Ep 634 - Department of Jokes (feat. Yakov Smirnoff)

22:49and I would memorize it because there was no writers. So there was no, it wasn't like you were stealing because there was nothing allowed. So, but this was allowed. So then I was able to memorize it very quickly and then would tell my friends and they would laugh. And it was kind of like an impression. They knew where I got it. It was, everybody heard it. It wasn't like I was, you know, but it gave me a chance to be popular with my friends and that's what encouraged that.

23:24Shane Gillis:Damn, there's something kind of bleak about that though. You're just memorizing like state propaganda. That was the only thing you're allowed to do, which is, I get it, that's the only thing that was there, but that's like pretty wild. And you're conditioned so much. I remember seeing one of the comedians in New York and he said that Jimmy Carter had a hemorrhoid operation and he will be perfect asshole. And I literally ducked behind the table because I thought somebody was going to shoot him. I swear. I mean, this is how conditioned you were. Don't say anything against the government. And literally, we had a department of jokes that each state, we had 15 states or 15 republics, and each republic had the Ministry of Culture that had a department of jokes.

24:23So if to become a professional Canadian, you had to submit your material in writing, all the jokes that you're going to do, and it would be more like vaudeville comedy. So you're not doing an hour special. You were doing, hosting something, few jokes here, few jokes there. And then they would approve it with a stamp. What type of jokes would they approve? You allowed to make fun of your wife or something? Yeah. You allowed to make fun of gay guys? Yeah, mother-in-law jokes, stuff. Racism? Oh, no, no, no. They didn't like racism? No, you can't do political jokes. You can't do sexual jokes. You can't do religious jokes.

25:06you can't do um you can talk about fish um you know i mean stuff like that up secure yeah and and those jokes were pretty much like old jokes that everybody was hashing them over so you didn't have to deal with the with the uh communist party uh right uh and and the informers were everywhere so you could not just like sneak in a joke because they were watching. So it was pretty great. But backstage, you would tell jokes about Khrushchev, Brezhnev. I mean, this was just okay.

25:47Shane Gillis:I'm surprised they didn't catch on worldwide like they thought. The what? I'm surprised the communist dream didn't catch on worldwide. Well, you survived. Yeah. I survived in that environment, came here, and realize that you can do whatever. What was that like coming here when you first got here and you were just kind of like existing? Well, I didn't speak English. So for the interpreter, the guy, you know, was laughing at me at the immigration office. Like he was saying, like, what do you want to do in America? And I said, I want to be a Russian comedian. And he started laughing. and I go, why is he laughing?

26:31He said, well, it sounds like Amish electrician. And then I see dogs are sniffing my luggage and I said, what's going on there? And the interpreter said, they're looking for drugs. And I go, I thought in America, people are hooked on drugs, but dogs? And they start laughing again. I'm going, I'm doing pretty good. without even knowing the language i'm doing good you know so that's how but then i didn't i i got a i was really determined i knew that i i wanted to do it but i had no nobody to kind of there was no sound robin williams was doing um suppression jokes and people kind of thought that he was Russian and then they were thinking oh you're faking that you're from Russia all of that stuff was happening for real and so I figured I gotta learn English and so I got a job as a went to bartending school because I figured New York

27:44Shane Gillis:all you knew how to make was the Moscow Mule before that

27:52that would have been a good one yes but i had no idea i'm like and i i go to bartending school on fifth avenue and they want two hundred dollars for a week or two week course to become a mixologist so i would have a diploma but i don't speak english and so i i bring that big tape recorder with me and record this, all the drinks that they're, you know, like grass supper or dry martini, whatever. And then I try it and I get hammered. Yeah. But eventually I got a job and it gave me a chance to start talking to and trying my jokes on Americans. What years? That was 77. Whoa. when you came to America they must have interviewed you a lot right?

28:46to come from the Soviet Union to the United States? No The government wasn't like Oh government yes they did we had to wait in Italy for three months to get past so they didn't want people with Communist Party records or you know like a criminal reckons Barry Manilow I joke about that but they didn't want any of that and Lee Harvey Oswald just got right in yeah it's pretty nuts interesting so and then and then the interview comes and you think that you know CIA is going to like grill you and I walked into that and the guy's in shorts, kind of relaxed, kind of looking at me, going for my papers, and going, are you a spy?

29:42I go, no. He said, okay, that's fine.

