Chapter 53: Life During Wartime

8:19Leeman Kessler:That's not great. As I have said, I carry Earth within me.

8:24Siouxsie Suarez:I carry with me the core values of our people. Knowledge, curiosity, respect.

8:31Leeman Kessler:I think those are good things to be working with.

8:34Siouxsie Suarez:Have you and your travels ever had to sacrifice your values for reasons you found to be important?

8:42Leeman Kessler:Well, I don't think I can think of something off the top of my head, but I'm sure I've had to. I think everyone does.

8:51Siouxsie Suarez:I've been able to avoid such compromises thus far.

8:55Leeman Kessler:And you're worried that you may have to compromise something you believe?

9:01Siouxsie Suarez:I am.

9:04Leeman Kessler:Rune, I think it's important to know what you believe. It sounds like it's served you well, but there are very few things that are true no matter where you go. Very few things.

9:23Siouxsie Suarez:As I have mentioned before, it is against our values to violate another being, including their technologies that are an extension of their personhood.

9:31Leeman Kessler:I remember.

9:33Siouxsie Suarez:That being said, if I could forcibly access the systems of this oppressive regime that controls the Cryptessia system, I believe I may be able to deactivate their technology. I can disarm them. All of them.

10:04Siouxsie Suarez:There's something humorous.

10:06Leeman Kessler:Oh, fucking Ertz, man. All right, let's check out our new location and figure out how we're going to do this. Of course.

10:22Leeman Kessler:Well, at least this is familiar. Here?

10:26Siouxsie Suarez:M reports that the nearby city has an approximate population of 80 ,000 with technological levels equal to that of the late industrial early information age on Earth.

10:35Leeman Kessler:What is that? Like late 70s, early 80s?

10:39Siouxsie Suarez:Approximately.

10:39Leeman Kessler:Okay. So, tell me about this plan of yours.

10:44Siouxsie Suarez:There's a high risk factor involved. It will require complicated scans of the enemy's technological environment. M will need to be in close proximity to one of the soldiers for an indeterminate amount of time.

10:54Leeman Kessler:We need to kidnap one of them?

10:56Siouxsie Suarez:No. In taking one of them forcibly, there is the danger of them using their teleportation capabilities. I think it best that our maneuvers be clandestine in nature.

11:05Leeman Kessler:So, we're going to have to do some spy shit, basically.

11:09Siouxsie Suarez:For the highest probability of success. Spy shit.

11:13Leeman Kessler:Okay.

11:14Edward Selvey IV:Okay, let's go loop in the others. Gloria, this is Kazi. Don't be alarmed. Remember that before we parted, I installed an implant in your head. Whoa. Hang on.

11:24Siouxsie Suarez:Is everything all right? Kazi. I'm sorry?

11:27Edward Selvey IV:Hang on. Tita has briefed me on your arrival, and I believe we have your signal now. I'm sorry if this is overwhelming, but I have a large amount of information to give you. Please get something to write with. Oh, shit. Inside.

11:39Siouxsie Suarez:Is something wrong?

11:40Edward Selvey IV:Pen? Who's got a pen? Gloria, what's wrong?

11:43Leeman Kessler:Kazi, in my head. Oh, shit.

11:45Edward Selvey IV:Pen?

11:46Quintin Jones, Jr.:What's going on? Here.

11:47Edward Selvey IV:Thank you. Here's the current state of things. Both Casper and Ava have returned to Cryptesia. Great! Still no sign of Leif. Damn! Casper is with us now. Unfortunately, Ava has somehow wound up back in Kroc's castle. God damn it! Ava! That's turned out to be fortuitous because she was able to transmit a message to us. The news is not good. Fantastic. Kroc has been developing a weapon. A weapon capable of destroying the diner. Fantastic. He was about to fire this weapon, but then the targeting became confused. We believe the targeting was confused because of Casper. Casper apparently has on his person some sort of device that mimics the signal of the diner.

12:30Edward Selvey IV:The space pager. They're unaware of the existence of this device. They think the error is on their end. This seems to have bought us some time. Time is good. But we don't know how much time. Of course. This all means it is time for us to make our move on Kroc. It is now or never.

12:50Leeman Kessler:Oh, shit. What? Kasi's making her move on Kroc.

12:52Edward Selvey IV:Oh, God. I hear you have an ERT with you. That's excellent news. Write this down. 1-0-1-1-0-0-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1. Give this code to the ERT. Tell him to scan for a frequency with this identifier.

13:14Leeman Kessler:One zero zero one. Voon? Yes. This code. She says to scan for a frequency with this identifier.

13:21Siouxsie Suarez:One moment.

13:22Leeman Kessler:Tell him to ask to be connected to high command.

13:25Edward Selvey IV:Ask to be connected to high command.

13:28Siouxsie Suarez:I shall.

13:29Edward Selvey IV:These next few days will be crucial. On one side of the galaxy, I'll be consolidating our forces for the assault on Croc's homeworld, while you will be distracting them on the other side.

13:41Siouxsie Suarez:Greetings. I am Voon, Sorcerer ID 5850 Trinary. Please connect me with High Command.

13:47Edward Selvey IV:This is not at all how I wanted to do this. I needed more time. Luckily, with Midnight Burger involved, I have an ace or two up my sleeve. The Earth has made contact. I'm switching over. Greetings, Sorcerer. My name is Kazi. Thank you for making contact.

14:03Siouxsie Suarez:Of course.

14:03Edward Selvey IV:Can you connect me with the rest of the group, please?

14:05Siouxsie Suarez:I can. Could everyone activate your comm dots, please? My what?

14:10Leeman Kessler:It's the thing we put behind your ear. Oh, got it.

14:13Siouxsie Suarez:We are connected.

14:14Leeman Kessler:Who am I speaking with? Kazi, it's me, Fiona, Voon, and Phil.

14:20Edward Selvey IV:Hello, everyone. Fiona, I'm glad to see you're safe. Right back at you. As Gloria will tell you, we are in an urgent phase of the war right now. We are being forced to move before we are ready, but there is a plan. To buy us some time, we'll be running interference to keep the enemy confused.

14:38Leeman Kessler:How are you running interference? It's a plan that has unfortunately been named Operation Rodeo Clown.

14:47Edward Selvey IV:Casper and David will be constantly moving around the system, sending the diner's signal from as many places as possible. They will do this using a very odd friend of his.

14:59Leeman Kessler:Odd friend?

15:00Edward Selvey IV:They've insisted they stop by to say hello, but they'll only have a few seconds.

15:04Leeman Kessler:What do you mean by stop by?

15:05Edward Selvey IV:They'll arrive in the parking lot any second now.

15:07Leeman Kessler:The parking lot? I don't see anyone.

15:11Siouxsie Suarez:There are no inbound ships.

15:12Edward Selvey IV:They won't be in a ship.

15:14Subway Sandwich Artist:What will they... Whoa! Oh, Jesus, I'm still not used to it. Hey! Oh, my God!

15:22Leeman Kessler:Gloria! David! Hello! X? Oh, my God!

15:26Subway Sandwich Artist:Okay, we can only stay a few seconds. Okay. I'm alive!

15:28Leeman Kessler:You're alive!

15:29Subway Sandwich Artist:Did you hear about Ava?

15:30Joe Fisher:Yes.

15:31Subway Sandwich Artist:I am going to kill her. I know. Girl. David. Look at you.

15:34Joe Fisher:Look at you, space cowboy. How do you like the cube? What is it?

15:37Siouxsie Suarez:I have no idea.

15:38Joe Fisher:Hi, guys. I'm X. What's up?

15:40Siouxsie Suarez:Pardon me. Are you an android? Kind of. May I scan you for relevant technologies?

15:44Joe Fisher:You can give it a shot.

15:45Siouxsie Suarez:No time for scanning.

15:46Karim Kronfli:We've got to go. Okay. I love you. You're amazing.

15:48Joe Fisher:I love you. You're amazing. Okay.

15:50Karim Kronfli:I'll see you after the war. I want to hear everything.

15:53Camille Smicker:Okay. Hi, Fiona. Hi.

15:54Karim Kronfli:We have to go.

15:55Subway Sandwich Artist:Okay. I can't believe this works. I know. Okay, we're just gonna crisscross the system and try and stir up as much trouble as we can. You guys stay safe.

16:03Leeman Kessler:Good luck. Crux it!

16:12Siouxsie Suarez:What the fuck was that? What a fascinating transportation device.

16:15Leeman Kessler:Who was the girl? Those were my friends.

16:19Quintin Jones, Jr.:They fly around in a cube?

16:21Leeman Kessler:I guess they do now.

16:22Edward Selvey IV:Now that's done, this phase of the plan has gone into motion. There's nothing for you to do at the moment but to stay safe. Now that you're connected to my network, I can keep you updated.

16:33Leeman Kessler:Actually, Kazi, Voon's working on something over here. I think we might need to risk going into a nearby city. Working on something? What are we working on? I think Voon may be able to give us an edge. Really?

16:47Edward Selvey IV:Tell me more.

16:48Siouxsie Suarez:I am uploading our proposed course of action to your network.

16:50Edward Selvey IV:Well, that's a nice change of pace. Nice to be working with someone so organized.

16:57Siouxsie Suarez:I return your sentiment.

16:58Edward Selvey IV:I'll have a look at your proposal. Gloria, good luck.

17:02Camille Smicker:You too. What kind of trouble are we getting into?

17:06Leeman Kessler:What are we even talking about? Y 'all, Voon has a plan.

17:12Banto:Hey, hey, enough already. I'm not a carry-on.

17:15Karim Kronfli:You will wait here until he arrives.

17:17Banto:Your voice still sounds stupid in that math. You won't make here. I bet you sound like Truman Capote under there.

17:28Banto:Asshats! Where's my cat?

17:35Jessica Morris:Good morning, Doctor.

17:36Banto:What's with the rough trade from the Bonehead Brigade?

17:40Jessica Morris:You've been a bit too adventurous in your wanderings about the castle.

17:43Banto:I'm a curious person. Is this thing on? Kazi, listen closely. It's all bullshit. Very rude of you to listen to my private phone calls.

17:59Jessica Morris:You're only here due to my benevolence, Doctor.

18:02Banto:That's not true.

18:03Jessica Morris:Is it not?

18:04Banto:No. I'm here because you like me.

18:10Jessica Morris:I was enjoying your company until he decided to use my daughter as part of your machinations.

18:15Banto:Machinations? Croc, come on. Look around. This whole castle is the Super Bowl of Machinations. I can't join in.

18:27Jessica Morris:Enough.

18:32So, how did it happen?

18:34Jessica Morris:How did what happen?

18:37Banto:How did you go from being a space god to whatever it is you are now? Yes, I've figured it out. Every power you've exhibited thus far doesn't come from you. It comes from something invented by that brilliant daughter of yours you keep locked in the tower.

19:01Jessica Morris:You're so sure that's what occurred?

19:04Banto:Yes, Kroc. I am sure.

19:07Jessica Morris:You've seen very little to prove this theory of yours. How are you so confident?

19:12Banto:You're at war.

19:13Jessica Morris:I am.

19:14Banto:If I had mastery over reality the way you claim to, I wouldn't be at war with anyone. I'd already rule the whole fucking place. So why don't you? It's kind of funny when you think about it. You display a little bit of power, and you carry yourself with enough confidence, and people will make all sorts of exaggerations about who you are. Look at all your little boy scouts running around this castle. They're all terrified of you. But in the end, you're not that much different from them, are you?

19:53Jessica Morris:I am exceedingly different from them.

19:56Banto:And then I started thinking about gods, right? The idea of a god. Someone who can shape reality with only the power of their will. And I have to say, the math just doesn't add up. Shaping reality to your will, that would cost a lot of energy. And that energy has got to come from somewhere. All energy comes from somewhere. I'm just riffing in my head right now, but by my calculations, the energy required to shape reality to your will would actually be more energy than is contained in this universe. I see.

20:44Jessica Morris:You think I'm a fraud.

20:46Banto:Not exactly. I don't think you're entirely full of shit. I think you were there at the beginning of the universe. I believe that part. I believe that at the beginning, you probably were as powerful as you say you are now. But something happened. Something changed. And that made more sense to me. Like a star, at first incredibly powerful, losing energy over time. Even Clementine had her limits. We saw that she was drawing energy from... Oh, it was Clementine, wasn't it? That's what did you in. You put everything you had left into her in the hopes that she would get rid of us all. How close am I?

21:53Banto:This mind of mine is capable of a lot of things, Kroc. One of those things? Cognitive dissonance. Holding two opposing ideas in my head at the same time. I am able to sit here at this table and say that you are a despotic shithead who deserves everything that's coming to you. I can also sit here at this table and say I kind of like you, Croc. You've got a dry sense of humor and you own a castle. How about for the first time since the beginning of the universe, you actually talk to someone?

22:57Jessica Morris:The more you love a thing, the less control you have over it. Poetically, the more you love a thing, the more you want to control it. I had come to love this universe, And the more I grew to love it, the faster it slipped from my hands. And in the far distance, I could see its imminent destruction. I wished to stop it. And my power to prevent that destruction waned with every moment that passed.

23:40Banto:So you did all this? There's a delightful little story from your planet.

23:49Jessica Morris:A story of Adam and Eve, two innocents from which all of humanity spawned. When they ate of the Tree of Knowledge, your guard became angry and flung them from the garden, which, I must say, is rather petulant. An entire garden, and you expect people to not eat the fruit. But I digress. Imagine in that garden there was not one forbidden tree, but two. The tree of knowledge and the tree of immortality. And if you ate of both, you would have both knowledge and immortality. What does it make you to have both knowledge and immortality? A god. Yes. Given a long enough timeline, immortality and knowledge leads you to godhood.

24:49Though my power had faded over time, I still had immortality.

24:56Jessica Morris:And all I needed was a long enough timeline to return myself to the power I once had. I just needed enough time.

25:11Banto:And there were a whole lot of diners and movie theaters and shitty bars swirling around the multiverse, speeding everything up. Correct. If I couldn't stop you, I wouldn't have enough time. So you create Clementine.

25:31Jessica Morris:With the last shred of power I had left. I created Clementine. And she worked brilliantly again and again and again. Until along came you and your friends. I am many things, Doctor. I have been called many things. But above all, I am simply a man that needs more time. Kroc, what is the easier thing to do?

