Ep 637 - Throat Wrecker (feat. Jeremiah Watkins)

18:52Shane Gillis:and her last name's what her name of amy smart got kidnapped she got kidnapped by who was a tough one right out of her room what guy cut through the window came in the middle of the night her daughter the other daughter was sleeping next to her and he was like you fucking scream i'll fucking kill you how old was she the how old 14 jeez louise tough tough story yeah but uh uh in that in the middle of a hitler mustache guy is talking about it you go what the fuck there's a suspect yeah true and then the best though is her uncle one of her uncles they're all mormons it was in salt lake and then one of the uncles just gave an unhinged fucking interview he's like this is a blessing this you know whoever did it he's probably an amazing guy he's just having a tough time and uh we're uh everyone was like well that guy did it clearly that guy did he do he didn't do it who did who done it uh some freak who thought he was a god a messenger from god he was like i need a bride him and his wife captured this girl took her out to a tent in the mountains for like a year jeez disgusting yeah bad stuff yeah anyway how long got a hitler mustache in that doc and the uncle gave the funniest interview i've ever seen he tried to find the brightest bright side he said he hasn't slept in five days it was five days after it happened he was like I was losing my mind I sat down and did an interview and he was like the guy who ever did it is probably cool and uh dude it's you yeah it's obviously you and the rest of his family was like shut the fuck up dude and then he's doing interviews where he's like you know not all of us get along we're family I don't really like my brothers that much I'm like dude shut the fuck up that's crazy yeah it was great I haven't watched a good Netflix yeah that's good they got the fucking guy jail I guess the guy's in jail forever yeah babe released what yeah the guy's wife who was 100 % in on it they love giving women fucking zero she's out really she's out chilling right now she's probably having a tough time she's probably a great guy whoever did it yeah they're just a little screwed up anyway Have you seen any good docs lately?

21:13I'm trying to think. Not off the top. I saw that. There was a little bit ago. It was like the John Candy doc. Yeah, it was good. Yeah, it was good. It was pretty wonderful. Yeah. Yeah. You catch that John Candy? It's nice.

21:26Shane Gillis:I haven't seen that. I told you. The only thing I saw, it wasn't even a doc. It was just a YouTube discussion on cuckoldry. That was the last long-form thing I saw. What were your final thoughts? Oh, yeah, the guy who was there. Talking about the rats. Yeah. Yeah. They're basically saying in the animal. Hey, I put out a front-facing video about it. Okay, it's not technically a documentary, but. Yeah, it was just a long conversation. Right, right. Long form. Long form, it's good. I like long form conversations. Yeah. Yeah, it was. There's scientists out there. There's scientists out there that specialize in animal cuckoldry.

22:02Shane Gillis:And they put rats, they're pair-bonded animals, in tanks. And they'll take the rat wife and put it in the tank of a boy rat. and make him watch the other rats fuck his wife. The male rat has to watch his rat wife get just plowed by this horny stranger rat. And they drop the woman back in the tank and the male rat is just like ravenous over her. So same with birds, same thing. The bird even suspects cheating. It's all I'm going to get back. Whoa. Yeah, so it's pretty weird. You sent me a link? Yeah.

22:36Shane Gillis:Yes, I don't feel bad. So it's fine. yeah all right happens to rats okay could happen to anybody yeah it is i'll say this though i feel like the ultimate victory if you do get cuckolded is just to go full moral high ground and be like it's my this is my child because you can't if you it's a moment you're like what the fuck you've lost you got to be like yeah fine weird you did that but this is my child and we're in a family then you just slowly psychologically torture the woman for the rest of her life that's what i would do yeah you would stay in it you'd stay yeah dude the more you'd have the upper moral hand you just go like i really fucked up you did that uh so you can take him to soccer practice take this bastard the soccer practice this son of a whore to the soccer practice please but would you treat the kid really well so run of oh man but then as soon as he's out of the room i treat him better than my other kids oh put him on a pedestal i put him on a way up on a pedestal yeah yeah you could torture your kids with it exactly because i'd be like why didn't you tell me mommy fucking left you should have known.

23:36You could have complete domination over your entire family.

23:40Shane Gillis:And then I would just hand that kid all of my business, but then the final thing before I died, it would be like a complete empty thing. All my money would be somewhere else and I would leave him marooned. Then I would die. So that's my plan. So the rats do? Well, I don't know. You gotta have a game plan. I want to see this spinoff of Succession immediately. I feel like everyone should have a cuckoldry game plan because it can happen. dude it'd be so easy a woman can cuckold you so easily i want you to go into schools across the country and it's like rats in cages instead of like earthquake like tests and like like school shooter like drills put a rat in another tank like see see it's literally any of us nature so what happened to not me uh has not happened to me i was saying it is funny because the in the conversation the guy who's like hosting it is you can tell he's really grappling with like how it affects human beings and the fact that it's like probable to guess that this turns humans on the whole time he's like it's like a foreign accent he's like i would if someone did that to my girlfriend it would not turn me on at all i don't have one but i get furious thinking about what would happen if that did happen and it's like bro relax yeah it is fun clearly turns you on yeah you're clearly it pulls out of the video he's rock hard

25:07Shane Gillis:yeah i'd be i'd be sad more than anything i don't think i'd be turned on at all i'd be heartbroken certainly for real i'd be too hard

25:16Shane Gillis:the theory of all this is like oh dude i would hold it over some guys do report that they're so angry in the moment of betrayal but they they're like i'm undeniably turned on by this which adds i think like a really tragic dimension so yeah if that's how you find out that that's your thing yeah the hard way yeah yeah you gotta go to couples counseling and be like yeah it was just fucking hard as hell i'm really mad at her but it's undeniably turned on it pisses me off so yeah so yeah you're crazy i'm i'm crazy wild man Crazy. I'm just, look, guys, I'm just trying to think of topics. You guys asked me when I watched.

