Ep 610 - The Bewick's Wren (feat. James Mccann)

17:41Shane Gillis:They also do have some crazy stuff now medically. I feel like ACLs now, they pop you right back in. Appendicitis? Really? I mean, compared to how it used to be. Yeah, I felt like it used to be like an ender. Appendicitis is like, yeah, you've got to be down for at least three weeks, dude, I would imagine.

18:00What? Is that like a sports recovery, or is it just like a regular person? I think that's just like you can walk around. Yeah.

18:09Rough and tumble play. Especially, he's going to play rough and tumble. Yeah, sure. He's falling on the ground every fucking 10 seconds. If we can win one more, make a definite like game six, like six game scenario, I think he'll pop back up. What do you think about tonight? I think Celtics by 50. What? Usually you win a game like that. Yeah, I was wondering. It's usually a comeback.

18:36Shane Gillis:I liked at the very end when they just put in all their white guys and they were just breaking threes the whole time. When your whites are missing threes, it's like. Yeah. You're done. That's bad. That's bad stuff. Yeah, they threw in the fucking scrub squad at the very – you can tell they're like, all right, fuck this game. We'll get it next one. I think we can get one more at home. I don't know about this very next one, but we can get one more at home. Yeah. It's going to be exciting. Yeah. I do think Boston's going to come back strong. When you're missing like that, you're just like, all right, I got the worst over.

19:03Shane Gillis:Now I'm just going to start firing. Yeah, they never shoot like that. That's the problem. That was probably their worst game all season, shooting. But that might be defense. Might be the matchup. LeMaire is evil ass Because he's a hater He's a hater He pretends he's not a hater He's an actual hater Yeah That's why I don't want to watch the game Which is crazy for a guy Who doesn't really give a fuck about sports He just wants to see his friends He's just a video game He's an anime wrestling video game guy And then he'll be like Fuck the Sixers It's just an evil You're an evil fucker We were all happy for you to see Cody Rhodes

19:42Shane Gillis:What do you mean? It's owned by a management group, right? It's not owned by one guy. It's owned by a group of people who are only - That's why you don't like them. Yeah, because their only goal is to make money, not to be good or win. What the fuck do you think they're all doing? What do you think the wrestling is? Huh? What do you think wrestling is? No, I'm saying that's not in the spirit of sports, though. Like, when it's like Larry Balmer owning the Clippers, the Clippers are going to try. But when it's like a group of dudes who own like five teams - I've never heard this before. This is exciting to me.

20:08You think if there's more than one owner - No, it's a managing group. It's like venture capitalists, like own the team. Yeah. Yes. It's still the team. It's still the college. It's still the players. They're just trying to make money. They're not trying to like win. They're just trying to make sure they milk money out of people. I don't know what the Dallas Cowboys have been doing, but I think they're just trying to make money. Yeah, but the goal is to win because that makes the most money. That's not true.

20:32Shane Gillis:Yeah, it is. It's probably better to win than to not win. It's definitely true. Get some people in the seats if you're good. Yeah, and you can still be a single owner, but they probably have investors too. You know what I mean? What do you mean you don't think that's true? I don't think you have to win. You sell more merch if you win the Super Bowl. What about the Cleveland Browns? What about the Cleveland Browns? They sell out every year, but they never win. What about the Green Bay Packers? They've got a team ownership. You know, like the city owns the team. They win. But they don't have a single owner.

21:01That's everybody buys in. Everybody. It's a community. For example, the Flyers. Yeah. They've sucked for a decade. Yeah. Now they're back. Now it's like packed when they play. Yeah. And they're actually, like, even the players are like, holy fuck, I didn't even know it could be like this. And it's like they're selling out every, like, you understand? Yeah. But are they owned by a management group or are they owned by, like, a guy? I'm not sure there's, I'm trying to point out that winning helps financially. Yeah, I agree. Winning helps financially. By a management group. Yeah, for the most part.

21:34There's usually, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

21:39Shane Gillis:Well, that's a good theory, though. I like the idea of it being like, you know, I want a guy. This. You know? This. There's an Australian. Just put up like. I don't know if I've spoken about this. It's an interesting reason for you to just not like to talk shit on Nate's team. Yeah, you guys don't even have a single owner. That's crazy. Do you know the F45 gyms? Huh? Have I ever told you about the F45 gym man? No. There was an Australian man who invented that kind of gym. And then he came out and he started buying teams. he came to America and he started buying teams but he like didn't have huge money so he bought like a rugby league team I think like a very low level baseball team but he named them after a cocktail that he was inventing I think I'm getting this right I'm gonna like his name was Adam Gilchrist and he called them like the Gilgronies because he was going to come out with his own personal cocktail called like the Gilgroni like a Negroni but then he went bankrupt and the cocktail never came out, but the team had two years of playing in Austin.

22:40And they changed the name. And people were very upset who were fans of the team. And everything about it, I'm not saying that he was necessarily a huge cocaine addict, but everything about it screams. He bought two teams. He named them both after cocktails that never came out. He was found to be illegally paying the players or something. And then they just weren't allowed to play in the playoffs. And now they've folded. And now there's no team in Austin.

23:03Shane Gillis:And that's a single owner. I'm there. See, that's what happened. That was a tie. Am I getting this right? You need the checks and balances of an organization. You know who else has a single owner? Germany. True. You want a strong man. I think you're just missing Vince McMahon. Honestly, I think that's what it is. He missed Vince. I think he's projecting his Vince loss onto the Sixers. How did you feel about Mania? Oh, yeah. Let me say something, brother. I'm kind of glad I didn't go. Really? What about Cody Rhodes? Cody won. that was nice yeah it was cool but celeb mania dude there was a lot of celebs also Cody Rhodes kinda like weekend dad-a-jew he's like come on buddy we'll go to Wrestlemania he did he did Cody Rhodes never reached back big promises LeMaire LeMaire had his bags packed be like daddy's coming to get me soon he never came that's how the tree went dude you're like

24:07I got you, buddy. I didn't even want to go to WrestleMania. It wasn't even a good one. He didn't say anything. And then, like, the day before, he was like, Shane, can you ask Cody Rhodes if I can go to WrestleMania? I was like, no, dude.

24:18Shane Gillis:He has to fly me to WrestleMania. I know. Had to get to Vegas for, like, 150 bucks on, like, planes. Yeah, it's cheap as hell, dude. That's... Well, yeah. No, Vegas is, like, notoriously cheaper, right? Direct flex were like$800. Oh, for Mania. You're talking about a connecting flight? Huh? You're talking about a connecting flight? No, I was going to take a flight to Burbank and get off in Vegas because it stops in Vegas. Dude, that you should have done on your personal road to WrestleMania where you just got metaglasses and just filmed the whole journey of like, I'm going to get in here one way or the other.

24:54Shane Gillis:Bus ticket. What do you mean get off? I thought a bus wasn't playing. We need to get off at a different stop. No, I got it. That's smart. You need a connecting flight. No, but you get the connecting flight to another location. And you get off there. Get off in the middle. Yeah. Whoa. You don't get back on at the connecting flight. Okay. That's very sneaky. So you just get off and you're out. Yeah. I'm in Vegas. This is where I want to go. Smart. Yeah. I didn't even know that was possible. They tried to hold me and Nate had to do that. We flew. We got rerouted and ended up in Cleveland. and we had to go to Cincinnati or one or the other.

