Mindfulness Is the Secret Parental Superpower - Hunter Clarke-Fields

0:00Hunter Clarke-Fields:You're listening to the Mindful Mama podcast episode number 586. Today we're talking about mindfulness as the secret parental superpower with me, Hunter Clarke-Fields.

0:15Hunter Clarke-Fields:Welcome to the Mindful Mama podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clark-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course and teacher training, and I'm the author of the international bestseller, Raising Good Humans, Raising Good Humans Every Day, and the Raising Good Humans It's a guided journal.

0:54Hunter Clarke-Fields:Hi, welcome back to the Mindful Mama podcast. So glad you're here. Today is a special episode with me where I'm going to talk to you about mindfulness. And this is a journey I've been on. I've been practicing steadily since 2005. So, you know, over 20 years now. And it's really been transformative in my life, learning about it, teaching it, teaching others to practice and seeing how it transforms their lives. I just had today somebody in mindful parenting tell me about, oh, I just, you know, they had been doing little practices and they just upped it to 20 minutes a couple days last week and had this amazing day full of calm.

1:36Hunter Clarke-Fields:And I really think it is a parental superpower. And we're going to talk to you about that today. So if you're curious about mindfulness, this episode is for you. If you want to practice but need a boost, this episode is for you. If you are like, what's the big deal? Why is it even important? This is for you. So listen in and join me as we dive into this.

2:09Hi, I'm Dr. Lisa DeMoor, psychologist, mom, author of several books, including Untangled, and co-host of the Ask Lisa podcast. Each week, I sit down with journalist Rina Nainan and we talk through the real questions that parents are facing as they're raising tweens and teens. We break down the science, share practical strategies, and try to make this whole raising an adolescent thing feel a little less overwhelming. Search for Ask Lisa, the psychology of raising tweens and teens, wherever you get your podcasts.

2:37Hunter Clarke-Fields:Hi, I'm Hunter Clark-Fields, and today I want to talk about something that I truly think is missing from most parenting advice. And this is not about discipline strategies. This is not about communication scripts. It's not about rewards or consequences. We're talking about mindfulness, of course. and I know that the word gets thrown around a lot but today I want to show you why mindfulness is not just a nice add-on for parents but it's actually a foundational skill that makes all of the other tools actually work because if you've ever thought I know what I should do but I just can't access it in the moment, then this episode is for you.

3:27Hunter Clarke-Fields:So when our babies are little, we learn everything about the ages and stages, but almost no one prepares us for the biggest parenting challenge just waiting right around the corner, which is, of course, our own reactivity. And for me, it showed up early. My daughter, she was only about 18 months old when I found myself really overwhelmed, really frustrated. I found myself yelling. I was losing my temper. I was scaring her. And it really, really broke my heart because this was exactly how I didn't want to parent. This is not what I wanted to do, but this is what was happening. This was the reality of what was happening.

4:10Hunter Clarke-Fields:So what I learned about this as I dove into trying to really understand it really changed everything. And I learned that there really wasn't anything wrong with me. I wasn't a bad mom. I wasn't a moral failure. It was my nervous system that was mucking things up and really getting in the way with my choice of how I wanted to parent her. I wanted to be present. I wanted to be calm. I wanted to be steady. And I was actively making that choice. But my nervous system was actually undermining me because this is how we're wired. So if this is happening to you, it's really important to understand this is not your fault.

4:50Hunter Clarke-Fields:So we can talk about the biology for a moment because I think this is really incredibly freeing. When your child screams, refuses to cooperate with you, hits or melts down, your body, your nervous system reacts before you can think, before you can make a choice. So your heart rate increases, your breathing gets shallow, and the stress hormones, adrenaline, cortisol, are flooding into your system. And this, of course, is your fight, flight, or freeze response. And it's controlled by the lower parts of your brain, particularly the amygdala, the brain's threat detector, the brain's oh crap detector, right?

