When You're Parenting Solo - Dr. Gila

20:48Dr. Gila:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a melting down kid needs to eat, right? Sometimes like it's the hunger that's causing the whole thing, right?

20:55Mindful Mama:Right, right. And so part of that is there's the prioritization in the moment and then also outside the moment. So if that's happening regularly, let's take a look at the bigger picture and how do we prevent there being these crises moments where there is no good answer because there's five priorities that are competing, right? But I do think that we as humans and as parents often don't take time to think about what our priorities are and our values are and to have a little bit of like grounded clarity around that. And it's a useful process to do in a more intentional way, I think. And to really have some like anchoring, grounding ideas about it so that when things are really hard, you can come back to these like anchoring thoughts and reminders that anchor you in your own personal values and priorities.

22:01Mindful Mama:Yeah.

22:01Dr. Gila:Yeah, I mean, I'm thinking that with my parenting, I remember thinking that when I was losing it, that my relationship with my child, that being warm and positive and supportive, that was the number one priority for me. Yeah. I mean, and I wanted them to eat good food and I wanted to not overwhelm them with too much stuff and stuff in their schedules and stuff like that. But like, it always came back to like, that was the number one thing. I mean, when you talk to people, what questions should they ask themselves about what can be my anchoring priority? Yeah.

22:48Mindful Mama:So, I mean, I think that, well, I also want to bring up, yes, so the relationship with your child is one of those real anchoring priorities for most people. But I think it's a little more complicated than that because really there's multiple things that contribute to you being able to have the relationship that you want with your child. Yeah.

23:09Dr. Gila:So many things. Yeah.

23:11Mindful Mama:And one that I think is often overlooked is your own needs, right? Yes. And so I think there's three pieces we always need to look at. It's the parent piece, like what's important for you and your experience in that moment. The child piece, really understanding your child, the one in front of you, not the one you like pictured having or - You wished you'd have. Right, right. Love the one you got. And then the third piece is that relationship piece. but they're all interconnected. You can't have one without the other. And it's often hard for parents to, again, give themselves permission to prioritize their own needs sometimes.

23:52Mindful Mama:And when we put that into the bigger context of when your needs are taken care of, to some extent, it's not going to be able to be perfect all the time, but when you can at least give yourself some permission to tend to your own needs, you're going to be able to show up in that relationship with your child in a way that fosters that healthy connection better. So sometimes it's easier to prioritize or to at least, again, give yourself permission to tend to your own needs when you think of it as serving your child and your relationship with your child, right? It's easier to prioritize your child and the relationship sometimes.

24:33Mindful Mama:So tending to your own needs is a piece of that.

24:36Dr. Gila:It gives you permission. It's funny that this is so much what we talk about like with any kind of parenting, not just single parenting. But I imagine with single parenting, it's magnified as well because how do people do it? How do people logistically do it? Like I remember going to the YMCA childcare and coming back every day and having her stay a little bit longer, even though she didn't love it. So I go to the gym or go outside and go for whatever I needed to do. And knowing that this was ultimately good for her because it was good for me. But if you're working and you're doing all the groceries and you're doing all the cleaning and you're doing all the cleaning up and you're doing all the bedtime, how are people fitting it in?

25:25Mindful Mama:Yeah, they're not fitting all the things in. And that's where that, right. So we do have to drop some things is the reality. Sometimes, right? Either and again. So there's a lot. And again, I work with single parents and also parents of neurodivergent and strong-willed kids. And I think there's a similar, you mentioned a little bit ago, this need to sort of, to grieve, right? I think there is this common experience of a level of loss and grief about what you thought parenting would look like, what you thought your family would look like, what you thought life would look like. And I think that is something that is important to prioritize is to make space for that grief, to make space for processing it.

26:15Mindful Mama:Did you go through that grief yourself? Do you remember it? Absolutely. And I would say it doesn't end. So grief is something that it's not finite. It's not like, okay, I've checked that box and now I can move forward. There are what I call zingers, right? So like you can be in a better place of acceptance and then, you know, it's Christmas time and you have the zinger of like, oh, this isn't what I wanted my Christmases to look like, Or, you know, you go to a friend's house for dinner and they have the two parent, two kid white picket fence life that you always expected for yourself. And you feel that little zing of self-pity, of envy, of grief.

27:02Mindful Mama:and I think again like making space for that is part of the process of showing up for our kids yeah and then um making so acceptance this like grief and acceptance piece of there's going to be things that I expected I could include in my life at this stage and right now they don't fit in and maybe they'll fit in later, right? It doesn't have to be a forever thing, but in this season, in the way that my life looks right now, I can't be the president of the PTA, right? For example, like you said. And so leaning into that and working on that acceptance piece is a part of it. And I'll also add, you mentioned like, how do you come up with these anchoring thoughts?

