Dr Martha Deiros Collado: Why Playing With Your Child Feels So Hard (And How to Make It Easier)

0:01Zoe:Hello and welcome to Motherkind. It is me, your host Zoe Blaski and this is the podcast that is for you, the woman behind the mother. And I am so excited to bring you this episode today created in partnership with Melissa and Doug. It is about something that I know so many of us struggle with and it is playing with our children. I know for me, I find that if I'm outside of the house, right, so if I'm in the playground or the beach, then I actually find it much easier. but it's when I am at home. I find it so hard honestly because I feel like there's always something else to be doing and I find it very difficult to kind of pause and stop being productive even though I know play is productive.

0:44Zoe:So I do know intellectually that play how important it is but it's that it builds that connection and it's showing love through presence but when it actually comes to doing it honestly I just want to jump up after five minutes and do something else. So I have help. I have brought my friend, my dear friend, Dr. Marta in to help us because I really want to understand why do so many of us struggle with play? No guilt allowed anywhere. I think on some level, a lot of parents struggle with play. I want to talk about why if you're kind of high functioning or type A like me, it might be a little bit more difficult.

1:24Zoe:I want to talk about how to make play fun for us the parent too and I want to talk about why play actually matters because I think there's so much talk about it isn't there and actually why does it really matter and how to make it part of our routine so it doesn't feel like another thing that we've got to do and we're putting ourselves under more pressure for so I think you are in the right place I know I'm in the right place and I'm really excited and I actually couldn't think of a better partner for an episode about this topic than Melissa and Doug. Melissa and Doug products have long been a favourite in our house because they're built with longevity in mind.

2:03Zoe:Personally, I hate toys that last a few weeks and then they've lost interest or they're broken. And Melissa and Doug really does provide quality that you can trust. And it supports with real skill building and it's a range that encourages your little ones to explore. So thanks to Melissa and Doug for supporting this really important episode that I've wanted to make for ages. So let's get right into it. Am I alone in finding PlayHard?

2:28Dr Martha Deiros Collado:What's wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with you. I think all adults, all parents, as soon as you become an adult, your brain just becomes less receptive to play. It's not that we don't know how to play, it's that we've kind of forgotten. We just spend so much time doing and thinking and, you know, working that we lose the ability to be creative, imaginative, and little ones' brains, and I'm saying little ones as all children because teenagers need a lot of play as well, but, you know, little ones, like I've got a three-year-old and a seven-year-old, they blur fantasy and reality, so it's really easy for them to kind of start to play and then get really sucked in because they live in the here and now.

3:11Dr Martha Deiros Collado:But you and me, we spend our time thinking about what's for dinner, you know, what's happening next, what did I do yesterday, you know we struggle with the present and we struggle with imagination and kind of the playfulness bit so it's really normal to struggle a little bit with play and do you think

3:26Zoe:do you think that if there's someone I describe myself as like type o which I don't love but it's kind of true right like I love if I'm in the house I love being productive in the house which is why I probably find it easier right to play out of the house is that something that you you see like the people wired like me for productivity find it harder to kind of sit

3:46Dr Martha Deiros Collado:I mean absolutely I mean it's hard to find time to just sit and have a hot drink let alone oh now I'm just gonna play with your little toys or do a puzzle or whatever it just feels like boring is the word so many parents say to me I'm it just bores me like it's so dull to play shops or to play whatever and I think firstly it's because we have an adult brain and secondly it's because we we have been kind of trained by our society and our culture and the way that we live to always be productive to always be on the go and so slowing down and doing something very different and kind of shifting our brain from doing for productivity to doing for enjoyment for play for actually no

4:32Zoe:reason at all to stop is really hard to do and especially when it's an activity that probably

4:38Dr Martha Deiros Collado:isn't kind of engaging you because it's not what you would choose to do you probably wouldn't be choosing to do like my little girls love playing babies and things like that or like with their dollies and the doll houses that wouldn't be my first choice if I had five minutes to myself to go and sit by the doll's house so all those things pulled together makes it much harder to just stop and join in with their play

5:06Zoe:how do we reframe it then as like we hear a lot about how important it is why is it