26:05Banto:Spending all of this energy and creating all of this misery in the off chance that you'll be able to save the universe? Or learning to accept that everything comes to an end?

26:24I wish I was simply a despot, Doctor

26:28Jessica Morris:I wish I was the villain you see me as I wish it was so simple I truly wish it I truly wish it was a simple matter of me coming to terms with mortality But But I'm afraid it's not so simple. There are worse things than I out there in the darkness. Much worse things indeed.

27:09What things?

27:11Jessica Morris:I've learned not to speak of them. I see.

27:20Banto:A lot of people think that a scientist begins their life with curiosity. That's not how I began my life. I began my life with an admission. I admitted to myself that there are very few things in life that I am in control of. Frighteningly few things. Once I admitted that to myself, I was able to dedicate the rest of my life to figuring out why the fuck that is. Why am I given the power to observe the world but never affect it? It's been a good life, and it all began with that admission.

28:10Banto:The universe played a very dirty trick on you, Kroc. it convinced you that you could change it. But it's even bigger than you. And you still won't admit it. The oligarchs blues.

28:34Jessica Morris:Due to your adventurous nature, I'll need to confine you to your quarters for the remainder of this conflict.

28:41Banto:Fine. Where's my fucking cat? A plastic elastic!

29:00A plastic elastic!

29:17Subway Sandwich Artist:There's an old train winding o 'er the prairie to that old girl of mine.

29:37Subway Sandwich Artist:You better not run out of batteries.

29:44Finlay Stevenson:Casper?

29:45Subway Sandwich Artist:Labuza?

29:48Finlay Stevenson:Hi.

29:49Subway Sandwich Artist:Hey, kiddo. How are you doing?

29:52Finlay Stevenson:I'm okay. I was doing a lot of work with the Vistec, and when I stopped to rest, everyone told me you were back.

30:00Subway Sandwich Artist:I'm back.

30:01Finlay Stevenson:I can't believe it.

30:02Subway Sandwich Artist:Said the woman who can predict the future.

30:05Finlay Stevenson:I'm a little preoccupied these days.

30:08Subway Sandwich Artist:Yeah, I heard. Effie told me you were hooked up to a bunch of tubes and shit.

30:12Finlay Stevenson:It's a constant vigil.

30:13Subway Sandwich Artist:I'm sure you can imagine how I feel about all that. Unfortunately, it's necessary. If you say so. That doesn't mean I'm going to like the idea.

30:22Finlay Stevenson:They told me you would come back with a very interesting friend.

30:27Subway Sandwich Artist:She is very interesting, my friend. She's indestructible, and she can travel through space and time. Okay. She was created by my ex-wife in another universe. Uh-huh. For a while she was my enemy, but then she spent several decades at the bottom of a river in Kentucky, and now she's my dear friend.

30:54Finlay Stevenson:How do these things happen to you? I've been saying that for like 150 years.

31:04Subway Sandwich Artist:Where are you right now?

31:07Finlay Stevenson:I'm on my ship.

31:09Subway Sandwich Artist:You get a whole ship just for you, huh?

31:12Finlay Stevenson:We have to dedicate an entire ship to the Vistech because of the power demands.

31:18Subway Sandwich Artist:Okay.

31:22Subway Sandwich Artist:Labuza, you sound really tired.

31:28I am.

31:30Finlay Stevenson:But it's not like someone else can do this. The Vistech has kept us out of a lot of trouble. Not all of the trouble, but a lot of it.

31:42Subway Sandwich Artist:You know, props to you for making a terrifying machine that can predict the future, but honestly, I hate all of this for you.

31:53Finlay Stevenson:It's important work.

31:55Subway Sandwich Artist:Labusa, I don't care. You're a kid. Okay, again, I am so much older than you. I don't care about that either. Did you ever have a period of your life when you were a kid?

32:09Finlay Stevenson:Was I ever younger? Yes. I wasn't born at this age.

32:14Tess Segal:No, I mean, did you ever, like, shake up a can of Coke and then hand it to your friend

32:23Subway Sandwich Artist:and they open it and it explodes and they're like, no, and you're like, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

32:31Finlay Stevenson:No, I've never done that. That sounds mean.

32:35Subway Sandwich Artist:Of course it's mean. Kids are mean. Casper, I'm not sure what you're getting at. Were you ever a kid? Ever? I imagine you were some sort of brainiac genius ever since you were a child, right?

32:51Finlay Stevenson:I suppose.

32:52Subway Sandwich Artist:Well, I guess I still see you as a kid because you were never allowed to be a kid. You never passed through it. I just want you to have a skateboard or something.

33:08Finlay Stevenson:A skateboard?

33:09Subway Sandwich Artist:Yeah.

33:10Finlay Stevenson:Okay. I'll put it on the list of things to do after the war. Okay.

33:19Subway Sandwich Artist:Make that a long list, okay?

33:25Finlay Stevenson:How are you doing?

33:27Subway Sandwich Artist:Well, we are currently on one of the many Earths in this galaxy, and X and David are inside some dance club. A dance club? Dan-sisted. We're trying to jump every three hours. They wanted to stop for a minute and have some fun.

33:45Finlay Stevenson:Why aren't you inside the dance club?

33:47Subway Sandwich Artist:Oh, I think you know the answer to that question, Labusa.

33:52Finlay Stevenson:But how are you doing? I'm assuming you heard about Ava.

34:01Subway Sandwich Artist:I heard about Ava.

34:04Finlay Stevenson:Are you okay?

34:06Subway Sandwich Artist:I don't want to talk about it.

34:07Finlay Stevenson:She's given us a lot of really important information.

34:10Subway Sandwich Artist:I'm sure that's true, but it doesn't matter because I don't want to talk about it.

34:13Finlay Stevenson:It was very brave of her.

34:15Subway Sandwich Artist:Lusa, she didn't go there to be brave. She went there because she's... Whatever the word is for her.

34:25Finlay Stevenson:It sounds like you're taking it personally.

34:27Subway Sandwich Artist:I can't possibly take it personally because I don't want to talk about it, Labusa.

34:37Subway Sandwich Artist:We were supposed to go on vacation.

34:41Finlay Stevenson:Vacation?

34:42Subway Sandwich Artist:Yes.

34:44Finlay Stevenson:How would that work exactly? I don't know.

34:49Subway Sandwich Artist:Words were said. I don't want to talk about it. Okay. We need to get through this war. Then I can go on vacation and you can be a kid.

35:05What's it like being a kid?

35:13Subway Sandwich Artist:uh being a kid is a time in your life when you do a lot of stupid things and date the wrong people and maybe you crash a car or something and you always look back on that period of your life and think hey thank god that's over But even so, it's still a tragedy when that part of your life is taken from you.

35:48Well, as you're zipping around the galaxy, see if you can find me a skateboard.

35:55Subway Sandwich Artist:I'm literally going to do that. Hello?

35:59Joe Fisher:Hey, over here. It's so much fun in there. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Who are you talking to? Labusa's calling me. Really? I want to say hi. Go ahead. X?

36:12Finlay Stevenson:Hi. Oh, my God.

36:14Subway Sandwich Artist:X, don't scare people.

36:15Joe Fisher:It's fine. Hi. I'm X. I'm Labuza. Hi. It's so great to meet you. Casper thinks about you all the time. Does he? Yes. Casper, did you tell her the thing about how you worry that she never had the chance to have a childhood?

36:32Subway Sandwich Artist:I did. Thank you.

36:34Joe Fisher:Are you sure?

36:35Subway Sandwich Artist:Yes, I am sure. Would you get back here, please? You're freaking people out.

36:38Joe Fisher:Hang on. Listen, now that we're back, everything's going to be fine. This is going to be a piece of cake. Okay? A piece of cake.

36:46Subway Sandwich Artist:You're leaving me vulnerable on the hostile alien planet. You're fine.

36:50Joe Fisher:It's not that hostile. We were just at a dance club. Have you been to a dance club? They're so fun. X. Okay. It's so great to meet you, Labuza. You too. This room is wild, by the way. Okay, bye. Okay. Okay. I'm back.

37:10Subway Sandwich Artist:Relax. I feel so much safer. Anyway, that's X.

37:14Finlay Stevenson:That was very disorienting.

37:17Subway Sandwich Artist:You get used to it. I imagine we should hit the road. We need to keep moving out here. Okay. Take care of yourself, kiddo. I'll see you at the victory party. Okay. Where's David? He's still inside. What's he doing in there?

37:29Joe Fisher:Uh, he's a young man in a dance club full of young people. You really want me to answer that question?

37:34Subway Sandwich Artist:Never mind.

37:35Joe Fisher:Oh. Hmm. Labuza asked you about Ava and now you're a little cranky pants.

37:43Subway Sandwich Artist:I don't want to talk about it.

37:45Joe Fisher:And when I'm around, you don't have to. Get out of my head. You like it when I'm in there. No, I don't. Just a little bit. X. Little bit. Oh, you just had a thought.

37:55Subway Sandwich Artist:Yeah.

37:56Joe Fisher:Ava's at the castle.

37:57Subway Sandwich Artist:Yeah.

37:57Joe Fisher:We're zipping around the galaxy.

37:59Subway Sandwich Artist:Why not go get her?

38:00Joe Fisher:Why not go get her?

38:01Subway Sandwich Artist:Zip in, zip out. It would take less than a minute. Yeah. No. No? Huh. What?

38:12Joe Fisher:I can't go there.

38:13Subway Sandwich Artist:To Croc's castle?

38:14Joe Fisher:Yeah.

38:15Subway Sandwich Artist:Why not?

38:15Joe Fisher:I don't know. It's... like it's not there. But it is there. I know. I can see it in your head. What the fuck is that about? I don't know. Oh, shit.

38:32Subway Sandwich Artist:Good guys or bad guys? Bad guys, I'm assuming. Hey, guys. Welcome to the club. Bob, can I see your IDs, please? Do not move or we'll be forced to shoot you. Okay, did you hear that, X? Don't move. Got it. What the fuck, where did she go? Holy shit. Uh-oh, have you guys been skipping your oil changes? Big boo-boo. What's happening? Uh, X, the ship is falling towards the warehouse. Can you drift a little closer to the river there? X, X, X. Oh!

39:19Tess Segal:Well, it's a shitty part of town. It was probably abandoned, right? I hope you guys didn't leave any of your stuff in there.

39:26Subway Sandwich Artist:You should never leave your vehicle unattended without removing your personal belongings. Guys, here's how this is going to work. She just destroyed your ship because she felt like it. How do you think it's going to go if you try and shoot us? Who the fuck are you, people? We run a diner.

39:52Joe Fisher:Fun stuff. Yeah.

39:53Subway Sandwich Artist:What's on fire? See what happens? You spend too much time in the club and life passes you by. Some bad guys showed up and X did a whole thing. These guys are cream peps.

40:03Joe Fisher:Aw.

40:04Karim Kronfli:Sorry I missed it. We should probably get going, though. They know we're here. All right. This place is dead anyway.

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40:40Subway Sandwich Artist:Midnight Burger is brought to you today by Shaker and Spoon, where you can get$20 off of any subscription by going to shakerandspoon.com slash midnightburger. Cast members and avid cocktail makers Neil and Julie gave Shaker and Spoon a try.

40:55Joe Fisher:It's a cute little box and you open it up and it's filled with a whole bunch of recyclable packaging material and cute little bottles and fun instructions and really cute written postcards with recipes.

41:10Subway Sandwich Artist:Each monthly box arrives with three original recipes created by world-class bartenders, as well as enough ingredients for 12 cocktails, four from each recipe.

41:19Quintin Jones, Jr.:I mean, I've got a pretty solid bar by most like home bar standards, but I don't like get things that they sent. Like I don't go out and buy black pepper walnut bitters and like cardamom bitters and they had a bunch of spice syrups mixed up and stuff.

41:35Subway Sandwich Artist:Each box revolves around one type of liquor. So just add one bottle of liquor and you're ready to go.

41:41Joe Fisher:It's all very clear because everything's labeled and each cocktail has its own ingredient card or instructions card. So each one has its own recipe and like backstory and everything on a card. So yeah, it's all easy to figure out.

41:56Subway Sandwich Artist:They'll have everything you need, except for the egg.

41:59Quintin Jones, Jr.:There are even two enormous lemons. In there. There's actual fruit in there.

42:03Joe Fisher:Fresh lemons. Fresh citrus.

42:04Quintin Jones, Jr.:So the only thing we needed was booze and for one of the cocktails we needed an egg. They didn't send an egg, which I think is prudent. Good idea.

42:10Subway Sandwich Artist:You can learn new techniques while creating excellent craft cocktails.

42:13Quintin Jones, Jr.:They have sourced these cocktails from people in the business and like I'm checking the CVs on some of the people that they dropped and they're like legit heavy hitters working at serious cocktail bars.

42:25Subway Sandwich Artist:It's also a great gift idea. Literally all you need to know about your gifty is their email address.

42:30Joe Fisher:I think it would be good for really smart, cool, and beautiful people.

42:35Quintin Jones, Jr.:Oh, like our listeners. Yes. And one of the cool things here is that there's enough to make three different cocktails and to make four of each. So you could make it like a little social thing, right? Like have you people over, hey, I got my new shaker and spoon box. Let's come over Friday night. Let's see what these are.

42:51Subway Sandwich Artist:Going out to the bar has become a little more complicated these days, so throw an epic cocktail party at home and save$20 off any subscription by going to shakerandspoon.com slash midnightburger.

43:16Fiona, what's your status?

43:18Camille Smicker:Hey, Kazi, we've got the plan in place. I'm making my way downtown to meet Phil.

43:23Edward Selvey IV:You've located their base?

43:25Camille Smicker:Yeah, apparently it's hidden underneath a subway.

43:29Edward Selvey IV:It's under a train?

43:31Camille Smicker:No, not an actual subway. It's a sandwich place called Subway.

43:37Edward Selvey IV:That's confusing. What's the plan?

43:41Camille Smicker:I get into the back room, block their communications, then Gloria moves in.

43:46Edward Selvey IV:Good. You seem to have brought a good group of people with you.

43:51Camille Smicker:Yeah, they're great. We've been through a lot together.

43:55Edward Selvey IV:I wanted to mention, before we get too deep into this, Tita tells me that you've been gone for some time. Yeah, eight years. I see. After all this is over, I'd like to do some tests on you, if you don't mind.

44:13Camille Smicker:Okay.