29:46Shane Gillis:So I got in. Strict security. Yeah, yeah. Tell me, are you a spy? You have to tell me. No. I would be honest if I was a spy. that's pretty so what was it what was your impression though when you came here and it was if you were so used to that was so normal to be like nine families in an apartment you got here and you had your own spread like where did you move well you didn't I mean at first at first it was like I had a friend uh who immigrated before me and she had an apartment and we slept on the floor for a while. I came with my parents, so we didn't have any money. The funny part, how we survived these three months in Italy, they would allow only so many things to take out of Russia.

30:40And there was a list, like a camera, a hat, something like that, and$100 a person to exchange. That's it. So we, as kind of a part of this research was, what do we need to take with us so we can sell in Italy? And one of the things was condoms. Because in the Soviet Union, there were like a couple of pennies, and there you could sell them for a dollar. And we heard that. And there was no restrictions on how many condoms you could get. So I would go to all different, and you got to talk to the pharmacist because it wasn't like just pick it up. You got to talk to them. So I would go from one pharmacy to another and just get as many condoms as I could get.

31:34So we got like a suitcase full of condoms, and we gave it to my mom. So I figured they won't ask her why, you know, whatever. And so we passed them through and we got to Italy and my job and their job was on Saturday and Sunday, there was an open market and you go there and you open the suitcase and you sell condoms. Right. So so it was funny because my my parents, who were very conservative, you know, never seen capitalism. All of a sudden they become this capitalist. So so my dad said, I'm going to be in charge of advertising. So he starts blowing those up. Minister of advertising. Yeah. Right.

32:27And mom's clever. I mean, and she's as straight as you could be. She translates into Italian. If you don't want to have a kid like this and points at me, buy a condom. And people would laugh and they would buy it. And that would give us money to pay rent for this time. And we survived. That's awesome. Where is Chernobyl compared to Odessa? It's about, it's closer to Kiev. So it's probably 60 miles from Kiev. And what year was that? Were you there? No, no, that blew up right before the Soviet Union collapsed. I believe that that was kind of the last straw that broke the camel's back because Gorbachev did not know.

33:22They literally tried to cover it up. Yeah. for a long time. And I talked to a, when I visited, so, well, at that point, still Soviet Union. No, no, it was after Soviet Union. I visited, I took my kids to St. Petersburg, and we happened to, through some friends, knew a general who was in charge of covering up Chernobyl. And so, and he said, we tried. So we got all the heavy equipment from all over the country to get there, to bury it, the whole city, the whole thing. But after it's already been out and the news were out, and that was kind of Gorbachev's, you know, end of that. It's interesting.

34:16I went and I visited there. Chernobyl? Uh-huh. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. And they give you a Geiger counter, and they're still – So if you walk on the pavement, no problem, just same as in the city. But the moment you like veer off just a little bit into like a grass area, still there, still there. That was only like five, six years ago when I went. Jesus. But you walk in and it's kind of like a monument to a fallen empire because everything, I'll groan with trees and so the pictures are still of, you know, all the Soviet politics, all of that was still there, but it's totally a ruin.

35:07Shane Gillis:How far around is like unusable basically or unlivable now? I don't think the radiation level, if you compare it to just a regular city, it has already just from the sun and all of that. So I would say 20 kilometers maybe around that. Didn't they build like a dome over it now? I don't know. I'd be wrong. Yeah, I think so. As a museum or? No, like a protective. Just to protect? Yeah. Well, maybe I shouldn't have gone. Yeah, it's kind of nuts. But I have a one-year-old now, so I guess it's still okay. Got three arms. I'm great. It may be.

35:59Did you ever see the show, Chernobyl? I did. It was great, right? It was great. Yeah, I liked that. Yeah, you're sitting at the edge of the seat and the music or whatever that sound that you did. But I liked the, my favorite part is the Communist Party. like when they have the meeting of all the townspeople and they're like, everything's fine. And then one guy's like, why is the air glowing? And he's like, shut up. He's like, everything's fine. Then he throws up blood. Get him out.

36:26Shane Gillis:Dude, that was cool. What year was that again? I thought it was, no. What's that? Chernobyl. I think it was like. When did it blow up? When did it happen? It would be 90. It would be, no, 89 or right before the collapse. The collapse was 91. So it was just. It was, yeah. Damn. Yeah, that's an epic failure. No name's last title Soviet Union existed. Really? That's tough, dude. We'll be back. This is our year. You ready for some college football? No. You got to get fired up. Really? It's time. You live in Missouri? Yeah. You a Missouri Tiger fan? Well, I don't follow sports, so I should. Yeah, well, yeah.

