Ep 623 - The Good Guy Weed (feat. Lemaire Lee)

22:15Shane Gillis:There's something that strikes me as slightly sad about it. Young babes are obviously awesome. They are obviously awesome. You can definitely look at it that way. I do. No, it's just my natural reaction. I go, I don't like it. We do have to hurt the value of young babes. They're too confident. They're too powerful right now. You think so? Yeah. Nah, that's a, they're like gold, dude. They don't go down. We need to get the babes in trade school.

22:42Shane Gillis:I'm sorry to sour the vibe. I'm just being honest. I just. I don't think you're souring the vibe. I see that and I go, Belichick. It's weird. And here's the gauge. It's probably because I have kids, but I'm like. If my 20-year-old daughter was dating a 70-year-old, I'd try to stop. I'd do everything in my powers. Be like, no, don't do that. That guy, you're his sex doll. But, Matt, what if he had six Super Bowl rings? Mm-mm. It's bad. It's going to end up bad. He's going to die. True. I hope this guy dies as soon as possible. I'm going to hopefully do heroin and shit. I hope he does heroin. I hope North Carolina goes eight and four.

23:20he does heroin and bangs a fucking 25 year old

23:26Shane Gillis:it's philosophical rift there's no way it's bad it's genuinely bad I would go this is a bad thing this guy's doing I would pray on his downfall the entire time I hope this guy dies now if he was dating my 20 year old kid I go I want this guy to die because he's being praised it's weird but whatever sorry I've been up too early I'm thinking of my sweet kids dude that's fair but yeah a hard line on this one i like it what if it was like a hard line i just i just think it's just i was like it's weird what if it was like it's certainly weird yeah no i don't think anyone thinks it's normal that's why it's funny it's not yeah i have the least funny take i'm sorry that's okay actually it's not nice what if it was like a legendary lesbian old lady coach would you have a problem then with your daughter?

24:18Shane Gillis:Yeah, 100%. Anybody doing something weird with a daughter is definitely a no. Yeah. I don't know. I like the idea of a geezer going on like a vision quest where it's like completely detaching and just going off like Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan. And just there's something about it like on an 80-year-old's like gripping sensory pleasures. It's like, fuck, dude. Let him go. Yeah. You're gonna fucking die. Let go of her titties, dude. You're going to die. Really? I don't know. But they're always like fucking at old folks' homes. Also disgusting to think about. Without a doubt, disgusting. But come on, man. You don't want them to still have life?

25:00Shane Gillis:You can have life. Well, this is, again. Who are you to tell people not to have sex? I'm not saying don't have sex. Trust me. As one who's been ruled by sexual impulses, it's never led me to a good place. Is it because you're afraid? you were hoping someday to conquer the sexual impulse and to see a man fall to it, it brings you a little... Perhaps. It might just remind me of my greatest weaknesses and fucking struggles in life. To me, it's like seeing an old man smoke a cigarette or at the bar, you go, you're right, bro. True. Find what you love and let it kill you. It's true. What, are you going to fucking get morals at the end?

25:38Now that I'm 75, it's time for me to stop enjoying the things I used to like and read a good book and fall asleep and die. Could be. That's why Ric Flair rules, dude. Yeah, Ric Flair fucking rules. I got hammered with Flair and he was pointing at chicks at the bar. Yeah, yeah. Don't get me wrong. It was like. But. Like, fuck yeah. He's doing his thing.

26:03Shane Gillis:It's just, you know, I'm getting old. I'm getting cranky. Hitting a fucking woo at the bar. That's sick. That's awesome. That's not an idly sick. He's doing a fucking Migos music video. Fucking right. Yeah. The dirt sheets were saying Ric Flair would get drunk and challenge people to planks at the bar. Like, old man Ric Flair would challenge people to planks. He'd do a five-minute plank. Like, you owe me some beer. Five-minute planks, nuts. Yeah. Whatever. I've soured the cast. I'm sorry, dude. I've soured the cast. I've absolutely soured the cast. Nothing you're saying is incorrect. I just...

26:37I like, though. Somebody was just telling me this old UFC fighter has a bar. I like when an old wrestler, old UFC, is it Liddell? No. It's Tito Ortiz. Tito Ortiz. Yeah, he's running Florida right now. Yeah.

26:51Shane Gillis:He's got a bar and he just posts up. Yeah. Just bartends. Ripped shots. That's sick. Tells everybody, I'll beat the fuck out of you. Fuck yeah. I knocked out Chuck Liddell once. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you got to do something. I don't know. I just, I don't know. sure you can be around for your grandkids or whatever but fuck them kids dude I'm gonna open a bar in Florida and fucking die

27:19that's how Hulk Hogan died yeah Hulkamania yeah didn't he open a bar down there yeah Hulkamania

27:25Shane Gillis:fucking rocks I'm telling you I'm very I'm too virtue-pilled right now I'm too not not and again we're not talking about apparently in medieval time there was the virtues where you just do cool stuff and you'd be a noble fucking noble person. You'd be bummed out when you find out what they were up to back then. Well, they had blind spots, obviously. They had blind spots. They did have blind spots. So, I don't know. But it's a sick idea. It's like, what else? Yeah, I don't know what else you'd do. I'm also a big, I don't feel like stuff. Like, when good things happen, I'm like, okay. Yeah. If I was 80 having sex with a 24-year-old, it would just be going to be sick the first couple times, obviously.

