll all be in there so soon yeah we don't even exist if you look at time we're an anomaly true we were never here dude that's a uh that'd be cool i think that'd be a lot of fun dude getting do like a 45 minute powerpoint on just like i'm gonna try to boil down anything that i think is like a use that's been useful to me and putting it that'd be so fun and it'd have to be headset my only condition is headset mics unbuttoned all the way i'm right here bro i'm up there like this naked dude we all have to be nude at this thing yeah radical honesty means being nude yeah like it's like no like you know was was in this vein that was my i was trying to figure out how you take the aana model right instead of like you don't need to be like smoking crystal meth it's just for everybody because apparently it works for a lot of people i think i think it works maybe if you can apply that kind of shit to people who don't have substance issues yeah like i think it might help even more i think that was i was always trying to do that but it is difficult it's like kind of hard to wrangle everybody symposium could be the move though also it is gay like that's the issue it's like trying to help people and say like hey i want to be like the sin eater for the world is like ultimately a very embarrassing cringe thing but like we need to return to sincerity we need to embrace earnestness we've made a living with irony and like you know not taking anything seriously and now i just think that i really want to like tap into some i don't know searching truth that kind of thing it's so bizarre because that's all we have is beauty that's the whole that's the whole point of that book i'm reading it's literally it's more or less that's like one of the major points is you know it's a weird you know one of those things it just kind of syncs up but yeah that's crazy you're very smart and admirable and i would love to have you involved in this project i would love it'd be awesome sick i'm pretty dumb though sean you're not allowed yeah you're the enemy of progress i have nothing to offer you'd be in there wasted that's what i've been thinking about this whole time is that i have i don't think i have anything to offer these people you could be like a youth passer yeah yeah you could just take like 16 year olds rock and roll i don't know guys talk about cigarettes you should probably learn like editing software that could be useful for you yeah it'd be really funny to like build up for like three days of like progress like men crying breakthroughs and then have sean be like the keynote speaker on the last day and just ruin everything that that is that that's the thing that's the uh that is the how it's like the tough thing because the it's such a nice thing and it like i if you're being genuine you're like yeah that is like that's good and then you just see someone film it and put it out and you're like that sucks and i do i think it's like no cameras no booze yeah no i don't think you can have booze at this thing i think we'll have shuttles it'll drive you to whatever airport hotel bar is nearby.

55:56Like, we'll make it easy for you to have a fun time with your new friends. Yeah. But like, we can't be there fucking addled on our phones. Obviously, people will be stoned. Yeah. Me included. Yeah, that's right. We're going to hang out with you and Butterly for three days. Yeah.

56:08Shane Gillis:I actually did want to ask you. So you have your last, whenever I talk to you, you have the weed really dialed in. I'm trying, bro. Yeah. So what like progress have you made with that in terms of finding like specific types of weed that agree with you and all this stuff? I thought live rosin was like the key, but it's actually the terp profile. Do you know about terps? Like all the shit that makes it smell that way? So like you have all these different terps and based on the weeds that I like and the weeds that I don't like, like I can't smoke headband and, you know, or I can't smoke lemon haze.

56:35Then you find out like limelene is an active terp in there. And then the stuff I do like has like mercine and linalool. So now I'm like looking back through like all these strains and like following the genetics all the way back to find out like what the mother plants are. and it turns out that like cookies, runts, like all these sweet things work for me. But like mangoes don't work because they have too much lysine or whatever it is. So it's just kind of being aware of what strains work for you and then like trying to like actually get to like the turp profiles of that. And that's to avoid like a bug out basically.