5:33Hunter Clarke-Fields:And this system is so important because it kept our ancestors alive. If there was the saber-toothed tiger, you reacted. You didn't stop to think about it. You got out. And this system is important because it helps us in so many ways. It makes the mommy arm go out in the car, not that anyone's in the passenger seat anymore. But it makes you grab that kid before they get out in the street, before you take time to think of it. So it can be really helpful, right? This nervous system stress response really helpful. You don't want to stop and gently problem solve these things. You want to react immediately.

6:09Hunter Clarke-Fields:But the problem is that the amygdala does not know the difference between the saber tooth tiger or the tantrum, right? Doesn't know the difference between, you know, the kid getting out into the street and the kid just driving us crazy. So it's really important to understand that When this stress response is activated, something very crucial happens and the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for empathy, for impulse control, for rational decision making, for emotional regulation, it goes partly offline. This is what Dan Siegel has talked about with the fist brain model, flipping your lid, right?

6:51Hunter Clarke-Fields:These parts, if this is my knuckles or the prefrontal cortex when I make a fist and my thumb folded in is the brainstem with the amygdala, parts, I flip my lid and the parts aren't talking to each other anymore. And neuroscientists actually sometimes call this amygdala hijack. So it's really, really important to understand that you cannot access that calm, thoughtful, kind parenting when your nervous system is in survival mode. right so this losing it it's not a choice you made you didn't wake up in the morning and choose to lose it it's your biology it's what is wired into you and so that is why parenting advice just kind of flies out the window in real life scenarios with your kids because you literally can't use the tools if the part of your brain that holds them is unavailable it's not there not online for you to access.

7:56Hunter Clarke-Fields:So this is where mindfulness comes in and why I think of it as the secret parental superpower, right? Mindfulness doesn't come in as a personality trait. It's not a way to become endlessly calm. It's a piece of nervous system training, right? So mindfulness is the practice of intentionally bringing your attention back to the present moment with kindness and curiosity or non-judgment and mindfulness. Meditation is how we train that skill. And this is where the neuroscience gets really exciting and can teach us a lot as parents. So studies show that MRI scans, studies with MRI scans, those magnetic resonance imagery scans that look at the brain, They show that in as little as eight weeks of regular mindfulness practice, the amygdala, the center fight, flight, or freeze, gets less reactive, less dense in gray matter.

9:01Hunter Clarke-Fields:And these studies actually show that the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for impulse control and problem solving and emotional regulation, actually get thicker and more dense and more active. and the communication between prefrontal cortex and the rest of the brain actually improves. So in other words, your pause and choose circuitry in your brain gets stronger. So cool, right? So you're actually literally changing your brain to build that pause button inside your body. You're building the pause muscle so that you can access it in the tough moments. And this is neuroplasticity. This is your brain's lifelong ability to change based on whatever you are practicing.

9:52Hunter Clarke-Fields:So it's important to understand that this is a huge game changer for parents. And it really was for me. I could feel the difference. Others could see the difference before I could. It really can make a big, big difference in your life. Mindfulness, the studies show it also lowers those baseline cortisol levels, so lowers your overall stress levels. It increases vagal tone, which supports emotional regulation through the vagus nerve. And it quiets the default mode network, right? So that default mode network is that part of the brain associated with rumination and worry. So it really starts to quiet that.

10:34Hunter Clarke-Fields:So think about that. Think about how that could impact your life as a parent. All of these things translate into less spiraling, more steadiness, and more space between stimulus and response.

10:58Hunter Clarke-Fields:Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break. Today is laundry day for me and I'm kind of actually excited to do my laundry because I have gotten a big big upgrade. For this spring I've started using laundry sauce which is this premium luxe laundry detergent. Yes that sounds crazy right but it really really is and all my clothes are now smelling like Egyptian rose, which is my favorite, favorite scent. It smells so, so good. Laundry Sauce are premium scented laundry pods that they don't just clean your clothes. They really do elevate them. I'm so, I pick up my clothes out of my drawer and I hold them to my nose.