37:19With your background, yes. With my background, it's like, I don't know why grown men bend over and touch each other. I mean, that, you know. Well, if you put it that way. Well, if you say it's gay, I can't, you know, it's hard to argue. I didn't say it. I just described it, that's all.

37:38Shane Gillis:This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I can instantly tell me. If you could get better at anything or something, what would you choose? Oh, man, you know, if I could get better at anything, if I could get better at something, it would be, you know, I would just be better at just kind of like holding my friends. Holding them. Yeah, sometimes when my friends are talking to me, you stand like, you know, apart from them. Why not just hold them? Embrace when you talk. yeah grab the back of their neck that's interesting i never thought of that yeah feeling better feeling better being better is defined differently for everyone for better help is the help with the better it's a better help therapist who really gets you it's a focus on global or yeah global emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over a hundred countries uh and and it's creating a space to help you uh sorry i can't read any of this to help you explore what better means to you.

38:42Sign up and get 10 % off at betterhelp.com slash mssp. That's better h-e-l-p dot com slash mssp. Excellent.

38:56Do you like any sports? Were there any... No, not really. No, I never got into it. I wasn't good at it, so if I wasn't good I wasn't... Scott loves basketball and you should see him. Sure. I might be the worst person to ever touch a basketball, but it is my favorite thing. He likes to see the men. He likes to see the big men. See what they can do. And he cheers for them. I cheer for them. I wear their shirts. I wear their jerseys. He said he would kiss a bunch of the players for them to win a championship this year. I said I would kiss one of the players. And then he said he would mash butts with LeBron James.

39:27No, I said I would mash butts with him. He said he would take naked butts and mash them together. I said I would mash butts with you. You said you would mash butts back. I'll mash butts for a couple of hours. Are you sure he's talking about basketball? Yes.

39:45Shane Gillis:Well, it's also like, would you rather mash butts or kiss? That's a tough question. Damn, mashing butts is disgusting. Mashing butts is disgusting. But it's almost like, you know. You guys ever do a naked mash? It's a little more clinical. Mash butts quick, you're off. A kiss is pretty intimate. What do you think's scary? Naked butt mash or kissing? No tongue. but wet lips but wet lips those are the only two choices you gotta pick one are you mashing butts or kissing

40:20just think you made it out of the Soviet Union to be sitting in Texas someday talking about mashing butts who would have guessed USA we won

40:33Shane Gillis:we can literally do anything we want we can mash butts whenever we want if we can do it mashing butts is our scissory it is

40:50so what brought you to Missouri Branson Missouri it's a little town that has a lot of theaters and I didn't know anything about it and And my career kind of went through, I got canceled kind of idea. What did you get canceled for? For the Soviet Union collapsing. They blame that on you? Somehow I got the brunt of that. Who did you get canceled by?

41:25Shane Gillis:Why? Well, officially, Letterman had a top 10 list on the night of the collapse of the Soviet Union. And the things that will now change. And I made number one on the list. Yakov Smirna will be out of work. And I thought it was kind of funny because I was playing Vegas, Atlantic City. I was killing it, you know, and one joke, what's a big deal, right? And six months later, none of my contracts were renewed. What? Kind of like SNL kind of a thing. It's just like one thing and it's just you're done. Yeah. And I couldn't find work for two. And I had two little kids at that point. And we were living in a house next to like Tom Hanks and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

42:24I mean, we were in Pacific Palisades, two and a half million dollar home. I'm like going, this American dream rocks. It's never will end. This is it. And the mortgage didn't end, but the career did. And so all of a sudden I can't pay my mortgage. and and so just change the joke to russia instead of soviet union just say russia instead of soviet union nobody cared nobody you know why you know why you had to stop talking shit it i realized later on and this was something that took me years to figure out that i was meeting the need that america had uh america the soviet union was a pain in the butt to america i was like preparation h i was like uh you know so when the itching uh-huh yeah yeah there you go now we're connecting it