44:15Edward Selvey IV:We have a lot of people under our care like you, Fiona. Their minds were altered, and I've had to reverse the effects. You're the only one who's been living with these alterations for an extended period of time. I'd like to see if there are any long-term effects.

44:31Camille Smicker:Yeah, sure. It's not the first time you've had to root around in my brain. What's one more?

44:37Edward Selvey IV:Good. Let's make a point of it.

44:41Camille Smicker:Okay. Is that all you needed? Yes.

44:49Edward Selvey IV:Just checking in. Anything else?

44:56Um... Fiona?

45:00Camille Smicker:When I first got here, I was really scared. I didn't like being back here.

45:08Edward Selvey IV:That's understandable.

45:10Camille Smicker:And now, I'm walking down this street, and I'm...

45:14Edward Selvey IV:You're angry.

45:16Camille Smicker:Yes.

45:18Edward Selvey IV:That's also understandable.

45:21Camille Smicker:Like I can feel it in my body.

45:24Edward Selvey IV:That's adrenaline.

45:26Camille Smicker:I'm surrounded by people right now. All of them going to work, coming back from work. Across the street right now, there's a hair salon full of people getting their hair done. All of them are like me. All of them have been altered and fucked with to serve some purpose that has nothing to do with them. It all has to do with one powerful man that they'll never meet. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to shake every single one of them.

45:55Camille Smicker:That, however, would not be a mission-critical act.

46:02Edward Selvey IV:That anger is important, Fiona. You should be thankful for it.

46:08Camille Smicker:Should I?

46:11Edward Selvey IV:It means you're alive. Okay.

46:16Camille Smicker:That's what I do with the anger. What do I do with the fear?

46:20Edward Selvey IV:If you're dreading an approaching event, make plans for afterward. Really? Yes.

46:30Camille Smicker:That's all?

46:32Edward Selvey IV:Then the event you're dreading becomes one thing on a list. Take away its power in your mind.

46:40Camille Smicker:So we're about to go to war with a space god, but that's okay because drinks after? Yes. Wait, is that why you want to look at my brain after this is over? You're just trying to make me feel better?

46:57Edward Selvey IV:No, Fiona. That was for me. Oh.

47:07Camille Smicker:Good luck. Thank you. Okay, Gloria, I'm outside.

47:14Leeman Kessler:Okay. I just wait here at the back?

47:17Camille Smicker:Yes. Phil and I will do a thing, and then I can get the door open.

47:20Leeman Kessler:It's a pretty big steel door out back. Are you going to take his keys or something?

47:26Camille Smicker:No need. Sit tight. I'll be right there.

47:28Leeman Kessler:Okay.

47:29Quintin Jones, Jr.:So, let me ask you this. How many meatballs do you put in the large meatball sub? Three. Uh-huh. So, if I order the six-inch meatball sandwich, what do you do with the other half of the sandwich?

47:46Karim Kronfli:Well, we don't make the whole sandwich. We only make half of it.

47:51Quintin Jones, Jr.:And that's with 1.5 meatballs?

47:56Karim Kronfli:No. If it's a six-inch, we just use two meatballs in the sandwich.

48:01Quintin Jones, Jr.:So, what you're telling me is, if I get two six inches instead of one foot long, did I get a whole other meatball out of the equation?

48:11Camille Smicker:Hmm, yes, but we really don't want people to do that. Oh my god, this fucking day. Can you help me? I'm trying to find the train station and the map says to go down 5th Street, and I did that. I went all the way down 5th Street and I'm not seeing anything. I'm not even hearing a train. Am I going the wrong way? 5th Street? Can I take my backpack off? I've been carrying this thing around all over the city. I tried to read this guide on all the essential things to pack, and the guy who sold this thing to me was like, you can pack a week's worth of stuff in this one bag. And I was like, great, that's the one for me.

48:40Camille Smicker:And now I'm three weeks into my trip, and I'm beginning to think that maybe one week for a guy is not the same as one week for a woman. You know what I mean? Ma 'am. Anyway, I am fucking lost, I think, and I really need your help. Is the train station on Fifth Street, or am I imagining that? Ma 'am, there is no Fifth Street downtown. What? We don't have a Fifth Street.

49:01Quintin Jones, Jr.:Uh, excuse me.

49:02Camille Smicker:Look, it's right here on the map. Ma 'am, that's a map of New Haven, Connecticut. I know. This is Bloomington, Indiana. Whoa. Hey. I have taken a wrong turn somewhere. You think? I'm going to have to think about this. Guess so. Okay, can I order some food? I need to figure this out.

49:23Quintin Jones, Jr.:I need. I see. All right, I see how it is. What? Black guy in a wheelchair doesn't exist in a subway, I guess. I guess that's how it is.

49:34Camille Smicker:Sir! I'm so sorry, I didn't even think. Sir!

49:37Quintin Jones, Jr.:This subway is racist. Oh my god. A black man doesn't exist in this subway. Oh, come on! Turns out racism is five dollars and a foot long.

49:48Camille Smicker:Okay, Gloria, get ready.

49:50Leeman Kessler:Do you guys name your little schemes like Casper and Leif do?

49:53Camille Smicker:Phil calls this one fear of a black sandwich.

49:56Leeman Kessler:Nice.

50:00Camille Smicker:Okay, Peter. Skeleton key.

50:02Siouxsie Suarez:Skeleton key.

50:16Camille Smicker:Okay, Voon, I'm in the back.

50:17Siouxsie Suarez:Excellent. Place the jamming device in the east wall in the back of the establishment.

50:21Camille Smicker:Okay. It's on.

50:25Siouxsie Suarez:Very good. They should sever any communications they may have with their homeworld. Their hideout appears to be directly underneath where you are currently standing.

50:37Leeman Kessler:Nice work, Peter. They're directly under us. Okay, there should be a secret stairway or something nearby, right? Should be.

50:44Siouxsie Suarez:Gloria, do you have my M unit?

50:46Leeman Kessler:I have your floating ball, Voom.

50:48Siouxsie Suarez:Hold the M above your head so that it may scan for anomalous technologies.

50:51Leeman Kessler:Okay.

50:54Siouxsie Suarez:Scan complete. Gloria, on the far wall there should be a calendar called 365 Days of Sandwich. I see it. There is a proximity lock behind that calendar. Hold M to the calendar and the door should reveal itself.

51:05Camille Smicker:Okay. Hello? Shit, I'm gonna go run interference. Peter, sentry mode. Sentry mode.

51:10Banto:Good luck. Gather round while I sing you of Werner von Braun, a man whose allegiance is ruled by expedience. Call him a Nazi, he won't even frown Nazi schmatzy, says Werner von Braun I really don't have time to talk, boys I'm busy growing my hair long enough to reach Prince Charming all the way on the ground

51:42Karim Kronfli:Please take this animal

51:47Banto:Come here, Carl You know I can stay up here just fine. But Carl's not going to stand for it. He will come to you in your sleep.

51:57Karim Kronfli:We've been instructed to search our premises.

51:59Banto:That's a violation of my civil rights.

52:03Karim Kronfli:We don't know what that means.

52:05Banto:Who does these days?

52:06Karim Kronfli:Please stand aside.

52:09Banto:Fine. Don't say that he's hypocritical. Say rather that he's apolitical Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down? That's not my department, says Werner Von Braun

52:33What is this?

52:34Banto:It's a gravy boat

52:36Karim Kronfli:I must report this to the benefactor

52:38Banto:That's fine, but before you do that, would you mind shoving it up your butt? Why would I... Never mind. Get the fuck out of my room before Carl eats you.

52:59Banto:You two may be a big hero Once you've learned to count backwards to zero In German and English, I know how to count down And I'm learning Chinese says Werner von Braun.

53:31Quintin Jones, Jr.:Homeworld, this is Banto. Do you read me? Homeworld, this is Banto. On Earth 122. Do you read me?

53:47Quintin Jones, Jr.:What the hell?

53:54Quintin Jones, Jr.:Homeworld, this is Bonto. If you can read me, I think my station is under attack. Please respond.

54:18Hi. Who are you?

54:22Leeman Kessler:I'm Gloria. I think you're looking for me. I am? Aren't you?

54:30Karim Kronfli:You're that lady from the diner.

54:33Leeman Kessler:That's me.

54:35Karim Kronfli:What are you doing here?

54:37Leeman Kessler:I'm here to surrender.

54:41Karim Kronfli:Surrender? Yes. To me?

54:47Finlay Stevenson:To you.

54:50Karim Kronfli:Why?

54:52Finlay Stevenson:Does it matter? Is this a trap?

54:58Leeman Kessler:How successful do you think you'll be with that question? Why would I tell you if this was a trap?

55:05Karim Kronfli:Stand over there.

55:07Leeman Kessler:Okay.

55:15Don't touch that force field. It'll hurt you.

55:18Leeman Kessler:Okay.

55:26Quintin Jones, Jr.:Homeworld, this is Bonto. Do you read me? Homeworld, this is Bonto on Earth-122. Do you read me?

55:33Siouxsie Suarez:Gloria, we have a good signal. Emma's working to analyze his technology. Remain calm and I will inform you when the process is complete.

55:41Leeman Kessler:Your name is Banto?

55:46Quintin Jones, Jr.:How did you know that?

55:48Leeman Kessler:You just said it into your communicator thing.

55:53Quintin Jones, Jr.:Oh, yes, that's my name.

55:56Leeman Kessler:It's a fun name.

55:59Quintin Jones, Jr.:I don't think I'm supposed to talk to you.

56:02Leeman Kessler:Okay. Thing is, there doesn't seem to be anyone else here. Is it just you here?

56:10Quintin Jones, Jr.:I can have more men here anytime I want.

56:13Leeman Kessler:I'm sure. How are you on this planet? Well, we tried to escape Croc's castle and that landed me here. And honestly, I'm kind of useless on my own, so I figured I gave it a shot and it didn't work out. May as well surrender. Big day for you, Bonto. You just captured somebody pretty important.

56:44Quintin Jones, Jr.:I didn't actually do anything.

56:47Leeman Kessler:Well, we could keep that between us. Whatever heroic story you want to tell, I'll be sure and back you up. Why are you being so nice to me? I'm a nice person.

57:03Quintin Jones, Jr.:You're the enemy.

57:04Leeman Kessler:Says who?

57:07Quintin Jones, Jr.:Says everybody.

57:09Leeman Kessler:How do they know? What do you actually know about me?

57:16Quintin Jones, Jr.:I know that you're like us, but you come from far away, and you're trying to destroy us.

57:22Leeman Kessler:Why would we try and destroy you?

57:26Quintin Jones, Jr.:I don't know. You want to stop us from succeeding.

57:31Leeman Kessler:Succeeding at what?

57:35Quintin Jones, Jr.:succeeding, I don't know.

57:36Leeman Kessler:It's okay. Back on my planet, I never really know what our leaders are doing either. I know what we're doing. Okay. I do. I believe you.

57:50Leeman Kessler:So is it really just you here? That sounds kind of lonely. I'm fine.

57:59Leeman Kessler:What do you do for fun?

58:02Quintin Jones, Jr.:I watch TV. Oh yeah?

58:05Leeman Kessler:What do you watch?

58:07Quintin Jones, Jr.:Whatever is on.

58:10Leeman Kessler:What's your favorite?

58:14Alice. Alice?

58:19Leeman Kessler:Like with Mel's Diner, Alice?

58:23Quintin Jones, Jr.:Yeah.

58:26Leeman Kessler:Okay.

58:28Quintin Jones, Jr.:It's funny. It is funny. I like it when the woman with the big hair says to kiss her grits. I like that too. What part of the body is the grit?

58:43Leeman Kessler:Oh, it's not a body part. It's a... Grits are ground up corn.

58:51Quintin Jones, Jr.:Corn?

58:54Leeman Kessler:Yeah, it's called a euphemism. Huh.

59:04Quintin Jones, Jr.:They work at a diner on Alice. They do. Why doesn't their diner attack people like yours does?

59:15Leeman Kessler:Bonto, our diner doesn't attack people.

59:19Quintin Jones, Jr.:Our people have been attacked there.

59:21Leeman Kessler:Who attacked who, Bonto?

59:31Quintin Jones, Jr.:Homeworld, this is Bonto, here on Earth-122. Do you read me?

59:35Siouxsie Suarez:Gloria, I've been able to access his weapon systems. I am quietly shutting down his offensive and defensive capabilities. Would you like me to deactivate the force field?

59:43Leeman Kessler:Give me some time, Boone. I shall.

59:50Leeman Kessler:Hey, Bonto. You're in a unique position right now. Here I am. I'm the enemy. you can ask me anything you want. Anything you want to know?

1:00:09Quintin Jones, Jr.:Do you know about square dancing?

1:00:12Leeman Kessler:Square dancing? Sure. I've never done it myself, but I've done El Caballo Dorado, kind of the same thing. What is that? It's this dance that everyone does at parties. Anytime there's a birthday or a quinceañera, they start playing this song and everybody has to dance to it.

1:00:33Quintin Jones, Jr.:Why do they force you to dance?

1:00:34Leeman Kessler:They don't force you to, but there's always somebody there at the party who will shame you into dancing.

1:00:42Quintin Jones, Jr.:Everyone does this. No, not everyone.

1:00:46Leeman Kessler:Just where I'm from.

1:00:49Quintin Jones, Jr.:Where are you from?

1:00:52Leeman Kessler:I'm from a place called Phoenix.

1:00:56Quintin Jones, Jr.:Phoenix? Yeah. Alice is in Phoenix.

1:01:02Leeman Kessler:Oh, right. Yeah, it is.

1:01:05Quintin Jones, Jr.:Phoenix is real? Phoenix is real. On Alice. I've never seen them do this dance. Right. Well, there are a lot of different types of people on my planet.

1:01:23Leeman Kessler:And different types of people do different types of things. We have different traditions.

1:01:31Quintin Jones, Jr.:That sounds confusing.

1:01:35Leeman Kessler:It can be, sure. Meeting someone new. You never know what to expect, but that's part of the fun.

1:01:44Quintin Jones, Jr.:Why is... Why is that fun for there to be so many different types of people?

1:01:51Leeman Kessler:It's fun because... Because when you spend time with someone who's different from you, it makes you see parts of yourself in a different light. You get to know yourself better when you see how other people live. Sometimes it makes you grateful for what you have. Sometimes it makes you realize you could have more. Mostly it makes you realize that the world isn't just you. That the world is wide. And while you've been spending your whole life trying to find the right way to be, You talk to other people and you realize there is no right way to be. There's a million different ways to be right. But then in the middle of all this difference, you suddenly spot something familiar.