11:49Hunter Clarke-Fields:It's, it really looks like a commercial. It's ridiculous because I love it so much. If you're using that detergent scent that smells like the stuff you use to disinfect your bathroom, you can say goodbye to that. I had been using unscented before and I am now obsessed with the fact that my clothes smell so good. But listen, I wouldn't even like them if they didn't perform and these highly concentrated pods are packed with the cleaning power of bioenzymes that obliterate stains from muddy hikes, etc. Listen, Laundry Sauce isn't just about premium laundry pods. It's a full upgrade to your laundry routine.

12:29Hunter Clarke-Fields:It really actually kind of turns my not-so-favorite chore into a lovely self-care ritual. For a limited time only, our listeners get 20 % off your entire order when you use the code HUNTER at LaundrySauce.com. That's 20 % off your order at LaundrySauce.com with promo code Hunter. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. It's time to make laundry day the best day of the week. So the mindfulness doesn't stop your kid from having any big feelings. It's not going to stop that. But it stops those feelings from hijacking you. It creates the pause.

13:15Hunter Clarke-Fields:It's the How do you pause? I really desperately wanted to know this when Maggie was two years old. How do you pause? And this is how you build the pause muscle. It's that sacred second where instead of snapping, you notice, oh, I'm getting triggered. You start to notice it. And in that moment, that's when you regain the choice, the choice about, I would like to respond this way. to my kid. And that pause is everything. So most of us parents, we're parenting on autopilot, right? We're planning dinner while your child is talking. You might be scrolling, half listening. We may be correcting the behavior without taking the time to notice the need underneath the behavior.

14:09Hunter Clarke-Fields:And mindfulness brings us back. And it brings us back to being present. It brings us back to that sense of curiosity. It brings our whole brain back online. And this presence, this bit of presence matters so much more than we actually realize. When I spoke to Dr. Dan Siegel on the podcast, he said to me, parental presence is the key to optimizing a child's well-being and resilience. So I'm just going to say that again. Parental presence is the key to optimizing a child's well-being and resilience. This is so important. And this presence, it doesn't mean perfection. It doesn't mean you're present all the time.

14:52Hunter Clarke-Fields:It means enough attunement, enough repair enough awareness so that you're you're there in that zone that we're aiming for of good enough parenting because we can we can never get it perfect we're going for good enough so when you practice mindfulness this is what happens you notice stressors sooner you can a lot more respond rather than react. Your child is going to feel seen and heard. Cooperation increases. Guilt decreases. Self-compassion really grows because you become aware and start to see of how we're suffering and how we're struggling, right? You move from this idea of like anxiously trying to control to connection and that can facilitate so much.

15:51Hunter Clarke-Fields:And we know that that connection with our kid, when our kid feels connected to us, that's actually what changes the behavior, is that underlying connection. So I want to just clear up a few things quickly, right? Mindfulness is not religious. It's not It's not about emptying your mind. It's not about being blissed out. It's not about being mindful all the time, right? It's about having access to yourself when it matters. When you want to have access, when you want to be able to have some restraint from reactivity, it's about having that when it matters. and yes mindfulness is a big piece of many religions but it is not inherently religious it's a practice and and yeah good luck emptying your mind you're gonna have a lobotomy or you're dead if your mind is totally empty so like let's not aim for that um but yeah let's aim for being present let's aim for building that pause muscle let's aim for accessing the whole brain so that we can choose how we want to respond to our kids.

17:04Hunter Clarke-Fields:Now, all of this, as I alluded to, it takes practice, but you don't need an hour a day. You don't need 30 minutes a day. You don't need 20 minutes a day. You can start with five minutes. You sit comfortably, you feel your breath, and when your mind wanders, and it will, you gently bring it back to the present moment, to the feeling of your breath. And each return is the rep. Each return is the bicep rep. Each time you come back, it strengthens that non-reactive muscle. And this is the practice. This is how we practice. And first, it can feel like I'm not doing anything. I remember feeling like that.