57:04Total bug out, yeah. Like I can't have like Durban poison. Yeah. But I love Durban poison. But every third time I smoke Durban poison, I'm like under the couch like a dog in a thunderstorm. Freaking out. Yeah, like freaking out, calling my wife at work. Like I'm having a heart attack. She's like, did you hit the puff co? I'm like, that has nothing to do with this It's one in the afternoon. Who would be high on live rosin right now? I woke up an hour ago. I was no way I'm high. That's blueberry blueberry Anything is like good for me. Me too. I have the blueberry

57:29Shane Gillis:I'm good if I had there's certain ones I have where I'm like, I'm schizophrenic now for like 30 minutes because like I'm like you were It's like I understand that like weed is a drug Yeah, like I still want it to be a part of my life because I'm not on like SSRIs or anything Exactly. It was like all these people who are like you need to be high it's like no but like i'm taking a thing that like makes me able to engage with reality a little bit easier yeah well i just i like i'll i'll like take weed out of the the mix because you know i'll like bug out or i'll be like i don't even need it and then i put it back in and i'm like yeah i kind of need this in my system a little bit all the time and that could be like 2.5 milligrams of an edible bro yeah like they're like i'm like i don't know i thought you had to smoke the whole eighth in 24 hours for most of my life yeah or it's like if you get a thousand milligram bar it's like well I'll eat this and just deal with it.

58:12Just bug out. Yeah, I'll just be on drugs. Yeah.

58:14Shane Gillis:Because I think it's weed. I've run the experiment. And it's like, if I go off of weed entirely, I can do it. It's really not hard. It's just like, I get very, I feel like serious. Yeah, yeah. It's weird. It's like a weird feeling. I get very just kind of like. I'm a man. I don't know what it is. Yeah. No, I get it too, bro. It's weird. Hard edged. Yeah. You know, and like, not as eager to be like giddy. Yeah. I don't know. Like all the bad stuff about weed, like I get it, but I think I just like need to be able to have it in my life. Yeah. Or else life isn't as much. I don't know. No, I need to be so hard.

58:50Shane Gillis:I need to have a little weed because I don't know. Otherwise, I just get like, I just get very serious. And I have like, I think genetically I have like salesman brain. So if I don't smoke weed, salesman brain takes over and I just become like a, I don't know, something in my head where I'm just like, I should do this. This is actually a very good idea. And I genetically have hobo brain. So when I'm not smoking weed, I just get like lost in these flights of fancy where I'm like, why don't we move to Peru? Like, why are we? We're all scared of like shit happening here. We go to Peru. Our money will go longer.

59:21My wife's like, are you stoned? And I'm like, actually, no. Yeah. This is me thinking clearheading. I think the move is relocating you, your sister, your mom, your grandma, our niece to Peru. I think that'd be best for us. The Andes Mountains. dude it'd be so great to like be able to live lives in so many different places yeah you're a big traveler well it's just like i know how limited the time here is yeah it's like i want to sample the delicacies of this thing called life bro and it's like and that's the issue of like being me is like i every every most of my thoughts are very gay you know like all the stuff that i love like i'm stoked to go home and like plant my flowers and like

59:58Shane Gillis:get my day lilies going don't get me started on gardening that's my that's my big one right now I like gardening too. I've seen you post your stuff. Your stuff's great, bro. Thank you, man. I got to get started again. Fired up. Get some peppers going. Because I think this is the last year we can grow stuff. Why that? Because the anomalies happening in weather, it's like the jet stream is breaking. So now weather's just going to break out of whatever tube it's kept in and make it 30 degrees in July or whatever. You think that's what happens soon? I don't know, dude. That's what the science is saying.

