Ep 636 - Mr. Chili's (feat. Sam Tallent)

17:20Shane Gillis:Was he an employee or is this a esteemed guest? He's an esteemed guest. There were several esteemed guests that did continuously hit that corner of the Chili's after he left a new esteemed... Yeah. It was just grab a menu post up in the corner and just stand. He's just vamping. That's vamping. He vamped us. Yeah, that's vamp life. He took his all-black helmet off, wafted his hair, but he just was like a little psycho. He was great. I thought it was a mobility scooter. You're talking about like a... Okay. Yeah, that makes more sense for a vampire. No. Yeah. And did he hold it like under his arm as he ate his...

17:55No, it was a big-ass scooter. I meant the helmet. Did he like brandish the helmet? I don't know where the helmet went. Okay.

18:00Shane Gillis:Probably went back to hell. Yeah. Probably sent into a portal back to hell. Turned into bats. On a GTA the helmet, like took it off and put it in a pocket. Yeah, it was gone. It just disappeared. I don't know what happened to it.

18:15I haven't been to a Chili's in a while. I think my wife's... You gotta go, man. It's 32nd birthday. You're gonna love it. The atmosphere, the food. I mean, I've done my time. You're gonna love it. Yeah. I'm glad you're just discovering it now. I'm gonna ask for the Shane special. Thank you. 900 ounce Bud Light. Yes, yes. It's a fire hydrant full of beer. You want a small one or a big one? Come on, man. Come on, man. What do you think I'm here for? Come on. I don't want to remember leaving, baby. Give me the big one.

18:41Shane Gillis:Yeah, me and Nate were flying somewhere, and I was in desperate need of some food, and Nate goes, dude, Chili's not that bad. Chicago. O 'Hare Chili's. Really? O 'Hare, dude. Was that actually the one? O 'Hare's Chili's. It was either there or Dallas. One or the other. However, I say O 'Hare. I want a Frontera. Rick Bayless, Frontera. Oh, yeah. That might be the best O 'Hare restaurant. They make a tortilla soup. Oh, God, I love tortilla soup. Dude, they drop the cheese in, it melts, and it goes all to the bottom. and you just pull out a glob of melted juice. And they had that at Applebee's. I'm glad you found out about it.

19:15Because I go there every year for my birthday. I fly to O 'Hare and I go there. I've never mentioned it once. I go there every year. But it's your whole thing. It's my entire thing. So I'm glad you and you found it.

19:28Shane Gillis:Actually, Uber eats it all the time in my house. I Uber eats it. They fly it in private. And the tortilla soup is my favorite. So I'm glad you got to try it. Yeah.

19:40Matt's on the wall in Chili's. Yeah, I am. Made it. He ate the most t-shirts. God, dude, he's seething, dude. When he found out we made the wall at Chili's, he was like, whoa. Not true. It's just funny, the one time you show enthusiasm for anything, you get blasted for it. And one time you're like, I like that. Everyone's like, fuck you. Buckle up for five hours. Yeah. Yeah.

20:05Shane Gillis:Tell you what, dude, I had a, I've been, it's frog season right now. Big time. A lot of toads kicking around. You're going to have to tell me. Every night. Every night outside my house, there were more starting to dwindle off, but I let my dog out, and she goes and hunts down toads. So I've been catching toads, bringing them in, and I'll show my kids them in the morning. They keep fucking escaping my cage, though it's pissing me off. I'm glad you discovered catching toads. Really? Yeah, we always catch toads. It's like my favorite thing. On my birthday? On my birthday, I catch toads. Bro, they pee in your hand every fucking time.

20:37Because they think that you're going to crush them. Is that why they do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a death release.

20:41Shane Gillis:Dang. Yeah, it's gross, dude. Yeah, anytime you pick up a fucking frog, you're just like, oh, why did I do that? And they pee. Right, yeah. What did I think I was going to get out of it? They picked up a toad and then passed out on the hot tub. What? What? Oh, yeah. What happened? Yeah, that was when we were like playing pool basketball for like six days straight. And it was like a bunch of frogs. I caught one, which I never would do. I had to black out. I don't really. He was obliterated. I got him a nice video of a very, very drunk name. He was like, yeah. Yeah. And I remember peeing and thinking it like, I was like, I think the frog nutted.

21:17That's what I said. It was a good night. Moments later, he was asleep on the concrete. That was the picture. It stunned you with its venom. Yeah, the toad got you. That was the last time I got drunk. It was here. And then as he passed out, I just went out there and did turn around, fade ways in the pool for like an hour and a half. And I came back at one point and I was like 20 in a row and no one gave a shit. I was like, come on. 20 in a row. Yeah, man, fuck. I don't really enjoy touching animals. I like dogs. I'll touch a dog. I love a dog. But man, like a bird. Someone has a bird in their house and they want it.

21:51Like, hey, hold the bird. It's like, get the fuck away from me.

21:54Shane Gillis:I'm telling you, if you're out there with your dog, your dog's, it's dark. So you can't even see anything. That's exciting. So your dog's, I'll keep my kids up and we'll go toad hunting at nighttime. it's the when we catch them they're like oh and in the morning they come down like you want to see in the cage i'm like fucking got away the fucker's gone how are they getting out so i don't have i have like an aquarium tank but i don't have the mesh lid yet it's coming a couple days is it in the garage or no it's in my it's like in my backyard okay i get in the backyard i put dirt and you gotta add a lot of humidity so i put a bunch of water in there i was thinking they're like burrowing under the dirt which apparently they will do dude there i i have like this old with garden fence that's like a, you know, like a grid.

22:31Shane Gillis:So the slats are like that big. A toad could escape, but I have three panels, so I lay them crisscross, so it's like a tiny little hole. I'm like, dude, these have to jump, grip, and do like a pull-up. There's no way. Both have gotten out. I mean, you're building them a prison. They're going to be able to do pull-ups by the end. Yeah, they're changing all night. They're going to convert. But I got the magnetic strip kind of mesh thing coming this weekend. We're going to keep that toad in there. You're growing battle toads now. I know. I'm getting them jacked. The last one I caught was a real, He was a real fucking firebrand.

23:00Shane Gillis:Like it's bigger than your hand or smaller? About the size, literally hand size. Oh, wow. Just palm, palm of the hand. Yeah, yeah. There's like the beginning of the season, there's like three or four at night. And I got kind of like cocky. Now I got to really set my dog. I was really hoping this aquarium was inside your house. No. You were continuously just releasing toads in your house. Well, I hear them. I hear them now. You're trying to sleep at night. Dude, they're loud as shit. They're in the walls. I hear them in my garden now. You'll hear that like chirping. And I'm like, they're fucking out here.

23:26You got to get them. I gotta find them, man.

