[Mindful Working Series #3] Being a Better Working Parent - Cara Tyrell

0:04Hunter Clarke-Fields:You're listening to the Mindful Mama podcast episode 559. Today is part of the mindful working series number three. We're talking about being a better working parent with Cara Tyrell.

0:18Hunter Clarke-Fields:Welcome to the Mindful Mama podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have. And when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clark-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course and teacher training, and I'm the author of the international bestseller, Raising Good Humans, Raising Good Humans Every Day, and the Raising Good Humans It's a guided journal.

0:57Hunter Clarke-Fields:Hello, welcome back. If you are a working parent, this series is so great for you. And today I'm going to be talking to Kara Terrell, mom of three girls, Vermont-based early childhood educator and founder of CORE for Parenting. She does keynotes, teacher trainings, and she has a top-ranked podcast, Transforming the Toddler Years. Today, we're going to talk about being a working parent with toddlers and how to be more present in the moments that matter and ways, simple ways to really connect with your toddler. And the idea of, you know, leadership and we're even talking about screen time. This is a very down to earth conversation.

1:41Hunter Clarke-Fields:I know you're going to really, really enjoy it. So join me at the table as I talk to Cara Shirell.

1:51Hunter Clarke-Fields:If you take care of a teen or young adult that's struggling with substance use and or mental health, I highly recommend the HopeStream podcast. It's hosted by Brenda Zane. She's been on the pod. She's a mom who has personally navigated her son's substance use and his mental health struggles. HopeStream combines lived experience with evidence-based approaches for parenting a child going through these issues. It's honest. It's compassionate. It's practical. It helps parents understand what's happening with your kid now and how to respond without any shame. Go ahead and find the Hope Stream podcast anywhere podcasts are streamed or at hopestreamcommunity.org.

2:27Hunter Clarke-Fields:Cara, thank you so much for coming on the Mindful Mama podcast. I'm so glad you're here. Hunter, I am so excited to share this space with you and have a really amazing conversation about working parents. Yeah. Okay. So it's interesting because I just had a conversation with a guest I shared with you about working parents and who are in many different cultures, which will be on the podcast either before or after this conversation to your listener. So it's been very much on my mind. But I wanted to start with the tension so many parents feel between work and home. And if you're a working parent with a toddler, what are some of these invisible emotional loads that people don't really talk about?

3:13Well, first of all, there's that emotional load that's on you all the time of time. When I talk to working parents who have toddlers and we do the math, they are often shocked to figure out that they have maybe a cumulative four hours with their child in a 24-hour day. And that can be kind of a big aha moment, but also very overwhelming for them. Now, okay, I have such a limited time with my child. How do I really make the most of it? And then the other thing that I hear a lot of, Hunter, is kind of this human default setting that when we're in one place doing the thing, So when we're home and we're parenting, our brain automatically pulls us to those tasks that we left at work.

4:08And when we're at work, our brain is automatically wondering what's going on with our kids. And so it's very hard to really separate for our own being and our own mindsets where we are, who we're with, and just really giving them that attention.

4:26Hunter Clarke-Fields:Yeah, you're talking about being present, right? You're talking about that mindfulness piece of I am practicing to be fully in the present moment, which is, of course, simply said, but not easy to do. Yeah. And then all of these sort of lingering to do's pulling at you, I imagine, etc. Yeah. Yeah. I know what that feels like. I know what that feels like, too. And, you know, I'm going to take us back a second. Well, a lot of seconds. When I had toddlers, I was teaching preschool. And so I was with toddlers all day long. And then coming home to toddlers as well. And it was so interesting to me to be kind of my own test subject because who I was in both settings were very different people.

5:17I was with the same population, but when they were mine, it was such an interesting space where I held myself to a whole different standard that was just not attainable. And I want parents to understand that, that your brain is, especially with everything that you are absorbing through the books and through the online resources and all the TikToks and the Instagrams, you are just trying to do something and holding yourself to a standard that is not feasible, especially when you want to be your best self and give 100 % and do a fantastic job, both at work and at home. So step one is take that pressure off.

