Avoiding Life's Potholes with Karen Salmansohn

0:28We always recommend Shopify. Have you built a life to die for? This episode, we're talking to author Karen Samuelson, who's sold over 2 million books worldwide. She is the guru of gurus. We're going to also talk about or ask the question, do you need a penis to succeed in business? If you're an author or a soon-to-be author or a wannabe author, at the end of this episode, Karen's going to give you an amazing tip. Ladies and gentlemen, I present my good friend, Ms. Karen Samuelson.

1:06Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another exciting episode of Mick Unplugged. And today, I have someone who's been on my bucket list for a long time, so I'm truly honored. She took a career leap from Madison Avenue to the mindfulness arena. With over 2 million books sold and science-backed tools that stick, She's redefined self-help for the modern soul. Join me in saying hello to the witty, the wise, the wonder-focused, my friend, Ms. Karen Samuelson. Hi. It's so great to be here. I've been so excited to talk to you. I love watching you, listening to you, everything you're doing. Karen, I'm truly honored.

1:51You've been someone that I've followed for a while. You have some of the most amazing books that I've read. You're like that mentor that you probably don't know that you are for millions of people. So I genuinely wanted to say thank you for what you've done for the self-help arena, for women having voices. Just truly thank you for the soul that you are, Karen. Thank you. Thank you. It means extra coming from you. Thank you so much. Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. So, Karen, I like to start the show by asking my guests about what their because is, right? Like Simon Sinek did start with why.

2:36And I like you need to start with why, but I think you're fueled by your because. That deeper purpose, that deeper drive. So if I were to say, Karen, what is your because? What is that? because I've been in potholes and I want to make sure other people don't wind up in potholes. I want to make sure that they walk around the potholes, avoid the streets with potholes, heal from potholes, recognize a pothole to be a pothole because sometimes potholes don't look like potholes. So that's my because. I love that so much. And I want to talk about those potholes, Right. So it's one thing to see the pothole.

3:20Another thing to be in the pothole. But Karen, you've come out of them and now now you know what they look like and how to avoid them. But but when did this start for you? Like, let's talk through some of those journeys of of the potholes that you had to get out of. Well, I'll go way back, but I'm on coffee so I can go through it quickly. Let's go way back. But when I was a kid, I was always interested in psychology and humor. My mom used to pick up my dad from the train station, and there was a little magazine shop across the street. And I'd go in, and I'd get one Psychology Today magazine and one NAB magazine, which is a funny magazine.

4:03And I kind of think if you looked at my books, if you took Psychology Today and NAB magazine, put them in a blender, press brape, you'd get my books. So, and the reason why I was interested in both of those, first of all, I always love humor. That's just kind of how my brain works. But I had a family member that I knew who was very unhappy and I was wanting to figure out how to make them happy. And that actually was the reason why I started to really want to understand psychology, what makes people happy and what makes people not happy. Yeah. And so I learned it as a kid for that reason. And then I just stayed intrigued by human behavior because I did have challenges in my own life.

4:50So I always kept going back to psychology. And I used to read so many self-help books and was embarrassed to read them. I used to rip off the covers and read them, you know. and then I wanted to recommend them to friends and I realized that that could come off the wrong way if I said, here, you need to read this. So I felt like there should be like self-help for people that wouldn't be caught dead doing self-help or self-help that you could give to a friend as a gift and they're not gonna punch you because it looks kind of cool and fun to read, you know? And that was how I wound up writing my first best-selling self-help book, although I don't even like the word self-help, How to Be Happy, Damn It.

5:31which had the word damn it in the title, which my agent tried to talk me out of. But I just kept moving forward. I could see it. I could see the whole book from beginning to end. It has stylized graphics. I believe that I love design too. And like a spoonful of eye candy helps the self-help medicine go down. The book looks fun and interesting. Instead of hiding the book, you want to put it on your coffee table. You're proud to be seen reading it. So that's sort of how I formulated my first of a series of books like this, the How to Be Happy, Damn It book, which became a huge bestseller. And is one of my favorite books.

