Do You Resent Your Partner For The Mental Load? Try This Expert Advice, with Dr Morgan Cutlip

0:01My kids melt down with me way more than they do my husband. So he can get away with things differently than I can. And so I think that it's really important that we give a little bit of that space to our partners. We release some control. I have actually, when I talk about the mental load, I talk about it, you have to address it in two domains. So there's within work that's required to addressing the mental load. And then there's the between work. So like the actual conversations you're having with your partner. And part of the within work is paying attention to how am I showing up when it comes to the mental load?

0:34What am I doing to shut down more participation from my partner? Because we do that and we don't mean to, but we do it. And so I have five behaviors that backfire that we often engage in. And one is micromanaging that you mentioned. Another is personalizing everything. So when your partner doesn't do something, is the meaning you're attaching to it, well, gosh, they always think I'm their maid. It must be nice having a mother in the home, my third kid. We sort of attach all this meaning to things, which sours the tone in the relationship. Um, we also keep score a lot of times, which, um, thanks for helping, but it's just a drop in the bucket compared to what I do.

1:16Uh, we tend to get impatient. So, um, we'll ask our partners to do something and then we're like, I'll just do it myself. You're not doing it right. Or we tend to criticize their efforts. And so it's, it's hard to take a look at ourselves, uh, in this domain. Cause we feel a lot of times like we are the one, we're the victims in this situation. We're the ones carrying everything, but it is important to look at how are we showing up? How are we supporting efforts of our partner to participate more? And how are we shutting them down? I love that. I love that. I mean, I actually, that's my starting point for everything with Motherkind as well as we start with ourselves and then we go outwards.

1:55So if someone's thinking, oh shit, I definitely do some of those things. Where does someone start with that? Is it, is it, I know in your book, there's some journaling prompts and things like that. Can people dive into that or can they just think to themselves, why am I doing this? Like, why am I micromanaging? What am I afraid of? Because I think normally under those micromanaging behaviors is fear. Where does someone go if they resonate with that? Yeah. So this content will be in my second book, which is out in April called A Better Share. But yes, I think part of it is understanding. I think a lot of change begins with insight.

2:32That's not a new revelation. So we have to reflect. We have to reflect on things. Why is it that I'm feeling this pull to kind of jump in to micromanage? What am I afraid is going to happen? You know, might be if we don't take a snack, I'm afraid my kid's going to melt down. And you can start to, you know, there's lots of approaches. You can walk that out. Well, is that really a big deal? I won't be there for the meltdown. That's my partner's problem. Let's see how they manage it. So there's always sorts of ways to sort of challenge some of these reflections. and then we just need to revise them.

3:04We need to revise them with a new response. And so, for example, if I'm always micromanaging my partner while they're making kids lunches, I'm going to have to decide in advance what is the new response I'm going to have when I see something that I'm not really liking. And it might just be leaving the room. I mean, we don't need to overcomplicate this stuff. It might be leaving the room. It might be instead of stepping into gratitude or thanking them for what they're doing. So we need this revision to our behavior and then we need to just practice it or reinforce it over time. So I tend to say you reflect, you revise, and then you reinforce.

3:42And so yeah, the book will have some prompts to help people explore this stuff and really get to the bottom of it. But sometimes it's just choosing a new way to respond in the moment. Yeah, there's a couple of things I want to bring up. One is that you said about we get impatient. And this is something that I definitely experienced. And I know many in our community will like say we're sharing the load really equally, right? So we're not even responsible anymore for let's say the laundry, but the laundry hasn't been done for like a week and people don't have clean clothes. Like, or, you know, your partner says, yeah, I'm going to clean the garage out.

4:21I know we need to do that or I'm going to get the Christmas decorations done. I know I need to do that. And only I can because it's like top shelf and whatever, but it's not happening. What do we do then? I guess you've got two choices. You do it yourself and then you're like, okay, well, again, we're back to square one. Or you say something and then that might be met with, okay, you're criticizing me again or more defensiveness. What do we do then? Yeah, you have different choices. And I think, you know, in my first book, and I'm certain you probably talk about this too. I mean, I think it's important for us to sort of check in with ourselves.

4:58What can we handle in these moments? And how much can we do with like a decently positive and pleasant attitude? So for example, if you're so impatient, and it's very important to you and it's just not happening, you can do it. You might want to check in with yourself and say, can I do this in a way that I'm not going to harbor resentment? Because sometimes our partners, I mean, we have our own pace. We have our own timeline inside our heads that our partners aren't always privy to and aren't always aware of. So if that's one of those moments and it's like, you know what? I really want this done.

5:40I've got stuff going on this weekend. If it doesn't get it done now. We're not going to be able to get it done later. We have this timeline going on that our partner's not aware of and we want to do it ourselves. Do it and do it in a way that you're going to be okay. You're not going to build resentment. You have another choice, which is to not do it. If you're like, this has been going on too long. My partner delays, delays, delays until I take care of it. I know this pattern. This has been going on years and I am sick of it. If it's something like laundry, if it's something like taking the garbage out, I know this is gross and I understand the reality of what I'm asking people to potentially do, but don't do it.

6:16There are consequences to not taking care of things. And if we continually rescue our partners or fire them from the jobs that they are assigned to and they said they would take care of, they're not going to ever do it. And so sometimes it's a matter of just kind of digging your heels in a little bit and waiting for that consequence to occur and then to run out of clean underwear or something. And so, well, I'm, oh, I thought, you know, I thought you were going to do the laundry. I believed you. I believe, and I'm not being condescending. I'm being genuine. Like you said you do the laundry, but I believed that you would get it done.

6:51So another approach is that you just talk to them. Hey, the laundry is not getting done. We're starting to get low on stuff. And, um, do you need help or what's going on that it's, it's, are you real busy this week? You know, stepping into a gracious sort of, uh, approach to your partner, assuming the best can also be another way. So we have all of these choices for responding in these situations. And in my second book, I actually, and I think I can apply it. I'm thinking, can I apply it in this circumstance? I actually give a continuum of confrontation. And so it's about initiative taking, which is that a lot of times in our relationships, our partners kind of are on a continuum of initiation.

7:33So we have people in the middle who are passively willing, just tell me what to do. We have people on the end who take initiative and we have people on the other end who are just like actively resistant. And so I think if you layer on top of that another continuum of confrontation, the more resistant they are, the more confrontational you might have to get to kind of break through some of that and really get to the heart of what is this resistance about. But if they're passively willing, your confrontation level can be a little bit lower. It can be a little bit more gracious, kind of step into that.

8:07And then if they're actively, you know, taking initiative, hopefully there's not really much confrontation around this topic at all. So I think it really depends where you are in your relationship and how long something's been going on.