25:56Shane Gillis:That's the last thing long format. We didn't ask. Did I just mention it? We didn't ask. I was trying to talk about Hitler mustache and the kidnapping, and you're like, I saw a cuckold thing. Let's go back. Let's go back to Hitler mustache. No, we asked Jeremiah, and I felt like I should share as well. So what else? What's new and shaking? Hello. Yeah, I've done a couple times with him now. I do an AI, Harlan Williams. I do some AI impressions. I do AI. Mark Norman and Harland and some different people. And Harland's a very fun one to do. I do Mark. What's up? Can you do Mark? Hey, hey. Comedy.

26:33That's pretty good. Perfect. That's it. Just sitting here with a couple homos.

26:41Hell yeah.

26:42Shane Gillis:But that's AI. Yeah, so it's AI. So it doesn't look perfect. So you can ask him questions. You can ask him questions. How come we can't use saltwater in data centers? There you go. Yeah, because of the kid fucking. That's exactly right. That's actually probably the correct answer. It's almost scary how advanced that AI is. Yeah, that AI just nailed that. It really is. Really doing it, Fatty? That's great. Thank you. Now you have to do it the whole time. Ah.

27:22Shane Gillis:do you ever when you go to do an impression do you ever feel like you don't have like the impression sauce of that moment oh yeah it's the worst yeah when someone says do that impression oh yeah fuck i can't no no some some some come right away because they're naturally in your register uh that you get right away like i i don't know how long it took you to get like your trump down but like sometimes it just like some of them you're easy it's easier to fall into than others yeah yeah but i'm doing like irish or australian or british or anything i can only do one at a time like whichever one i can do like that year i can't switch i don't know what happens and then i'll get your irish for that calendar year yeah i can do an irish accent and then it's like i can do an australian then i can't all the snl sketch writers are like so what accent are you this season also yeah it's irish this it's hard to switch back and forth between especially like irish and australian because it's like you're like wait how do i say that again oh i mean yeah what would like what would be a sentence that you would try to to do like to go australian i'm gonna hit beauty you go beauty oh she's beat yeah there are words that get yeah get into it yeah yeah dude how about how do you feel about the australian lady who shit her pants at the high rocks competition oh the you see that what what was she doing she was doing a high rocks it's like a fitness company yeah yeah i saw that massive dump yeah dude i mean yeah and then she kept going she was in china too by the way i mean oh they probably had no problem zero issue yeah well i i think it was my theory it was uh their shame culture so like strong there i think it's just unthinkable to like stop a race in front of people and be like you shit yourself get out i think they don't they dump outside isn't that a bit of an issue it could be yeah Chinese immigrants taking dumps outside?

29:13Yeah, I thought it would be the opposite in China. Allegedly.

29:15Shane Gillis:I thought it was any of you guys taking dumps outside, allegedly. I think that. No, I heard any of you guys on the beach. I've heard that. I don't know if that's true. They're cats. Yeah. I heard that. They see sand.

29:28Shane Gillis:Although taking a dump on the beach would be nice. But if you took a dump on the beach, would you like kick your feet back? I have to. You have to. You've got to take a whole lay on your butt. Litter back. Lay flat. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Conceal the hole. Lay flat. Take out a book. I would have my kids bury my legs and then I would shit in the sand. And stand straight up. Good fake sandals. And I'd build a castle over it. Yeah, that's a nice thing. That way when a kid comes by to kick your sand castle, you go, bags on you, dickhead. I shit at the beach. Let me bury your legs actually in this hole.

30:05Shane Gillis:You just bury them with a turd. Let's find out who's dumping outside. Yeah, who is dumping outside? I think San Francisco is running into a Chinese dump outdoor problem. Could be wrong. I feel like there's a lot of suspects in San Francisco. San Francisco's homeless dumps as well, without a doubt. They got security footage. Oh, really? AI. They're covering that whole area. Yeah. This guy's wearing khakis. My guess, I didn't find it yet, but my guess would be the Chinese. Because I know that in China, like Hong Kong, they're having problems with mainland China people coming to the cities. Dumping out.

30:36And dumping all over the place. That's what it tells all this time. That would be enough to keep me independent if I was Taiwan. We can't lose this island, dude. They just come over here and shit. They're going to dump.

30:47Shane Gillis:Isn't that China as a whole, though? It's the coastal elites, and it's like Chinese hillbillies in the middle. Yeah. It's like the outback. They have, like, signs up, like... I've heard about Japan, too. They, like, got to tell them not to eat the pigeons and not poop in the street and stuff. Like, the Asian hillbillies will come to the big cities and... Grub the pigeons. Grub the pigeons and poop. Well, grub the Pidgeotos. Yeah. They captured them. Let's get to the bottom of the street dump. True. Let's make sure we're dealing in truth. Yeah, we need to fact check this podcast. Google Gemini is saying, according to UNICEF and the World Health Organization.