1:00:28Shane Gillis:Fuck, I'd be so pissed if my shit frost right now in the summer. that's that's because like they used to say you know you could plant like april 1st or whatever and now they're like wait till mother's day and now they're kind of like well if you can get it going whenever like you might have to beat a late frost but so it's just yeah that's where my what's your garden set up right now uh nothing right now because i haven't put it in yet but like gotcha uh i planted a bunch of trees last year first year so we got the trees and then this year it's like raised beds and yeah i want to have a cutting garden and then some like food and herbs but mostly i want to just grow beautiful flowers and like sit back there in my very expensive of chairs i bought from france again dude i mean i was this body was wasted on me i should not have been born like a huge straight guy i should be like a very gay like haitian dude just like wearing like you know like a head wrap remember like the vampire like the gay vampire from uh that was anna paquin's vampire show on hbo back in the day true blood true blood yeah remember the gay guy that should have been me who was the gay guy he was like the bartender oh okay black guy like very like caribbean wow yeah that was like the gayest guy for sure that should have been me yeah that guy you know i'm talking about no gay black he almost he would borderline cross-dress almost oh it was like he was a he was like if your dad like did an impression of a gay guy in blackface like that's who this guy was he had beautiful eyes oh he was great yeah he had beautiful eyes yeah yeah beautiful very effeminate eyes and like that's another thing it's like androgyny is attractive like all this stuff that i have it's like i cannot wait to go to the botanical gardens in atlanta on wednesday dude i will say there's something really nice about growing flowers i've been growing like rose bushes dude and they're driving you nuts oh my it's the best i love it when they know when they when they blossom i like i really i come down i come down every morning i check out my garden any new shoot or bud i see it i go dude this is fucking awesome anytime i see a new little thing i'm like oh i did that yeah me and nature yeah collab yeah man on this single cherry blossom bud especially when you get into like um creating like a real soil ecosystem where you're like i'm trying to really do like yeah like not i don't know if it's korean farming but it's just like using like you know mulch fertilizer like it takes like years to get it established and i see little bugs in my soil i'm like i did it dude ladybugs ladybugs we had pollinators last year because of the wildflowers my wife was like we have bees this is terrible and i was like we have bees this is this is what we need if we want the rest of this we need these guys yeah she's like chill my wife's always coming home like exhausted from being a doctor and i'm like hey check this out and i like take her out back to show her a new bud on the like papa tree and she's like can i change out of my scrubs and i'm like no quick i'll abort she comes home to a little boy who then wants to try to have sex with her later every day i've been i've been uh i've been game plan in this idea for like you know because if you have like a small backyard and you're limited but you want to try to live off your land i want to try to uh push the idea of people having uh i guess like single house but also like very efficient factory farming to where like you could have like a like a cow and like a lightless box in your backyard it's like a genetically like a clear you could like see its internal organs yeah it's like a box of headless chickens i want to take i'm going to take factory farming and democratize it to where like we could all have just a bunch of like weird like kfc it's like the island of dr mccusker it was just those are making me laugh at pitching that to people just having like a lightless box where you have like a starved veal calf they're like fattening with like grease yeah just like fryer grease just a tube into its mouth instead of like a big factory with a thousand of like eyeless chickens you could have like five in your backyard yeah just cloning them back there you can charge people to come look at them grind them into a pulp and eat them for your family oh dude the SWAT team would come to your house.

1:04:12There's a man creating abominations next door.

1:04:15Shane Gillis:I wouldn't be able to raise McDonald's chicken nugget chickens in my backyard. I would cut their vocal cords. They can't even make any of it. And their eggs are as big as your fist. And they're just back there saying, kill me, and chicken. And you're like, we're happy they are. That one's dancing. It's just covered in mites. It's covered in their own shit. Dude, I would love to have some kind of freaky animal menagerie in the backyard that you occasionally eat. And it's all science. It's all science. Right, yeah, yeah. You're on the cutting edge. For sure. Everyone will be doing this in 10 years.

1:04:46Saying that shit all the time, bro.

1:04:47Shane Gillis:It's like lab-grown meat. Yeah, yeah. That's all I'm talking about. I think that's not crazy. I would love to have eggs. Eggs would be nice. Eggs would be tight, dude. Duck eggs. Everyone's thinking, like, how can I go full natural? It's like, well, imagine if you can just go, like, full synthetic. Full on natural. Pump them with hormones. Just, like, all the... I put all the hormones in the cows. Or just, like, have an impossible meat machine, you know? You're, like, throwing coal in and putting nitrates. I would just have a cow just like suspend. I'd have like an oxygen tank just suspended in water.

1:05:12Shane Gillis:And I would just fatten it up slowly. Let it just get bigger. Hey, man. I know what you're talking about. I'm right there. You want like a big like fucking like gelatinous cube. There's a bunch of tubes going into a cow. And it's just like floating in there. Like the Wolverine tank. Yes, exactly. Yeah, it's Professor. Your weapon X with cows. Yeah. Yeah, I would slay that once a year. And I would have this clone take its place. Oh, for sure. And you could do that. Like not you for sure, but like someone could do that and implement that in the backyard. We're growing cows from seed. It would be so fun to go to like an organic farming symposium and just present that idea.

