5 Dos & Don't of Mindful Parenting - Hunter Clarke-Fields

0:00Hunter Clarke-Fields:You're listening to the Mindful Mama podcast, episode number 568. Today, we are talking about the five do's and don'ts of mindful parenting with me, Hunter Clark-Fields.

0:14Hunter Clarke-Fields:Welcome to the Mindful Mama podcast. Here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clark-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course and teacher training, and I'm the author of the international bestseller, Raising Good Humans, Raising Good Humans Every Day, and the Raising Good Humans Guided Journal.

0:53Hunter Clarke-Fields:Welcome back. Hello, and welcome to the Mindful Mama podcast. I'm so glad you're here. And this is a solo episode where I'm sharing some essential do's and don'ts for mindful parenting. And it's important just to remember that it isn't about being perfect. It's about presence. I'm going to share practical do's and don'ts that help you stay calm through big feelings, accept your child's emotions, set boundaries and care for yourself along the way. So let's dive in to this important episode.

1:32Hunter Clarke-Fields:Hi, it's Hunter Clark Fields, author of Raising Good Humans. If you've ever thought, I wish I could help other parents the way I've been helped, this is for you. The Mindful Parenting Teacher Certification Program is now open for enrollment. You'll deepen your mindfulness, learn to lead powerful parenting groups, and join a supportive, heart-centered community. Are you ready to make a difference? I only take a very limited number of people into this program, so apply now. Visit mindfulparentingcourse.com slash teach. Hi, Hunter here, and welcome to the five do's and don'ts of mindful parenting.

2:08Hunter Clarke-Fields:And listen, I know parenting is such humbling work, no matter how many books we read, no matter how much we prepare, no matter how deeply we love our children, they have a way of pressing every button that we didn't even know we had. So before we dive into these do's and don'ts, I just have to say that mindful parenting isn't about doing it all right or raising perfectly calm children. It's about showing up with awareness and compassion for ourselves and for our kids, for both of us, right? So we can make more intentional choices even in the heat of the moment. So here are five of the biggest pitfalls I see parents struggling with, along with alternatives and examples you can try at home.

2:58So number one is a don't.

3:03Hunter Clarke-Fields:Don't yell or lose your cool too much and do your best to model emotional regulation. Now listen, every parent has that moment. Your child is ignoring your requests for the fifth time. The toys are strewn everywhere. Bedtime is looming. You've had a tough day and before you know it, your voice is raised and you're shouting, why don't you ever listen to me? I've definitely, definitely been there. Yelling can feel like the only way to get through a situation like that. But in reality, it actually shuts kids down or it teaches them to tune you out. Over time, yelling really erodes that sense of safety and connection that kids need in order to really learn and listen.

3:53Hunter Clarke-Fields:And it actually kind of teaches kids to yell, right? We're modeling. This is how you get your way. So we're not going to be able to stop every bit of our yelling and that's okay. It's actually important that you are a flawed, imperfect human and model that to some degree with your kid. We want our kids to feel safe and regulated for the most part with us. So what do we do instead? We do want to do our best as much as we can to model emotional regulation. And this is so helpful because children don't magically learn to manage their big feelings, right? They learn by watching us. We can't stick them in a timeout and they're just going to learn how to deal with it.

4:37Hunter Clarke-Fields:That actually doesn't work. And then when we lose it all the time, when we're yelling, when we're shouting, they absorb that message that yelling is how people handle stress. But when we can amazingly, through the miracle of practice, pause, take that deep breath and speak firmly without shouting, they learn something much more powerful, right? That feelings can be managed. So how do we do this? And I've done a whole podcast episode on how to stop yelling. I encourage you to seek that out. And it's through a combination of overall practice to take your overall stress levels down. Reducing your overall stress, whether that means like exercise, time with family and friends, getting enough sleep, reducing your overall stress is actually kind of one of the number one, is the number one thing that you can do to reduce your yelling because then you're just kind of taking that base level down a notch.

5:41Hunter Clarke-Fields:And that's wonderful. You know, if we want regulated kids, we should try to start with regulated parents. And then when we get to some of those situations, we can help to manage those situations by speaking our feelings out loud. I'm starting to feel very frustrated recognizing those feelings, maybe removing ourselves, and then maybe using some resources like some slower exhales to calm that nervous system stress response. Some mantras like this is not an emergency, by shaking out our hands and shaking out our stress, by taking a break, right? Or by practicing that pause in some of the easy moments.

