2715: 7 Lies That Destroy Men

0:00If you want to pump your body and expand your mind, there's only one place to go. Mind pump, Mind Pump with your hosts, Sal DiStefano, Adam Schaefer, and Justin Andrews. You just found the most downloaded fitness, health, and entertainment podcast. This is Mind Pump. Today's episode, seven terrible lies that destroy men. This is all based on data and, of course, our own experience. By the way, this episode is brought to you by Deep Clean Coaching. If you go to deepcleancoaching.com forward slash Mind Pump, you can get free training and free resources to help quit the terrible habit of pornography.

0:38It's incredibly destructive. Lots of data shows how destructive it is on many, many aspects, including relationships, self-esteem, even sexual performance. Again, if you go to deepcleancoaching.com forward slash mind pump, you'll get some free training to help you quit this terrible habit. Also this month, we have a sale. MAPS GLP one is half off. This is a workout program with diet advice, supplement advice, and lifestyle advice for people who are using Ozempic, semaglutide, terzepatide, Wagovi. If you're using a GLP-1 and you want to maximize the fat loss and keep the muscle, this is the program for you.

1:13Go check it out. Go to mapsglp1.com. Use the code GLP50 for 50 % off. All right, real quick, if you love us like we love you, why not show up by rocking one of our shirts, hats, mugs, or training gear over at mindpumpstore.com. I'm talking right now. Hit pause, head on over to mindpumpstore.com. That's it. Enjoy the rest of the show. Fellas, it's a dangerous world out there. There's a lot of things that could damage you, harm you, or destroy you, but there are some things that are more damaging than others, particularly because they're sold to you as accepted lies. We're going to talk about seven of those lies that are destroying men.

1:51Let's get into it. i don't remember when we we did something kind of like this i know a couple of the things that we're going to talk about were in that but it definitely stirred up some controversy so it'll be interesting i'm curious to see if the the tone of the audience or our culture right now climate's changing is changing a little bit since that because i feel like i think so a lot's happened since that that podcast i think so and we'll find out i guess shortly yeah what makes the ones we're going to talk about today so dangerous is that they're sold uh as harmless uh you know not you know not a big deal harmless or even positive some of them are positive yeah sold to as positive so they're damaging because uh you you buy into the lie that they're good for you or that they're harmless so there are a lot of things out there that like if i were to say like number one hard drugs right i think everybody'd be like duh like everybody knows hard drugs will destroy you um But the ones we're going to talk about are oftentimes overlooked or even sold to us as good, which makes them incredibly damaging.

3:01So I'll start with the first one, which is pornography. And the lie around pornography is it's not a big deal. Nobody's getting hurt. Like, what's the big deal? Like, you're looking at some videos or some pictures. Like, how is this going to really harm me? Now, I could pull up. I have data. And today I think more men than ever are aware of some of the damaging effects of pornography. So I'll go over what the data says, okay? Porn users have reduced gray matter volume in reward-related areas. They have altered functional connectivity and hypofrontality, meaning the frontal lobe of the brain isn't as active as it could be.

3:46um they're hyper reactive to cues uh so these are off these are typically like um porn related cues so their brains kind of get wired for that and then they have a dopamine reward system that is damaged and desensitized so let's talk about those for a second so all of those point to a brain uh that has adapted to for all intents and purposes a drug yeah a drug and so you perceive reward differently and you're desensitized to things that you normally would be sensitized to. And this is incredibly destructive for relationships. And it also changes how you are around sex and sexual arousal. And I think a lot of men are starting to realize this.

4:37Destroys intimacy. I mean, it really puts damage at least in between that connection that you have with your partner um it's just one of those things it's it's elusive it's something that you don't really notice right away uh it may act as a stimulant in that direction but can really take a hold of you is it the same thing or similar to what processed foods does to you in comparison to eating whole foods like and it's so which is why if you eat a highly processed diet you may notice things like fruit tastes bland that's right and you don't enjoy it water you can't drink you don't like drinking it because it's so bland uh versus somebody who is strictly on a whole food diet uh biting into a juicy apple or peach is like one of the most enjoyable things you possibly can is it very what's going on a on a neurological level is it similar what's happening yeah very much so um and even uh you know as they track even pornography trends uh start to they're over time have become more and more and more extreme and the term they'll use is hardcore because the normal consumer is becoming desensitized to the normal stuff which novelty and why why you brought it to that comparison because uh if if i don't know how aware you are of that with your own personal habits or behaviors but you know i've had enough times in my life where i've had my diet way out of whack and in check and in times where there's a little bit of processed food versus a lot of processed food and it's interesting how much your palate changes and how much you can have these like ultra processed sweet greasy foods when you slowly adapt to it you go hand me a twinkie dipped in grease and i would i'll be on the toilet throw or be just too much i couldn't handle that.