17:46Hunter Clarke-Fields:So I started practicing mindfulness after doing a yoga teacher training in 2005. And I set, the way I did it is I set a timer for 10 minutes, six days a week. And I did sitting meditation because we had done it in this yoga teacher training. So I thought, okay, I can do it now. And after two and a half months of practicing, I thought, oh my God, I'm just sitting here thinking the whole time. I can't do this. This is impossible. And then I realized, even though it felt like I wasn't doing anything right in that meditation practice, that in my larger life, I had stopped spiraling out into these pits of depression and helplessness and things that I would spiral into as a highly sensitive person going through my lows on a regular basis, and they stopped.

18:38Hunter Clarke-Fields:I kind of just stopped the, I was able to, I guess, stop that spiral. Notice like, oh, I'm feeling this, but then I could digest it. I could stop the spiral, and I didn't spiral out as much. And it made a huge, huge difference in my life. And I realized even though in the moment, it feels like I'm not doing it, but I wasn't doing it wrong. And if you start to practice, you're definitely going to probably have that moment where your mind wanders and you think you're doing it wrong. A lot of us have this thought. It's very, very, very common. Actually, they call it in the Buddhist tradition, they call it noble failure.

19:13Hunter Clarke-Fields:But if your mind wanders, good that means you're human if it feels hard it is it's simple but not easy this means you're training if it feels hard it means you're making change you're training your mind mindfulness works because you keep coming back not because you're doing it perfectly so listen this matters to your kids more than toys more than lessons more than achievements more than Disney. Your kids need you. They need you, the real you, less tense, more present, more available. This is what gives them the very best chance they have in life, right? And this is what my teacher Thich Nhat Hanh, the Zen Buddhist monk, he said, when you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence.

20:11Hunter Clarke-Fields:How can you love if you are not there? And that's what our kids need. They need us to be there. And mindfulness helps you to offer that again and again. So listen, if this resonates with you, I want you to know this, that you're not broken. You are wired for survival and you're learning a new way, right? Mindfulness is not about becoming a different parent. It's about becoming you more yourself underneath the stress. And that is a real superpower. So if this conversation, if it resonates with you, and if you're feeling curious about bringing mindfulness into your everyday life, I have a course for you.

20:57Hunter Clarke-Fields:I have a Mindfulness for Parents course. It's a short, supportive program designed to help you calm your reactivity, strengthen your nervous system, practice mindfulness in ways that actually fit in real family life. And I've worked with parents with those for over a decade, hundreds and hundreds of parents. And there's no pressure. It's not about perfection. But I just want you to have, if you want them, the simple practical tools that you can return to when things feel hard. And you can learn more about that at mindfulmamamentor.com slash mindfulparent. So that's mindfulmamamentor.com slash mindfulparent for the Mindfulness for Parents course.

21:38Hunter Clarke-Fields:You can just come as you are. It's a place to practice. It's not performative. It's just a resource for you. So I'm asked about mindfulness all the time in interviews I do for other places. I really just wanted to bring this to the podcast to talk to you about why it matters so much. I really, really think that this is what parents are looking for and we don't even realize it. And we have this kind of immersion to mindfulness because it's hard. So we don't want to see it. But if you're here and you've listened all the way through to here, I'm so grateful for you for being here, for caring so deeply, for doing this brave, imperfect work that we do of parenting.

22:21Hunter Clarke-Fields:And if you have curiosity about mindfulness, reach out to me. Ask me. I'd love to chat about it. Let me know. And I'm so glad you're here. Let me know what you think in the comments. and I will talk to you real soon. Thank you so much for being here. Namaste.

22:48Hi, I'm Cassidy. And I'm April. And together we are fashion historians, friends, and co-hosts of Dress, the History of Fashion, a podcast about why the clothes we wear matter throughout history and around the world. From the cultural and societal to the personal and often political Nicole, with each episode, we explore the multitude of meanings quite literally sewn into the clothes we wear. Please join us in unraveling the hidden histories residing in your closet. New episodes are available on Wednesdays and our dressed classic episodes re-air each Friday on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever else you listen to your favorite shows.