6:26Hunter Clarke-Fields:So again, for more on this, go to the episode where I talk. It's called How to Stop Yelling. So go to this. And then when you get to a moment where your toddler throws the spoon across the room instead of exploding with what is wrong with you you might be able to take a deep breath crouch down and say i see you're really frustrated it's okay to be mad but spoons are not for throwing right and this simple but not easy at all this is a lot of work that can go into this act of slowing down really shows your child that you can feel anger without letting it control your behavior and invites them to practice doing the same.

7:10Hunter Clarke-Fields:So don't yell or lose your cold too much. You have permission to be human and do model emotional regulation. Number two, don't punish your kids for their negative emotions. So when a child screams like, I hate you, or they slam the door, or they're just really upset, mad at you, it's really tempting to react with punishment. Send them to the room or demand that they stop being so disrespectful, right? Stop being disrespectful. And many of us were raised like that. And we were raised with the message that negative emotions are bad. So our instinct is to shut them down or hide them away, right? But here's the truth.

7:54Hunter Clarke-Fields:Big emotions are a normal, healthy part of being human. Punishing kids for expressing them doesn't make these emotions disappear. It just teaches them to hide them. So what do we do instead of punishing our kids for having negative emotions? What do we just sit there and take it, Hunter? Well, we are going to practice, do practice accepting the feelings and not taking them so personally. Accepting the feelings doesn't mean you let hurtful behavior slide, right? It doesn't mean that we let our kids hit us or something like that. It means recognizing the difference between the feeling, right? Whatever they're feeling is always valid.

8:40Hunter Clarke-Fields:We can feel all the feelings. And then the behavior, on the other hand, which may need limits, right? So feelings are always valid. Behavior may need limits. And when we show our kids that their feelings are allowed. They grow up less ashamed of their inner world and more resilient in handling stress. So, you know, if your eight-year-old comes home from school and screams, I hate homework, you know, instead of lecturing or punishing, you could say like, yeah, I get it. Sometimes homework feels really bad and frustrating, right? Let's take maybe a little break and then I can help you. by naming the feeling.

9:22Hunter Clarke-Fields:It's frustrating. It's hard, right? You can help your child feel seen and heard. And once the emotional storm passes, that takes the temperature down, right? When you're really listening and seeing what they're feeling and recognizing that, then that takes the temperature down. The emotional storm passes, and they might have a little more capacity to do the work. So all the feelings are allowed. And that includes for you too, right? Sometimes we feel so guilty and terrible for having feelings of anger or aggression or resentment or all those different feelings. But you know what? You are human.

10:00Hunter Clarke-Fields:You're allowed to feel all the feelings. Parenting is so hard and it brings up so much. You're gonna feel those feelings because you're human and we all do. So you want to practice accepting those feelings in yourself so that you can accept them in your kids. If you're repressing, if you're guilting and shaming yourself for having those feelings, you're not going to be able to accept them in your kids. So practice accepting them for yourself and for your kid. And also practice for your kid not taking them personally. I remember one of my kids said, I hate you to me. I remember being like, oh, there it is, right?

10:38Hunter Clarke-Fields:Like it happened. It happens to us parents. And I didn't take it personally at that time, I feel grateful because I knew it was just this anger coming out. Like, she was so angry. She was frustrated. It was okay for her to have that feeling. I didn't take it personally. So accept the feelings, don't take them personally, and don't punish your kids for negative emotions.

11:06Hunter Clarke-Fields:Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break. in my house my daughter is now thinking about psats and sats and i know with maggie we got her some help some tutoring to help her get that sat score up so she could get into smith college but maybe for you it's the sunday homework you know whether your kid needs a boost in a tough class or study tips for a big test like the psats or sats wise ants one-on-one tutoring can unlock their confidence and their success in school. Wyzant is the nation's largest network of tutors trusted by parents nationwide. They have more than 65 ,000 expert tutors across 350 plus subjects.

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12:35Hunter Clarke-Fields:Help your child succeed in school and boost their confidence with Wyzant. Go to wyzant.com. That's W-Y-Z-A-N-T.com and book your first lesson today. And just for Mindful Mama listeners, use code PODCAST15 to enjoy$15 off your first lesson. So visit wiseant.com, use the code podcast15, and give your child the tools they need to thrive. Number three, don't use shaming, disconnection, or corporal punishment. And instead, we do set clear boundaries with respect. Okay, so this is tempting because this is the way we were raised. Sometimes this is very much still in the culture that we use shame or punishment as a shortcut to get compliance for a behavior.