6:11Hunter Clarke-Fields:Yeah, yeah, go for good enough, like that emotional load of, I better do this right, or what kind of worthiness do I have, right? Or yeah, this may be the most important thing to me and now I'm messing it up. I remember that feeling and the feeling of realizing that, okay, only good enough is possible was freeing to really, really take that in was freeing. Yeah, absolutely. And the other thing is that what kids remember is not what you remember. It's so important to know that. At the end of the day, when you're ticking off all the spaces that you feel like you went wrong, they're not. And they wake up the next morning and they're not holding you accountable for any of that.

7:09It's a brand new day. So if you can't help it and you're really just feeling bummed out that evening like whoo I reacted way more than I wanted to I've got another day coming tomorrow and my child is going to love me at that

7:26Hunter Clarke-Fields:110 percent level from minute one yeah yeah especially as a toddler and I could see that time factor really being big if you only have four hours it does feel like you know I can imagine I I mean, for me, I was a stay-at-home mom. It felt endless. Four hours, I would feel like, oh my God, I've got to be on. I've got to get right. I've got to get it perfect for these brief hours. I'm here, right? Yes, and for the working parents, that's absolutely what I hear. But then also knowing that there's those four hours, and they're split, by the way. Usually, it's two in the morning and two in the evening, right?

8:08So now we've got like we chunked it again. And inside those moments are things that have to get done. Yeah. Breakfast does have to be eaten and bags do need to be packed and dinner does need to be made. And so prioritizing still being in relationship with your kids while those things are happening is really where we are able to do both and stay present.

8:40Hunter Clarke-Fields:Yeah, and it's really hard to, relationship is a messy, nebulous kind of term, whereas the to-do list is much clearer. The to-do list is like, okay, these dishes need to get done. The kid needs to be washed. The teeth need to be brushed. The to-do list is a lot clearer and the relationship piece isn't. And you've talked about this idea of parenting. Let's think about it in this way. You've talked about parenting as a leadership at home. So for parents who are exhausted, what does this idea of leadership look like in everyday moments between the Zoom calls, the grocery list, the bedtime meltdown?

9:23All right. So we're talking to working parents here. So you know what good leadership feels like in the workplace. You know it feels like somebody who is slow to act, who has a listening ear, someone who is willing to hear your ideas, somebody who's willing to partner with you to problem solve. You know what it feels like. Now, leadership in the home is the same thing. You also know that leadership can be kind of isolating and daunting because you do often have to make those executive decisions and the people, in this case your children, may or may not enjoy the decision that you made. But when you make it with kindness and confidence and you make it because you know it is actually the right answer for your family that day, it's so much easier to stay grounded in your leadership.

10:31And your kids are watching you for that. Yeah. They are watching how you hold your body and your posture. They're feeling the energy that's rolling off you. And so if you are able to really model for them what making hard decisions looks and sounds like and put language to it, they are going to be part of your team and part of your collaborative problem-solving unit.

11:07Hunter Clarke-Fields:stay tuned for more mindful mama podcast right after this break i'm away on vacation right now but i don't have to worry about my kitties at all someone's going to walk the dog but the kitties are taken care of because of the whisker litter robot it is so great to have the litter robot and so nobody is stressed about cleaning the cat's litter Our lives are busy. If you have sleepless nights or diaper changes and all that stuff, you don't need to be worrying about litter. The Whisker Litter Robot automatically cycles after every use so you're not handling waste or scooping daily, which is especially important, of course, during pregnancy if that's happening for you.

11:50Hunter Clarke-Fields:Maintain your cat's litter while focusing on your growing family. Learn more about Whisker Litter Robot models starter kits today and get set up before your new baby arrives. That's in the cards for you. And you can take an additional$50 off bundles with the code Hunter at whisker.com slash Hunter. That's an additional$50 off bundles with the code Hunter at whisker.com slash Hunter. yeah like i'm listening to you i'm hearing you and i'm making a decision that i'm making for the best of everybody even if it's something you may not like but that idea of my you know my parent really sees me and cares about me that's the same thing as that we want in yeah in a in a workplace.

12:40Hunter Clarke-Fields:Like I'm being seen, I'm being heard, I'm being respected, and the ideas are being considered. Yes. And two people can have different opinions and it's okay. I think that what happens when we are in overwhelm as parents with little kids and our brain is on all the places is that the overwhelm takes over to the point where we actually auto disconnect. And that's the opposite of what we were going for. So if we are able to say to ourselves, in this moment, I'm incredibly overwhelmed, and then tell them, small human, I love so very much, I am overwhelmed right now. My body is tensing up. My fists are clenching.

