Teens & Sex! Listener Questions with Amy Lang

0:04Hunter Clarke-Fields:You're listening to the Mindful Mama podcast, episode number 554. Today we're talking about teens and sex. We are answering listener questions with Amy Lang.

0:19Hunter Clarke-Fields:Welcome to the Mindful Mama podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have. And when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clark-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course and teacher training. And I'm the author of the international bestseller, Raising Good Humans, Raising Good Humans Every Day, and the Raising Good Humans Guided Journal.

0:58Hunter Clarke-Fields:Welcome back to the Mindful Mama podcast. So glad you are here. Today, I am again talking to Amy Lang. I brought her on because I needed some help with the listener question. It was a little beyond my pay grade as far as the sexuality questions. So I brought on Amy Lang, a longtime sexuality educator and founder of Birds and Bees and Kids, where she helps parents, including those raising neurodivergent kids, talk with their children about sex, consent, and relationships with confidence and clarity. And Amy has been on the podcast before. You can hear her on episode number 389, talking to tweens about sex.

1:44Hunter Clarke-Fields:That is so, so important. We talked on episode 416, How to Keep Kids Safe from Porn, and episode number 268, Birds and Breeze, How to Protect Your Child, Amy Lang. So these are all really great episodes. I recommend you listen to them. But today, we are going to be talking about a listener question that was brought in, and it led us down the rabbit hole of questions about tweens and teens and sex. And yeah, we are very open and honest in this episode about some different questions ranging from porn to sex positivity. When do you share your stories of sex? She has some great book recommendations.

2:33Hunter Clarke-Fields:I just just ordered one of them. So yeah, this is a really good episode and really important for you to listen to as well as all the other episodes with Amy. There are some of my personally, you know, personally, these are the episodes I recommend most to friends I know, like you should listen to this or, you know, the podcast I record with Amy Lang because just there's so much safety in having a kid who is educated, who is getting their education about sex and sexuality from you and not from the internet. So without further ado, join me at the table as I talk to Amy Lang.

3:18Hunter Clarke-Fields:Hi, it's Hunter Clark Fields, author of Raising Good Humans. If you've ever thought, I wish I could help other parents the way I've been helped, this is for you. The Mindful Parenting Teacher Certification Program is now open for enrollment. You'll deepen your mindfulness, learn to lead powerful parenting groups, and join a supportive, heart-centered community. Are you ready to make a difference? I only take a very limited number of people into this program, so apply now. Visit mindfulparentingcourse.com slash teach. Amy, thanks for coming back on the Mindful Mama podcast. I'm so glad you're here.

3:51Hunter Clarke-Fields:I'm happy to be here too. I always love talking with you. I always love talking to you too. Yeah, so as you know, I had a listener call into the question. And I thought, this is kind of above my pay grade. I need some help. So you are the person I thought to ask. And we're going to play the listener's question. Here it is. Hi, Hunter. My question for you involves sexuality and sex positivity in raising teenagers. My oldest daughter is 15, about to turn 16. We know she's been sexually active in the past, and we want to raise her in a sex-positive, shame-free environment. And so in terms of allowing her to have her boyfriend over or in her room with the door closed and to have a space to explore her sexuality in private, in arms, what isn't?

4:46Hunter Clarke-Fields:And what should we be allowing and what should we not be allowing? Especially when it comes to dealing with other people's children, I'm always a little trepidatious about whether or not I can, you know, make my home or if it's right to make my home a place of where sexual exploration can happen. Okay. Okay. So this listener wants to have sexuality and sex positivity in raising teenagers. Daughter about to turn 16. she's already sexually active what is and she doesn't want to be shame free so what does she say to her about the boyfriend this is so fascinating because i was like oh my gosh i have no idea what to tell her what to say but you know it's interesting i was thinking about like oh what would we have done in the past it would have just been like don't ask don't tell policy basically right if we if this was back in the day and and somehow i feel like maybe that was kind of a perfect I don't know what do you think Amy thank you for asking um so uh first of all of course I have to say I hope this child is birth controlled up one side and down the other yeah I'm assuming she is if the mom already knows that she's sexually active and um and then of course condoms and all the usual stuff needs to be in play because you know that's super important um But this is one of those things where you're kind of, my spouse is very funny.