31:23Shane Gillis:It's like a funny body to go through. That India, South Asia, and Sub-Saharan Africa are the most likely to. Most likely to dump outside. Because I know, yeah, that documentary. there's a couple documentaries about africa where they go we can't even use the beach what it's covered in dumps dude oh china could be fudging the numbers though true i uh that's true they're probably fudging the unicef street crap numbers when i took a road trip from kansas to california before i'd moved uh out there i went with a group of buddies and we didn't look at the signage at one of the beaches very well and we were we thought that it was like heavy salt water in the ocean.

32:06Like when we were out there, we were like gagging a lot and stuff. And we're like... And then we get out of the water and there's signage that said it was like toxic water. There's like spill off like from Coronado. Oh, I've heard about that. It was like a poop beach that we were like...

32:20Shane Gillis:You were at a pooed beach. A pooed beach.

32:26It's always the guys. It's never the women at the pooed beach. It's never the poo you want to see. I should have known right away. There's no women there.

32:34Shane Gillis:I've heard that about Coronado. Dude, it was brutal. I was talking to some Navy SEALs, and they got to do their training there, and they're saying there's a shit pipe from Mexico that runs right up into Coronado. So you're in there doing training, and you're like, there's this fucking turd. Stomp from the south border. We got to build a wall there. Bro. Seawall. That's one everybody can agree with. Can we agree on that one? I just saw that right before y 'all got to it, and their catchphrase that they're yelling, there's an activist group that yells, stop the poop. That's their whole thing is stop the poop.

33:08Shane Gillis:I mean, San Diego is beautiful. Did not be able to get in the water. We need a catchphrase. We need something direct. Stop the poop. I mean, I'd much rather deal with a jellyfish than like a corn pocked turd.

33:24A Mexican jellyfish. A Mexican jellyfish, you have to crap on it instead of pee on it to get the sting off your body. that would be upsetting for sure san diego just be set upon all sides yeah go in there you're like this is like the perfect city yep and crackhead bomb chases you poop water yeah

33:46Shane Gillis:otherwise perfect city i dude it's i i couldn't agree more every time i go there it's too like i'm i always stay in the gas lamp which is like their party area you get out of like doing a show and you're like this is fun this is like hell just like drunk women in dresses like up to their tits just like falling over. You're like, God, this is like sad. I saw a lady they had to bring out a wheelchair for her. She was so drunk and she's just in a wheelchair in like a short, like, you know, club, super short dress and it was just wide open. She was just like sitting there. I was like, Jesus Christ.

34:16Shane Gillis:God damn it. Yeah. Try to help her, but I offered a wheeler. I'll take her from here, fellas. I'll wheel her to the hospital. I'll take her home. Yeah. No, it's sad. Every time in San Diego, I've heard it's like the perfect place. And I'm always like, I don't know, man. Well, that downtown area is a nightmare. But yeah, you have to go to the beaches and just like get out of like that main party area. Then it's good. That's what I've heard. But then, dude, like I've walked to like Balboa's, that one park. Yeah, that's a nice park. I walked up to Balboa. I saw two bleeding homeless guys. Bleeding?

34:50Shane Gillis:Bleeding. Both of them had like bleeding wounds. They came towards me. I was like, oh, my God. Yeah. Bleeding homeless is crazy. Bleeding homeless is tough. Bleeding homeless is tough. I can have it now. It was like, you know, one or two, fine. It was like a dozen homeless guys. Yeah, it was a, yeah. What is a group of bums called? That's what I said. There's got to be another one. There's got to be a term for a group of bums. A murder. Murder of bums. A rascal? Well, they used to gather. They used to call it a convention when they'd all gather up back in like the old hobo. Could call it a convention of bums.

35:25Shane Gillis:Yeah, it was the old glory days. They would call it a convention. Tent? Tent? Tent of bums would be nice. Yeah, you'd have to, if you had a farm, you'd have to wake up in the morning, shake them out of your hay bales, call the police, the constable would come, lock them up for vagrancy. There's no true term, but the only slang term that comes up is a hobo jungle. Hobo jungle. Hobo jungle. Everything else is encampment, Temp City, shit like that. Sounds kind of hobosexual to me. Hobosexual. Yeah, the old glory days of hobos are over. They were cool for a while. Oh, like, yeah, hopping on the back of trains and different things like that.

36:01The handkerchiefs, the bindles, like with the sticks and the different things like that. A can of beans, bindle. Good stuff. Do you remember the – did you see Dennis the Menace? That's what I said. Dude, beans. The can of beans. Him force-feeding Christopher Lloyd. So much beans.

36:19Shane Gillis:Every time I see someone slice an apple and eat the slice, I think of the bum from Dennis the Menace. Yes. He does that. It's such – yeah, it's seared up. The bum from Dennis the Menace was, yeah. That's an underrated character. Christopher Lloyd in that is so good. Yeah, he killed it. I still think about him. His belly, just the shots are so gross. And what was the problem? The bum came to, like, terrorize the city? I don't even remember the plot. Yeah, there was just one bum. Back in the day, they used to be like, holy fuck, there's a homeless guy. There's one. Now it's like. Now there's two bums bleeding just walking towards the McCusker in a park.

36:53He's like, oh, that's my Friday.

36:55Shane Gillis:I think about it a lot. No one knows what to do with those guys. You build them houses, then they OD inside, so it's like, all right, let's get back outside. That happens. It's a big thing. Yeah, of course. So you got to get them back outside. Maybe a greenhouse. Yeah. They start growing out of the ground. Terrarium. Yeah, true. You know, temperature controlled, obviously, but... Here we go. Oh, yeah. This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew, the number one brand for better sex. Blue Chew just dropped something crazy. Blue Chew Gold. Oh, yeah. For years, Blue Chew has made it easy for over 5 million men to get hard.