25:31Shane Gillis:And then we landed in the place where we could just drive and be there. And the lady was like, you guys can't get off the plane. And I was like, I'm getting off the plane. I have a car in it. She's like, it's not safe. And I was like, I don't feel safe right now on this plane. I got to go. I was telling Nate. I was like, bro, I'm about to fake a heart attack. You're going to have to do it too. So I was going to be like, oh, Nate would be like, oh, me too. We got to go. Yeah, but the pilot was chill. He was like, yeah, they can get off, man. Just let them off. I didn't tell you about this. Some guy tried to like flight big dick me.

26:00Shane Gillis:He's like, dude, I fly like 300 times a year. This is not a big deal. I was like, I'm not saying it's a big deal. I just have to leave this plane. Like the fuck out of my face, dude. Trust me, brother. This is nothing. All right, man. Fuck out of here. God. I was like, I just have to go. Because if I went back to Chicago and then got stuck there, I would have like missed the show. Yeah. Like, this is not a big deal. Okay. It's cool, man. Yeah. Who are you? Shut up. Stay out of it. Get out of here. You fucking idiot. But yeah, it was nice. But yeah, I was worried. I also thought too, I was like, yeah, who cares?

26:32Shane Gillis:If I just like disobey the stewardess, I won't be able to fly United. I don't even like United like that. There's how much I don't like myself. I could see myself doing that. What? That awful behavior of sitting next to somebody and being like, I take a lot of flights. This is nothing. I could catch myself in a moment of being a giant douche. Why do you think you would do that? Someone next to me, I don't think I would. Yeah. Well, I'm saying I'm capable of doing that. That would be something I would regret. Yeah, yeah. But I could be like, I fly all the time. Just a stranger. I say it. I'll catch myself saying it at the airport where I'll just be.

27:05Shane Gillis:Yeah, same thing. I actually fly a good amount. But I would never interjecting in a person trying to gain freedom from the airline to be like, dude, you just got to stay here. It's like, well, dude, I'm not going to a fucking corporate banquet where I can just not show up. I would think to myself, this guy must be freaking out. If at the connecting flight, he's just like, you know what? I'll get out here and I'll drive. Yeah. Be like, dude. Yeah, you're fine. I fly a lot. That's how all the airports are built, is to turn us against one another. So we don't unify and rise up. I've thought about this a lot as to why are airports the uniquely – there's not like a nice traditionally designed airport.

27:36They're all cold angles and glass and judgment. Split you up, make you feel atomized so that when there's a delay or whatever, you don't unify, you don't band together. They want you turning. Sorry, while you were talking, the fucking rent flew right back into that box. I'm very impassioned about airport design.

27:53Shane Gillis:I heard a theory that they're actually – house looks like new la guardia i heard a theory they're thin zones where it's like people are dislocated from like time you don't know like you're different like like a casino and an airport well they were talking more like it's almost like a dream space where you're kind of like no one knows like you're in a different place you don't know what if you're going to get to go or not the time zones are all scattered so kind of fuck people that's why people freak out what's that music that i can't figure out what that music is that plays when they play a liminal space on a reel it's been stuck in my head for days you know what i'm talking about it's like donkey kong music yeah it's like underwater donkey kong music it makes me every time it pops up on the reel i i don't even know i don't even look at the the meme i just feel this episode is brought to you by zip recruiter i'll tell you what i had nate opening for me this weekend i said that guy is really that guy is sticking out to me that guy is sticking out and i love all of his jokes guys it isn't always easy finding a good standout and that's especially true if you're hiring you have to sort through hundreds of resumes and even then you might not uncover what you're looking for.

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29:37Shane Gillis:That's ZipRecruiter.com slash secret. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Part of what makes online shopping so great is that you don't have to leave your couch. So it can be frustrating when you have to find exactly what you want. You're ready to check out, then you realize you need to go hunt down your wallet. That's what makes Shopify so great. They're all about improving the experience for everyone. For customers, that means, including the purple pay button to make checking out simple. Literally just one tap is all it takes. For business owners like you, Shopify can get you set up with that pay button and more.

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30:48Shane Gillis:What's Midwest Safety? The best, dude. Just long body cam videos. It's great. Dude. Great narration. The guy breaks down the story. Yep. The officer recap. I like the officer. He was a Philly officer, by the way. Was he Philly? Yeah. He recaps. This is what happens. It's very common. I'm so ready to now for civilian disturbances. I was in Phoenix recently, and I saw this homeless lady. you know she like went and met up with her like homeless boyfriend and they're sitting outside a pizza place eating and at one point the guy was like that's fucking bullshit and i was like i might have to intervene right now and i looked over and the lady just went why are you looking at and i was like whoa what the hell you should have said i've been watching a lot of midwest safety just so you know i will call the cops right now and pull the trigger so if you move quickly at all 15 shots into your fucking car there was one it was sad but there was a guy who was pretending to work on a house and he was just i think he was probably just like stealing the pipes or whatever so the cops like he's like no he's like i'm working here guy and he kept it was he was like lying but he was pretty he was like it seemed like he was smooth with it in his head but he was also like he would say the same thing over and over you go place is a shithole you guys gotta see he kept trying to do like contractor talk and they're like so what are you doing in here and he's like plumbing job don't pump a job i'm a drywall company and they'd be like okay and you know and eventually he's like the lady said you didn't get hired and he was just like i got a gun he ran inside he just ran inside and he did suicide by cop it was sad yeah shot him in the head it's really oh it's pretty it's like cops but like on hbo cops basically kill him and then the cops come they're like i shot him there's that you get to see him talk shop and they're sitting there and they're like because he did like brandish what looked like a weapon at them and um the one cop rolled up he goes yo i knew that guy guy he was a boxer man you would have fucked you up dude if you guys had a fight that guy knocked people to fuck sucked at jiu-jitsu terrible he was fucking badass over his body there's a eulogy he's like badass boxer though man this guy was great and then they're like all right we gotta get him out here he's dead there's so many good ones there's one there's one i mean it's obviously really sad because it's a guy with like ptsd and clearly like a meth roid rage type thing but he's in on the bottom floor of this like apartment complex so his windows go out into like the courtyard part but they're like while they're approaching they're like we we got a disturbance and he just They look into the room, and you see him in the corner, like, naked, just, like, stand up, and he's gigantic.

33:09He's like, ah! And he comes through the window to fight all the cops. And he's so big. They're like, please stop. Stop. Stop, dude. And he's like, which one do you want to fucking die tonight? He, like, chases them all. Did they kill this man? Fuck it. But is that all these videos? Not all. Not all. And they're trying to get suicided? No, not all. Some of them are hilarious.

33:34Shane Gillis:Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah, some of them are really fun. There was this drunk, there was like a tall white dude. He got, he had like a fight with his girlfriend. So he was at like a work, like a convention kind of thing where he's supposed to like stand at a table and hand out information. He ditched it and got hammered in like a strip mall restaurant. He comes outside, they like kick him out and he's just outside with the cops and they're like talking to him and out of nowhere he would just go, I got that good cushion alcohol. Dude, was this me? That sounds like my weekend. I got some damn bitches I could call.

34:06It was so funny. I don't know what I want to do now, y 'all.

34:10Shane Gillis:And they're like calling Uber. He's like, all right, I will. And he was like, play Spotify and be like, play Young Thug. Just chill. Damn. He was the funniest dude. He's the bro. What happened there? He just would hit on the lady cop the whole time. The guys would talk to me. Yo, tell them to stop talking to me. I only want to talk to you. And he'd be like, yo, you're so, I love you so much. Dude, he was so, and then they taste him. And he was like, ah, and he fell down. He fell down. He got up and he goes, yo, thanks for doing that. I kind of like that. Do it again. They're like, dude, stop. Get out of here.