6:21And what he said is, I don't want to hear it, see it, or smell it. Smell it, though. Which is, I don't want to think about it, right? Which is really kind of the thing, right? Like, the safest place for them to have sex is at home. You know, many of us had sex in places that were not safe when we were teenagers. That's true. cars, rando places that were not safe, sneaking, right? It's a chance of being caught. So, you know, as far as that's concerned, I'm a fan of kids being allowed to have sex in their

6:59Hunter Clarke-Fields:own homes because it's safer. You're going to have condoms there. They aren't going to be shame. It's shamey and shameful if they have to sneak around. So this is my values, right? Like, we all know I'm a like liberal crazy pants about this. But if you have to think about like, what is going to be the best thing for your kid, they're already having sex. So pretending like that's not happening as hard as I mean, as hard as that might as tempting as that might be. It's just not the reality. It's just not the reality. So just being really clear about, you know, this is okay this is why and we want you to you know we want you two to be safe and then they're gonna do what they're gonna do i don't you know the boyfriend honestly hunter i don't remember what the boyfriend problem was we might have to start over again what was the boyfriend problem no the it's just the the boyfriend you know is can the boyfriend come over in her room with the door closed.

8:06Hunter Clarke-Fields:Oh, right. And we weren't really discussing. I mean, I don't know. Is there a need to discuss? I mean, I would feel like, okay, can I just react to what you're saying? Because I think that the whole idea of like, yeah, I support you and I want you to have a positive relationship with sexuality. I personally think there's nothing wrong with a teenager who's informed and safe and conscious in all these ways, I personally agree with you in those values that I would be okay with that person having sex. Humans are very sexual species, and that's a great part of life. It can be a great part of life.

8:52Hunter Clarke-Fields:We know that our attitudes around sex impact our kids, and we want them to have a great sex life in the future. So if we start out positive, like that's, that's, that's only good, right? And the idea of like saying, I mean, I think that makes some sense to say like, yes, like I, like, I'm gonna have condoms for you. I have this for you. I have this. I mean, I have plan B in my house, even though I have a gay kid, you know what I mean? Like, I, I'm ready for that. But then also saying like, and I don't really want to like, I don't know if I'd want to be so open to be like, I don't want to hear it smell it or see it or any of that either.

9:39Hunter Clarke-Fields:Like, that would feel comfortable for me. So, but I mean, is there any responsibility we have to tell the boyfriend's family? Are there laws we have to consider? Like, if we're just, I don't know. What do you, what are you saying? So I'm really glad to hear that you have plan B, even though you have a gay kid because they have friends. Yeah, that's what I figure. They have friends. Okay, side note. All right. So, yeah, I mean, I'm glad you're on the same page with me. And I get that this is also kind of hard to think about because of the way we were raised and how it was, you know, not okay and all the crap that happened to us.

10:19So with regard to the boyfriend and his family or his parents, he knows his family. He knows if his parents are going to freak out if they find out about this. They're 16. I'm assuming they're about the same age. And they're capable of making a healthy decision about this. So if it is not safe for him to tell his parents what's going on, then I don't think you have an obligation as a parent to fill his family in. That's his responsibility. The good news is under your watch, they're safe, right? Yeah. Pregnancy is probably not going to happen, assuming it's all consensual, assuming everybody's having those conversations.

11:00That is, that's where I stand with that. And, you know, I'm like thinking like, okay, how would I feel if Milo was having, you know, whatever, he's 24. So he is having sex with his girlfriend. Like if Milo was a teenager and having sex and the other parents came to me, like what I want them, what I want to know, like what, you know, what is that like? And yeah, I'd want to know. And yeah, of course I'd want to know. But I'd want to hear it from my kid and not from another family. That would feel intrusive and weird. But again, I get it. This is complicated and not complicated.

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13:44Hunter Clarke-Fields:That's momcozy.com and use the code mindfulmama. I mean, I guess it's complicated depends on what your values are. But this, this listener specifically said she wants to raise sex positive and have sexually positive kids. So I mean, I've yeah, so I think that, yeah, I think, dear listener, I agree with the expert that that that it's okay. It's it's it's, in fact, you're providing like you're lessening the shame for them, you're providing safety, you're providing acceptance, and you can provide that acceptance to your level of comfort. Like if you feel like, I don't know, you want to know less or more or whatever, like, okay, you know, but, but yeah, it's, it seems like the right and okay thing to do.

14:40Hunter Clarke-Fields:This is interesting. I have not encountered this question yet with, you might never encounter it, right? And I might be like my kid who said they'd never ask, never, he'd never ask me a question. That's been really terrific. Did he never ask you a question? Not a word, not a word. Oh, the curse of being a sexuality educator's child. Oh, yeah. He was like, I think he felt like his entire adolescence, he was just acting out by not telling me anything. Like, I'd say, having any romance? No. Turns out, I just found out that he had multiple girlfriends over the years. I had no idea. No idea. Yeah, it's been great.

15:14Anyway, he seems to be a delightfully well-adjusted human. So I just had another. Is he able to talk about it now that he's 24? Yeah. just just barely yeah yeah and yeah and he's been with his girlfriends since they were 19 and they have a really lovely relationship as far as i can tell he's just a very closed kind of human private and private that's the word he's really private but yeah we just had a conversation where i was like say more and he's like what do you want to know and i was like okay thank you but that's brain development i have a friend who's got kids who are about four years older than him maybe a little bit older, she's like, Amy, just hang in there.