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38:10Shane Gillis:The third month free with promo code Drenched. You will also receive an additional 10 % off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. this ad and the products being advertised are intended for a united states audience you know what's nice about that three months is it's football season oh my goodness and what a better way to reward your partner with you know hey i'm gonna be watching tv i'm gonna be watching football all day she or he gets a little grumpy with you for sure and you go watch this i'm gonna knock that attitude right out of you bro blue chew gold think about that the real hit her with the real deal or him hit her with a hammer or him or him for sure here we go guys oh please this weekend please come please pretty please real oak michigan that one's looking good good on you michigan milwaukee wisconsin at the riverside theater i got a show this it's this saturday guys i don't know how ticket sales are deal yeah for real guy milwaukee come on i've been telling the country you guys have the best steakhouse in america and you show me nothing but hatred uh charlotte north carolina then i'll be in jacksonville florida atlanta chattanooga fort lauderdale fort lauderdale tampa orlando newark new jersey guys don't embarrass me there it's a 3000 seater you're not humiliating really bugging out about that baltimore maryland columbus ohio cincinnati san diego sacramento oh yeah let's get in here stand in front of the camera stand stand in front of it yeah true in front of it that's the side of it get in front

39:50Hey, everyone. It's me, LaMare. And, yeah, please come see me on October 8th in Indianapolis for Let's Fest and October 10th in Marion, Illinois for another festival at Yummies. And then at the Creaking Cave, I'll knock this the first day Tuesday. And also, you know, at the end of the month, I'll be in Jacksonville at River City Comedy. Come check that out, too. And Orlando. I couldn't hear you.

40:14Shane Gillis:Yeah. You did it too fast. It's all right. No, it's good.

40:22Shane Gillis:but yeah no one knows what to do but you live in california way right yeah whereabouts roughly you don't have to give your uh like mid-city gotcha yeah yeah it's like between like it's like a little bit west of like koreatown and like just south of uh hollywood nice yeah so it's like 15 minutes uh in that area they're they're pretty chill they're not like it's not like super active they kind of keep to themselves. It's more the Hollywood bums that like, those are the people who like, they were trying to make it or they were there for a specific reason and now they've just like gone off their rocker.

40:58But like, if you're out of the Hollywood area, then it's a little bit more normal. Chill bums. Yeah, more chill. Like, you know, just trying to get by kind of a thing. Not like, can I do five minutes on your show? Yeah.

41:13Shane Gillis:I like a good humble bum. Right. I also like when they tell jokes or have like some sort of craft. I always respect that oh yeah yeah like if they have a funny like cardboard funny cardboard is like I'll yeah funny cardboard's good paint yourself silver, stay on a box, pretend to be a robot perfect, great bum a good reveal sign like give me a dollar and then it folds down and I won't have sex with your wife and you're like huh okay here you go I saw a guy in San Francisco one time he carved a giant mouth out of like a cardboard box he sat in and he would go give me money and he would just yell horrible you had to feed him dollars I was like, I would have sat there all day and just shoved money into the fucking box.

41:52There's a Tiger Woods golf bomb next to the cellar. Really? Comedy cellar. You guys ever see him? He's great. He has little cardboard boxes. He dresses like a golfer, and you hit the golf ball across the street. Bro. Guy's awesome. That guy actually might be his name. Yeah, his Tiger Hood. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's awesome. That's a good hustle. I like a good hustle. He might have a house by now. He's been that hustle. True. Good hustle. Paid up. You think he's committed to the part and has gotten multiple DUIs and stuff too? Yeah. You think he goes full Tiger? Probably. I think he flips his car occasionally, calls the president.

42:25I'm sure he's gotten pulled over and be like, I'm calling the president. No, you're not.

42:30Shane Gillis:I want the Tiger comeback so bad. He's done it before. We all do. Yeah. Everyone's rooting for that guy. I hope he knows it. Everyone wants to see Tiger dominate. Everyone loves Tiger. How's Romo doing after the DUI? Recent DUI? Yeah, he got DUI before the season. I think they fired him. Didn't he fall off his motorcycle, too, or something? I'm thinking of Rothless. I'm thinking of Rothless, man. Romo got the DUI. Romo called Dewey. Yeah. Really? Smiling. Great DUI shot. What was his BAC? I'm going to love it. The whole time. Sorry. Don't wait on me. I'm trying. I'm sorry. I was trying to look up.

43:10Got some of the best producers. Don't wait on me. You ask me a question. I know. They just answer themselves. They don't look anything up. No Romo. No Romo. So far, he's just been hit with some fines. Yeah, he's not working.

43:26Shane Gillis:Wait, they kicked him off the team because he got a DUI? He's an announcer. What? Oh, yeah. I was going to say, he's an old dog. He's a great announcer. You kind of want your announcers getting a little deep. You want the announcers a little sauced up. Yeah. Adds to the game. Yeah. 0.15. almost double the legal limit what if this should have been driving but come on man 0.15 yeah if he was in dallas that would have never happened yeah where do you get pulled over wisconsin wisconsin you'd think that would never happen yeah wisconsin they'd be like 0.15 you're fucking sober brother god damn yeah um yeah that's unfortunate so is he just suspended he better get back on the desk.

44:08Shane Gillis:He'll get back. He might have yeah. Can't drive for six months. No problem. Then he's going to have to blow. Oh, he's going to get the thing? Breathalyzer and the whip? For one DUI? Is that his first?