1:05:47Shane Gillis:Hamburger machine. Have them just walk out in disgust. So you plant these and it grows hot dogs. You can do this at the symposium we're throwing. That would be nice. Or you could have like a machine with like, you could like selectively breed Siamese twin like pigs. and then like you just keep kind of like somehow figuring out a clone, like a twin to grow out of another one. You kill the other one. You have two younger and you just continue. Like a Hydra, but with pork. But the problem would be getting a new. Muslims hate this one trick.

1:06:21Shane Gillis:That'd be the problem. You'd have to figure out how can you like have a new kind of embryo grow out of the Siamese twins. That would be the only problem. You just keep it going. That I can see. Yeah, everything else is pretty hard science. Just come out. You're like, look, it's growing another eyeball out of its side. Oh, nice. It's working. Your daughters are sitting there horrified. As you're just slowly going crazy and saving your urine and toenails. You feed them the pig. It helps it grow. It would be a lot better than having real pigs in your backyard. Yeah. Pigs are always biting you. You got to whip them with sticks.

1:06:52Shane Gillis:Dude, I want a pig so bad, dude. I want to keep your daughter's fingers away from that pig's dog. I know. Go bite. We had a pig in our backyard that was super horny, and it would hump. It had a Swedish exercise ball, and it would hump it, and jizz on the ball. Like H Foley in that story he told. But yeah, no, I recently read Lonesome Dove. Oh my God. Dude, I'm so sold on having like a nice shoat. Can they call pigs shoats? I'm like, I want one so bad. Sit on my porch and just sit there and look at my shoats eating like snakes and shit. Dude, Lonesome Dove. You can do a thing where, I don't know if this is like actually a viable idea, but you can rent goats to go clear land for people.

1:07:30Shane Gillis:yeah i would love to have just like five goats that i could just ran out to people let them just munch all the poison ivy and shit on their way yeah eat the kudzu yeah they'll eat everything you would like to be a shepherd i think i do i've said it before i would love to be a shepherd that's honestly my ideal job i honestly think they're like maybe genetically like you're talking about like how your salesman brain like i think that there's something in me that needs to be just like don't have an address i was telling you on the way over it's like you were saying you know australia you like had a weird time yeah i'm like yeah if i'm home for seven days i kind of wig out yeah so like i can't like be still and i think that there's some kind of like nomadic like just calling in my blood bro and it's not good for shepherding be nice shepherd's great dude you just like dress like an iman you have a big crook you're eating weird pies a woman hands you every now and then you don't have to say a word for days you have to fight the wolf off the wolf yeah or you have a cool dog true you have a good dog what i've heard i i was uh i was at a kid's birthday party recently and they had like the petting like the ponies and horses you can go Were you doing stand-up?

1:08:30Shane Gillis:No, no, no. I was attending. I was having fun just attending. And the guy, and again, I just read Lonesome Dove, so I'm just so horny for cowboy knowledge of boy animals. You're calling stuff caliche? This guy, he's sitting there. I'm starting, I'm talking mules with this guy who's from the horse farm. And I'm just really happy to be there with a native Texan. And he was like, well, you know how you get rid of wolves, right? And I was like, no, how? Just like, please. I would have sucked this guy's dick to him. And he was like, get a couple good donkeys. They'll trample that wolf underneath the donkey's hooves.

1:09:04Shane Gillis:And I had to just be like, what do they do? And he's like, they'll fucking trample a wolf right to death. And I was like, fuck, I'm so happy I know that. Yeah, I'm sitting there like, uh-uh, yeah, dude. But he was just like, yeah, you get a donkey, man. Could you think you would stand fucking a donkey stomping on you? I was like, absolutely not. Fuck no, sir. No, sir, I wouldn't. No, sir, I would die immediately. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, just like knowing that, I'm like, that's so cool. You know that donkeys will stop on a wolf and you can just like rest assured. would be like, well, I got my donkeys, so I was going to trample a wolf.