23:28Shane Gillis:Toads, I got a lot of toads. Just take some gas station meth and fucking squish toads out in your garden. Go toad, Rambo. Go insane. Just come in covered in toad. That's where they're trying to get to. I'll get one this weekend. I'll keep you up to date. I'd like some pics. I'll get you some pics. I got some pics of Matilda chasing them. I got some videos. Dude, she's just walking all of a sudden. She turns and I'm like, get them, Tilly. She hasn't bit one yet. No, she'll just put her face on them. She won't eat them. Kind of get afraid a little bit. Yep. She'll put them, jump back, then like chase it around.

24:00Shane Gillis:She's running on the street like three times now. I have to be like, yo, yo, chill, chill, chill. You raised her right. I did. She's just nosing the toes. She's not eating them. She's nosing them. I've been training her with the shoes. I trained her properly. Oh, yeah. She bit someone else's shoes. She attacked someone's shoes recently. Oh, no. My cousin had wheelies on. My little cousin just skated around on wheelies. Matilda was like, what the fuck are those? It was a child cousin, right? Shane has big, yeah, little tiny child cousin. Shane had these like military boots when we were living together in Philly.

24:30Shane Gillis:And he would, Mill Tittle was like a puppy. And he would go, ah, and she would like spaz. If she sees work boots now, she tries to bite them. Yeah. To this day. Someone comes to my house to fix anything. I have to like lock her away because she'll bite their shoes. Do you remember how much? It was a good day. Dude, remember how easy it was to have fun when you were fucking poor? Yeah. You were just on a couch that isn't yours. Fucking with some like second, like third hand shoes. It was a folding chair. Yeah. in front of a tv yeah your dog hates shoes that's crazy you're wiping with chipotle napkins yeah it was the best time yeah it was awesome that was it was funny too because like i used to just put that dog in like my room and go do stand-up i'm like all right be good and she was she was from the always a good dog she bit an hdmi i had a 60 foot hdmi cord she chewed it up one time i remember i gave i punished her the last i would say the last dog i spanked pretty hard and uh and then i fucking dude i just ducked i just taped the cord up put it back in the box return it to best buy and i was like did that hit my card like yeah and they started pulling out of the box i was like later it was like fucking two hundred dollars i was like yeah i'm not i'm not taking a bath on this thing i had to install the hdmi cord in the helium philadelphia i put that in oh yeah because they only had one screen that would work and i'm like you guys need one more cord you're gonna have your both screens working they're like we'll see what they do and i was like you know what fuck this is we had a show and i was like i'm gonna buy a cord and install it was that digital graffiti it was god i would hear i would hear tales of that show it would like rumbles would like mecky leaper and came out one time and told me about the show in philadelphia and i was like oh my god it was too powerful yeah it's too powerful i don't know if we could do it now i don't i it would be especially filmed i don't know if we're evil enough to do it it's so evil isn't it just like i'm on stage and then a bunch of people are tweeting like he's gay and fat behind me the meanest possible things they can think and the crowd the worst part of it is is the crowd laughs uproariously in your face.

26:20Shane Gillis:And it's not things you say, right? And you don't know what they're saying. So you're going like, so then your insecurities start kicking up. What are they saying? They're saying my biggest insecurity. Yeah. And you gotta try to do stand-up. The audience does not give a fuck about what you're saying at all. They're just laughing at you in a bad way. It's terrible. I mean, it sounds very freeing. Once the ego death takes over. It is an ego death. You ever been on stage and something happens in your chest and you're like, oh, I'm going to die. And then you're like trying to do your dumb jokes. And then while you're up there, you just accept that you're going to die on stage at the Milwaukee improv.

26:51Dude, I for real have done this so many times, so many times.

26:54Shane Gillis:I'm ready to hit the eject button where I'm like, it wouldn't be that weird if I was like, Hey guys, I'm going to have to take like 10 minutes to go sit down backstage. I'll be right back. No, no. I say, let me go down up here. That'd be the best thing ever. That's the thing. I usually I'll go, you know what? I'm just going to ride this wicked energy. And then you kind of just do it. And then you go, all right, I'm good now. He died doing what he loved getting clips yeah i had an extremely sharp pain in my chest once and i was like it was the worst one ever i was like this has to be a heart attack and i was just getting into my closer so i was like just fucking do it just get through it yeah i got off stage and i was very embarrassed to tell everyone I think I might have just had I think I had a heart attack I don't people do have like don't people have tiny attacks in there I feel like it does happen I could have sworn I had one in my 20s like I for sure thought I was having a heart attack I think I had one like two days ago I'm constantly thinking I have heart attacks and then not telling anyone and I'm alone in a hotel room somewhere and I'm yeah I guess they're gonna find me in here yeah god Brookfield Wisconsin's trying to get a cool pose just like you're not nude if I think I'm dying I put underwear Dude, being discovered dead in the Thinkings Man pose would be nice.

28:10It's like Vesuvius, but you're like. Yeah. Unfortunately, it's all going to be the Pompeii guy. It's all going to be holding your dick. For sure.

28:21Shane Gillis:While crying. Was there a guy holding his dick from the lava? Yeah. And it's in like a museum case. I've seen it. Yeah. He's on his side, clearly jerking off. I mean, having lava burn through your hand and finally get to your dick, I'd be so pissed. I mean, that's me dying on stage. That's me being like, I'm going to do what I like. This is how I was built to die. Yeah, it's that heart attack. And I also have like, I've seen enough of those YouTubes of people being like, um, and um, um, um, and just completely glitch out. I'm like, I'm definitely going to do that one time. I don't know. I think that after you do it long enough, you're like, your body knows.

28:56I feel like I would like my body. I'd be like, all right, thank you. Buy a t-shirt. And then as soon as I'm off stage, that's when my fucking stroke happens. You know, you're such a showman. so dedicated to the craft that'll be nice is there a better way though like you're on stage you're killing like the last thought you have is like

29:14Shane Gillis:it all depends on if you're killing fuck yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah like alright not a waste if it was just an average normal I'd rather be bombing and die go down fighting exactly I'm gonna get out of this I'm gonna try new you try the one new one it just kills you of course yeah that's actually not what I was trying to say 40 minutes in, you blow it, can't close, pull out your own gun. It'd be cool if they armed us on stage. Yeah. You should. They should arm us and teachers. Yeah. The real heroes. The frontline warriors. Yeah. Teachers for sure. You got to give teachers guns. When you did Eagles?

29:53Shane Gillis:Why not? Just because. I don't even care. It'd be cool if a teacher had a gun. It'd be nice. It'd give them a little more confidence. But like an AK strapped to their chest. Yeah. Yeah. Like not a little pocket piece. Yeah, it'd be nice. Like a sawed-off shotgun. Just a strapped, like an assault rifle strapped on their shoulder. What's the capital of Liberia? Imagine that, though. Monrovia.

30:16Shane Gillis:It'd be fun as a fun teacher prank to me. You don't have your homework? Like, ah, come on. Let's do a better job. Just like one throwing star over the kid's head? Yeah, corporal. I would like, what is it called? Corporal punishment. They should be a little bit. We need a little bit of that, I think. I think tuning up the kids a bit would be helpful. Just not like super hard, but like a systemized. One of these behind the ear. Yeah. Dave T style. Bang. Boxing ears would be nice. Oh, you can pop one, man. Pop a kid's eardrum that he can't listen to you at all. Fucking medically. Should have fucking paid attention.

