Omega Station Part 2 of 3

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0:43Omega Station, this is Iris Actual. Do you copy?

0:50Omega Station, do you copy? Lars, are you there? Hey! Hey! Hey, hey. Lars? It worked! I can't believe it. Are you okay? I am a genius. Lars! You know, Hieronymus told me that this was a terrible plan and that I was being childish, and look at me now. Lars, try to focus for a second, okay? Doctor, how have you been? How have you been? How have I been? Well, two weeks ago, I was informed that I was being transferred to the refugee station in Maine. So I packed up my kit bag and jumped on a C-130. Maine. That's where lobsters are. And then ten days later, I get a rush order to pack my things back up and return to my previous post.

1:55Yes, you did. Because I had a plan. Because my former patient was performing what they had nicknamed a self-hostage situation? It's an inartful term, but I would expect that from the military. Hopefully, in the future, they will call it the Laskum Maneuver. The Laskum Maneuver being when an officer consistently gets drunk for his broadcast sessions until his demands are met? Yes, but you're not describing it right. How should I describe it? As a patriotic act, I only did what's best for the mission. There is no way that's true. Wait, are you still drinking? Yeah, of course I am. I didn't know you were coming.

2:39I thought I would have to blather drunkenly at the next rube they put in front of the microphone. I still have a full lab of beaker of booze. Do I want to know how you managed to make booze three billion miles from Earth? Did you build a tiki bar up there? I didn't, but damn, that is a fantastic idea. Maybe a neon sign that says Coors. Soon, Pluto will be planet man cave. Seriously, though. Seriously, though. I had to adopt a prison mentality. I thought to myself, how do prisoners get drunk? And in my research, I discovered a love letter to human ingenuity. Pruno. Oh, God. Called Pruno because it was originally made using prunes and a toilet.

3:37Gross. How did you get prunes in space? Well, it's a bit of a misnomer now. It hasn't been made with prunes for many iterations. It's really just made of any sort of fruit and a hot lamp of some sort. There's an ordinary little blackberry bush in the ag dome. And I said, fruit, check. Hot lamp, check. Next thing you know, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk. I'm so torn between thinking this is a sweet gesture and trying to maintain some sort of professionalism. Oh, I am shocked. shocked, I say, to find that there's still professionalism down there. Yeah, I may be the lone holdout, but they can have my Hippocratic Oath when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.

4:27That's the spirit, Doctor. Give me stethoscope or give me death. Okay, speaking of that, Lars, while this conversation is exactly as entertaining as I thought it would be, I will have conditions. Of course, of course. Fire away. I admire the ingenuity, but I think I think we can both agree that getting drunk in space is incredibly dangerous. Doctor, if it's so dangerous, why do I feel invincible? I'm serious, Lars. I know, I know. You know, when I was on Earth, I never felt too much like drinking. It wasn't a thing I did. Yes, and let's recapture that feeling, okay? Okay. You can't be drunk while monitoring a volatile reactor.

5:14Well, it sounds like someone's never been to Russia. Lars. I promise, I promise. What are your other conditions? That's it, really. At the risk of legitimizing your childish behavior, I'm glad I'm back. Me too. That was some pretty bad news you laid on me right before we were cut off. I know. I know. I still don't know if it was the right thing. It was. I mean, for humans it was. Maybe not for the NASA whack jobs. They can still hear me, right? Yep. Whack jobs! But it was the human thing. Me telling you Earth as we know it is doomed? Well, yes. People should tell each other the truth in times like this.

6:10It's not like you can do anything about it. It's just more stress. And stress can lead to performance erosion. Right, always managing performance erosion. I know the mission criteria, too. Erosion. I'm a river delta all of a sudden. People monitoring my erosion. The criteria's there for a reason. Who's left? What do you mean? On Earth. How many people are left? Lars, just because I told you what I told you... Come on. Just because I told you what I told you doesn't mean I bombard you with statistics. It's too much. I'm guessing a third of the population's gone. But there's no way to really tell because you can't get a reliable information from the infected areas.

7:04Yes. No end in sight. No. Well.

7:15That sucks It really does I mean, I was never a fan of Earth But still I was a fan, call me old-fashioned Where are you from? Wait, I can guess New Mexico No Colorado? No

7:42Missouri. You're bad at this. I'm from Eureka, California. Ah, where the hell is that? It's north of San Francisco. Where the weed comes from. I thought that was Napa. Napa is wine. North of that is the weed. I see. There is literally a town there called weed. I admire its directness. More towns should do that. Hi, I'm from Corn, Iowa. Hi, I'm from Russet, Idaho. You're now passing through Colby Jack, Minnesota. Welcome to Holy Shit Fucking Alligators, Florida.