34:37Shane Gillis:His boss comes and picks him up. He's like, you fucking asshole. Get in the car. That was, they did. Every once in a while, they have a fun one like that. Yeah, it was. Shad. Yeah. Remember that guy? Yeah, Shad. That was Midwest Safety. I didn't know that. Yeah, that was a Midwest Safety classic. Named Shad. There was also, there was one guy who barricaded himself in his house. Those are always good. That one ended bad. I think he got shot. Yeah. He put up a fucking fight. and the cops are always so excited to break out. They're like, why do we have this military tank? This fucking giant Bearcat SWAT vehicle just to put a fucking battering ram on the front of it, break down some guy's shitty front door.

35:14He's in there throwing fucking kitchen knives out. They gassed him out for like four hours. They're like, the sun's going down. We have to go in. I don't know how he's still in there. He's just creating barricades in the house. Dude, it's... eventually pulled out a gun and they killed him. They'll get him. But he was throwing a lot of stuff for a while, which was throwing knives is wild. They tried to throw a fucking gas canister and they'd see him throw it right back out. Damn, this guy's fielding these things.

35:42Shane Gillis:I like when the dudes slip the handcuffs. A little can of corn. Women slip the handcuffs a lot. Yeah. There was a lady who slipped the handcuffs and stole a cop car and jumped in the front and just fucking beeline it and just drove 80 miles an hour. And then she like pulled off into the woods and luckily slowed down and just whacked an old stone wall. You see the inside cam? She's like, boom. Yeah, I mean, it is really horrific. It's Midwest. It's my whole algorithm now. It's just dash. And then there's the other ones that get pretty wicked, man. Yeah. You're like, no, I'm staying Midwest. You got to check that bottom where it says Midwest safety.

36:13Shane Gillis:Yeah, I always do. There's some of them where I'm just like, yeah. Because at least they blur out the carnage. Yeah, it's true. In Midwest safety. I saw one where a guy, it wasn't Midwest safety. Do you watch any of the mass shootings? No, I steer clear. I try to keep those ones. Those are really fucking bad. Those ones are sad. I steer clear. I saw one that was pretty fucked up on it. It was like a different thing, but it was a guy who had worked in a, I guess like some sort of care unit for like the developmentally disabled. And there was a lady who, I forget what she had, but she was like basically a vegetable.

36:42Shane Gillis:She couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything. And he impregnated her. So they're just like doing a routine thing. And they're like, dude, she's pregnant. And they're like, what the fuck? So they had to do like an investigative thing to figure out like who was with her. It's a miracle. Dude, the guy was just this young kid who was a boxer. So then they interviewed him. He was like, no, I never got to spend alone time, blah, blah, blah. And everyone else they interviewed was like, check with this guy. He was fucking weird. Definitely fucked him. Dude, he did. Well, so they did a paternity test.

37:08Shane Gillis:But they showed footage of him, and he would be around. I think they talked about it. He would walk around. It's the wildest Mario episode ever. All the influence, dude. Yeah, dude. He would stand over them and just be like. He would just shadow box them the whole time. and then yeah they like when they revealed the paternity test they like told him like well you're actually you are the father and they just had the camera on him still and he goes fuck oh dude fuck jesus please help me please i'll do anything he's like i'll be poor my rest of my life i don't care like dude you're going to jail for like you're gonna be poor yeah you're gonna be poor the rest of your life you fucked a vegetable lady yeah yeah yeah it's really sad sorry what is this channel?

37:50Dude, it's Midwest safety. That's not Midwest safety as well. No, that was, that's like

37:53Shane Gillis:you'll, if you start with Midwest safety. I was going to say, that doesn't sound like a Midwest safety. That is not a Midwest safety episode. Sounds like a Maury Povich. Sounds like a dream. Well, dude, here's the weird part of Midwest safety, because they arrest women. There's a lot of female arrests, and there's an undeniably erotic component to the whole thing, where it's like a lady in yoga pants, and it'll be sad. It'll be like, she's drunk behind the wheel. Her one-year-old is like trapped underneath the car seat, and they like pull the kid out, and she's just like, give me my fucking baby right now.

38:19Shane Gillis:They have to, like, wrestle her to the ground. It's just like. It's hot. You're saying it's an erotic. I think there's an undeniable. Well, that one wasn't very erotic, but there'll be ones where they, like, wrestle a lady down into, like, a hotel bed while her boyfriend's getting, like, beat up. And I'm like, this is kind of kink. This is just kind of kink. It's not mine, but I'm like, it's. You can see where it comes from. Yeah. There's a big, strong guy coming in, beating your ass, beating your girlfriend's ass. They leave, but he's sitting around. Your boyfriend the whole time is like, he's raping me.

38:46Shane Gillis:dude there's one guy he wouldn't stop he's right baby it's quality it was great it's so funny quality stuff sorry this is my last one but the the one where i understand your joy from it i'm so happy you found me oh it's all i watch on the plane now it's the best dude he goes download him for the flight let's see what happened then uh this is just the best scenario ever because there's two people on a work trip it's the wife's work trip the husband's just there gets hammered at the bar and it was like i guess he was like a quarter native american which comes into play later and he uh so the woman just gets woken up to officers just being like wake up and she's like she's also drunk she's like what and the husband's like some guy started with me babe i stood up for myself don't worry about it he was just fighting people this is over like saying like this is my land you stole it from me and they're like shut up and he's like yeah yeah so then oh damn he tried to reclaim his land.

39:42He tried to reclaim his territory?

39:44Shane Gillis:Like a Holiday Inn Express. A bunch of hockey dads. Dude, yeah, exactly. Those guys on a travel team getting wasted. Shut up. And then so he was like, I'll stand up for myself. Never stop standing up for myself. And he kept trying to step to the cops. They tased him. He must have got hit with the Native American algorithm. Dude, I think so. I've seen a lot of those. Those are my favorites. Modern day Native Americans like you're on stolen land. Never forget that. And then they do a fucking ceremonial dance. every comment's like fuck you pussy scoreboard you lost you're at home court advantage a lost bitch fuck you scoreboard i don't know if what i'm about to say is true but it's what i just found out about oklahoma what cities there are rules about sex offenders that they can't live like a certain distance from a school or other type things so what they they do in the cities is they organize they space the schools and the other places that sex offenders can't go near so that sex offenders can't stay anywhere.

40:41They do a full city plan to like block it. Do you know what I'm saying? Like create a force field around it. But then the pedophiles have to live in a little satellite town. It's like a town full of sex offenders. And that's where they go and stay because they can't also stay in one building. Two at maximum. So there are like these little satellite pedophile communities. Wait, pedophiles can't. Just on the outside. Pedophiles can't. There can't be more than two pedophiles. Apparently. Well, there. We got one more guest and we're fucked. Apparently they max out at two pedophiles in the building.

41:12That's why you can only have one guy at a time. That's why he's like, I'm having a big barbecue party, but just one of my pedophile buddies. You and Dorian.