30:50I got, I got to go to Ways to Well after this. Ooh. So I'm thinking about that. It's weighing heavy on me. What is it? I'm going to get, I made a mistake. Because I'm taking Phil in. Nice. I've got a fucked up knee. Yeah. They were like, we can. Oh, is this that stem cell thing they're always trying to get you to do at the mothership? There's a guy there every time I'm there. And he's like, come on in, man. We'll fucking inject you with blood. You'll be all right. I'm like, what? Who are you? I don't know. They cured Aaron Rodgers. No, no. I think it's an actual medical thing. I think they can get Phil Gillis.

31:19I think they can get Phil. I mean, Phil, he crushed my hand with his handshake. I don't want Phil to get another knee surgery or something. Yeah. So I was like, yeah, we'll come down for Texas Ohio State football while we're down here. see what happens get some embryo in there but then i made a mistake of being like well well if i'm going in i'll fucking yeah i'll get something they're like is anything wrong i was like my knees crackle they're like great we'll do that and now they're like needle dude yeah but then they're like it's gonna hurt yeah and as soon as they said that i was like oh no well i don't need this also i googled knee crackling it's fine yeah i would think so it is dude spud he was going

31:55Shane Gillis:want to get the like stemmies or something like that and they're like oh no you just need there's another thing they do if you don't need the stem cells they just get a thick gauge needle and just fucking puncture your tissue and that kind of relaxes it somehow so they were just like stabbing him with like a fucking heart if they're doing that i'm saying no yeah dude i you can also just get an iv drip which i'm gonna do that yeah can you do that yeah it doesn't have to like go to like the specific cell if i had like something actually wrong with my knee yeah which that was the mistake of saying bro i don't know if i'm wrong i was like my knees crackle ah they're gonna look they're gonna fucking dude they're gonna know dude i'm thinking about a needle into my knee today that sucks ass i wouldn't be able to podcast if i knew i was due for a needle i'm fried i hate needles big needles into your knee while your dad's there so you can't cry then i was like well if it hurts i don't want to do it dude you're getting it's like a three three out of ten who's three a woman's three is like a man seven yeah fuck you're getting a for real, you're getting a needle.

32:51Matt, I don't need any of your jokes.

32:57Shane Gillis:Yo, for real, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear you're getting a needle. I'm like a four-year-old. If I hear I have a needle, I'm kind of like... Yeah, I've been thinking about it for a week. It sucks. This episode is brought to you by Tekovas. Lately, I've been getting more into boots. There's something about wearing a good pair that just changes how you carry yourself. You become more confident. At least that's how I feel when I put on my Tecovas. They're super comfortable right out of the box. No break-in period needed. I've used them for all kinds of plans, weddings, barbecues, concerts, you name it.

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34:16Shane Gillis:I had a surprise charge story. Really? Crazy surprise charge. Oh, those lying cam girls? No, actually. It's funny enough. It had nothing to do with that. I was going through my, which one we call it? I have a joint credit card with my wife and we're going over the monthly charges and it was like a shock. Someone had, I think, frauded us and I had a charge for the Bangkok massage down by the airport. Son of a bitch. It was fucking bullshit. $160. I mean, and also that's a tough one for you to have to. I know. That was not me. I said, babe, what the hell? I'm so surprised by this. This is fraudulent and suspicious activity.

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34:56Shane Gillis:Guys, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. That's rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. Rocketmoney.com slash MSSP. When I get blood taken, I for real, like, jokingly ask the nurse to hold my hand. And then she'll be like, ha-ha. And I'm like, did you feel? Please hold my hand. I'm definitely looking away. I'm going to be like, relax. You have to relax. I can't. Last time I got my blood drawn, I was like, how long have you been in phlebotomist? And she was like, oh, six weeks. That was like the worst fucking answer I could get. Dude, I still have a fucking, someone scarred me down here.

35:33Oh, wow.

35:34Shane Gillis:I had like a little track mark, dude. It hurts. It's like bubbled up. Every time I touch it, I'm like, bitch. Yeah, I think I'm not going to do this. she was fucking mean you don't have to no they could clean your blood or something though while you're there I don't want them to clean my blood I'm just gonna get an IV sprint in and run in there and be like all good guys fucking knees stop crackling just start jumping in front of them I'm fine they kept calling and being like so how bad is the pain in your knee I was like zero I just said it makes crackles what have you been doing for PT for your knee I'm like I'm not rehabilitating my knees yeah like what's the injury like there's no injury i just panicked in a fucking questionnaire i wanted to fit in you had to have a response there was no fucking it was like what do you need i was like knees uh-huh they're like so what's going on with your knees nothing nothing at all like well we're gonna fucking inject yeah we're gonna jam you with a harpoon you're gonna jump like 20 feet if these work and i have jacked knees yeah you're gonna be bounding from place to place It's like a mechanic.

36:37Shane Gillis:They're going to find something. They're going to keep looking. Fuck. They're going to test drive you. I think I can cancel it. Yeah. You've got to get your dad done. I'm taking filling. He needs it. He's got menaceous. Drop him off. He's got menaceous. Just hang in the car. He's been taking a shower for a while. He has. Hold up. But what if they have lollipops? Mystery. Okay. Dumb dumb. I have to be a good guy. Yeah. I have to be good. I have to be good in there. You have to be brave. and you can't fuck around in the waiting room and play. I'll come with you. I'll hold your hand. They're going to inject you.

37:10They're going to hit me with darts when I walk in. Put them down. They're going to pin me to the wall. They're going to cut you open like a butterfly.

37:20Shane Gillis:You're going to stay there forever. I'm going to be in a box. Sam talents us. I've always wanted to do this. You should. Face your fingers. You'll be okay. Now it's the day of and I really don't want to do it. To have him put you under. Yeah. Small needle before the big. Or just show up wasted. Then they can't do it. They'll do it. They'll do it. They don't have fun. Oh, yeah, maybe. It's an alpha doctor. It's just alpha doctors. Right, yeah. You're wasted, sick. That's actually good for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your blood sinner is perfect. It's actually fucking rules. A little bit of alcohol does raise your testosterone slightly.

37:54Shane Gillis:Really? For a little bit. Just if you have like a couple drinks, your testosterone technically does raise slightly. Is that just because it makes you like dumber? I've seen it. I've seen real testosterone You looking at me I don't like anyone here We gotta go I gotta hit the streets Starts flipping a coin Yeah Brushing your hair Fuck now I really don't want to do this Yeah you don't have to No it has to be done You can do it I know I can do it It'll be alright It's gonna hurt a lot A knee injection Is it a boy giving you a needle or a girl? I think it's a boy It sucks Really? I only want girl Yeah I would want a boy for this I don't want a boy too I'm gonna be such a fucking pussy Yeah I don't know Girl I feel like I only ever have girl needlers And it's like I like I like just You know Something about If she has to be nice If she's mean It crushes me Oh she can't be like Like this bitch who gave me This fucking track mark Yeah Fucking asshole Yeah be present for this lady It's scary for me.