15:53Hang in there. When he gets to be like 24, 25, he'll start talking. And he's talking. So yeah. Okay. So I have a few more thoughts just on this topic. So a couple of things. So first of all, they should be going to her appointments for birth control together. That should be something they go together because he's the person that can get her pregnant 24-7. He's the person that needs to be just as aware and responsible as she is. And so establishing with her and with him that when you're in a relationship with someone, you go get STI tests together. You do your Planned Parenthood clinic, whatever appointment together.

16:36And you don't have to have an exam anymore that they just talk to you. There's no reason to look at somebody's business unless there's a problem. And so that It establishes like this is how you have open communication in your relationship. This is how you take your sex life seriously. And if that, if your kid is not willing or the other kid's not willing, it's a red flag. That's a red flag, right? And if your child is like super private and doesn't want them there, they can have time with the provider alone. And then the other partner comes in. because if we keep putting all the pressure on the pregnant the person that can get pregnant that's leaving him out of the decision the responsibility right even though ultimately the person who gets pregnant is going to have to deal with a whole bunch of crap um lovely crap um a whole bunch right uh if we don't start actively including our our impregnators in this if we don't start actively making sure they understand.

17:38Like with Milo, we said, if somebody gets pregnant, you're on the hook. You're on the hook. You will be parenting if they want to parent. If they want to terminate, you're going to be on the hook for that. If they want to give the baby up for adoption, that's it. You are in for whatever they want, and you are not going to step back from that person, that child. You will be involved in that child's life. And I think that every parent should tell their boys that. I think that should be like, these are our values. So, and there's a book called Ejaculate Responsibly that's fabulous and every human being should read it.

18:15And it is exactly what it sounds like. It is about men taking over the fact and being responsible for the fact that they, from the age 11 or so until they are dead, they can get people pregnant. Wow. For female-bodied people, we're like, I don't know, four days out of the month from 12 until 50-something, right? So, you know, we have to flip the script, right? We have to flip the script. The book's terrific. Okay. The book's terrific. Yeah. Book's terrific. Highly, highly recommend. If you have a kid that's 15, 12 and older, everybody should read it. Everybody should read it because it's the way it should be.

18:57It's the way it should be. They should be like on, like condoms. You use a condom until you know for sure your partner is on some kind of birth control. Every single time you use a condom. Yeah. Every single time. Because who wants to be involved in an unplanned pregnancy, right? No one. No one. No one. No one, frankly. No one. No one. No, thank you. Especially with teenagers. Especially with teenagers. Anyway. So yeah. No, I love that. So just in sum, yes to the closed door, yes to sex at home, yes to making sure that they are able to communicate openly, no one's being coerced, yes to going to medical appointments together, and no to telling the other family, unless there's a reason.

19:43Hunter Clarke-Fields:Okay. All right. I think that's going to be an awkward conversation of like, hey, babe. So my mom says you should come to me to this appointment. Yeah, I mean, I guess if, yeah, I guess my, if it were both of their first times, would they need to go if they are using condoms and things? Absolutely. We want everybody involved in the entire sexual relationship. And generally speaking, I don't advocate for parking children and talking with them. This is a park them and say, I feel really awkward, but I just need to tell you to this. This is what's happening. Y 'all need to make an appointment. You need to go to get the birth control together.

20:29You need to be taking care of this together and offer to make the appointment for them. I just actually had this very same conversation with the mom. Exactly the same thing. And that was the same thing. Like, should I make the appointment? I'm like, you can make the appointment if there's some reason your perfectly capable child cannot. Okay.

20:47Hunter Clarke-Fields:But what if they don't need prescription birth control if they are using other forms of birth control that are over the counter? They need to be using some kind of prescription birth control. If they're just using condoms, the chance of pregnancy, they have to use them consistently every single time in the same way. So that tally whacker can get in there without a condom. Whoops. They can ejaculate and down there and little swimmers can get swimming. I know not every body can, every literal body can handle hormonal birth control. But there are so many options now. it is really important that that's what happens as best they can.

21:30And if your kiddo's already has an IUD or an implant or something like that, if you're a person that can get pregnant, that's great. But you still want to park them and say, just checking in. What's happening? Have you had STI testing? Off you go. Everybody should have STI testing before they have a new partner unless it's for sure their first time. Together, right? Yeah. Together. Yeah. Again, And like my whole thing right now is like get the responsibility handed to the penis haver, like give them something instead of just riding along with us taking care of everything. It's not fair.