6:13I got to hear you talk about the story of that book a little bit. So I'd love for you to go into that story because I remember you saying you were talking about how to be happy, damn it. But then the damn it just became the focus of everything. Well, I wanted to admit there's a lot of dammit out there. I mean, this book was back in the 1990s that I came up with the idea. And in fact, it's a weird, you know, claim to fame. But I think I'm the first author to put a naughty word in a book title, especially personal development author. You've done it a few times. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But back then, that was part of the reason why my agent thought I was like crazy, like damn it in a self-help book.

6:57But people feel damn it. They feel it. Like, that's how you feel. There's a lot of damn it. So how to be happy, damn it felt very how I felt a lot of times about, you know, nowadays we call it toxic positivity, right? So I don't do that. I do like real talk about it. And and that book came about it was sort of a collection of things because I read from all different areas. I read from psychology, which I've mentioned, but I also love to read Eastern philosophy, Western philosophy, you know, biology, even how the brain works, neuroscience, quantum physics. But what I'm capable of doing is reading the boring, dense stuff and then rewriting it in simple terms with humor.

7:48within in the past stylized graphics although my newest book doesn't have graphics in it it just has the humor merged with the psychology and philosophy I love it I love it you know Karen you have one of my favorite mantras and you actually by by saying this help me overcome something. And you say a lot of times that you need to be your own best friend. Yes. I would love for you to break that mantra down and why that philosophy means so much, not just to you, but why other folks should take that on. Well, I believe for many reasons that the world is like a mirror that the more you love yourself, the more you'll create circumstances that mirror back a loving environment around you.

8:50Because you will do that. A lot of people think of it as more like quantum physics, you know, like law of attraction. But I also see it as psychology, that what you believe you deserve, you create a life like that. And there's a term in psychology called masochistic equilibrium, which is really interesting. And it's based on if you grew up in a home with about 30 % love and 70 % pain, then that becomes your masochistic equilibrium what you think you deserve love wise if you're not careful it's not a definite thing but it's the programming that's gone in and then you will recreate circumstances that match the 30 % love 70 % pain and if you wind up with 90 % love 10 % pain if you're not aware self-aware person and if you're not treating yourself like your own best friend, then you will do things to self-sabotage, to bring the love down, down, down, down, down to your masochistic equilibrium that you were programmed with of 30 % pain, 30 % loss, 70 % pain.

10:09So you have to get out of autopilot, get out of the default and learn how to love yourself, learn how to be your own best friend. So you can recreate. We repeat what we don't repair. And so you have to go in and do the repair and get out. A lot of it's about getting out of autopilot. A lot of us are in autopilot and, you know, taking control of the wheel of your life, you know. No, I totally agree. And for me, why I also needed that of being my own best friend is there a lot of times you count on people that don't show up, right? And they don't not show up on purpose. But someone could be going through a bad time or bad situation when you're also going through something and you need that person, but that person can't help you because they're also going through it.

11:05And so it made me understand that I have to love myself first. I have to I have to be my support system first. And then that can then allow me to be that for other people. You know, my mentor, Les Brown, has this saying of don't be a go to person for people you can't go to. Right. It's really good. Yeah. And I take that saying with your saying and it's like, Mick, love yourself first. And then more importantly, make sure the people that are receiving your energy could also give you energy back. And so I'd love your take on that, too, with just the energies of people and the give and take that.

11:48Yeah. Well, boundaries are actually a symbol of self-worth, self-love, self-care. So it's valuing yourself enough more than people pleasing your way to misery, quite frankly. So but it all starts with self-worth and self-love and owning that for yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Totally amazing. Totally amazing. Let's talk about a couple of other books of yours. Okay. I know the, I'm trying, I don't want to mess up the title. Okay. Yes. You asked a question for businesses a long time ago. Well, you're bringing up that one with another naughty word. Okay. and and essentially the question was do you need to have a penis to lead or run or own a business and I know that wasn't the exact title but it's also one of my favorite books oh thank you so I love to talk through this book because it is for family members for my wife for a lot of my friends And it was a book that helped them say, wait a second, I can be in charge.