13:28Hunter Clarke-Fields:So maybe you've said something like, big boys don't cry, or you're being such a brat, or go to your room till you behave. Or, you know, perhaps you grew up with corporate punishment and you've been tempted to swat or spank them when you're pushed to the edge. And while these tactics may like quote unquote work in the short term, They actually really damage trust and self-worth over time. And specifically corporal punishment, there is decades of spanking research, including a 2016 meta-analysis of over 160 ,000 children. And this research shows that spanking is associated with increased aggression, antisocial behavior, mental health issues, and cognitive difficulties.

14:16Hunter Clarke-Fields:Spanking is not linked to better behavior in the long term, nor does it promote morality, and it does not promote compliance. Instead, it teaches that violence is an acceptable solution to problems, right? We don't want that to be their takeaway. And it can lead to negative outcomes like worse parent-child relationships. And in adults, a real high risk of becoming aggressive themselves, perpetuating the cycle of violence. So don't use corporal punishment. Don't use shaming language like you're being a brat. What's wrong with you? Or, you know, don't be a baby. Stop crying. Stuff like that, right?

14:57Hunter Clarke-Fields:Instead, we do want to set boundaries. This is so important to set boundaries. Don't be so afraid of setting boundaries and afraid of these other things that you don't set boundaries. We do want to set clear boundaries with respect, right? So boundaries are not the same as punishment. boundaries give children structure consistency and safety while still treating them with dignity so when you set limits with kindness kids learn you know what behavior isn't okay but they also learned why and what to do instead so for example say you have siblings you know your your five-year-old hits their sibling instead of shaming you know you're so mean or punishing like go to your room without your toys, you might step in and say calmly, I won't let you hit.

15:48Hunter Clarke-Fields:Hitting hurts, right? If you're mad, you can stomp your feet or tell your brother you're angry. Let's practice that now, right? So we explain why and what to do instead. You're setting a firm boundary, and you're offering an alternative, right? That's discipline in the truest sense of the word. It's teaching. So, and let's imagine some other things. Imagine you have an 11-year-old who resists turning off their tablet when screen time is over. Instead of snapping with some shaming words like, you're so addicted to that thing, hand it over right now, right? You could say, hey, I know it's hard to stop when you're in the middle of something fun, but screen time is done for tonight.

16:28Hunter Clarke-Fields:If you want more time tomorrow, you'll need to turn it off now without arguing, right? So you're holding a boundary and you may have a consequence, right? If they can't use this object, which happens to be very addictive, et cetera, responsibly, then it's our job to hold some boundaries around the object, right? If you want more time tomorrow, you'll need to turn in now without arguing. So you're setting a clear limit. The boundary is non-negotiable, but you're doing it in a way that's empathetic for their frustration and giving them some choice and some agency. And it's respectful. So don't use shaming, disconnection, or corporal punishment.

17:08Hunter Clarke-Fields:Do set clear boundaries without punishing. Set clear boundaries with respect. Number four, don't lose touch with your friends or sacrifice your needs for your child. Instead, do have a life outside of parenting and take care of your own needs, right? Many parents, especially mothers, fall into the trap of martyrdom, we cancel plans, we skip workouts, we ignore our own needs, telling ourselves it's for the kids. But when we chronically put ourselves last, we end up resentful, depleted, and far less patient with the very children we're sacrificing for. So it doesn't make a lot of sense, right? So do instead have a life outside of parenting and take care of your own needs.

17:56Hunter Clarke-Fields:Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. To show up with presence, to show up with compassion, you need to feel resourced yourself. And this means carving out time for your friendships, hobbies, movement, rest, and joy, right? Self-care is not an indulgence. It is not selfish. It is fuel for you to show up for this incredibly demanding time in your life. for an example maybe you love yoga but you haven't been to a class in months instead of skipping it again you tell your partner i'm going to go to yoga on thursday night can you handle bedtime your child might protest the change but in the long run they'll see a model of what it looks like to prioritize health and balance and you're going to come back more grounded and also better able to handle the next meltdown with patience instead of snapping so don't sacrifice your needs for your kids.

