Why Kids Don't Listen & How To Shift The Dynamic - Hunter Clarke-Fields

0:00You're listening to the Mindful Mama podcast episode 575. Today, we are going to talk about why kids don't listen and how to shift the dynamic with boundaries, connection, and play with me, Hunter Clarkfields.

0:17Welcome to the Mindful Mama podcast. Here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarkfields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course and teacher training, and I'm the author of the international bestseller, Raising Good Humans, Raising Good Humans Every Day, and the Raising Good Humans Guided Journal.

0:57Hi, it's Hunter Clark Fields here, and welcome back to the Mindful Mama podcast. Today we are going to be diving into why kids don't listen and how to shift the dynamic with boundaries, with connection, with play. So if you have challenges with your kid not listening to you, like all of us, like I did a lot, so much, so, so much, this will be very helpful for you. So why don't kids listen and how can we shift this dynamic without yelling, without threatening, and without becoming a permissive doormat, right? So if you've ever asked your child to do something and you felt totally ignored or felt your blood pressure rising as you're repeating yourself for the ninth time and then the tenth time, you're definitely not alone.

1:59There are reasons why kids don't listen and there are mindful research-backed ways that we can turn things around. So let's dive into it.

2:14If you're a nurse or future nurse, you know how challenging and rewarding this career can be. Hi there. I'm Nurse Mo, creator of the Straight A Nursing Podcast. I'd love for you to join me every Thursday as I teach nursing concepts and share tips to help you succeed in school and at the bedside. Each episode breaks down often complex information so it's easy to understand, so you can feel more confident whether you're taking an exam or taking care of patients. So subscribe to the Straighten Nursing Podcast, and I'll see you on Thursday. In this first part, let's talk about exactly why kids don't listen.

2:54And if you've ever felt like that you are experiencing the fact that you are like the Charlie Brown voice, the Charlie Brown teacher voice, you know, wah, wah, wah, wah, and and your kid seems to turn you out completely. Have you ever felt that? Here's what's usually happening for that inside of us. We ask them to do something, and then they ignore it. And then our stress response kicks in, and the stress response makes it so that we interpret that behavior as a threat. And then before we know it, we're yelling. At least that's what happened for me. But the problem is that yelling really, really doesn't work.

3:38And it's not because our kids are being difficult. They actually physically can't learn when they're being yelled at. And this has to do with some of the neuroscience about how brains work and how kids' brains develop. So when a child is being yelled at, their fight, flight, or freeze system activates. Their amygdala, the alarm bell system of the brain gets activated and blood flow moves away from the prefrontal cortex. This is the area right here behind your forehead. And this is the part that's responsible for learning, empathy, impulse control, and decision making. So research by Dr. Dan Siegel and others shows that in this state, kids actually lose access to the learning part of their brain.

4:30So that thing you want them to do better next time, or you want them to stop doing, or whatever it is, they actually can't take it in. And, you know, what's more, that alarm bell system is fight, flight, or freeze. So if you end up with behavior that you really, really don't like, like kicking or spitting or hitting or pulling, that's fight, right? Or running away or trying to escape or not listening. That's flight. so fight flight or freeze can actually be responsible for many of the things we think of as bad behavior so yelling doesn't work i mean that said we're all going to do it sometimes it's you you know we're going to be human but it's not that skillful it just doesn't work so let's begin then let's try to figure out what does work if yelling doesn't work what does and let's begin by understanding what kids hear when we use other really, really common communication habits.

5:31And I want you to try to actually feel this in your body. So unless you're driving, close your eyes for a moment and imagine that you're a seven-year-old kid and you left your snack mess on the floor and you've already moved on to some kind of play. Okay, so imagine just kind of get yourself in there, close the eyes, imagine it. Now imagine your parents saying to you, pick that up this instant. How does that make you feel? And what kind of thoughts does that, you know, run through your head as a seven-year-old child? Now, most of the parents in my workshops, when we do this, report feeling irritation, indignation.