28:02Shane Gillis:But, and then I would just go, well, what else am I going to do now? It wouldn't be sick the whole time, Matt. Huh? It wouldn't be sick the whole time. No, I know. For sure not. For sure not. Because eventually. It never is. Yeah. But. Eventually, it's just like. I mean, Jay-Z cheated on Beyonce, you know? Eventually, you go. Yeah. I could do something else. But he's got the season to look forward to. He does have the season to look forward to. He's got to lock in for the Tar Heels. I mean, dude. Imagine. Okay. Imagine. Bit of a distraction. So, you know, she probably hit him with the, like. so I was thinking maybe this weekend we go to my parents' house.

28:38Shane Gillis:Imagine Belichick coming. What the fuck? We got Clemson this week. You're trying to grill hot dogs? Honey, we got to focus on Clemson.

28:49Yeah, she's occasionally on the sideline.

28:53Shane Gillis:That's fair. That's fair. It's a great program. She's probably good. Don't just say that's why they gave her the job, dude. She's probably really good at what she does. What does she do? Matt hit the fucking virtue weed. He hit the fucking good guy weed. Sorry, sorry. He hit a little toke of that good guy. I'm hung up on the virtues, dude. We need, people need, not, again, not just like the rule following kind of medieval virtue. I'm talking about truly fucking. Yeah. I love that shit. Virtue? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it is. It's the, you know, again. It's the, whatchamacallit, that was Socrates' big thing.

29:37Shane Gillis:He's like, dude, if you had an itchy butt for your whole life and you scratched the itch but the itch remained, is that truly pleasure? Sheesh. Yeah, dude. And I said, fuck Socrates, I have an itchy butt all the time and no, it's not pleasure. Scratching is such pleasure. Scratch is a pleasure but the itch remains forever. So is that truly pleasure? So then what, yeah, so the itch is going to remain no matter what? You got to clean your butt. Oh, well, yeah, of course. But in that analysis. Well, is that the highest good? that's the question is that the highest good he's like if the itch remains is it truly the highest good uh no it's like it can't be the highest good but definitely if the itch is going to remain no matter what and when you scratch it it feels good true but they get a little respite from the respite from the itch true i mean again that that was the other one dude if there's too much but i don't think there's too much tension on the boat i don't think a hot 25 year old girlfriend is an itchy butt?

30:33Shane Gillis:I'd say they might. They could be itchy butt. They're the best version of an itchy butt for sure. Compared to an ugly seven-year-old wife? Yeah. They can be a real itchy butt. Who knows every scratch? They could be an itchy butt. With zero scratch. They could be an itchy butt for sure. And she knows everything about you. You know? An old seven-year-old wife who knows everything about you. She can hurt you so bad. I think you would go post-sex by 70. You're not, you're going to be, I think you would move beyond it for the most part. Or you just get, like I said, you know, maintenance handjobs. Work on your garden.

31:05Shane Gillis:I'm subscribing my life now. Let's get real into gardening. Dude, I don't know what the fuck you guys are talking about. You guys are jerks.

31:15Shane Gillis:You guys are fucking jerks. You got to get NCAA. You got to run a program. Run the Tar Heels. Lock in. Live a day. Walk a mile in his shoes. We should Freaky Friday. you and bill no we should freaky friday we should freaky friday but just not i can't do anything i know what i do i'm not i can't no we should freaky friday but not switch bodies and just show up my house hey babe i wonder how many days it would take for them to accept it i think after a decade they'd be like yeah you could that's matt you could trick you could for real if we both committed dude a girl would believe it in like three days you're like no for real it's me babe i can just tell you our anniversary and she'd be like oh my god it's you yeah she's like yeah if she asked like where'd you put the vacuum i'd be like i don't fucking I should be like, it is you.

32:22Shane Gillis:How the fuck should I know? Yeah, you could trick women into a freaky Friday. Easily. We did freaky Friday. We freaky Friday. What happened? I'm like, it was a lightning storm. We touched the same rock and we freaky Friday. We just had a big argument.

32:37So you think it's so easy, Matt.

32:46Shane Gillis:we jumped in the pool at the same time

32:52yeah me and the music freaky friday we wouldn't know i would just go god damn i gotta fucking waste it i woke up in the pool house anyway jack off and play video games hey do you want to order pizza rolls yeah pizza rolls are Treacherous.

33:14Shane Gillis:That's so funny. Here we go. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Even today, there's still significant stigma around seeking support for mental health. BetterHelp's 2026 state of the stigma report surveyed. You ready for this? 2 ,000 Americans and revealed that 85 % of Americans believe that getting support is wise. Yet 74 % say society discourages people from doing so. Wow. I didn't know about that study. I'm just trying to take that all in right now. I've experienced it myself, guys. Let me talk about some time when I experienced stigma around mental health and or getting support. Explore where that happened.

34:00Shane Gillis:I mean, this is actually deeply personal. I don't like to talk about it. But I begged my parents when I was younger. I had severe mental health issues. and I begged them to send me to a camp for the summer that would make me like girls again. Yes. And they refused. They said, no, you don't need that therapy. You don't need any of that therapy, boy. Crap, son. You just got to work hard. You'll forget about it. I said, mom, I really need help. I need to go to the camp with the priests. They're going to help me like girls again. They said, get out of here, boy. Get out there and sow the fields. And I said, yes, I'm.

34:31Shane Gillis:Yeah. And they stigmatized me pretty bad. That's OK. You got out of it. I did. nothing should, I went to the camp, I did what I had to do, nothing should stop you from getting help when you need it. That's also why, as the world's largest online therapy platform, BetterHelp makes finding a therapist a breeze. Just answer a few questions to get matched. And if it's not a good fit, you can easily switch to someone else. No problem. No judgment. That's nice. Don't let stigma stay in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp. The help with the better. Sign up and get 10 % off betahelp.com slash MSSP.