18:56Hunter Clarke-Fields:Instead, do have a life outside of parenting and take care of your needs. And now finally, number five, don't be a helicopter parent. And what are we going to do instead? We are going to do encourage our kids to have some independence by giving the skills they need to be in the world. So it's really natural to want to protect our kids from struggle, right? But when we hover, when we micromanage or rush to solve every problem, we actually send the message of, I don't believe you can handle this. So kids grow up less resilient and more dependent on us. That's not what we want. We want to give them skills to be independent actors in the world doing things, right?

19:40Hunter Clarke-Fields:And not that they have to do everything on their own. they need to be able to do things like, you know, go do their chores, go to the playground, go down to the corner store and buy bubble gum, right? Like these things that many of us growing up took for granted. True confidence comes from facing challenges, making mistakes, and learning how to get back up again. When we step back and let our children try and even sometimes fail, they develop grit, problem solving, and self-trust. So what does this mean? This means scaffolding our kids, teaching them skills. That means going into doing the learning ladder, right?

20:19Hunter Clarke-Fields:The learning ladder is first I do it for you, then I do it with you, then I watch you do it, and then you do it on your own, right? So this is how we learn to do all kinds of things from walking down the street to the park, to doing your homework, to doing your chores, to doing all kinds of things, to crossing a road. So let's take an example. Your 10-year-old forgets her homework at home. This is a great age for instead of rushing to deliver it, you actually let them face the natural consequences of explaining it to their teacher. And later you might say something like, you know, I know that was tough.

20:57Hunter Clarke-Fields:what could help you remember homework tomorrow so you're not rescuing and you allow them to kind of have that experience of failure within the safe confines of your home right and they get you experience what that feels like manage those feelings and you they experience responsibility and then you can coach them not control them but coach them and how to find their own solutions so the final mindful parenting do and don't is don't be a helicopter parent and do encourage independence by giving your kids skills they need to be in this world whether that's you're giving your two-year-old the wavy cutter to cut some vegetables or it's not rescuing your 10-year-old with their homework so the five do's and don'ts of mindful parenting are don't yell and lose your cool, shouting too much, do model emotion regulation.

21:51Hunter Clarke-Fields:Don't punish kids for negative emotions. Do practice accepting feelings and not taking them personally. Three, don't use disconnection, shaming, or corporal punishment. Instead, do set clear boundaries for children. Number four, don't lose touch with your friends and sacrifice your needs for your child. Do have a life outside of parenting and take care of your own needs. And then finally, don't be a helicopter parent do encourage independence by giving them skills they need in the world. I hope this has helped you with some thoughts on how to parent a little with a little more awareness and compassion.

22:33Hunter Clarke-Fields:Remember that mindful parenting is not about perfection. You absolutely will yell sometimes. You will get triggered. You will say things you regret. That's part of being human. What matters most is how we respond next, repairing when we mess up, modeling growth, and returning again and again to being present with what is. By practicing these do's and avoiding these don'ts, modeling emotional regulation, accepting feelings, setting respectful boundaries, caring for ourselves, and fostering independence, we are not only supporting our kids' growth, You're also going to then grow yourself, which is really a beautiful outcome of parenting mindfully, right?

23:13Hunter Clarke-Fields:So it really is as much about healing ourselves as it is raising amazing kids. And that's what makes it so transformative.

23:25Hunter Clarke-Fields:Hey, I hope this episode helped you. I would love to know if it did. of course you can reach out and let me know at mindful mama mentor and of course i'd love it if you could leave a rating and review and i want to give a shout out to our mindful tribe who left a five-star review who said my most recommended podcast hunter's work was instrumental in my early parenting years i found her course and meditation through this podcast and then her book I now have tween and continue to benefit from her research and guests on the podcast. I'm always sharing episodes with friends and family. Thank you so, so much, our mindful tribe.

24:06Hunter Clarke-Fields:That makes a huge difference to myself, my team, all the hard work we do to put out this podcast. So thank you. If you like this podcast, share it with a friend, leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts. That really makes a big, big difference to me and everybody and to people who are trying to find stuff that will help them. You can help them find this. And I hope this helps you have a better week. Maybe some less pressure on yourself to be perfect, I hope. And I'm wishing you all the best. And I really, really appreciate you listening. So thank you so much. And I'll be back again next week.

24:46Hunter Clarke-Fields:Namaste.

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