43:20Shane Gillis:yes yes russian america finally butt mashed and there was no more market tore down the wall everyone east and west germany match plus it was great so that sucks but there when the itching and the swelling and it goes away you don't need preparation age so that's kind of what happened i was like put it aside and and literally couldn't find even going back to clubs were not uh nobody it was like you're who cares yeah so if it's not there who cares so then also was that around when the comedy bubble itself burst well it wasn't like it wasn't huge in the 80s and then like 90s it kind of dipped or am i wrong about that i think you you might be right timing might have been similar to that and then i remember i was telling my agent you know what do i do and he goes well willy nelson is doing this concert in ames iowa and they won't pay anything but he needs a co-host would you want to go to ames i when i go farmers would not know who i am why would i you know and and but i had no choice so i went and it was you know i i did my set and they gave me a standing ovation and it was like holy this is pretty cool so and then I want to say goodbye to Willie Nelson this is where I opened the door at his tour bus and the smoke comes out and and he and and he goes through the smoke he goes Yakov you did great you should go to Branson they'll love you there and I go what's Branson you know and so I went and in Branson they didn't know that the Soviet Union collapsed so i got 33 years out of that i own 2000 theater and i entertain over 6 million people there so it i it in some ways being canceled worked for me um so that's you're in the theater business Well, I really, it's just my theater where I, when I got there, it was not easy.

45:46I rented it, and I, for sure, I'm thinking, well, I'll do well there. 17 people showed up. So it was started, oh, my goodness, doodle kids. What am I going to do? Now they must love you in Branson. Now, well, it took a little while, but they do. and so it became so I did 400 shows a year I would just do show after show and was it you performing or you were throwing plays just you yeah so you just first just me and then it became because they like more variety so I added some dancers and sketches and things like that but mostly it was me that's awesome now I kind of you know I do only like 30 shows a year and this is where I for the first time really come back and kind of put my foot in the water go do they still know who I am and then you know kill Tony you know Tony says to me sure I'd love to have you as a celebrity judge and all of a sudden it's like and yesterday I was like I felt like I was an ugly duckling walking into the Swan Lake, honestly going, are they going to kill me or are they going to just accept me?

47:07Of course. Well, of course, in your mind, your mind plays tricks. It's like you go, I don't know. I'm sure when you went back, you know, Saturday Night Live, it was like, what's going to happen here? For sure. Yeah. So, yeah. That's interesting. I still feel that way whenever I go to any other club. I'll go back to the cellar and be like, they hate me.

47:31Shane Gillis:They hate me now. I'll go anywhere. I go to the store. I'm like, fucking L.A. They hate me. Then you hang out with them for 10 minutes. You're like, all right, I like L.A. Yeah. Any club I go into, I'm like, I hate everyone here. Well, also, luckily, there's... Somebody says hi, and you go, hey, how are you? Yeah. Thank you. I love your stuff. Yeah. Luckily, there's plenty of political strife again with Russia, so... What was that? There's a lot of political strife with Russia right now, too, so... Yeah. Could be another harvest season. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I try. After, I feel like after that whole thing happened in the 90s, I feel like I developed, like, I had, like, PTSD from going into a political direction.

48:12Yeah, right. So I started, and I was going through a divorce, and I realized that this is a lot more job security, talking about men and women, Cold War will never end, So I just, I doubled down on that. I got, I literally, while I was doing shows in Branson, I got my master's degree in psychology at UPenn because I wanted to research laughter. And here's what triggered it. It was like a realization that when the relationships start, everybody laughs. and and then when it's over the only people laughing are the attorneys and you're like crying literally so i was like i started asking my audience i go let me ask you how many of you when you fell in love remember laughter being part of that and they all yeah and and i go how many of you would go on a second date if you didn't have laughter silence oh there's something

49:24Shane Gillis:here. All those guys are lying, by the way. She's hilarious. God, she's funny. And you fuck her, you go, I don't get it. I don't get them. What's the punchline? Well, but that was in Branson, so it's different. So you studied, what were you studying? Laugh? Psychology. What the fuck is laughter? How about that? The relief of psychic tension. Yeah, but why does it come out like that? I just remember hearing that somewhere i had a feeling you'd know it's a perceived threat that gets well yeah i i was going after deeper you know like there's a lot of uh understanding of laughter as an element of surprise all of those things are correct that i was going for a route uh my dad was an engineer and inventor so my brain is like what is it what is it i want to understand why there's laughter in the beginning of the relationship and why there isn't later on and it's not just a relationship with your wife or it's the same with the children the same with your co-workers the same so i was looking for what's a common denominator what is it And so I did my dissertation.