41:23Shane Gillis:They're having a courtship. They both have their parole officers next to them. Succulent hot. Well, it's also every city. I feel like the cities in Oklahoma are all surrounded by reservations, like the Indian reservations too. So it's like you got the res, you got the city, and then it's pedophile. It's pedophile satellite town. trailer park what's that just middle earth pedophiles pal dude pedophile park is pervert park pervert park in florida that that is a sad dog if everyone get really sad watch pervert park pedophile trailer park pedophile trailer park florida drives by it throws bottles at it and then they then you talk they interview the pedophiles who have all obviously had the worst yeah except for one guy yeah there was one original vampire one original vampire yeah the rest of them tell you their life story because you're like fuck these better you see bottles flying over at him.

42:07Shane Gillis:You're like, good. And then you hear their story. You're like, oh, that's fucking really bad. Then there was one guy who was like, I just got fucking horny, man. I drove to Mexico and tried to take a kid. And yeah, they beat my ass and I drove away, but I got arrested on the border. They beat my ass and I drove away. What the fuck? We used to fry that guy. He's like, I was just jammed up, man. I just figured I could take a kid from Mexico. It was a stressful day. So I went to Mexico to get a job. It was just fucking horned up. Yeah, we've all had. Yeah, it's real. But the documentary is just a lady who's a pedophile and it's just like yeah I was like I was fucking my dad she would like fuck her dad on and off as an adult it was it's per report I tapped out they just she was on again off again yeah well I think she'd been obviously vampire bitten early in life and then she was just like yeah this is a new expression she would like break up with her boyfriend and just move back with her dad the pedophiles like vampires and you get caught yeah pretty much dude pretty much all of them for the most part have been molested as kids we gotta break the cycle yeah just don't molest kids yeah well So chemical castration.

43:08Yeah. Castrate the... I think that's fair. Chemical cast? Where are you guys getting all these fucking Oklahoma facts? What the fuck's going on here, dude? We've actually been studying Oklahoma very closely. I've got more things to say about Oklahoma.

43:22Shane Gillis:The machines go out and we're going to master Oklahoma pedophile law. Damn, so that's leaked... That's why the panhandle's so small in Oklahoma. It's for a little penis. What is chemical... Is it just sever your desire? Does it, like, fuck your gens up? Like, what is it? It makes me unhappy to think about it. I only thought about it because I watched the Begonia movie, and at the start, they chemically castrate each other. And from that point on, I was against the movie. Really? Do you know the movie I'm talking about? Yeah. I watched it on the flight. He was very good as maybe a pedophile cop.

43:54It's sort of hinted at that he might be a pedophile, but then they. Oh, yeah. No, I think they make it pretty clear he, like, molested the main guy. He says, I'm sorry I did that to you. I never did it to another kid. Yeah. Okay. And it's, you know, he's very good. You know, it upset me. The whole film upset me. Yeah.

44:10Shane Gillis:Pedophile stuff. At least they're not glorifying it. You know, chemical castration is, I think that's a fair route for the pedophile. You know, but then it's like, what the hell do you do with him? What do you, what do you, that'd be a good coming of age tale. Pedophile, chemically castrated, has to find himself. Get on the straight and narrow. Call up his friends, barbecue one-on-one. Yeah. because what do you do after that you're a pedophile you've been shamed yeah now you're like altered physiologically where you can't do that you'll never do that thing ever i would imagine so it's like what do you do you got to just boss up in a fast food chain somewhere the glow up would be crazy the comeback no bill price you go to college study hard yeah then how science works i mean you invent ai you're completely undistracted you can finally fuck just raking your mom's leaves very efficiently forever become a curling champion yeah I mean that's gotta be crazy cause that's where they go they go usually they live with their mom after you get a pedophile get busted back to mom yeah then your mom dies now you're a lone pedophile it's gotta be a minute if you're just you at the computer you're like let me just look yeah let me just get a glimpse for old times sake cops come immediately fuck shit yeah that'd be bad good stuff yeah chemical casts fair i've i've chemically cast a couple times yo with the bls too many bls you go i've got damn it nothing's working you're running oklahoma drills on yourself that's tricky though because if you don't chemically castrate yourself enough off now you're super breader now you become the ultimate dang man but yeah that's uh that's good stuff i didn't know they have they set it up to where this is what i got to tell that i don't know what the other buildings are that they could tell you this my friend who made my shirts who came down from oklahoma he went out for breakfast piece of information that he knows well his his uh his wife works in uh there was a word they used that wasn't halfway house that was a halfway house.

46:20The recovery house? Yeah. But that's where I heard about it. And she had heard about it. I don't know. Again, I don't know how true it is.

46:28Shane Gillis:Pedophile recovery house. It feels crazy. Well, they do lump the... Pedophile recovery house is nuts, dude. You're all in the circle just being like, pretty normal day, pretty chill. Pretty normal, yeah. Saw the bus the other day. That's a new reality show they're doing. They get 10 of them in there. And if they do fuck a child, they have to be removed from the house. And the last one, wins I know what they win they win a trip to Thailand that's what wins they're free holiday to Thailand no questions asked alright this is my idea for a show it's not a bad show you hold off on the big reveal on the prize because that could turn viewers off you're invested you're like I'm really rooting for this guy you're like I got other ideas for sure Russell Brand just got in trouble yeah I think he kind of did that to himself on that one oh yeah I mean obviously normally he's like fucking governments coming up with Bullshit tried to fuck me on this.

47:21And he goes, I fucked a 16-year-old. What the fuck? A while back.

47:25Shane Gillis:Rap snitches. There was allegations against him a while back that he had fully been like, this is a deep state, obviously. And then I think that probably just grew too hard. He's like, yeah, there was that one time. It was within his legal right. That's the whole thing. The British were different about it until quite recently. And yeah, back then, you could just have sex with 16-year-olds in England. You still can, I think. Still can, yeah. Shouldn't. Should have not at all. Frowned upon. Very frowned upon.

47:55Shane Gillis:Not mine.

47:59It's not mine. Did it yearn? It looks like it's yours. It looks like you need to produce yourself, dude. You dumb doper. You just Russell branded yourself. We've got to pause anyway. Yeah. I'll be right back. All right. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix, a preferred partner of the NBA. The regular season is wrapped, and the NBA playoffs are finally here, and there's no better way to cash in on the high-flying hoops action than prize picks, America's number one sports pick app. Every bucket, every dime, and every win means more when you're playing on prize picks, so don't pass up your next shot with prize picks and get$50 instantly in lineups when you play your first$5.

48:39Matt, I would love for you to riff on, I don't know, what is the official team? Sixers, it's got to be Sixers. Sixers, obviously.

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49:36Shane Gillis:All right, here we go, guys. Does anyone want to go first, by the way? I don't want to take out. Go ahead, LaMare. Get in there. All right. Well, hey, everybody. I'm going to be in Florida May 5th, May 6th, May 7th, May 8th, May 9th, and I'll be back home. But also on May 5th, there's Optimal Knocks at the Creek in the Cave, so please check that out. LaMare, leave that fun and everywhere else. All right. Thank you. Always. May 16th is all I got right now. Toronto will be nice, but I believe it's full. May 16th. You're in Toronto on May 15th? May 15th, yeah. What's up? It's a good time to be in the 6th.

50:13Shane Gillis:Is it really? What, in May? May 15th. Why, I'm in the May 15th. It's the new Drake release. What? Are you going to be there May 15th? The city's going to be going nuts. Damn, that's going to be awesome. Well, hell yeah, dude. We all look forward to that. And guys, the next day, there's some tickets left for the Riviera Theater in Chicago, Illinois. And yeah, that's May. We got time, but I'll be honest. That one, I wouldn't lie to you, that one's going to sell out. So come celebrate the end of this part of the tour in Chicago, May 16th. That's it. May 4th, I'm at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles.

