MOMENT | The ‘Good Girl’ Trap That’s Burning Mothers Out

0:28What is good girl conditioning? is how much you do, not who you are. And if any of this sounds familiar, then this conditioning, this programming can turn you into someone who struggles with boundaries, avoids conflict, like anything, works endlessly for approval, just keeps going and going and going, feels guilty for resting and seeks external validation. And all of those things were me before I could see what was happening and start to chip away at these behaviors to actually start feeling good day to day. And what is fascinating to me is that when you become a mum, if you bring these set of behaviors into motherhood, when you become a mum, it amplifies.

1:15It's like putting fuel on the fire because now we're not just trying to be a good girl. We're trying to be super mum too. And I really see this in so many of our community. If we bring those hard on ourselves, perfectionist, people pleasing, that drive to just keep going and going and going. And when we bring those behaviours into motherhood, it becomes extremely difficult because it is so intense and full on, isn't it? So how do you know if you have this programming and this conditioning? So here's some of the things that based on my research, and I did a lot of this research for the book, Mother Kind, and also research with my clients and community and of course myself.

1:57The first one is avoiding conflict. So you might have a really strong tendency to shy away from disagreements or confrontation. You're really interested in one thing and that is keeping the peace. And you are focused on making others happy or not causing an argument or not causing a reaction in someone else over being true to yourself. Let me be honest, this is something that I am still working on every single day. My default programming is so to keep the peace, make others happy, keep quiet. It just feels so much easier in the moment. Of course, long term, it is not easier to do that. People pleasing, which is essentially prioritizing others' needs and happiness above our own, often at the expense of our well-being.

2:47Perfectionism, if you've been in the Mother Kind community or if you've read the book or you've listened to the podcast for a while, you know I will talk about this a lot because perfectionism is really misunderstood. Perfectionism isn't about being perfect, it's about trying to be. So it's about setting yourself ridiculously high bars in all areas of your life and essentially deciding that you're a failure and that you can't cope when you cannot reach those standards for yourself. That is a huge part of this good girl behaviour and conditioning. And now a quick word from our sponsors.

3:25Self-sacrifice, so putting others' needs first, even when it means neglecting yourself, pretending that your needs don't exist and definitely struggling to meet them. And I think that links really closely to not asking for help. Being really resistant to be vulnerable, to ask for help is a huge part of the good girl. The next one is around suppressing emotions. So avoiding expressing strong emotions, especially anger or frustration to maintain that sort of I'm on top of everything image. So we might explode in our homes or we might explode inwards, really beating ourselves up. But we good girls really want to maintain this kind of facade and wear this mask of everything's fine.

4:14I'm great. And the last one, which I think is really interesting, is that you might find yourself judging other women who've broken free from some of this behaviour and conditioning. So if you see someone online or in the media who just looks really kind of empowered and confident and unapologetic, you might find that triggering. That is a sign that perhaps you are stuck in some of this conditioning. So I wonder if you relate to some or all of those. And I suspect almost everyone listening will. And it's really important to hear that you're not broken. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

4:54This is a set of learned behaviors that we often bring into motherhood. And there is so, so, so much that we can do to chip away at these behaviors, to start feeling happier, more confident, and maybe even more empowered. And I know this is possible because I've done it. Thousands of my clients have done it. The book really is about how to do this, how to start meeting your own needs through motherhood, how to set boundaries, how to reduce the pressure on yourself and get a hold of your perfectionism so that you can actually start to enjoy your life because otherwise what is the point so where did this come from well you know I really need you to hear again this is not your fault it actually starts really young and research from the Dove self-esteem fund found that seven in ten young girls don't feel good enough in their looks at school or in relationships so this starts young.

5:52And, you know, many of us from a young age were taught to suppress our feelings, to keep others comfortable. We were taught and praised often to stay quiet and be nice. And, you know, sadly, when we turn adults, and especially when we become mothers, we don't get a reset button. Those neural pathways and those patterns of behaviours are ingrained in us. And we take those behaviors into adulthood and they begin to hold us back from how we want to feel. And I think what's so exciting to me is that we get to push that reset button. We get to take a look at some of this and think, what is not serving me?

6:28What is causing me so much stress? What is causing me to be so hard on myself and maybe feel so resentful of others around me? What is this about? Because there's so much that we can't change in motherhood. We can't change that the system isn't really set up for us to thrive. We can't change the cost of childcare. We can't change, you know, even the type of children that we have, their health, all the many, many, many external stresses. But where we do have some control is in our response to all of those pressures. And I think our ability to meet our own needs, to set boundaries, to know that we have worth is one way that we can start to feel more empowered, feel more confident even in this landscape of really challenging times for mothers at the moment right now.

7:21What an incredible episode. I hope you loved it too. If you've got this far, then I am guessing that you did. So make sure that you share it with a friend and subscribe so you never miss an episode. And I will see you Thursday for more. See you next time.