39:03I know I'm one of 12 for you today, but please just focus. Stop looking at the clock.

39:08Shane Gillis:Yeah, yeah. Quit eating hot Cheetos. Yeah, I had to go for my life insurance. The lady had to take blood, and she brought a thick gauge needle, and she did it right to my home, right to my house. I haven't been able to relax in my house since. Thick boy. You're getting, like, two of your home needlings? Yeah, it was life insurance. They're like, we'll just come to you, and we'll get all your shit. You got life insurance? I think so. Me too. Do you have it? Yeah. It's a nice slash kind of weird feeling, though. Yeah. It's like, dude, I always tell my wife, I'm like, the best thing I could do right now is die.

39:39Shane Gillis:For the family, you mean? Yeah. It's a big needle? It's fucking huge. Let me see what you got. Let me see. Oh, my God. Oh. Dang. That's like a video game needle. Dude. I get it. Oh, no. That's like the fucking. This guy hurt. What? That's like the Pulp Fiction needle. Like putting a battery in your knee. You'll be alright, man

40:08Shane Gillis:Yeah, that thing's crazy It's like what they shot up the roadrunner with Well, fuck, man

40:18Shane Gillis:As soon as they do it, it's go Ah! Ah! Completely unnecessary For clicks? It better stop clicking It's clickbait It's totally fine I googled it again last night because I was like, yeah, it must be terrible. It must be like cartilage or something. It's like it's completely normal. Yeah. Yeah, your knees can – yeah, my knees can – It's like a joint crack. I think it's like – what is it? What is it, like air in your joints or something? Mm-hmm. You got some air in your knees. Who cares? You got those left tackle knees, man. Do you think I can cancel? Yeah, yes. You can do whatever you want. What are you talking about?

40:51My knee's my choice. Yeah. Your knee's your choice. Yeah, yeah. Your body.

40:56Shane Gillis:I'll protest outside. Yeah, I'll make a sign right now. Pick head. Yeah, where are they getting stem cells? Because I feel like in Catholic school, we were against this. No, they got them. They figured out how to get them from not babies. Okay. Yeah. They're not from babies anymore, apparently. Maybe. Yeah, never mind. They get them from the sac? The embryonic sac? Are there stem cells in there? I don't know. Is it all cord blood? I'm not sure. I don't either. But they're not babies anymore, I'm telling you. They don't get it from babies. I heard you can get it without babies now. It says early stage embryos, adult tissues, and prenatal materials like umbilical cord blood.

41:31Shane Gillis:Yeah, so they just like, you cut the umbilical, you throw that thing the fuck out. So they're taking that and get some umbilical in your knees. Umbilical is good stuff. That's the best stuff. That is the best stuff. If you're telling me it's some umbilical. Shane, if you're going to get stem cells, you want it straight from the baby. You don't want umbilical cord stem cells. Really? You don't want leftover stem cells. Where do you think the baby's getting all the baby stuff from, though? But that's used. It's done. It's gone. It's not used. It's ready. Baby's been using that for nine months. I'd really like to not do this.

42:03Your medical advisors are solid, though. How about this?

42:05Shane Gillis:How about this? Your nurses are great. Watch your dad. Just watch. Is your dad's appointment first? We're at the same time. I feel like I need to keep an eye on him. I want to keep an eye on him. He's really old. He gets scared. At the same time? Well, the problem is I'm going to go in and go. I actually really don't want to do this. I'm not going to go, dude, don't be a pussy. It really doesn't hurt. And you might as well do it. Yeah. And I'm going to go, okay. Yeah, I know. That's exactly what's going to happen. I'm going to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't cancel things. You could say that you can't do it because of insurance for set for tires for.

42:42Shane Gillis:The doctors are going to go, you'll be fine. Yeah, they're going to go, that's not true. You just lied to me. I trick a doctor every day. Don't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone. Maybe listen to your counsel. No, I would get it. If you're going to be there. The council betrayed me. This is crazy. These are your advisors. True. It's not true. They want his knees to buckle. Yeah. The council, yeah. Yeah. That way they can steal your crown. We're the Chili's council. We're used to being at B-dubs. You took the mic for that? I say we skip the appointment, go get a triple dipper, couple brewskis. That's what I say.

43:18Shane Gillis:Now you're talking my language. Also, minor flex and own the appetizers. I mean I'm not trying to flex I gotta be honest I don't really grub there Just drink I'm better for one thing Here we go This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew The number one brand For better sex Blue Chew just dropped something crazy Blue Chew Gold For years Blue Chew has made it easy For over 5 million men to get hard But now they make it easy to get horny too. Blue Chew Gold gets your brain and body on the same page. Rather than just helping blood flow, gold combines four ingredients into one powerful tablet. Two of those ingredients maximize blood flow and the other two boost arousal and intimacy in the brain.

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44:49Shane Gillis:Oh my goodness. And what a better way to reward your partner with, you know, hey, I'm going to be watching TV. I'm going to be watching football all day. She or he gets a little grumpy with you. For sure. And you go, watch this. I'm going to knock that attitude right out of you. Bro. Blue chew gold. Woo. Think about that. Hit her with the real deal. Or him. Hit her with the hammer. Or him. Or him. For sure. I'm wet. I'm wet for you, bro. Wait.

45:23Oh, Phil didn't hear that. Hey, I have a new book. It comes out September 22nd. It's called Brute. You can pre-order it. Get it wherever books are available. It's a violent thriller about a hitman in Paris. He's an ex-marine killing his way through Paris and hunting a mafia don. So it's really good. Sent one to Shane. He read it in one day. Said it was the best book he ever read. It was awesome. Yeah. So you should be like Shane. I thought running the leg was great. Thanks, man. I sent you a hand-binded one. sent me 10. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember the quote you gave me for Running the Light? What was it?

45:55It's like, wow, who could believe such a fat mutant could write such a good book? Such a dumb donkey. It was literally whatever. I'm stoked, man. It's going to be awesome. United boned us. But yeah, and then I'll be at Cleveland Hilarities this weekend in Winnipeg Rumors. So yeah, get your ticket at samtalent.com. I'm always, I get so jealous when I hear hilarities. Dude. I love it. You know, grass is greener, right? Trouble Behemoth is my podcast.

46:20Shane Gillis:Guys, September 25th, next weekend, the weekend after this one, Royal Oak, Michigan, I'll be there. I'll be in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That's a big one. That one's a dragon. Come on, Milwaukee. Charlotte, North Carolina, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa. All those are good. Orlando's good. Here's the one that's really keeping me up at night. Newark, New Jersey. Guys, this place is huge. I don't know why they put me there. No, it's going to be good. It's the Galactic Senate. You'll see. I'm hoping, but God darn, it's going to be me. It's going to be me and a couple guys dipping out.