50:50May 7th, there's still tickets available for the May 7th Thursday show at TD Garden in Boston. And then that's it. Obviously, July 17th, come watch me have a heart attack in front of the entire city of Philadelphia. Fuck it. Albuquerque, Phoenix, San Diego, Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland, Chicago, New York, Boston, Pittsburgh, Orlando, Naples, and Tampa, and San Francisco. I'm coming to you this month. It's going to be a big month. Yeah. JDFMcCann.com. Organ hour out now. James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. Oh, yeah. Big times. Yeah, get in there, Sean. Hello, everybody. I'll be here, Sean.

51:32No, get in front of the fucking camera and don't do this cute bullshit. Just fucking do it. I'm not. Hello, everybody. How's that? No, dude. Just do it. I'll be in Springfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma City in Cincinnati, Ohio in the month of May. Please come. Oh, my God. SeanGardini.com. Why are you so mad at me? I'm not. I'm joking, dude. Oh.

51:54Shane Gillis:Oh, I got a funny one. Nice. Sean's demise. They fought. A guy attacked you. we were doing we did the celebrity we did the celebrity theater in phoenix and uh sean's wrapping up you know we're in the round it was it was truly just all of our skills does rule it's fucking sick yeah it's harder than i thought i was all cocky i was like done the round for fucking 20 000 with shane just unleash me dude i went up there i was like because sean was just up there they stood pretty still the entire time and i'm like man he's not moving what the fuck that's kind of weird and as he started like moving around towards the middle and uh he's doing his closer and as he's like almost done some guy just goes fag it was from behind me too from behind the page the other day that was like jfk he just blew my brain yeah and he was up high in the grass you know it was up high yeah it sucks even more dude it was really loud yeah he got him sean got sean got revenge for sure but it was uh it was then i walked out there i'm like why he was like so tight i'd walk up as soon as i stood up there i was like oh jesus christ this is kind of difficult and it was it was fun but it was a lot harder yeah the first time i ever did that i was with opening with bert and i literally just rotated in a circle to my left and i looked down the cord was around my feet dude that's the thing that gave you a corded mic so the whole time i was like trying to it was fun but i was like god damn that was i kept slipping into like i felt like i was like at one point i can't believe to myself i'd be like just felt like christopher Titus kind of I had to be very like in another thing like if you like doubt yourself at all and you feel like I would just fall apart so I had to just be like yeah I had to be the ultimate performer I kept laughing myself I was like dude you're the ultimate showman right now you couldn't you can't like yes I don't know man I'm struggling with that just in general like you gotta actually start taking yourself seriously enough to be a performer yeah yeah like these dudes helping me with the roast writing the roast like Mullen is like You got to like, you're capable of this.

53:55Like, do this the right way. You don't have to do the whole like disconnected, awkward. Yeah, yeah. Like, you can do this. And I'm like, all right, yeah. I got it. No chance. I'm going to go up there and be like, dude, I didn't write these jokes. It's fucking weird. This one's funny, though. This is blah, blah, blah. No, you didn't.

54:11Shane Gillis:I thought you did good at the ESPYs. I thought that was very clean. Yeah, but I was still like. You shouldn't have to give up this. I mean, it's like going to Dean Martin and going, what if you didn't have so many drinks before you went out there at night? Yeah, exactly. I don't think you need to switch it up. Dean, you don't need to be drunk. I know what you mean, though. There is a thing, though. You're on camera, and they're like, yeah. I felt a similar pressure where it was just kind of just for some reason being in the round. I couldn't be like, fuck, man, I don't know. I had to turn around and be like, here's another thing I'm thinking about that I totally believe in as a great.

54:42Shane Gillis:The whole time I had him like, this sucks. You're retarded. And I'm like, no, be quiet. We're in the round. Tightest mode right now. It's time. I don't know why. The stage just sits on a chair and goes, 60 % of you won't be looking at me. He doesn't mention it. I would have a fucking panic attack, dude. I still believe in the Lazy Susan. I think that would be good. I think the show, I think you should stand still and the stage should slowly revolve. That stage does revolve. But it didn't, it wasn't on for mine. It does for bands, yeah. That'd be so sick, dude. That's the one thing, too. When I was in there, I was like, I just want to play music so bad.

55:12Shane Gillis:I wish I could just play music in this place. It'd be awesome. Yeah, music would be so much better. Oh, the celebrity theater. You got to go on stage at Zach Brines and sing a song. That's awesome. Saying lawyers, guns, and money. How awesome did that feel? It was fucking sick. Yeah, that shit rules. It was awesome. Best for you. The whole time. When you're, like, doing that, you're just the whole time, like, this is awesome. Just hitting people with, like, dumb ideas about, like, vaginas are weird. You guys cool over there? All right, everyone on board? Let's go. I'm a professional. Especially in the round.

55:40When you turn around, you realize everyone's kind of checked out a little. Yep. Like, when you turn back around, that's when people get... It's funny because they're being polite, I guess. because they don't get up to go to the bathroom when you're facing them. Yeah. So, like, I'll turn around and people will be like, oh. It's like a teacher. There was one kid. Sit back down. Get off your phone. Phones.

56:03Shane Gillis:There was one kid who every time I would turn in his direction, he would be like, he was completely spread out. And I was just like, every time I look at him, I'm like, fucking punk. God damn it. And then he laughed really hard at one thing. I was like, oh, God, I got him. He's cool. He's cool. All right. That guy's great. The round is nice, though, when people are yelling. Yeah. there was somebody yells i go all right that corner i'm going back punished yep now you're on time out that was the other thing too they were it was the rowdiest crowd i'd had in a long so the whole time they'd just be like ah ah and it was just like you this is not the place for this guys behave yourselves please but it was it was very fun i had a good time but i really i was like dude that was it was difficult it was so hard it was like genuinely difficult i was you know so So my XP points, I got four XP points.

56:45Shane Gillis:I got done. I was like, all right, I leveled up for sure. Nice. And then I went to, it always happens to me. I'm like, I'm going to Tucson right after this. I'm about to crush. It literally had a panic attack on stage. I had to just completely just kind of quell within myself. Like, yeah, dude, I don't know, man. I told you guys I'm married. I'm like, fuck, dude. It happens like every 10th time. I'll have a point where I'm like seven minutes in. I go like, would it be weird if I took a break for five minutes and came back? And I'm like, yes, extremely knock this off right now. And then it just goes away, and it's always a huge relief.

57:16Shane Gillis:I'm like, all right, cool. Just completely absorbed in whatever that is. A break would be. A break. Nuts, but while you're up there, it feels so good. I know. Let's go, fellas. I'll be right back. Everybody in 10 minutes, grab a drink. I'm going to go take deep breaths. I'm going to do box breathing outside. I'll be right back. And I definitely am not coming back. You're never going to get me back on stage. I'm getting in a car right now. I might work it as a bit and just be like, I was fucking around. That was my whole panic attack bit. I'm back. I stayed around last night. You guys just saw me.

57:46Shane Gillis:I was like, Titus out there. It was crazy. Yeah. It could be a fun way to end a show. We're going to take a quick intermission. I'll be right back and just sprint. Sprint out of the... Oh, you're building in. You're building in. You say goodnight early when you want to go. Yeah. Because not enough shows happen. That's where you get your standing ovation. That's where you get your little break. Then you get your encore. You get your encore. Yeah, but I'm like nine minutes in. No, that means that you're really going to get that encore. True, true. You're going to build eight or nine encores into the show.