50:47And then I went to Pepperdine and got my doctorate degree because I wanted to continue figuring this out. And the dissertation is online. You can, 190 pages of no jokes at all. I mean, it's like serious research. And so the dissertation is called Law of Laughter, LOL. That's the only joke they allowed me on the cover. That's it. That's a pretty good one. And so what it boiled down to, and that's what explained to me my success in America, not just because, you know, I was hardworking, I had talent, all of that, but the main thing that got me on the level that I never imagined making movies and doing all, was that there was a need.

51:44America needed relief from that crazy tension that so Brezhnev and Khrushchev with the shoe, we will bury you, all of that. America lived in that. And here I show up and I'm like, we're afraid of this? And that's what got me to get on tonight's show, all of those things. And then I realized, so I was meeting the need. And that's what happens in the beginning of the relationship. You do everything to meet her needs. She's doing everything to meet your need, whatever the needs are. And then the humor triggers the laughter. That's it. So if the need is not met, you're screwed. And then at the end of the relationship, normally you're saying, I'm not meeting her need.

52:38I'm done. or vice versa. Because I've noticed me and LaMare have stopped sharing giggles. Dr.

52:43Shane Gillis:Smirnoff, could you... Dr. Smirnoff, can you please diagnose these two? I feel like their love has fizzled out. Their love has fizzled. My love with LaMare has fizzled. It's not as funny. At first, I go, oh, LaMare, you just wiped ketchup on the chair after eating a chicken finger during the podcast. And I go, ha, ha. Now I go, what the fuck was that? Oh, you left the dishes. I'm having people for dinner. Who cares? now I go what the fuck are you doing stop jacking off in the office this episode is brought to you yeah well by Mint Mobile Summer Sale cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month when you switch to Mint no gimmicks no gotchas just high speed data and coverage go to mintmobile.com slash drenched now upfront payment of$45 for 3 months $90 for 6 months or$180 for 12 months.

53:36Shane Gillis:Plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Includes up to 20 gigabytes of hotspot. Capable device required. Availability speed and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com. Oh, boy. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Matt, what were you finally able to save for thanks to money, the automatic savings, vacation, bull? Can I tell you something? I had a surprise charge story. Really? Crazy surprise charge. Oh, those lying cam girls? No, actually. It's funny enough. It had nothing to do with that.

54:20Shane Gillis:I was going through my, which one call it? I have a joint credit card with my wife, and we're going over the monthly charges, and it was like a shock. Someone had, I think, frauded us, and I had a charge for the Bangkok massage down by the airport. Son of a bitch. It was fucking bullshit. $160. I mean, and also that's a tough one for you to have to. I know. That was not me. I said, babe, what the hell? I'm so surprised by this. This is fraudulent and suspicious activity. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

54:52Shane Gillis:Guys, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. That's rockinmoney.com slash msme rockinmoney.com slash msme Well, what about a relationship of, like, years where, like, maybe the laughter has died but then the wife falls on the floor and you go... Yeah. Because that never gets old. Then the need was met. True. Yeah, you could marry a clumsy bitch. Yeah. Then you're going to laugh for the rest of your life. Until she takes a header off the fucking porch and you get blamed.

55:37Shane Gillis:That's cool. You went back to school for psychology. So what do you do with that? You just kind of, you just sit on the doctorate? Well, at first I kind of have a similar path. True. Yeah. I'm a master. I have a master's in social work. Okay. So at first I thought I'll go into that relationship arena, do TED talks, maybe. I did a PBS special called Happily Ever Laughter. But then I realized, I'm splitting myself, that, you know, I believe that comedy is really what I want to do, but I was doing it to fit, to meet the need. And then I realized that most people don't want to change their, whatever their pattern is in a relationship.

56:20You can spend all your life trying to help them, but they don't. So I use that in my show. I use a lot of material, men-women differences, my wife telling stories about my wife, me, and that's basically incorporated what I learned into my stand-up. Nice.

56:44Shane Gillis:I was at Drexel, by the way. I went to Drexel right next to Penn. We used to live, did you go to Penn? Yeah. So we lived right there. We lived in University City in Philadelphia. He and I lived together. It's a beautiful campus. I loved it. Penn's nice, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Drexel's ugly. Drexel's, it was literally voted, I went to Drexel right next to Penn. It was voted one of the ugliest campuses in America. You should see Harrisburg Area Community College. I went from like very nice schools at first and then literally Harrisburg Area Community College and Westchester, both of them look like Soviet, the architecture is Soviet block.

57:21That's why I liked it. That's why he felt at home, right? I felt right at home. Oh, there's only three windows in a concrete building. Yeah, they got some rough AT &T building.