35:08That's better, H-E-L-P, dot com slash MSSP.

35:12Shane Gillis:Guys, August 7th, San Jose, California. Also August 8th, San Jose. Spokane, Washington, August 13th and 14th. I'll be doing stand-up there as well. And then in the fall, it all kicks off Portland, Maine, Boston, Royal Oaks, Michigan, Milwaukee, Charlotte, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Chattanooga. Go to mattmccuster.com, a bunch more cities if you want to get tickets. I'll be doing stand-up up until december 19th and then we'll figure it out from there wow you're going wild yeah uh july 17th uh at lincoln financial field they just put out some new tickets there they reconfigured the stage so some more tickets are available uh and then in charleston august 8th charleston check it out yeah i don't know i sour the cast i apologize

36:03Fucking weed. You're in your head about it. There's nothing wrong. I know.

36:08Shane Gillis:I know. I'm totally chill. What are you talking about? Fucking chill, dude. I don't care that Bill Belichick has a 25-year-old company. I don't wish him any. I have no ill will towards him. I just go, I don't know. It's odd. Yeah. But. It's odd. My problem is, again, if he's seven years old and he's smashing on the low and he's going like, I just can't get the dog out of me, fair. when he's like taking Instagram pictures with her. It's like, bro, you're pigging out. You have to chill. That's part of the kink. It's part of his kink to walk around. It could be. He's like got a Billy Madison thing.

36:43Shane Gillis:It could be. The way I look at it, and I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, is just like, yeah, what? What's Instagram? Sure. Yeah, she likes this shit. I don't give a fuck. He doesn't have Instagram. He's not looking at anything. He's probably genuinely like, yeah, I don't fucking know. Yeah. we're worried about we got Maryland next week I don't care if you take pictures I don't care if you sit next to him don't take pictures with him he's still sterling yeah and again I guess you know this is a sacrificial babe sacrifice of the Patriots there's been many to be fair and this is a fair thing sacrifice of the New England Patriots I will say this.

37:29Shane Gillis:It does take two to tango. So, you know. That was my original point. Yeah, it does take two to tango. At a certain age, it's like. Yeah, for sure. This is a decision. Oh, for sure. She made it. She's 25 or 26. It's a decision they're making. Yeah, 25. I thought she was like 21. 26. That's not that bad, actually. She's got a slight idea of what's going on. I think, yeah, I think her brain just finally formed. Yeah, I wonder how true that is. Because I've been saying, I think Rogan said it on a podcast, and we've all, as a country, just said it. No, no, no. I think they've said that for a long time.

38:03Shane Gillis:It's probably true, because. But, I mean, how much of your brain do you only use 10 % of your brain? And they also say that, and I don't even know what the fuck that means. I don't know either. Yeah, it's all worse shit. I think you use the whole thing. Everything's worse shit. I think if I cut a piece out of your brain. That's a major issue. Fuck, I was using that part. Yeah. I was using that ancient brain. Now my right leg thinks it's my left leg, and I walk weird now. Thanks a lot Now that you're saying it That is fucking bullshit It's all horseshit You gotta use your whole brain They go yo Your body's fucking 85 % of water It's like No it's not There's no fucking water in there I'm certain Yeah That's a fair point It's all fucking horseshit Not 85 % Whatever they say it is No you're right They say like it's 85 % Yeah It's gotta be 10 I have way more blood in me than water I'm pretty sure I'm 100 % blood I'm fucking blood and shit mostly turds piss and blood it's all turds shit piss jizz and blood yeah there's no water there's only a little bit of water in my penis when I pee it out water's in me for like an hour at a time and I pee it out that's my number one bug out what's going on there Nate real quick I'm looking it up it says we actually use 100 % of our brain yeah they've always lied about that Just an urban legend.

39:23Shane Gillis:They were probably listening to this conversation. It's all urban legends. Every single thing. I was listening to some shit yesterday. They were like, knock on wood comes from an ancient thing where pagans used to talk. Ritual. Did you see the thing about birthdays? It's like, shut up. Did you see the... I watched the same thing about birthdays. You're doing like some weird pagan witchcraft. Yeah. Oh, the people that couldn't write? Yeah. Fucking a thousand years ago. That's where we're taking all our shit from. No, it's not. You're actually making... I watched the thing. It said you're making yourself older every time you do your birthday.

39:51Shane Gillis:because you're like doing some weird spell and it was like... Somebody talks to me about spells or ancient anything. They say you need to shut up. My theory on the birthday, they turn the lights off. Computer time. I always thought the birthday was you turn the lights off to simulate the darkness of the vaginal canal and the candle lights are like the world and you're coming out to it. No, I think people just like candles. They go, make a wish. The lights, oh, they turn the lights out for the candles. Yeah. Not everything's got some deep ancient meaning. I don't know. I feel like I think vaginal re-simulating it's your birth again.

40:22It's dark and you're going sit in front of everyone like a fucking baby. And everyone surprised you.

40:31Someone slaps you.

40:38That's an interesting one.

40:38Shane Gillis:Where'd you hear that? Made it up. Oh, nice. Made that up. I was really thinking about it one day. I'm like, it's got to be something. I don't think. they were can we look up where they why you light candles and do all that shit it's gonna say pagans yeah apparently pagans invented everything yeah easter bunny apparently easter bunny is if that's an easy one i think that was just a spring that was like freya the goddess and then you know we're just like yeah keep some of that shit in here because we did have to appease the pagans there were so many fucking pagans yeah so we did have to appease them but i don't i don't like the whole magic ritual like every time you do this you're actually doing an ancient magic ritual demons are entering your mind like yeah like knock on wood was the one i watched like you're actually summoning an evil force but turns out knock on wood was like a little or like touch wood is a it's from like playing tag really and yeah a tree would be base and if you touched wood you were safe oh really yeah i don't know i don't like the 17 or 1800s i've gotten out of the habit and knocking on wood, by the way.