46:51Shane Gillis:That's the way it looks right now. That would be actually really fun. It would be awesome. We just chill. Yeah, whatever. Who cares if you shit about Newark? Guys, come if you don't. Come if you don't. Baltimore, Maryland, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Diego, Sacramento. That's it for me. Yo. I got nothing. Hell yeah. Hello. Hey, everybody. It's me, LaMare. I'm going to be in Florida in October in Orlando on the 3rd for Halloween. And Jacksonville on the 29th. And I'm trying to get a show in Gainesville on the 30th. Duval. And then, yeah. End of the month, Philly for Thanksgiving. That'll be sick.

47:24Yeah. All right, great.

47:26Shane Gillis:Nice. Thank you, guys. Yeah. I had a nice salty, dry chicken breast from there at the airport. I'll be honest, though. It wasn't bad. I told Nate. True. I do. I just get, like, a sandwich. Yeah, I told Nate. I said, this actually isn't bad fuel for the airport. You hit Chili's and get just a piece of chicken. Solid fuel. Yeah. It's not bad fuel. Chili's is the best. Like, that's what gets me most excited in an airport is a good Chili's. Yeah. Got to lay over here at Chili's. Get those chips. Sit down. Salsa. Your burger. Great chips and salsa. The best. Great chips and salsa. Great tenders. They're saying quality tenders.

47:59Yeah.

47:59Shane Gillis:Nice. Yeah, definitely better than TGI for sure. TGI fell off. TGI is crazy. I don't even, do they exist? Hold on. That salad bar at Ruby Tuesdays? Undefeated. Yeah. Don't you flip your hands at me, Sean. What the heck? I don't know what happened to Sean. Yeah. I don't know what's going on with this guy. I think something's going on. I think he's happy, and this is what it looks like. I think he's comfortable. Yeah, he's satisfied. Are you in a good mood? I was. What made it feel bad? Not about Portland and Seattle. I got to tell everyone in Portland and Seattle, be nice to Sean. No, everyone was nice.

48:36He texted me. Please tell everyone.

48:40Shane Gillis:Well, that was a joke. I appreciate it. I'm good, I'm happy Nice Beautiful girlfriend, great mustache Big dick, you know he's a big dick Of course, he tells me every time I see him The girlfriend stuff's gotta relax What? I never talk about your squall Why are you talking about my squall? Because I'm friends with your girlfriend Oh, even weirder This isn't weird at all I'm very happy for you, I think you're both adorable I have no intent to better What? Okay, here we go God, a man wears linen pants and all the code. I'm the enemy. She's cool. I like her. All right. I don't feel like that's any of your business, but I appreciate it.

49:26I'm as sad, Sean. I'm just kidding. I love you. I haven't said her name. That's respectful. I mean, yeah. Please don't. Please don't. You've been gone too long. No, I haven't. He's getting confidence. You haven't been smashing him over and over again. I only try to uplift these guys. That's good. No, I know that. They drag me down into their muck. We go out to drink. They go, you know who you should hate? They name a comedian. They go, you're a fucking asshole. I like him. He's fucking fake. But I mean, that's what you want the kids to know about. You want them to be pissed at Congress. That's not true.

50:15gosh darn it for the record sam what's been up with you man just you know trying to navigate uh i'm new to hollywood so i've like went to la and did a week out there and nice it was it was good it was fruitful new book coming out on the 22nd that's like been dominating my whole summer so it'll be nice for people to have it but yeah that's awesome yeah it's good stuff um it's it's Like, you know, I wrote, it's a gay hit man in Paris doing like killing a mafia Don. So it's like, I'm very stoked for people to have to like reckon with the fact that it's a cool book. And then there's like, you know, dudes banging.

50:52It's awesome. Yeah.

50:53Shane Gillis:The more could you want? I don't know. It's everything you want. Well, you know what it is? It's a female beach read disguised as a man book. So I think women will get it and be horny and then guys will be like, whoa, there's a hatchet and eight guns. You have to write a female beach read. Kind of did. That's the biggest. I know. Yeah. It's that in YA. It's the only thing being read. Yeah, it's not literary fiction, let me tell you. Apparently there's a huge crisis. Men aren't reading. It's only women are reading. They're only reading smut. I know, but luckily Mr. Beast fixed that, so now men all read.

51:21True. Him and James Patterson wrote a novel together. I thought that was a joke. No, dude, and it was pretty much his, like, if I did it. It was pretty much, the book is like... If I didn't refer... Mr. Beast had that, like, Beast Game show, but it's kind of like, what if Jigsaw ran Beast Game? So it's just Mr. Beast's fantasy from what I can tell. It's just like murdering all of his contestants. But written by someone named James Patterson.

51:45Shane Gillis:So yeah, they've teamed up. They saved it all, man. These guys all read the book, you know. My cousins all read the book. Yeah, I wonder who guys are still into Guy Smut, which was just Clancy, you know. Clancy? Yeah. Oh, Tom Clancy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that shit's still... Any paperback that's this big sells 100 million copies. But any book that has a hardcover, people don't buy it. Yeah, it sucks. It's bad. I love reading. You can't talk about reading. Video games have never been better. It's tough. It's tough to be a reader. It's true. There you go. I read that. You got me onto Dennis Johnson.

52:22I'm a big fan. He's the greatest. Yeah. He's the coolest. You read Angels? No. You read Jesus' Son? I read Jesus' Son, Tree of Smoke, and Laughing Monsters. Yeah, Laughing Monsters is okay. But man, those other two are fucking heaters. And then you try and go promote your book on a podcast and people are like, you ever farted on a book? And you're like, yes, and.

52:44Shane Gillis:Have you ever farted on a book? Yeah, for sure. I mean. Fall asleep. Yeah. Books in the bed. You certainly farted on a book. Yeah, well, also, like, you ever done the thing where you fart on a hard chair? You go bare ass on a chair? Yes, we used to fart on textbooks. Of course. I was about to say in school, you definitely fart on your friend's book. textbook. It'd be hilarious. Fart into a book bag, zip it up. Fart on top of your friend's head and then put his hat back on. You take his hat off, fart on his head, put his hat on. That's a good one. I never even thought of this. You're not the only innovator, Shane.

53:16Shane Gillis:Fart grenades are still... Thinking about those, they might have been the worst. Fart cup and then into someone's face. The kiss of death. Or you used to reach behind someone and it's covered their face. Yeah, you smothered them. Not only were you farting into... Dude, that should be like an expellable offense. It has to be. I think now if you were to fart club somebody. Sexual assault. It's crazy. You face hug someone with a handful of flatulence? Yeah. Yeah. What about, did you guys ever do that like choke out thing around like 6th, 7th grade? Pass out. Yeah, that was huge. That was awesome.

53:47God. Hit my head so many times. You're learning to pass out.