13:11I do have. So you gave a voice to the voiceless. And I knew that you knew that when you were writing that book, but I'd love to talk about that. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah. That book was loved by a lot of big, important businesswomen from Madonna, Donna Karan, Geraldine Laybourne, like a lot of big businesswomen. But I'll tell you the story of that book. I started my career in advertising and I rose up pretty quickly. I got a Clio my first year in the business, which is sort of like the Emmys of advertising or whatever. And then I became like a senior VP, creative director in my late 20s. And then I quit my parents' horror to become a novelist.

13:51novelist. My first book that I wrote was actually a novel that I sold to St. Martin's Press and then to Miramax to be a movie star, Marissa Tomei. So I was starting to be asked to give seminars to women's organizations to help women to pursue and snag their passions because that's why I left advertising. I wanted to write books. So I was giving one of my seminars to women, which had a normal title. I don't even remember what the title was because normal can sometimes be not memorable. Right. So and I said my agent called me. This is back in the 90s. And my agent called me and I said, I can't talk.

14:32I have to give and I said it as a joke. I have to give my how to succeed in business without a penis seminar because there's a play and maybe it was a book first, but how to succeed in business without really trying is the name of at least I know it's a musical play, I think. And so she laughed and she said, you must write a business book with women for women with that name. And I thought she was joking, but she stayed on it with me. And then I did. It became a big bestseller. And I went across the world. It sold in different countries. I was shocked because the title was feisty. But it sold in countries you would not think would have a sense of humor about it.

15:11So much so that I went around the world giving seminars from that book. And I joke, but it's true, that I learned how to say penis in about 11 different languages because they all translated the book. And then people have a sense of humor. I started. Can I be a little feisty here? I don't know. Of course. Okay. I used to jokingly refer to them as my seminars, jokingly. And because I'm, you know, I just find humor in things, you know. and one of my underlying premises of the book is a woman doesn't need a penis to succeed just balls and then I even wrote a follow-up book called ballsy because when I look at everything that's happened to me in my life it's happened because I was ballsy and I wrote that book and that book also did very well and it's so funny I was looking at the cover for that book before it went to print and they asked me to get advanced praise for it.

16:08And I was just going to go back to the usual people, the usual suspects. And then I thought, the book is called Ballsy. I'm going to be ballsy and see who I could get to write some blurbs for it that I don't even know. So I reached out to Seth Godin, who I don't know if you know who he is. Yeah. Huge book writer, amazing, brilliant man. And he wrote me back and he met me for coffee at a Starbucks, gave me a blurb, became a friend. And then I reached out to Pete Farazi. Anyway, the book, the title of the book made me want to be more ballsy, which then helped my career further. Because really, a lot of the things that I've gotten in life was not because I was like a 100 % person, given 100 % of it.

16:51It was because I was 150 % person. I would go above and beyond. And that really is something that women have to do. And in fact, that book could work for men too, but it was about a rallying cry for women that, you know, to go out there and ask for what you want. Yeah, so let's go deeper there for a second. For the viewer or listener right now, that's like, yeah, I hear Karen, and I do need to be risky, to be ballsy, to step out, to take that leap of faith. What are some things that they can do in that business, or even if it's in their life, what are some things that they could do now to prepare themselves to take those risks or to be ballsy, as you said?

17:41Well, what I feel like you have to do is stop staring at what could go wrong and stare at what you want, right? So I sort of liken it to if I was walking across a bridge, like, well, make it like Raiders of Lost Ark. I haven't said this analogy in a while, so now I have to refresh my memory of it. And there's all these like alligators beneath me, but there's like a pot of gold at the end of this bridge. If I stare at the alligators that could like, you know, gobble me up if I fell, then I'm most likely going to fall. But if I keep my eye on the prize of the pot of gold, I'm going to get across that bridge.

18:29So that is what I did when I wrote my first book, my novel. I would go to bookstores and my last name is Salmonson. And I would envision my book on the bookshelf. And Salmonson was going to be next to Salinger, J.D. Salinger. And that got me really excited that I had a good neighbor for my novel. I was going to be next to Salinger, Salmonson. And I would do things like that. And I would also stay focused like on books, like when I wrote my bounce back book, which was hard for me to write because sometimes I write books after I fell into a pothole. And that book was about resiliency, about how to stay resilient, how to bounce back.