1:09:28Shane Gillis:Donkeys are fine, yeah. So I want to fact check that, but it's also, I almost don't want to. You're going to see a lot of upsetting videos on either side. Yeah, true. Either a donkey getting munched or a wolf getting pummeled. But he's like, yeah, you get two good donkeys, man. You don't have to deal with wolves. And I'm like, fuck, that's so sick you know that. Yeah. Well, mules are fucking, I think mules are also like capable. I think donkeys and mules were like sacrificial, like you kept the oxes safe probably. What do you mean? Well, it's like if you're like thinking about like the farm animals or like the agricultural like pack animals.

1:09:59Dispensable. Yeah, I think mules most dispensable and then donkey and then like horse and then like ox maybe. Yeah. I don't know. That is a mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey, right? Yeah, but it can't breed. It can't breed yet. My grandma's people raised mules in New Mexico and like they all had like mule skin shoes and shit and like ate mule stew. Yeah.

1:10:19Shane Gillis:Fuck. Yeah, I know. That's awesome. I try to talk about it on stage. People think I'm lying. My grandma's from a place called Wagon Mound. And I say, those are my people. Mule ghouls from Mountain Town. And people are like, you just wanted to say that. So it's all a lie. So you can say that dumb phrase. They think you're stealing mule trader valor? 100%. That's fucking bullshit. I know. That would piss me off. Hey, man. It's just another day in the life of a Latino. True. I come from Cowpoke. Yeah. Do you really? Yeah, my grandma and my grandpa met at a rodeo. They used to ride horses in the show.

1:10:49My grandpa was a cowboy. You remember my grandma who worked at the ranch? Robert and Roberta? Bobby and Bobby Jean. Wow. God damn it. I have no cowboy fucking shit in my blood at all. It sucks. Yeah, but you guys have probably some maritime knowledge. You guys are probably at sea. My dad is nasty with boat knots. I got none of that. He's very nasty with them, actually. I'd meet your dad, much like you met that donkey stomping wolf guy, and I'd be like, tell me more, sir. I'm being dipping myself.

1:11:14Shane Gillis:He would talk. You could talk boat knots for hours. Yeah. Actually, I'm pretty jealous of his knot abilities. when a man knows the exact knot i'm like fuck i didn't learn anything my entire life dude he's nice with that and also like trees is like tree identification like that's a silver birch that's that it's like dude how do you fucking know all this shit i said recently my wife i want to see a tree and be able to tell you what kind it is yeah and she was like please go to bed i'm just hitting her with this gay barrage constantly meanwhile she's like a dude effectively i've been doing that with uh with like ducks because we have a pond near my house yeah it's In the neighborhood, they call it a lake.

1:11:50Shane Gillis:It's just a giant pond, but they have all these different ducks. I've taken pictures of all of them. I use my phone and I identify them, and I just memorize it as hard as I can. I'm just always waiting to flex duck knowledge. The other day, we were up there, and one of my wife's friends were like, those one duck's look crazy. I'm like, that's a Muscovy. Praying an Egyptian goose would walk into the scene. She's like, take me now, Matthew. I was flexing on Sean. We were at the Japanese garden in Houston. I was like, those ducks look crazy. has like egyptian goose those things are my favorite they are really pretty how was that garden it's awesome it's so fucking sick actually i didn't go yesterday yeah it's next time i we walked around it's very really cool yeah just getting it's just like they have huge like chunks of natural granite just like big boulders everywhere water running down them koi ponds i'm like fuck that park was awesome you ever busted those ducks like doing it you ever seen ducks mate no they have that classic corkscrew penis really i always heard that was pigs with the old pigs have a weird that's the tail that's the tail but pigs have a curly curly curly funny a chochode those things are what's the pig dick look like uh i thought it was corkscrew let me look it's like it's like i don't think it's completely corkscrew but i think it does like can we can we get that up yeah very bad yeah i'm gonna see you to pig dick and then a duck dick if you don't mind and i think duck vaginas evolved to be corkscrews because ducks rape female ducks all the time.

1:13:14Right? This is like rave knowledge. You know about this. Yeah, that's...