6:29But if I ate fast food once a day for long enough, and then I ate fast food twice a day long enough, then that stuff, it's interesting how much your palate starts to adapt and move, and then you only crave that really greasy, nasty, highly processed types of foods. And so it seems like it's almost similar like that too. It's like, maybe it starts off with just a little bit of like innocent pornography here and there and then it's like oh that doesn't really work like it used to work and so i need a little more hardcore or a little more novel it seems like it's a very similar progression this data is on what they considered uh regular porn users which is three to four times a week we know what the average pornography user uh uses three to four times a week so a lot of people are like well this is only damaging uh if you're like an addict and it's like, you know, getting in the way of work and stuff like that.

7:23Like, no, the average user is having a lot of these types of issues. And it changes how you perceive things. It encourages objectifying yourself and other bodies. And there are mirror neurons in the brain that are activated when you're observing certain things that then are probably going to change your behaviors. And now the evidence of this is how you'll see men, this is quite common now, who have erectile dysfunction when they're with their partner because it's not as stimulating as pornography. Or reports of men who ask their partners to do things that they see in pornography because the mirror neurons are activated.

8:09This voyeurism is one of them because you're watching people do things and you're literally wiring your brain to want to watch rather than be involved. So it's incredibly damaging and it's damaging spiritually as well. You are looking at sex and through this one narrow thing, which is stimulating and maybe pleasure although I would say it's beyond pleasure, and it's completely negating all the other benefits that come from a healthy sex life. And then the data shows that people with the most rewarding sex lives are people in their 60s who've been married forever, who don't consume pornography or never have.

8:57So the data is very clear on this. There's such a positive and rewarding side to this that I think is the better thing to focus on than just purely the avoiding or abstaining from the pornography thing. Similar to what I would focus on with a client who I'm trying to get to eat whole foods is that, man, you know how cool it is that when you abstain from all these processed foods and avoid eating that way and you eat all whole foods, you know how enjoyable a bowl of grapes or a peach becomes? The same thing is when you abstain from things like pornography and doing stuff like that. You do that and then, oh my God, sex with your partner becomes incredible.

9:38And so there's a reward at the end of that too. So it's not just purely, you know, sacrificing, uh, watching that, uh, that addictive stuff. It's also you're rewarded for that by being able to do it. I think that's something more to focus on the positive of that than making people feel like, Oh, you just shouldn't do this because it's bad. Here's where it's like the destructive forces of this are above and beyond what we're talking about. So, uh, you know, we're talking about, and it kind of sounds like we're talking about men in relationships, right? So you're kind of a grown man relationship, it damages relationship with your spouse, whatever.

10:11But when you look at young users like teenage boys, um, it zaps a young man's drive to go out and try to put, to put his crap together to try to clean himself up a little bit. So when you're a young man, your drive to pursue and speak to the opposite sex. Or just attract another mate. You clean yourself up. You get stronger. You get successful. These are the things that you want to do to attract a partner. You're a 15-year-old boy. Yeah. And you've got this drive. Built into our DNA. You've got to go outside, and you've got to go talk to a girl. And talking to a girl is not nothing. Like, in order to talk to a girl, she's not going to pay attention to you.

10:51Lots of barriers there. Yeah. You've got to get over your fear. You're going to get rejected. so you got to deal with that. You got to present yourself as confident, but not a jerk. You got to clean yourself up a little bit. Like, you know, women's bar is higher. And so a young man has to go out and learn how to clean himself up a little bit and build confidence in order to do this. Young men, and the data shows this quite clearly, do not approach girls anymore and they don't go out anymore. In fact, at most, they'll approach a girl online. So what it's done is it's neutered men. It's neutered teenage men.

11:26And then they become, and then they go into their twenties and they're like, ah, I don't know what to do. In fact, I'd rather be at home on this comfortable thing. That's not scary. Uh, so it's actually a driver that teaches men how to kind of, now it's not the only thing. There's lots of things that teach a man to grow up, but I'm a, I mean, I know this, right? Growing up in the nineties, pornography was not very accessible. You had to like, get out of your room. You had to like dress a particular way. You couldn't look like an idiot. it. You had to present yourself, learn how to tell a joke, be charismatic, you know, approach, you know, get the fear.