44:23Wait. What happened? He admitted to over-reliance on alcohol. He pleaded no contest, but he admitted to being over-reliant.

44:30Shane Gillis:So he can get the treatment plan, basically? Yeah. Oh, getting the blow thing in your car. that thing stinks you got to keep blowing in it too because you usually get stopped i used to work with a guy who'd always be late it was because he would get his wife to blow in it for him and then he would try driving it it would just stop and he'd get oh i'm i'm actually stuck at wawa i got it i'm like bro you're drunk see you see you at 10 o 'clock i had somebody uh recently at a weekend of shows that i did that was taking me to morning press to do radio to promote the shows and we're having a conversation just like this and then all of a sudden i hear this really weird noise he goes excuse me and then tries to resume the conversation with me with the state of missouri or where was it what's the state i'm trying to remember what there's some good there's some good club owners and guys that'll drive you dude and he he tried to resume it like it was like nothing he's like so you were saying i just started dying laughing i go bro really like that's kind of hilarious that you tried to just roll with that like seamlessly like it was so loud and like he was like turning red he was blowing like while he's still driving and like looking at me and like dude he's gotta he's gotta be like brother's car piece of dude i had a one of my uh guy news older brother caught one and his car was his mom's van they had to install it in his mom's van so now she can't drink and drive which is bullshit she's not loud yeah that's fucking nonsense and then you have it on there for a while so i know the first one's like a slap on the wrist second one's i think weekends third is definitely jail time weekends weekends you get to see your car every other weekend dude we used to me and blizz love the there was a kid we knew that did comedy who had weekend jail yep had to get dropped off what yeah we're just we're just laughing about the the guys inside being like oh he's coming yeah like a guy like oh what's up boy it's the weekend trying to run the fade right now like oh fuck it's just a guy waiting inside you go fuck it's friday i gotta go fight this delaware county has the dui hut it's like you it's the weekenders all all the dui guys go probably a hoot in there it's probably awesome it's probably great fire up the sweets the peanut butter crackers yeah

47:01if you are like three plus in certain places you could potentially get a lifetime requirement of having a thing on your car yeah i think it all depends on the bac yeah true true on the extent

47:17Shane Gillis:of it yeah they're not playing about that lifetime blow car is so funny

47:25i understand i understand the strictness that's so fucking lame three is crazy drinking and driving is lame as fuck dude yeah my dad had uh one on his car for a while and he'd have to blow into it and uh he would hum the national anthem into it while he did it because he didn't want come off as gay blowing into it. See, you could be a legend in the pub, dude. What a fucking beast. You come from a long line of legends. You could be a legend in the pub. He's like, ooh.

48:00Shane Gillis:They should have gave him the fleshlight attachment. True. This is fucking blow through a puss. Blow through the puss is actually... Blow through the butthole? I'd whistle through the butthole. now you're on something you just spread the cheese I put a butthole and I put my truck balls hanging off I ain't blowing into no trans breathalyzer yeah it does suck getting an older guy and having to fucking mouth a piece is tough especially you ever see that old there's that famous news interview they're interviewing locals because they just passed the DUI laws and guys are in their trucks like what the fuck not allowed to drink and drive like i'm not allowed to have a six-pack on the way home from work in my truck what the fuck they're like drinking in their cars while they're getting interviewed like this is some bullshit dude fuck this country it was a thing man you could have yeah you could have a six-pack of miller light and just that was like your lunch there's dudes used to rock like that back when this used to be a proper country free country yeah i remember there was a plumber i never worked with him but he always had a little One of those little old school handle coolers, and it was just six beers.

49:14It's the only way to get work done.

49:15Shane Gillis:True. Literally. Now the honkies, now nobody's actually working, so we're like, drinking and driving's bad. Now the lads, now we're putting that on the lads. Yep. That's the only way to get through a day of plumbing. You go, I have a six-pack. Yep. It's lunchtime. I'll feed the lads up every now and again. Got it. If they're working in the house, you go, yeah, boys, I got some Friday. Go, hit them with some. The lads do not. The lads do not turn out a cold one after the job. You offer the lads a cold one after their shift, they're taking it. Gave them like trullies one time, they're like, yeah, whatever.

49:47Shane Gillis:Give me that.

49:53Shane Gillis:Dude, the lads, every time I had to stop, I'm like, dude, is there anyone better? Lads fucking rule so hard. They're up there. They are. They fucking rule. I'm trying to think. Pollocks. Pollocks are nice. I like some Eastern Europeans. They're very funny. Yeah. Pani. You know that's sir in Polish. Pani. No. Say pani. That's like the respect term. Pani. You ever see a Polish guy? Pani, please. Really? Pani. Yeah, it's like Polish high society. How do you spot a Polish guy? Blockhead. Yeah. Big blockhead. Lego head. Big fat dick. Big thick dick. Yeah. Excuse me, sir. Could I see your dick real quick?

50:33Shane Gillis:Yeah, it's a big blockhead usually. So, Pani. You're hitting with Pani. Pani, please. I'm going to save that. I'm going to hit blues with that. Hit him with Pawnee. What's up, Pawnee? It's their version of Poppy, kind of. Pawnee. For real. I believe you. We believe you. I just learned this last night. I was so excited. You learned it last night? Yeah. How? I'm reading the Russian classics. Oh, nice. They encounter a couple Poles, and they keep being like, Pawnee. And they're trying to be boys with Polish people, and they have two drinks, and they're like, to Russia, the greatest empire. And the Poles won't drink, and they're like, you fucking bastards.