1:02:44Leeman Kessler:Something that feels like you. So there you are, looking at someone completely different from you. and you see yourself. The world gets bigger and smaller at the same time.

1:03:09Quintin Jones, Jr.:And that... I would like that. Banto,

1:03:18Leeman Kessler:I want you to choose to do something for me. What? I want you to put your gun down. I want you to turn off this force field. And I want you to come meet some people who are very different from you. I think you need to.

1:03:42Quintin Jones, Jr.:Who are they?

1:03:45Leeman Kessler:They're different. But they're just like you.

1:03:55Banto:Okay, I'm back. I'm confined to my room. I'm not confined to my room. Let's find some consistency here on Mount Evil, Croc.

1:04:06Jessica Morris:Explain this, please. Confirm to get back up. We don't know how they got in.

1:04:11Karim Kronfli:They just appeared out of nowhere. Hey!

1:04:12Joe Fisher:No calling for help? That's cheating.

1:04:21Jessica Morris:I'm happy to see you're entertained. Who is this woman?

1:04:25Banto:Well, that, Croc, is a small preview of your future ass-whooping.

1:04:32Jessica Morris:Oh, really?

1:04:34Banto:Yes. I can't wait for you to meet her.

1:04:38Jessica Morris:Who is she?

1:04:39Banto:Don't worry about it.

1:04:41Jessica Morris:Doctor?

1:04:42Banto:Hey, you lock me in the tower and then you expect me to help you? No way, dude. I tried to help you this whole time. I tried to help you give up this ridiculous plan of yours, but you won't listen to me. My work here is done.

1:05:00Jessica Morris:You tried to help me by alerting your friends to my vulnerability.

1:05:04Banto:Yes, but I think we can both agree that was for your own good.

1:05:08Jessica Morris:Enough, Doctor.

1:05:16Jessica Morris:Perhaps you are here to help. This is all that I needed. This little device you've been hiding from me is all Jazinka will need to make our weapon functional. The downfall of your friends was hiding in your pocket this entire time. Within the hour, Midnight Burger shall reach the end of its travels. Thank you for your assistance.

1:05:41Banto:Kroc, do you know what a snow globe is?

1:05:45Jessica Morris:Do I want to know what it is? You do.

1:05:50Banto:It's a stupid little thing. It's a globe, and it's got a little Statue of Liberty in there or something, and some fake snowflakes, and a bunch of water. You shake it up, and ooh, it's a snowstorm. Right? You can only fit so much water inside the snow globe. If you try to force more water into the snow globe than the snow globe can handle, the snow globe will crack and shatter. You're with me, right?

1:06:24Jessica Morris:Unfortunately.

1:06:26Banto:Somehow Jazinka has figured out how to harvest energy from vacuum fluctuations, adding more and more energy to the universe, more and more water being added to the snow globe. This universe that you're trying to save, You're going to destroy it with that big gun of yours.

1:06:49Jessica Morris:I don't believe the universe is so fragile, Doctor.

1:06:52Banto:It doesn't matter what you believe. Every time you fire that gun, you're running the risk of a cosmic imbalance. A cascading effect that could ripple through the universe, destroying everything. How convenient.

1:07:09Jessica Morris:The weapon that will win this war for me is the one thing you wish me to avoid. Do you really think me so stupid? Croc? Let us speed this confrontation to its inexorable end, shall we?

1:07:30Jessica Morris:Here they are. New energy. She's discovered a way to harvest it, contain it within these spheres, and then weaponize it. This will be how I am finally rid of you all. The only thing that will be destroyed is any hope of your compatriot's success.

1:07:54Jessica Morris:You wish to communicate to my daughters that I am a shell of a man, that I am no longer what I once was. How did you artfully put it? It's all bullshit. I believed you described me as a star, once burning bright, now fading into nothing. But there is another phase in the life of a star, isn't there, Doctor? A star begins as a beacon in the darkness, and then, later in life, becomes the darkness itself.

1:08:44I may not have power on my own, but I am an excellent repository for it.

1:08:52Jessica Morris:With this new energy, I am reborn. You there, what is your name? Gran.

1:09:03Karim Kronfli:Goodbye, Gran.

1:09:10Jessica Morris:You have overplayed your hand, Doctor. Your warning has only led them into a trap. Now I will destroy them all.

1:09:44Subway Sandwich Artist:Folks, it's the bottom of the ninth, and the bases are loaded. You can cut the tension with a knife here in the stadium, even though it's the offseason and the stadium is completely abandoned. Coming up to the plate is X. X comes to us from San Francisco. She was formerly a psychotic robot chasing me around the multiverse, and before that was literally just a pile of sand.

1:10:10Joe Fisher:Silicates aren't sand!

1:10:12Subway Sandwich Artist:It's a beautiful day here at whatever this stadium is. X is in the batter's box now. She's got a steely look in her eye. Now here's the bitch.

1:10:24Joe Fisher:Aren't you supposed to throw this at me?

1:10:27Subway Sandwich Artist:Well, I would, but we accidentally crushed the pitcher's mound with the cue. Also, he can't throw. There's also that. Just toss the ball up and swing away.

1:10:38Joe Fisher:Okay.

1:10:41Subway Sandwich Artist:Here's the pitch.

1:10:45Subway Sandwich Artist:Oh, she really tattooed that one. It's going. It's going. It's still going. The ball is still going. It's not coming down. It's okay. The ball is in space now.

1:10:59Joe Fisher:That was fun.

1:11:00Subway Sandwich Artist:Who's next? No athletics, please. I would get up there and put you to shame, but I'm busy doing the color commentary. Hey, David, you know what I was thinking? What?

1:11:09Joe Fisher:Well, Philomena is kind of the closest thing I have to a mom, which kind of means...

1:11:20Karim Kronfli:Oh, dear. That I'm kind of your sister. That's so terrifying.

1:11:25Subway Sandwich Artist:Why? Yeah, why? Just because she can show up randomly at any moment without any respect to your personal space and start reading your mind? I would never do that, David. She's done that to me many, many times. You love it. My life happened to be in danger at the time, so I guess I do kind of love it. But hey, speaking of your mom, she says hello.

1:11:45Karim Kronfli:My super genius mom? Yes. Okay. It's so weird to think of her as the smartest woman on the planet when the last time we spoke, I had to walk her through what an Instagram story was. I know.

1:11:57Subway Sandwich Artist:But I'm sure somewhere out there is the super genius version of me.

1:12:03Joe Fisher:Uh, Casper, I've met millions of versions of you and none of them were super geniuses. Just saying.

1:12:10Subway Sandwich Artist:Completely uncalled for.

1:12:11Joe Fisher:Hey, you should tell David about the art opening.

1:12:14Subway Sandwich Artist:The what? Oh, yeah. So the other David was showing his stuff at a gallery opening in Baltimore.

1:12:20Karim Kronfli:Oh, yeah? Yeah. Pretty cool, right? I am just thriving in every timeline. It's true. But hey, family meeting. How are you doing? What do you mean? I mean, you've been out here for a while.

1:12:38Subway Sandwich Artist:You had to leave everything behind. How are you feeling?

1:12:43Karim Kronfli:Good. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, the ex was telling me you gave her a little speech one time about things having meaning. I did? Yeah, on the Ted home world. Right, yes, Leafs are. Which, by the way, where was this wisdom in my youth? I got none of that from you as a child. Okay, in my defense, I had several decades trapped in a diner to develop that wisdom. Anyway, thinking back on Los Angeles, so many people, maybe most people walk around all day and nothing means anything. There's no meaning to it at all. They don't have to be out here fighting evil or something, but there has to be meaning to it, right?

1:13:28Karim Kronfli:Some sort of purpose. It can't just be making it to the next day. I don't know, David.

1:13:37Subway Sandwich Artist:David, I think for some people, making it to the next day is pretty fucking meaningful. It depends on who you are. Who you are is the person who needs something more than that. You need to go out there and face it. That's who you are. That's how it's meaningful for you. For the longest time, making it to the end of the day was a monumental feat for me. It meant a lot. Mainly because I didn't see the point of doing it, but I kept doing it. I kept doing it until it meant something. Not everybody has to fight Croc the Propagator. They just have to get out of bed in the morning, and that means a lot to them.

1:14:24Karim Kronfli:Exactly. That right there. Where was that wisdom? Okay, I just told you... Casper. What's that?

1:14:30Edward Selvey IV:We're detecting an imminent volley of energy from the home world.

1:14:33Subway Sandwich Artist:Is it the gun? I thought they didn't know how to use the big gun.

1:14:35Edward Selvey IV:They must have figured something out. Change your location immediately.

1:14:39Subway Sandwich Artist:Oh, shit. Let's go. Everybody into the cube. Let's go.

1:14:45Tess Segal:How much time do we have? We don't know yet. Let's go. Where am I going? Anywhere. Just put us in deep space. Hang on.

1:14:54Edward Selvey IV:Okay.

1:14:56Subway Sandwich Artist:Kazi, we've changed locations.

1:14:58Edward Selvey IV:It hasn't fired yet.

1:14:59Subway Sandwich Artist:What do we do if it fires? Okay, if it fires at us, we wait here for a minute and then move before it hits us.

1:15:04Karim Kronfli:And if it doesn't fire at us? Kazi?

1:15:11Edward Selvey IV:He's fired the weapon. And? There's a single beam of massive energy headed for the diner.

1:15:20Karim Kronfli:Shit. I thought they couldn't do that.

1:15:22Joe Fisher:How much time do we have?

1:15:23Edward Selvey IV:Roughly a minute.

1:15:24Karim Kronfli:What? We have to warn them. Kazi.

1:15:27Edward Selvey IV:I don't think I should do that, David. Why? There's nowhere for them to hide. This amount of energy being released, it'll destabilize the whole planet. There's nowhere they could shelter themselves.

1:15:40Karim Kronfli:We can't just sit here.

1:15:43Edward Selvey IV:I'm sorry, David. Dad.

1:15:45Karim Kronfli:Come on, where's some of that wisdom I was talking about? Dad!

1:15:53Subway Sandwich Artist:Okay, you want wisdom? Yeah. It's no good living your life as the person who watched it happen.

1:16:02Okay.

1:16:03Subway Sandwich Artist:Okay. Yeah. The cube is made of the same stuff you're made of, right?

1:16:09Joe Fisher:Yes.

1:16:10Subway Sandwich Artist:How indestructible are you?

1:16:11Joe Fisher:I don't know.

1:16:15Subway Sandwich Artist:Put us in the path of the gun.

1:16:17Joe Fisher:Hang on.

1:16:22Okay.

1:16:23Joe Fisher:Here it comes.

1:16:24Karim Kronfli:Jesus Christ. Holy shit.

1:16:29Subway Sandwich Artist:Give me your hands.

1:16:34Subway Sandwich Artist:I love you guys.

1:16:46Karim Kronfli:Fermions and Bosons.

1:17:00Karim Kronfli:Sing to me.

1:17:17Quintin Jones, Jr.:Lovely and tenderly, Jesus is calling,

1:17:23Karim Kronfli:calling for you and for me. The old now fordome is waiting

1:17:33Joe Fisher:And what is it for you? Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y 'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

1:17:41Quintin Jones, Jr.:And if time and tide roil you too harshly Or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens Just remember, we're out there somewhere looking for you.

1:17:56Joe Fisher:We open at 6.

1:17:58Subway Sandwich Artist:Midnight Burger is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

1:18:28Subway Sandwich Artist:McStinkerpants, heir to the three-ply empire. Owen the Orgasmic Ostrich from Oldham, Bad Egg, Bran with the Pants that Dance, June is my Spirit Animal, Maple and Cronus, Benign Alien, Orion, Dilbert Weed, Medley71, Reluctant Dave, Scarlet Leopard, Bebo is not wrong, they are just waiting until they are right, Memzie, Spitboy the Spit Guy, he spits, Demon Knight 016, Honey Cooper, Brookie, a.k.a. Dances with Cats, Mad Maddox, the Sorcerer Sanguine, says Brain Demons is an anagram of Brandon is me. Gabriel Strife is brought to you by Charlotte Brown, Gary Gygax, and the number 42. Gabriella, the Jasmic one, and introducing Recy Pontiff as the 81st Doctor.

1:19:14Subway Sandwich Artist:A plus K, Bakus is on the loose. Corey and Stephanie celebrate 20 years of marriage. Sidron, Dammit Derek, David Kiesler of the Cornville Kieslers. Illidia the Podcast Junkie, in IAD. Forgive me, Joe, I have sinned. No. Garfunkel, happily divorced Heather looking for a lady lover. Have you fed your Neopets? I want to clockwork Mungo. If I ever go missing, blame the magpies, Revelane. James Harlow is the crustiest vato I ever witnessed. Just some guy from Adelaide named Ryan is now back after Patreon had reset their name. Kashak the Lizard Wizard casts Jabootigate. Mission Control banned me from fucking aliens.

1:19:56Subway Sandwich Artist:One Polar Cat. Ha ha ha ha. Two Polar Cat. Ha ha ha ha. Paddy the Ginger and his Bethany slaying Ginger Army. Positive Buzz Network. Shamelessly dodging my responsibilities. Sigmar sends his blessings to the Midnight Burger. Storyteller. USS Shag at Sea. Volpe the Space Fox is overjoyed hearing their name pronounced correctly on the first try. Who do you think you are? I am. Zach the Wayfaring Cryptozoologist. Alphonse, first of the MOCs, Lord of the Eight Stud, High Steward of the Black Separator, member of the Ancient Brick Collegium. Cause it don't change my number, 8-6-7-5-3-0-9. The Snuggle Bunny by Boomhauer Weapons.

1:20:42Subway Sandwich Artist:So smooth and easy to use, you'll want to sleep with it. Boomhauer, for those who want to be rich the easy way. Bunches McGinty and her pack of rescued demon dogs. B. Elzebub, Lucy Fur, and Abby Normal, if you want to know. Squeaky Squeakerton squeaks Von Squeakerson III, even though he's the first and only, a.k.a. Fake Noodle. All the mongos in the triad go... Dr. Punkusher Esquire has so many flowers, he's giving them away down at your local record store. Where Elf the Sacred River ran, through caverns measureless to man, down to a sunless sea. The Transdimensional Traveling LMT. I like big butts and I cannot lie.