6:17They feel kind of resentful. This is an order, and orders spark resistance for everyone at every age. Kids, just like adults, don't like being commanded. Kids don't like orders and commands. Okay, let's try another one. Close your eyes. Imagine you're that seven-year-old. Breathe in, breathe out. You're playing. And your parent says to you, if you don't pick that up right now you're losing your screen time how does that feel what does that make you think from the point of view of a seven-year-old or six year old kid now again a lot of parents in workshops they feel like hey this isn't fair it's a threat right and threats trigger resentment they trigger power struggles it feels completely unconnected.

7:12All right, let's just do this one more time. So imagine you're a seven-year-old and I say to you, you've left your snack mess, you've moved on to something else. You know better than to leave such a mess. How does that make you feel? Now that is a blaming statement, right? It shames. Kids feel bad inside and they may just resist just to save face. So these are a few of what I call the six barriers to communication in the Raising Good Humans book and the Mindful Parenting course. They don't just block communication. The big problem is that they actually make your kid less likely to listen to you over time.

7:56You start to turn into that Charlie Brown parent as your kid makes a habit of resisting the way that you're parenting. It all becomes a habit.

8:10Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.

8:18Listen, I know that it can be hard to hear that your words may be causing this reaction, but I want you to know that you are far, far, far, far from alone in these unskillful strategies If you're recognizing strategies that you're using yourself, it's actually, it's not your fault. This is in our culture. This is very common. And for most of us, it was also in our upbringing. And I became well aware that I use these communication barriers a lot. And I know it can be in a tough place to realize that you're just saying something unskillful, but then not yet have the what do I do yet instead, right?

9:02But here's the hopeful part, right? It's important to understand that being aware of these habits is actually a win and you cannot change what you don't see, what you're not aware of. So it's important to be aware of this. And you may even want to like rewind and listen to that part again to kind of really start to understand some of these communication barriers. And again, we go into this more deeply in Raising Good Humans and the Mindful Parenting Course. So let's look into then how do we shift this dynamic. So the first step is this. We have to pause the yelling. The yelling, it erodes trust and connection.

9:42It creates cycles of resentment on both sides. So if you need support for this, I have a podcast about how to stop yelling. I have a blog post about how to stop yelling. And I also have the Stop Yelling Formula course to go deeper that helps you really, really practice alternative responses. Okay, once you've regulated yourself, the next step then is to communicate more skillfully. And I have a powerful hack for you. You can ask, how would I say this to my friend's kid? How would I say this to my friend's kid? We tend to speak more respectfully, kindly, and slowly to other people's kids. And that shift alone can just work wonders.

10:28But communication is only half the picture. We also have to talk about the other half, boundaries. Let's dive into boundaries. And I want to read you a quote from psychologist Mona Delahook. She's also been on the podcast. Check out her episode. But she said, if the ability to control emotions and behaviors isn't fully developed until early adulthood, why are we requiring preschoolers to do this and then punishing them when they can't? Right? Wow. Yes. Mona really says it in that quote. They can't control these emotions and behaviors. We know that developmentally. and then we're punishing them when they can't control the behaviors?

11:10Neuroscience shows that self-regulation skills are not fully formed until our mid-20s. That means it's our kids' job to be immature, to learn by doing, to test boundaries, and our job is to guide them with limits and connection. So let me share with you a moment from my own home. When one of my daughters was five, she was running around the living room with a huge piece of cardboard. She's knocking things over, screeching and laughing. And you know, that's kind of like one of those moments when everything in you wants to shout like, what's wrong with you? Stop it right now. But I had recently committed to stop using threats or punishments.

11:53So what do I do? What do I do then? And here is the key shift that I think is so important for us to understand, for our parenting partners to understand that boundaries don't require harshness. You can be firm and kind at the same time. So I caught her gently and I said, you know, whoa, honey, honey, this cardboard is knocking things down while kind of just taking it out of her hands, you know, and then I offered You can run outside with it if you want. And that's it. That's the whole formula. Firm, kind, clear. I'm teaching her about how her behavior is affecting our home, and I'm offering her an alternative.

12:40And research supports this. So studies on parenting styles show that what they call authoritative parenting, not my favorite word for it. But authoritative parenting, which is high in warmth and with firm boundaries, predicts better outcomes than authoritarian, which is harsh, and permissive, which is no boundaries parenting, right? So we want high warmth but firm boundaries rather than harshness or no boundaries. So kids need those boundaries to keep them, to make them feel safe, to make them feel cared for. and you need those boundaries to not burn out and to protect your needs. So let me give you another example.