58:14You just keep getting to go off, have a think about it, and come back.

58:17Shane Gillis:That's nice. But guys, that's it for me. Thank you. All right, I'll come back. It would not work at comedy. No, well, you've got to train the audience. People've got to learn. We don't give them the round of applause. There would never be an encore, so everyone would just start. They would riot. If I did 10 minutes, I had to fucking riot. You've got to get the word out. You've got to get the word out that it's going to be encore time. All right? People have to know. It's like the opera. You know there's going to be a symphony. You've got to teach the audience to encore. True, true. It's not fair that we don't get the encore.

58:46No, when I'm done, I'm so happy to get off the beat.

58:50Shane Gillis:No, but not if it was after 15 minutes. Going back out with another. That's my plan. That'd be nice. You could do a little encore, but man, it's been, I don't know what that does to my body when I'm having, and it's just the physical symptoms. I'll be like, oh, what the fuck's that? And I go, oh, great. I know what that is. And I go, anyway, guys. and I'm going, gonna fucking pass out. This isn't good. This isn't good. And I just go, no. And then my body just slowly comes back. And I'm like, that is some kind of cancer. You were wearing the ring that was telling how you would, like, what's it called?

59:19The physical ring. The aura ring. But then I said, what's it like when you're on stage? And you said, I take it off. I don't want to know. Well, you know what? You're showing it out right through the bed. You're like, it would scare me.

59:28Shane Gillis:I wore it one time. I did it for a whole hour. I was curious. I was like, I wonder what my body's up to. You know what's funny? It started out like the highest stress possible. and by the end, I'm at like completely restored and peaceful. It's really because I'm like so probably relieved. You're in the pocket. Once I get the first 15 minutes, I'm good. Yeah. But if I start, like if something happens in that first 15 minutes or I'll go like, dude, I think you skipped a giant chunk of material. And I go, what is it? I don't know. I don't remember it, but I know I did. You're going to finish with like, you're going to be done with like 27 minutes left and you're going to be fucked.

59:58Shane Gillis:And I'm like, no, I'm not. Stop. Come on. Can I take a break? I wish I had that heart monitor for that. Chicago Friday night with the audio. Yeah. You just seen spikes, cortisol spikes through the fucking roof, dude. Anytime there was reverb, I was just like, how could this be happening? Yeah, that was... Who did this? That's fucking brutal. Because then you're like, well, maybe it doesn't sound so bad in the crowd. That was the other thing up on stage. All you could hear is there's speakers all around you. So it's just your voice echoing in your head. And you're just like, please make that stop.

1:00:32Shane Gillis:Please. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard anyone say. and it's me and it's coming around from 360 degrees. Stop. Yeah, that happens. But yeah, I was happy to champ that. Every time I walk in cocky, I go like, it was so funny walking up and being like, these guys have no idea. I'm a veteran of the round. And I just walked up and was like, oh shit, this is crazy. Fuck, what the fuck, dude? Fuck, man. And I would start a joke here and end it over here and I'm like, fuck, you guys probably weren't paying attention to the first part. Shit. that uh that happens it takes you back to the first it's the equivalent of man these lights are bright up here this microphone's pretty loud that's like the first time i had sex it's very unnatural and it gets me every time but these bros were at the show and national and they're like how do you like do you get nervous do you how do you go out there and i was like i literally i can't think about it if i take once it before the show if i'm in the green room at all and i'm like fuck there's 20 000 people and i'm just gonna have to stand there and the entire night depends on if i do good or i just wasted all these people's time and money it's the most people ever that anybody's done this and i'm just gonna stand there by myself i mean you've literally affected traffic patterns in the city yeah like the city has been altered the whole there's so much economy of the city like the local bars

1:01:57Shane Gillis:philly's gonna be yeah that's gonna be wild when i open for you i don't it's because i whenever if i'm doing something for someone else typically it's just like there's not even room for like anything yeah because i'm like this is great i can't fuck this up but it's for myself i'm like oh no dude this sucks but yeah it's uh that's gonna be fun thankfully the roast is there to break up the panic attacks true so i'll be focused on freaking out about that you'll be panicking about that. That's a nice reprieve. The link's going to be sick. That will be tight. The link is going to be sick, but every single person in Philly if I go to I was in Philly last year, every single person's like I'll see you in July, dude.

1:02:35Is this the football stadium gig that you're doing? What is the capacity? It'll be like close to 80. It'll be the all-time record at the stadium. Because it's the round as well. Yeah, obviously. For any event. Hopefully. Hopefully it goes well. You'll have a great time. It's going to crush. It's going to suck. Sounds like a good way to ruin every day in the lead up to that gig. Yeah, every day until July 17th, I'll be staring at those wrens. True. Now that's nice. Those guys.

1:03:11Shane Gillis:Dear God, make me a bird and take me flat, far, far away. Please, I wish I could be one of those fucking wrens. You know what I was thinking about today? I saw I saw I guess it's a crow with those birds at the airport that just fucking scream at you. Oh Those are like Austin what crackles dude. I love dickheads. They are funny. I fucking love dude. I was we was dry I had to go to like PTA meetings this morning. So we're like driving on the highway It's all a crackle just chilling on like we're like this homeless guy usually chills and I saw you like he became a crackle I think he did He floated down this thing like floated down so lightly and landed on this little like metal thing on the highway or like where you get off on the off ramp and it was just like picking crumbs out of cigarette butts and i was like how crazy to be a bird just be flying like this celestial being and then you have to just land a fucking wicked earth and you're just like picking crumbs out of shit then you fly again beautifully i saw as soon as i landed in austin i saw two of them bathing in a puddle on the road disgusting dirt water dude moments ago they're soaring majestically there's nothing majestic about those those things blow they are some of the shittiest birds I love them so much they're funny they have no fear of people they're just like mean pigeons we got a new bird in Australia called the noisy Indian minor and they're an invasive species from India and then he's loud I know, I know.

1:04:39They're these loud Indian birds that everyone goes, you've got to kill them. But we don't have guns and we don't have BB guns, so you've got to find creative ways. You guys can't have BB guns? No, you can't have a BB gun. What? But all the bird people used to work for a bird charity and everything's like, we love birds. We've got to protect birds. And then they'd be like, the Indian bird, fucking kill that bird. If you find that bird, you kill that bird. You guys aren't even allowed to have BB guns? There's no freedom. What, does the government say you're going to shoot your eye out? The government says it's going to get lodged in your hand.

1:05:05Oh, I want a Red Rider BB gun. Nar. What's one of the many problems? So what's the Indian burden? There's no way you guys are not allowed to have BB guns. What about in the Outback, dude?

1:05:17Shane Gillis:What if you live in the fucking Outback? I've never seen a BB gun in Australia. What? Okay, wait, you've never seen it. No, no, I don't believe we're allowed to have them. You must not be, because if you were allowed, I feel like... Yeah. Yeah, that's actually probably a good rule. Australians should not have BB guns. All that white trash DNA and no BBs, that's crazy, dude. Dude, there's nothing better than your older cousin being like, dude, check this shit out. I'm so scared of that. I don't even want to hold that. I'm too scared. I remember someone, I remember the pump action. Are they allowed to have them?

1:05:44They have to be allowed to have toy guns.