1:21:22Subway Sandwich Artist:Mental Hinge. Chef Gal Val was on hiatus for a while and is currently playing catch-up. Stay tuned. Njord Flanders. High Priest of the Cult of Giga. Did somebody order the Chaos Goblin Supreme hold the anchovies? No, seriously. Hold this bag of anchovies. It's really heavy. Pego is actually Daniel Pegoraro from the town of Torre di Cortisolo in Provincia di Vicenza in Italy. Sammy Lockely and Sir Dr. Werther P. Worthington. Skeptic Eddie, litter box attendant, pauses in scooping cat poops to ask most humbly for Dr. Luke's hand in marriage. The intergalactic house of cats demand a free Palestine.

1:21:59Subway Sandwich Artist:Team Hashim, Samara, and Thiessen rules forever. Randy's amigo says, congratulations, amiga. All my best to the two of you, always. Can I have Zandria but just get Joe to go for as long as he can on the R? Sure. Zend 'r 'er-r 'er-r 'er-r 'ya A-plus Douglas Alexica Habaniera Elondra August Loves Tasha Tasha is my cat and August is me Cicada the Multiversal Bug God Confused Dog Early Morning Clouds Eddie Eichmann Chaotic Bananas in Four Low Talon Lawson Kiriyan the Asteroid Wrangler Kyle Khalish Leo John 316 Boy Mother Grimm, Nico Lund, QWERTY, Ruthie, Tall, Tired, and Nerdy, That Wacky Aunt, The Mysterious Woman, The 206 Project, Podge Art, Bess Bessie Bessica, Dim, Leif's brilliant but dyslexic little brother, Dois the Truscan Union Rep, Dr.

1:23:00Subway Sandwich Artist:Lattice Trash Angel has so much compost, holy shit, does anyone need any compost? Hit her up. Fenwick, happy banana birthday, Lana Banana. Kitty Pockets, Molly Winter, Mr. Mucklewain was my father's name, call me Juno. My father, the milkman. Pinstrike algorithm, strikes! Rocky the used TARDIS, sales Iridian. Shelby Welby lives forever. The electric tuna and lady fish in their fishdom. Theo at home, two sheep toys. We've been trying to contact you regarding your time-traveling dimension-spanning diner's extended warranty. It's not rocket surgery. Biro the motherfucking dragon of the Shreveport the motherfucking dragons.

1:23:38Subway Sandwich Artist:Cheap con. The real cheap con. Accept no imitations. Actually, never mind. Go ahead and accept other cheap cons. I'm sure they're good folks. Coco Yumi can only think of them as hot pockets. But Jolanth. Leif's one true love. And the bride Leif left at the altar. Dot dot dot. Need I say more? Kitty Pockets. Mama's Time Lord Robert. Ron and Misty Dawn. two souls just trying to order night breakfast in the wrong time, space, and dimension. Cone of Silence Consultants apologizes for its role in transporting the eels to Hood's pocket. They were listed on the manifest as the singing Von Trapp family.

1:24:15Subway Sandwich Artist:Kelso the Great, Inayad, Silinxer. The joyful nihilist wants you to know that love at first sight isn't real, but lust at first sight absolutely is. It's okay, just read my name once, then read a lot more Bethany's. Moe Bitcher is still on the loose. You can help put them away by writing Midnight Burger episode summaries at wiki.weopenat6.com.

1:24:59Subway Sandwich Artist:Troy Pugsley, Andrew Payer, Gothsquatch, Quellor the Liberator, Big J Rock, Stuart Lynn, Orb, Logan Fullerton, Kulva Gouvno, Rhonda Menard, Dear Ted Empire, Your Code Sucks, Have a Sandwich Needs to Be a T-Shirt as an Anti-AI Battle Cry, Ava's Dying Pet Cactus, Dark Dream 95, Socialist Queers for Jesus, Taku, DJ, Harrison Sally, Lila Lost, Spooky 904, GART, Eden Gavin, The World Needs More Junes. Big Bunging Bernie Sanders Approved Beyond Burger. Leif's Third Doomsday Device. Ducky the Therapy Dog. Shane Snoke is a goofy enough name all by itself. The Bears are joining the Bethany War against the Bethany's bearing arms for the Bigfoots on behalf of Bigfoot Benny and the Bigfoot Jets.

1:25:50Subway Sandwich Artist:A steak? Avalon, Drought Breaker, A Goddamn Harpoon. Pickle Pancakes, Charlie DeLambert. Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Michael Card, Raven the Neccoqueen, Spike Osorio, Benjamin Davis, Twyla Sands, Alexandra Scaldone, Curtis Barnes, The Huwak, Shenzo, Chris the Monster, Persephone Wattacore, Time-Traveling, Dimension-Spanning, Goose Named Fig, Silinzer, Chrisara, Fernando Alacuzzi, Wad of Gore, Not That Keith, Jordan Lawley, Some Fucking Swamp wizard, Skeksis, Royal Punk, Trisha Schaefer says, ooh, David, that is not a taco. Zico, Udon96, Ren the No, Latimer Lovelock of the Lacy Lady's Lovely Luxuries, Jizum Crow and the Holy Cow, Tanya Fisher, Rainbow Goth Unicorn, Rangocorn, Our Lady of Crab Walking, Known, Nomad, The Human,

1:26:46Tess Segal:Space Viking Celestial Crow Gavin Dees Gavin Sailor Neve to Princess and her Aunt Seuss Honey and Ember Google's Galad The Forgotten Storyteller Mr. Wudu

1:26:57Subway Sandwich Artist:Chris with a K A cat and a lemon walk into a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner Slangwort

1:27:03Tess Segal:Mythical Mantis Honey Badger in a trench coat doing crimes Elmo's Chip Shop Jay Cable Cranky old organist I, Joe Fisher, being of sound mind and acting of my own free will, do hereby confess that I am the Zodiac Killer. Jared Kosu, Leon Sporkfire, Pastor Jen Jensen, The Dick Wizard, Lou Woods, Chris Goyer, Noise Squared, Ginger Bear's Honey Bunny, and their sidekick Wicklow, The Mount Hood Tory Gate, Mrs. Cashew, Kat Roth Daniels, Julia Gulia of the Shreveport Gulias, Leopold Gogol, Alex Drumbar, Stoner Pubby, Elisa Kelly Martin, Pan System University of Mihira and New Tideland. Inateb thought that they could spy in the Bethany War by spelling their name backwards, but it isn't fooling anyone, everyone.

1:27:49Tess Segal:Sub-Arctic Turtle, the femboy behind Casper, DocU018, Mark Kayab-Yab, my two favorite sheep toys say hi from New Zealand, bah! Jasonator, Namir, Sandalwood Mountain, East Coast Branch, Ash Draw Stuff, Christy the Chaos Coordinator, Joshua Baker, Grant Blackburn, the Bean Count Bandit, a Margin Mage, Silent J, Geo, Buzz Balab, The Boom Guy, Boom!

1:28:16Subway Sandwich Artist:K-Man, Mimosa, David O 'Banion, The Phantom of the Uxbridge Music Hall,

1:28:21Tess Segal:Carmen L7, Dizzy Miss Lizzy, Mostly Harmless Alien, Logic Ledger, Kayla Soom, Right Behind You, Gonzalo Martins, World's Largest Ball of String, Bucky Chipmunk Reminds You That You Lost the Game, Samuel LeFue, Hestadon Neprathum, Flashcards, Nicholas Dyke. Nine. Yeah, the number nine. A resting place for weary beans. Shane Hopkins. Juniperb with the backwards knees. Eve in the between hour. Two-faced Janice. Slight burn. Scooter, worshiper of the seven cat gods. The amethyst dragon with tiger eyes. Martel McKinney. Ice Queen. Laser girl and the nurse. Where are our oars? Caddy B. Go ask Alice.

1:29:04Tess Segal:Wes Kester saves the world. Valen's three cats stacked atop each other wielding a plasma gun. Jeffrey, Purple Nurple Nullifier. JP the Pizza Boss. Reaper's Past. Late Indeed Again. Rex, Cricket, and Frankie. Brigitte, Spadius, Squiddy. The Frosthunt Scientific Collective. Two of us have PhDs and the third has memorized all of Ava's dialogue. Champagne Supernova. Eleven Letter Christopher. Antonia Ortiz, A Block of Ice, Huitlacoche is Corn Smut but Classier, Ren the Crescent, Erica Davis, Jane Doe, Magic Incognito, Lord Drez, Drakir, Blood Butler, Sandalwood Mountain North, Cryptic Amorphous, About 45 Degrees, Mandy, Big Cat Makes Kitten Go Purr, Ted Ted and Teddy, Hi Bruce, Enjoy Your Walk Through Them All, Parker Berry, Don't Actually Say This Part of My Name, just say my name please.

1:29:58Tess Segal:Dr. LL, your Jamaican fan, says Wagwan. Tula Blue and 142 Boogaloo. Pistol Pete and Death Lotion. Intergalactic Transdimensional Burger Pirate. Penny Pilot. Debbie Trencher, that one dude who likes tacos. Mark the list to name loser. The Male Escort. Lady Bethany, aka Mrs. Turkey Spit. Junior Barding, the father of Lucas. Ava Maddox's Ashtray. Adore-Bees, Vera Torkelson, Bones, Lizard Breath, and the Snot Rocket would love a space burger, Andrea Rose, Samantha Oram, Caden Suda, Bat Loves Dragon, Tommy Johnson, Unhip Fern, Noodles by Godzilla, Ralph Capone, Corey 83, Blues, Liz Wants Leif to Build Her a Plane, Dude Named Blake, John Caleb Williams, Natalius, Kian, an Eel Exchange student from Midst, Dabberti Lastname, Rattrick, Ricklin, like Rich Land but without the D, Dyer, All Bethany's Must Do the Hustle, Jordy Ladbrad, Natasha Without Boris, Frost and Alice, Lobster Possum, A Mostly Morose Ghost Eating Toast, Hey Leander, Love You Kiddo, Malort Boy, Jinx the Cat Would Like to Offer You Biscuits, Have a Zesty Day, Megan, Malcolm Edwards, Spend My Money Irresponsibly, Stephen Drop, Dana Thanielson, Son of Dana Thaniel, or Danny for short, Chris Eaton, Cross Stitcher Who Loves the Hobby and Time Travel, Funchbrunglin, Nash Likes Apples, Pneumatic Yeti, The Eldritch Skyphozoa, Wyatt Fryhover, Paul, James Bell, Dave Davison, Broom Goddess, Ricky Burnett, That New Guy, Da Savage Indian, Rad Boy, Hayden Brown, Jules Weeks, Calf, The Generous Patient Rose, John Wilkes Booth's freedom-loving horse, aka Jay Willikers, Neckbone his imperial dudeness, oh hey, it's Jay, Grimm, off the internet wants Harriet to know he loves her, Titan King 707, Rich Francis, Burger Kaspaspa, no relation, Jedi Shaolin, Smart Alec the Great, Gas Station Cryptid, Deus Kashuk, Bird Bird the Bird's Bird, Cheesy McFish, Papa Goose, Sometimes I Do Feel Like a Plastic Bag, Amanda Bills, Misty Word Power, Casper's Danish Moose, Flacco, aka Johnny R, the Disco Spider, Leaf Tracks, The Rise of Leaf, Chapter 2, The Ted Slayer Unchained, Vicky Hebert, Pike Daniels, The Cosmic Whale, Zansatsu, Mr.

1:32:22Tess Segal:and Mrs. Van Limberlost, Murdoch Wang, Caterpillar Farmer, Chimera, Don Moat, the Space Trucker, Chadwick Coden, Doyle III, Jody Green, Monster Senshi, Michael Peters, Political Knitter, Seasonal Sasquatch, silently seeks secret society, so special souls softly sing sweet songs, smartly stirring strong stories. Physicist, Brendan Shoneman, I divided by zero and now I'm undefined, ah! Leif the Horse is Here, Mag Tremor, Rod Stewart the Sailor Slayer, James We Met, the Listless Enjoyer, Ash Morningstar and her Traveling Animal Shelter, Miss Maxine, Boy Got Them Honka Honkers, Kevin O'Malley, Invisible Garilla, The Mrs.

1:33:03Tess Segal:Poland, Zemaniac, Hop loves a thugbot named Francis, Pam the Infinite, and Thou, Curiosity is Eating Your Bones, Revolutionary Inclined Ocelot, Matt Howler, Andrew Bear, Marius De Joa, Butterfly Fox, Riot the Tranny, The Fish Did Not Acknowledge Her, Irma the Llama, 27 Keep It Tight, Chip, Gloria's right hand jack-in-the-box man, Giardin, Grim Knight, Pike Daniels the Whale, Anthoseles Bethany Maximus Lord of Kingwood, Texas Ragnar Jensen Addison Weirdo Wagner Shua the Druid is composting the rich for a salad bar Araman0305 Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for night breakfast Titus Kosloff Ashes of a burnt-out laif I'm a kung fu panda on the wind Brandon AR equals Thor I love you all, never forget that, especially in Trials and Labusa's voice brightens my day The Intergalactic House of Cats demand a free Palestine Electromancer Chekhov's Space Cannon, Corey Sensus, Surf and Turf Telecoms, I'm a Gin, Red and Dusty with his Garden Goddess, Shelby Morrison, Kobe's Dingleberry, Mystic Monster for Chaos, Ziggy Dreadful, Rave Hands Mally, G-Wing, Frank One, It Is Sparks, Lost Girl Lou, Chris B, Middle American Penguin, Shanna Welch, Crocheted Cosmos, Andy the Celestial Penguin, Jackie Orion, Bo Nunley, Ariana Castillo, The Tall Deer That Portends Great Change, Lita Mettinger, Marco, Friend, as in Your Best, Lime Ghost, M, Icky Blurgs, Jay the Irascible, The Magic Committee, Committee of Anything Magical, Ian Full, 345 Uneducated Swine Learning to Swing Dance, Nova the Fuck Accountant is definitely not a tangle, One Intergalactic Year with Big Potato 99, aka a the rat lady aka bumblebee aka ak-47 kai just a little guy ender right mark nazawareitz xenia the capturer of light duncan albert theoretical chemist chris loves to read katie michalek greg andrews lions in memory of jason reese get your butt fingered that girl gracie magnus von kaffenheim saucy little beast drewbert captain of the ss beefy tits long time lurker scooter The Unlucky Son, Jennifer Myers, Lady Lazarus, Donnie Darko, Tim Shin, Caitlin and CT's NeverEnding Podcast Adventures, WhisperDan, Keo the Panda Puppy Forklift Operator, Ruby Cherries, Nick Fay, Buttholen, Justin and Amy Triplett, Jen Sims, Penelope, Ring to the Motas, The Leathermans, Odd Commodity, Jen Before, Ander Ho, Leah Prime, Gregory Santoro, Mothmull, Not the Fucky Fried Chicken, Robert Drapeza, Dimension Spanning Time Traveling Little Guy, Eono, Jonathan Tolbert, Mr.