1:13:20Shane Gillis:That's the pig dick. Oh, so it's got a hook on it. Check that out. That's okay. Alright, there we go. Oh, wait, is this on screen? You can show pig dicks on screen. Yeah, you can totally do that. Sean's looking at mirrors. Is that... That's a pig's butthole for no reason. Alright, I'm back. You see that? He's lifting the pig's tail. That's a pig butthole right there. This looks like my ass. Let's see a duck dick. So yeah, the pig has just a little... Whoa! Yeah, get over there. That's a duck's dick? Yeah, because I think it was reciprocal evolution because the female duck's... Oh, yeah, sorry.

1:14:03Damn, the duck's dick is like a sine wave.

1:14:06Shane Gillis:It's kind of tight. Yeah, dude. It's like dig dug when you have to shoot the things. Like the Asics logo. Dang. And so the duck pussy is like rifle action. Yes, because they wanted to prevent being forcibly impregnated. That's interesting. Is this your understanding? Yeah. Right? Yeah. So they have to relax. Just allow. It's like anal. Yeah. I hated it. Okay. In nature, though, you're saying ducks don't have a big courtship element. Because some, like, no results. So it's just like. There's no mating dance. No one's showing off the plumage. Dang, that's a shame. It's just like, hey, you come here often?

1:14:50Yeah. It's pretty much how dudes had sex until, like, 1975 or whatever. Hey, you want to be safe? Carry my baby. Yeah. Dang. Well, I didn't know that. And see, you need to have, you could, in your weird menagerie you're building, you could just have, like, the penises growing. That would be nice. Like, in jars. You could have the neighborhood kids go, you know? Duck penis. Duck penis. Every now and again, I'd show them mine. You have a necklace? Not so different, you and I.

1:15:21Shane Gillis:Now compare. Yeah. Yours starts quirky. There's a penis documentary coming out about... Sean, you didn't tell me about your new project. What? A guy who's collecting every species of penis. Wow. What a... He's a dickhead. The American, or like the human penis is, there's two guys competing to donate their penis. Wow. Once they die? Yeah. What? Are they like, the biggest and the smallest? Some people are doing it, yeah, before they die already. German guy, for sure. Yeah, for sure. For sure, German guy. Whoa, so some guys like just take it now? He's like, take it now and eat the tip. What does he win?

1:16:02His penis in the mutant product. Until there's a flash flood. His dick's washed away.

1:16:09Shane Gillis:God, that's so funny. The curator's in there every night, take him out of the jar and just sucking different animal pieces. Brushing his teeth with one. There's two guys competing for the job. Yeah. Hey, guess what? I'm going to pull my name out of the hat. I don't need to be in the race for permanent penis. That's crazy, though, to be the curator and be like, I personally sucked every single one of these penises. Yeah. Pig penis is exquisite. You have to try the duck. Dude, imagine just sucking like a fly's penis. That'd be a bummer. Like a praying mantis penis. Yeah. Oh, I'm intrigued to know all the different sex genitals.

1:16:43That would be kind of cool.

1:16:43Shane Gillis:It'd be so funny. He probably approaches it too. Like a, you know, has like a cloth over his arm, walks to the jar. Smiling it. Like he's offering you to smell the cork. Damn, that's too. That's, there's, it never, like, it always amazes me that there are, like, Two guys who were like, no, I want my penis in that jar. It wouldn't occur to me. I'd be like, I'm going to bury me with mine. I don't want it in a jar. I don't need anyone to know. People walking to the penis museum and be like. Yeah. People posing with it. Water must be cold. Yeah. Water's cold. Pickling solutions, chili. You have to brine the penises once a quarter.

1:17:19I don't know. I don't want to be nasty, but you figure like. You should give them your penis. Yeah. You'd be lucky to have it. I need mine for a while longer. Going bowling. Yeah. Freaking, you figure there'd be extra penises laying around with gender reassignment surgeries and things like that, you know? True. Hmm. Like I figured it would be too hard to find one. Yeah.

1:17:42Shane Gillis:That is kind of a shame. We're just, yeah, we're going to cut a guy's off. Although, don't they turn it inside out? I feel like they keep most of the penis to create like a clitoral situation. Oh, my. Don't pull that up, please. Quit typing. I think you're right. I don't think they... Do they hack the whole thing off? I know Nate... Nate talks about it on stage, but... That was the balls. Keep the testes. Yeah, you can keep your testes like they're tonsils or whatever. I've said before, castrating the penis but keeping your balls would be the most powerful. Yeah. That's definitely test maxing for sure.