5:11Dr Martha Deiros Collado:so important play and to play with our kids so play is important for all of us so firstly play is like an innate human need which is really important so even as adults we do things that are play I mean call it playful or not but things like scrolling on your phone is play right play can be a sport play can be listening to a podcast and laughing and enjoying that's adult play right but most adult play looks less playful I'm using quotes than with little ones because they use objects to kind of narrate stories and we don't tend to do that then again I am one of those people that actually thinks play should be part of our lives always so I'm one of those people that goes on holiday with friends and I'll bring board games I'll bring cards I'll bring all sorts of things I'm like little like I call them fidgets they're not fidgets they're like little toys that you can play with um recently we had friends around and my daughters were doing two finger knitting and all the adults started to do it too so it's like that's play right and I think unless you have it and it becomes available and accessible and becomes something that you're just doing without really thinking about what you're doing it just becomes something that you like keep at arm's length but when you make it available and accessible i literally will bring this bag of toys and put it on the dining room table the amount of times i come down in the morning and there's two adults and they've already started making a puzzle or something because it's there yeah if it's in your cupboard no one's touching it if you pull it out people start to go oh what's

6:48Zoe:this oh I remember this game I used to enjoy it that's what happened it's true actually it is true because I say that I struggle with play but I did want to be an actor when I was younger and so sometimes they'll get their like little Melissa and Doug do this like unbelievable little doctor set and it's got like all the little bits that you would want and I can actually get quite into that with them but the girls always tell me off because I always do an accent and it's always American and I don't know why so I'll go oh hi I'm here for my appointment and they're like what are you doing that's your acting I can get like into that like you say but I have to has to be the right sort of thing for me I think to get into it I think that's true for loads of

7:31Dr Martha Deiros Collado:people it has play has to be something that you enjoy too so one of the ways to make play enjoyable for you as an adult is find the things that you enjoy buy them bring them out you know make them accessible to your child yeah I I like kind of more quiet type play like I'm into puzzles board games making making things it's like a tall ask but you know I love doing things with my hands basically I'm less likely to be like let's go and do role play because I'm like oh but my husband's great at that so he can do that job and I'll do the other job but you know I always will bring that kind of stuff out because it's the stuff that I like so if I like it I'm more likely to interact and join in with them than if they're doing something that kind of makes me feel really

8:14Zoe:bored yeah and what about like we hear a lot about brain development and play what are the sort of headlines that we need to know about you know are you doing the right sort of play or is

8:24Dr Martha Deiros Collado:do we need to be less rigid around that well I said before that play is like an innate human need and it really is so play is like play is all about creativity relaxation it's really de-stressing so think about that for you but it's true for your kid as well and for children it does more it does things like process the day so I always offer snacks and play after school not screen time not play because that's how they like decompress and bring out all their feels and you can even

8:55Zoe:see with little ones they'll play mine do that mine do that and actually once my my eldest was really scared to go to this club and so I got little characters like you've got there Melissa

9:06Dr Martha Deiros Collado:and I would act it out with her perfect that's ideal act things out act going to the doctor or act like going to school it's a way for them to process and they often also get a sense of control when they're the teacher or the doctor or whatever so communication loads of kids like kids won't say to you let's go sit on the sofa I need a chat like I wish but not yet right I've got little ones but they will be like come and play and often when they say come and play they want to show you something they either want to show you look what i can do or they want to connect with you or they want to express something like look what happened at school i can't really articulate it but i can play it out and i can show you this thing so it's communication it's relaxation de-stressing and you know as i've said this recently and it's so important to know there's loads of science about releasing tension yeah but one of the best ways of doing that is tears and the other way is laughter and play often gets you giggling and being sillier than normal and you know enjoyment is going to release tension for you so actually just a few minutes a day so sometimes I try and protect it and it can just be five ten minutes it doesn't have to be like half an hour or like as intense as your kid does it yeah just protect five ten minutes i often will make myself a drink and have like a couple of sips and then i'll join them for a little bit and then i'll leave and do dinner and be productive you know do my bits but i've given them a little bit and then i let go

10:41Zoe:again i like what you said about leaving the toys out because i think there is a thing of like putting it all away and i get it if they're they're like i hate those like garish plastic flashy noise making yes actually like the toys here that we've got out like i would have those out like they actually look quite aesthetic not that it's not that it's about that but you know i think then it's easier to like have a little game set up and left isn't it that then you can

11:05Dr Martha Deiros Collado:just get straight into yeah and if if you're the kind of person who's like no i like everything neat and tidy and whatever like one i appreciate you you're amazing that's not me my house is literally chaos but but i'm the person who will lay out toys before they come back from school for example i will lay two or three toys out i just leave them out i sometimes half build something or you know like we'll put a little figure somewhere or do something silly so that it looks kind of off and they come into the room and then they always just jump on the two three things that i've left because i've left them out for them so also even if you keep your house tidy you can think what three things am I putting out?

11:45Dr Martha Deiros Collado:Yeah. And then you can tidy them away. But if you put them out, it engages your kid in play immediately. And I also say nothing. I don't say, go and play. I just let them in the house.

11:55Zoe:I always put the toys in the room they always go to. You know where your kids will go. Like the first place where they want to slump or chill out.