1:35:51Tess Segal:Put-It-On-06, Hedgehog Hen, Jackson Bell, Katie Chambers, Jay the Podcast Lover, Dick Rickles, Chapter President, damn glad to meet you, Malcolm Flynn, Samuel Lee, Josetron Prime, oh my god I forgot to change my name from Nicholas Beckler to something more cheeky and fun, Arwen the Freer, ThroatGoat666IAMYOURFATHER, Addie Slauson, Inconceivable Kai, Red Rum 916, Nick Waycaster, Gotham still fucked up, Batman really ain't doing shit when you think about it, No Good Monk, Rai, yes, like the bread, Sarman Sayed, Jhonald Grimbus, Matt Knight Bushager, Gavin Morey, damn Eitri, Andromeda, Stephen the Choi, Gloria's Authentic Earth Coffee, Gabriel T., Can Someone Find Me the Parmesan?

1:36:36Tess Segal:I Did This For Fun, Cookie Nebu, Axel Zapata, Jason McDonald, Orianda, Bean Dino, Philip Lenick, Hugh Jass, J2, Brian Montgomery, Artemis Record, Safa Aluzzi, Trev Brax, Gunnar Tweedle, The Bard Without a Ballad or a Mallet, Nazo, Platform Jail Mechanism Burn Museum Theorist, Hold Please, Kei Keiow, Empress Squishy Face of Greater Catopia, Anna Garcia, Goblin King, Rays of Noop, Kiki's Best Friend Would Like to Go to breakfast. Yegor Luce. Terry Cadds says hello Ernesto. Leaf Tracks. The Rise of Lafe. Chapter One. Loaf Tracks retires. The Dishonorable Prodigal Ailum. Sculliver. Sam and Shane. Ahsoka likes hugs.

1:37:18Tess Segal:Going Anonymous. V. Ma Dukes. Ooh chickadee. Dango Dale. Estee. Not the website. At every moment in every corner of every possible world there is always a way home and it's already found you. Jao Paolo Lemos, Odd Keep, The Sentient Lighthouse, The Faceless Old Bethany Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, D. Shane, Tanya Fisher, Appalachian Death Queen, Zosifer Doggo of Doom, Burnt Barbecue Beef Brisket, It's Official, They're Called Thigronis, Kevin Winans, Marlon C., Just Whelmed, Madame Perry, Cherish Hellfire's Hellish Chairfire, Lichen Lady, Midnight Club, Cameron Agnese West, Knox, Lisa Liu, Emmett Hale, The Triad's Baddest Goblin, Emory and Lano, James Miles, Browncoats Love the Diner, House Chaos of the Critter Cacophony,

1:38:05Subway Sandwich Artist:Max, Nia, Ivan, and Mark will see you at 6. Open, open, open. No, wait, never mind, just Mark,

1:38:11Tess Segal:and we make the world. Minion Simone Mimi Davis, Gaia Turtle, Wayne Barahona, Jesse the Dragon Rider, We Will Not Rest Until Puerto Rico and Palestine Are Free, Pluto Crow, Nissy's Mom, PokeSplort, Whiskey Rebellion and Gen Riot's Interdimensional Detective Agency, Zephyr Vitriol, Altreon, Shibu, and Griff, Slim Nandy, Goth Leif, Jen and Britt, Adriana Bartolomucci, Jonah is Gay, The Midnight Ashes, Hornetti, Balian Fair has retired and now raises herds of mungos.

1:38:41Subway Sandwich Artist:Hood's Pocket Protector. The artist formerly known as Unpaid Intern would like to congratulate Heather on her divorce and is thinking of getting one herself.

1:38:50Tess Segal:Valkyrie Storm, Patricia Who's Always Late But Somehow On Time, DC Squirrel, Kyle the Interstellar Highwomen, Shelly Act on the Verge, Gale Friend, Rubber Cake, Clover the Clown, The Sparky Tech, Prop the Croc-A-Gator, Ringleader Volt, Jazz Punker, Captain Tight Pants and the Companion, Renee N, Katarina de la Playa, RIP Eloise Waffles, The Floof Wrangler, Aki the Space Druid, Phantom Land TTRPG Dice, Kate Taplume, Your Local Blacksmith, Ash Montgomery, The Boggiest of Birches, Jason, HVAC Tech for the Diner's Deep Freeze, SK Phoenix, Glitch the Gamer Error, Zephyr the Weffer Montgomery Foxworth, Mary Face, Luan Cherry, Peppermint Pearl the Interdimensional Space and Tea Time Witch, Nicole64, Amara Salazar, Banjo Buscalo, Full Beans, Glorious Forgotten Ford Festiva, Brandon Wright, Night Breakfast at the Midnight Cauldron, Force for Good-ish, The Ghost of Dave Brockie, The Judah, Slater Morales, Intergalactic Fry Lord, Gravity's Optional but Fry's Aren't, CJ's Big Barbecue Bistro for Bethany's, Angel Vasquez, Evil the Cat, Stephen Raymer, J.

1:39:59Tess Segal:Carp Fishman, The Great Goblino, Low Oxygen, Save the Mungos, Joji the Birdwatcher, A Flock of Gray Horses from the Top of a Sycamore, Lilac Morcella, Rachel Krempa, with special thanks to my best friend Lizzie and my husband Steve. Don't worry about the order, honey. Your Tig Old Bitty Yeen Milf Majesty, Temporal Hash Brown, Diane Brown, Captain No Sleep, Jamie, the OG happy hippie, Rainy. Reuben Eden, Smedley P. Snodgrass III, but please pause two to three seconds and then say call me Smeddy. The Shreveport Bohannans, CC the Umbrella Mage, Bradbury's Sasquatch loads Chekhov's gun and rides to join Bethany's army.

1:40:39Tess Segal:Din, Cosmic Ketchup, Lack of Lifestyle. Joe definitely didn't forget about you, August. Moosey, Hood's Pocket Gear and Sprocket Local Repair Cafe. The Crafty Introvert, Postmaster General Kwan sent me. Blake Basmagian, Nitwit14, Royaled way too harshly, DJ Johnny B, The Clop Man Diamond, Marco Montano, No Longer Doing a Bit, Shiny Fields, Adam Tachek, Christopher Wendell, Unproductive Banana, Pulsifer the Paulist of Paulism, Zombie Spider-Man, Bex823, Auntie Cryptid, Barry Heap, Gas Mask Penguin, In the Hot Seat, Mime Ninja's Ninja Mime, Master Oogway, Barry, Dilly is Dallying, Futile Screaming at the Ocean, Fox Hatlin, Dylan Caroni, Pedro Vibresto, Slider, Malachi, Julian Rhodes, Maple Emily, the gayest library janitor in Indiana.

1:41:31Tess Segal:Learn how to be calm in heart, Stumbly. I'll be waiting. Physic the Good Bush, definitely not one of the bad bushes, funding rebel Bethanies to overthrow the duly elected Bethanies. Hexadecimal Bethany is non-binary. Vapis 10's Big Black Gaping Hole.

1:41:45Subway Sandwich Artist:The planet Gubrius is still partying. We can't stop.

1:41:49Tess Segal:Oh God, what have we become? Bruce, Jessica Gagoma, Torical, Jenny the Bear, Agurr, Sardine Thorne, Treech, Josie Jones, Mr. Fibble is very cross, Haute Potato, Dr. Mojo postulates the end list endlessly splintering off as Bethany and Bert Bert's caboose until its end lists all the way down. Blind Time Traveler Convention Date, LA Woman, The Phoenix Rising, New Name, God, no, not him, Jeff Andrew? Sure, Jeff Andrew, Cup of Noodles, Schmizzy Two-Shoes, Luna Nova, Nicholas Griffith, Justin Smolin, Riku31, Craig Dundee, New Type Without a Gundam, Astral Sea, Ickle Me Pickle Me Tickle Me Too, Witch Loud the Cartoonist, Guy with the Chops, Sam, Mitchell Yee, Bagel Knife, Imelda and Scott, Courtney Cochran, Lily Starling, Ryan K, Devin7777 has been my fave verbal stem for months, Nate, Forklift lifts forks for Cliff, Chip, Radio Free Relia, Violin Loves MIDI, Brian Pasley, Suwubasa, the blue Chernobyl dog enjoyer, Grena, Piston Whip, Captain Ducky, Blitz Bell, Shiny Let's Be Bad Guys, Satsuma, Silius Goose, Dr.

1:42:57Tess Segal:Jones, Icy Axe, Coach Shane of Toad Sucks Central, Go Cranes! Sky, Cole Arthur, Lego Croissant, Cassade, Norwin Murgler, Joe Cuppa, Dogma Mom, We be chopping broccoli, Icy Fish, The Hacker Known as Ivy DeBurb, Blue Tune, A Feisty Ass Chickadee, Poultry Landmine, The Scrappy Poet, Jenny the Cryptid Paladin, Maverick Artist, Shit, It Was a Mimic, Basil in Their Tea, Waiting to Gossip with David, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ains Michelle Spurgeon, Jack the Sleepy, Garrett Henderson Twote, still trapped but I've stopped asking why, the freezer is, I am, we chill.

1:43:39Tess Segal:Son of Defarge, Wisco Teach, Give Peas a Chance, Samalama Ding Dong, Behold Lady Sarah Purr, Whisker Veil, Countess of Wood Hollow, Mistress of the Whispering Pines, and Beloved by All Creatures Small and Opinionated. Ricardo Galamba, Kari's Crafty Cloaking Devices, LLC, hashtag WeWeaveEmOfGossamer. Penny the Wonder Dog and Bucky Von Buckbuck Medium Rare Extra Toasted Bun Saucy Caesar Belt Aspen is a Verge fanboy Mick J67 Ava's favorite My Little Pony pencil Wants Joe to slap into a snim-jim Mr. and Mrs. Drifter Representative of the Alaska Midnight Burger Tummy Time chapter Nathaniel Lee Industries Lord Entropy Bok Bok Motherfucker The Fae Wanderer Everybody's favorite clown Splotchy Kosher Steak Flo Rida Alyssa's Shiny Pants Gondor calls for aid.

1:44:30Tess Segal:Arnold Rumspringa, the demise of the Temple of Bethany's. Alan Berglund says, Hi, Mom. Rin the No. Kitty McSkull. Raven Stromdans, hapless novelist passenger of the dimensionally impermanent and temporally incontinent bookshop cafe The Wild-Eyed Prophet. Tessa Craig, perfectly personalized disaster. Jim Turner, Lux Luminos. Javi De Niro, Big Chunk, Gadides. Boom Boom's Wooden Leg. Will the Real Muad'Dib please stand up? Jilly Bean, Benjamin, not Franklin. Tracy Baby. Leia. Is that the Chris Hancock who traded weekly soup for the use of my kitchen table? A Singular Nightbird. Bethany in a Green Field.

1:45:06Tess Segal:I am the Lizard frantically firing flechette guns. A-E-I-O-U-Y and W. Bumble Faye. Mr. Epsilon. Long-haired Matt. DJ. Robert W. Brielzebub. Krezimira. Jessa Loren. The Bean Wizard. Myth and Stitch Embroidery. Loves the Mucklewains. Lulu Louise. Doolio. The Brew Crew Family. Bert Ruba, your most benevolent lord and master of the multiverse. Jeffrey George. Ellie. Don't tariff me, bro. Oopsie. Evelyn. The Wizard Mooses holds out their cat for you to pet. Grimlor. Ginny Waboom. Errant Popsicle Stick. M Horowitz. Isle of Refuge. Jack Spider's Mom. Bubble Butt Bethany has banana breath. Llama Fresh.

1:45:45Tess Segal:Jer the Benevolent Destroyer. Valtiel Heller. Sad Little Earth Monkey. Revan the Red Beard Wizard. Bert Bert and the Funky Bunch. High viscosity, gender fluid slime. Bethany 2, Electric Boogaloo. Welcome to the Quan Pound. Pen, pen, pen, pen, pen, pen, pen. Mr. Muchacho Kaiser Schnitzel has successfully recruited Sarah Murphy's cats for the Trouble Puffs Fight Club. The wolves in the deep freeze say, awoo. Sanctuary Moon's number two fans. Insane clone posse. Alice Lewis. Simply Amy Sue. I pushed her because Joe said so. Even older Liz. McBearcat. Grack Pinfeather, Sitican Druidic Scientist. Astro, your friendly neighborhood android.

1:46:25Tess Segal:Moonlight Zombie Fox. Old Doc Recy, the Midnight Missionary, out there somewhere looking for ya. Rotten Ronnie Sleeps in Grandma Panties. Artist Dragonborn. Bigby Garage. Bill Zangana Lester. Joaquin Jimenez. Big MF Juice, the SIP. Muffins. Space Wives are officially Verge and Deidre. Chad Hatter, Cosmic Tea Maker of the Triads. Tell your cat, I said. Ups, ps, ps, ps, ps, ps, ps, ps, ps, ps. Banana Manaz, A Corgi Cold Kibble, Cuddly Kraken, Sarge the Bard, Sominity, LL Cool Mint Jams, Travis Roberticus, Ken Daddy, Lea Aizade, Millie Was Taken, Dead2Me86, B Camp, Shanman Man Man, Karma Karma Chameleon, Kinran Says Hello, Zoe and Her Army of Mice, Briar Longlost, Daniel, Sammy the Baby Seal, Trixie Belle Dubois, Dr.

1:47:14Tess Segal:Bootyologist the Glutes Doctor. Thank you for pressing to your Anglophone emotional support Canadian request will be processed in the order in which it was received. Queen Surly Jess. RIP Lance McClain. You would have loved Midnight Burger. Adam Toklove. Dr. Bitchcraft. Sassy Cat the Space Vixen. Claire Rock. Jekka. Eros to God. The size two fish you've been looking for. Yokai. Borgia. Spiders are cuddly. The main immortal pinball sounds in the diner. Cheel. Neal. Sin City Scuba Steve. Poliwog. Michaela White. Elena Pickle.