41:43That's good.

41:43Shane Gillis:I stopped. I'm like, I'm not doing this. This is dumb. I would feel seriously like that. I'd really better knock on wood than something bad. Oh, really? Yeah, I was very superstitious, dude. I'd be like, if I don't knock on wood, something bad could happen. Something bad's going to happen. True. Something real bad. True. Think of just about the worst thing. True. No, I don't practice. But then some really good shit's going to happen. Yep. And then, God willing, you're 75. You're the head coach of the North Carolina Tar Heels. you've won five Super Bowls you're banging a 25 year old and she's going let's take an Instagram picture and you go I don't even know what that is I think I've identified it he can almost anyone can bang a 25 year old he just doesn't want to pay for it speak for yourself moron you could hire a prostitute you could hire a prostitute you could hire he wants to do it by the books Yeah, those are forbidden deeds.

42:42That's not virtuous. That's a crime. I don't like that. Dark spells, man. Yeah, that's evil.

42:48Shane Gillis:My thing is if it's just about the sex, get a prostitute. Maybe it's not. What if he loves her? Maybe he likes having somebody fucking young in his life, again, instead of a 70-year-old wife that's like, what? True. What are you doing? I don't want to go do stuff. Yeah, but what do they do? It's got to be just him and her. If he hangs out with her friends, that's going to be so fucking weird. come on what are you talking about what are we talking about he's so old if I found out my dad divorced my mom and was on a boat with 10 25 year olds I'd be like fuck it what are we talking about now if he did it when I was a kid I'd be like that's fucking insane Yeah, he's retired for sure.

43:40Shane Gillis:I get it. Just imagine, though. I'm just trying to put myself in that position. I'm 70-whatever, and I'm with her and three of her friends who are eating pad thai, and they're talking, and I have to pretend to care or even be randomly interested. That's when it's going to just get a hooker at that point. I don't know. Again, this is Bill Belichick. I don't know if he has to be interested, and I don't think he cares to be interested. Genuinely, he's like, have you ever seen him talk? No. He doesn't talk. Really? He's like, yeah, okay. Yeah, next question. Yeah, we're not worried about that right now.

44:14We're already focused on the Jets. Like, him eating Pad Thai with four 25-year-olds, he's probably just like,

44:20Shane Gillis:He's thinking of the game. Pad Thai's pretty good. It's a little spicy. It's a little spicy. I really like when this lady sucks my penis. It's very nice. I really got to get out of here. We got to start grinding the tape. We got week one. We got East Carolina. And last year, our defense was terrible. Also, I didn't know she was 26 is slightly different. Because then if she was 30, it's like, okay. They've been named for like two years, right? Yeah, at least. Yeah. All right, so he rode the weird bike. He only rode the weird bike for a couple years. He was on a weird fucking unicycle for sure. Here come that boy.

44:5626 is different. I thought she was like way, way young. I think they met when she was real. I think she was a cheerleader for the Patriots. I could be there was definitely yeah maybe yeah there's definitely ring camera footage of him leaving a house which is you're gonna love it dude it's gonna change your mind

45:15Shane Gillis:what happened him walking out of a 20 something year old girl's house on a ring camera with his shirt off it's fucking it's hilarious dude just walking out to like a stone driveway like like just hands in his pockets whistling yeah Yeah, I mean, look, again, 26 is different.

45:41Shane Gillis:It's a man. It's a fucking man. True. I mean, I could be being too puritanical. Bill Belichick walk is shame.

45:54Shane Gillis:Yeah, that's the thing. I don't want to put him down. I'm not like anti-him or being like, I don't think that's very nice. I'm just going like, is that the best possible move? That's all. I'm asking myself. Is that truly a thing to idealize? I do not think it's the best possible move, and I don't think too many people idolize it. Yeah. I don't think so. I think you're right. I think he's getting made fun of a lot for it. Yeah, but again, it's not like I don't... I have no animosity towards the man. That's the thing. I just go, hmm, I wonder. I wonder if that's as sweet. Is it as sweet? I think a lot of people go, sweet.

46:26Shane Gillis:I go, yeah, there's always the reality of the thing, and it's never... Sounds sweet. Like, I'd like to watch them have sex and masturbate to it.

46:38I like to observe. He could, yeah.

46:46This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required. Compatibility and availability varies 18+. I get so many headaches every month. It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more.

47:19Botox, Autobotulinum Toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. It's not for those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month. Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. Allerge your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue, and headache.

47:46Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

48:04Shane Gillis:Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. No, 26 is, that skews things. She's almost 30. Once you're, that's it. She was young when they met. their meat story is is kind of funny what is it they met in 2021 when she was still enrolled in bridgewater state university in massachusetts she was reading a philosophy textbook on a plane and her and bill belichick chatted about her deductive logic textbook and he signed it and then that's how they met so she was reading a textbook doing homework on a plane and he chatted her up about her textbook and he signed it for her on a plane.

48:54This story gets hotter and hotter. Yeah. On a plane, sitting next to a fucking young hot chick and be like, I'm not sure if he left the snow. There's no way I can get some pussy out of this. Bill, you still got it.