57:35Shane Gillis:At least they have grass. Drexel's no grass. It's just concrete, and it was run by Greeks for a while, so they got this idea to put a giant, almost an amphitheater thing in the middle of a paver. It looks horrible. Drexel was Greek-run for a long time. The pack was right next to the farm show complex and a bunch of fucking train tracks. It was tough, dude. I feel like it was always cloudy when I was there. That was a dark period. Yeah, that's a tough one. Although you definitely probably felt like Boy Genius at the HAC. Yeah. That's really nice. Community college, you can go there. Community college, you can go, wait a second, I am smart.

58:10Shane Gillis:Smart as hell. Yeah, that's a good feeling. So I'm curious about your coming back to SNL. the the the set you were pretty i mean you were pretty set on that set right i mean it was you weren't winging it there no it was because solid it was great thank you yeah um no i mean i was winging a little at the beginning just being like i was like how do i address getting fired and i thought about it for a while of like what to say and i was like should i fucking tell him to f you yeah it's like why would i ever do that double birds to the rogan but i i love that you you had your your family there yeah yeah that was a great setup you know it was like i'm going oh man he he thought it through no that was last second that was really yeah yeah yeah yeah i well i knew they were coming but i was like can we because i didn't even think to ask if i could get them on camera and then when we were doing rehearsal i was like can we get a cameras like because i was like where are they going to be sitting and they showed me and i was like we put a camera on them oh yeah perfect then i didn't tell them that they were going to be on camera that's so funny yeah yeah yeah that was nice that was a nice moment mom and dad held hands that's really sweet i was like god damn this is like the sweetest moment of my life their need their needs were being mad yes it's not a loser yeah look at that we we didn't waste our time Because there was a good 30 years before that where they were like, oh, God damn, this kid sucks.

59:45Shane Gillis:It's got to be so nice to be like, holy fuck. But then I'm up there like, my dad's fucking gay. Get a camera on him. Pussy. Still. Yeah. You're like, this is nice. Yeah. It's so fucking funny. Gay bitch. Yeah, my dad's fucking gay. You know, TV just like. Yeah, okay. Yeah. All right. That's great. You keep raping. But then at the, yeah, I remember at the after party, he was sitting at a table. It was just him, Lorne Michaels, and Mike Myers. Yeah, that's awesome. In a booth just drinking. Phil was holding court. I was like, damn, this is good. Yeah. Yeah, you can imagine what my parents thought when I wanted to do stand-up in Soviet Union.

1:00:29You can imagine that. They were probably like, don't tell anyone. Insane. Yeah. You are, are you crazy? Totally crazy, yeah. But here we are. Here we are. Yeah. I mean, yeah. How did they feel? They probably said no, right? Oh, are you kidding? No for years. Yeah. I started when I was 15 in the community. It was community college or trade school. They kind of forced me to go to become a refrigeration mechanic because comedy, are you kidding? And I was doing amateur comedy there. And then I went to military and two years, and I was kind of doing amateur stuff there. And then I came back and I'm going, I want to do a comedy.

1:01:31They said, no, no, you got it. So I got my bachelor's in art, and that's another thing that I do. So they said, at least this is not so comedy. Because, again, going through the, they knew how difficult it would be to pass those Communist Party people and all that. And so in college, I was just doing it again as an amateur. And then later on.

1:02:00Shane Gillis:Where do you do it as an amateur, though? Where would you do it? In the club, like in school, there would be a club and there would be every like May Day or Revolution Day, they would do some kind of a concert. Were you guys still working on that calendar that was like completely cut off from the regular calendar? Well, regular, like what do you mean? Didn't they split the calendar? Didn't they take all the religious stuff out of the calendar? And I think that was France actually did. Well, they changed, like, you mean Christmas, like, into New Year's, right? Is that how they did? Yeah, they did.

1:02:33They saved the tree, but it was New Year's, not Christmas. Gotcha. And it was Santa Claus. It wasn't Santa Claus. It was Father Frost.

1:02:42Shane Gillis:Father Frost? Yeah, and that's how, and, you know, and, yeah. Nothing can stop the tree. Yeah, Christmas tree is too cool. Christmas tree rules, yeah. But they didn't, you know, we didn't even know that there was something. They took the Christ out of Christmas, basically. Huh? They took the Christ out of Christmas. There you go. Absolutely. There was no religion was totally not allowed. You could not even say the word God in school. You would be expelled. You say gosh? At those days, yeah. Gosh. I didn't try. I didn't try. So that was my reality. And so we doing this comedy thing. And then I get an offer to go on the cruise ship to do like stand or master of ceremonies, like assistant cruise director.

