MOMENT | Do you have a dysfunctional family? with Julia Samuel MBE

0:03Hey everyone and welcome to this week's Motherkind moment, your place on a Monday for calm, connection and maybe even a shift in perspective before the crazy week ahead. This week's moment is with the incredible Julia Samuel. It is a really important topic, this, but one that is often so hard to talk about, which is when we might have a dysfunctional family. How do we know that we're operating in that environment? How do we know whether we might have to do the really hard thing of cutting certain family members off or setting boundaries. Well, this short clip is going to explain all of that and more.

0:44Here it is. When we think about families, I guess it's easy to think about healthy families as we've touched on and dysfunctional families. Do you believe in that sort of segregation? Talk to that. How does someone know if they're in a dysfunctional family and what to do about that? As I said before, I think all of us, depending on what's happening and what's happening within us, as well as externally, move in and out of functioning and dysfunctioning. You know, so if I got a cancer diagnosis tomorrow, my capacity to be generous and generative when I'm feeling scared and under threat will be less.

1:23And I'll use my basic coping mechanisms, which for me is to shut down. Even now is first of all to shut down. And then I have to kind of talk myself down and open up. So all of us move in and out and we're affected by each other because feelings and emotions are A, not logical and B, contagious. So the family system is also the system that holds the emotional network of a family. But there are certainly at the far end of the spectrum dysfunctional families. And I would say, and people please argue with me, I would say the definition of a dysfunctional family is where there are more negative interactions than positive, where there isn't goodwill, where the intention for each other is not for the betterment of the family, where there is really bad communication.

2:23You know, it's either you're all right or you're all wrong and you are kind of in or you're out. And there is this awful sort of insecurity about love and reward, that thing of power of variable reward, where you're kind of longing to be seen and to be loved and you work hard for it. And you're spat out and very occasion you get it. And so it keeps you hooked. So all of those types of behaviors happen in dysfunctional families. But I think the main one is that there are many more negative interactions than positive. You know, if someone's listening to this podcast, it's probably because they are interested in, you know, their own healing and doing it differently for their family and the next generations.

3:14how does someone know whether to continue to try and operate within that unit perhaps if as you described is dysfunctional or whether it's time to draw a boundary and think you know for my own sanity emotional health mental health I need to have some really strong boundaries here around contact or you know even cutting contact how does someone begin to navigate that because I don't think that's talked about enough is it you know it'd be impossible for me to say you know there isn't like a five-step plan that, you know, if you get five points out of these five, you're dysfunctional, cut them off.

3:49But, you know, in the story, there was Archie Craig and he had a brain tumor diagnosis of cancer. And he really loved his mom and dad, but he was brought up in a very dysfunctional family. And his mother's response to his fourth diagnosis of cancer, which he is going to die from was to say, well, he's always been a difficult child. And at that point, he knew that he couldn't deal with her and her inability to respond to his needs and look after himself, the new relationship he was in and be a dad to his two children. So he cut off both of his parents, parents which was the right decision but it was a painful decision because you know we all still have a kind of love for our parents even if they are by no means the parents that we want them to be that's sort of wired in us and so a lot of our sessions he talked about his mum and the fact that he missed her and that he was furious with her you know so we can never get away from our families They are wired in us genetically.

5:04They are wired in us in our memories. They are part of us. They influence us. They shape us. They inform us. With children, they predict our outcomes. So it's a very big step to completely shut down. And I think often creating good boundaries, maybe time boundaries, maybe what you talk about boundaries so that you can manage your emotions. Because it's, you know, one of the things that often families do is they'll go and have lunch with their mum and dad because they can do lunch. Because it's around the table. You go in, you have the conversation, you go out. But they couldn't spend the night with them because then maybe their mum or dad starts drinking.

5:47and then they have these discursive conversations and then there's a row and then all the laundry list of all the stuff that they're angry and have never dealt with comes out. So there are different ways of managing it. And sometimes you have to make the very painful decision to have no contact or you make the painful decision not to have contact for a few years while you yourself out. But it is never simple and it is never pain-free.