Moment | Motherhood Breaks You Open — and That’s Where You Find Yourself

0:07I'm so fascinated that you said that it was the birth of your son who kind of I was going to say triggered, that's not the right word, is it? Who kind of awakened this new path in you? Because I was quite similar, actually, very similar that it was motherhood that sort of set me on a different path. Tell me about your matrescence. Tell me about your process through becoming a mother, emerging more you, what challenges came up for you? What was that like? So my matrescence was a real coming of age. And I really believe that it's such a, you know it's a gift and it's really itchy scratchy it's a gift because it it takes us it really brings us to our knees on a lot of levels and beyond you know we've taken to the ground and really a ground zero of who we are and in those moments we get to really revision really meet these parts of ourselves and really evolve and my evolving was classic really because I had Malachi when I was 30 I was living in LA and I wasn't on sort of my homeland I wasn't kind of around my friends I had to make a group of great mothers and great friends but it was that there was a real loneliness around and I always found that there was a real loneliness around around being pregnant and the first year or two years of motherhood, especially, and I hear that a lot with my clients too, when there aren't mothers, you know, I'm working with some 35 year old moms at the moment and I'm putting them all together because, you know, we live in these big cities and we, we mother, and it was a big thing for me because Malachi is 22 at the time.

1:53No one was really talking about this stuff. You know, this stuff that you talk about, which is so helpful. it's massively helpful you know this is how we really pay the wisdom forward but you know we used to be in our communities we used to be in our villages we used to be hanging out together as women as mothers and I would always say that you know we weren't meant to mother alone so you spend these hours and hours on your own you know through the day with your children and your babies, especially in those first few months, years, it's tough. And it's also incredible. So it's the two truths, right?

2:30It's dialectical truth. We give birth to this phenomenal, precious soul. We can't even believe that we've built this. It's like, wow. I remember being pregnant and thinking, I'm building a brain today, or I'm building a toenail, or I'm building something else. It's happening. I'm co-creating this thing, this beautiful child is coming through me. At the same time, it also carries with it, you know, this huge cracking open of self, you know, monumental cracking open of self. Even if you have family to help you and you have people around, something is happening on the inside that will, you know, gift you with something, but at the time it can feel really tough.

3:16And so for me, it felt tough. It was a lot. And I was working with the way that I had been mothered, because of course, that comes in really quickly. You know, you start to notice things about yourself, you know, who you thought you were before, or how you relate to this little bundle of love, like this little bundle of need, you know, really shows you, it immediately brings how your needs were met into the frame or not met. and you've got to grapple with that and it's a challenge you've got to find space for yourself and the needs of another human being quickly right it's like life is saying you have to get on the road right now so so it was all of that tell me more about that two things want to become one is something happens inside of you what do you mean by that well I really feel you know we have this physiological, we have these changes that happen hormonally, physiologically.

4:19We are changing, our bodies change, our hormones change and everything changes. And, you know, whether you're breastfeeding or not breastfeeding or whatever you're doing, you know, everything changes, your sleep patterns change. So we are suddenly dropped into massive physiological changes, whether we like it or not, they're happening. And how we navigate those changes, that really pulls into focus what tools we have or don't have, right? That is suddenly, we are in relationship with our inner landscape, if we like it or not. And it's one of those things. So when we sort of talk about, you mentioned my son triggered me and it, you know, it's like, Or did he activate?

5:06Or did he awaken? You know, it's all of those things. It's a trigger. It's an awakening. It's both. And how we work with those changes on the inside, both mentally, physically and spiritually, are the makings of who we are and of how we mother.

5:28And now a quick word from our sponsors.

5:35And so if someone came to you and they're in that sort of, let's say they've got a six month old, because they've managed to get out of the house and make an appointment with you. So we're going to give them six months to get that done. Absolutely. Because I wouldn't be able to do it in the first few months. And they come to you and they say, you know, I feel really, I feel really exhausted on the sort of physical side. I also feel really lost and I don't know who I am. And I think that's why lots of people would come to you because you're known for helping people drop into their truth. How would you start with someone?

6:10What are some of the things that you would say or what would you be thinking as that person's talking through that experience? Well, actually, I have someone who's just come to see me who has a six month old and you're right, you know, well done for managing to do it at six months. And I always say babies and dogs are welcome, you know, everything you can bring puppies and newborns. It's all good. You know, I'm really happy with all of that in my practice because it's life. And that's what it means to actually just be in life with other people and really companion other people, but mothers, especially because we find ourselves really lost.

6:46And that feeling that comes in at six months, it can feel like an abyss. It can feel like you're in this desert. That's nothing really adds up. Like all of the signposts that you had before or all of the coping mechanisms that you had before are obviously not working anymore. And it really makes us ask that question. Who am I? And what do I do? And how do I do this? And am I doing it right? Right. So in the first six months, I would say one of the biggest things that motherhood brings you is the potential to understand what compassion really means. And I start there because ultimately on this journey, you are going to have to be so compassionate and so compassionate again.

7:37And you're going to have to, you know, those mornings where you don't feel great about yourself, where you don't feel like you've done a great job, where you feel like it's all falling apart, where you haven't had any sleep, where you've lost your temper. You haven't been able to regulate your emotions. You're completely dysregulated. Guess what? You're human. and the only thing that we can meet that those feelings with is compassion because if we don't meet those feelings with compassion then we will spiral into shame and our shame wound that I talk about a lot in the book is so potentially activated through those first two three four months years you know and it can go on of how we we show up to this relationship with our children you know it's a big one.

8:21So six months, I always say in those early months, be gentle, be gentle.

8:33What an incredible episode. I hope you loved it too. If you've got this far, then I am guessing that you did. So make sure that you share it with a friend and subscribe so you never miss an episode and I will see you Thursday for more. See you next time.