49:05Shane Gillis:It is nice. He was like, I like your deductive logic. That's nice. Deductive logic. Yeah. They struck up a conversation about philosophy and then inside the message he said, thanks for giving me a course in logic. with an exclamation point when he signed the book. Dang. They kept in touch and started dating in 2023. So she was probably around 24 or 25 at the time. Okay. She took that book to her dad and was like, look who signed this. He was like, keep going. You're on the five-yard line, babe. Do you think they'll get married? I hope so. That would be actually. I hope so. I would support that.

49:49Shane Gillis:Although, now that I say it, Socrates, to be fair, Socrates actually had a baby. Yeah, didn't he fuck little boys? He had a baby with a young babe before he died. So he actually, so he can't really talk. He doesn't really want to talk. However, he's just, then again, it's these. The itchy butt pedophile guy? Itchy butt pedophile. Was Socrates a pedo, though? Hit him with rocks, dude. Throw rocks at that guy. Was he definitely a pedo? No. I don't know. I'll look, but. Wasn't Socrates like, wasn't he like exiled though? He got killed. Yeah, yeah. Made him drink the hemlock. Yeah. Now I want to know if he was a pedo or not because they apparently.

50:27Didn't they make him drink hemlock because he was like, the earth isn't the center of the universe? No. That wasn't him? Okay. No, that was Aristotle? Nope. Damn it. There's no historical evidence that Socrates engaged in pedophilic things. But since he was alive in ancient Athens, people just kind of assumed. Assume he did. Pederset was institutionalized in their mentorship.

50:55Shane Gillis:Yeah, that was a big thing. Well, that was your vessel. So you had to transmit all your knowledge to a young boy. They knew what they were doing. That's completely made up. Yeah, that's my vessel. I'm passing my knowledge. The final act, he has to jackass swallow me.

51:14Shane Gillis:My name is Blondie III. I'm actually from... I'm going to drink a gallon of old guy cum.

51:23Shane Gillis:No, you could. You are broadening my horizons on this right now. I am going like, you know, she's 26, 25. It's just too much public kink. That's all for me. Heavy public kink. Public kink is crazy. It's heavy public kink. But that's again, that's where I go. Him living his life. I don't think he gives a fuck. No, I don't think so. So that's something to aspire to. True. That's fair.

51:50I agree. I don't think he cares. I think he just goes like that. I'm sure he hears about it nonstop. At fucking football games, coaching. If he was playing my team, I'd be staunchly against it. I'd be screaming at the entire game.

52:06Shane Gillis:Yeah, I guess that all, you know, you have to handle all that in your household, I guess. Just be like, hey, you see a six-time Super Bowl champion coach. Try. Just do your best. Promise me to do your best. Not to set up a sensational romance with him. That's all you can do. I know. Yeah. It's crazy stuff. It is. It's a good episode. We covered Bill Belichick. We did extensively. We got to the bottom of it. I think we did. LeMair, what have you got? I went to Charlottesville last week And it's like a full girl town now They like changed it They call it Seaville You remember Charlottesville? That was the Tiki Torch town Yeah, yeah They had the big white pride march Yeah, it was crazy So what was it like?

52:56You just saw a lot of women there? No, it was just like all bookstores It wasn't anything I thought it would be Yeah, I think it's like a kind of a more liberal college town yeah yeah i didn't know i mean because you know the march the march was about being replaced you thought it was gonna be yeah southern gentleman yeah yeah thought it'd be a little bit more aggro but it was pretty chill i didn't like it though they didn't have like one game stop it was all girl stores pissed me off books and candles yeah all the boys got replaced dude they got rid of the game stops there's no game stops so they did replace us yeah fuck they did

53:35Shane Gillis:what they want, dude. No, that's a fair. If you fucking, if you do an, you know. Yeah, if there's a Unite the Right. Yeah. If you do a Unite the Right rally, they got to get rid of the Game Stops. Yeah, it's a penalty. It's like a five-year ban on games. They're still, they said tiki torches are still banned there. It's been like 10 years. Really? The tiki torches are still banned. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

53:59It's a good pillow for you. You look like the, you look like the mushroom in Mario Kart that picks up your car.

54:07Shane Gillis:Is there really a way? Can you even ban that legally? I feel like you couldn't ban the sale of Tiki torches. I don't know. Yeah, who told you that? One of the people. One of the citizens. They probably don't. Maybe. I don't know. I wonder if they just are slow to sell them. Yeah, I go, what are you doing? Yeah. Hey. Promise it's a barbecue?

54:29Promise you're not defending a Confederate statue? that I was saying, like, they grabbed the teaching georges

54:35Shane Gillis:and transformed. Yeah, I was laughing about that when I was in Minneapolis. I was like, when they had the whole Somali pirate thing, they were like, how could they let this go? I was just like, coming off the back of George Floyd, I could see white people being like, yeah, I'm going to chill for me. Right after that, be like, yeah, I don't know what the fuck these guys are. I think these black guys are up to something. What? I don't know. Keep driving. Look ahead. Did they all actually get in? Like, wasn't there, didn't that, like, wasn't that true? Oh, yeah. They busted it before the Nick Shirley thing.

55:08Shane Gillis:That had been, they'd already done, like, an extensive sting. Yeah. So, like, yeah, that was, like, completely, completely true. He just came a year later and was, like, pretty sure they're up to something. It was, like, yeah, dude, they did it already. They already did the sting. But maybe they were continuing. I don't know. But, you know, it was a good scheme. It's a great scheme. fake daycare is so fucking funny great scheme it's just so funny being bored inside of your fake daycare just being like that really hope nobody walks in here comes nick shirley some guy screaming at you the guy with a legal pad it was so funny but yeah that was that was my i got a lot of shit for that but it was really just like they already i like because i looked into it i was like man this is i watched it being like this is crazy then i looked it up and i was like oh they already already got these guys i think if they brought down a heroin ring and And you went to Philadelphia, like, Philadelphia has a heroin problem.