22:07Hunter Clarke-Fields:Okay. All right. Once again, I am in the lovely place of being the by proxy parent. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know. Every time we talk, you're like, oh, no. It drags me up. Drags me up. I'm happy to help you be uncomfortable and I motivate you. I know you. I know I motivate you. Yeah, I think our other conversations have been more about little kids. And dear listener, in the outro for this, I'll tell you the episode numbers. So if you want to go and listen to them, you can talk to you can listen to our conversations about little kids. But we haven't actually had like a big we haven't had a talk about teens at all.

22:47Hunter Clarke-Fields:And it's interesting, I guess, because maybe it's because now that I've been putting in your, you know, I did sex talks for tweens, which is Amy's amazing book. And I utilize that a lot with especially daughter number two, who was more open to it than daughter number one, who would go kicking and screaming into the night every time. But daughter number two is now very, very well informed. I'm assuming daughter number one is because she's very informed about everything, but she will fight me tooth and nail about every kind of conversation. You had some other conversations about teens come up. And well, let's jump to your question from a listener about preteens, which I think was so good.

23:38Hunter Clarke-Fields:My preteen wants to know when I had sex for the first time and how many partners I've had, how do I answer? This is a really interesting question for me because the way what we just talked about, because for me, I got pregnant with my first boyfriend when I was 15. And when he, it wasn't even like full intercourse. It was like pre-cum. Yeah. And it got me pregnant when I was 15 and I had to have an abortion or I had chose to have an abortion. and um and yeah and so i've told both my daughters that i told them both that around when they were about 15 actually um just to you know just because i want them to know that and because for me when that happened to me in my life at first i tried to like hide it from my parents and get a judicial bypass.

24:34And then I did.

24:36Hunter Clarke-Fields:And then I found out how much money it was and stayed in Rhode Island, all these things. And then I left my diary open on the table. Nice. I subconsciously did it. I did not consciously want to do that. But part of me, I guess, maybe did. So fascinating, right? Yeah, yeah. And then it all came out. And I got the support I needed from my mom. And yeah, but so I wanted them to know because also when that happened to me, I found out then that my aunt, you know, had, you know, and so-and-so also in the family had also had an abortion. And it was like, oh, like, it's just, it wasn't just me. And that was really a big relief.

25:16Hunter Clarke-Fields:So I wanted them to know, like, hey, when we talk about the sex stuff and this pregnancy stuff, this is serious because this can happen. This can happen to your, this happened to your mom, your straight A, you know, So smarty pants mom. Yeah. So, you know, it can happen to you too. So, yeah. Anyway, what do you say to this, I guess, this person who's young, preteen, wants to know when I had sex for the first time. I mean, and how many partners I have. I'm not sure I would. Yeah. No one's asked me that. I'm glad they haven't asked. Right. It's the same. I just alluded. I mean, look at my work, right?

25:56Let's just do the math, people. So a couple things. So with a preteen asking that, with any kid, really, you can say, oh, tell me what's going on? What makes you ask that? Because you want to do a little like, what's happening here? And that's like, oh, I got to kind of manage myself. What's up? Tell me what you're thinking. Sounds like you're just curious about when it's okay to have sex for the first time. So do that to them. I mean, you know what I mean? And then I believe in honesty. And so what I would say is, like, I'll just give you my example, which was what I said to Milo. I don't remember when he asked me.

26:36And I think it's perfectly fine for a preteen to have like this information. So what I said was, well, I had sex for the first time when I was just about 18. I, you know, wish things had happened differently. I had met this guy and my friends told me I should do it. And so I picked him. He was 23. So I would say he was older than me. And, you know, I had birth control and I felt it was my choice. And he was lovely. And that was just fine for me. It was okay. What I hope for you is that you do it differently, that you're with someone that you love, that you have a really close relationship, that you're able to talk with them about, you know, what's happening, like what kind of birth control if you're having penis and vagina sex, that you are able to communicate really openly together and make the decision together and that you're in a safe place.

27:36Like you can have sex at home if you want to. And so, yeah, that's my, you know, that's kind of where I'm coming from. Would you give like an age like recommendation to the preteen? Yes. Yes. So we never say wait until marriage or until you're 30. What you say is, you know, ideally you're older, like about my age, about 17. That was good. I felt good about making the decisions, you know, but everybody has a different time for this. And so what I hope is that if you're in a relationship and you're thinking about this, just let me know, right? I want to make sure you feel good, that you've got birth control, that everything's in place for you, and you feel comfortable and confident about what's next for you in your relationship.

28:19So, yeah, later teenage years is best. Honestly, 28 is best, but we don't get to say that. We want full brain development. Full brain development. Well, anyway. I know, but. Yeah, late teens. Late teens is better. But you know what? You just say, I'm not going to, you know, that's my hope, right? That's my hope.