1:05:46Shane Gillis:They're not, this, it says they're just highly regulated and classified as firearms. I got my BB permit. You got to have a license for a BB gun. That's what it seems like, yeah. You need a proper license and registration. What? Or else it's a criminal offense. How are the bin chickens doing? I like those guys. We like those. It's so big. Taurus taking pictures of him. We look like fucking morons. There was a Vietnamese guy who was killing him. I knew we were going to. Do you know this story? No. Oh, this was a story on the news a while ago in Sydney where a guy was like killing him and eating him, and he got in trouble, and he was like a Vietnamese guy, and he was going, you're allowed to do it back home.

1:06:22And then later on in the news story, they're like, you're allowed to do it back home in the state north in Queensland. You're allowed to do it. Everyone thought he meant Vietnam. He's an odd Vietnamese man just killing street birds, but he meant Queensland. Anyway, it was fun. You could eat him in Queensland? In Queensland, apparently you can eat them. That's nice. They're big. What do these Indian birds do? They just squawk and they're invasive. They push the other birds out and they work in groups. There's about 15 of them bullying our sweet native local birds. Damn. Sorry. It's really funny.

1:06:53You know, just a big gang of the Indian miles will swoop down on a beautiful, lonely Australian bird. Yeah. You know, on a bus or something. Dang, that's crazy. It's not right. I was just listening to it make bird sounds for like two minutes. It just sounds like a regular bird. Like the Indian bird. Yeah. It just sounds like a regular bird. I think this is a.

1:07:15Shane Gillis:How versed are you on. You're pro. You're pro. I love bird noises, dude. They get rid of our big. We got big, beautiful, strange birds that they're driving out. You got some wild shit down there. We got cockatoos. We got kookaburra. Kookaburras are nice. If they toss the kookaburras, I'm going to be. We got what? Birds of Paradise. Rifle birds. We got so many. We got the cassowary. They're very scary. They kill British people every now and again. Those are scary. Yeah. Big legs. So what does the kookaburra do again? I know it does. It sits in the old gum tree. The very American king of the bushes.

1:07:42Shane Gillis:Just laughs at it. Just laughs at it. Laugh, kookaburra laugh. Kookaburra gay, your life must be. That's our song. You'll be birded out. I mean, we got to clamber up, man. We got to at least inspect the site. I would love nothing more than for us to install it. And I'll share the app with you. You can also have the bird watching app. And we can stare at them together because we'll both get the notifications. and I'll go out there at night sometimes that's what the Patreon is Patreon is a live bird feed now I would love that the bird feed it's a feed bird feed I like that that's good maybe we can tweet the bird feed too maybe that you guys see how much better this is than our pedophile 30 minute show talking birds that's fun I forgot all about it.

1:08:31And we managed to make the bird thing racist, which I like.

1:08:36And, of course, LeMaire defended the fucking invasive species. You're an invasive species.

1:08:48What do you have to say? You got anything to say, dude? It just seems like a nice regular bird. That's all I'm saying. Get them out. Lock them up.

1:08:57Shane Gillis:kill having to be like having to kill like a bird for your government would be kind of chill oh god damn it i'm the dumbest guy ever what uh my car that got destroyed they're like do you have anything in here i was like no it's got my social security birth certificate every single thing i own is it's been made into a cube now don't worry about it because i had to get my driver's license. Damn, someone could just steal your identity. You're going to go up to the fucking link to some guys and be like, hey, guys, anyway. Oh! He's just crushing. You're like, get him off. Damn, this guy's good.

1:09:35Shane Gillis:Just murdering. He's just got a new 20. You're like, fuck. Huh? Turns out all you do need is a Trump impression. You are in a weird position of getting to pick the car now. It's a huge identity moment. I know, and I don't know what car to pick. I think you get one of those Houston low ones with the big spikes coming out either side of the wheels. I can't do that. Why not? It's crazy. It's time. It's time. Too much attention. You gotta go sleek. Very sleek. You know what I mean? I liked my car. That was a nice car for you. My CRV's still rocking, so I'm gonna ride it out. but I got it. Every car I pick, everyone's like, that's the gayest thing ever.

1:10:20Shane Gillis:Jeep Gladiator. I thought Jeep Gladiator could be a cool girl dad car. I thought I could get a cool car and somebody was like, it's for real so gay. I was like, all right, well then you tell me what the fuck you got. Get a Raptor. It's like, I'm not driving a fucking Raptor. Yeah. You're not a pickup truck guy. SUV. I've seen you drive a Suburban. SUVs are nice. You're nice in the SUV. I've been driving trucks. Everywhere, when I drive for any show, I rent trucks to go from city to city. That's exciting. It's been kind of fun. It's been driving every new pickup truck to see which one I like. Let me tell you, though, the people, I'm backing a people, I'm backing a minivan.

1:10:51Back in a minivan. 2000, Japanese Toyota. Beautiful fabric. It's nice. It's got a V6 engine in it. I've looked at the retro. It's nice.

1:10:59Shane Gillis:Well, everyone's saying don't buy a new car. Everyone who's like a hardcore car guy is like, don't buy anything new right now. Get like into something old that, you know, hasn't been made like 10 years ago and just, I don't know why. I don't know. I wish I knew about cars. My brother almost convinced me to do a Cybertruck. It's so easy to get. I was like, yeah, I'll just do that. Is there a 0 % interest right now? I'd like that. That's nice. Yeah. The Land Cruiser? Yeah. That's nice. 1997. That's cool. I mean, you're probably, you're connected enough. That's nice. You could get the Waymo things on.

1:11:29You could buy whatever car you want. You guys should just get a Waymo? Buy your own Waymo. Buy your Waymo. Then you can drink and drive anytime.

1:11:34Shane Gillis:James, you're on to something about that. You're one of the only people in the world who might be able to get on the phone to the Waymo Corporation and say, I should have the world's first private Waymo. That would be, dude, I honestly love Waymo. Just everywhere I go, everyone's fucking with the car. Also, no highway travel at all. Also, I'm drinking and driving the whole time. Just like, you want to follow me? Just fucking losing my mind every trip. Yeah, I was going to do a Waymo to meet my kids somewhere, and it was like a 20-minute drive. I'm like, I'll get him to Waymo. It was like an hour and 20 minutes.

1:12:07Shane Gillis:I was like, all right. You custom fit your own Waymo. You get a bed put in there. You just get to lie down. I would like to lay down more. Yeah. This is my idea. This is what I think Waymo should be doing. I might be able to have not stood up for a day. Dude. Instead of flying, you fly for an hour and a half, you get to the new city. This is my idea. Beautiful bed in a Waymo. You just go to sleep. Drives you to the city. That's nice. You wake up eight hours later. And between the plane and Waymo, you could have a Segway where you just kind of get tied to it and you just win in again. Sleep on that.

1:12:39Fucking just takes you to the city. I think I'm just inventing paraplegia. That's what I'm going for.

1:12:43Shane Gillis:Like a guy sleeping on a horse just tied to the saddle. That'd be a fun thing. We should start getting the heroin people on segways. They hit that fucking lean forward. That thing's going 90 miles an hour. That'd be fun. That'd be crazy. Their noses are like right over the ground. That'd be nice, though, to be like, all right, put them on segways and just point them north and be like, yeah. Go. Go and get. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, Austin's just those fucking shitty birds and homeless people. Yeah, true. Those two, I've always seen them together. That's a fair theory. They have a very symbiotic relationship.

1:13:20They do.