1:03:35Like the Black Sea? The Black Sea. Yeah. Yeah. So I was, and so they liked me. And this is a cool thing that happened there. So I go there and they don't, they said, we won't pay you, but you get your cabin. You get a cabin. Universal.

1:03:51Shane Gillis:That's pretty universal. They did that here to everybody. Sorry, now. Well, and I was like, yeah, I'll be, I'll have my own room for like a week. Holy cow. That was amazing. And the bathroom for myself. Odessa is there, right? Right there. It's on that. Little, what's it called? The peninsula? Well, it's near Crimea. Yeah, Crimea. Yeah, but it's a little bit more south. But that's where the cruise ships go out of, and they go around. Submarines. Huh? I don't know why. Submarines. Things I know about Odessa. No, that's in South Dakota. That's right. That's the Crimea. Yeah, that's right. It's a little bit farther south from that.

1:04:41I thought you were saying the cruise ship was a submarine.

1:04:43Shane Gillis:No, but that's very funny. Red October cruise. There you go. You can do comedy there. You're the master of ceremonies. You're the emcee of the. So I was emceeing, and this is, and how, because I didn't speak English or any other language, they had a lot of tourists from different countries. So you would have Czechoslovakians, you would have Polish, you would have Germans, Americans, Australians, whatever. And my job was to do like games with them, you know, do some kind of Miss Cruz or, you know, competition. Like, yeah. Honest Chick. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. I was 24 years old. That's awesome.

1:05:26And they let me. It's like they let me into.

1:05:31Shane Gillis:Anyone can enter into the running for Miss Cruz? Yeah, yeah. It was pretty much up to me. And they gave me an interpreter so I could talk to them for the first time to those. Yeah. Oh, boy. I have. Yeah. It was really adventurous and fun. That's awesome. And Russian women are a lot more conservative. And, you know, they are not like they weren't like the hottest women in this room. Trump would disagree. there. Trump would disagree. Who would disagree? Donald Trump. He loves Russian women. He likes those. Well, now, yeah. Yeah, but in those days, oh, big burly. They were all, no, they were nice.

1:06:16They were nice, beautiful women. Sturdy. But they were standing behind those big burly women. So you never saw them. Right. But here all of a sudden I have women who are from the Western culture and they are like they know things about sex and that we never even heard of, you know, even though it's universal, but boy, you were so far ahead or they were so far ahead. Yeah. Yeah. I did. Fucking. Yeah. Titty fucking. Titty fuck. I was learning. I had to learn all of this. Really? So all of a sudden I'm in this environment and I'm getting to know. You got to bring your interpreter in. And you go, tell her I'm about to fucking bust.

1:07:05Tell her this doesn't happen too much. What should I do with it? Tell me where. Tell her. Tell her. So that was exciting to be there. All this, I was allowed something that I totally couldn't imagine. and so then the cruise comes to the end and they said, would you like to go again? I said, well, would it be possible to get my parents a cabin as well because they've never been on the cruise and stuff and the Communist Party boss who controls that whole company or the whole Black Sea cruise line, and there's only one cruise line, he says, who do you think you are that you're going to request something?

1:08:01We have hundreds of people like you. Get out of here. And so I was like, oh, shoot. Well, I tried, but it didn't work out. So I go home, and I tell my parents that it's not going to happen. And it's like in the morning, we have no phone, and all of a sudden, this messenger comes an hour later and he has two sets of tickets for me and my parents turns out there were not any other there's no one else no no no there was a more kind of an interesting twist because so what happened so we obviously got excited we go and i said to a cruise director i said what happened i never heard of them going back on their word because once they say it it's over and they said oh, well, you see, these ships are rented by European cruise companies during like nine months out of the year.

1:08:59And we go, the captain and the crew goes to those places. Could be Britain, could be whatever they needed. And she said, we learned that if somebody is essential, then they should get more than an average person. And the captain, he said, liked you. And he said, even if you need to give him my cabin, I want him on the ship. And I went like, wait, wait. You just told me that if you're more talented, you will get more stuff? And they go. Dangerous idea. Yeah. And I was like, I said, Mom, Dad, we got to start. We got to start being talented. What the fuck?

