MOMENT | Stop mum-guilt in its tracks with this simple shift, with Dr. Soph

0:03Hey everyone, welcome to this week's Motherkind moment, your place on a Monday for calm, connection and maybe even a shift in perspective before the crazy week ahead. This week's moment is with the wonderful Dr. Soph, who is a psychologist and Sunday Times bestselling author. If you've ever felt guilty or thought to yourself, I'm not a good mum, and let's face it, who hasn't thought those words? Then this next couple of minutes is going to massively shift your perspective. Here it is. It goes full circle to how we started, I think, goes full circle to how we started this conversation in terms of the pressure of being the perfect parent.

0:48And I think particularly for mothers, there's constant guilt that you can't do enough, right? You can't do enough. You're always getting it wrong. And actually, it's funny because I'm really aware of the double-edged sword of talking about psychology publicly because I want people to know about attachment styles. I want people to know about how you can support yourself and children in order to feel psychologically strong. But I don't want to add another layer of you have to do this perfect. And I also think it's a little bit more than guilt. So I'm just going to add something. I think often it's shame, right?

1:20Guilt and shame are very interesting emotions. There's almost nothing that we do as humans that hasn't helped us evolve and survive. And guilt and shame arose because if we, when we were trying to exist in tribes thousands, basically a millennia ago. If we did something that caused us to be kicked out of the group, it would have spelled instant death. So we develop these feelings of guilt and shame, these unbearable physical sensations that cause us to want to go and make amends so that we won't be kicked out of the group. Now, guilt is infinitely more useful, I think, than shame. Guilt says this action wasn't quite right, or this action was bad and I should do something about it.

1:56shame says I am bad and I think for most parents I talk to it's never just this action wasn't quite right it's normally I'm a bad parent I'm a bad mother I'm failing as a woman and then there's not just the parenting it's then and now I've looked on Instagram that person has children and a booming career so I'm failing in my career so first thing is whenever we notice guilt ask ourselves, am I aware that I'm saying to myself that that action isn't quite right? And if so, I need to ask, why do I think that? Is it because society has told me I need to be perfect? In which case, am I able to be like, no, I see you guilt.

2:36I am not buying into this today. I am already doing the best I can. Or is it because actually that thing wasn't great, right? Maybe it wasn't great. We often do things that aren't great, in which case, what will I do in the future in order? Or have I slipped into shame? If I've slipped into shame, I need to remind myself that shame will make me think that I am bad when actually an emotion, a moment wasn't quite right. So now we switch back to guilt. This thing wasn't ideal. What am I going to do about it? And then we need to pour all over the top of this, a heavy helping of self-compassion, right?

3:13Criticizing yourself once you're already feeling activated, so anxious in guilt and shame, is like having an open wound and then pouring salt into it. Or like taking a hammer to a broken leg. We know that when we see our friends struggling, that shouting at them is not the way to make them feel better or make them a better parent or make them able to do whatever it is they have to do next. We know that flipping on the kettle is giving them a cuddle, just offering them, you know, do you want to talk about this? Or do you want me to support you with it to like find a way through? Or do you want me to distract you?

3:46We know how we would be for other people. So question the guilt, check it's not shame, and then head in straight into what would I do for a friend?