13:38My heart is racing. And I need to make a decision, but I'm not quite ready. I need to move through my overwhelm first. I don't think there's anything more powerful. Asking a three-year-old to take a deep breath and calm down, there's a time and there's a place for that. But showing that you are someone who also feels that way, and it's not a good feeling in your body is far more powerful.

14:09Hunter Clarke-Fields:I couldn't agree more with you when you say that, you know, and parents ask me that all the time, you know, and I talk about naming the feelings that you're having, describing them just as you did, the physical symptoms of the feelings, of the stress, etc. And parents really worry about, I don't want to put my feelings on my kid. I don't want to make my kid responsible for my feelings. And what I say to that and what I observe is that your kids already know something's up because they have amazing BS detectors, right? They know this. They know something. So I think it would feel safer to have a parent calmly say clearly what is clearly happening and name it than to have it be this unspoken, threatening thing.

15:05Yes. And we don't give kids enough credit. They are capable of so much more emotional gymnastics than we know. And here's why. As adults, we are brain keepers. The minute we have a feeling, an emotion, we go directly to our cognitive brain to try to solve it. Kids don't do that. Kids are feelers. They're in their hearts all the time. And so the minute they have a big feeling, they feel it. And so it can be really wonderful when you get out of your head and let what you're feeling come out of your mouth. They will show up with empathy and compassion that you didn't even know they had in the moment.

16:03And now what have you done? You have re-anchored the connection and the two of you can move forward to try to solve the problem.

16:13Hunter Clarke-Fields:Yeah, yeah, that's beautiful. I love the way you explain that. And then if you're a working parent, your kid has probably that wonderful situation with multiple attachment figures where they may have lots of caretakers, which is beautiful. It's like the village, right? that we had many, many years ago. But it also may, you know, they're in a world where everything is new. If you're a toddler, sometimes things are overwhelming. For working parents who feel rushed or short on time with their kids, what's one small daily ritual that can make a difference helping their child to feel grounded? I tell parents to build five minutes of time before they absolutely have to leave the house.

17:11And ideally 10, but if five is all you have when you get home at the end of the day. That is child-led. And there's two reasons this is really powerful. One is, to get out the door in time, you have to do all the things. Well, if you spend all your time in power struggle trying to get them to do the things, you leave the house in an emotional state that nobody wants to be in. If they know that their routine is, that when that timer gets set for those last five minutes before we get in the car, they get to choose the book, the puzzle, the activity, whatever the play-dough, whatever it is, it is just you and them and their leading the play.

18:02So you're creating connection before you leave the door. And in those times, you can have conversation, right? You can be playing while saying things like, I know Miss Tracy is very excited to see you. She just became your teacher a few days ago. It must be a little overwhelming to get to know somebody new, right? So you are still scaffolding those relationships that you just talked about, but you are doing it through the safety of the nurtured relationship that you have with your child while giving them the control for five whole minutes.

18:44Hunter Clarke-Fields:So you're meeting that need for autonomy. You're meeting them in their world, which is a little slower, and then using the language of play, which is the language toddlers speak, right? Yes. And then on the other side of the day, knowing that they're going to be more depleted. They've used a lot of their energy and resources to get through. They've been keeping it together, maybe. Yes, I know. And so what I find when I talk to toddler parents is they say things like, the minute we get home, they're a puddle on the floor. Yeah, they are. You're right. So if that's going to be the reality anyway, that they need a space to just let it all out, well, then give them the space to do it.

19:32When we get home, those first 10 minutes are yours. What does your body feel like it needs today? Does it need to run and play outside or jump on the trampoline? Does it need to do some coloring? Does it need to do some reading? What are you feeling you're needing to do right now at the end of a long day? And now you're teaching them some self-soothing and some self-regulation strategies and how to listen to their body. We're so busy that even as adults, we don't stop and listen to what our bodies are telling us. We just keep pushing through. So if we could break that generational cycle, I'd call it a win.

20:13Hunter Clarke-Fields:Yeah, that would be nice. And yeah, and it's nice to have some freedom and some space and some openness. I love this idea for these anchors of, you know, it's kind of like special time, right? Or I'm here, you can lead. that mindful special time. I'm just paying attention to you. We got all the stuff done. I'm thinking about the parents who are like, oh my God, I'm always late. But hack your timers to set them early. But I think that could be really, really grounding. And how nice to leave in such a nice way rather than they're screaming because you're forcing the shoes on them or whatever it Absolutely.