51:08Shane Gillis:We drank to Poland. and Pani, please drink to Mother Russia. They say, we'll drink to Russia pre-1700s when it was still great. And they go, Pani, disrespect us. Pani. Before they freed the serfs. That was crazy. You just have a property. You just have fucking 500 serfs on your property. They were kind of slaves. Serfed them? Yeah. Yeah. They were essentially slaves. Yes. So. Yeah, I got that going. Yeah, I was watching some lady today give a speech about how capitalism... ruined everything because it's like up until up until capitalism we had all this it's like there's a lot of stuff before capitalism yeah and it sucked ass this is pretty bad dumb bitch so that got me fired up this morning yeah i wonder what their case is like what do you well they go back to like almost like mythological mythological hunter gathering yeah like where The women did all the cooking.

52:04And you're like, okay. Go back there. See what happens. You're going to cut your fucking head off.

52:11Shane Gillis:It's also like then every civilization somehow stopped that. You know what I mean? It's around the world. I've been watching a lot of Kevin Samuels recently, so I can't. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Matt, what were you finally able to save for thanks to Rocket Money, the automatic savings, vacation, bowl. Can I tell you something? I had a surprise charge story. Really? Crazy surprise charge. Oh, those lying cam girls? No, actually. It's funny enough. It had nothing to do with that. I was going through my, which one we call it? I have a joint credit card with my wife, and we're going over the monthly charges, and it was like a shock.

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54:05Shane Gillis:Availability, speed, and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com. I just watched him Kevin Sam this morning. Really? What's he going on about? I was watching him. I was listening to him battle a lady with a psychology degree. It was, dude, it's the funniest thing in the world. You know who Kevin Samuels is? No. Dude, you remember the black guy who wore a suit and tie, and he would do Zooms where women could call in. He'd be like, man, you're fat as hell. Yeah, they would complain. It's women complaining about men. And then he would just be like, look at you. You're a fucking ugly bitch. Fuck you, fat bitch.

54:33You should be lucky somebody's trying to fuck you. Next caller. It was great. The guy had a good thing going.

54:40Shane Gillis:He was good, but he died from a cocaine overdose. Legend. Yeah. Legend in the pub. Yeah, dude, you fire up some old school Kevin Samuels. He was good at whatever he was doing. He would wear a suit and tie, and he sat in the studio. It was like a dim red light. and he would just let ladies call in and try to like argue with him. He's like, this is the shit I'm talking about, man. Disrespectful, ignorant ass. Shut the hell up, bitch. Excellent. He would crush them in debate. He would always crush them. Okay, add the link to the list. Check out Kevin Samuels. Rap fucking and Kevin Samuels. Okay. Yeah.

55:12And then the Russian classics. Right. Now you're entering the world. True. Heck yeah.

55:18Shane Gillis:I was a bit ashamed. It was like 7.30 and I was like scrolling for YouTube, like listening to it on the way home and I'm like, it's too early for kevin samuels it's never too early first a psychology degree that's fired a 32 year old lady with psychology degree i can grow an ass acting like a petulant child

55:35it's awesome yeah it was great what how did the psychology degree lady do she was trying to pin

55:40Shane Gillis:him on you're always you have it out for black women he goes i'm his the seminar he was giving was why are women angry he goes i didn't even mention black women she's give your pictures a black woman he goes lady do your research i'm a black man so when i buy thumbnails i'm going to just represent myself by my own race every other youtuber does it and she was like well and he's like well what and it started destroying her it was pretty funny yeah it was whatever actually kind of let me down a little bit really i thought there's gonna be a little more back and forth and he was just like shut the fuck up you're not going to talk over me so yeah watch that it's pretty good well it was pretty tame samuels honestly but can't always be top of his game like that true i mean he was good his research was solid that is true he goes i'm not you know if i'm a black guy i'm going to use black people in my art that i licensed for the show do you think you could do that you think you could debate like like furiously with somebody or do you think you'd fold under pressure i can debate pretty fierce yeah yeah yes they've all witnessed true he's a bit of a master at it you know what would your 1v20 be like you're at the table oh you're right right geez i never even thought about it what would yours be i i don't have one oh okay i could fight 20 ais are you a 20 i would do i could do women i could do 20 black women yeah i think i could just with your experience?

57:07Shane Gillis:Yeah, I think I could. I really think I could. I would need like a corner guy, though. I would need like on camera. That would be tough. Off camera. We're allowed to say whatever we want. I would need people squirting water in my mouth. On camera, no chance. Yeah. On camera, you'd have to be like, yes, I'm sorry. Yeah, you need an earpiece and you need a van outside of the location. Like, okay, Matt, stay calm. They've got you right where they want you. That would be tough. That would be tough. I'd have to wear my suit. I'd have to tap into my Kevin Samuels for sure. I would just do research. Whatever they said, I would just pull up the appropriate Kevin Samuels clip, play it, and sit there and go.

57:44You're not allowed to say what Kevin Samuels said.

57:45Shane Gillis:I would play his clips. I would say, all right, from my ear, I heard what you're saying. Bang. I'd be like, all right. Kevin Samuels. So you'd go on a bit of a Stephen Hawking. Press a button, Samuels clip. I would play it in the Hawking's voice, too. Yeah. You bitches be tripping constantly, and you expect. Ain't no grown-ass man want to deal with that bullshit. Bitch, you're 240 pounds. Shut the fuck up. I like how you're Stephen Hawking his sling blade. I live in here. I live in here. I think I'm a dog around. Can you do a Hawkins? Can I do? Not one of my strongest. I shouldn't be making. Yeah.