8:26Oh, wow. We just named a bunch of ghost towns, didn't we? Yes. I mean, they would be if they actually existed. One of the NASA guys showed me satellite footage of my hometown. It's a little town on the coast, and now it's completely taken over by seals. Seals? They're everywhere. Flopping their way down Main Street. It's been evacuated. There's no people there anymore, so I guess they just took over. Oh, what an adorable apocalypse. Mm-hmm. Serves us right, I guess. They probably hated those tricks we made them do. Well, the ball's on the other nose now, isn't it, Lars? Now I'm just imagining seals all dressed in townspeople clothing, like seal baker, seal mailman.

9:21The seal mayor would have a nice little sash around him and some sort of curly mustache. That's exactly right. Yeah, as adorable as that is, it's still pretty fucking grim, Lars. It is. I know.

9:42But I have a plan. A plan? Does this plan involve your space wine? The space wine was just phase one of the plan. It's time for phase two now. Okay. What's phase two? I'll be honest. I'm a little too drunk to talk about phase two. But let me assure you, it is very real and very much the second part of the plan. Okay. Before we hit phase two, can we do a phase 1.5 where you stop drinking and get some rest? Yes. Good. I'll do that.

10:30I, uh I thought I lost you I thought I lost you I'm right here Okay I have a plan Okay Good night, Lars Good night

11:06Thank you.

11:27Joe Fisher:five and seven? Status report is that there is fucking ice all over fucking everything. An actual status report, Svi? Five and seven clear in 90 minutes. We've got another geyser outside of field three. Serious? Check the cameras. Fucking hell. They're gonna have to go back to three after they're done. This is second shift. You're going to tell them that? Yes, I am going to tell them that. I'll also tell them that if they don't clear the solar field, we don't have enough power reserves. And if we don't have enough power reserves, we die. Do you think they'll be adequately motivated? Remember episode of Star Trek where they go to the alien planet and everyone is sexy and wearing sexy clothes?

12:18Joe Fisher:You just described every episode of Star Trek. I am saying they inspire us to go to space, and it is scraping ice, not sexy. You'd think scraping ice would remind you of home. One consistent thing about people not from Poland. They have no idea what Poland is like. When I think of Poland, I just think of potato soup. We have a lot of potato soup, that is true. But it also has sausage in it. And you are breaking the food rule. I said sausage, now you want sausage. God damn it. Fuck you, Poland. Geyser is still going. This is a big one. Field three is going to be covered in snow.

13:18Joe Fisher:You know, I was one of those people that hated Christmas. I was always glad to see the family pack up their shit and leave. Now I live on a moon where it's Christmas every goddamn day. I'm making tea. Do you want some? I don't want, because it's not really tea. Zvi, yes or no? Yeah, okay.

14:04Joe Fisher:What the hell is this?

14:16Joe Fisher:Who's on comms? Let me rephrase that. Who the hell is playing music through the comm system right now? And how excited are you to have straight I-Studio next week? Also, what the hell is this song?

14:37Joe Fisher:God damn it, Svi? Svi, where are you? Yeah, I am hearing it. Is this pop music in Poland? This is not me. Where is it coming from? From someone else. Everyone else is scraping ice, Svi. Are they puking us? Punk? Are they punking us? Yes. Svi, I'm pretty sure the protocol up here is that the captain asks the chief engineer where a sound is coming from, and then that question is answered. Hang it up a minute. What the fuck is this song? It's not us. What do you mean? External signal. No joke. From where? Don't know. Okay. Well, that breaks up the monotony. Why couldn't a stray signal be some disco, right?

15:28You know, Poland...

15:30Joe Fisher:I know. Poland has its own version of disco and it's far superior. So much to be proud of. Hey, could this be a radio broadcast from Earth from a long time ago and it's just reaching us now? This is probably from what? 1920? Radio signal travels at speed of light once it's in the vacuum of space. This signal would be at the other side of the galaxy by now. You live in space. You should know more about the space. Learn about the chain of command and I'll learn some space facts. Gamma Station, this is Iris Actual. Do you read me? What the fucking hell is that? Gamma Station, this is Iris Actual.

16:14Do you read? This is Gamma Station.

16:17Joe Fisher:Identify yourself, please. Um, hi. I'm Jill. Svi? Standard radio signal. That's impossible. Uh, hey, Jill? This is a military outpost. Do you want to give me some proper identification? Yes, sorry. This is Lieutenant J.G. Jill Menneker of NASA Special Command, broadcasting on a special emergency frequency from Earth. Svi, were you going to tell me about a special emergency frequency anytime soon? It's bullshit. It's regular frequency. Again, impossible. Hey there, Lieutenant Menneker broadcasting on a special emergency frequency. There's no such thing as a special emergency frequency. Also, I've been told recently that I don't know enough space facts, but I'm pretty sure for you to be talking to me in real time from Earth defies the laws of physics.

17:10I told you she wouldn't go for it.

