“Let The Guilt Go”: Lou Beckett on the Lie That You’re Failing in Motherhood

0:01And I think I started my parenting journey feeling like I was failing and that's never really left me. And actually it would have been so much more productive and so much better for me over the past 10 years to just let some of it go. Just go, you know, I'm trying my best and that is OK. That's fine. Where do you think all that pressure on yourself was coming from? If it wasn't coming from outside, where was it coming from? I think I think most normal people want to be the best parent they can there's very few very few people who don't actually care most of us care deeply deeply deeply about being the best parent the best mom the best dad whoever and so it is coming from inside but then because so many people do it you've got so much advice so many comparisons so many all this helped me or I did this or the best waiter or the those i just think those parenting books typically don't help i've got to say no i think books like this help i mean they're about your misery company yeah exactly so if it makes you feel exactly someone else was struggling i would way rather read a book about the reality of what my lived your lived experience relating to mine than someone telling me how to identify the right cry at the right time for the right hunger cue and the do you know the The most helpful thing I found was TikTok snippets of Jo Frost's Super Nanny.

1:26It was short bursts of actually practical, just put them on a step. Lovely, put them on a step. That was, I didn't need the, I just, I've spent so long worrying about doing the right thing and about what people would think about it and whether I was doing okay. And looking back, it's just so much wasted time and effort that could have gone somewhere better. I think everyone needs to hear that because it's so true particularly as I think particularly as sort of millennial women as well we have this kind of good girl high achiever we're like right I've smashed all this I'm gonna I'm gonna smash this as well and you can't you can't really high achieve at motherhood it doesn't really doesn't really well I mean there's some people that will try and tell you they are and show you that they are but we all know that's not real But I think as well, that's it.

2:15We know so much more than we did. We've got access to so much more than we did. And actually, my little pea brain hasn't evolved enough to see 300 mums on Instagram or wherever else, all doing it brilliantly and aesthetically pleasingly and, you know, weaned children all on organic, homemade. if you can good for you i'm pleased for you piss off i don't need it it's not something my brain needs to deal with when it's so true it's so true our brains are just not designed no for that we're designed to be in a small community where we see you know a few other mothers around us doing it not open and see what you know beyonce is giving her twins carefully curated staged and it is a lot of it is staged and curated and you know held held back for a nice photo on a Wednesday rather than what's actually happening so just let it go let the guilt go let the comparisons are you better at that now letting the guilt go do you feel more confident I am I feel less guilty about doing stuff for me now and I'm not saying like I swan off on girls weekends all the time it's not that it's I mean I'd like to but it's I feel less guilty about saying I'm important in this dynamic too that actually I have to I'm not saying I have to come first second third whatever but I am part of this dynamic too that there is we've got the girls and obviously their needs come first because they're my children I had them and I want them to be as brilliant as they can be and I want them to have everything that they need and want and all of that.

4:01But also, I'm important in that dynamic as well. I'm not just their mum. I was a person for a full 29 years before I had them. And I'm still a person now. And I think that person got lost a little bit in the robbers working. The girls were growing up. And I'd forgotten to put myself into the mix. And I'm still struggling with it a bit. like it still goes against a kind of almost like decades worth of ingrained no no I'm just a mom I'm just doing that and you're not just a mom you are the mom you're their mom and it's and that is a whole job in itself but if you want to do something as well as that lovely don't feel bad about it like everyone else is doing not everyone god I've just done the comparison trap everyone else is doing it but do you know dads can go and they don't seem to fall into this kind of spiral of self-loathing that mums do a lot that's really dramatic self-loathing but i think it's important to kind of give yourself a break and step back from it yeah i think so too and i think it is accurate sort of kind of the self-loathing i think that we we do we are so hard so hard on ourselves so what's the next chapter for you excuse the book pun no idea at the moment absolutely none we haven't really looked beyond focusing on the book beyond the book no i mean it's it's been a real obviously like gear shift because i hadn't worked i say that in inverted commas because i have been working i haven't done any paid work no i haven't had a paid kind of job like an employment job since I left teaching so it's been a real kind of really interesting gear shift to go back into I'm going to work I've got something I have to do it's been really lovely from a very kind of selfish again in inverted commas to have things in the calendar that are mine yeah can't be moved because they work yeah has it changed the dynamic make it home it has in that we're both kind of is that assumption has been taken out of it that we can't just assume now that rob can put anything in the diary that needs to be put in because i might have something on and that wasn't there before and that's and that i want to hold on to so whatever i do after the book you need to be putting a lot of meetings in the diary in the diary whether they're real or not they could be real to be in there we don't know they're not yeah so it's been that's been a really interesting gear shift just having a kind of more equitable sense of oh no this has to go this has to go in and this has to be not respected because he did respect it before I don't want to be under make anyone think that Rob didn't respect my time or what I was doing he really did I just didn't and I think that's that's important to note I didn't respect it Rob did and actually I think writing the book and going back over it has made me kind of value what I did a lot more yeah I think that's so important and it's so it's so important for everyone to hear I always ask the same question at the end which is if you could give one gift to all the mothers in the world what would it be and why let the guilt go and whatever that guilt looks like for you whether it's that your child's eaten from pouches for the last week instead of something that you've lovingly blended and cooked and steamed yourself let it go whether it's you feel bad because you need to have a little bit of time off and you needed to go out for an evening so you had to ask your partner to stay in that's not selfish let it go you know you you deserve in whatever capacity letting go of that guilt looks like for you and that will vary for everyone depending on your situation, what age your kid is, what you're doing.

8:03Just let it go because it is pointless and the only person that feels bad is you. So let it go. It's pointless. And if you can't let it go, pretend to. Yeah, fake it. Just fake it. Yeah, I say about sitting with it. Just sit with it. If you feel selfish, fine. sit with it because it will pass and if it doesn't pass it might get small enough that you can ignore it