12:03Dr Martha Deiros Collado:And that's where I leave it. And straight away, they just dive in and I just get on with it.

12:13Zoe:I love that because I wanted to ask you about kind of obviously there's one thing that we talked about, which is playing with your kids. I actually really liked the way that you reframe that for me, which is like de-stressing for me. I really like that. And then the second bit is getting them to play independently, which for a lot of parents is like the Holy Grail, right? They will sit and play for a little bit. Is that something that helps is like setting up the scenes, sitting with them for a few minutes and then slowly backing away?

12:41Dr Martha Deiros Collado:I mean I've been doing that since my two have been tiny even when they were just doing tummy time or whatever like obviously you've got to be with them when they're tiny babies but I've always laid out kind of toys I used to lay them out in a circle when they were just like sitting up so they could reach everything but then I would just kind of move away like I could watch them I wasn't far I wasn't like three rooms away yeah but kids know how to play you are not your child's entertainer you don't need to entertain your child you can be with your child and allow them to play and let them tell you what to do a bit like you were saying with a dress up and also let them tell you off and be like no mommy that's wrong yeah what are you doing that funny accent that's really good for a kid it really empowers them and thinking i've got a little bit of control so it's not about getting it right or coming up with like exciting stories for your kid to play it's just about being I call it being a narrator but you're literally when they're really little I just spend a lot of time going oh you're moving the bus and it sounds like you're doing nothing but you're actually valuing what they're doing giving them some language you are like facilitating play but I'm not the entertainer going all right now the bus is going here and it's going to the school and the teacher's going to say this I'm just going to watch and let them figure it out because that's one of the most powerful things which is why the toys that don't beep noise make noise light up tend to be the more powerful toys the quiet toys that have basically just very little like a costume or a little wooden figure or whatever because then the player is your kid rather than the toy they're the ones that have to make that toy become something and that's the power of play more than a toy that does all the play for them god that's so interesting

14:28Zoe:I never know but it is like I never thought about it that way that actually when the the the toys invite the imagination the the child and brings the imagination to the toy not the other way

14:39Dr Martha Deiros Collado:around yes I love that you want to make your kids brains work yes because players work for a kid but it's enjoyable for them right and hopefully some of us have jobs that we enjoy too so you can relate to that maybe kind of when your kid is saying come and play with me another reframe is to say they're trying to inviting you into their world a bit like when you say to your partner or

15:00Zoe:a friend do you want to know what i did at work yeah so that is so good i absolutely love that okay i'm going to go on to ask you the final questions okay um and you would have answered this before because you've been on the show before but if you could give every mother in the world just one gift what would it be and why i what did i say last time i don't remember I'm going to repeat myself that's my worry one gift the gift of time I wonder if I said that

15:29Dr Martha Deiros Collado:last time I think time becomes so precious when you have children not just because of the juggle and there's not enough time in a day but also for me I've recently had a birthday and so for me time becomes something that I want more of so if I could give all mothers more time to to do what they want to do time for themselves but also time to be around their kids and be with their kids I think that's what I would give them so nice I think I've got to that point in my life where I'm like all I want is more time with my kids like I just want to see oh no but I want to see them like grow up I want to see them in their careers I want to see them as parents you know like how can I just stay around just because I want to see it even if it's just through like a window you know like so I think time to me has become the most valuable thing that we have so that's what I would gift

16:25Zoe:everyone just time health with health because you don't want to be like it's true I always tell my kids my goal I'm doing so much with my health and fitness right now and they're like and I'm like my goal is to live to a hundred I love that and they're like why and I'm like to see you girls exactly to see you girls like i might get to see if you have kids i might get to see them

16:49Dr Martha Deiros Collado:if i can be healthy ish to 100 then i'm working on it right now yeah and i think that's the thing and i know we were talking about play but play is one of those things that keeps your brain healthy

17:02Zoe:yes because i've watched i've read a lot about this because this is my goal to get to 100 and play is is a key characteristic of the blue zones right which is the five places in the world where people live the longest.

17:15Dr Martha Deiros Collado:Friendships, play, good food, movement, rest, your five pillars, honestly, follow those and we will do well.

17:24Zoe:I love that. So next time I'm struggling and I'm sat with my Melissa and Doug toys, I'm going to be thinking, this is helping me get to my goal. Yeah, why not? There we go. There we go. There we go. Thank you. That was so good. Great. A huge thank you again to Melissa and Doug for sponsoring this episode. You can explore the range and help your little one find the extraordinary in the ordinary.

17:51Zoe:That was the episode. I hoped you loved it. If you did, please make sure you subscribe and I will see you next time.