20:57Yeah, those days were not fun. We had many a moment where I said, well, I guess you're getting in the car barefoot. And I live in Southern Vermont.

21:04Hunter Clarke-Fields:Yeah, yeah. We had the, I'm putting your clothes in this baggie and we're going to school in your vigilance day. That only happened once, though. So that was nice. Wow, that is amazing. There was a little like, oh, here I am. I have to change my clothes in my preschool classroom. And, you know, to that end, I really just feel like parents need to follow what feels right in the moment, right? Is it really the end of the world if your child shows up in their pajamas? It's not. If that meant that you had a peaceful exit from the house, okay. I think we hold our, we were talking earlier about how we hold ourselves to such high standards.

21:48We hold our kids to really high standards too. And okay, one day they were able to put their shoes on all by themselves, yippity-doo-dah day. That doesn't mean it might be the case every day. Just because they do something once doesn't mean I can now expect it all the time. We are in flux and we have to show flexibility if we expect them to show flexibility.

22:12Hunter Clarke-Fields:Yeah, yeah. That was a big mistaken thinking I had. I was like, oh, now you're going to put your pants on by yourself forever. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. This is not the battle to die on. Dear listener, I can tell you that. Okay, let's talk about language. You say that what we say to toddlers really shapes how they think about themselves and the world. So what are five things you believe we should say to toddlers every single day? All right. So first, let me just say that this is my passion space. I'm a linguist. And so we don't realize what we, the meaning that comes out of our mouth is not the meaning that people receive on the other end.

22:51And that's very often true no matter what relationship you're in. So there's five things that words do. And they foster connection and collaboration. They can. They design this sense of self in that early identity. They develop your emotional awareness and your self-regulation skills. They also can trigger the brain to start a cognitive problem-solving process. And that's something we really want to lean into as well. And then words empower early choice making and ownership of those natural consequences. And who doesn't want kids to own that? So five things we need to say to them every day. And please know this isn't a positive light or a negative moment.

23:38They can be used in both. Are, I hear you. I hear that you would really like that cookie. You're not going to give it to them, but you can hear that they want it.

23:52Hunter Clarke-Fields:That acknowledgement they crave. But we all crave. We all want to be acknowledged. We don't want our to be. Yes. Yes, absolutely. We all want to be acknowledged. I believe you. This one is really powerful because not only do we want to be acknowledged, we want people to believe us. What's coming out of our words, out of our mouths feels true. And even if it's not. So if I have a little kiddo who is saying to me, my daddy's truck is blue, I'll say, I believe you. I saw your dad's red truck pull up yesterday. I corrected the color, but I didn't correct the child. Hmm. That's confusing to me. If I say I believe you and I saw your dad's red truck, aren't I being like kind of weird and contradictory in that moment?

24:47Well, think about the opposite strategy. I could say, no, your dad's truck is red. So now I've negated them. They don't know their colors yet. You know, they're just this little tiny toddler who doesn't know. And so if I negate you and I start my sentence with no, you're automatically on the defense. and then I can't have a further conversation with you because now you're going to be emotionally

25:20Hunter Clarke-Fields:blocking me I guess see I guess I would feel like I would worry that if I said something like that then I'm not being trustworthy you know what I mean that I'm kind of like saying something that's untrue when I say I believe you that you're the truck is blue red or whatever and then maybe I would say something totally different like oh yeah was it loud to ride in your dad's track or something like that I don't know I would direct the conversation in a different direction but I can understand how I believe you might be I I maybe I object to this particular instance of I believe you but I imagine there are lots of good instances to use it yeah there there are very many And they just want to be believed.

26:07And I don't feel like kids, I mean, this is a perfect example, Hunter, of how you as a well-educated, learned adult went straight to your cognitive brain and said, this doesn't seem right. Let me see if I can solve it. But they're not there. and they will eventually be the one who says, oh, hey, my dad's red truck just got here because now they're going to learn their colors. And in that case, I say, I agree with you. And that's another one that our kids need to hear us say every day. I agree with you. I imagine that one's pretty rare in a toddler's life. I agree with you. I agree with you. And you can agree with them on all kinds of different things, even if they were essentially part of the plan.