27:50Mindful Mama:It's a process. I actually have a workbook that I sometimes use with clients that has a few different exercises because it's not a simple question with a simple answer. But I think it can be so powerful and so clarifying when you can really have a sense for what your priorities are. And these may shift, right? They probably will shift as your child gets older, as you learn more. Again, if your child is neurodivergent, there's a process of like learning and understanding and accepting what that means and what it looks like and what your individual child needs. And it's going to evolve. Okay.

28:30Dr. Gila:I want to ask, I'm curious about like, is there any unexpected benefits of same parenting? But first, I want to ask about, just before we get to that, the idea of, I coach some parents who do mindful parenting. And when you're the only adult and you have no one to tap out with, and you have a kid who is losing their mind, I know parents who find their own regulation so, so hard at that moment and they find themselves in situations where they're really regretting their actions, you know, maybe they're swatting at their child. What, how, what do you, can you suggest for single parents in intense, really intense moments like that when they have no one to turn to?

29:24Yeah.

29:25Mindful Mama:And this is one of the hardest parts, right? And then especially if it's happening regularly and you're like, your system isn't having a chance to recover. And so I think there's two pieces to this. There's the in the moment piece. And then again, the real work comes outside of that moment. is, so I have a metaphor I like to use that we all have this internal sink inside of us. And when the sink is really full, just a few more drops of water make it overflow. And that's the dysregulation when you're snapping, you're yelling, saying things you might regret. When your sink is emptier, the same drops of water that made it overflow in that first scenario, you have room for it and you have room for more.

30:08Mindful Mama:And one of the things that can fill your sink really quickly is somebody else's sink overflowing into it. And this is what happens when our kids are having a really hard time. They're melting down. They're having a tantrum. And this, you know, parents tell me this helps them visualize why it is so important for us to learn how to take care of our own sinks, as it were, right? Because if you are walking around with a constantly full sink, then every little drop of water is going to be really hard for you. And so we do, outside of that moment, need to work on what's clogging your drain, right? What is all of that flow coming from the faucet?

30:48Mindful Mama:What are some things that we can control and maybe turn down that flow a little bit? And then in the moment, this is hard work, and it's not just for single parents, But certainly, as you said, it's really hard when there's no one else to tap in. And so, again, really sort of identifying things that can anchor and ground you in that moment in, okay, right now, what's really the priority is us getting through this moment, not them taking a shower, right? So I'm going to, I like to say, stop, drop, and roll. We're going to stop what you're doing. Don't keep doing the dishes when your child is having the meltdown.

31:27Mindful Mama:That's just going to escalate things. We're going to stop what we're doing. Drop your agenda for the moment. You can come back to it later. But if they're really dysregulated, we're going to drop the agenda. And right now, we're rolling with the waves. And the goal is getting through, getting us both through this tough moment and really centering and focusing on that and having your own, you know, certainly I work with clients on like different deep breathing things and different anchors, you know, mantras and anchors that they can do in that moment. And then the third piece is that self-compassion piece because you're going to have times that your sink overflows.

32:09Mindful Mama:I promise you, right? And knowing that that doesn't mean you're a bad parent, right? It means that you're human, that you have a sink just like your kid has a sink. everyone does that overflows sometimes and learning how to clean up that mess afterwards so that you're not then kicking yourself and your sink isn't like perpetually full because now you have the shame and the guilt and all that stuff on top of what was stressing you out in the first place stay tuned for more mindful mama podcast right after this break

32:50Dr. Gila:Class it up with Crocs You know back to school is coming in fast So why wait to find your new fave footwear Step into a local Crocs store And step into your new look Try it, style it, make it yours Because the right pair doesn't just show up It shows off First day fits, handled Walk out ready for whatever's next visit your nearest proc store today okay great i i couldn't agree more and i feel so much compassion for people who are in that situation and you're in a bad cycle and to have the space to even step out of it sometimes and to kind of think through those pieces can be so hard but um at least we know the only thing that is we can absolutely promise is that something will change Yeah.

33:45Dr. Gila:You know, change is the only thing that is certain. So, you know, how, what? Yeah. Can we think about how we want that to change? What is that direction?

33:52Mindful Mama:And I also want to add here that we talked before about like community and reaching out for support. And I do think it's important to name that you may not have the bandwidth and the energy to leave the house and or the child care to leave the house and go get that community. but there are some really beautiful online spaces and getting community virtually is you know such a gift that technology has given us in this day and age and finding people who are trying to parent the way that you're trying to parent who have that similar value system and priority system and who get what you're going through whether it's because you don't have a partner or a supportive partner or your child has special needs, that honestly, for me, has been so incredibly powerful.

34:44Mindful Mama:And I know for a lot of my clients also.

34:46Dr. Gila:Yeah. Yeah. So find those supportive communities. Maybe you have a neurodivergent kid, maybe you're a single parent, you know, et cetera. Yeah. Okay.

34:54Mindful Mama:And be creative about what community means. Yeah. Yeah.