1:09:55Shane Gillis:So how did you know the captain? What was your interaction? Have the captain's blessings and honor, especially on the craft. The captain would just come to watch the shows. That's awesome. That's it. And I didn't speak those languages. So my mom was very conservative. It's funny to be watching the show and be like, oh, shit. Fuck, I got to be driving this thing. You hear an alarm go off. You go, oh, shit. This guy's so fucking funny. So my mom watched me perform in front of, like, people who didn't speak my, I didn't speak their language because she always thought that I wasn't very smart and I couldn't do well.

1:10:37I didn't do well in school. So it was like, how is he going to go to another country and learn the language? and he's so dumb that he thinks that he can do comedy in that language. All of that stuff was in the back of her mind. And here she's watching me do it and watching those people laughing. And they don't understand even what I'm saying, but I guess my timing and facial expressions and then whatever their interpreters tell them, whatever it is, it worked. And then at that point she said, you know you you may have an international comedy career i was like wow really mom and that's when we started oh that's awesome yeah my mom told me to become a teacher when i was i had a club owner i had a club owner i bombed so bad he sat me down he was like what do you go to school for and i was like history teacher and he was like you should do that i was like damn

1:11:35Shane Gillis:So that's what fueled the escape, basically. That gave us a chance. And Jimmy Carter was at that time wanted to get some Russians were starving. There was no food and they needed some wheat. And so they made the deal. So if you show human rights in Soviet Union, then you can let some people out. We will give you some wheat. So we were basically exchanged for some grain. It's a good deal. Yeah. I salute every time I see a Wonder Bread truck. Hey, you never know. One hot commodity for another. He said one hot commodity for another. He's saying you and the wheat are both hot commodities. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:12:34I'm very grateful for that. That's awesome.

1:12:39Shane Gillis:And that's what allowed you guys to just head on. That's what allowed. Well, it took still. They didn't want people to leave, even though they would put a lot of challenges in front of you. One of them was that if a young person applies to leave, they have to take their parents with them. Most older people would not take that chance. And my dad wanted to get out of there years before my mom ever imagined that. My dad knew it. He was like, he was telling my, I remember I was like maybe like seven and we're in this little apartment, right, in one room. And I wake up in the middle of the night and I hear my dad.

1:13:33So listening to this huge radios and he's sitting there with his ear to the radio. And I go, dad, what are you listening to? and he goes, shh, don't let neighbors hear us. This is the voice of America. Whoa. And they would jam the signal during the day, but at nighttime they didn't think anybody was listening, so they didn't jam it. And so he would get up and he was like, so now I'm listening to it with him. And so, and, you know, it's like the voice, give me your tired, you're hungry and you're poor. And I'm like going, I'm qualified. And so that's how. What about, how did you guys feel about JFK?

1:14:21It was used, obviously, as propaganda immediately, as look what they do in America. They kill their presidents, you know. So they used everything as propaganda. They used Charlie Chaplin movies. We watched, that's the only American we saw. and so there was always that villain and and this poor guy who's getting beat up by the police and that's america you know yeah so they was your dad in the military uh during the second world war yes yeah dang that's crazy yeah sheesh that's wild did he see like was he in battle um he i i think I think he was smarter than that. Yeah. I think he was in the chemical warfare.

1:15:17So it was smart enough because they never, it never, it was kind of stupid because you don't know which way the wind is going to go. Yeah. So if you. Damn. Right. World War I, they found that out. Yeah. Yeah. So he went into and he got into that. So he was in charge of having all this gas masks and all of that. So he didn't get hurt. And, yeah. Damn. That's wild. WW2. I think we're...

1:15:53Shane Gillis:We did it. Yeah. Any final thoughts? That was it. Oh, we did? We're just talking. I thought, are you going to start rolling?

1:16:03That was great. any final thoughts thank you for having me and I you know I don't know can I plug stuff yeah oh absolutely sure so I'm going on tour I'm on tour I'm starting September 6th in Oklahoma City at the Breakdown Comedy Club and then after that you can go on yakov.com and all my dates are there and I hope it's the first time I'm kind of getting out the Branson bubble. So I'm hoping that people will come. I think people will come. I hope so.

1:16:42Shane Gillis:We'll plug the thing too. They'll be able to click your website. Oh, cool. Very cool. So thanks for having me. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks for coming. That was awesome. My pleasure. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.

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1:17:34Shane Gillis:This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro Plans.