58:27Shane Gillis:No, I heard a guy. He's incredible. Yeah, I saw a guy do one recently on Instagram. It was unbelievable. Who showed me that? Drew Dunn has really... Drew Dunn's. Drew Dunn's is great. And then I saw the guy on Instagram. He's a young boy. He's like a British guy. Yeah. Yeah, he's very good. That was crazy. Yeah. I guess they say the trick on that one. I haven't tried it, but it's like an inhale voice. Yeah. It's like a... Yeah. True. Don't... Yeah, don't... Don't mess up the brain. Don't risk it. I have bad hogs. I know. No, my hog... I mean, yeah. If I go too hard on the throat, then it just turns...

58:59False. False. False. False. False. False. Hey, yo. Hey, yo. Have you been going hard on your throat in LA? Have you ever gone too hard on your throat and not been able to do your impressions? Yes, right? Yeah. I have. All right, Shane? Yes. Because then it just devolves into anything that wrecks your throat turns into... When's the last time your throat got wrecked? for real honestly honestly yeah uh i was doing an rfk junior impression for too long yeah and then it just you know dude i'm just going too hard on your throat it tears it apart because it starts to sound like you just have a pubic hair stuck in the back of your throat you're just trying to get out at all times it's a real issue that's impressive i had to yeah every every Every once in a while, my throat will get fucking wrecked when I'm on the road.

1:00:05And towards the end of my show, I'm like, oh, fuck. I got to do a Trump impression in this crowd, this entire arena. It's like, dude, I paid for the Trump impression. We don't care if your throat's wrecked. We don't give a fuck about anything. You got to plow through it. Saturday, I did three at the Garden, and the first two were just the best shows. Saturday, I got sick, and I lost my voice. I was on stage like, fuck, the whole show's ruined. Oh. Then mid, I'd start a bit and be like, there's an impression in this. Fuck. There's a fucking impression in every joke.

1:00:35Shane Gillis:How bad was your voice? It was fine, apparently, but I could hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got off stage and was furious and ruined the evening. You were, yeah. I get very upset, yeah. Salty. Sometimes my throat just gets destroyed, you know? Yeah. On the road, your throat can get fucking absolutely pounding. Dude, I've locked my throat for like a month. Yeah. My throat took a pounding. Yeah. I was sipping tea, trying to cool it down. Sipping tea or D? Tea. Oh. After. I did a diet I was on a T Did you sip D And wrecked your throat When did you I never sip D You wrecked your throat For a month I only chugged D Oh you chugged D Yeah chugged D I thought you were Sip D chug D I thought you said sip D So yeah I would go out I would pop cough drops You know mid joke Pop a cough drop in Kind of makes me feel Like a pro I kind of like when my Voice is all fucked up It's like yeah man This is part of the Fucking thing I'm on the road You can hear it I had one Where I was losing it As the weekend was going on.

1:01:29And then by the last show, literally by when I woke up the next morning, completely gone. So like it kept getting like deeper. Yeah.

1:01:41Shane Gillis:Damn. Yeah. How'd you get your voice back? You have to find Prince Eric and marry him?

1:01:50I had when I was opening for Sodor, I got like a horrible fucking illness. Like I was, dude, I was like dripping sweat terrible sore throat like it was i remember plowing through that yeah yeah no name virginia tech played that night it's exciting you can circle the date dude no name at v tech i was down tucson way looking for the soad man the last show i did before uh the the lockdowns and everything uh during the pandemic i was on a show with uh i was actively getting sick and i was like my nose was running on that show and people in the room were like like kind of like should we even be out you know like it was one of those things during covid yeah cough or anything on stage shows ruined and uh i had uh i was headlining this this like one nighter down in like huntington beach and william montgomery i had him on the show with me and he opens with, he goes, I have COVID right now.

1:02:53I have a cough. I'm sick. And literally the room's like, cool, man. It was so fun. All the comics are just dying in the back watching. Discussing anything going on with you never really works. The same thing. I just took a diarrhea before this. You can never mention

1:03:12Shane Gillis:you just took a shit before you came on. I don't like that. They don't like it. I tried talking about the bidet at the mothership recently. even that was like dude come on man you just took a shit something about it destroys the illusion of the confident performer well also yeah i guess so well it humanizes you i think too much yeah because they want a little bit of that mystique of separation it's also crazy to come in like yeah i just took a shit yeah well this will be funny hey guys just clocking in i got nothing what did i do today oh i shit i just go shit i do like the bidet though the bidet is it's a fine invention solid yeah it's nice oh yeah a little too good though really?

1:03:52Shane Gillis:it is which one? the bidet just like that because you turn it on it doesn't go on right away so you wait in suspense and then it you're talking about the mothership one yeah how often you dump it at the mothership? every single time I'm there you're such an asshole what? I have to shit every time I do stand up I have to do shit if I'm popping in to be like a little sad I won't but if I have to do a whole hour I have to shit before I go on yeah I get that it's just that's I'm primed I cannot shit but it's like I need a shit I hit it quick I hit it hard and fast so bidet helps yeah that cuts the wiping time the shitting's mostly wiping do you ever preemptively do it before no I've never done that just to juice the engine don't you know I'm gonna juice the tracks you're on one today I am on one I've been sub-stacking dude you're crazy dude ever since I started sub-stacking it's just like it all feeds everything else statements from this episode alone gums better than brushing your teeth sometimes bad breath comes from the stomach.