53:50Shane Gillis:It's such a sick thing. I'm going to do this all the time. Oh, yeah. Well, at first it's getting dizzy and then it's passing out and then it's real drugs. Yep. And then you just stop. Everyone does it for like a week and then it's like, it's gone. Yeah. I got choked up by this kid who was named Billy. He was like probably four foot three at the time. And he was like, let me show you something. And I was like a hulking man, you know, while I was in sixth grade, I was morbidly obese, but he like choked me out in the middle of class. And I came to, and I was going, oh, oh. And like every one of my peers was standing over my limp body as I came to.

54:20Shane Gillis:It was the worst. Did you take like 30 deep breaths really quick? Does that help you pass out faster? No, I just was like, yeah, choke me. And then I woke up. like every girl I cared about. Devastating. Yeah. We were doing it on the bus. You go like, like a bunch of times and then they do it and you just go, fall out. You could also do the, and then like put your head between your knees and you could like force yourself to hang out, I think. Really? Yeah. I don't know. I thought kids could make themselves. Have you ever tried to blow yourself? Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, not like ever. I never thought I was going to achieve it.

54:49I knew it was never. I never even. Never got my hopes up. I got to like a crunch. Yeah. Ow. Yeah. That's it.

54:57Shane Gillis:Yeah. I got a long way to go. It's not for me. Got a real long way to go. Don't you have to throw your legs over your head? I don't know. I definitely, I was just curious. I don't think I would have done it, but I was like, could I? And I was like, yeah, not even close. If you can do it, you would have. Oh, yeah. LaMare's making tutorial videos. Really? Yeah. Every time LaMare makes a video, I get a million people DMing me. What's on tutorial? You got to shut this shit down. It's him on a jujitsu mat trying to suck his own dick. Really? Yeah. It was a self-suck tutorial. Hiding a laugh and then going, keep going.

55:29Shane Gillis:How did you What have you What do you show how to Do you actually show how to do it I was just trying to practice the rolling it in technique There's various techniques Yeah there's several techniques I came across one of your combatants On a flight I came across a guy that said he's been wrestling with you He said you're a son of a gun I was like you've been beating Lemaire's ass He goes Lemaire's a fucking tough ticket When you said combatants I meant like an ex-lover That's what I thought someone went toe to toe with you perhaps a future lover are you wrestling in there uh just a little bit he's been wrestling oh yeah bro that's sick you gotta i think you'd be really good at it yeah there is Nate yeah they're training for a fight deadly squad yeah go throw hands with all the comics we don't like it'll be nice dang what's your what's your boxing protocol right now my protocol yeah like what do you What's the training session consist of?

56:25I'm just learning the ones and twos, threes. I just learned the three. Nice. Hopefully I'm on the four next. Right hook. Get the right hook going. Is uppercut a big part of the game? It is, but not for me. I thought I had a little bit. I got nothing. Isn't that three? Huh? That's left hook.

56:41Shane Gillis:I'm assuming it's like six, yeah. Yeah, uppercut's right trigger, circle.

56:49Shane Gillis:What's fireball? When do you learn that? That's what I want to learn. Damn, we're getting ready for the bar punching machine. He did good at it the other day. We went bowling. I've been doing good, but I didn't hit it. You lost him. But he lost to his girlfriend at the bar. Well, that's an indictment on everybody. She'd know you lost her, and then she told you, I'll knock you out, and you took it. She literally said, I could knock you out. What was the score? You're lying. See, they turned on you. They'll never be able to attack me. They divide and collapse. This is the Council of Ghent. It would be easy.

57:31Shane Gillis:Oh, Casey, why are you going first on me? That's kind of fucked up. Why doesn't he go first? He started fighting immediately right away. What numbers was everybody putting up? Yeah, I had 930. Hell yeah. You just stole her story? You're saying he's lying right now. I'm not lying. You're lying about the punch of that. I hate nine. What did she get? He did get higher than me. He got like 8. Oh, my bad. He got like 8.30. Is this at Copper Tank? This is at Copper Tank. He did not get nine. Nobody got nine. I had like one bad one where I got like a five, but I hurt my thumb. I threw a bag. I tried to show off.

58:06You hurt your thumb. What did you throw? One or two? I tried to throw a four. They hadn't taught me a four.

58:17Shane Gillis:The four fucking ruined my thumb. But LaMere did not hit a nine Anything We gotta go We gotta go No We'll see Gotta cut a promo on his ass LaMere Come on I don't have to do that Dude I was at an arcade recently And a little boy asked me He was chasing tickets He goes Can you punch the thing for me So I can get the tickets I said You got it little boy One of the One of the proudest moments I left I fucking socked that thing Yeah It was a little boy And his mother And I said Take the boy Mom was there too? Mom was there. I said, hey, little boy, go sit on your mother's lap. Watch what a man can do.

58:55Shane Gillis:Keep it warm for me. Why don't you warm that fucking lap up? I'm sorry I don't have a dad. Watch this. Here I go. And I just socked the shit out of it. I said, you got a good boy there, man. Yeah. Raise him well. Keep him in school. I had a similar thing in a skee ball where my niece needed like 40 tickets, so I just stood by the side of the skee ball thing and just put my arm right in the 500s just over and over again. Yeah. You can cheat so bad. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And every parent's like, like no one's tattling. No one's like, yeah, yeah. We all paid$800. The arcade fucks you over so bad. They're like, those power cards now.

59:30Shane Gillis:Dude, you put like 50 bucks on it, it's gone in like 30 minutes. It's like 13 credits somehow per swipe. Yeah, no. Yeah, I have no, if you're in the arcade gift shop, I say take something. Mm-hmm. There was one time. Pay the teen behind the counter. They'll give you whatever the fuck they want. I've asked them, like, hey, because the one time, like, Because, like, if your kids don't get equal fucking tickets, then, like, one gets one thing. Like, oh, I can't get it. I should be like, you should be fucking better at the claw game, dumbass. But you have to be like, guys, give you$10 for that. So we can both get two stuffed animals.

59:57Shane Gillis:And there was a time before where, like, I was just like, go. He's like, you have it? I'm like, let's get the fuck out of here. Fuck these guys. I don't feel like going. We're not playing more games. I'm like, yo, you're on your own. Go ahead. They can't try you. Go walk out of here. I'll keep an eye on these guys. Yeah, that's great, man. Go. It wasn't very long ago. You got to teach your kids early. I looked around and said, hey, man, you can leave if you want. I'm not in charge of this place. I don't give a fuck. She got out. Oh, Brittany was so mad. She said, you're a piece of shit. I can't believe you let her do that.

1:00:30I was like, bro, we spent like fucking 150 bucks. In the defense of the arcade staff, though, every single parent's coming up and doing the same. Yeah, for sure. They got to control this.

1:00:40Shane Gillis:And they said no, wasn't even mad at them. I said, no problem. Yeah. I think we learned that trick of bribing from the carnival midway. So you're used to bribing carnies on the boardwalk, and then you go to a corporate family fun center, and there's no way they're going to let you wet their beaks. Yeah, but it's like, bro, here's a Hamilton, bro. Look the other way. Here's a fucking crisp yellow tent. Go buy a dime with this, bud. Here's a dub. You're a real tough customer? Here's a dub. Fucking, I need a peaceful ride home. I don't want him fucking screaming about a stuffed animal. That's Phil's phone.