1:47:46Subway Sandwich Artist:Wilbur Winklewright, wristwatch wrangler of West Worcestershire, riding through the desert on a horse named Patoon.

1:47:54Tess Segal:Professor Thaddeus Snookums VIII, Mr. Grin, Glenn Petrovsky. This moment of silence so Joe can catch his breath is brought to you by Rick Tyler. Elizabeth Hammond, Steam Vision, conductor of the interdimensional time-spanning hype train. Dave Herold, Wise Cube, Bromine, pronounced bro, mine. Main humding up, mother of Pearl, Fiona now owns Leif's 18-inch Peter. Seal Face, Rigor Mortis, Megan's Things, Things Megan Makes, Coilane, Trebek's Reject, Prophet of the God of the Mucklewains, Darth Ox, Michelle Kay, Aaron Arnold, Boyoyoyoyoyoyoyoying, as in Boingy, Mama Mander, B-Roz, and Slunkmaster J, Alpacalypse, Spokane, Doesn't Suck, Elliot Paints, Undead Akira, The Lord Reverend, Ryan, Thomas's Ten Tenebrous Tans Taffel Tippers Treading Treacherously Tantamount to Telling Totalitarian Trope Termination Tales The Lovely Laura Lovely Kith Gamgee Sam Wise's Flamin' Cousin Dariel Jeremy the Ruler Gochi Charles Robert Darwin III Esquire, PhD Jacob Mitchell Zeke in the Box Stevie Crowhill Hola Millican of The Welcome Wagon says E Cabo The Adventures of Magpie and Brown Bear Scrubs Remy The Panda Crew Melody Prime Beardo the Wizard Captain Benjamin Hawkeye Pierce the German short hair pointer from Nashville, wants to tell his mom Maddie that he says wolf.

1:49:15Tess Segal:Whiskered, any two hands for the double high five? Marissa the ghost. Local snowplows in your area are dying to meet you. Rutherford B. Chesterfield and his dapper companion Winchester. Cheshire Corgi. Stray Cat. Ol' Kelsey No Shoes. Zoldia. Dizzy Flame. We Serve Everyone Eventually. Sasha. Beth and Alan Van Gillis. Langston North. Sly Fox aka Br 'er Rabbit. Your friendly neighborhood The Constantly Lost Geographer, Timothy Aotis.

1:50:08Tess Segal:fight. John Peters, you know, the farmer. Barkley on the holodeck. Dapper Dad. SCP-049. O Magis. Raven the Dreamer. TK Turtle King. Mike M. Space-based lasers. Captain B and Lady G with their swabs. Marla Madam Lotus still especially loves Finley. Mr. Steamwave. My friend the rhino says be nice. Hup challenge. Dream Founder. I'm your Huckleberry. Elizabeth T. Ty Ty the Wonder Hamster and her dear darling Duke. Grandpa Gus. Boombastical Kimlicker. Hug-a-Muffin. Bigfoot of Doom. D.L. Annie Atkins. A bounty hunter called the Crandy Man. Garo. My cats say to tell you. Meow. Think fast, chuckle nuts.

1:50:51Tess Segal:Flash banged. Benjamin Ortiz. Mr. Frog President. Pop Rock Quicksand. Mr. Squizzle Sizzle Whizzle Fizzle the horrendous apologizes for conspiring in the

1:51:11Tess Segal:Thank you.

1:51:31Tess Segal:Josie Jones, Boots Gootin' Dave, Anthony Lakey, Brit Littlefair, T.U. Luther, Some Days You're the Beatle, Some Days You're the Dung, Lauren Mayer, Glenn Morris, Richard Ryan Mushell, Michelle Myers, Ali Oopsie, Not To Be Confused With Oopsie, Fridge Pickle, Rosemary Prim, Robert Savat, Lizard Lee, Eliza Sharp, Donald Shingler, Daniel Stavvy, Fall of the Berlin Wallaby, Kella T. Arena, Rachel Vasquez, Luca Vecchito, Naya Venturi, The Beloved Yet Borderline Inappropriate Empire of Dr. Thunderbutt and Lady Christabel, Justin Wiley, Brett Zimmerman, Arrow Jones Jubal, Xavier Killingsworth, Lane Kiffin-Is-A-Ho, Mimetic Hygienist, Aaronstar Joshua Damien, and Sentinel of the Star System, Claude DeClaws, Spunky Dan, Rachel Seymour, Ed Boy, Ryan Finnelly, Jonathan Kay, Pearl Null, Petabyte Avatar, Tugwin the Mighty, Project Octopus, Ken, Chibs1012, Scotty Oates, Byrotron95.

1:52:28Tess Segal:Dance break.

1:52:41Tess Segal:Speaku, the Bracken system in its home world, Ren. Simply Tony, it will always be Finley's work hole to me if you know, you know. Gabriel Castillon Whom, what, when, where, and why Is what all Fagronis say while listening to Midnight Burger A drum major and a trapeze artist walk into Connie's bar Retorted Sir Party Animal Uloy Jackal Are you sure you might rob the Nancy Sinatra? Court need to leave it alone if you want to live Must be a witch Cat with a K My Fagroni has a first name Stompenstein L. Mustachio Lucafer Hezekiel La Chihuahua Brava Adeline Peets Cece Carousel Korth the Destroyer, Honest Puck, Casper's Mom's Milf, Scout and Fox Glove says the floor is lava, Unexpectedly Blue Red Nell, Kordomsky, Craig Armstrong, Plastic Fork, Dulcet Deleche Studios presents Under the Truscan Sun, Get Out of My Booth, Bug, Propagator, I Hardly Know Her, Sad Angry Crab Man, Chuck McFinley, Effie and Zebulon's trans great-granddaughter Hazel Hayes, Velocity Girl 42, Little Dragon and a Cauldron of Bats, Ben Carlyle, Flat Steve's Love for Grand Theft, Anna Kearney, Tater Tot Assassin, Four Schnauzers of the Apocalypse, Starblaze Burnbright, Imzukioki, Spotted Rhino and Her Hand-Me-Down Frogs, Red Mafia Panda, Lonely Isle, Kai Dallow Headphones, Hinkle, Pikeman Stover, Fondella Stover, Pikeman Stover's Wife, Alexander the Boss, Skrizzles, Flap, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, The Firekeeper, The End Is Nigh, Jeremiah the Cancelled, Librarian Alex, Spike and Faye, Johnny Ellen West and the Boys from the Dwarf, Speedy McSpeedy, Eli, Wolf, Auntie Becky is owned by Five Rescue Cats, Speckled Unicorn, Jedi Rides Again with Nova the Space Pirate, Tevin Longblade Shortsword, Forget Normal, A Damn, CJ Johnson, A Dragon sitting on its hoard of dice, Wendell Whitaker, Chumbo Wumbo, Pikachu, Smivey, Globed Roulette, Andrew Fuller, Ban Mi Hung, The Soup Witch, Fettuccine Alfredo, Cowboy and Sasquatch Hunts Bethany's, Pebbles, VV, Effie Rawlings, Megan Hazen, Philip Your Dad Is Not Your Dad, Nick Borrow, Midnight Plumber, His Royal Highness Mr.

1:54:53Tess Segal:Hamilton Underfoot Kitty I and Accomplice Princess Penelope, the Marchioness of Mischief and Maven of Mystery, Megan Gentry, Mr. Cherry, Our Ass is in the Jackpot, Tubby Teddy, Wayne Heiser, India Inkblot, Slev of Bahamut, Omi Gracie, Dalton Jenkins, Cat Holtz, Calarton the Tired Knight, The True Mega Mike, Fred and George, Ava Maddox Jr., Liza Wirth, Cass Williams, Christy, Yeet My Boy, 46 Tool Shed 2, and L. Marie Catastrophe, The Image Collector, Blended Music, Definitely Not Kevin, Sitting Squirrel, Patricia E. Melt says in a world of slugbots, be a hugbot. Red the Gray, the Silver Crow, Couch Potato Alex, Neverchild, Dr.

1:55:34Tess Segal:Nassos, Interdimensional Biologist, Kiboko Dunord, Kozamine, Theodrax, Joey B, Lucas Barding got his barber to listen to Midnight Burger, Little Debbie Cupcake. Taryn says, hey, Oreos are rabbit. Sandalwood Mountain offers peace for your soul. Whimsical fuckery, Megan with an H, Patricia the Time Lord, Mango Connoisseur, the Big Moose and his wife, the little moose, that old glory coal, GL Meownaise Cat Butler, O'Sheen Liu, Alex Berry, Andrew Oakden, Asymmetrical Exile, Magpie Cat Says Everything's a Bag of Holding If You Know How to Pack, Churro the Space God, Eliza Travels the Universe, Lindsay Bowen the Goddamn Podcast Lawyer, Alex Spruce, Dr.

1:56:16Tess Segal:D. Birdcloth-Sweather and Mrs. Duboptewe Birdcloth-Sweather want to say hello to the whole Spweather family. I lost my galaxy britches in a game of pants darts, Angry Ron, Dominus Caesar, Dirk Adub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, The Wild Thistle, Most Likely Cass, Jasmine James, Dr. Caberand, also known as Omni, thanks Waffle Chateau, Colorado Beekeeper, Fruitcake, Zephyr's wife has the hots for Zebulon, Zembria, Jennifer Calkins, Midday Burger, Dawn Parks, ThroatGoat666, oh my god my dad found out about my Patreon name, Princess Leia, Fish in a Bag, September, Previously Observed in the Pattern, Prime Freak, Protector of the Scottish Realm, Little Lord Stevie Pie, Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubenesque Parrot, Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubenesque Parrot, Stuck in a Pit of Skittles, Sea Squatch, Deflater Mouse, Tony Piekarski, Adrian R., The Devil from Table 12, Javier, Crazy Thadley, Cremulus is just happy to be here, The Twisted Twigster, Real Housewives of Seagius, Fae Queen, Oopsnart the probability demolition expert Showtime For my mother CCTX girl 6823 waiting on the diner Nicole Studioso

1:57:33Subway Sandwich Artist:Shovel Kay the flying penguin honks at the horde of Bethany's encroaching on their nest

1:57:38Tess Segal:Honestly, this is getting absurd Truck stop sandwich Indigo escargot Love my captain Joe Mauma Wandering biscuit Castriff Ames affection for internet protection Retro MG Night script Widget the World Watcher wearing a waistcoat and wig. Uhtred and Rose's Viking Void Vitals fueling the intergalactic fight against fascism. Yeah, not sure what I'm doing. River Brown, Senior Deuce, Warped Rider, Tim Nacy, Ruben Clamso, Turwin, Morgan Brockman, Sylvie, Friendly Neighborhood Fire Protection Engineer, Skull Bulb, Dustin Watson, Betty White 813, Randy Supreme and Queen Lancaster, Bolivar Shagnasty, The One True Cheap Con, Starscribe, Lucian Thunderstruck.

1:58:22Tess Segal:Ho ho ho, ma mama. Glorbnar 7, now granting refugee status to victims fleeing the Bethany Wars. Dooser now identifies as Roman Durge. The Other Adele. Leah Hall. Sarah May. Silly Willy Bubblebutt. Sierra Not From Arkansas. Ebenezer Boob. Caleb Tumiala. Jason Woods. Arnie Arbuckle Esquire. Potion Maestro. Nebula Nell. Regulators? Mount up. Wandering Scholar. Kringle Over Coffee. Mad Yogi Eileen. A Cat Named M. Petito Pato. Palace, Big Mo, Dominic Narwhal 8, I am Annie, I live forever in every moment I've existed, I swear to every star in the cosmos I never forgot it was a gift, the Stone Fox, Sylvia, Pepitos, Henry the Goose, Jennifer Baumer, Ninja Grim Reaper, Miles Nelson, I am a bomb till I think of something else to do, Brrrritwords, Hotshot Huntley, Momo's Mama, Space Mormon Says What?

1:59:14Tess Segal:Ivy Paisley, Toast, Sue Watts, Myrtle, Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution, Matlock, Lord of the Thirteenth Sea Mr. Trigvie, The Fourth Era Printing with Cats, Khaleesi Del Mar Von Vega, Dixie Dinah 7 ,000 Possums KBS 1017, Silas Vex Sarah Jack Sparrow's Space Pony Revibe, Debbie E Dusty Ventures and his pilot Uzi Drifting Through Space Ronnie Porter, Gloria's Line Cook Eagle Rock Lobster, The Gabbiest Painter and Her Bird of Fire Painted Oni, Q-Del, Pharrell Emily with two Es, Spaceman Nathan, Ramsey's Niblick III, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops Where's My Thribble, Jackie Wavelet, Yayoi Gagarin, A Gremlin with the Munchies, Michelle Scaracchio, Genuine Jacob, Space Rooster Randy, Leopard Donut, Poofy Thang, Mellow Nuggets, Keychain Crap, Matt Matt Sharkman, SteeLo, Bumbling Lilybee, A Quick Pause So Joe Can Sip From His Tiny Tea Cup.

2:00:09Subway Sandwich Artist:You know, you can get a tea pet, which is a tiny clay sculpture that doesn't have a soul. But when you pour the tea over it, the tea gives it a soul, which is some serious Gollum making bullshit. Panda.

2:00:26Tess Segal:Kennedy Allison Farner, the perpetually tired transgender time traveler. Tristan Stolz. Dalen Y. Shadow Rapture. Yet Another Nicole. Hank the Wonder Llama. R-Craft. Russell. Zephyrus Wind. The Ornamental Hermit. Jay to the Lynn, Just a Regular Fox, Jeremy Impson, What the Hell, Cineplex, and All the Black People in North Carolina, Just Rachel, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Danger Girl, Atlas Bear, Ava Cigarette Ash, Hugh Biffed It, A-Zeus, Anaphylaxis, Scav with Comtax, The Shape-Shifting Sad Girl and Her Girlfriend Say, Joe, You've Done It Again, Pipless Skin in the Pippi Pond, Sarah Nicole, The Kells Fights with the Bethanies, Angry Leafs Lasersaw, Magnus Aerochill, Amy Perry, Christopher Kai, Source Decay, Descendant of the Sweather Catfish Whisperer, Vagabond Mary, Bold Mouse, Katie Mermaid, and the Delinquent Duo, Nauman, Nicole, Victor Schauberger, Reincarnated as White Mountain Hillbilly Glitter Cupcake, Max Dangers, Security Chief Schatzi, The Anxious Peach, Team Michelle and Billy, Naya Nix Reno, Frankenator, Nortlebash, Jordan, R1X Belasco, Ryan Rosinski, Average Height, Medium Rage, Audio Monkey, Joe, Team Hefeweizen, Kay.