55:59Shane Gillis:I'm going to expose it. You just banged on some guy's door, and you're like, yeah, he's definitely got heroin in that door. Back to you. Yeah, no, that was like millions of dollars. I saw some heroin fellas in Austin. I was kind of surprised. Really? I saw some boys hitting the full-on fucking limbo. I haven't seen them yet. Yeah, I saw two or three. Nice. They're making their way. Making their way down south. Coming down where it's hot. Yeah. Black tar. I wonder how good that feels Heroin? No, not heroin But, you know Lizarding out Laying on a rock Getting sun while you're I think it's awesome It probably feels good as hell Yeah, I think the nod's like the best part Just fucking Completely out And waking up probably sucks I'm gonna look into the science Of how the fuck they stay upright It's pretty impressive Yeah Actually, especially if you're that inebriated Like, you'll just kind of Staying on your feet like that I literally couldn't do that.

56:56Shane Gillis:No. I would need heroin. Yeah, I would need heroin to pull that off. Although your hamstrings, for real, probably get a decent stretch. Their deadlifts are probably crazy.

57:07Well, these guys are always strong. Well, yeah.

57:09Shane Gillis:You gotta be, dude. Battling the elements. Battling the other guys. Battling the elements. When have you tested their strength? Are you talking about just how ripped they look? I've just seen them, dude. You ever see a crackhead carry your fridge? Drew, they are ripped. Yeah, how do they stay up?

57:33Shane Gillis:Nah, don't fall for that.

57:38If they fall, they're going to give it away that they're on heroin. Not that they're shirtless and bent at a fucking crazy angle. It's hitting the meme as lean.

57:50Shane Gillis:So the brain, the final part of the brain is like, don't fall. Don't fucking embarrass yourself. Don't be a fucking dumbass. It's hard to find exactly why, but yeah. I think they don't know. There's so much shit they have no idea. And scientists just can't be like, yeah, we have no clue. They're always just like, well, leading theory suggests. And you look into it, it's like, yeah, it's not proven at all. Maybe heroin rules. Maybe that's the fucking answer. Maybe it makes you better at balancing if you do the right amount. Definitely does. I would imagine. It's incredible. bent straight down for a long time and usually at like a corner where there's like a little slant on the sidewalk yeah true they find that divot that's what those divots are for walking up finally what is it saying yeah their central nervous system is just like they're pretty much they're just in sleep mode yeah computer

58:51yeah there's still updates they're still running but like they're just chilling it's running hot though it's like your station back there that's fucking horse shit that's a good station dude your station's out of control it's nice it's pretty good I don't do anything with it it just looks what are you talking about you're back there constantly I'm just yeah I don't even I'm not doing anything back there I just keep looking at the screens i'm like where make something up his station is oh a space station yeah i saw a new sopranos piece of art you brought into my house

59:33Shane Gillis:fucking insane he's hanging shit on that is like a bird's nest in there that's great i got the rams in the mayor that's four panties i keep forgetting to take it to the studio I saw the LED lights Are they going back there? That's from Teemu No I didn't say where it's from I said where you putting it I don't have anywhere to put it yet I gotta do a video for it I don't know

1:00:01Sex club Sex dungeon lighting I don't I just got the LED strips Because they're cheap And it was within my Teemu credit allowance So I just got them I'm not worried about where you got it I don't know where I'm going to put it. If you put fucking LED lights in that shitty Sopranos drawing back there, I'm going to be a little annoyed. The drawing is there. I know you're not going to take it when we move out. The painting is leaving. When I move out. You're not coming to the next place. You probably are going to the next place. We're moving on up. The painting's for panties. It's for panties. that's our art investment

1:00:44Shane Gillis:you should let the mayor just do the whole house you can get like a top interior they're being a decorator from a lot of people this is genius it's like who's the fucking guy Rick Owens I think who's the guy that does all black vampire clothes you know what I'm talking about I've been sending you this thing on Instagram he does like the track like the Korean Olympic team where they have like the fan suits so you can just look like a big ball and like walk around it's pretty sick they were like watching this being like this is the coolest shit i've ever seen it's literally just like goth he's just dressing people in goth shit and making them look like fucked up it's just he's like i'm expressing anger rage and this is the best place to do it it's just people at fashion week me this guy's the best at this rick owens so a mare might be super high god dude led strip on the sopranos fucking picture dude i was i was just thinking about i'm gonna put it under the picture so it lights it up yeah under lighting i think that might work have you seen the sopranos no that's crazy i had a feeling so what what is what is the impulse to decorate it's for it's for the podcast it's for panties you're not doing the podcast in there though are you doing the podcast no no no i just haven't taken it to but what about the led like that was for back then i know it was no that was for a You're streaming?

1:02:07No, I'm not streaming. I don't want to stream.

1:02:10Shane Gillis:You got it. Shane's your OnlyFans manager. You don't want to stream? You have to tell him you're streaming. We're going to oil you up and stream.

1:02:21You got to cut him in if you're streaming. Yeah, I would. But I'm not streaming. Don't IRL streams? No, I would never.