1:01:10Shane Gillis:Oh, it's got to be the death ring. My dad's phone is on a million every time. The alerts have been... It's like an ambulance. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh, yeah. This guy won the US Open. Bro. Yeah, great. That word isn't playing. It's just one letter at a time. Also, I can't make fun of him because I'm on the same exact thing, but the ring cam loves talking on the ring cam. Oh, I farted into the ring cam while the mayor was outside. I sent him a fart from New York. Threw a doorbell in Texas. pretty incredible they say technology's bad yeah they say technology's bad he's got a clip zuckerberg in like the whole goal is sick and next and that is that is that is male friendship sending a fart from new york is airmailed alexander graham bell would have just been like finally yes they did it also a white guy and a black guy yeah new york texas having fun the country is together yeah that's true two 40 40 year old pieces of shit farting next comes the actual tube so we can smell it like futurama bank tube we can't send smells we're not ready to send smells this smells that men will be requesting and sending unrequested it will be worse and then be on the other end of that going not what i was hoping that was gonna be yeah dude if you could put the smell of like all day airport underwear you know like when you had The layover?

1:02:38Now you're talking to the Japanese are frothing for this technology. I'm surprised they haven't invented it.

1:02:44Shane Gillis:There's got to be a way it could detect certain particles. Here's the approximation. Hey, dude, AI is upon us. We'll get some farts. I'll be able to toss some air some farts. Via my ring cam. You can have it where he has to sniff it to enter the house. Sniff technology? The bank tube. It's like a bank tube. The canister pops up. You watch. Go ahead. smell it that's Shane's Shane's house now you can play your games although you're a noise monster though I am a noise monster unfortunately you're more noise unfortunately you're more bark than bite it doesn't smell it's so loud it's like not even a drop I have a similar situation where my wife's you can't hear them but they are the worst girls dogs O 'Connor O 'Connor Matt's got a bit of he's got some bite yeah I can I can get some bite going it's usually guys focused on their diet that have insane shit.

1:03:38Con Man, though, I don't know how he does it. But, because he is not focused on his diet.

1:03:44Shane Gillis:Yeah, they have some bad ones. He uncorks hell. Well, dude, if you have a problem with dairy, then you can clear out a room. Dairy farts are like, if you're lactose intolerant, are the worst of the worst. So bad. I shared a room with my buddy Nathan two weeks ago, and I woke up before him, and fuck, it smelled so bad in there, dude. And I knew it was him, and I just had to go sit in the lobby for like two hours until he woke up. I came back in and it still fucking reeked. Like old. Like you wake up and you're afraid. Like something bad's going on. Like you're in a barn and it's on fire. Smelling a fart that you didn't even hear is like...

1:04:22Shane Gillis:You just wake up caked. I've done it to my own car where you like fart in your car, get out, handle this, get back in. You go, I'll get in a day later. Yeah. What the fuck? Or like a grandma's car? A grandma's car will reek. Ocon Man put on a clinic last weekend. Whatever. We went to the Wisconsin Notre Dame game, but we were leaving after the game, so we weren't staying there in Wisconsin. So I was like, let's just get one hotel room just for guys to, if you got a dump, if you got a shower. That's nice. So there was a locker room. You had a locker room. Six of us in there. Obviously, Ocon Man takes the liberty of taking the first dump.

1:05:00unannounced dump just goes hits it it smelled up the entire room i go in to take a piss 20 minutes after him oh no i come out he's loosening his hips he's stretching on the ground oh that's crazy he's laying on the ground stretching oh he's like it and i was like was that you and he was like yeah what i was like we had to open the door of the hotel room into the hallway oh We had to release it in the hallway. It literally smelled in that bathroom for close to two hours. Travel with candles. And then there was a big debate between the fellas because he was like, just turn the shower on. Oh, no.

1:05:39And I was like, that's going to make it way worse. Yeah, because then it clings to the steam. Then you have a blanket of shit smell. That's what I said. I know every trick. That one doesn't work.

1:05:46Shane Gillis:Matches kills it. Matches are great. There was a slight debate over the shower thing. He uses pseudoscience instantly. He's like, no, the molecules of the air will grab it and drop it to the ground with the weight, and the fart will disappear. The fart gets in your hair. Into the floor, into your clothes. One of us is going to sleep face down in it later. It's like a mud mask of fart. No, I don't think that works like that. I've told him, I was like, I've taken plenty of steamers. Yeah. If a girl's over, you go, I have to shower. Yeah. You climb out the window in the bathroom and shit outside.

1:06:25Oh, no, this is way worse. You don't see this fart coming out.

1:06:31Shane Gillis:That's what oseum does. When you spray oseum, it catches every molecule out of the air. We tried it. I tried it in LaMare's room. There's cans of oseum laying around. Wasn't he huffing those? It did kind of work, but then the room just smelled like chemicals. I was about to say, it's probably the fat. Yeah, that stuff's nasty. at this point that room is is this the room out there? yeah are you just gonna like burn it down when you move out? you have to like remove the drywall it must be destroyed yeah we were in the pool the other day he opened the door and the smell got into the pool you could smell the smoke from dude all you gotta do is step outside and blaze you're smoking blunts in there?

1:07:14he's smoking everything in there smoking meats? What are you smoking in there, brisket? I'm just smoking, you know? Yeah. That's crazy, dude. Yeah, but smoking inside is pretty sick, especially when it's not your place. You know what I mean? Like, that's really sweet and good deal. It's really, really dominating somebody else. Yeah, yeah. Phil got a little taste of the mayor this week. It's been nice. We came back. We got dinner last night, and we came back, and he was like, he just walked past me, and he was like, you got to get Monday Night Football on. The mayor's got fucking wrestling on. Yep.

1:07:46Welcome. Welcome to the show. How do you get along with old Phil? They get along great. I bet it works out. It's a good partnership. Phil rules. Yeah. I don't know if we're allowed to talk about it. He met your lady. We can edit it there if we have to. He was like, she's so nice. Yeah. And then, of course, the next question. How the fuck?

1:08:11What's going on there? Classic dad follow-up. Yeah.

1:08:16Shane Gillis:What a bright-eyed young thing. Yeah, exactly. You ever bring a girl to your uncle's every time? We do this fucking piece of shit. He's got the Talon family curse. Talking about your penis. What? It's insane, the shit they say. Phil has a real knack of just being like, are you guys, she hasn't left you yet? Dude, why do you ask that? Every time. So far, he's 100 % right, though. No. So maybe. So far, he's got it right. Phil. Phil. What are you doing back there?