13:25A mindful parenting course member said, you know, my kids are sitting on me and I feel so touched out, right? Like her boundaries were being impinged on and this is, you know, this is where bodily autonomy is essential. So she can lovingly say, I need some space right now. I'll be ready for a hug in a few minutes. Clear, respectful, and healthy. And this actually teaches kids one of the most important skills in life. It teaches them boundaries around their bodies. And, you know, I want to give you a note around these two examples. These are clear. These are kind. But it's not necessarily going to be easy.

14:11You may have to repeat yourself. You may have to experience your child's upset reaction to having a boundary set. And that's anything but easy, right? If we're experiencing a kid's intense emotions. but they're allowed to have those emotions and as we set these boundaries kindly and consistently it can get easier over time which leads me to the fact that consistency consistency consistency it matters so so much kids need consistency to feel secure if the rule is no screen time before bed and you hold it one night, but you cave in the next, the kids learn that rules don't mean much and it can lead to more and more difficult behavior.

15:00Consistency isn't about rigidity, it's about building trust. And trust helps kids listen. Okay, now, finally, let's talk about playfulness, which is the secret ingredient that can really help all of this. the magic dust of parenting, if you will, play. So kids will not say to you, listen, I had a hard day. Can we talk about my feelings? No, this is not going to happen. They say, will you play with me? And play is a child's first language, right? It builds resilience. It helps them with emotional processing, creativity, problem solving, and it builds a deep connection with us as parents, which makes holding boundaries and soliciting cooperation easier over time.

15:51So research shows that play reduces stress hormones in children and boosts social and emotional development. And when kids feel connected, listening becomes so much easier. So as you kind of put in some time where you're giving them that full attention, their listening becomes a lot easier, honestly. Now, I'll be honest. I did not always love pretending to play with my daughter. Really far from it. But I tried to join her in her world a little bit. Sometimes I did it. I did it when I could. I did it a few times a week. And you know what? I'm so glad I did. It helps us to hold limits in a way that doesn't provoke power struggles, but it really just helps us connect.

16:42It helps me to know her as a person, and it helps me to have a moment to practice to be aware, to be mindfully curious about what's happening for her, to start to see her with fresh eyes. And when you sit and you offer your kid play, playfulness, or even you do something like a mindful special time where you're saying, hey, I'm going to set a timer for five minutes, 10 minutes, and I'm yours. We can do anything you want besides screen time for this 10 minutes. And you just give yourself that time to really dedicate to your child. This is like really putting all these deposits in your relationship bank account.

17:21So then when you need some cash there for withdrawal later, it's there. It really makes kids feel connected. Then they're going to listen to you. They really, really are going to listen to you because you've invested some of your loving attention in them, and that just fills them up so much. So you can do that mindful special time, set a timer. That's a really great way to do it. You can do that a few times a week, maybe with each kid, but you can also try to like hold those boundaries with playfulness, which is really, really fun. So how do you do that? Well, you can one of the here's some I have some ideas for you.

18:01And these are all from Raising Good Humans Every Day, which is my book follow up to Raising Good Humans, which has 50 short chapters. And this is from chapter 27 of Raising Good Humans Every Day on playfulness. And so if you want it, go ahead and grab it or send it's a great gift. so you could be a robot or a silly character which is great like the teeth need to be brushed now or you know pretend to be like a fainting southern bed oh my lord i do declare uh the the dishes are still on the table or the toys still need to be picked up right um you could be a silly character. Kids love that. They think that's great.

18:48And that really helps them to listen. You could be delightfully incompetent. This is one of the funniest ones. Like, you'd be like, where are my teeth again? Are they here? Like, in my elbow? Where do I brush my teeth? Do I brush my ear? And you get like, oh, no, no, no. And they show you how to do it. How do I get out of the park. Oh, how do I leave the playground? Do I go here bumping into a tree, right? And the kids love that. No, this is how you do it. So try to be incompetent, delightfully incompetent. It's really funny. You can try being contrary. This could be risky, but it can also have a great payoff.