1:02:28Shane Gillis:That sounds like a streaming setup. Why would you not? I don't know. You have a microphone back there? You have everything. I just like talking to people when I play games. like yeah you're just the one record button away from streaming

1:02:47i like it i like where we're at yeah now the led strips were just from timu i had to spend the credit christ i'm gonna i'm gonna do it i had to spend the credit um yeah i don't know how to explain it wait where did you plan on putting them i didn't have a plan you just wanted them yeah yeah okay i guess i got like a mini mp3 player too and like a mushroom speaker i don't know where the mp3 player is sitting there i think where'd you get that from that's all t-boy i gotta i gotta do a review you got an mp3 player i'm getting free stuff off team but i gotta do reviews

1:03:28Shane Gillis:there we go try hustle there we got it we nailed it you gotta ask him 500 fucking questions so the dark truth is you're doing unboxings for team

1:03:47that is my dark truth

1:03:48Shane Gillis:I get it I would keep that close for the chest that is my dark truth unboxing video I'm about to become an unboxing I am making unboxing videos you are making unboxing videos yeah I got one in my phone can I please see it it looks like a great studio it's a good studio dude it's nice what the mp3 player no I haven't done that yet what studio it's uh it's where they do podcast austin studio i believe it's called and you're doing unboxings in there yeah it's where my bro sky what unboxing why are you against streaming i don't know it just feels like it would ruin games for me i like playing games because it's fun i don't want to make it work what this video no because uh maybe i'd like to take a look it's not edited yet that'll be even better so timu will send you shit timu will send you stuff if you open it on the they're mad at me because i haven't sent it yet but this is not a video this is just welcome back everybody and i got more stuff i guess we can just there's more stuff yeah it's a 10 from the super mario mario galaxy

1:05:05it's a tin from the super mario galaxy pretty fun i'm sure it's full of cool stuff yeah i like the tin personally i can hide trying to come for random frank p no is that a squishy good hiding no no squishies it's just uh you let me know it's all candies i like the bowser jr artwork on the outside bowser Jr. is one of the most under, oh, that's badass Bowser Jr. on this side. Look at that.

1:05:31Shane Gillis:Oh, you're eating Chinese candy? My whole problem. That was regular. Oh, okay. My whole problem was today. That's where we're going. Yeah, I told you, dude. It's just. That could be a hit. Having a secret unboxing show. I didn't expect that at all. do you just practice like opening shit back there

1:06:03it's what i watch on youtube and i was like i can fucking do this and so yeah i just thought

1:06:08Shane Gillis:about trying it so they're sending you free shit if you open it up yeah that's the goal what promises do they not send you free shit not yet did you buy the mario galaxy the guys who are producing they brought the mario galaxy they put the box together and there was also like a Japanese food box. Yeah, I ate some weird Japanese food. There's another thing, too. I can't remember what it was. Huh? Don't ask. From Asashi. Don't ask questions. He's going to be extremely vague. You're going to ask five more questions. It's going to be. There was this crab treat. It was actually like river crabs. They put them in a white plastic boat, and you can eat them.

1:06:49They're good. Pretty good.

1:06:52Shane Gillis:but they ship it from China no it's from this isn't from Timo it's from a store it's a Japanese store you're opening up all kinds of shit I'm opening up everything just do unboxing Grubhub you should for real fart Maxo and do an unboxing show where you fart non-stop that would get some subscribers there's guys that would be into that I don't like farting I'm not a fan of farting. Really? Yeah, I know. That's crazy. What do you do with all your farts? I wait till I sleep. I don't fart until I go to bed.

1:07:31You just fart.

1:07:36Shane Gillis:No way. You let them just come out of that. You hold all your farts in all day? I mean, if I have to fart, I will fart. But, like, I don't really fart until I go to bed. Why? I just don't like farting. What about your lady? You sleep over? You just save your farts until you're in bed with your lady. Holy shit, dude. That must be nuts. The snoring and farting out of this guy. Those farts must be like a three-minute long fart as soon as he goes to sleep. They've turned into a different gas all the other time. It's like fucking Mario candy and sushi. Yeah, because you're making farts for sure. Yeah, I'm making farts.

1:08:15I'm just not like, I'm not pushing them. I'm not pushing your mouth. You don't push farts. Yeah, I don't push farts. You don't push for nothing. You let those farts, dude. You must be fucking full of farts. You are chock full of farts. Could you fart right now? Definitely. I could not fart right now. Yes, you could. I can't, dude. I can't. You fucking up.

1:08:46Shane Gillis:Oh, my God. You must be like, we're 75 % water. You're definitely 75%. He's a gas giant. He's filled with farts, dude. Have you? If you fart, you're going to be, yeah, you're probably about 80 pounds less than you are. Naturally. Why won't you fart? What the hell? I don't know, man. Did you get, like, reprimanded severely for farting? Or, like, what's the, what's the, uh... Maybe. What's stopping you? I don't know. I've never, like... That's your Michael Jackson secret. I love farting. Boy, knock them farts off. Farting rocks. Farting is sweet. It makes me feel gross. Yeah. It makes me feel gross, I think.

1:09:21Shane Gillis:When you fart? Yeah. What? So you don't ever cup and bring it up to see what you're doing? I have the opposite. I'm like completely, I need to know what's up with my farts. I do love a sneak fart. I'll take it. I like a sneak fart. When it slips out. Wait, dude, you farted at laser tag. It was so bad. You cleared out the fucking meeting. You farted the entire time, dude. What the fuck are you talking about? I was full of gas. I had to fart.