1:09:00Nice. Talking to your mother. Talking to my mom. Oh, yeah. That's sweet. Still communicating. That's nice. What? I sent her a picture of Phil yesterday to the group chat, and she was like, Phil, you need to change. You've been wearing that outfit for three days. He's been in the same outfit for three days. the cat's away dude the second he's not with my mom he is a fucking wreck it's crazy he got bombed at the chili and then yesterday laid on the couch the whole day i put on the sopranos he's never so he watched season two of the sopranos just half asleep the entire time just I was like dude go to sleep he's like I'm watching this dads can't sleep in their beds during the day they can sleep everywhere else but that's what a lazy bones does so they have to get up out of bed and then walk 30 feet and then just be in the way all day and then you're like hey man why don't you go take a nap and they're like I kicked my ass I haven't been around him a lot lately I didn't realize he doesn't drink it explains why we always had milk he doesn't drink water I gotta give him water dude you gotta drink this He's like, I don't like water.

1:10:09Yeah. What? He likes to be preferring it. Oh, dude. I have an uncle that's. What percentage? 2%.

1:10:16Shane Gillis:Okay. That's some water. Reasonable. My one uncle. My one uncle is ginger ale. 98. It's ginger ale, milk, or beer. Water, it's like drinking piss to him. He's just like. Yeah. It doesn't taste good. Gatorade. If it's 100 degrees, he'll drink Gatorade. That's it. I never saw my grandfather drink a glass of water. They don't drink water. Ever once. He would make his own Pepsi in the fridge out of like chocolate milk and like old. He was trying to recreate the old Pepsi recipe. So he's had a jug and he would like sip it while like mowing his lawn with his shirt off. It's just brown water. Women struggle with water too.

1:10:49That's why they all have those fucking giant cups. Oh, yeah, yeah. They go, I have to drink this. You got to stay on their ass too.

1:10:55Shane Gillis:Just fucking chug it. But dude, it's the same water for three days. They don't even drink. They just carry them around so they look cool. Women don't drink water. It's growing mold in there. It smells like a fucking turtle tank every time. Every time I open my wife's thing, I'm like, bro, when's the last time he changed his fucking water? There's toads jumping into it. That's where the fucking toads have been going. I always open up. I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. I'm trying. I've never smelled a Stanley Cup. That's disgusting. It's so bad. My wife leaves them by the sink. Yeah, it stinks so bad.

1:11:19Shane Gillis:The girls have fucking pond water in those things. They don't drink it. You got to remember to watch. They used to have pond water all day. Yeah. I remember they were so mean all the time. Yeah, they have fucking babies. Fucking pond water. Tummy full of swamp. Yeah. That's for real. That's why I don't feel good. I'm tired. I have to watch SVP for six hours. What's that shit dogs get vaxxed for if they drink a puddle? Barvo? Yeah. They have like the puddle disease. Yeah. Like a squirrel pees in it. Don't they lay eggs? Like the bugs lay eggs in there and then the dogs drink them? Yeah. That's how they get worms and shit?

1:11:52Shane Gillis:Vax for puddle disease. If a deer pees in a puddle and a dog drinks it, they get fucked up. It's like a Chinese proverb. Bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. I always argue the vet with that. I'm like, my dog's not going to drink a fucking puddle. Well, if they do, I'm like. Your dogs are definitely Jackson's scarfing puddles. He actually, he was eating a mud puddle, actually, the other day. But also, I'm like. Whatever happens to Jackson. Yeah, man. He's fucking blind. Yeah. Walking in. Every now and now, his new thing is he'll, like, walk into a room and just go. And just stand there. Like, yo, what are you doing?

1:12:21Shane Gillis:He just goes. Jackson, what the fuck are you doing over there? Jackson's a legend. Oh, he's so funny. He's so funny. Eating mud reminds me of a field trip. And there was this kid. um you know he was a good kid but maybe a little slower and uh we were at like out in the middle of nowhere uh in colorado and my teacher was one of those cool teachers you know who's like knows the kid slow but like hey we're gonna include him so this kid fucking like comes back from the like the middle of nowhere and he just is covered like his whole face is covered in mud my teacher was like leave him alone he thinks it's cake which didn't help at all but like that was his like spur of the moment i gotta i gotta say for some reason of like you know like how like people from louisville call it louisville for some reason when people call it colorado yeah i'm like you're wrong oh yeah even though you're from there uh how did i said it colorado colorado yeah colorado that's how everybody i didn't even notice that colorado colorado yeah interesting my grandfather from mississippi called it colorado colorado is awesome yeah it's awesome he put some stink on it.

1:13:22An old prospect. Yeah. Colorado. Colorado. Colorado would it do? You know what I mean? For some reason. I don't know. I get it. Colorado. These people. I didn't even notice that. I guess just because they're from Colorado. I go, you guys are nuts. That's how Soder says it too, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we allegedly don't have an accent. We have the High Plains accent, which is why all the call setters were in Nebraska and Kansas. But like, I don't know. I've never noticed it. I don't know when people say Colorado. Colorado. Yeah. They put some stink in the middle. Shit.

1:13:51Shane Gillis:Yeah, I didn't realize the extent, like, between the cities. I didn't know Colorado was, like, a wasteland. Dude, empty. Like, for real. Everyone who lives there is like, it's a fucking, like, wasteland. Bro, between, like, Denver and Boulder and Fort Collins, like, those are all the population centers and then the sprawl. But then, man, like, an hour from Denver where I grew up was, like, 800 people, didn't have a stoplight. Yeah, very boonies. What do you know about Pike's Peak? I know a lot. Zebulon Pike founded it. when you wake up at my parents' house, you can look out and see Pikes Peak every morning.

1:14:20Yeah, yeah.

1:14:21Shane Gillis:Dang. We did, in fifth grade, we had to do a report on mountains, and I got Pikes Peak. It's a sick peak, yeah. Since I was a young man, I've always had a deep affinity for Pikes Peak. He was an explorer. Yeah, I just got into it. He had a raconteur. The silver boom right there. Mm-hmm. Who was the general who went and just massacred all the Indians? Kit Carson? Yeah, I think so. He was like a priest. Yeah, the Poudre Valley Massacre. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Nasty stuff. It's Poudre, so it made it tough to take serious. Did you ever get into his speech that he gave to like rouse the people to do it? Oh, yeah.

1:14:51Shane Gillis:It was only women. It was squalls and children. They don't even have any braves. I think you said knits make lice. Oh, yeah. 100%. He went and murdered all the women and children. He was down here. He was down in Texas. Was he really? Wasn't he a Texas rancher? Oh, yeah. I think he did. He got the Comanche first. Yeah. He set up shop in southeastern Colorado, and they have one of those kind of like Williamsburg where it's like an old fort. It's old Ben's fort, and you can walk in there, and there's like a trapper and like a squaw and like they tell you stories and lead you around. It's awesome.

1:15:18I lived down there when my wife did like after residency and it was brutal but I went to Old Ben's Fort stoned to the bone constantly and like new people there. That's awesome. I'm glad you discovered that. I've been there. You have been there? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love Old Ben's Fort. I've been in Colorado a bunch of times myself. I saw the picture of you. Yeah. I think it was crazy you wore the headdress in it but still. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. All right, that's a good ep.

1:15:44Shane Gillis:Let's go. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.