19:10And it helped me to kind of sometimes writing for me is cathartic and it's therapy. And writing the book then changes me. I try to analyze this from a victim story to a victor story, because now I'm writing the book of how I got through it. And it it means that I have to show up as somebody who got through it. And I can't go back, sneak back to that curled up in a ball place, you know. And it was hard to write because I had to revisit some of what I had gone through. But I kept focusing on people need to read this book. This book is going to help people. And then I would envision on my book tour, people coming up to me and hugging me and thanking me for writing this book.

19:58And it got me to keep writing the book and not letting any of like my fears or even creative block get in the way because I got myself re-excited and re-re-re-excited. This book is going to help people. And on my book tour, it was so interesting. And people did come up and hug me just like I had visualized. And it felt really good. I was like, I'm so glad I pushed through any creative blocks, any doubts, any of like, oh my God, I can't write this, you know, moments because that book did help people. And so envisioning, keeping your eye on any of those, you know, golden treasures at the end that will help people that, you know, whatever it is that gets you to keep going, whatever your because is, I guess.

20:48Yeah, and actually one of the pillars of, I have something called the Mick factor that Les Brown gave me. So it's the initials of my name, M-I-C-K. And the K is keep going, which is something that you and I both have in common because I know you talk a lot about emotional resilience and why that is so important. Can you talk to the listeners and viewers about emotional resilience and why that should be a go-to strategy, a go-to trait that you have. Because life is nothing but curveball, right, Karen? Like if we knew it was going to come right down the plate, fastball every time, we could get up and swing, right?

21:29But life does curveball. Definitely, definitely. Well, okay, two things. I think metaphors help people. Back when I was younger, and I don't do this anymore, I used to run around Central Park. And it's a very long run. I used to see how many times I could get around it back when I was younger in my, you know, kick-ass shape. And I used to tell myself, I just need to get to that next tree. I just need to get to that next sign that I see ahead. I have to get to that next bench. And I would make small markers for myself because if I told myself, I have to run around this park three times, I'd be like, oh my God, that's too much.

22:11I can't do that. but just set little markers for yourself. And when I was doing that, I thought, oh, I gotta do that with business too. Just have to write one chapter. I just have to do, so if you break it up in small, little, biteable, chewable steps like that, then you're more likely to do it. The other thing is a tool that I use still today, which is what I call a stop and swap tool. And I mentioned this in my new book, my new book called Ear to Die for Life. This is one of my favorite tools. And it's so simple. It really is. If you want to stop a thought or stop a habit, you can't just stop it.

22:54You have to do a stop and swap. And I'll give you an example because examples work. We have dogs. One of them is a little bit naughty, Pablo. He's a naughty dog. And he's always like chewing on a sneaker, chewing on a slipper. And if I only removed the slipper and put it back down, he would go back to the slipper because he's anxious. He's doing it out of anxiety and his brain needs, it's actually his brain, his brain needs something to chew on. So I have to do a stop and a swap. I have to give him something healthy to chew on instead, like a bone. We're like that. When we're anxious, our brains need something to chew on.

23:37And it will keep going back to the negative thought unless you put in something healthier to think about because the brain needs something to chew on. So if you're thinking, nobody likes me, you have to swap in the right people like me. Or if you're thinking, this will never happen for me. You have to swap in the thought. Everything has its process. I must trust the process or whatever it is. You have to do a stop and a swap, not just try to stop the thought. That's an amazing analogy. I like that. That was very clear. And, you know, you're helping me with the segue because next I was going to your new book.

24:19So let's talk about the new book and some of the principles that you release in there, because one of the things that I love about all of your books that is full of principles and standards and guides, So let's talk about the new one. Okay. My new one is called You're to Die for Life. Yep. And yes, it has the word die in the title. And it does touch upon death. I think that mortality awareness is not morbid. It's motivating if you use it right. Because mortality awareness gives you urgency. You realize life is short. It's fleeting. and that urgency creates action. It inspires you to move forward.

25:05I wrote this book. I joke, I have two reasons why I wrote this book. The first one's funny. I'll tell you the funny one first. I did not write this book because I had a near death experience. I wrote this book because I had a near life experience. And I made up that term, but there had to be a word for this because too many of us are having near life experiences. and what I mean by near life experience is you're on autopilot or you're on your phone, you're scrolling so much, you're not fully in your life. You're near your life. You're like the Jason's or you're out to dinner with a friend and they're talking and instead of really fully focusing on them, you're worrying about something in the future or you're ruminating about something in the past and you're not fully present.