2:01:37Tess Segal:In the mysterious AZHQ, I'll grant you that we have a multiplicity of Mike's, a jumble of James's, a trifecta of Tony's, one of whom still wants to be Leif, but sadly, no Bethany's. Rowan, Vady of the Black and Herald of the Stars. Arianne Can't Manage Normal. Ryan Burnett, Dr. Dr. B, Zoprez and the Bumble Army, Growing Into My Farm Boots. Superbeth Becomes an RN, Alongside My Bootstop Farm Friend. Geneva Boss, Arkansan, Not Ark and Sawyer, Brothers of the Cosine. Uncivil Gnomes. The Rat Queen Evelyn, Great Lunch Conversation, Captain Scott, Letty Lou, Kinger Was Here, Bobby Ray Winland Jr., Bebop Be Dabba Doo Wop, Warped Echoes, Slabs McTerps, Big Brother House, Jeremiah Franco, Justin, The Nick of Time, Gothic Rainbow, So We Made It, Cody McClure, McHadley, Eternal Companion, Maxine Lazant, Jingolos, Eris, Goddess of Nobody, Hazmatilda, Ditzy Bay, Just Your Average Reese, Kyle Church, Static Ego, Lolly, Evan M.

2:02:36Tess Segal:Dobson, Dave B. Nobby, Your Friendly Neighborhood Pathologist, Going to Be Lit, Captain Emerald L, Wayne Hall, Danny Mars, Externally Screaming, But Bethany, I Made Biscuits, Scebo and Fuzzle McBumpernitz, Neelix Tiny Wolf, Christina Senatis Teleporting, BRB. The Shanes are not organized enough for a war, but there is a growing number of us and it is concerning. Definitely not an android, seriously I'm not. The Wandering Welshman, Whatever Tabby, Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev, Z3DT, Shy Sparrows, BLTN, The Kiwi Duckling, Dana Dana Bobena Fifi Fofena, Monsters Almanac's biggest fan, Aubrey and her dad, Tequila Mockingbird, Spweather Goose, Dameron the Space Goblin, I So Pale, Exquisite Whimsy, I Am Lord Zoltan, Hear Me Roar, Pocket Ghost Max, Mags the Conqueror imposes economic sanctions on the NB Bethany's for the whole laser saw car incident.

2:03:59Tess Segal:My cat's name is Beef. dimensional, multiphasic, intergalactic, quantum cyberverse. Verde Sol, Galen Miller, Tess, Geriatric Youngun, Mystic Hippie, Unforkable, Local Marsh Hag, Daniel Nitz, Mavis Bacons, Pyro's Calling, Joe Suasion, The Wizard Supercalifragilistic Expialidocious. Too many Jans, says. Things are bad, but we're going to win. Pamela Roselle Tierra. Then Steena says, Thud Tweed, Enigmatic Catbird, Countess of Carbon, Luminous Elk, Rhodian Caution, Love is for the Njerds. Taz Hernandez, Captain Crash and the surviving crew. It's just Tyson now. Casper needs all the hugs, but Joe needs an O2 tank.

2:04:38Tess Segal:Quote says, Joe is the writer's room. Nasty Dog 74 needs crew for ship. Brown Coats, okay. Awkward Heretic, Devin 7777, Troy Aker, Mandy Kane, Northerly Kay, Lost Basan, you know, the moon prison outside the triad. Kim Sell, Silly Goose Honk Honk, Ad Matha, Astro Unit, Ghost Saber Wolf, The Sleepy Mystic, Sarah Joy, Tater's Precious, It's Just Steve, RuPaul Atreides, Amanda Short, Chut, Grimble, Deidre, Mike Whiskey and Your Friend Frosty, Nosaguaro, Ben Bar, Stand Clear of the Closing Doors, Please, Beastly Death, Sven the Unlikely, Cognito Hazard Expunged, Ted Wassanasen, Virestria, Theosis the Theologian-ish, Why Is My Daughter So Feral, Send Help, Firmwood Gal, Nellie G, Twinkle Tots, Gemini Sky, Phantom's Moms, Callison, Hornswoglin Daniel Arthur, It's a Fucking Dog Rapture, Abigail Yodley, King Humble, We'd Better Ask Dave, Wind Chimes for Safety, Cameron Winterborne Welsh, Fireball XL5, Mackenzie Duna, Code Stranger, One Batty Bat,

2:06:13Tess Segal:Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Dale, Crystal Delightful, Gruntled, Killshot Betty and her Steel-Eyed Bow, Jackie Lowey, The Little Pigeon, Quentin Elizabeth Jones, Lily the Planetary Brain, Crazed Bear, Crafty Lizard be quilting, Noble Barrel, Yes My Brain is Weird, Thank You, Megan The Meg Young, Corey Morose, Russell Bunny, Max Savage, Jenny Wren, Apprehensive Craig, Tim Aranetta, Bacon, Nicole Studioso, Rambo, Chaos Watcher, Jeremy Baramy, Stephanie Sturgis, Kirsten, Hurry up and wait. Sarah Farmer and Belladonna, first of her name. Criddle, Twilio, Heidelberti, Tom Webster, Rashmi Vinkatesh, McClump, Azana the Leathersmith, Salazar the Dough Mage, Hayward's finest Garen Elizondo.

2:06:56Tess Segal:To my little, you'll always be my good girl. You took a piece of my heart and left a paw print on my soul. Till we meet again. Sir Shitsalot strikes again, damn animal. Ashton James, Elspeth, Skyland, ALR, Sidewalk Jam, Tonka 2005, Cruisin' B. Anthony. Trick says, weirp! Tibbled the First, Alley Frog, Trey the Turquoise Tortoise, Freya Titmittens, Courtney the Frogologist, the Funtucky Wrangler, Scrim Brulee, Yay! Aaron! The Singing Loon, Zuzanna, Celeste Yoss, I'm So Antigone Fun, I'm Ava's Evil Twin Sister Bethany, Katie and Noah, Hendrix the Stink, The Ambergler, Boodles, Osvaldo Simeone, Ashley Chapel Peoples, Ryan Ortega, Barbarian Bloodbath, The Defenestration of Ted's, Corrine Sabrantha, Shadow Daddy, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, K-Mac, The Something Something Detective Agency, Haya Buddha, Eli the Electrician, Sunny D 'Anomaly, Charmé, K-On with Karma, The Wondrous Methazephan, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Finnegan Robert, Jesse Foster, Samira, Mother of Cats, Flat Doug, Deary Darling, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Chris Hancock, Nicole 23, Gracefully Impaired, Tired Pirate Muffin, Steve King Loves Kathy, Laura, Roman Ronan, John Pruitt, Camel Pope, Philomena, Rebecca Trossel, Ygg Pei Attenlay, Chris from Tacoma, The Real Fairy Godmother, Mitzi Lu, Kelsey Holm, still Casper's number one fan but now armed with a quantum spatula and ready to duel every Bethany in the multiverse with breakfast wisdom, Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer, Matt Mosby, Saint Foo, Harry Fishnuts, Astrono-Weeb, Magnos the Civil Gnome, welcome everybody, I'm Hydelon and I'll be leading our Midnight Burger emotional support group, Starlight David Pierini Techno Ranger Rick Virgo Ares Infinity Best Buds Danny and M Charles Q.

2:08:43Tess Segal:Choi A Bug Named Nat Cece Ryder Hunter B Rudra Death the Kid Big Whiskey Ol' Cockinator Ron Was Here Magic Pony Robert Oliveri Often Wrong Dan Jess Gioia Killer Odd Creator 67 Mermaid of the Dark Seas Cosmic Shrug Incorrigible Ross SCRB Mark 11 Eric A. Rayborn Maggie's Yarm Stu Enthanomaly Megan Mighty, Haunt, Purple Saline, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Drew and LA, Anomalous Death to PSL Vandal, Fuck Ice, Captain Blep, Ryan, Evie Power, Terry, PJ Says What, Amelia Lucero, et al., Fear Now Doesn't Polish the Shiny Melon, Blargo, Blargo, Blargo, The Jazz Man, Tonight at 11,

2:09:31Tess Segal:Larak the Barbarian S, Hicks Bezzy Mates, Zealous Pragma, Tuba Rick, It's Just a Blake, Alice Malice reminds you to take your medication, please. Your health is important. Kelly Jane Dankey, Aaron the Optimist, Thomas Stolen, a.k.a. Casper from Another Universe, Chadney Ashra, Lucrezia, Thornis Animator, Tamara Oliver, The Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa, Ava. No, not that Ava, the one within.

2:09:57Subway Sandwich Artist:Grim says, rest in peace, Jamie Baugh.

2:10:00Tess Segal:You are my light and the world is dimmer without you in it. Zaki Nat, Underwater Corvid, Spizzer Ringdom, Snakes and Bakes, Michael Christian, Ransom, Maroon My Salil, Grawlix and Tarobang, Late Indeed Again, Theron Pyralis, Om Vega, Coming Soon, Dances with Burritos, Guacked and Loaded, Aaron Mitchell, Lady Keanu Meissen, Onyx Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J.R. the Hiker Bear, Velocicate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Maloran, Sweet Michelle, Kara, Call Me Zen, Colibri, Mel Momberg, Rogue, Lisa Geisler,

2:10:33Subway Sandwich Artist:Uh, attention, Dread Pirate Fred Burger, we have run out of languages.

2:10:38Tess Segal:Please contact our office. What the Chuck, Sono Nisuno, Ben and Jessica, Todd Van Voorhis, Nea DeRusso, Peachy Zatoichi, Ingi the Grack, and Azula the Brave, and their ever-faithful squire Grabthar, Jen Extraneous, Dancing Dog Dreams, Trinket Coralie, and Existentially Exhausted Bean.

2:10:58Banto:Oh my god, it's so good.

2:11:00Subway Sandwich Artist:We're not done yet. You've still got to do this part.

2:11:04Banto:X teleports.

2:11:05Subway Sandwich Artist:Sorry. I can't help it. I can't get out of the mood. Sorry. Fuck hell. Are there people who feel uncomfortable cursing still in this day and age? Are there people still out there?

2:11:21Finlay Stevenson:Joe, there are still Mormons out there.

2:11:24Subway Sandwich Artist:It's the Mormons that feel that way?

2:11:26Finlay Stevenson:It's the Mormons that feel that way. And I'm sure other religions and stuff, you know, some people just don't like it.

2:11:34Subway Sandwich Artist:Well, people need to lighten the fuck up, don't they?

2:11:37Quintin Jones, Jr.:Okay, I was going to ask, because for some reason my initial read was like trans-dimensional delivery man. Like, ooh, hot android. What's up?

2:11:54Subway Sandwich Artist:Amazing. There's a whole world in that line reading.

2:11:59Banto:I love it.

2:12:01Subway Sandwich Artist:No, I mean that whole section, because we're going to go through that.

2:12:04Banto:Oh, she stays even though the cube goes.

2:12:06Subway Sandwich Artist:Yeah, she stays even though the cube goes.

2:12:09Banto:31.

2:12:09Subway Sandwich Artist:This show is so fucking weird, dude. That's Cosby again. The cube. What the fuck did you think?

2:12:14Banto:I liked it a lot. I thought it was great. Yeah.

2:12:16Subway Sandwich Artist:I think it works great. I was worried about you, which I think is perfect. Okay, great.

2:12:23Camille Smicker:Yeah. I mean, that's why you hire speech kids. It's a room full of people who can say extrajudicially. Hey.

2:12:30Subway Sandwich Artist:That is so true. Nobody speaks faster than the fucking speech kids, dude.

2:12:35Camille Smicker:We have another leather. We do red leather, yellow leather, lavender leather.

2:12:40Subway Sandwich Artist:Whoa.

2:12:41Camille Smicker:Nerds. That makes it harder.

2:12:45Banto:Oh, my God, you guys.

2:12:50Banto:Kazi's first feeling. Aw. No, teach me.

2:12:56Edward Selvey IV:your ways how do you do that by sitting in the car for like 20 minutes before going like where's that voice how does she speak everything articulately yeah but i gotta but i gotta

2:13:10Joe Fisher:i did it double-sided which was dumb i still print my script out because i'm old-fashioned

2:13:16Subway Sandwich Artist:and i'm an idiot anyway listen we celebrate your hard copies we always have guys thank you yeah but Don't fuck up our takes, all right?

2:13:25Karim Kronfli:I know. With your rustling fucking paper. Rustling paper.

2:13:28Banto:We just want to make sure it doesn't sound like I'm on my shit.

2:13:31Finlay Stevenson:I'm back on my shit. I'm on my shit, y 'all. I am on my shit.

2:13:38Subway Sandwich Artist:I'm the boozer. I was never a kid. I'm on my shit. Woo!

2:13:44Camille Smicker:The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

2:13:50Finlay Stevenson:Welcome to Magenta Presents, a new horror anthology hosted by me, Madam Magenta. We begin with the five-part miniseries Ghosted, starring Beth Eyre and Lucy Roslin. Perched on a rain-battered cliff edge is a former lighthouse. It's a charming, quirky boutique hotel. Owner and soul-occupant Beth has spent months renovating, absorbing its essence into her bones. It's an old building. You'll get used to it. But to Beth's horror, her first guest is a figure from a past she has tried to forget. Kira? Beth? What the fu - Face to face for the first time in years, a pair must reckon with old mistakes, old grievances.

2:14:32Finlay Stevenson:Beth, speak to me.

2:14:33Karim Kronfli:Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up! And something else. Oh, I can't bear it. What is that noise? Because the lighthouse has a past, too. Beth? He's right there. Why is there blood on your hands? We need to get out of here. Kira! Kira! I can still see him!

2:14:55Finlay Stevenson:Subscribe to Magenta Presents wherever you listen to podcasts. See you soon, fans of the esoteric. Bye! Bye!

2:15:06Quintin Jones, Jr.:Magenta Presents.