1:04:45I blast my shit out. Shit is mostly wiping.

1:04:54I mean, if you're blasting healthy dumps, you're not spending a lot of time on the toilet, especially at the mothership. You've got to get in and get out.

1:05:01Shane Gillis:Yeah. Because there's always, there's just a hot waitress sitting. That. Directly outside the toilet. Yep, exactly. Great. Or you could have a fucking, you could have, I'm still waiting for just an angry rogan on the other end like i gotta go on in two minutes someone's in here shitting so i never want to i get i get annoyed if someone's shitting yeah i'm like i gotta piss i gotta go on soon exactly who the fuck would bring a dump here dude i do all the time who on earth would bring it i understand the emergency dumps yeah and i do it every time almost every time but i i try to be the the emergency dump before show is left i don't do that anymore that's what i have uh the new thing is i've been doing it for a while now is before a show instead of being like nervous my nervousness has turned into just being extremely tired yeah for no reason yeah yeah that is weird it's also a quick burst right before you go on there hopefully yeah yeah i'm usually i'm relying on that entirely and then you go oh shit i don't i don't feel anything yeah i'm walking through an arena blasting fucking money for nothing i'm like What am I doing?

1:06:07Shane Gillis:All right. I'm almost up there. All right. Hey, everybody. Yeah, I feel like I need the first. I like really, it takes me five minutes to really like settle down and like the inner monologue for being like, what are you doing? What the hell is going on here? It takes like five minutes for that to go away. Then I'm in the pocket. Maze, you're always juiced. Give that guy a fucking spot. He's juiced. I'll be juiced. Yeah, I can get juiced. Yeah, you get juiced. You're pumped. Yeah. You're respecting the art form. You respect the art form. You respect the audience who paid their hard work and money to be there.

1:06:38Yeah. You're juiced. Yeah. It's also easier when it's not my show, you know? That definitely helps. True. It's so easy. True.

1:06:47Shane Gillis:Sweetest spot ever is featuring. Oh, yeah. It's the best. Oh, dude. 20? 20 might be the best. It's ideal. Yeah. Yeah. So fun. I'm good for 20 for sure. LaMare and McEuster just did stand up on the spot at Creek in the Cave. That'll be coming out here in a couple weeks. Love that. Love that shit. Yeah, it's a fun one. So fun. Yeah. Had a blast. Sorry for that. You did like one of the first early ones, Shane. I did one here, yeah. Yeah. You did one at, it used to be called The Parish but now it's called, it's a Sunset Strip Club. That's where that that one was filmed at the only qualms i have is people clip it and then think that that's my yep stand up nigga i saw him running his mouth about something we did i was just talking right right we tried yeah we tried to watermark it and and uh but yeah people get clipped yeah so dumb too you can watermark it all you could literally write this is a show where people go that's his shit yeah right yeah but yeah i get uh i've gotten that before like man this guy's really a dick to the guy in the audience i'm like hold on a second hold on it's it's interacting it's voluntary it's all just motion and juice on the web so who cares it's all about motion and juice on the web are you about motion and juice on the web more about motion and juice in my throat oof my oh lord might have to title it throat wrecked there's nothing worse nothing worse than getting your throat absolutely throttled before the show hey what's up this is Steve O And you just got throat wrecked Nate you ever get your throat wrecked I'll be honest My throat was wrecked last week I've just recovered Jesus I thought you were going to say no at least Who wrecked it I was just yapping I was yelling with Lameez What were you guys yelling about We were yelling about UT then we got drunk and just kept yelling You were defending UT's honor I might be a UT guy You needed a team Yeah, and I've been looking for it, and it feels real.

1:08:55And you refuse the Irish. I don't refuse the Irish. I root for you guys. You refuse. I would love to hate the Irish, but if it's not real, it's not real. It would feel good to be like, ha-ha, fuck your team, but I don't feel that way. Hmm. He was a bandwagon Alabama fan, and then now that Alabama's mediocre, he's like, I don't really like him. No, I still root for him when I watch him, too. This is the first college town I've lived in, and, you know, I'm experiencing the city, love the team. You love the team. You love the boys. I love the boys. I'm a big fan of Arch. Your horns up?

1:09:31Shane Gillis:Huh? Your horns up? I'm not going to commit to horns up yet, but I'm starting. Your horns up the butt. I get why you like the logo. You say two in the butt. We were running jokes that Nate is gay. We've been doing it for... Anytime there's nothing to talk about, we go, Nate, you ever fucking suck a guy? You fuck a guy or something?

1:10:01So that's what we do here. That's pretty cool, man. Oh, man.

1:10:05Shane Gillis:It's a good time. Yeah. Well, we've done it again. Yeah, we did. Nobody thought we could. Bro. Thank you, Jeremiah. Thanks for stopping by. Yeah. Do the special. Oh, yeah. I'd love for you guys to check out. It's called Crazy Pizza. Jeremiah Watkins Crazy Pizza. It's on my YouTube. I directed it. I edited it. Love how it came out. And yeah, leave me a comment if, say, it came from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. I don't know if you want that. They're nasty guys. You know, type in throat wrecked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, type in something like about, you know, like the hertz, the frequencies, you know.

1:10:43Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Thanks, bro. Thanks for having me on. And dude, I love having you guys on Stand Up On The Spot. You both have open invites whenever. always a pleasure to riff with y 'all fuck yeah oh yeah yeah

1:10:52Shane Gillis:thanks brother watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify do it