17:11Joe Fisher:Lars! Who is that? Wait, Lars. Lieutenant, is that you? Hey, Captain. How the fucking fuck is happening? Jill, we really need to work on our approach next time. What do you mean? I think it's going great. Okay, I need one person to speak to me immediately and tell me what is happening on my station. Lars, have you ditched? Are you in your escape vehicle? Are you buzzing my tower? My escape vehicle's not functioning, Ruby. I'm still on Pluto. Not possible. I know, Svi, but here we are having a conversation. Here's the deal. For the past several months, I have been engaging in a top-secret DoD experiment on Omega Station And I'm the mission liaison on Earth.

18:00We've been testing an experimental communications array that allows us to talk in real time across the system. Fuck off. It's regular radio signal. It uses standard radio frequencies. How? Explain how. I can't. They won't tell me how it works. Okay, stop.

18:24Joe Fisher:This has got to be the most horse shit non-military way of rolling out this information you could have possibly chosen. I'm with the captain on this one. So what the hell would be the right way? Maybe not with an opening song, Lieutenant. The song was to get your attention. You sent me a mission profile. You send me protocols. You don't do this Mickey Mouse shit. Ruby, none of that means anything anymore. Oh, is that what you've decided? Why am I not surprised? You're not getting the news from Earth that I'm getting. We are getting it. You are? Svi. It's okay. Yes, we get it. I, uh, you know, a little Polish grease.

18:56Of course. Polish grease. They send us all the news, but it is encrypted in secret file. Encryption is shit. I break it in four hours.

19:06Joe Fisher:We know about the Pacific. We know about the Mississippi. We know about Australia. But can we get back to how us talking is completely impossible? I apologize about the secrecy. The secrecy wasn't my choice. I was testing this array with the DOD. I'm the only one left on Omega Station, and since I was the only one they could test the array with, I started making demands. And your demand was to phone a friend? Among other things, yes. Reaching out to other people. Not surprising coming from you, Lars. Hey, a few billion kilometers, suddenly I'm a whole new man. So let me sum up here. If you sum it up, it's going to sound way worse than it actually.

19:49Joe Fisher:To sum up, you have effectively seized control of an experimental, no, revolutionary communications array, and you have no idea how it works. And even though we're currently using this mystery device, they're not going to tell us how it works. No, I highly doubt it. Well, that is a dick move, isn't it? I work with them, and I can confirm that they are tremendous dicks. Svi? Yeah? Figure out how this thing works. Yeah. Jesus Christ, to what end, Lieutenant? Why are you doing this? Okay. I have a plan. Actually, guys, if I could just jump in here real quick. This is a lot for everyone. We're all taking in a lot of information, and I think we need to take a step back for a minute.

20:40We don't want issues hovering over us. We don't want them coming up the wrong times. Everyone can get so wrapped up in duties that we steamroll over other issues, and then they come up at inopportune times. So, Captain, before we get into anything else, are there any questions you want to ask Lars about your sister?

21:05Joe Fisher:Jesus Christ, they made the mission liaison a shrink, didn't they? They did. And I've heard all the jokes, most of them from Lars. And just to get it all out of the way, we are all very impressed by how tough you all are. You are astronauts. You are brave. You are American heroes, blah, blah, blah, etc. Now that I've said all that, Captain, is there anything you would like to ask Lieutenant Laskin about your sister? Steve? Still working! Do I want to know how it happened? Ruby, I don't know.

21:43We weren't even halfway through our trip, and we started having environmental problems. It was a leaky boat the whole way. The oxygen mixture in her cabin failed while she was asleep. She died peacefully.

21:59Joe Fisher:I told him that fucking design was flawed. I told him to scrap it and start from the beginning. It was four missions being developed very fast because the design team thought the world was coming to an end. Turns out they were right. What did you do with her body? Well, when things started to get tenuous, we had a meeting about last rites. She wanted to be, you know, buried at sea. If our timing was correct, her body is now orbiting Neptune. That sounds like her. I guess it's a step up from the family plot in Spartanburg. There are worse places to spend eternity, I can tell you that. Jupiter and Saturn are so massive and bright, but Neptune...

22:55Neptune sneaks up on you somehow. You know you're approaching it, but you can't see anything. And then suddenly it moves out of the darkness, this deep blue giant. Looks like it's thinking about something. like it's lost in thought. Like she always was.

23:17Joe Fisher:I'm sorry you're out there all alone, Lars. At least I still have a crew of shitheads to yell at. Well, according to my doctor, who, whether you like it or not, is now your doctor, I am perfectly suited to this particular situation. I in no way said you were perfectly suited to - What I mean is... I'm going to be okay. Bots and Bosh! Zvi? Some fucked up shit going on, Chief. What's happening? Sending you an image from the orbiter two hours ago. Can you get it to me? I don't know it. Hey, Dr. Lady. Is that me? Is there a data stream on this frequency? Oh, yes. We use it to play Scrabble. The fuck?