11:58Okay. I got to get a, you know, get some, you know, build up a little confidence. Let's go up there and make this happen. I know you're going to get rejected a few times. And it's like, this is a part of what takes a boy from part of, it's not all of it, but part of what makes a boy a man. Like you take a 15 year old boy with a smartphone access to more novelty of pornography or imaging that no King had a thousand years ago. No, nobody who ruled the kingdom had that kind of novelty. Now a 15 year old boy has that on his phone. He's, he's not going anywhere. I'm staying home. You've zapped that energy.

12:28And so, and that has long lasting effects. And we're seeing this now with these generations as they're growing up with pornography. They don't go out, they don't pursue, they don't talk because that's been taken from them. Well, especially leading into the next one you're going to point out, because that's the other place that men get the challenge that is built into us. Again, this, this thing that's built in us to want to level up, to conquer, to get better, to win, to do this that we have built in us is now getting satisfied by video games. That's right. So I'm getting neutered by the, you know, constant dopamine hits of pornography that sedates me sexually and eliminates the drive to go out and try and find a real mate.

13:10And then that's still that inner drive that makes me want to compete and build and conquer and win is getting fulfilled in Call of Duty where I'm doing that in a video game. That's right. It's the other thing that's paired with this. And the lie there is it's just fun. Like, what's the big deal? You're just having fun. Again, nobody's getting hurt type of deal. But you're absolutely right, Adam. In a young man, the desire to, and when you say conquer, we're not talking about like you're going to go out and like start a war. It's like you go out and you find challenges and adventures. Like there's a drive that you have as a young man to go find adventures, to find challenges.

13:46To explore, take risks, take chances. And you're going to fail sometimes, get myself back up, try again. These are very important lessons, and this is an important driver that turns a young man into a man who can lead a family. What it looked like in the 80s was you go with your buddies, you get your BMX bike, you build the dirt ramp, you put one of your friends underneath it, you see if you can clear him. That's right. Sometimes you make it, sometimes you don't. If you can simulate something on a video game now that's far more engaging than that is, and so why gossip? It saps us of that because now instead of going out and pursuing real world challenges.

14:23There's no real risk to it. No, you're just beating level 35. Yeah. And you're just at home. But it still gives you that artificial hit. That's right. That makes you think that you are. Because, and anybody who's played in those games, conquering or leveling up or winning does give you a rush and a drive. And it has its own addictive properties to it. Who wants to play a video game that you never lose? You win no matter what. Right. Nobody. It's the challenge. And you ask yourself, why do we have that? Why do we enjoy that? It's meant for going out and growing and pursuing and trying. And so what's happened is we've neutered.

14:57We've become neutered because instead we're expressing that energy on complicated, challenging video games. And not to mention they've evolved so much like processed foods. These video games, the science that has gone into them. When we were kids, because we played video games too, and I feel so blessed when we grew up in the 80s when the video game market was just, I mean, they were just figuring the science on how can they put it on the screen when we were kids. And that was such a huge accomplishment. Nobody was talking about then how do we make these kids addicted to it to where they don't want to put it down.

15:33where that's the conversation the engineering that goes into gaming now the amount of science and money and research is how do we get these kids to not want to put it down and want to keep going and want to play for hours that wasn't even part of the thought process in the 80s when nintendo was hitting the market it was like can we make this thing happen you gotta start all the way over right and that would really piss you off and they eliminated that because they understood that this would keep them playing much longer if they could just respawn. That's right, 100%. It's replaced physical games, which physical games have far more value, not just the physicality, but the organization required, the social aspect of it.

16:15And when you're playing physical games outside, it tends to turn into lots of different games and lots of different adventures. It's literally zapped us of this. of the, and you know this because you, if you know a guy, uh, that, uh, plays a lot of video games, he doesn't do much else. He's at home playing video games all the time. By the way, you know, it's funny as you go, as we go through these, we're listing characteristics that are turnoffs to women. In fact, when women do, cause they have this innate, like, okay, like a guy that plays a lot of video games in his mid twenties, not attractive.