19:30So, you know, you could say something like, don't you dare get into that tub. Don't do it. oh no you will be clean how terrible right like that might be really funny yeah you could pretend to be the germs in your kid's teeth don't don't brush me away we want to sit here and eat your teeth maybe that's too scary i don't know so you could be contrary in a funny way but you could also use one another one i like is to um use goofy harmless threats um do something like listen you know if if you take you know if you do that again i will have to sing the star spangled banner oh say can you you know and so just start singing that could be funny and you could another way this is not like a boundary holding thing but something to kind of make create that connection so that your kid listens to you more, is that you could add some physical play to your days.

20:34And wrestling and pillow fights and roughhousing, research shows that this is all really, really positive for kids. It shows that these build emotional regulation, confidence, and connection, and it helps kids with their bodies and everything. And it really, really can help to connect you with your kid so that then you can, you know, they listen to you more. So I highly recommend it for both parents, not just for dads. Try some physical play and roughhousing and do it with boys and girls. They both benefit from it really, really well. And here's the secret too, is that play helps you too. 10 minutes of joyful play can really kind of reset your nervous system and reconnect the whole family, bring everybody together.

21:34Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcast right after this break.

21:42okay so let's bring this whole this whole episode together about listening so why don't kids listen just to recap right they don't listen we know from the research because yelling shuts down the learning centers of their brain it shuts them down um we know that order they don't listen because orders and threats and blame can cause resistance. And we know that kids need boundaries delivered with calm leadership. We have to show them how to be in the world. And we know also that connection, not control, is what makes cooperation possible. They're going to cooperate with you because you are connected.

22:33That is what really makes a household run more smoothly and calmly and peacefully. And because play is a bridge to cooperation. So the most important thing you can remember is this. Connection first, boundary second, playfulness always helps. Okay? And parenting in this way, this is not about perfection. You're going to mess this up. You're going to yell sometimes. And you're going to be harsh sometimes. And you know what? Your kids don't need you to be perfect. They don't need you to be always calm and always super loving and playful every second of the day. That's not what they need. They need you to actually be imperfect and show them how an imperfect human exists in the world.

23:28So don't, this is not about perfection, but it is about moving towards these skillful means more often than not. And as you move towards holding your boundaries firmly and consistently, as you move towards pausing the yelling, not doing the yelling, as you move away from orders and threats, as you move away from blaming and shaming. And as you move towards things like playful boundaries, you move towards these skillful means as you move towards them and you do them more often than not, things will get better. I really, really promise. It's a bit by bit change. And it really is about gentle course correction again and again.

24:16So you don't have to be perfect at it. I promise. Now, how to take action on this? I want you this week to just really notice when you're using orders, threats, or blame. Sometimes it's really much easier to notice this in your parenting partner, or you'll probably notice this in people at the playground if you go there, than yourself. That's okay, but try to notice it in yourself. And when you notice it, that's a win, because it's a win to be aware of what's happening, because you can't change what you're not aware of. So that's one. Then two, choose a boundary that you can hold firmly and kindly.

24:55Think about how you can hold that firmly and kindly. Maybe talk about it with your parenting partner. And then three, add play. Add play to one challenging moment. Kind of experiment with it and see what happens. And you could also write out a sticky note. I love these as a tool. They work temporarily. How would I say this to my friend's kid? it's a good hack remember and then just ask yourself what rules or boundaries matter most to my family maybe it is getting out the door maybe it is bedtime maybe it's screen time all right so notice when you use order stats or blame choose a boundary you can hold firmly and kindly add play try to remember how would i say this to my friend's kid a sticky note is good and then think about the boundaries that matter most.

25:52So if you would like more support with yelling, check out my Stop Yelling Formula course. And if you want to go deeper in these communication shifts, this is exactly what we work on in the Mindful Parenting course. And yes, thank you for being here. Thank you for doing this work and bringing more mindfulness and compassion to your family. And I love to have your feedback. Of course, let me know how this goes. And until next time, I'm wishing you more peace, more ease, and all those good things. And I will talk to you real soon. Namaste.