34:59Dr. Gila:Sometimes I have a friend who who got divorced and, you know, when her kids were, I don't know, eight and five or something like that. And sometimes to me, it looks great. Like she, she would, you know, she would be with her kids for three or four days in a row enough where they just like, she was just so into it and she would love it. And then she would be away from them for three or four days and then enough. So she would just miss them, but she would also have some downtime. She would get her house to herself. She would go on dates. She would have a lovely, relaxed life. And then it would be intensive for three or four days.

35:41Dr. Gila:And she was totally with her kids. And to me, I was with my kids all the time. I was like, this looks kind of great. Every four days, she has two days to herself. This looks amazing. I like this. Are there any other unexpected positive pieces of single parenting?

36:05Mindful Mama:Yeah. And that's amazing that she had that experience. I will say not all single parenting experiences are like that. So I have my son 24-7 and I know a lot of other parents too. And then when you have shared custody, there can be some really hard things that come up about that, especially with high conflict divorce. And, you know, that can be really prickly. but there are some situations where it's amazing you have this beautiful balance yeah yes and thank you for asking me about the blessings I do feel like we talk about the doom and gloom a lot more than we talk about the blessings but I do think there are blessings and one of the big ones for me is that when and and I will say when you are the only parent in your home.

36:53Mindful Mama:So even if your child goes to another house with another parent, you're in the driver's seat. Like you get to choose what the relationship looks like. You get to choose where the boundaries are. You get to choose how, you know, what's for dinner, right? Sometimes it's a burden, but there's also it's a big responsibility, but it's also a gift in some ways. And again, you know, I was partnered first and then non-partnered. And in some ways, I know a lot of parents feel this way of, especially if you were in a relationship, in a partnership, that there was a lot of tension. And there can be this like, oh, now there's this like relief because you can do the things the way you want to without having to justify it to someone else or argue with someone else or have someone else, you know, undermining you in those tough moments or have someone else judging and looking over your shoulder.

37:49Mindful Mama:It's you. And again, that's responsibility. And also, really, it's powerful. It's a blessing. It means that you can create the relationships that you want with your children. And that is, I think, an amazing thing. Yeah.

38:09Dr. Gila:There are so many people that ask me about, well, how do I talk to my husband about this? Or Or my husband thinks this is like, you know, the parenting issue questions. And sometimes people can feel like they're parenting another child or they're dealing with another person's temper dendrons or all of that. And then if, yeah, you're free from that, that's a freedom in a way as well as a responsibility. Yeah.

38:37Mindful Mama:Absolutely. I think that, you know, I do coach couples and single parents. And yeah, it's easier in a way with single parents to not have to deal with having two different viewpoints, two different approaches, right? The whole how do I get my partner on board? There are definitely complicating factors. And so there's a simplicity and a freedom in being able to call the shots as it were, right? And do it how you want to do it. And again, I recognize it is complicated when they're in another house sometimes that does things differently. And it's helpful and important, I think, to think about how to navigate that and how to help the kids with those transitions if there are big differences between the homes.

39:25Mindful Mama:But yeah, I think it can be a really beautiful thing.

39:28Dr. Gila:well okay so to just kind of wrap up you know for the single parent who's listening they might feel like they might feel like they're failing or they might feel like really overwhelmed what would you most want them to know so i want them to know that if they feel

39:46Mindful Mama:like they're struggling it's because they're carrying too much in a world that isn't built for them and that they don't have to do it perfectly. They don't have to do it all and they're not alone. So one of my taglines is, even if you're on your own, you don't have to do it alone. Reach out, get the support that you deserve, whatever that looks like. Yeah.

40:09Dr. Gila:And you're a podcast listener. So listen to Dr. Gila's Single Parenting with Connection, Not Perfection podcast, and you'll get so many, so many more resources and so much more of Dr. Gila. Thank you so much for coming on and for having this conversation and for sharing your story and doing the work that you do in the world. I really, really appreciate it.

40:35Mindful Mama:Thank you. Thank you for having me on and again for making space for this topic, for naming things that I think we don't often name.

40:47Dr. Gila:Thank you so much for listening. I really liked how she talked about how you're prioritizing your needs actually strengthens your relationship and this whole idea of permission to stop trying to be everything. This is important. Let's not get burned out, please. No, no. So I hope this episode helped you. I hope it's gonna make things better, more grounded in your life as a parent. And I hope you have some big doses of fun and joy this week. Even if there's some hard moments, maybe we can also put our attention on those small little things that bring us joy too, as well. Thank you so much for listening.

41:37Dr. Gila:Thank you for being here. I'm really glad you're here and doing this work to become a better parent. And I appreciate it. And I will be back next week to talk to you real soon. So take care now. Namaste.

42:01Mindful Mama:Class is now in session. And the UPS Store is here to help you ace arriving on campus. Our certified packing experts can pack everything you need, from desktops to decor. Plus, when you pack and ship with us, you get our exclusive pack and ship guarantee. Your items arrive safe or your money back. Restrictions and limitations apply. To get a 20 % off packing coupon and for full details, visit the upsstore.com slash packing.