16:50In fact, they've listed that as one of the least attractive qualities or hobbies. So yeah, and this is the one, by the way, that got us all the heat last time. A lot of guys get really mad talking about this, but it is literally zapping this drive that you have to go challenge yourself because you're just trying to beat different levels. Yeah, and I'm usually, again, this is a bit controversial, but I'm advocating for more risky type sports to be involved in. And again, there's so much science out there now. We're over-scienced and we're definitely padded in our approach, which has like safety is definitely an element that we kind of have to reconcile with.

17:28It's like, you know, what is our limitation? What are we comfortable with, you know, with our kids especially? But this is something that parents really need to consider. Like what kind of experience are you going to present with your child? Because if you're going to now remove like all like a risky sport like football, for instance, because of some studies about CTE or things that are scary about it, you know, you're robbing them of so much of an experience that is lifelong. And it lasts in every element of life when it comes to teamwork, when it comes to working with difficult people, when it comes to overcoming immediate difficult challenges.

18:05uh so just to put that out there is like you know a challenge really consider what it is that you're removing uh and you're replacing yeah what are you trading it with what are you trading and i 100 think that i would rather my kid play a dangerous sport like football or boxing than be playing video games for four hours a night for sure all day every day because of what the long-term effects of that does on that the motivation of that kid and his brain and what we're talking about right now i'd rather roll the dice with those two sports which i know i've got a lot of publicity around how dangerous they can be related to cte that i think is a a much better risk than thinking that i'll just let him play video games because that's safe he can't get hurt that way way worse right right next up is uh the lie that he who dies with more toys wins or that buying things will make you happy.

19:04The data on this is really interesting. They've done lots of studies on this. In fact, I pulled up some data on just this right here and how happy does buying things actually make you? Well, first off, it's called - So short. It's called hedonistic adaptation or the hedonistic treadmill. This is where you get this initial joy from buying something, but it quickly fades as you adapt to that thing that you bought. And then if you buy that same thing again, there's zero. In other words, you buy brand new shoes or a cool watch, and you get that spike in happiness, and then it fades very quickly. If you bought that exact same watch or shoes, there's nothing anymore.

19:45It's now adapted. Studies on extreme situations, lottery winners, for example, show that they're no happier 18 months later than before. Lottery is a lot. You're winning millions of dollars. A year and a half later, you're right back to where you were before. So buying things is a terrible use of money when it comes to happiness. You know what the data shows? Experience. Experiences are far more valuable. So instead of buying something, buying an experience. What's better than buying an experience is buying something that makes you grow as a person. Or education. For somebody else. That's the number one.

20:22Yeah. Number one ROI for using your money to make yourself happier is to use your money to help someone else. What they find in the data with that is when you take money and let's say you donate it to a charity or to a family or someone to really help them, you get happy. The happiness actually doesn't really fade. And then every time you think about it, for the rest of your life, you get the same happiness. So every time you think about, oh, 10 years ago, man, I gave money to my cousin who was really having a tough time or to that charity or I supported that single mom. You get that same spike of happiness.

20:57So when people say, like, why do you buy things? And ultimately, it boils down to, well, it's going to make me happier. The best ROI is actually in helping other people. The worst ROI is in buying things. Yeah, I don't think this one is singled out to men. I think this has plagued our entire society. I think our entire society has been built on this. This is what makes the economy go around and for it to grow. We're marketed to that this is happening. Yeah, and we're also taught that it's good. It's good. We want to keep growing GDP. The only way we keep growing GDP is keep buying the new shirts, the new shoes, the new watches, the new clothes, the new cars, and that's how it grows.

21:34That's how the economy goes better. That's how we all win, and so we've been sold that that's the way to live. And so I don't think this is just isolated to men at all. I think this is just our entire society. And I think at one point you come to this realization and hopefully you're lucky enough to come to that realization younger or sooner in your life because you quickly find how unfulfilling or how short-lived those things are. And it's like, man, if you're constantly just chasing or moving the goalpost, you'll spend most of your time unhappy and it will never be fulfilled from that. Yeah.

22:08And that's connected to the next one, which is your value as a man is really just how much you can earn. And it's very connected to the first one, which is consuming. And now I understand why this lie exists. And it's because men are often perceived as the breadwinners. Part of what a woman will find attractive in a man is your ability to provide. So I get that. But when you get caught up in this lie, you end up sacrificing more important things for how much you can earn. And so you see a lot of men sacrificing their families, sacrificing their relationships in pursuit of a bigger paycheck. And so they're trying to get this bigger paycheck, meanwhile, not spending time with their children or destroying the relationship with their wife because they constantly sacrifice their relationship.