1:09:51there's zero chance you hold in farts all day there's zero i bet my fucking life on it we gotta does t-move sell a fucking fart machine to gauge farts there's gotta be some type of chinese underwear

1:10:07Shane Gillis:it's a thermal light now i mean i don't know i don't know what it is so you wait till you're falling asleep and as you're like snoring you just fully relax yeah it's all farts it's two city in my sleep how do you know this if you're asleep you've been told oh i've been told you got have you gone in that fucking room yeah it's fucking blunts and farts it's fucking crazy what makes you fart the most what kind of food milk and peanut butter dude yeah peanut butter fucks me up please do a fart max unboxing dude yeah that would be it would be so good especially if you're getting really disturbed by them ah fuck sorry guys i'm so embarrassed i'm supposed to save that for nighttime yeah being so embarrassed the whole time did you order that dumb fucking dog candle off Timo no that was from a market there's a guy at a market I was just gonna be honest I like that dog candle it's nice I lit it but you weren't around so I blew it out I wanted you to be here for it then I was thinking about like how demented of a candle it is once it gets lit after a while it's just a melted brain dog you know yeah clam dill's nice yeah the clam dill clam dill's decent pretty excited about that yeah i don't want to i don't more of an oyster but yeah i'm gonna keep it fun oyster didn't have a good candle name exactly like clamdle don't be sorry landle the pot the pot has affected the squad everyone's everyone's like i'm sorry dude it's totally normal stupid it's totally normal the whole time you had to fucking freak out about bill belichick's relationship

1:12:11Shane Gillis:i'm telling you something happened to me where i don't notice that i'm high anymore and i just i'm like man everything feels weird right now i told you i tried to go to sleep the other night and i was like why can't i sleep and i was like laying there oh this is the worst actually i I thought I was like finally losing it. I was laying there and I was like, all right, so the universe is definitely infinite. Then there's like the material world, which might go on forever too somehow. And I don't know how to explain it, but I was just like thinking about just going through stuff and touching it forever.

1:12:42Shane Gillis:And I was like, that's so much fucking stuff. And I freaked out and I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop thinking about all the stuff. And I was like, there's so much stuff. How much stuff there is? Endless stuff. Sometimes that bothers me. Sober. That bothers me. It got me. There's so much stuff I was in bed and I had to just fucking flip over Because there's guys like fucking La Mer Ordering off a TV Some Chinese guys in a factory like Who the fuck is going to buy this Mario Galaxy candy box Yeah I bugged out Bugged out on the amount of stuff I was like dude what if stuff is also infinite And I was like fuck it's so much fucking stuff Dude but in space there's nothing dude And that's infinite too that's better somehow when there's nothing yeah yeah i can deal with that just tons of stuff but there's got to be an end of the stuff it's a lot of fucking stuff going on i think it's all stuff really i think everything yeah it's all kind of stuff true yeah the infinity thing freaks me out i can't i just try not to think about that too much yeah i wouldn't waste your time it just i don't it just comes to my head i go okay well if it's infinite is that they always go like well it's the multiverse it's like well yeah that's just still one thing i agree yeah there's actually multiple universes and say no that's just it's all part of the universe yeah exactly like just one universe okay you're just saying there's a bunch in there and then they go there's infinite universes it's like okay dude well so there's right on how about i punch you talking to me about the universe yeah i'm getting so i want i want to do a congressional fucking audit on like astrophysicists and quantum physics to be like, all right, guys, what are we really doing here?

1:14:27Shane Gillis:Because I think they're fucking bullcrabbing a lot. Because they always go, well, the math checks out perfectly, but like no one can check the math. They're like, yeah, that'll be another 40 bazillion dollars, please. They figured out things can be in two different places at once simultaneously, but the mathematical model maps on perfectly. To what? The fuck are you guys talking about? Yeah, they're cruising for a bruising. They're walking around in their undies looking for a bruiser. Talk to me about that horse shit. Yeah. Crap. So you got some farts loaded. You ready for tonight? What's tonight?

1:15:08Your farts? Yeah. You don't hit the fucking morning blowout? It's like, I mean, I'm, Blizz, you must be hearing. Really? I kind of am hoping you do because they are funny. The morning blowout is chaos. At night, the way I'm inhaling air. Yeah. Sleep apnea and snoring. Farts are just, it's chaos in the morning. When I do my morning blowout, my dog, like, that's how he knows I'm up. I'll start to fart, and then I'll hear him at the doorway. I'll hear his little collar bouncing around. The morning blowout. That's so funny.

1:15:43Shane Gillis:Yeah, I have at least one fart every morning you wake up. For me, it's laying down. As soon as I lay into bed, farts every single fucking time. I'll be like, no, I don't have to fart. Lay in bed, it's just like right out of me. Unfortunate. I literally fart almost every time. I look forward to it. I cherish it. I look forward to it personally, but, you know. I know. Other people hate it. Not a fan. Especially when they stink, too. Yeah, that's trouble. And it's like, look, I get it. That makes it ten times funny. I know. It's exactly the problem. Think about being Bill Belichick. 74-year-old stinky morning blowout and you got a hot 25-year-old next to you.

1:16:22You're going, yeah, I don't even like that. Stinks like shit, doesn't it? Anyway, we're focused on North Carolina State this week. I can see him hitting just a little like, oops. Disgusting fart. Pardon me. I beg your pardon.

1:16:43Shane Gillis:What was that shit we ate with sparklers coming out of it last night. It just made me fart. Fucking crap you're feeding me. It's made me fart. I'm done getting Thai food in Chapel Hill. There's no good Thai food in North Carolina. Is that stuff called tofu? Tuffo's got me farting up a storm. Yeah. Well. We've done it again. We did it. Bye. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it. Our full cactus to extract is easy, but again ciao!