1:18:14Shane Gillis:Oh, you just come to the table? Yeah. Plop them? You're just balls. You have no release, but you're still producing all the hormones and shit you need. That would be pretty powerful. It's like a samurai situation. It really would be. You wouldn't complete control. You would be. Huh. You'd have no outlet. you just have to or you do and it's just like a hole that weeps every now and then drooling yeah hey baby oh you see my drooling hole yeah because your body my wounds excited honey get me a diaper i'm feeling you yuck oh boy drooling hole but hey enough about my wife no i love her you're oozing hole yeah I'm going to call her and be like, hey, baby, can I get a taste of that oozing hole?

1:19:00Shane Gillis:You'd have to rely on wet dreams. You'd have wet dreams like once a quarter. Rely on wet dreams. What a hell. That's your only release. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had a full wet dream. Brother, I have. I've had them, yeah. Let me tell you. I wish, man. I've had maybe one, but I wasn't like... It soiled my undies. I had one on the top bunk one time. What? Yeah. My cousin was down below and I had to figure out how to like... Since it rained. Hey, your hole's weeping. Someone's balls are full. Yeah. Wet dreams are gross. Yeah. You know what? Yeah. Because you don't like... I feel like in a wet dream, I don't think you fully bust in a wet dream.

1:19:38I've never had the situation where I'm enjoying having sex and then I climax. It's always like, I'm about to have sex with someone and then I nut. And then there's a shame in the dream and then you wake up and the shame is real. it's like when you get cut in a dream and your arm's bleeding you're like whoa what the fuck but instead of like you know seeing the bleeding arm pulling out the sword you're carrying and like cutting off the pirate's head yeah you just wake up and you're like oh yeah it's already cold i have to call sheath again i sleep nude too so like yeah i had to stop when i had kids now i can't i can't sleep nude because i have kids a bit about crawling into bed yeah that's awesome it's a good hour bro thanks bro I appreciate it

1:20:20Shane Gillis:I was downcast I wasn't too downcast but I was Sunday night scariest you're done you're over it yeah I was done I was just like fuck Easter Sunday too long day yeah Easter weekend Easter's feeling less and less like a real holiday yeah it's sort of a bummer the bowling alley was crowded and I was like shouldn't we all is it like a Jewish thing they didn't look Jewish like Chinese food on Christmas yeah I'll go bowling what were the jews up to there was only one jew at the show last night was because it's a real hard loss for them true they need to they need to think it over that was killing me yeah you need to just sit this one out jews thought you had it the only yeah i thought it was going to be just nothing but yeah just a victory lap yeah well goddamn dude i think we did it man what a joy thanks for having me guys give me the goddamn proper introduction i think you're the man you You are the absolute man.

1:21:14Shane Gillis:It was a joy. I was telling my wife, I was watching you. I actually was up there on the balcony, and I was so... I just got stuck watching you, and I was like, fuck, come on next. What time? I was like, thank God I didn't just miss it. I would have been up there. I'd have run all the way down. We're lucky that the guys we get to hang out with are good at the thing. It's really hard to be friends with comics getting older if they're not good. It was fun to watch you up there with Butterly and Mary Jo and be like, this guy's really good, and I have his phone number. That's cool. He's like one of the best guys.

1:21:44Shane Gillis:I was going, this is Sensei. I was watching you. I was going, dude, that's a truly liberated man. I don't know 15 minutes because I don't do showcases. That's why I felt bad because I was like, that's why I was like, ah, because it's weird doing a short timer used to headlining. Well, it's okay, though. It's a skill I have to learn. It's not a big deal. But I am up there trying. I'm bailing on bits because I'm like, okay, just get to the next thing. Yeah. It was fun, man. It was awesome. Well, you crushed it. Well, thank you for having me. Thanks for having me on the pod. Dude, of course. Thanks for coming.

1:22:09of course man bye goodbye

1:22:12Shane Gillis:watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify do it