1:13:20Shane Gillis:They do. They do. That bird was just eating like homeless crumbs, basically. I was watching it just pick at. It was like weird shit. Like they're elephants. The what? Like they're elephants? Like the birds are on them? Yeah, cleaning their teeth. Yeah, that's good stuff. That's why they're screaming at the airport. They're just picking little particles out of their teeth. They're like, ah! It's so weird. It's weird to see it again. We don't have crack in Australia. We just have methamphetamine. It's a slightly different homeless person. Yeah, it's way more. Crack people are a little more, they're in a fantasy land slightly more.

1:13:54The mood is improved and I don't know, there's a spirit of joy about it. But the meth people, it's just sheer. I couldn't disagree more. No, meth people are spookier, I find.

1:14:04Shane Gillis:Yeah, they're more like politically tapped in as well. More ready to have violence, more ready to question your ideas. Yeah, I'm not saying, I'm saying the people in Austin are fucking evil. I've never walked by a fucking homeless guy. I mean, he's having a good time. They're literally having audible arguments. I see a sense of there's a theater about it, like that woman who wears caution tape instead of clothing. You know, she's having an experience. She's doing. Yeah. I don't know if I've seen her. They're funnier. You'll see her when you see her. Crack people are funnier. Remember the street joke guy in Philly who would come up and be like, I got a joke for you guys.

1:14:33Yes.

1:14:34Shane Gillis:That's messy. I don't see them here. Yeah. I don't see the crack homeless people here. the angry run. That's more of a Philly thing, you're right. A lot of angry homeless people. Meth is pretty big here too now, though. Meth kind of piggybacked heroin cities pretty hard where it would kind of come in and a lot of the heroin guys got into meth as well. Jets a bad one. Meth is the worst. Phoenix is meth city, dude. Phoenix was bad. Me and Nate saw fucking, or me and Sean saw needles on the ground walking around. I don't want to make everything about Oklahoma, but last time I was in Oklahoma, they'd cut the, when you go to fill up your tie, like someone had a flat tire and you go to do it and they cut the tip off at the gas station that you used or it's called the needle yeah and they said they cut the needles off for drugs and i thought they were using they were like fucking jamming that into their arms but they use it like a pipe it's a perfect pipe so that they just don't have them uh that you can't fill your tire up in oklahoma should piss me off it's not right yeah that would piss me off but yeah meth i would agree meth is i think one of the if i had moved with city i got to pick the drug everyone's on meth is Heroin's pretty chill.

1:15:36I'd pick heroin for sure.

1:15:37Shane Gillis:Heroin, yeah. Sleepy. Just lay down. Heroin's pretty chill. Meth would be the worst, you think? Yeah, I think so. Meth. Because they get like real, you know, it's a very like I got to do this thing now. Yes. Kind of drug. Because the head moves differently. We've got a lot. We're still in Australia. I only got really. Heroin's gone away and meth is. But it's the head moves like this. And people get skinny and sweating. And I'm back on public transport. And I'm seeing it. our buses are not as spooky as yours but they still that's why it's weird when you get one no comment you're doing the smile can you do takeouts now is Australia still anti-take take it away food from the restaurant kind of thing yeah food poisoning sometimes we're disagreeable about it I remember we tried to take our food and you're like you guys can't have that I was like what I've convinced neither of you to come back for a show it's the flight I like the Australia at the flight It's just brutal, bro.

1:16:34Shane Gillis:I don't know how you just bounce it back and forth. Huh? 14 lovely hours. I had a great time. I watched Succession for the first time. That's nice. It's pretty good. Yeah. I'll never watch it. I watched season four. I've never watched any other season. Oh, no. That's like the worst way to watch it. It's so good. I could tell it was beautiful. I got the picture. Yeah. We're going to do it. It's time for us to take the company. No, they all suck. They're all weak. It's the same thing as season one. It's the episode where he goes, you're not serious people. And I thought, I've said that before. I've said that to people.

1:17:05Shane Gillis:I like when, I don't know what season it is, when the old man goes to the liberal news station. He goes, thank you for welcoming us Romans amongst your Greek city. It was just a funny, weird rich guy thing to say. Remember, I have no idea what he's talking about. I'm like, Dan, that sounds so cool. Yeah, it's awesome. Now that I've studied Rome, I know what he's talking about. Speaking of. Dude, I... You think it's time for the Patreon? We're going to do it this week. We already did. We did the page this week. Next week, we're going to have a... Dude, I have 19 pages of notes typed about the fall of Rome.

1:17:37Shane Gillis:Just like the beginning of Julius Caesar crossing the Rubicon. Why he did it. What's the foundational myths of Rome? What shaped the Roman citizens' identity? I wish I could be here for that. That's my degree. Yeah, you were fucking... You minored. I didn't know you had a minor in class. That's my degree. But also, at some point, I want to put pressure... I'm happy to do it publicly that the Civil War podcast is yet to happen. All right, I'll do it. You'll do it? Do you want to do it now? Do you want to do it? Give me a minute. I'm thinking about little Sherman and Grant. podcast episode. Okay.

1:18:05Discuss Sherman and Grant. See what they were up to. You don't want to start with the cause? You could rattle off the top of your head causes of the War of Northern Aggression. Oh, brother. Oh, brother. You've got an hour in you for that. Maybe. It was blacks. It was a dog. Industrialization. The forest of industrialization. I'm all right with that. Yeah, we can. I'll do that. It's nice. It'd be nice

1:18:32Shane Gillis:We can just start researching stuff It's time Sherman and Grant are the bros It's time for you to learn about Sherman and Grant Both or South? These are Northern guys You list these ass Grant William Tecumseh Sherman I'm in Anyway That should be it, huh? Yeah, I think we did it Great job We teased some Futures A bit of a CTA you know little CTA mix in there nice that's what it's all about good to see you James thank you for having me thank you man stoked on you sad that I had to go away almost immediately yeah but dude we'll reunite in Canada how cool is that we'll be together in Canada wait what are you guys doing same place Toronto we'll be in Toronto the agent has for some reason put us both in Canada on the same night kind of a wild move but it means we'll get to hang out true but everything's good fucking Ethan yeah we're both we're both all our shows are both at capacity so It's fine.

1:19:29Shane Gillis:We're good to go. Good to go. That's crazy. It still is kind of weird. It's very strange. I'll see it every now and again. I'll get linked with Sodor somewhere where I'm kind of like, why are we at the same place? I don't like that. Who are you bringing to Toronto? CJ. He's from Chicago. Well, I was going to bring CJ. No, no, not CJ. Sorry, AJ. Sorry, my bad. I'm getting my boys mixed up. AJ. I'll bring AJ. Okay. Going alphabetical order. Not AJ. AJ. Hungry Jacks? I'll be supplying the AJ. They're a big sponsor of the Adelaide Crows, who, by the way - Season's turning around. It's going to be all right.

1:20:01Cry boys. I heard big texts. He had six kicks. He had five goals. Nice. And it was fantastic. I can really, if we make it to the finals. And you called him. Wow, wow, Wes. Whoa. Whoa now. Cut that. Cut that. And then James McCann said. Cut that. I said, how are the Crows doing? I don't need that on me. Oh, cut. Didn't we have a nice wholesome moment? before we mentioned the football. That was a good place to end the pod. I do believe. Probably over time. Goodbye, cry boys. He's my hero. Yeah, you would never want to do that. Trust me. All right.

1:20:42Shane Gillis:Bye. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.