25:55So again, a near life experience. You're not fully in life. And the third kind of near life experience is where you keep putting things off to someday or later. And again, you're not fully in your life. You're near your life. You're going later, later. You're not in this moment if you keep putting things off to someday. And I woke up to the truth that I was having air life experiences when my dad died. So he was my wake up call, his death. Death is an excellent alarm clock. And I realized that I was putting a lot of things off to someday. I realized that I was working so hard, which was not exactly fully noticeable because I loved what I was doing, but noticeable enough that I kept saying, someday I will start a family someday.

26:45And then when he passed, I realized it was very, it was very hard to realize this, that my dad would never get to see me as a mom because I didn't have a family yet. My dad would never get to meet my child. And I, his death was more of a wake up call to my own biological plot to, okay, I need to have more balance in my life. And I read through a lot because I go into research mode a lot. A lot of the top regrets of the dying. And what I was dealing with, a lot of people deal with one of the top regrets of the dying is I wish I hadn't worked so hard. I wish that I had lived a life more true to myself.

27:27I wish I'd spent more time with the people that I love. I, you know, all there's a bunch of them. So I looked at each of the top regrets of the dying and I reverse engineered them to make sure that I wouldn't have them. And I also created a whole system, which I write about in the book, that woke me up. And I had a child, thanks to the system. In fact, my dad died on August 27, four years later, after embracing mortality awareness and waking up my life, shaking up my life. Four years later, on August 27, I gave birth to my now son. And so my dad's death day is my son's birthday. And I credit mortality awareness for putting the fire under my tush and reminding me, I don't want to die with those regrets.

28:21It's time to snap into action. And one of the tools I used was I wrote my own eulogy. Wow. Wow. That is deep, Terry. That is deep. and i make it i put it in the book but i know a lot of people are like write my own eulogy what like they feel like it's so i make it fun the fill in the blanks template like mad lips where you just fill in the blanks to write your own eulogy and i'm going to give you a little spoiler alert here you can still read the book due to the template a lot of the blanks have to do with core values. It's about who you are. Because I believe from my background in behavioral change, that identity is destiny.

29:09Who do you think you are determines what you do. Like Frank Sinatra sang, doobie doobie doo, great tune, but that's backwards thinking personal development. It should be be do be do be do it's who you think you are your identity is the puppet master for your habits and we're we're operating like that now whether we know it or not if you walk around thinking i am sloppy you're going to do the habits a sloppy person if you think i am organized or i am healthy i'm athletic it's why it's why people that go to the gym can sometimes still keep going to the gym because they think I am athletic or I am disciplined or thinking those thoughts.

29:53And it's why sometimes it's hard to start a new habit like that. It's also why the rich, that expression, rich get richer. They already think of themselves as rich. So then, you know, so you have to change your identity first and foremost. So one of the strategies in the book is to help people to create identity-based habits to become the person they write about in their eulogy, to go from current you to aspirational eulogy. And I help people do this on a daily basis because I think that we shouldn't just write to-do lists. We should write what I call to-die lists. And that's not a bucket list.

30:40I'll tell you what a to-die list is. I believe that to-do lists have a fatal flaw. They're about productivity. Everything these days, we worship productivity. It's too much already with the productivity. I could do everything on my to-do list and at the end of my life, feel like I wasted my life. Because a to-do list is just about productivity habits. And it doesn't include things that make a life meaningful. You won't see things like on your to-do list, like speak up with more authenticity about how I feel or be present for my loved ones and put down my freaking phone or you're not going to see things that really make for a meaningful life.

31:30So what I have people do, still write your to-do list. That's fine. But the truth is, nobody's going to read your Google calendar at your funeral. Right. Nobody's going to read your LinkedIn profile at your funeral. You know what you're going to say at your funeral when they eulogize you? They're going to tell stories about you. I remember I was sick and he showed up with soup. I remember when I was going through a troubling time, they were patient and they sat with me. And all of these stories have to do with core values. They were kind. They were patient. They were communicative. They were present.