22:58It becomes a selfish pursuit. A completely selfish pursuit. And I bought this one, hook, line, and sinker for years as a young man and paid dearly for this one. And now I realize just how much of a lie it is. I mean, how much you earn is important. It's not the most important thing. It's more about that you can provide for your family and not so much the dollar amount. I did this study and 90 % of women said they prefer a man that has created his own wealth over one that has inherited. And so if it's, if it was just about a dollar amount, then they wouldn't care. It would be like, oh, well, you know, my husband, my husband inherited 10 million and your husband maybe only made 1 million.

23:37So he's wait, no, they would prefer the man that created his wealth. And I think that because that's more closely related to how we evolved. And I think it's closely related to being able to hunt for the family. And so your ability to hunt, provide enough to feed our kids, to feed me, to feed you. And we have enough that we don't have to worry about it come winter time uh that's what i'm looking for more so than you know can you kill enough deer to feed an entire army that doesn't serve us anymore and i think that's where this gets well when when they're inflated some of the best um some of the most interesting interviews on stuff like this is are like deathbed interviews well they'll interview you know men and women when they're you know uh getting ready to pass away essentially and when they ask them like do you have any regrets or do you wish you didn't nobody says nobody says yeah i wish i would have I wish I worked more.

24:25I made more money. Everybody's like, oh, I wish I spent more time with my kids. I wish I devoted more time to this relationship. I wish I treated this person a little bit differently. So this is not your value. This is part of something that you can bring value to your family, but this is not your value. And if you worship this, it's going to destroy you. You know, I'm glad you said that part, though, because I was just talking to Katrina about this, and we talk a lot about when the time comes to talking to Max about money and finances and kind of like my philosophy around it. I also don't want to demonize his idea of wanting to be successful because I do like the idea of him reaching a level to being able to make enough money to create freedom for himself to spend the time that he wants to more with his family.

25:16And I think that'll be one of the most important things and lessons that I want to be able to teach him. And it'll be me teaching him with him, like us doing something, say, in the middle of the week on a day when most men would probably be at work from nine to five and him and I fishing or sitting on a boat or playing at a beach or doing something and him asking me about money and being like, this is what it's about right here is the fact that your dad is sitting with you right now at two o 'clock on a Thursday. And most dads are having to work a nine to five job just to provide for the family.

25:45That's where, this is the part of making more money. what really matters is if you can exactly to me that is it's not the dollar amount in the bank account or the how many the cars or how big the house is it's that you've worked hard enough you've made enough money to where you've created enough leverage that allows you to spend more time with your family the loved ones and the ones that you really care about uh next up uh there's a lie and i think this is just the result that has come from you know kind of like this toxic masculinity or where men believe that leading is being too aggressive. And so what's happened is a lot of young men have become passive.

26:25They've become passive. Like, I don't know, you go ahead and decide. You do this and you do that. And you know what's funny? When you look at polls, even today, even today in a modern world, when you look at polls, 80-plus percent of women prefer when the man leads. They prefer when the man helps or does pick the restaurant or pays or opens the door. You know, all these like little gestures of kind of leading. And you look at the data on how a family turns out when the man does something versus when the wife or mom does something. And it's pretty remarkable. One of my favorite studies is on faith.

27:01You know, faith is a, it's like a life-changing thing. And when you look at if a mother becomes, and this is on the Christian faith, if a mother is the first person to become a Christian, the odds or the chances that the whole family follows is 17%. If the father becomes a Christian, the odds or the chances are over 90%. Just showing just how important leading is for the man. And it's also just accepting responsibility. So as a father looking at your home, because a lot of guys are passive at home. They're like leaders at work. Then they come home and it's like, I don't know, honey, you decide.

27:39Where do you think that – so this is – of all the things you had on the list, this is the hardest one for me to talk about because there's – I don't think there's a – I don't resonate with it at all. You just doesn't resonate with me at all. I was like, is this happening? Well, you know – No, I'm serious. Well, you know men like this. Yeah, I do. I've seen it. Yeah, but that's my point. It's like it's so far from – like I can't even wrap my brain around what is causing it that makes a man or a boy so passive like that? Is that society putting that pressure? Is that what they're being taught in school?